#19: Booger Cannon

While Nazzy finds herself caught in a virtual reality battle between Mist People and Sea Monsters, Teloopa collects a young giant's boogers in preparation for attacking Mijar.

Written and Produced by Jennifer Lott

Voice Actors:
Shannon Rea as Nazzy
Ivy Lott as Child Yemilina
Jennifer Lott as King David
Lynda Williams as Queen Augusta
Tegan Lott as Teloopa
Nicole Stoner as Enelcia
Owen Lott as Wenoburt
Kenzie Stoner as Rose
Tory Lott as Toddler Giant

Transcript

EXT – ROWBOAT ON THE OCEAN

SOUND: Opening theme music

SOUND: Monster body slam on water

SOUND: Crashing waves

SOUND: Roaring and gurgling

SOUND: Monster fish chomps

CHILD YEMILINA

My kitty is scared.

SOUND: Kitten mew

SOUND: Ghost flying

KING DAVID

But you are so brave, my dearest. You can comfort your kitten with your courage.

SOUND: Rocking boat

SOUND: Net in and out of water

SOUND: Shifting object

NAZZY

The kitten will be fine. It’s this computer getting held down by sea monsters that we need to worry about.

SOUND: Roaring and gurgling

SOUND: Rocking boat

NAZZY

I have to freeze an extinction bomb! Letting me use it will keep you alive, too!

SOUND: Shifting object

SOUND: Monster fish chomps

NAZZY

Ahh! I can’t get it in the boat. They’ll bite my hands off.

SOUND: Rocking boat

SOUND: Ghost flying

KING DAVID

I can distract them for you! It may cost me a moment.

NAZZY

A moment of what?

KING DAVID

Staying with you. I disappear involuntarily when I exert excessive energy. Here I go!

SOUND: Frenzied ghost flying

CHILD YEMILINA

Go daddy!

KING DAVID

(wailing)

Whirling, blurring through your teeth

I can wail inside your face!

SOUND: Frenzied ghost flying

SOUND: Fish monsters gurgling

SOUND: Splashing

SOUND: Pearl net rising

SOUND: Object rising from water

NAZZY

Okay. Making progress.

SOUND: Object thud on wood

SOUND: Boat rocking

NAZZY

Got it. Thanks, Your Majesty.

KING DAVID

I’m fading! Yemilina…

SOUND: Ghost disappearing

CHILD YEMILINA

It’s okay, Daddy.

SOUND: Computer ambiance

NAZZY

Same design. Five buttons deep, right?

SOUND: Five button pushes

NAZZY

This one?

SOUND: Mist People Ambiance

MIST PEOPLE

Correct button.

SOUND: Rattling box

SOUND: Fish monsters gurgling

NAZZY

Hope this freezes fast.

SOUND: One button push

SOUND: Freezing energy

SOUND: Freezing metal

CHILD YEMILINA

You froze the Box of Doom!

SOUND: Kitten mew

NAZZY

Well, at least that’s done.

SOUND: Roaring and gurgling

SOUND: Monster fish chomps

SOUND: Rocking boat

NAZZY

They want this back! I have to let it go.

MIST PEOPLE

Our computer.

NAZZY

Can you really carry it home? I know it’s covered in pearls, but your hands don’t look that strong.

MIST PEOPLE

Pull lever.

NAZZY

Why?

SOUND: Mist people swooping

NAZZY

Why are you rushing at the lever? What does it do?

SOUND: Virtual reality lever

SOUND: Desert sands woosh

SOUND: Gasping fish

SOUND: Flopping fish

NAZZY

Whoa! What happened to the ocean? Those giant fish are flopping and gasping.

MIST PEOPLE

Dry ocean.

NAZZY

It sure looks that way. Dry as a desert.

SOUND: Ocean waves

NAZZY

Doesn’t sound dry, though.

SOUND: Hand dipping in water

NAZZY

Feels wet. Is the desert just an illusion?

MIST PEOPLE

Virtual dryness.

NAZZY

The fish don’t seem to think so.

