Wilzerlott
#23: Cave People Q&A II
Safe in Nazzy's dragon-proof home, Nazzy and Yemilina answer your questions and speculate on answers absent friends would give.
Written and Produced by Jennifer Lott
Voice Actors:
Shannon Rea as Nazzy
Jennifer Lott as Yemilina
Any questions or comments most welcome at wilzerlott@gmail.com
Safe in Nazzy's dragon-proof home, Nazzy and Yemilina answer your questions and speculate on answers absent friends would give.
Written and Produced by Jennifer Lott
Voice Actors:
Shannon Rea as Nazzy
Jennifer Lott as Yemilina
Any questions or comments most welcome at wilzerlott@gmail.com
SOUND: Opening theme music
INT – NAZZY’S COTTAGE
SOUND: Creaking floorboards
SOUND: Footsteps on broken glass
SOUND: One broom sweeping broken glass
YEMILINA
I can’t believe Pisanna did this to you. You’d think someone who makes beautiful things would be beautiful on the inside, too.
NAZZY
It’s not too bad. Just the corners left.
YEMILINA
How can you be so calm? She vandalized your home, and she didn’t even get turned into a frog for it. Why don’t you just pop back in time to stop her? I think I know when she must have done it. It had to be around—
NAZZY
No thanks. I’d rather clean up.
YEMILINA
But Nazzy—
NAZZY
I probably messed up her timeline somehow. It’s not my first statement from a stranger.
YEMILINA
How would she know whether or not she has a better timeline that’s not this one? She’s not a time traveller.
NAZZY
But there are spells that peek into alternate realities. She might have a clue why she’s mad.
YEMILINA
You saved the whole world from the Box of Doom. You do not deserve petty grievances.
NAZZY
Maybe not. But I tend to lose track of all my peeled apart and patched up timelines. It’s easier to assume I’m guilty.
YEMILINA
Oh, all right. If that’s what you really want. Hand me that broom.
SOUND: Two brooms sweeping broken glass
NAZZY
That’s better. Ready to answer some questions from future cave people?
YEMILINA
Just let me get comfortable.
SOUND: Sitting on couch
YEMILINA
Alright. What have they got to say?
NAZZY
Anonymous listeners ask…
SOUND: Rustling paper
NAZZY
Does the Toddler Giant have any powers? What are they?
YEMILINA
He thwarts Mijar with his giant boogers. Isn’t that enough?
NAZZY
You would think. I better sit down, too.
SOUND: Sitting on couch
NAZZY
Some of these questions are strange.
SOUND: Rustling paper
NAZZY
This one is: ‘do you guys eat’?
YEMILINA
Of course! Do they think we photosynthesize like plants? I thought they knew us better than that.
NAZZY
Maybe they wrote it in a hurry, and they really meant ‘what do you guys eat?’ Mutton, potatoes—
YEMILINA
No, Nazzy, don’t enlighten such a sloppy cave person. They ought to take the time to phrase things correctly.
NAZZY
Well, other listeners might still like to know.
YEMILINA
Oh, all right. Mutton and potatoes, like you said. Eggs, fish, cabbage, eels, pheasants, spiders, apples, roasted rodents, fried woozles, and of course bread. Although now that I’m pregnant, I do seem to be craving berries the most. Next question.
SOUND: Rustling paper
NAZZY
Does Wenoburt have powers? Are they bug powers? Can he talk to bugs?
YEMILINA
I have seen him talk to bugs. I’m just not certain that it’s in a more special way than the way that any child does.
NAZZY
I know his adult self became an expert right out of school. He could have accelerated his knowledge through a magical connection with insects.
YEMILINA
So we’ll go with maybe he has bug powers. We’ll keep an eye out for them.
NAZZY
I sometimes worry he’s squandering his bug expert potential…now that he’s becoming sidetracked by the prospect of dragon slaying.
YEMILINA
You mustn’t blame yourself for that.
NAZZY
Thanks, but—
YEMILINA
You saved his life in our final battle against the EEK.
NAZZY
You seem to think life-saving absolves me of all life-meddling.
YEMILINA
That’s because it does. Let’s move on.
