Wilzerlott
#15: Everybody Panic
Dragons, EEK, Sap Bugs and The Box of Doom combine in this epic battle that decides the fate of Wilzerlott.
Written and Produced by Jennifer Lott
Voice Actors:
Shannon Rea as Nazzy
Jennifer Lott as Yemilina
JP Lott as Sir JP
Tegan Lott as Teloopa
Nicole Stoner as Enelcia
Owen Lott as Wenoburt
Lynda Williams as Queen Augusta
Jennifer Lott as King David
Ivy Lott as Child Yemilina
Tory Lott as Toddler Giant
Kenzie Stoner as Rose
Dragons, EEK, Sap Bugs and The Box of Doom combine in this epic battle that decides the fate of Wilzerlott.
Written and Produced by Jennifer Lott
Voice Actors:
Shannon Rea as Nazzy
Jennifer Lott as Yemilina
JP Lott as Sir JP
Tegan Lott as Teloopa
Nicole Stoner as Enelcia
Owen Lott as Wenoburt
Lynda Williams as Queen Augusta
Jennifer Lott as King David
Ivy Lott as Child Yemilina
Tory Lott as Toddler Giant
Kenzie Stoner as Rose
SOUND: opening theme music
EXT MARKETPLACE
SOUND: marketplace ambiance
SOUND: crowd panic
SOUND: dragon wings
SOUND: dragon roars
SOUND: EEK laughter
SOUND: kicking inside a sack
NAZZY and ENELCIA
Help! Help! Help!
YEMILINA
(gasp)
The EEK riding that dragon have brought tiny Nazzy and Enelcia with them! Our poor shrunken friends are wriggling with their little heads poking out of a sack labelled…(gulp)…‘dragon snacks.’
SOUND: clanking armor
SIR JP
Where?
SOUND: horse neighing
YEMILINA
There!
SIR JP
The dragon is flying low. I’ll cut them loose.
SOUND: galloping horse
SOUND: clanking armor
SOUND: sword cutting rope
SOUND: sack drop
NAZZY and ENELCIA
Thank you!
SIR JP
Go hide!
SOUND: galloping horse
SOUND: clanking armor
SOUND: dragon wings
SOUND: dragon roars
SOUND: sword swings
TELOOPA
Cover me. I’ll whip up my new sauce for the dragons. It’ll just take a few minutes.
SOUND: bottles clinking
SOUND: cork uncorking
SOUND: liquid pouring
SIR JP
Dragons don’t need sauce. They need killing.
SOUND: armor clanking
SOUND: sword whoosh
TELOOPA
Sure, you can do that while you’re waiting for me.
SIR JP
You’re not the plan!
SOUND: magic staff
TELOOPA
I am the plan!
SOUND: potion bubbling
SOUND: small sword whooshing
WENOBURT
Hi-ya, hi-ya, hi-ya!
SIR JP
Stay back.
WENOBURT
Right behind you.
SIR JP
Arrgh, way back, far back. Find an elf shelter in the forest.
WENOBURT
I can’t reach the dragons from there.
SIR JP
(frustrated noise)
SOUND: people running
SOUND: dragons flying
SOUND: dragons roaring
SOUND: swords whooshing
SOUND: sap bugs buzzing
SOUND: multiple bug bites
YEMILINA
(singing)
Oooooo, it seems that I must sing,
Bug bites up and down my arms
I hope that I can wing the rhymes
And cause minimal harm
Don’t let Sir JP watch my chest
Rising, falling with my breaths
Lucky lips, disarming cleavage
Stick his eyes on flying lizards
If he slips up in this big fight…
We’re stuck with hiding wizards!
SOUND: Clanking armor
SOUND: Dragons roaring
SOUND: Sword swipes
SOUND: Knight riding horse
SOUND: People screaming
SOUND: Dragon chewing flesh
SOUND: People running
SOUND: Pegasus flying
SOUND: Pegasus landing
YEMILINA
(singing)
Hello, Mother. Where’s your smug grin?
I was just singing of how cowardly
Your royal sorcerer has been
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Oh, his timing is terrible, I know, but…darling, all these dragons! They’ve never been so bad. You must—
YEMILINA
(singing)
I question why you brag at all
Of a sorcerer who won’t show up
You fly here with the gall
To watch us die while you go on!
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Now, just a minute. You can’t sing at me like that. You’re supposed to be sappy when you’re like this. You’re being unpleasant.
