#6: Blow them up, Teloopa!

Panicking over flash forwards of a doomed battle tomorrow, Yemilina decides experimental explosive spells are worth the risk to rid her castle of the tiny invaders called EEK.

Written and produced by Jennifer Lott

Voice Actors:
Jennifer Lott as Yemilina
Shannon Rea as Nazzy
JP Lott as Sir JP
Tegan Lott as Teloopa
Nicole Stoner as Enelcia
Owen Lott as Wenoburt
Jennifer Lott as King David

Email the show with any questions or comments at wilzerlott@gmail.com

Transcript

SOUND: opening theme music

INT. CASTLE

SOUND: Castle doors opening

SOUND: Pegasus wings flapping

SOUND: Pegasus whinny

ENELCIA

I've brought the sorceress Teloopa, as requested. She brought a batch of her new brilliant potion – seventy-five percent frog guts.

SOUND: thick potion squishing

SOUND: foot taps on floor

SIR JP

I didn't ask for frog guts.

TELOOPA

You're lucky I came at all. I'm usually far too busy to jump onto the back of a Pegasus at the whim of an elf astride it. You caught me between potions.

SIR JP

Did the elf not make the vital importance of this mission clear?

ENELCIA

Oh yes, I did. I told her tiny people called EEK use their bug pets to soften up our self-protection instincts, until we're so soft and delicious that every last one of us is gone in eight months from now. It's important we stop the EEK here, so we can change the future.

SIR JP

Vitally important.

ENELCIA

Well, now you have your sorceress, you must excuse me. 

SOUND: saddle movement

ENELCIA

My daughter's carrot transformation will be wearing off soon, and obviously I don't like her unattended when she's meat.

SOUND: Pegasus wings flapping

ENELCIA

(growing distant)

Good luck preventing our extinction! I'm rooting for you!

SOUND: Pegasus wings flapping

TELOOPA

I, too, feel sympathy for your cause, though it's not strictly speaking necessary. I've just completed a successful batch of tree sauce which is bound to redirect dragons' appetites to trees. Even if our sappy brains do try to get eaten, the dragons will ignore us once I've coated every tree in the forest with their new addiction.

SIR JP

I can't leave the fate of the kingdom to your silly flights of fancy that your magic--

TELOOPA

What a nerve! I know you think better of me; you could have asked any sorcerer to come.

SIR JP

I can't afford a real sorceress.

TELOOPA

(indignant noises)

SOUND: foot taps on floor

WENOBURT

Don't go, witch lady. I want to play with your frog guts.

SOUND: thick potion squishing

TELOOPA

What is this random child doing here?

SIR JP

The Time Meddler got lazy.

SOUND: running footsteps on floor

YEMILINA

Nazzy and I have searched the castle thoroughly with these X-ray vision tiaras.

SOUND: x-ray vision magic

NAZZY

The EEK are inside every single wall. There are thousands of them.

SIR JP

How long will they stay inside these walls? Are they conditioning sap bugs while they hide? Will more targeted attacks start here in the castle?

NAZZY

I'll go check.

SOUND: Time Travel (leaving)

WENOBURT

Let me try that X-ray hat!

YEMILINA

No, Wenoburt! It's only for grownups who look pretty in tiaras.

WENOBURT

Please?

SOUND: x-ray vision magic

SOUND: grab

WENOBURT

I want to look at your intestines.

YEMILINA

No!

SOUND: grab

SOUND: Time Travel (returning)

NAZZY

The EEK will come out of hiding tomorrow and summon an enormous swarm of sap bugs. In less than an hour, the bugs will render every living soul in this castle helpless with laughter. Only the Ghost of King David will remain sensible.

SIR JP

What about me? Aren't I there, defending the Queen and the Princess? Aren't I still immune to the sap bugs tomorrow?

NAZZY

I didn't see you. Just a minute. I'll look again.

SOUND: Time Travel (leaving)

YEMILINA

Every living soul in the castle? So many so fast? Our royal army will be neutralized and the EEK will spread to the far corners of Wilzerlott – unopposed! This is the turning point in our path to extinction!

SIR JP

Don't panic.

SOUND: Time Travel (returning)

NAZZY

I rewound a bit. You, Sir JP, get locked up in the castle dungeon before the sap bugs attack.

SIR JP

Impossible! The EEK are too small to capture me.

NAZZY

It took approximately ten thousand of their tiny hands and a few drops of acid in your eyes, but they did it.

SIR JP

Ah, no. No, no, no. That is an intolerable outcome.