SOUND: Rustling paper
YEMILINA
Will the Sap Bugs ever leave you alone? Hmm…well, we have bug experts on it. Or…I guess we don’t because they were eaten by dragons.
NAZZY
Once Wenoburt grows up, he’ll find a way to…uh…unless I ruined any chance of him becoming—
YEMILINA
Sap Bugs are other worldly beings from a different dimension, so he might never have had a hope of becoming well-versed in them.
NAZZY
Good point. We’d do better with a portal expert.
YEMILINA
Like that bishop who helped to open the Sap Bugs’ dimension in the first place?
NAZZY
I think he was eaten.
YEMILINA
You should fix that.
NAZZY
(sigh)
I have trouble prioritizing whose timelines I should mess up.
YEMILINA
Make it easy on yourself and just do it on request. My request.
NAZZY
It is nice to unshoulder the blame. Oh, here’s a related question.
SOUND: Rustling paper
NAZZY
Are there more portals to other dimensions?
YEMILINA
Yes. Infinitely more than portal experts open.
NAZZY
You know, the Sap Bugs may not even be the first addition to our kingdom that didn’t originate here.
YEMILINA
Here’s one for you.
SOUND: Rustling paper
YEMILINA
Nazzy, will you investigate this: how many boyfriends does Teloopa have?
NAZZY
Ooo…that’s awfully nosy.
YEMILINA
But isn’t this sort of thing the best way to generate interest from future humans? They like intimate information, don’t they? Scandals and real life drama? You told me—
NAZZY
Okay, I’ll look around. Just looking, though. I’ll report back.
YEMILINA
Oh, before you go, there are follow up questions!
SOUND: Rustling paper
YEMILINA
Do the boyfriends know about each other? Are they all frogs? How long have they been frogs? Should someone rescue them?
NAZZY
Got it. Checking on all the hard facts.
YEMILINA
So not the rescue suggestion then?
SOUND: Time Travel - departure
YEMILINA
Forgive us, fair listeners. That last question demands our opinions on a delicate subject. I personally don’t like to go interfering in other people’s love lives, but I know in your culture it may be perceived as insensitive to write off the less fortunate half of a breakup with ‘oh well, frog now.’ At least I hope she broke up with them before she turned them into frogs. It would be dreadfully lazy of her to use that instead of a breakup speech. I’m sure they at least deserved some flowery platitudes before…their flowery lily pads.
SOUND: Time Travel - arrival
YEMILINA
Ulgh! You smell like bog.
SOUND: Wet footsteps
NAZZY
Well, that’s where I was.
SOUND: Sit on couch
YEMILINA
(coughing)
So?
NAZZY
If by ‘boyfriend’ we are identifying each young man Teloopa became romantically invested in for a day or longer…
YEMILINA
It’s bad, isn’t it? How many?
NAZZY
Twenty-one men she dated are currently frogs.
YEMILINA
(gasp)
NAZZY
As to ‘are they all frogs?’ I think there’s a chance she was a less talented sorceress as a teenager and any boyfriends she had back then are still in their original bodies.
YEMILINA
And do they all know each other? The frog-men?
NAZZY
Well, they seem to know each other now. I can’t be certain, since I don’t speak frog, but there is a daily meeting of exactly twenty-one who ribbit to each other in solemn tones. I can only assume they formed a support group.
YEMILINA
Do they warn new men away from Teloopa? They could really hurt her dating life if they get organized.
NAZZY
I don’t think they’ve worked up the nerve.
YEMILINA
And how long have they been frogs?
NAZZY
First one was nine years ago. The most recent – six months ago.
YEMILINA
Oh, good for her. She’s gone a whole six months without a breakup.
NAZZY
That was around the time she got hired to be the new Royal Sorcerer. She might have just gotten too busy.
YEMILINA
It’s a breather for her unlucky suitors none the less. I’ve found another one for you…
SOUND: Rustling paper
YEMILINA
Nazzy, when will the world end for the cave people of 2024? I want to prepare.
NAZZY
For your own protection, dear listener, I am not investigating that one.
YEMILINA
Quite right. A prepper who knows the date of cave people’s extinction is bound to spread panic in the global community. It is global, isn’t it? Spread by that net in their machines?
NAZZY
The internet. Yeah, that’s global.
