#20: The Reclassifying Ceremony

Teloopa's team attempts a sneak attack in the middle of Mijar's Reclassifying Ceremony.

Written and Produced by Jennifer Lott

Voice Actors
Tegan Lott as Teloopa
Jamie Oates as Mijar
Nicole Stoner as Enelcia
Lynda Williams as Queen Augusta
Kenzie Stoner as Rose
Tory Lott as Toddler Giant
Shannon Rea as Nazzy

Transcript

EXT – CASTLE RUINS – DAWN

SOUND: Dawn ambiance

SOUND: Vivicord

SOUND: Vivicord running

SOUND: Restless crowd

MIJAR

Welcome, citizens of Wilzerlott. You are fortunate to be ushered into a golden age. Henceforth, we shall no longer be slaves to bejeweled idiots – people who prove nothing to climb to their lofty thrones! You shall witness here today the magic measurements which will determine the fittest people to lead the weak in our harmonious new world.

SOUND: Restless crowd

MIJAR

I will demonstrate my own measurements…like so.

SOUND: Stepping on scale

SOUND: Magical measurement – highest

SOUND: Restless crowd

MIJAR

As you can see, the power in my body bursts right out the top of the majmeter. As the only being in Wilzerlott too powerful for a scale to bear, I shall be your supreme leader.

SOUND: Restless crowd

SOUND: Vivicord

SOUND: Vivicord running

MIJAR

Not to worry. Plenty of lesser leaders are needed.

SOUND: Vivicord running

SOUND: Footsteps on rocky soil

SOUND: Vivicord chatter

TELOOPA

Oh, my vivicord lingo is rusty. Say it again.

SOUND: Vivicord chatter

TELOOPA

Right. Thanks.

SOUND: Running footsteps

TELOOPA

Hurry up! Mijar has already started.

SOUND: Overlapping footsteps

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Play it again, vivicord.

SOUND: Vivicord

NAZZY

(staticky)

Your dragons will have to wait.

SOUND: Time travel fading out

QUEEN AUGUSTA

(growl)

ENELCIA

Your Majesty, you seem to be listening to that over and over just to make yourself angrier. Is it really healthy to—

QUEEN AUGUSTA

I’ll boil my hatred for as long as I like, gardener! Others may boil their pots dry in the waiting, but it is my privilege to let vengeance simmer for eternity.

SOUND: Mijar’s background speech fading in

TELOOPA

While you’re waiting to kill Nazzy, shall we try saving your kingdom from a new dictator? I still feel more comfortable with you. I can’t speak for this gathering, though. They may be swayed in favor of magic over wealth.

SOUND: Arguing crowd

ENELCIA

Sounds like a mixed crowd to me.

SOUND: People shouting “no!”

SOUND: Mijjar background speech

SOUND: Magic staff

SOUND: Compliance spell

SOUND: People shouting “yes!”

SOUND: Mijjar background speech

SOUND: Footsteps

TELOOPA

(whispering)

Oh, way to give up on the power of motivational speaking. Mijar just hit half the crowd with a compliance spell.

ENELCIA

Cheater!

TELOOPA

(whispering)

Quiet! This is a sneak attack.

ENELCIA

(whispering)

Sorry.

SOUND: Footsteps

SOUND: Mijar’s background speech

SOUND: Fairy arrival

SOUND: Fairy wings

ROSE

Mijar has a long scroll to read. He won’t move for a while.

TELOOPA

Easy target. Excellent. Now for the Booger Cannon.

SOUND: Magic staff

SOUND: Conjuring spell

SOUND: Cannon sliding

SOUND: Mucus squishing

ENELCIA

Ooo, that looks like a good cannon. Will the boogers shoot far enough?

TELOOPA

They better. I’m out of range for anything else.

ROSE

And we don’t want Mijar to see you.

TELOOPA

He does have that pesky shield reflex.