YEMILINA

Oh, are you offended? How dare you! I should like to be so much of a threat that the enemy would devote such efforts to locking me up. But, no! I am to be subdued in a flurry of bug bites and forgotten as giggling dragon food. I can't stand it! I want to blow up the EEK. Teloopa, do you have experience in explosive spells?

TELOOPA

I've dabbled.

YEMILINA

Blow the EEK out of my castle. Do it now!

SIR JP

Inadvisable, Princess. Time Meddler, how does the rest of Wilzerlott attempt to defend itself once the castle is lost?

NAZZY

It doesn't go well.

SIR JP

I want ideas, so we'll know what not to do.

NAZZY

I'll do some interviewing.

SOUND: Time Travel (leaving) interrupted

SOUND: grab

YEMILINA

Oh, stop it, Nazzy! Don't interview future victims. Just hyperventilate here with us. It's more companionable.

NAZZY

It can't hurt to gather a little more information, Princess.

YEMILINA

Yes, it can! It's hurting me. I want to end this now and feel better.

SIR JP

The EEK would see an explosion as a declaration of war. Now that we know they might wipe us out, we must proceed with caution.

YEMILINA

If they are all inside the walls of the castle right now and can be destroyed all at once, angering them won't matter.

SIR JP

We don't know if they're all here, and it will matter if we fail.

SOUND: foot stomp

YEMILINA

Blow them up, Teloopa!

TELOOPA

Should I?

SIR JP

No!

YEMILINA

In my mother's absence, I am Queen! I command you to blow up the EEK invaders!

TELOOPA

Is she really, Sir JP? I thought she could only be Queen if her mother was in a deep, enchanted sleep?

SIR JP

Princess, you need to take more time to consider this. We have eight months to plan our counterattack.

YEMILINA

No, we don't. The EEK spread from here tomorrow and once they leave these walls, they're unstoppable. Isn't that right, Nazzy?

NAZZY

That's not exactly what I said.

YEMILINA

Yes, you did! You said it's inevitable after today! We're all doomed and I haven't even made any babies yet!

SIR JP

You, child, act like a baby so the princess can adopt you and calm down.

WENOBURT

Calm down, crazy princess mommy.

YEMILINA

(sobbing noise)

WENOBURT

It didn't work.

NAZZY

Maybe I'll go find Queen Augusta.

SOUND: footsteps

SIR JP

Hurry up!

YEMILINA

Stay where you are, Nazzy!

NAZZY

But--

YEMILINA

Teloopa, you know how aggravating it is to have everyone turn to your mother instead of you. Do as I say! Blow them up!

TELOOPA

Okay!

SOUND: magic staff

SOUND: whirling and sparking magic

TELOOPA

I'm just mixing it up in the air like a potion. It's almost ready.

SOUND: ghost appearing

YEMILINA

Father, you've reappeared! What's the occasion?

KING DAVID

That great cloud of magical energy throwing sparks over that young woman's head. I fear it will break the protective enchantments which keep dragons out of this castle.

YEMILINA

The Sorceress Teloopa is taking out a more sinister enemy than dragons, father. We'll be celebrating in a minute.

KING DAVID

What spell are you casting?

TELOOPA

It's my own original spell. I'm inventing it on the spot. It can't possibly go wrong.

SOUND: whirling and sparking magic

KING DAVID

I must evacuate the castle.

SOUND: ghost flying

KING DAVID

(distant)

Out, out, everyone! There is experimental magic brewing in the walls. Round and round and round it brews, how it blows, nobody knows...

SOUND: whirling and sparking magic

SOUND: ghost flying

YEMILINA

Don't warn the EEK, father! Don't fly through those walls! They might hear you!

SOUND: stampede of running footsteps

SOUND: ghost flying

KING DAVID

Out! Out! Out!

SIR JP

We must leave, too, Princess.

YEMILINA

That would show a lack of faith in Teloopa's spell.

SIR JP

I choose disrespect over being blown up.

SOUND: whirling and sparking magic

SOUND: stampede of running footsteps

KING DAVID

Out! Out! Out!

WENOBURT

I don't want to blow up.

YEMILINA

She's only going to cause tiny explosions on the insides of the walls. It won't even affect us.

SOUND: sparking magic getting louder

NAZZY

Look out!

SOUND: big magical explosion

SOUND: castle walls crumbling

SOUND: running crowd

SOUND: screaming crowd

EXT. CASTLE

SOUND: castle walls crumbling

NAZZY

(gasp)

The castle ruins! This is how the castle looks eight months from now, but I didn't realize it would blow up this soon. Oh, I think tomorrow looks different now.