SOUND: Gasping fish

SOUND: Flopping fish

MIST PEOPLE

Suggestible brains.

SOUND: Gasping fish

SOUND: Flopping fish

NAZZY

Wait, so their mental perceptions can overpower their physical awareness? That’s bigger brains than I gave them credit for. Are you sure you’re not the mean ones?

MIST PEOPLE

Fish thieves.

NAZZY

Well, I suppose they did steal your computer. Still, you could trick their brains with something less…umm…

SOUND: Kitten mew

CHILD YEMILINA

Breathe, big fish! You’re still in the water! Breathe your water!

SOUND: Flopping fish

SOUND: Gasping fish

NAZZY

You could make them think they’re somewhere else in the ocean and the computer is gone. They’re really panicking right now.

SOUND: Flopping fish

SOUND: Gasping fish

NAZZY

Wait a minute…Yemmy…you told the fish that it’s still in water. So you…

SOUND: Rowboat bobbing

NAZZY

Oh, this is awkward. Looks like I’m reaching for nothing. Maybe it’s better to feel for the oars with my eyes closed.

SOUND: Rowing

NAZZY

Yemmy, what do you see from where you’re standing?

CHILD YEMILINA

Nazzy, I see you in a boat.

NAZZY

And what’s around the boat?

CHILD YEMILINA

The ocean.

SOUND: Hand dipping in water

NAZZY

I can feel the ocean, and I can hear it…but all I see is dry land. Are you sure you’re seeing the ocean with your eyes?

CHILD YEMILINA

I see everything with my eyes.

NAZZY

You haven’t been plunged into the virtual desert reality…why?

MIST PEOPLE

Young brain.

NAZZY

It’s because she’s young? Does that mean all children are unaffected?

SOUND: Flopping fish

SOUND: Snapping jaws

SOUND: Tail slap

SOUND: Virtual reality lever

SOUND: Tornado wind

NAZZY

(gasp)

That big fish jumped on the lever! It’s reprogramming the illusion.

SOUND: Whirling mist people

NAZZY

The ocean is back…but the sky…whoa…

MIST PEOPLE

Tornados everywhere!

NAZZY

I see them. It feels like my hair should be whipping around, but it’s not. Yemmy, look up. What do you see?

CHILD YEMILINA

I see a sunny sky. Why are the cloud faces so scared of the sky? Don’t they like the sunshine?

NAZZY

They feel like they’re being thrown around in a storm.

MIST PEOPLE

Find lever.

NAZZY

It’s hidden. The whole boat is tornados.

MIST PEOPLE

Small boat.

NAZZY

I know. But the lever is small, too, and there’s so many levers. I can’t feel which is which.

MIST PEOPLE

Stop tornados!

NAZZY

Yemmy, can you show the Mist People—

MIST PEOPLE

Kissing fish.

NAZZY

What?

SOUND: Flapping fish

SOUND: Kiss

SOUND: Splash

NAZZY

Little Yemmy! No!

SOUND: Rowing

SOUND: Flapping fish

SOUND: Kiss

SOUND: Splash

CHILD YEMILINA

I found baby fish. Babies need my lucky kiss.

NAZZY

Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to waste your lucky kisses on anything with scales?

CHILD YEMILINA

I kiss baby mermaids at home.

NAZZY

Well, right. Technically, yes. I meant anything that is all scales. Like fish. Or dragons. You haven’t kissed baby dragons, now have you?

CHILD YEMILILNA

No.

MIST PEOPLE

Bad fish.

SOUND: Flapping fish

SOUND: Kiss

SOUND: Mist people ambiance

MIST PEOPLE

No kiss.

NAZZY

Uh, Little Yemmy, I believe these big fish are kind of like the Mist People’s dragons. Think how upset people back home would be if you started giving good luck to—

MIST PEOPLE

No princess.

SOUND: Mist people ambiance

SOUND: Wind rush

NAZZY

Wait, no!

SOUND: Powerful wind

SOUND: Pearl ropes thrown

SOUND: Body slam on rocks

CHILD YEMILINA

Ahhh! I won’t kiss them. Let me go!

