#7: Queen Augusta's Secret

Hoping to incriminate her mother, Princess Yemilina sends Nazzy on a mission to spy on the Queen in the past.

Written and produced by Jennifer Lott.

Voice Actors:
Shannon Rea as Nazzy
Jennifer Lott as Yemilina
JP Lott as Sir JP
Lynda Williams as Queen Augusta
Ivy Lott as Child Yemilina

Email the show with any questions or comments at wilzerlott@gmail.com

Transcript

SOUND: opening theme music

INT CAVE

SOUND: cave ambience

SOUND: slow drips

SOUND: footsteps

YEMILINA

Hello, fair listeners. We finally got our vivicord to start absorbing sound again. He had a long nap after he ate one of the trees Teloopa covered in irresistible frog gut sauce. Now I am in a cave with Nazzy and Sir JP. Teloopa escaped the dragons, and she managed to transport little Wenoburt with her to her magically reinforced cottage. She said it wasn't a strong enough transport spell to save us all, but given how she blew up my entire castle, I'd say her spells are plenty strong. It's more likely she didn't want the grownups crowding into her small home.

NAZZY

I hope she's not stuck babysitting too long. I'm sure she'd rather be fine-tuning her tree sauce. It didn't make the dragons eat trees, did it?

SOUND: footsteps with armour clanking

SIR JP

I don't like this cave. It's too bright. We're sitting ducks for dragons.

NAZZY

But the sap bugs didn't see us go in, so they're not likely to go zipping between rocks in search of us.

SIR JP

They may have other means of detecting their victims. Smell. Body heat.

NAZZY

Well, there's no sense guessing. If it turns out we can't hide from them as we would from dragons, I'll fetch an older version of Wenoburt to come and educate us.

SIR JP

You've done enough meddling with the bug expert.

NAZZY

Then I'll fetch a different expert. I'm just saying we'll figure it out.

SIR JP

Are you sure you weren't bitten?

NAZZY

I am not sap-confident. I'm doubting everything I say right after I say it.

SOUND: rocks shifting

NAZZY

I'm just going to clear a bigger spot to stretch out.

SOUND: rocks shifting

YEMILINA

Don't get too comfortable, Nazzy. I need you to do some snooping.

NAZZY

What? When?

SOUND: distant dragon wings flapping

SOUND: footsteps with armour clanking

SOUND: distant dragon roar

SIR JP

The dragons who survived are fanning out. They're still hungry. I hope that elf had the sense to turn her whole family into carrots.

YEMILINA

(singing)

Pickle, fig or cucumber...

SIR JP

Where is it?

SOUND: sword unsheathed

SIR JP

Damn bugs! Where's the one that bit you?

YEMILINA

I'm fine. It's like Enelcia said. I just enjoy singing.

SOUND: sword sheathed

SIR JP

Can't you enjoy it after we've eliminated the sap bugs? When it no longer signals to me that you've been poisoned? It's confusing to hear normal singing.

YEMILINA

You mean you hate my singing.

SIR JP

I hate being confused.

YEMILINA

I sang to you when you were a baby. You had music in your heart back then.

SIR JP

This isn't about my heart. It's a practical request.

YEMILINA

I sing when I want to!

NAZZY

Uh, did you still want me to do some snooping? Past or future?

YEMILINA

Past. Spy on my mother.

NAZZY

Your mother! Why?

YEMILINA

Because she didn't come out of the castle when it blew up. I didn't see her in the ruins. I want to know where she was.

SIR JP

The Queen is frequently away from the castle on business.

YEMILINA

Ha! Business she never speaks of to anyone. What is she hiding? You were knighted by her, I know; you won't put a toe out of line to find out. I, on the other hand, was only birthed by her and am therefore under no obligation whatsoever to be considerate of her feelings. Nazzy and I will unearth her dirty little secret. Won't we, Nazzy?

NAZZY

But I can't just jump to the Queen if I don't know where she is. I need to know when she'll be--

YEMILINA

She'll be in the castle doing something significant. 

NAZZY

But right before the castle blew up, she wasn't in it.

YEMILINA

Not right before. Further back. Follow a pull in the timeline. You said it pulls with significance.

NAZZY

Uh...yes...sort of. I could try.

SIR JP

Princess, you may be lashing out at your mother solely to distract yourself from self-reflection. If I may be so bold, you were not entirely faultless in this unnecessary destruction of your castle.

NAZZY

It was at least half your fault, Princess.

YEMILINA

That's what I love about you, Nazzy. According to you, when I command magic users to perform unprecedented miracles, I still get away with only half the blame. I think I'll grant you a blame reduction -- 40% your fault for losing me in time for thirty-one years. 