YEMILINA
And it won’t matter exactly what that date is because it’s always closer than a doomed species would like it to be. If you verify that date, it will bring chaos down on whatever stability is left in Earth’s future.
SOUND: Rustling paper
YEMILINA
Nazzy, who are you in love with?
NAZZY
What?
YEMILINA
It’s the next question.
NAZZY
Aren’t there any for you?
SOUND: Rustling paper
YEMILINA
Not that I saw. I suppose my love for a dragon who used to be a knight isn’t exciting enough to unpack.
NAZZY
Got one. Yemilina, how long have you been pregnant? How long were you pregnant as a dove? When are you due? Is it going to be a dove baby?
YEMILINA
Two months. I was a dove for almost five days. I’m due in the spring of 846 AD. I believe it will be part dove, mostly human. And why did you dodge your question? Who are you in love with?
NAZZY
Well, no one right now. I’m juggling enough.
YEMILINA
A person you’re in love with is not a ball in the air. What about that jester who used to do comedy skits at the castle – Jerry?
NAZZY
That was thirty-two years ago. I moved on.
YEMILINA
To whom?
NAZZY
Oh, a poet, briefly. Then a blacksmith. Honestly, it’s been a while.
YEMILINA
So I missed your most romantic years when you dropped me three decades past them?
NAZZY
You make it sound like I did that on purpose, so you wouldn’t tease me.
YEMILINA
Don’t be silly. I wouldn’t have done that. I’d have hounded you for juicy details after every one of your dates, but that’s not the same thing.
NAZZY
Anyway ‘no one’ was the answer. Here’s a question for Enelcia.
YEMILINA
She’s not here.
NAZZY
Let’s read it anyway.
SOUND: Rustling paper
NAZZY
Enelcia, why is your kid still a frog? You need therapy.
YEMILINA
Yes, she does.
NAZZY
We agree.
YEMILINA
We should tell her she has a problem.
NAZZY
I sort of told her once. Then she lashed out and brought up my kidnapping history.
YEMILINA
We’ll tell her together next time. Ooo, here’s another one.
SOUND: Rustling paper
YEMILINA
Enelcia, are you in love? Awww…
NAZZY
How come she gets ‘are you’ and I just get ‘who’?
YEMILINA
I expect in their world men are attracted to powerful women. They can’t imagine someone like you having no suitors.
NAZZY
Maybe we need more romance in our documentary now that you and Sir JP aren’t quite in the same place.
YEMILINA
I’ll give them a guess. I think Enelica loves the sweet elfin stranger who comforted her after her baby’s father ran off with that lustful troll maiden.
NAZZY
Is that really why he left?
YEMILINA
Yes. She doesn’t like to dwell on it. Anyway, her sweet new man knows that most people in her life are hoping she and her baby’s father will get back together, and so he agrees to act like a casual friend while anyone of that mind is watching. In secret… they are passionately devoted to each other and he’s already adopted the baby!
NAZZY
So if it turns out that she really does have a boyfriend, do you think he’ll help us tell her that she should let that baby be an elf again?
YEMILINA
If he truly loves her, he will! He’ll help her even if she hates him for it. Alternatively – if their trust is shaky or he is selfishly clinging to her approval – he’ll feed her ‘good parent’ delusion until that poor frog baby croaks.
NAZZY
She croaks all the time.
YEMILINA
I mean dies of old age. Frog life spans are shorter than elf life spans, aren’t they?
NAZZY
Not when they’re enchanted frogs.
YEMILINA
Oh. Well, until she’s eaten by a snake then. An ironically tragic end, considering the whole point of her transformation was to keep her safe from dragons.
NAZZY
When we talk to Enelcia, let’s save that prediction for last. We can ease her into a wake up call with stuff like…her kid missing out on a normal elf childhood.
YEMILINA
That’s probably the kinder strategy. Any more questions?
SOUND: Rustling paper
NAZZY
Why did Mijar turn Sir JP into a dragon?
YEMILINA
(angry noise)
Because Mijar is a foul, flaming heap of dragon dung.
NAZZY
Yes, but…the motivation?
YEMILINA
Oh, I don’t know. He was hoping Wilzerlott’s greatest hero would terrorize us and make him look like the hero.