SOUND: Pearl ropes tightening

MIST PEOPLE

Princess lying.

NAZZY

She’s not lying. She’ll stop.

MIST PEOPLE

New child.

NAZZY

Don’t you have children of your own who can tell you what’s really happening?

MIST PEOPLE

Solid child.

NAZZY

(sigh)

I already have a bad reputation for kidnapping children. Just let Yemmy go, and we can—

MIST PEOPLE

New child.

NAZZY

(frustrated)

I’m not fetching another child for you.

MIST PEOPLE

Hostage wait.

CHILD YEMILINA

(crying)

Let me go! Let me go!

SOUND: Ghost appears

KING DAVID

(angry wails)

CHILD YEMILINA

Daddy!

KING DAVID

Release my daughter!

NAZZY

See? Now you’ve got an angry ghost on your hands. Bad move.

SOUND: Ghost flying

KING DAVID

I will batter the air molecules out of you – you pathetic breezes!

SOUND: Frenzied ghost flying

SOUND: Mist people ambiance

SOUND: Air clashes

MIST PEOPLE

Mean king.

NAZZY

Oh, I see how it is. How about this: mean time traveler is going to let the mean fish and the mean king defeat you…unless you let the princess go.

SOUND: Mist people ambiance

SOUND: Fish snapping

SOUND: Ghost flying

NAZZY

Well…?

MIST PEOPLE

Mean Nazzy.

SOUND: Ocean waves

EXT – EDGE OF FOREST – APPROACHING MARKETPLACE

SOUND: Vivicord

SOUND: Forest ambiance fading out

SOUND: Marketplace ambiance fading in

SOUND: Footsteps

QUEEN AUGUSTA

It is entirely the Time Meddler’s fault. Every misfortune I have ever suffered can be traced back to her selfish impulses.

TELOOPA

This should be good.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

It started when she was a child playing with time. She used to steal my gowns from the past.

TELOOPA

So that you wouldn’t see the stains her parents couldn’t get out in the present. She was protecting them.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

If you’re implying that she was a good daughter, it’s the only good thing she’s ever done! Mijar would not have betrayed me if it hadn’t been for her.

TELOOPA

You’re not going to land the logic on this.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

It’s in plain sight without my saying a word, but I will spell it out for you. The Time Meddler has done things to my past without my knowledge. Things that have weakened me. She molded me into a generous and trusting employer. Without her interference, I would have seen the glint of rebellion in Mijar’s eyes long ago and had him justly executed.

TELOOPA

Wow.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Must my poor daughter fly from death for the rest of her life, Sorceress?

TELOOPA

I’ll fix the wolf-people eventually.

SOUND: Bubbles popping

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Are you sure? You still haven’t stopped those bubbles from coming out of your ears.

TELOOPA

They’re wearing off.

SOUND: Giant footsteps approaching

ENELCIA

I’ve brought our favourite giant, as requested. Stop here, sweetie, before you trample any merchants or wagons.

SOUND: Giant footsteps stop

TODDLER GIANT

Hello. (3 Tory Inspiration: 123)

TELOOPA

Great. Talk him into lying down. I need to weaponize his boogers.

ENELCIA

Wait a minute, I thought you just wanted him to hang out with us. Be part of our team.

TELOOPA

He’s unreliable. Always going home to his mommy.

TODDLER GIANT

Me love mommy. Me love grandma. (Tory Inspiration: 300-314)

TELOOPA

Exactly. You can’t be on standby as a living booger cannon if you love your family so much. Wait…do your mom and your grandma have lots of boogers, too?

TODDLER GIANT

No! (Tory Inspiration: 1343)

TELOOPA

Too bad. Come down here with that nose of yours. I need a big sample to do my best replicating magic.

TODDLER GIANT

(scream) (3 Tory Inspiration: 132)

ENELCIA

You’re scaring him.

WENOBURT

It’s okay, baby giant. Your boogers are more powerful than the bad guy.

TODDLER GIANT

Bad guy? (Tory Inspiration: 1444)

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Yes, young subject. It is your duty to donate your bodily fluids as needed to defend your Queen. Bring your nose down here.