YEMILINA
(singing)
You tried to kill Nazzy!
QUEEN AUGUSTA
What?
YEMILINA
(singing)
It’s cutting through my sap crap.
You tried. Almost fried her.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
I did not!
YEMILINA
(singing)
It takes place in the future!
You went too far!
QUEEN AUGUSTA
I am not responsible for my future actions yet.
SOUND: dragons roaring
SOUND: armor clanking
SOUND: horse neighing
SOUND: sword whooshes, stabs and slashes
SOUND: EEK laughing
SOUND: magic staff
SOUND: bubbling potion
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Come away with me, darling! This is a fight for dragon slayers and magic users, not you!
YEMILINA
(singing)
You’d like that, would you?
Thrones up in the stands,
Sipping our wine, above
Red splatter paint lands
Not blood from that distance
It’s out of our hands…
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Let’s make it coffee, dear. It’s too early for wine.
YEMILINA
(singing)
I might be gobbled, burned or trampled
Shrunken, chewed on, badly rumpled
Still, here is the perfect place
To sing until you feel disgraced!
QUEEN AUGUSTA
I feel like exactly what I am. A ruler. Rulers must—
YEMILINA
(singing)
Lie! They must be shameful!
Any peasant in your presence
Is embarrassed to have known you!
QUEEN AUGUSTA
You might as well come and insult me in a safer place! There’s nothing you can do to help these people.
YEMILINA
(singing)
I’ll be their moral support
Their luck, their cheerleader
I could sing a report
Or be a horse feeder
SOUND: horse neighing
SOUND: dragon fire
SOUND: dragons roaring
SOUND: armor clanking
SOUND: restless crowd
QUEEN AUGUSTA
As the only person who didn’t receive your own lucky kiss, you must leave!
YEMILINA
Just look at this crowd in its frenzied motion
The merchants and the buyers
Stampeding Teloopa’s potion.
From the dukes to bottom rungs,
Are you making ‘I care’ graphs?
They’ll be wielding sticky tongues
If they don’t swing swords or staffs.
SOUND: restless crowd
SOUND: crowd jostling
SOUND: pots clinking
SOUND: liquids splashing
TELOOPA
Hey! I’m working here.
SOUND: multiple transformation spells
SOUND: multiple gasps of transformation pain
SOUND: frog croaks
SOUND: frogs eating bugs
TELOOPA
I’m fighting sap bugs with frogs. I’m taking out the EEK with sauce and filling the dragons with sauced EEK…okay, I’m officially saving you guys from everything! A little too much pressure. Nazzy? Where are you? Oh, right, you’re tiny. I’m going to pick you up.
SOUND: footsteps
SOUND: grab
NAZZY
(startled noise)
TELOOPA
Go fetch me from yesterday, so my past self can make the frog army while I finish my potion.
NAZZY
I can’t.
TELOOPA
Why not?
NAZZY
Tiny powers.
TELOOPA
Fix that.
NAZZY
Can’t you fix it?
TELOOPA
I don’t know which spell to use without looking at the EEK magic that shrunk you. You want me to experiment?
NAZZY
No!
TELOOPA
Go fiddle with their shrink magic yourself and see if you can figure it out. It probably goes both ways.
NAZZY
That sounds bad, too. Can’t we just find someone who knows what they’re doing?
TELOOPA
Please, this is Wilzerlott.
SOUND: teleportation spell
NAZZY
(startled noise)
SOUND: Body fall
SOUND: Dragon wings
NAZZY
Whoa, teleporting me onto a dragon’s head is not what I thought you were about to do. Warning would have been nice!
SOUND: Dragon growls
SOUND: EEK laughter
SOUND: Machine ambiance
NAZZY
Okay, I see a sort of crossbow thing with lots of lights and buttons. It’s strapped to the back of this dragon. That’s why Teloopa put me here.
SOUND: EEK laughter
NAZZY
You’re busy leading dragons into battle. You don’t mind if I step right past you and just take a look at your magic shrink ray thing, do you?
SOUND: EEK laughter
SOUND: running child
SOUND: clanking armor
SIR JP
Stop, kid!
NAZZY
(gasp)
Wenoburt is charging the dragon I’m on.
WENOBURT
I’ve got this one!
SOUND: small sword whooshing
SIR JP
Wait for me!
WENOBURT
I can do it this time.
NAZZY
Wenoburt! No! It’ll eat you!