SOUND: Mijar’s background speech

ENELCIA

I can’t hear him. I’m sneaking closer.

SOUND: Footsteps

TELOOPA

Quietly!

SOUND: Footsteps fading out

SOUND: Mijar’s background speech

ROSE

It’s not fair! He’s judging people by the power inside their bodies. It’s what you do with power that matters.

SOUND: Restless crowd

TELOOPA

Yeah, let’s not whine about it. Preparing to attack.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

And be sure to turn him into a frog while he’s immobilized with fear.

SOUND: Cannon creaking

SOUND: Feet shuffling

TELOOPA

(straining/grunting)

Wasn’t planning to twiddle my thumbs.

ROSE

Don’t forget to tell the cave people what you’re doing.

TELOOPA

I’m lining up the cannon.

SOUND: Cannon sliding

SOUND: Feet shuffling

TELOOPA

Raising it…aiming over the rocks…

SOUND: Footsteps fading in

ENELCIA

(offended noise)

He just measured all the elves from my grove as only magical enough to provide hygiene services. As if the best thing we ever made was a strawberry-herb deodorant. Get him, Teloopa!

TELOOPA

(intense whisper)

How’s this for hygiene, you goo-fearing maniac?

SOUND: Cannon firing

SOUND: Splat

SOUND: Mijar’s background speech

QUEEN AUGUSTA

No, sorceress. I think your ammunition should splatter his face…not the rocks a hundred feet in front of him.

TELOOPA

Gee, really? Thanks for the insight.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Your insult fell short as well. How about ‘spineless—'

TELOOPA

I’d rather work on the cannon, Your Majesty. The insult was purely self-motivating.

ROSE

Call him a Booger, because he hates boogers.

TELOOPA

Calling him nothing. Trying again.

SOUND: Cannon firing

SOUND: Splat

SOUND: Cannon melting

ENELCIA

Your cannon is melting.

TELOOPA

It’s my first cannon, okay? It’s 50% cloud.

ENELCIA

Why would you use cloud filler on something so important?

TELOOPA

Metals are hard. It’s still way less filler than I usually use.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

I command you to use 100% solid materials in your conjuring.

TELOOPA

I need more time. Let’s listen to his speech and come up with a new plan.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Perfect the Booger Cannon. Now.

TELOOPA

How about I don’t, and you boil a forever-grudge for me, too? It doesn’t seem to phase Nazzy.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

(confused)

You’ve just said yourself that you prefer my rule to Mijar’s. Why—

TELOOPA

If you prefer my magical services to his, why won’t you take my recommendations?

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Because then I would not be giving commands. We are here to fight for the natural hierarchy of the kingdom, are we not?

TELOOPA

Is that the royal ‘we’? I’m here because I hate being out-cursed, and I need Mijar to lose. My ego can only take so much bruising. I may have to destroy another castle to soothe it.

ENELCIA

Hey, we’re missing out on spy time. What if learning more about Mijar’s ceremony helps us figure out—

TELOOPA

Exactly. Where’s my staff? It’ll be a strain at this range, but I think I can bring his voice a little closer.

SOUND: Magic staff

SOUND: Amplification spell

MIJAR

(background speech audible)

ENELCIA

Oh, much louder. Good.

SOUND: Giant footsteps

TODDLER GIANT

Treasure. Me find treasure.

SOUND: Pot swinging

SOUND: Coins clinking

SOUND: Goblets clanging

MIJAR

(background speech audible)—

SOUND: Giant footsteps

SOUND: Mijar’s background speech

TELOOPA

Arrh, you’re blocking my spell. Move.

ENELCIA

But now you have the source. You could launch boogers with our giant friend.

TODDLER GIANT

My nose is clean.

TELOOPA

Then move over, Useless.

TODDLER GIANT

(whining)

ENELCIA

Come over here with me, sweetie.

SOUND: Giant footsteps

ENELCIA

What have you got in your pot? Ooo, coins, gemstones, golden goblets...