SOUND: Magic flag waving

TODDLER GIANT

Pretty flag! (3 Tory Inspiration: 214)

TELOOPA

Please, Your Majesty, stop waving that flag like a wand. It’s embarrassing.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Is this oversized child not also time-displaced?

TELOOPA

No, we’ve just got one of those.

WENOBURT

I’ll donate my boogers, Your Majesty! Mine are as big as a giant’s! See?

SOUND: Nose blowing

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Too much helping. Ugh. Go hunt for worms.

WENOBURT

I’ll hunt at once, Your Majesty.

SOUND: Running child

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Surely the Time Klutz has left plenty of time-displaced adults scattered throughout my kingdom. If I wave my flag, I shall discover them.

TELOOPA

Oh, so now you’re hoping she’s been helpful?

SOUND: Fairy arrives

SOUND: Fairy wings

ROSE

Mijar is setting up majmeters at the castle ruins.

ENELCIA 

What’s a majmeter?

ROSE

They measure levels of magic. Fairies use them to find flowers that have been enchanted.

TELOOPA

My mother used one on me when I couldn’t make my cereal fly around.

ENELCIA 

Wait…you can’t levitate cereal?

TELOOPA

I was three.

ENELCIA 

Oh. Harsh.

TELOOPA

Right?

QUEEN AUGUSTA

That’s what ‘Reclassifying Ceremony’ must mean. He’s ranking Wilzerlott citizens according to magic instead of nobility. How ridiculous!

TELOOPA

Anyway…my sample?

ENELCIA 

Lie down, sweetie. It’s okay. I’ll get a big sack of wool for your head…better make that three big sacks.

SOUND: Fading footsteps

SOUND: Distant dragging sacks

SOUND: Distant “Hey!”

SOUND: Approaching footsteps

SOUND: Sacks dragging closer

ENELCIA

Three gold for the wool merchant over there. Anybody?

SOUND: “Come back here!”

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Never mind, peasant. It’s a matter of kingdom security.

SOUND: Flapping dove

SOUND: Cooing dove

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Yemilina, is that you?

SOUND: Pecking dove

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Ouch! Don’t peck at my scalp, darling. Let’s talk about this. Does anyone here speak dove?

ENELCIA 

Uh…me! She wants you to pay the wool merchant.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Are you sure? Where did you study bird lan—

SOUND: Pecking dove

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Ow! Ouch! Oh, give him four gold just in case.

SOUND: Jingling coins in purse

ROSE

I’ll take it to him.

SOUND: Fairy wings

SOUND: Fairy departing

ENELCIA 

Okay, sweetie, lie down now. Teloopa will be gentle. I promise.

SOUND: Bubbles popping

TODDLER GIANT

Bubbles! (3 Tory Inspiration: 229)

TELOOPA

That’s right. Come get my ear bubbles. I get your nose.

SOUND: Giant body settling

SOUND: Squishing pillow

TODDLER GIANT

Me comfy. (3 Tory Inspiration: 234)

ENELCIA 

Good. I’ll stroke your eyebrow while Teloopa extracts.

TELOOPA

Won’t take long.

SOUND: Clinking jars

SOUND: Magic staff

SOUND: Whoosh

SOUND: Wet Suction

SOUND: Rattling jar

ENELCIA 

Whoa, that’s a lot. Um…do your sinuses feel okay without all that snot?

TODDLER GIANT

Frog tickle. (3 Tory Inspiration: 241)

SOUND: Frog croak

ENELCIA 

Oh. Sorry, my frog baby is hopping all over you. Come back, baby.

SOUND: Tether

SOUND: Frog croak

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Did you harvest enough, Sorceress?

SOUND: Mucus sloshing in jar

TELOOPA

Yep. I’ll keep it in here until I can conjure up a cannon.

SOUND: Jar lid screwing closed

SOUND: Running child

WENOBURT

I have your worms, Your Majesty!

SOUND: Wriggling worms

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Ahh, they’re not for me! They’re to keep you busy.