SOUND:dragon chomping flesh
WENOBURT
(screaming)
SIR JP
Noooo!
NAZZY
A few seconds…a few inches…yes!
SOUND: time travel
WENOBURT
I’ve got this one!
SOUND: small sword whooshing
SIR JP
Wait for me!
WENOBURT
I can do it this time.
PAST NAZZY
Wenoburt! No! It’ll eat you!
SOUND: feet bouncing on eyeball
SOUND: dragon roaring in pain
PRESENT NAZZY
It’s okay, past self. I’m jumping on the dragon’s eyeball.
SOUND: feet bouncing on eyeball
WENOBURT
The dragon’s got something in its eye. Now’s my chance!
SOUND: dragon roaring
SOUND: small sword stabs
PRESENT NAZZY
Wait, how come I didn’t see me doing this the first time? I don’t want the memory of Wenoburt getting eaten.
PAST NAZZY
(echoey)
I’m catching up. Maybe we’ll forget.
SOUND: air warp
SOUND: small sword stabs
SOUND: roaring dragon
SOUND: clanking armour
SOUND: sword beheading dragon
SOUND: dragon head flop
NAZZY
Whoa! Uhhn!
SOUND: dragon body fall
WENOBURT
I did it! I slayed it! And…you helped, too.
SIR JP
(sarcastic)
Your jabs at its belly button might have killed it before I beheaded it. We’ll never know.
NAZZY
Only good for saving broken dishes? Ha! Where’s Enelcia when I need to brag?
SOUND: buzzing sap bugs
SOUND: frog croaks
ENELCIA
Don’t be tempted, my tiny frog darling. Those bugs are much too big for you to eat.
SOUND: giant footsteps
SOUND: dragon roars
SOUND: giant voices
SOUND: ghost flying
KING DAVID
I have brought the giants.
ENELCIA
Thank you, Your Majesty! You’re my favourite ghost king!
SOUND: giant footsteps
TODDLER GIANT
Yeah. Ready. Hello.
KING DAVID
One of their toddlers is tagging along, I’m afraid. I failed to persuade his parents to leave him with a babysitter. They are very proud of his hammering skills in battle.
TODDLER GIANT
Yeah, me hammer lots. Me fight dragons, okay?
SOUND: hammer on ground
KING DAVID
So be it.
SOUND: ghost vanishing
SIR JP
Enough kids! Arrrh, I was already at my limit!
WENOBURT
I’m not a kid anymore. I am a dragon slayer!
TODDLER GIANT
Me help elf friend.
SOUND: giant footsteps
TODDLER GIANT
Where elf?
ENELCIA
Way down here, sweetie. I know I’m even smaller than usual.
TODDLER GIANT
Elf tiny. Me big.
SOUND: hammer dragging on ground
SOUND: giant footsteps
SOUND: grab
ENELCIA
Whew, thanks! Feels better to be up here.
SOUND: dragon wings
SOUND: dragon roars
SOUND: dragon fire
SOUND: hammering
TODDLER GIANT
You do hammering. You do hammer lots, too.
ENELCIA
I don’t have a hammer. Can I just cower in your pocket?
TODDLER GIANT
Yeah.
YEMILINA
(singing)
What a wondrous sight,
Giants tower over dragons
Except that toddler; he’s a mite
Taller than Sir JP
Two great pockets on his coat
Open flaps below his throat
The left has a bulge – is it a log?
The right houses the elf and frog…
SOUND: non-stop frog croaks
ENELCIA
What is it, darling? What’s wrong? Umm…Baby Giant? My frog baby thinks you have poison in your other pocket. Did you maybe pick up something…mmm…bad?
TODDLER GIANT
Me find shiny box.
SOUND: metal box shifting
ENELCIA
Ahhh! It’s the Box of Doom!
YEMILINA
(singing)
I think I hear a tiny voice.
I’m borrowing your Pegasus.
SOUND: saddle movement
SOUND: Pegasus flying
SOUND: Pegasus landing
YEMILINA
(singing)
My shrill, shrunken friend…
What was that again?
ENELCIA
Everybody panic! A giant baby has the Box of Doom!
YEMILINA
(singing)
Allow me to say that louder for you…
SOUND: Pegasus flying
YEMILINA
(singing)
Everybody panic! A giant baby has the Box of Doom!
SOUND: crowd panic
SOUND: rattling box
TODDLER GIANT
Shiny!
ENELCIA
It’s bad shine! Put it down!