SOUND: Hands combing through coins

SOUND: Goblets clanging

ENELCIA

Oh. I’m going to hold this one, okay?

SOUND: Glass cup pick up

ENELCIA

This glass cup might give you an owie.

TELOOPA

Resuming my delicate spell. Everyone shush.

SOUND: Magic staff

SOUND: Amplification spell

***MIJAR

There is nothing I can’t do for Wilzerlott. No problem is insurmountable. Name it. I can solve it.

ATTENDEE

Dragons!

MIJAR

Indeed, Sir. There will always be dragon attacks and the collective efforts of our talented citizens will never be enough to extinguish them. That’s why you have the masterful, the all-powerful…

SOUND: Drum roll

MIJAR

Me! Your Supreme Protector!

SOUND: Crowd cheering

SOUND: Crowd murmuring

MIJAR

For your peace of mind, you shall witness here today the expert snuffing out of a dragon’s breath. The breaking of the ravenous monster’s spirit. With one blast of my staff, our visiting dragon shall be weaponless! An adorable slave, dancing on its tail. No one shall be eaten! It shan’t get even a nibble of the smallest imp.

SOUND: Crowd cheering

SOUND: Crowd murmuring

TELOOPA

He must have summoned a dragon for this. If it was just the smell of so many people in one place, we would already have a swarm of dragons here.

ENELCIA

You mean he’s deliberately risking a dragon attack when the dragons haven’t noticed us yet? Are you kidding me?

TELOOPA

Maybe he really believes he’ll enchant a dragon quick as throw a spell at it. He won’t. Brute strength always works better than magic against dragons. If we can get Sir JP to swoop in when Mijar fails, he’ll have to rethink this.

ENELCIA

How will we find Sir JP? Your last searching spell only said he’s still in Wilzerlott.

TELOOPA

I can do better.

SOUND: Magic staff

SOUND: Searching spell

TELOOPA

He’s…this far from us. See?

SOUND: Light map ambiance

SOUND: Fairy wings

ROSE

Is that red dot him?

TELOOPA

Yes. But he’s not himself. Not in his own body.

ROSE

(gasp)

What is he?

TELOOPA

Something that’s not moving. He’s either resting, or…

ROSE

Or what?

TELOOPA

He’s something immobile. A plate. Or a lantern. Or a helmet.

ENELCIA

I thought that was too hard. Changing something organic into some object, it’s—

QUEEN AUGUSTA

It’s not too hard for Mijar. He’s done it before.

TELOOPA

I’ve never done it.

ENELCIA

Then how will you change him back?

QUEEN AUGUSTA

We can at least determine what he has become.

TELOOPA

Right, and I’ll have to push my boundaries if it’s anything likely to get smashed. Better for him to be my first attempt at object-to-person restoration than for him to be pieces, right?

SOUND: Giant footsteps

SOUND: Goblets clanging

SOUND: Cup lifting

TODDLER GIANT

Me boom glass cup.

QUEEN AUGUSTA, ENELCIA and ROSE

(improv: No, no, you can’t! It might be Sir JP! No booming!)

TELOOPA

Guys! Light map, remember? He’s not here. He’s over there.

SOUND: Light map ambiance

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Oh, yes, of course. Baby giant, you must not boom anything in that direction. See there?

TODDLER GIANT

No boom red light.

TELOOPA

That’s the general idea.

SOUND: Leprechaun pot calling

QUEEN AUGUSTA

What is that? Has my flag found loyal subjects at last? I don’t remember waving it.

TELOOPA

That’s the treasure pot. Don’t listen. It’s probably cursed by leprechauns.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

What nonsense.

SOUND: Leprechaun pot calling

QUEEN AUGUSTA

It’s a lovely sound. It must be calling to me because it wants to go home to my treasury. All things shiny and golden know their Queen.