TODDLER GIANT

(laughing) (3 Tory Inspiration: 149)

WENOBURT

(worm chant)

SOUND: Wriggling worms

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Away, child! And take that vivicord with you!

SOUND: Vivicord

TELOOPA

We need it here. It’s still recording us for the cave people of the future.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Nonsense! I’m putting an end to this documentary right now. Vivicords belong with the birds and the beasts and with children who touch worms. Shoo, both of you!

WENOBURT

Come on, vivicord! I’ll show you all the bugs I found.

SOUND: Child running

ENELCIA 

(fading out)

You know, Your Majesty, this documentary means a lot to your daughter. Maybe if you show her project some respect, maybe even help her work on it while she’s a bird…it would help.

SOUND: Vivicord footsteps

SOUND: Vivicord

SOUND: Footsteps stopping

SOUND: Bugs crawling

WENOBURT

Look at all the beetles under this old cart, cave people. Oh, you can’t look. Listen! Right here, vivicord, lean nice and close, so they can hear.

SOUND: Loud bugs crawling

SOUND: Time travel arrival

NAZZY

Hi, Wenoburt.

WENOBURT

You’re back!

NAZZY

Briefly.

WENOBURT

We have to go tell everyone you’re back. Everyone’s been wondering if you’ll ever come back.

NAZZY

Of course, I’ll come right back. But not right now. This is an emergency.

WENOBURT

Do you need me to slay a dragon? Hi-ya, hi-ya, hi-ya!

SOUND: Sword swipes

NAZZY

Your dragons will have to wait.

SOUND: Time travel departure

SOUND: Approaching footsteps

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Wenoburt? Where are you? Come out, child. It’s been brought to my attention that my daughter is emotionally invested in this documentary of hers. Your voice is part of that, so…I’ve decided to tolerate it a bit longer. You may speak in my presence again.

SOUND: Footsteps

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Wenoburt? Come out, I say! Where are you hiding? Under this cart?

(grunt of exertion)

SOUND: Cart overturned

SOUND: Running footsteps

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Help!

SOUND: Fairy arrival

SOUND: Fairy wings

ROSE

What’s wrong?

SOUND: Overlapping running footsteps

QUEEN AUGUSTA

I can’t find Wenoburt. He’s gone! Sorceress…

TELOOPA

I’ll throw out a search spell.

SOUND: Magic staff

SOUND: Searching spell

TELOOPA

He’s not in Wilzerlott.

SOUND: Giant footsteps

TODDLER GIANT

A bad guy come-ed. (Tory Inspiration: 1504)

QUEEN AUGUSTA

That must be it. Mijar must have done something!

SOUND: Magic staff

SOUND: Track magic

TELOOPA

No spells cast here in the last five minutes. It wasn’t Mijar.

ENELCIA

Wenoburt was just here with the vivicord. We can play back the recording and listen for clues.

SOUND: Distant wolf howls

TODDLER GIANT

Boo again on the bad wolf. (Tory Inspiration: 1057)

SOUND: Cooing dove

SOUND: Running wolves

SOUND: Fairy wings

ROSE

Fly, Princess! Fly!

SOUND: Flapping dove

SOUND: Wolf growls

QUEEN AUGUSTA

My poor baby. I’d best get on my Pegasus and keep an eye on her.

ENELCIA

Remember, you said you’d say goodbye to the cave people. For her documentary, remember?

TELOOPA

The wolves are getting loud, so now would be good.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

(bracing breath)

Alright. Thank you for listening, primitive cave people. If we are not poofed out of existence by a mad mage, or reduced to such chaos as makes speaking impossible—

ENELCIA

And if we’re not eaten by dragons.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

That goes without saying.

SOUND: Louder wolf growls

ENELCIA

(shouting)

Lean closer to the vivicord!

SOUND: Vivicord

QUEEN AUGUSTA

(louder)

You shall soon hear more. Wish us prosperity.

ENELCIA

It’s ‘luck.’

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Very well. Wish us leprechauns.

SOUND: Closing music