TODDLER GIANT
Me throw it.
ENELCIA
Gently! Put it down gently. Please…
TODDLER GIANT
Me boom it.
ENELCIA
No!
TODDLER GIANT
Me boom dragons.
ENELCIA
Dragon needs hammering. Remember your hammer?
SOUND: metal box shifting
SOUND: giant footsteps
SOUND: dragon roars
SOUND: dragon flames
NAZZY
Oh, no! This must be how we go extinct! That giant toddler throws the box and it bursts open in the dragon flames. These are our last moments…unless I can get that box far away. Right now!
SOUND: shrink ray ambiance
SOUND: fingers tapping hard surface
NAZZY
Arrrgh, I can’t figure out this shrink ray thing. There are so many buttons!
SOUND: fairy arrives
SOUND: fairy wings
NAZZY
Rose! Over here! Help!
SOUND: fairy wings
NAZZY
I need you to read the EEK labels on this thing.
SOUND: fairy wings
ROSE
This one says: eeeeeeeeeeeeek. That one says: ekekekeke—
NAZZY
I meant translate!
ROSE
Shrink range: ten—
NAZZY
Which button will restore me to my original size?
ROSE
I’m still reading.
NAZZY
Well, read faster!
SOUND: EEK laughter
NAZZY
The EEK are coming! Hurry! I need my full powers to move the extinction bomb.
ROSE
You’re nowhere near the Box of Doom. Should I carry you to it?
NAZZY
No, no, keep reading! Find that grow button!
(louder:)
Yemilina, is that you on that Pegasus? Get me to the box!
SOUND: Pegasus flying
YEMILINA
You want to move the box, Nazzy?
What a brilliant thought.
Maybe a few centuries ahead
When neutralizing can be sought?
SOUND: Pegasus flying
ROSE
I found the button.
SOUND: body fall on metal
NAZZY
I’m on the box. Now, Rose!
ROSE
I’m pointing it at you.
NAZZY
Then here I go.
SOUND: Time travel interrupted
ROSE
Whoop, it’s not on.
NAZZY
(frustrated noise)
SOUND: metal box shifting
SOUND: giant footsteps
ENELCIA
No box! Bad box!
TODDLER GIANT
Me throw bad box!
SOUND: metal box shifting
SOUND: giant footsteps
ENELCIA
Don’t throw it! No!
SOUND: wind of thrown object
SOUND: metal box rattling
NAZZY
Ahh, I have to jump! Make me big!
SOUND: Time travel begins
ROSE
It’s on now.
SOUND: shrink ray ambiance
SOUND: grow spell revving up
ENELCIA
Whoa! Wait! Should you really mess with a time traveler’s body size while she’s in the middle of a—
SOUND: grow spell
SOUND: Time travel ends
NAZZY
(startled noise)
SOUND: Time travel echoes
YEMILINA
(singing)
Nazzy, when did you go?
That didn’t sound good
Wrong moment to grow?
Did all go as it should?
TODDLER GIANT
Where box go?
YEMILINA
(singing)
Nazzy has taken it some-when away!
Far, far, far, who knows when away!
TODDLER GIANT
Me want shiny box!
(cries and grumps)
SOUND: fairy flying
YEMILINA
(singing)
Nazzy could be eons off her destination!
You only had to push a bump!
Did you pause in fascination?
Hit a lazy reading slump?
ROSE
Are you singing at me? I was only trying to help.
YEMILINA
(singing)
Too slow! Too slow!
Your help is too slow…
Why don’t you grow
Into an older, smarter fairy
Off you go!
ROSE
I will go! You’re mean!
SOUND: fairy departing
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Oh, now look what you’ve done, Yemilina! You’ve offended our only translator for the EEK.
YEMILINA
(singing)
Summon other fairies in the kingdom
Aren’t they yours to command?
Why do you rely on random people I call friends?
SOUND: multiple bug bites
QUEEN AUGUSTA
(giggly)
Oh, never mind, darling. I’ll point at anything to point away from myself. You offend as many fairies as you like. Diplomacy doesn’t even work with the EEK anyway. They didn’t even accept my offer to curse their leader with invincibility.
YEMILINA
(singing)
Your what?
You what?
What did you do?
QUEEN AUGUSTA
(reassuring)
It wasn’t to help the EEK. I wanted your Time Klutz to be a ghost.
YEMILINA
(gasp)
QUEEN AUGUSTA
(realizing)
Oh no, you won’t like that either, will you? I don’t want this truth side effect with my sap bites. No more!