NAZZY

Thank you?

SIR JP

Do you want to talk about it?

YEMILINA

About what? My destructive impulses? My guilt? No! Not until I have irrefutable evidence that my mother has made worse mistakes.

SIR JP

I am not measuring you against anyone. I'm just...here...if you need me.

YEMILINA

I need you to tell the cave people of the future more about you. This documentary is supposed to be focused on you – Wilzerlott's longest-surviving dragon slayer. We barely talk about you at all.

SIR JP

I never agreed to be in your documentary. You just keep recording me.

YEMILINA

Then why not tell me to stop?

SIR JP

You're the Princess.

YEMILINA

Pretend I am not. What would you say to me? Say it!

SIR JP

Stop recording me.

YEMILINA

(frustrated sigh)

He said that to Nazzy, fair listeners. He looked right at her and said it to her. Not to me. Until you can say it to me, you're in our documentary!

SIR JP

I will sit on this rock and say nothing interesting.

YEMILINA

Fine.

SIR JP

Fine.

YEMILINA

Fine!

SIR JP

Fine!

YEMILINA

(pouty)

Fine.

SIR JP

(sigh)

YEMILINA

(stormy sigh)

SOUND: slow drips in cave

NAZZY

I'll bring the vivicord with me, in case the Queen's past is more exciting.

SOUND: Time Travel

INT CASTLE

SOUND: Vivicord starting up

SOUND: footsteps

NAZZY

Okay, I'm inside the castle. It's in great repair – this is quite a while ago. I'm just outside the throne room and there's no one around. Probably because it's late. It looks dark outside the window.

SOUND: soft footsteps

NAZZY

Oh, what a pretty little girl! She's just adorable in her little nightgown, all tousle haired and rosy cheeked. She shouldn't be up at this time of night. Who is she? Not the Queen...I'm not that long ago...She sees me. She's coming to see me. Uh – hi there!

CHILD YEMILINA

I am Princess Yemilina. Who are you?

NAZZY

Hi there, little Yemilina. I'm Nazzy. We're going to be friends when you're older.

CHILD YEMILINA

Are you a time traveller?

NAZZY

That's right. What are you doing out of bed?

CHILD YEMILINA

I want to watch mommy. She's playing with dark magic.

NAZZY

Your mother played with dark magic? You never told me that!

CHILD YEMILINA

I just told you.

NAZZY

Yes, but you might have mentioned it to me later...don't you remember this conversation? Perhaps not. You look about four years old. Perhaps you remember this like it was a game or a dream. Umm...where is your mommy?

CHILD YEMILINA

Behind her throne. Come see.

SOUND: footsteps

SOUND: magic mirror

CHILD YEMILINA

There!

NAZZY

Shh!

SOUND: magic mirror

SOUND: indistinct mumbling

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Just tell me how to do it. I'll do it with or without your guidance.

NAZZY

Who is she talking to? I don't see anyone with her.

CHILD YEMILINA

She's talking to the man inside her magic mirror.

SOUND: magic mirror

SOUND: indistinct mumbling

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Speak up, Your Worship. I can hardly hear you.

SOUND: magic mirror

SOUND: indistinct mumbling

QUEEN AUGUSTA

No, we cannot do this in person. I only speak to spiritual leaders through mirrors. I am the most powerful in all the land and I need magic mirrors to tell me that whenever I talk to other powerful people. If such people show themselves in person, I become consumed with jealousy and hate. It's a self-esteem curse my family has lived with for generations. Can't be helped.

SOUND: clinking bottles

SOUND: uncorked bottle

SOUND: sprinkling powders

SOUND: pouring liquid

SOUND: fizzing

NAZZY

That really does look like dark magic. She's got some of the tell-tale ingredients strewn about, some of the darkest conjuring symbols spread over the floor...almost as if she's opening a...a gateway to another world.

SOUND: disturbance in the air

SOUND: portal opening

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Yes. Yes! Come to me, devilish fiends! Come! Come, and spread your horror!

SOUND: sap bugs buzzing

SOUND: sap bug bite

QUEEN AUGUSTA

(giddy)

Is this a universal symptom? Laughter?

SOUND: magic mirror

SOUND: indistinct mumbling

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Oh, stop trying to talk to me, Your Worship. You're mumbling. I need to speak to my mirror.

SOUND: magic mirror

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Mirror, Mirror, in my haste,

How many dragons will I lay to waste?

MAGIC MIRROR

None.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

What? These other-worldly insects are to spread a lethal pus disease that will affect the dragon population!

MAGIC MIRROR
Pus Bugs would, but your spell was too tense,

It is Sap Bugs you have conjured hence.