NAZZY
Or maybe it was just for his amusement? He likes creative punishments, doesn’t he? Teloopa told me he punished your mother with—
YEMILINA
No! You promised.
NAZZY
Sorry, sorry…the queen. He punished the queen with a pot of gold that never gets full.
YEMILINA
There was nothing creative about his wolf assassins.
NAZZY
Yeah, that one was pure savagery. More on Mijar…
SOUND: Rustling paper
NAZZY
Why is he trying to take over? Does he have control issues? Does he need therapy?
YEMILINA
Because his heart is also a piece of dragon dung. Yes. And yes.
NAZZY
Why is it that cave people are so interested in therapy? And for someone like Mijar…
YEMILINA
It might have to do with limitations in their justice system. They can’t turn their evil tyrants into frogs, and so they must resort to fixing them somehow.
SOUND: Rustling paper
NAZZY
Why does the queen suddenly care? Just because her daughter is a dove?
YEMILINA
I don’t like that question. It implies I have a mother.
NAZZY
And that you’re still a dove.
YEMILINA
Must be outdated.
NAZZY
Besides, the queen has always cared about you. It would only be sudden if she cared about anyone else…besides your father, I suppose.
YEMILINA
No! Do not give her credit for that. She’s the reason he’s a ghost.
NAZZY
She might still—
YEMILINA
Care about him deep, deep down? Don’t you dare, Nazzy! We hate her forever and that really ought to be easy for you.
NAZZY
Moving on…
SOUND: Rustling paper
NAZZY
Is the royal family related to any of the other people in your documentary?
YEMILINA
No. Do you think I should have some distant cousins featured? We might well find that their lives meet listener expectations. Better romances, perhaps? Lots of therapy?
NAZZY
Do you know your distant cousins?
YEMILINA
I don’t even know they exist, but if they do, the queen did something horrid to hide them from me.
NAZZY
Didn’t mean to drag you back to her. How about…
SOUND: Rustling paper
NAZZY
Are there more realistic animals?
YEMILINA
What do they mean by realistic? Solid? Touchable? Anything that consumes of the Earth and gives back to it?
NAZZY
They might mean horses. Cats? Frogs – the ones that aren’t people, obviously.
YEMILINA
What classifies those as ‘real’ animals? A Pegasus has just as realistic a digestive tract as a horse has. Dragon dung is very real. I suppose it makes sense to exclude the frogs with remnants of humans in them – although dragon dung has that, too.
NAZZY
I think our listener phrased it wrong. Probably trying to find the overlap with creatures they have in their time.
SOUND: Rustling paper
NAZZY
We never know the weather. What’s the weather?
YEMILINA
I’ll check.
SOUND: rising from couch
SOUND: footsteps on creaky floor
SOUND: window opens
SOUND: forest ambiance
YEMILINA
Sunny with a mild chilly breeze.
SOUND: window closes
SOUND: footsteps on creaky floor
SOUND: sitting on couch
NAZZY
Does it snow? Do dragons hibernate in winter?
YEMILINA
We have short winters – about two months of snow. Tropical dragons migrate away during that time, but cold weather dragons flock to Wilzerlott and it really doesn’t make much difference in our death count.
SOUND: Rustling paper
NAZZY
Can Teloopa teach us potions?
YEMILINA
Chemistry only, I’m afraid. Without magic, any ingredients she can advise you to combine will not have any magical effect.
SOUND: Rustling paper
NAZZY
Do you have cars? Carriages? Is it always animals?
YEMILINA
What are cars?
NAZZY
A sort of horseless carriage controlled by future technology.
YEMILINA
Right, so no. Actual carriages for slow occasions, like parades. In general, we prefer a speedy mount like a Pegasus – the better to outfly dragon attacks. Let me read these.
SOUND: Rustling paper
YEMILINA
What year is it? How are you so advanced?
NAZZY
We’re not by car standards.
YEMILINA
It’s the year 845 AD, fair listeners, but Nazzy told me last time you don’t understand our calendar, so it’s best to call it one million years before you.
NAZZY
AD stands for ‘after dragons.’ And you know, there are ways we run our society every day that are by hand, or by using tools you cave people would consider antiquated. Magic doesn’t solve everything.