SOUND: footsteps
QUEEN AUGUSTA
(calling out)
Yoo-hoo, send frogs over here, little sorceress! I need a shield of frogs this instant!
SOUND: bubbling potion
TELOOPA
(impatient)
Not little. And busy. Majesty.
SOUND: stirring potion
QUEEN AUGUSTA
But you are little, by human standards, and your Queen commands you—
YEMILINA
You dare talk to Teloopa after what you said!
You owe me explanations why you want my friend dead!
QUEEN AUGUSTA
A ghost can still be your friend, dear. It would bring such peace to Wilzerlott. Her pesky powers wouldn’t carry over into her spectral form.
YEMILINA
Wait! What curse?
Why did you offer the EEK anything?
How does that make ghosts begin?
SOUND: multiple bug bites
QUEEN AUGUSTA
(giggly)
Your father was an accident, darling. We didn’t understand my invincibility would make him a ghost. Fine print, you know.
YEMILINA
(gasp)
SOUND: ghost appearing
KING DAVID
Now you know, sweet daughter. But you also know it was because we missed you so very much. Find it in your heart to forgive us.
SOUND: sap bugs buzzing
SOUND: multiple bug bites
YEMILINA
(singing sweeter)
I’m an orphan now.
You’re both dead to me.
One of you can’t die,
But soulless you shall be.
KING DAVID and QUEEN AUGUSTA
Yemilina!
SOUND: roaring dragon
SOUND: clanking armour
SIR JP
We really do need more frogs. The royal family is going nuts over here.
SOUND: clanking armour
SOUND: sword whooshes
SOUND: bubbling potion
TELOOPA
Arrh, enough with the frogs. Bring me EEK. My potion is…
SOUND: magic staff
SOUND: puff of smoke
SOUND: popping potion
TELOOPA
…done!
SIR JP
I will bring you an EEK if it’s on the next dragon head I chop off.
WENOBURT
Hi-ya, hi-ya, hi-ya!
SOUND: giants stomping
SOUND: giant voices
SOUND: dragons roaring
TELOOPA
(sigh)
Enelcia? Can you get the giants to bring me EEK? I’m so tired.
SOUND: giants stomping
ENELCIA
(to Teloopa:)
Uh, I’m still in the toddler’s pocket. Hang on, okay?
(to Toddler Giant:)
That’s it, sweetie. Up you get. No more crying.
TODDLER GIANT
Me hurt my knee.
ENELCIA
Aww, next time you don’t get mad. You shouldn’t throw your tantrum right on top of a dead dragon’s spiky tail, okay? Big owey.
TODDLER GIANT
Me hurt my elbow.
ENELCIA
I’ll kiss it better. Lift me up.
SOUND:kiss
TODDLER GIANT
Me boom dragons!
ENELCIA
How about you put tiny people in a witch’s bubbly pot? Not me tiny! The ones who go ‘eeeheeheehee!’ Okay?
SOUND: giant footsteps
SOUND: grabs
TODDLER GIANT
These ones?
SOUND: EEK laughter
ENELCIA
Yep.
SOUND: EEK dropping into potion
SOUND: sluggish splashes
SOUND: EEK laughter turning to gurgles
SOUND: clanking armor
SOUND: sword whooshes
WENOBURT
Hi-ya, hi-ya, hi-ya!
SOUND: giants stomping
SOUND: dragons roaring
YEMILINA
(singing)
Please don’t be entertained while we’re fighting our lives,
This is a documentary and no one doing’s jives
How considerate of the vivicord to give
You close ups on the action
SOUND: EEK laughing and gurgling
SOUND: Goop dripping
YEMILINA
(singing)
Hear now how the EEK still live
Climbing from that pot without reaction
But their dip into that gooey stuff
Has left them looking cooked and candied
In fact, they smell like meaty fluff
Cotton candy sausage if that’s fancied…
SOUND: dragons snorting
YEMILINA
Hear how the dragons turn their heads
They’re smelling something new…
Flames flicker yellow; fewer reds,
I wonder what they’ll do?
QUEEN AUGUSTA
(hurt)
She’s not even arguing with me now. She’s narrating for those wretched cave people.
KING DAVID
Your mother cherishes undivided attention, Yemilina. Must you…?
YEMILINA
Lots of sounds at once,
Hard to tell what’s going on,
I can argue mother
And sing descriptive songs.