SOUND: sap bugs buzzing

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Send them back!

SOUND: magic mirror

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Not you, you stupid mirror! Your Worship, speak up now...what's that?

SOUND: magic mirror

SOUND: indistinct mumbling

QUEEN AUGUSTA

What do you mean you can't send the bugs back?

SOUND: sap bug bite

QUEEN AUGUSTA

(giddy)

These things won't hurt dragons; they're only making me weak with glee! Tell me how to send them back at once!

SOUND: magic mirror

SOUND: indistinct mumbling

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Yes...yes, alright, I'm doing that.

SOUND: clinking bottle

SOUND: sprinkling powders

SOUND: tapping

SOUND: flame thumps

SOUND: force field

QUEEN AUGUSTA

That didn't get rid of them, Your Worship. Now they're trapped in a pocket dimension behind my throne. How long will that hold them?

SOUND: magic mirror

SOUND: indistinct mumbling

QUEEN AUGUSTA

What? What use is that! Would daily wreaths of fresh herbs help?

SOUND: magic mirror

SOUND: indistinct mumbling

QUEEN AUGUSTA

I don't care if it's unproven. You will give me a superstitious alternative or I will keep wreaths behind my throne from now on!

SOUND: footsteps

QUEEN AUGUSTA

You must tell me how to conceal them. No one can know they're there.

SOUND: magic mirror

SOUND: indistinct mumbling

QUEEN AUGUSTA

That would be temporary, too? Unacceptable! You will find a way to conceal them forever.

SOUND: footsteps

NAZZY

She's coming this way! She'll see me.

CHILD YEMILINA

Do you want to hide from mommy? Play hide and seek. I'll tell her to count.

NAZZY

Please don't. Don't tell mommy I was here. I'm your imaginary friend. I'm going to vanish now.

CHILD YEMILINA

Okay. Bye!

SOUND: time travel

EXT CAVE

SOUND: sap bugs buzzing

NAZZY

Whoa! Why did you leave the cave? You've exposed the Princess to sap bugs out there.

SIR JP

We got hungry. She wouldn't stay put.

YEMILINA

Only one bug bite so far. I am proving to Sir JP that I can stop myself singing when it's only (sung:) one bite...!

I can!

NAZZY

Was I gone that long? I meant to pop right back at the point you kept saying 'fine!' and huffing big sighs at each other.

SIR JP

You failed!

NAZZY

I'm sorry!

YEMILINA

(giggly)

We were living in a cave, Nazzy! Like the cave people of the future. How do they do it? It's so boring. Nazzy, go ask them how they do it.

NAZZY

I better have a nap and do that jump later. My time-travelling muscles seem to be straining. Lots of demands on them lately.

YEMILINA

Ah, yes, my demand. What did you find out about my mother?

NAZZY

She might have accidentally spawned these sap bugs long ago -- a dark magic conjuring gone wrong.

YEMILINA

I knew it!

NAZZY

You did?

YEMILINA

I knew nothing, but I knew it was something like that!

SOUND: shifting bags

NAZZY

At least you got some food. Here, I'll help carry all that.

SOUND: sap bugs buzzing

SIR JP

Back to the cave! Run!

SOUND: running footsteps

YEMILINA

(panting)

We'd better break here, fair listeners. Now that Nazzy's back and we've got a few days' worth of food to keep us out of trouble. We'll be leaving the vivicord outside the cave to find its own food, so we won't be recording for a while.

SIR JP

Less talking; more running!

SOUND: running footsteps

YEMILINA

(panting)

When we do resume recording, Nazzy and I will be answering your questions.

NAZZY

Not those questions from listeners who think we live behind microphones in the caves of a land called Canada.

YEMILINA

Oh no, not those. Anything you'd like to know about Wilzerlott. All its fascinating people and creatures.

SOUND: sap bug bite

YEMILINA

(singing)

It's a great time to pause our documentary

And answer all your queries

About peasants, royalty, gentry...

Trolls, witches and fairies...

SOUND: multiple sap bug bites

YEMILINA

(giggling uncontrollably)

SIR JP

Inside the cave now!

SOUND: rocks shifting

SOUND: slowed footsteps

SOUND: cave ambience

SOUND: slow drips

YEMILINA

(giggling uncontrollably)

NAZZY

I don't think she's too articulate right now. I'd better do this.

Farewell, cave people of the future. Thank you for listening.

You can send any questions you have to wilzerlott@gmail.com

If you send them by April 9 2022 – your time – we'll answer them in our next instalment. Feel free to email just to let us know you're enjoying this, too.

If we are not devoured by dragons, you shall hear some answers on April 16th. Wish us luck! 

SOUND: closing theme music