YEMILINA
Especially when it goes wrong. I know Sir JP, he…. he used to say he’d take a horse and a sword over a spell any day.
(sniffling)
NAZZY
Are you okay?
YEMILINA
I’m just having a hard time picturing the simple things right now. I mean, when I’m having a nap and he’s watching our baby, what if our baby needs a cuddle and dragon claws don’t know how to do that?
NAZZY
Aww, he could…play light games with it. You know, fire in lanterns? Or shadow puppets? He could make the baby laugh instead.
YEMILINA
But it’s irresponsible to raise a child to be comfortable around a dragon! What if every dragon starts to look like daddy to our innocent little idiot? Our baby will be—
NAZZY
Your baby will have the best bodyguard in the world. It’ll be okay.
YEMILINA
I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Give me that scroll.
SOUND: Rustling paper
YEMILINA
What’s your time zone? How does time work?
(derisive noise)
Nazzy, you tell them.
NAZZY
Time is linear unless you’re me. We haven’t invented time zones yet.
SOUND: Rustling paper
NAZZY
Here’s a good one we can both answer. What is your favourite book?
YEMILINA
Oh…I think that would have to be The Dream-Weaving Tides of 10 BD to 10 AD by Miranda Clearwater. She was the first mermaid to ever sell a book on land. It’s a history of the dreams merpeople wove for children and how dramatically the content shifted between the years our world had zero dragons and the years they sprang into being. It’s fascinating.
NAZZY
People living in 10 BD must have called that time something else. They didn’t know dragons were coming, so they wouldn’t have referenced it. Unless there were time travellers guiding the calendar scribes. I should look into that.
YEMILINA
What’s your favourite book?
NAZZY
Frankenstein by Mary Shelley.
YEMILINA
I’ve never heard of that one.
NAZZY
It’s from the future. 1818.
YEMILINA
It’s cheating to use Earth’s entire timeline to choose a book. Pick something in your own lifetime.
NAZZY
Oh. Well…The Great Deeds of Best Friends by Alfred Normus. Coincidentally, that was the first book ever sold by a giant. Really celebrates the strong community ties between elves and giants.
SOUND: Rustling paper
NAZZY
Do you listen to music?
YEMILINA
I enjoy the music of bards and minstrels. Teloopa does not.
NAZZY
I like the lute.
SOUND: Rustling paper
YEMILINA
Do you have health care? Huh? I think most people care about their health.
NAZZY
They mean healers. Can anyone get a healer and the right potions when they’re sick?
YEMILINA
Oh, yes. Even peasants have full access to those. It is very important to avoid secondary causes of death, since death by dragon is so often unavoidable. I’m glad cave people have frames of reference for healers. That must mean they have something similar. What would they be called without magical context…expert body fixers?
NAZZY
Doctors.
YEMILINA
If you’re never going to take me to visit the future, you must at least make me a Wilzerlott-to-Cavepeople dictionary.
NAZZY
Never say never.
YEMILINA
Ooo, would you really try again? I would dearly love to see their caves first-hand.
NAZZY
Maybe after I test run the trip with some enchanted frogs. Not to brag, but I am getting more talented every decade.
YEMILINA
(squeal)
I’m excited. Oh! I think my bird baby is fluttering. He or she is excited, too.
SOUND: Rustling paper
NAZZY
What kind of clothing do you wear?
YEMILINA
Well…
SOUND: Rustling dress
YEMILINA
This dress Mijar gave me when he was Sap-Silly is elaborately decorated with silver gems in flower patterns. The material is thick and silky. It’s a v-neck with puffy sleeves and multiple petticoats.
NAZZY
In general, we Wilzerlott citizens wear tunics and leggings. Cloaks and boots. Most women don’t wear dresses, unless they’re nobility or they work in artistic professions.
YEMILINA
Here’s a ridiculous one.
SOUND: rustling paper
YEMILINA
(snort of derision)
Has anyone ever ridden or trained a dragon. Uh, no! Not until the love of my life became one and he’s only a dragon on the outside, so he doesn’t really count.
(sniffling)
NAZZY
Are you sure you’re okay?
YEMILINA
(muttering to self)
I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him, I do! I am not this shallow.