The dragons now approach the EEK,
Salivating in their cheeks.
SOUND: EEK laughing
SOUND: goop dripping
SOUND: dragons flying
SOUND: dragons snorting
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Show off! When one is saturated with sap venom, one should be a helpless puddle of incompetence.
YEMILINA
Forbid me to multi-task in tune
Banish me to a mermaid lagoon
Hate me, shame me,
Go on, blame me!
I’ll sing down your every giggle
Watch that lame crown wiggle, jiggle—
SOUND: Dragons landing
SOUND: Dragons snapping
SOUND: EEK screams
SOUND: Dragons chewing
SIR JP
I can’t believe it. The dragons really are eating the EEK!
YEMILINA
(singing)
Gobble, gobble goopy EEK
It seems that they’re a treat
The dragons have stopped eating us
I guess we aren’t as sweet.
SOUND: EEK screams
SOUND: Dragons chewing
SOUND: clanking armor
SOUND: sword swings
SOUND: dragons beheaded
SOUND: dragon body falls
TELOOPA
Fine, hold your applause. I guess the dragons won’t behead themselves.
SOUND: clanking armor
SOUND: sword swings
SOUND: dragons beheaded
SOUND: dragon body falls
TELOOPA
Hey, you’re just singing. Your hands are free.
SOUND: clapping
YEMILINA
(singing)
Your brilliant potion has saved us all!
It more than makes up for the castle’s fall!
TELOOPA
I know, right?
SOUND: vivicord
SOUND: footsteps
CHILD YEMILINA
Is that grownup me?
YEMILINA
(gasp)
Child me!
TELOOPA
No way! Hey, time-travelling princess kid. There are no newborns to kiss here. You’ve got the wrong place.
CHILD YEMILINA
It’s a market. I want to buy breakfast.
TELOOPA
It was a market an hour ago. Battlefield now. No kids allowed.
WENOBURT
Hi-Ya, Hi-Ya, Hi-Ya!
TODDLER GIANT
(noise)
SOUND:tiny frog croak
TELOOPA
I mean they keep showing up anyway, but they really shouldn’t be here.
SOUND: running footsteps
PAST NAZZY
Little girl Yemilina, come back!
SOUND: running footsteps
KING DAVID
Little Yemilina?
QUEEN AUGUSTA
My baby!
SOUND: running footsteps
SOUND: ghost flying
CHILD YEMILINA
Hi, mommy. Daddy, why are you a ghost?
KING DAVID
Never mind, my sweet girl. It’s so good to see you.
SOUND: running footsteps
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Time Klutz!
SOUND: footsteps stop
PAST NAZZY
(startled)
Your Majesty!
QUEEN AUGUSTA
You have exposed my child to her father’s future demise!
PAST NAZZY
Oops. Bad place to stop, I guess.
YEMILINA
(singing)
Don’t worry about ghost spoilers, mother
My child memory gets erased,
This clash of me is not a bother
While it’s blindly faced
By the way, Past Me,
I don’t suppose you know
What might erase your memory?
CHILD YEMILINA
What?
QUEEN AUGUSTA
(roar of rage)
YEMILINA
Never mind. Just a missing page.
Excuse me, while I arrange
To block mother’s murderous rage!
QUEEN AUGUSTA
(roar of rage)
SOUND: shuffling feet
SOUND: body blocks
KING DAVID
Consider scolding the Time Meddler, my dear. Harsher scolding. Killing her will darken our daughters’ merry hearts.
SOUND: dragon roars
SOUND: sword swipes
SOUND: clanking armor
PAST NAZZY
Come on now, little Yemmy. I’ll get you a breakfast at a market that hasn’t been destroyed by dragons. Maybe this one yesterday.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Take her home!
CHILD YEMILINA
I can’t go home, mommy. I’m saving the kingdom.
YEMILINA
(singing)
You’ve travelled too far forward, Past Nazzy.
My lips are already here; you don’t need Past Me.
PAST NAZZY
You missed today’s newborns.
We have to get them all kissed to save—
TELOOPA
I saved the kingdom. It’s already done.
SOUND: EEK screams
SOUND: Dragons chewing
PAST NAZZY
Get a lucky break, did you? One of your dragon condiments finally paid off?
TELOOPA
As a matter of fact. Wait – no! No, no, I see what you’re doing there. That princess kid kissed newborn me and now you think she’s the reason—
CHILD YEMILINA
You’re welcome.