YEMILINA

But the EEK have been destroyed, haven't they?

EEK

(evil, squeaky laughter)

NAZZY

Ahh! No. No, they have not. They appear to be advancing on us.

EEK

(evil, squeaky laughter)

TELOOPA

Princess, I get the feeling you didn't get the result you were hoping for there – your castle is in ruins with the invaders...unscathed. Your disappointment is making me uncomfortable, so I'm just gonna go...

YEMILINA

Where are you going?

TELOOPA

I'm going to go coat the trees in the sauce I made. I think I should play to my strength.

SOUND: running footsteps

SOUND: dragon wings flapping

SOUND: dragon roars / flames

SOUND: screaming crowd

SIR JP

King David spoke wisely.

SOUND: sword unsheathed

SIR JP

The castle's protections are down and the dragons are upon us.

TELOOPA

I'll get started on their salad dressing! Keep them away from me!

SOUND: thick potion squishing

SOUND: running footsteps

SOUND: armor clanking

SOUND: sword swipes

SOUND: woman screaming

SOUND: dragon roaring

SOUND: sword stabbing

SIR JP

Take cover! Hide in the castle ruins. Find the deepest holes you can!

SOUND: dragon wings flapping

SOUND: dragon footfalls

SOUND: screaming crowd

SOUND: armor clanking

SOUND: sword swipes

SOUND: sword slicing dragons

SOUND: dragon roars / flames

SOUND: sap bug swarm

YEMILINA

The swarm! No! No, no, no, no, no, no...

SOUND: running and panting

SOUND: multiple sap bug bites

SOUND: laughing crowd

YEMILINA

(singing)

Ohhhh...no, no, no, no, no

I don't need to be a mommy

Wenoburt looks like so much work,

I'd rather be in a dragon's tummy...

SOUND: armor clanking

SIR JP

Princess!

SOUND: bodies colliding

SOUND: bodies rolling

SOUND: dirt moving

YEMILINA

Why are we rolling around in a hole? What are you doing?

SIR JP

You're still able to speak! Do you remember that we're being attacked by dragons and sap bugs? Do you remember that it's bad?

SOUND: laughing crowd

SOUND: sap bugs buzzing

YEMILINA

I remember.

(struggling not to sing:)

It w-w-was just

(sung:) one...

bite, I think.

SIR JP

Good. Stay here. Try not to sing.

YEMILINA

No singing.

SOUND: running footsteps

SOUND: armour clanking

SOUND: sword swipes

SOUND: sword slicing dragons

SOUND: dragon roars / flames

YEMILINA

There he goes. Slashing away at dragons with his mighty sword. He's really in his element now. Is it my sap injection that's making him look so...oh, I don't want to say. It's making me tingly and warm, so I'm sure I mustn't trust it. I know, I'll distract myself by talking to you, fair cave people. How are you? I feel like I should listen to you more. I get very self-absorbed sometimes. Princess thing.

SOUND: dragon chomping flesh and crunching bones

YEMILINA

(shouting)

Can you still hear me, cave people? There's a squire being chomped into bite-sized pieces quite close to me. The dragon is being rather noisy about it. Anyway, about listening to you. Nazzy has set up something you call...uh...email...in your present. So if you have any questions or comments about Wilzerlott, you can now email wilzerlott@gmail.com

SOUND: dragon wings hovering

SOUND: dragons licking and slurping sauce off trees

YEMILINA

Oh, good news! The dragons are lapping up the sauce Teloopa put on those trees. They're not actually biting the trees, so hopes of their turning vegetarian might be a bit premature. But it's a start, don't you think?

SOUND: dragon wings hovering

SOUND: dragons licking and slurping sauce off trees

SOUND: vivicord running

YEMILINA

Oops! The vivicord wants the tree sauce, too. I'd better finish the instalment while he's still recording. Don't worry, fair listeners, dragons don't eat vivicords.

SOUND: armor clanking

SOUND: sword swipes

SIR JP

Don't go running after that damn recording creature! The dragons will still eat you!

SOUND: dragon roar

SOUND: horse whinny

SOUND: saddle movement

YEMILINA

(shouting)

Farewell, cave people of the future. Thank you for listening.

If we are not slurped up by dragons, you shall soon hear more.

SOUND: horse galloping 

SOUND: princess scooped onto horse

SOUND: horse galloping 

YEMILINA

(distant shout)

Wish us luck!

SOUND: horse galloping 

SOUND: dragon roar

SOUND: sword swipes

SOUND: closing theme music