SOUND: Footsteps

SOUND: Hands combing through coins

QUEEN AUGUSTA

There’s an inscription on the pot. ‘Rub the rim to win.’ How intriguing…

SOUND: Fairy wings

ROSE

Don’t do it!

SOUND: Fingers rub on metal

SOUND: Magic coin addition

SOUND: Leprechaun cheer

TODDLER GIANT

More treasure!

QUEEN AUGUSTA

How astonishing. It was only half full and now it’s three-quarters at least. One more rub to top it up.

SOUND: Fingers rub on metal

SOUND: Magic coin subtraction

SOUND: Leprechaun groan

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Ah, not that time. Now I’ve lost some. One more rub.

SOUND: Fingers rub on metal

SOUND: Magic coin addition

SOUND: Leprechaun cheer

QUEEN AUGUSTA

It’s exhilarating! The treasure is cheering for me.

ROSE

The pot of gold never gets full.

SOUND: Fingers rub on metal

SOUND: Magic coin addition

SOUND: Leprechaun cheer

QUEEN AUGUSTA

I must be getting better at this.

ENELCIA

It’s just a few coins up or down each time. I don’t think it’s a—

TELOOPA

Okay, and we’re off to get Sir JP. Mission stuff right now. Anyone with mission-brain, grab my hand and we’ll teleport.

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Just a minute.

SOUND: Fingers rub on metal

SOUND: Magic coin addition

SOUND: Leprechaun cheer

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Oh, so close that time! One more.

SOUND: Fingers rub on metal

SOUND: Magic coin subtraction

SOUND: Leprechaun groan

QUEEN AUGUSTA

Bother.

SOUND: Fingers rub on metal

SOUND: Fairy wings

ROSE

Goodbye, Queen.

ENELCIA

Wait! Look!

SOUND: Dragon flying

SOUND: Crowd screaming

SOUND: Dragon breathing fire

ENELCIA

We’re too late!

SOUND: Dragon flying

SOUND: Crowd screaming

SOUND: Dragon roaring

SOUND: Cape whoosh

MIJAR

Fear not, my people. I shall save you!

SOUND: Magic staff interrupted

MIJAR

(startled noise)

SOUND: Two dragons flying

SOUND: Two dragons roaring

ENELCIA

There’s another one! Mijar looks surprised. Maybe he’s not even going to pretend he can defeat two dragons at once.

SOUND: Two dragons flying

SOUND: Two dragons roaring

ENELCIA

Let’s get Sir JP quick. Quick! Hurry!

SOUND: Arrows firing

SOUND: Dragons roaring

TELOOPA

Whoa. Wow. That was fast.

ENELCIA

What?

TELOOPA

The red light is here. Sir JP just zoomed across the distance. Look at the map.

ROSE

Maybe he’s that arrow stuck in the ground.

ENELCIA

Right, someone loaded him in a crossbow and shot him super fast. Get that arrow!

TELOOPA

He’s not that arrow.

ENELCIA

How about that arrow sticking in the second dragon’s back?

TELOOPA

Warmer.

ENELCIA

Giants move fast. Is he the shawl that giantess dropped on the second dragon?

TELOOPA

Not that.

ROSE

Is he a leaf on the dragon?

TELOOPA

If you could just drop the ‘on’s…

ENELCIA

(gasp)

SOUND: Dragons fighting

MIJAR

No! It can’t be. I didn’t make you that way…no! Snap out of it!

SOUND: Two dragons roaring

SOUND: Dragon biting

SOUND: Dragon dying groan

SOUND: Dragon falling

SOUND: Dragon body slam

MIJAR

How could you bite through that dragon’s neck like that! You are a dragon. Your teeth are not swords for beheading your own kind! Be a real dragon!

SOUND: Dragon growling

ENELCIA and ROSE

(shocked)

Sir JP is a dragon!

ENELCIA

Wow, he swooped in…just like you hoped he would.
 