TELOOPA
Unbelievable.
SOUND: clanking armor
SOUND: sword swings
SOUND: dragon roars
SIR JP
Stop chatting! You’re all in my way.
SOUND: clanking armor
SOUND: sword swings
SOUND: dragon roars
WENOBURT
A dragon tried to eat me, but there was something on the dragon’s eye.
CHILD YEMILINA
That’s lucky. I must have kissed you when you were born.
WENOBURT
Princess kisses are gross.
CHILD YEMILINA
I won’t kiss you again. You’re too big now.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
(grunts of effort)
SOUND: Body blocks
YEMILINA
(singing)
Past Nazzy, you’d best be through,
Since mother truly wants to kill you
And the cave people will get confused
With all this jumping round you do
They’re busy processing the news
That current you is lost in time…
PAST NAZZY
I am?
SOUND: ghost flying
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Stop flying at me with your tragic ghost face! You have to see past our daughters’ feelings and see what’s good for them!
KING DAVID
It will exhaust you to kill the Time Meddler. And a past version of her is bound to pop up and waste your effort.
PAST NAZZY
Oh. I’m sorry I confused the cave people. I’ll go.
CHILD YEMILINA
Take me to more babies.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
No, darling! She’ll wear out your precious little lips with all those peasant babies’ rough foreheads.
CHILD YEMILINA
She gives me lots of lipsil, Mommy.
NAZZY
Bye, Yemilina – grownup Yemilina, I mean. See you whenever future me gets back.
YEMILINA
(singing)
But we don’t know where or…
(throat clear)
(talking:)
We don’t know where or when you went.
NAZZY
Neither do I.
SOUND: time travel begins
KING DAVID
Goodbye, my angel.
CHILD YEMILINA
Bye, Daddy.
SOUND: time travel ends
QUEEN AUGUSTA
(frustrated noise)
SOUND: giant footsteps
SOUND: sloshing potion
TODDLER
Um, Hello.
ENELCIA
That’s all the EEK around here well coated in that miracle goop! We’re off to pour more on the EEK castle. Mm, I’m excited.
TODDLER
Me carry potion!
TELOOPA
Careful with that! Couldn’t one of the grownup giants carry it?
TODDLER
Me big. Me careful.
ENELCIA
Do we have something super distracting to give him instead? Like a gigantic fuzzy caterpillar? He’d totally put the potion down if you had that. He would.
TELOOPA
(disgusted noise)
Whatever. I’ll just make more.
WENOBURT
Giant fuzzy caterpillars? I wanna come!
SOUND: running child footsteps
TELOOPA
Is that the only part you heard? She doesn’t have — wait, you’re getting out of our hair. Have fun!
SOUND: receding giant footsteps
SOUND: croaking frogs
SOUND: sheathed sword
SOUND: horse trotting with clanking armor
SOUND: horse whinny
SOUND: saddle movement
SOUND: footsteps with clanking armor
YEMILINA
(cheering)
Oh, you were wonderful! You must have slayed dozens of dragons. It was such a blur. I lost count.
SIR JP
We seem to have a lot of frogs instead.
TELOOPA
They’re just in denial that they are frogs. They’ll find ponds eventually.
SIR JP
You changed half the crowd into frogs!
TELOOPA
And notice how the sap bugs have retreated to their hive?
QUEEN AUGUSTA
I did notice that. It’s brilliant!
SOUND: croaking frogs
YEMILINA
Do you still like the way my chest expands? How was our kiss? I didn’t have much time to read your expression.
SIR JP
I have deep and shallow feelings I’d like to explore with you.
YEMILINA
Deep ones, too? Oh, my.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
An ideal suitor, darling. A brave knight born to noble parents.
SIR JP
Uh…
YEMILINA
Peasants, mother. I love him anyway!
QUEEN AUGUSTA
La, la, la, Duke’s son. I’m sure he was switched at birth.
SOUND: clanking armor
YEMILINA
I hope you don’t need my mother’s enlightenment to kiss me again?
SIR JP
I feel I should speak to your father.
SOUND: ghost flying
SIR JP
King David, may I have your permission to court your daughter?
KING DAVID
What are your intentions…
SOUND: ghost whoosh
KING DAVID
…with Sir JP?
YEMILINA
Well, father, I intend to take off all his armor and dress his wounds, and I shall stroke him and kiss him, and if he’s not too badly injured, I might make babies with him.