NAZZY
Let me find a question that has nothing to do with you.
YEMILINA
(deep breath)
Okay.
SOUND: Rustling paper
NAZZY
Do fairies have professions? What does Rose do? Does everyone have jobs? What are they?
YEMILINA
Most fairies harvest magic flowers for merchants, but like any race, that’s a stereotype. There will always be fairies who would rather design clothes or play sports…become chefs or entertainers…I believe Rose is a flower collector, though, isn’t she?
NAZZY
When she feels like it. Fairies often have big support systems, too. Lots of connected families. They only need a handful of relatives to work hard. The rest take time to find themselves.
YEMILINA
I’m glad she doesn’t work too hard. It’s important to stop and smell the roses, isn’t it? Fragrant flowers, I mean, not versions of herself.
NAZZY
As for everyone else, it really depends on their station. Peasants have jobs: carvers who work with wood, criers who carry messages across the kingdom, monks who lead prayer groups. Nobility either get bored and ultimately decide to become useful in some way, or…
YEMILINA
Or they cling to their precious titles and demand to be babied with silver spoons their entire lives. You can prompt me for all insults to nobility. I know it makes you uncomfortable.
NAZZY
Thank you.
YEMILINA
For the record, I was considering an apprenticeship in dream-weaving before the merpeople got distracted by our impending apocalypse.
NAZZY
That was distracting for all of us. This one’s for you. It’s not as stupid as the dragon training question.
YEMILINA
Then I can take it.
SOUND: rustling paper
NAZZY
Is Yemilina a vegetarian?
YEMILINA
That one is almost as stupid. I already answered it when I said I eat pheasants and—
NAZZY
Maybe they’re asking because our cover cavewoman is a vegetarian.
YEMILINA
Our cover cavewoman…you mean the writer? The one passing us off as fiction to skeptical future humans?
NAZZY
That’s the one.
YEMILINA
What has she to do with me?
NAZZY
Umm…conspiracy theory. Not important. Next question!
SOUND: Rustling paper
NAZZY
Are Pegasus common?
YEMILINA
Semi common. And what do you mean by conspiracy theory? I want no affiliation with some conceited cavewoman! You go fix that.
NAZZY
Time travel can’t really mold the opinions of future humans.
YEMILINA
If they have incorrect opinions, we must educate them somehow!
NAZZY
Do you want to stop? There’s only two questions left. We could save them for next time.
YEMILINA
No, no. Let’s have them.
SOUND: Rustling paper
NAZZY
Why do you dramatically make explosions happen and then leave? That one must be for Teloopa.
YEMILINA
She’s not here. Next question.
NAZZY
If we can speculate about Enelcia’s love life, I think we can—
YEMILINA
I speculate that Teloopa would resent the implication that this is a frequent behaviour of hers. She blew up a castle one time, and she wasn’t dramatic – I was.
NAZZY
Hmm…okay, final question…
SOUND: Rustling paper
NAZZY
Are you going to rebuild the castle?
YEMILINA
Hmm, interesting thought. My instinct is ‘no.’
NAZZY
The queen is currently trapped in a maze. The monarchy is falling apart. Maybe we should build something else there.
YEMILINA
A water park for merchildren, so they can meet human and elf children who don’t play in their lake. We could dig a channel from the lake as a sort of road to the park. And a high roof over the area to protect it from rain and dragons.
NAZZY
Ooo, that’s a good one. Or how about a community greenhouse with some built in gardening charms? One free basket of vegetables for any family who will come and harvest their own.
YEMILINA
Oh, but we could really use more dragonslayers. Perhaps a better training academy for the knights is needed? There’s enough space where the castle was that we could even add a community greenhouse to a training academy.
NAZZY
We could.
YEMILINA
And we should stick a childcare house right in the middle of it. Dragons wouldn’t dare attack children if they were gathered under the same roof as burly knights training all day how to kill them.
NAZZY
I like it.
YEMILINA
We’d better leave it there. My bird baby is hungry.
NAZZY
Yes, time for dinner. Farewell, cave people of the future.
YEMILINA
Thank you for listening.
NAZZY
If we are not charred by dragons, you shall soon hear more. Wish us luck.
SOUND: closing theme music