TELOOPA

I didn’t think he’d literally swoop. I was sure he was a lantern at best.

ENELCIA

Why would Mijar want to make Sir JP even better at killing dragons? That’s what he’s done, don’t you think?

TELOOPA

Check out the meltdown.

SOUND: Foot stomp

SOUND: Cape whoosh

MIJAR

You stupid scaly brute! I can’t make them cheer for me if you won’t even try to eat them! You’re not the saviour around here anymore. You’re a monster! People are for gobbling up, can’t you feel that? Eat people!

SOUND: Dragon roaring

SOUND: Dragon flying away

SOUND: Crowd relaxing

SOUND: Foot stomps

MIJAR

(fading out)

Bad dragon! Bad dragon! Bad dragon!

SOUND: Retreating footsteps

TELOOPA

I don’t think Sir JP was meant to keep his mind. That part was an accident.

SOUND: Teleport arrival

SOUND: Cape whoosh

MIJAR

You, little witch! You poisoned my dragon transformation. It’s gone rotten inside. It’s all wrong and it’s all your fault.

TELOOPA

I wasn’t even there when you did it.

MIJAR

You’re the only one who could have, and so you must have. Why would I tamper with my own spell?

TELOOPA

You screwed up the spell. Just admit it.

MIJAR

You’re back on my list. There is no hope we can be allies.

TELOOPA

Funny how you flip-flop on that one. I think you really want me on your side—

MIJAR

I—

TELOOPA

—but you’re too easily offended to wait for me, so you pretend you don’t want me. That my power doesn’t make you green with envy.

MIJAR

Green? Green! Are you threatening me?

TELOOPA

Like I’d give you another announcement. If I was going to turn you into a frog, I’d catch you off guard. Actually, I’d do three things. It’s too complicated for you to remember, so I’ll just lay it all out for the cave people. First, I would—

SOUND: Magic staff

SOUND: Transformation spell

SOUND: Clashing shield magic

SOUND: Draining spell

MIJAR

How dare you interrupt your own speech to attack me! You sounded as if you were going to talk for a while.

TELOOPA

Yeah, genius. That’s called a diversion.

MIJAR

You failed again.

TELOOPA

I blocked you again. Whatever you squeezed past my shield can’t be that bad. I don’t have frogs hopping out of my ears.

MIJAR

Oh, it’s far worse this time.

TELOOPA

What?

MIJAR

Step on a majmeter. You’ll see.

SOUND: Footsteps

SOUND: Stepping on scale

SOUND: Magical measurement – high low clash – five low notes

TELOOPA

No way.

ENELCIA

What is it?

TELOOPA

Five spells. I have power enough left in my body for only five spells. There’s no way you can really do that! Not permanently. Tell me how long this lasts or I’ll—

MIJAR

(evil laugh)

SOUND: Cape whoosh

SOUND: Teleportation

TELOOPA

Come back here! I wasn’t done threatening you!

SOUND: Stomping feet

ENELCIA

Don’t teleport after him. You’ll waste a spell.

TELOOPA

Arrh, I hate this.

ENELCIA

Maybe it’ll help us strategize. Rose, can you convince the Queen’s Pegasus to give us a ride?

SOUND: Fairy wings

ROSE

Shouldn’t we ask the Queen?

TELOOPA

No. No, we’re going to leave her in her Leprechaun loop of madness. Fetch the bigger winged thing, fairy.

SOUND: Fairy wings

ROSE

You don’t have to be rude.

TELOOPA

Rose. Go. Please.

SOUND: Fairy departing

ENELCIA

We’ve lost track of who says goodbye to the cave people. We’re kind of thinning out, aren’t we?

TELOOPA

(sigh)

If three of us are still here to record for your next time, fair listeners, you’ll hear more. Thanks for caring. Bye.

ENELCIA

And wish us luck!

TELOOPA

That never works. Don’t ask them for that.

SOUND: Closing theme music