SIR JP
(reaction)
SOUND: ghost whoosh
KING DAVID
Sir JP, you have my blessing, not my permission. Farewell.
YEMILINA
Bye, Father!
SOUND: ghost disappearing
SOUND: clanking armor
SOUND: kiss
YEMILINA
(giggle)
SOUND: croaking frogs
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Teloopa, talented daughter of Nolla…you shall be my new royal sorcerer!
TELOOPA
I don’t like employment. Too constraining.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Silly girl. It is the greatest honor to be--
TELOOPA
Why don’t you ask my mother?
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Can she turn people into frogs as efficiently as you can?
TELOOPA
She’s more into psychological curses.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
But I want frogs! I must have my frogs to keep the sap bugs under control. It is my royal decree that all lawbreakers shall be transformed into frogs from this day forth.
TELOOPA
I’ll frog people for gold.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
That’s employment.
TELOOPA
Respectfully, Your Majesty…can we call it bribery? I’d be a lot more comfortable with that.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Bribed you shall be. Come. We’ll discuss the informal details over here, away from this intrusive vivicord.
SOUND: retreating footsteps
SOUND: vivicord cutting out
INT COTTAGE
SOUND: vivicord starting up
SOUND: footsteps on dirt
SOUND: clanking armor
SOUND: dress movement
SOUND: cottage door opening
SOUND: footsteps on creaky floor
SOUND: cottage door closing
YEMILINA
Is this your cottage? It looks just like the one where I saw your parents. But with all this armor hanging on the walls…
SIR JP
It’s where I sleep. Keep stuff.
YEMILINA
You mean your home.
SIR JP
My home is Wilzerlott.
YEMILINA
Yes, it’s about the people, isn’t it? I don’t think of the castle as my home anymore, either.
SIR JP
That makes sense. It doesn’t have a roof or walls or a floor.
SOUND: sitting on bed
YEMILINA
I’d better sleep here tonight, don’t you think?
SOUND: small kisses
SOUND: vivicord arrives
SIR JP
I thought we were alone.
YEMILINA
I’ll send it out soon. We must say goodbye to the cave people.
SIR JP
I don’t talk to cave people.
YEMILINA
Try. For me?
SOUND: big kiss
SIR JP
(sigh)
Nosy future humans, now we are no longer facing world-ending conflicts, our lives can’t possibly interest you. Goodbye. It’s been nice tolerating you.
YEMILINA
And we’ll be back June 3rd 2023.
SIR JP
My remarks were meant as a final goodbye.
YEMILINA
Don’t mind him. We’ll be back.
SIR JP
Why June 3rd?
YEMILINA
Well, that’s a long time for the cave people to wait. Nazzy can’t possibly take longer than that to get back to her documentary duties.
SIR JP
Why not?
YEMILINA
Because we’d get podfade.
SIR JP
(scoffing noise)
SOUND: giant footsteps approaching
SOUND: toddler laughing
SOUND: window opening
TODDLER GIANT
Hello!
YEMILINA
Awww, it’s that giant toddler who almost destroyed us all. He’s so cute!
SIR JP
Go away!
TODDLER GIANT
Me want book, okay?
YEMILINA
Oh, he wants us to read to him. Isn’t that sweet?
SIR JP
We’re not babysitting a giant.
YEMILINA
He’s just a baby.
TODDLER GIANT
Chicken poop.
YEMILINA
Perhaps he wants a book about chicken poop.
TODDLER GIANT
Chicken all gone. Me need go get.
SOUND: giant footsteps receding
YEMILINA
Or he’s chasing the source of chicken poop. Is there a henhouse nearby?
SIR JP
(calling out)
Don’t hurry back.
YEMILINA
(calling out)
Yes, go find your mother.
SOUND: kisses
SOUND: armor clanking
SOUND: dress movement
SOUND: bed creaking
SOUND: vivicord
SIR JP
Be gone, vivicord!
SOUND: vivicord yelp
SOUND: kissing
YEMILINA
Farewell, cave people of the future. You must forgive this long break since we are missing our time traveller. If you are listening to this, you know we get her back. How else would this vivicord recording make it to your internet? Don’t ask me why she can’t time travel everything back to one date and let you binge lesson. She never answers that. Anyway…
SOUND: bed creaking
YEMILINA
Thank you for sticking with us. If we’re not dessert for dragons who haven’t quite filled up on EEK, you shall hear more June 3rd. Wish us luck!
SOUND: closing theme music