#26: Inferior Justice

Left two days ahead of Enelcia's intervention, Yemilina learns that Wenoburt is suffering from magical brainwashing and takes a trip to the Community Dungeons to lock up the evil object responsible.

Written and Produced by Jennifer Lott

Voice Actors:
Shannon Rea as Nazzy
Jennifer Lott as Yemilina
Owen Lott as Wenoburt
Jennifer Lott as King David
Jamie Oates as Mijar

Transcript

SOUND: Opening theme music

EXT – MARKETPLACE

SOUND: Marketplace ambiance

SOUND: Vivicord

YEMILINA

Another vivicord? Hmm. I suppose whatever Nazzy’s vivicord is recording, the cave people can hear what I’m doing, too. I hope, dear listeners, that you can somehow enjoy me moping here on these cobblestones while busy peasants hurry to and fro with their more meaningful lives. It’s all you’re going to get.

SOUND: Wolf-banishing drum

WENOBURT

Why do you keep playing that weird drum? It’s not even a song.

YEMILINA

It’s a magic drum. It keeps wolves away.

WENOBURT

Wolves? Where?

SOUND: Sword unsheathed

YEMILINA

There’s no need to pull out your sword. This drum keeps them away, I said.

WENOBURT

Wolves are fast. I have to be ready.

SOUND: Shuffling feet

SOUND: Sword swipe

YEMILINA

Don’t twitch so. You’re awfully tense.

SOUND: Squawking chickens

WENOBURT

Can I have a magic drum to keep these chickens away? They’re still trying to eat my coins.

SOUND: Scooping up coins

YEMILINA

Why do you need those coins, Wenoburt? Doesn’t Nazzy make sure you have enough new clothes – longer leggings to accommodate those abruptly longer legs of yours? Or are you staying with the elves? Someone feeds you, don’t they? You’re not secretly earning gold as a chimney sweep?

WENOBURT

This is the queen’s gold. I’m here to buy things for her.

YEMILINA

What?

WENOBURT

There must be a counter-spell I can buy. Or a magic hammer. I will smash invisible walls and free her from the maze!

YEMILINA

Wenoburt, no! What’s wrong with you?

WENOBURT

The queen is trapped!

YEMILINA

But why do you care? She deserves it.

WENOBURT

You’re the traitor to the crown! Hi-ya!

SOUND: Sword swipes

YEMILINA

(gasp)

SOUND: Body jumping aside

SOUND: Sword hits wood

SOUND: Muttering crowd

SOUND: Dragon wings approaching

SOUND: Panicking crowd

WENOBURT

(improv: panicking about a dragon)

YEMILINA

He’s my boyfriend! It’s offensive that you haven’t memorized the look of him by now. He’s not so indistinctive.

SOUND: Dragon groan

SOUND: Dragon wings retreating

YEMILINA

It’s alright, My Love, the crowd will calm down in a minute.

SOUND: Sword swipes

YEMILINA

(shriek)

SOUND: Dodging movements

YEMILINA

Wenoburt, on the other hand, seems a bit, uh, insane. I’m sure it’s temporary. Stop it!

SOUND: Sword swipes

SOUND: Dodging movements

SOUND: Muttering crowd

WENOBURT

Glory to the queen!

YEMILINA

Glory…? Oh, dragon dung! That flag! Has anyone seen a royal flag waving around? Nasty curse on it that affects time-displaced people?

SOUND: Overlapping “Over there!”

SOUND: Sword hit on wood

YEMILINA

(shriek)

Hold on, Wenoburt! Just wait. Let me do one little thing…

SOUND: Running footsteps on dirt

SOUND: Running footsteps on rock

SOUND: Magic flag waving

YEMILINA

Who’s here? Who’s waving it? Show yourself!

SOUND: Flag dropped

SOUND: Retreating footsteps

YEMILINA

Coward! Whoever it was is gone.

SOUND: Flag lifted

YEMILINA

My Love? Are you still up there somewhere?

SOUND: Dragon wings approaching

SOUND: Soft dragon roar

YEMILINA

Burn this flag for me, please.

SOUND: Approaching footsteps

SOUND: Flag dropped

SOUND: Retreating footsteps

SOUND: Dragon fire

SOUND: Approaching footsteps

YEMILINA

Fire proof? Really? Even dragon fire?

SOUND: Dragon groan

SOUND: Flag lifted

YEMILINA

That’s alright. If I can’t destroy it, I’ll lock it up.

SOUND: Running footsteps

WENOBURT

(panting)

Where are you going, traitor? Get back here!

SOUND: Sword swipe

SOUND: Overlapping running footsteps

WENOBURT

Where are you go—?

YEMILINA

(panting)

The community dungeon. You may as well stay where you are and swish your sword at passersby. Everyone hates the queen. Absolutely everyone!

WENOBURT

Liar!

YEMILINA

Almost there!

SOUND: Marketplace ambiance fading out

EXT – DUNGEON

SOUND: Dungeon ambiance fading in

YEMILINA

(coughing)

Whew, what a stench! Is this a deliberate part of our old criminal system? Prisoners must inhale the collective body odors of the entire dungeon? Why should soap be too good for them? Surely, they can still feel punished with a little soap and lavender.

SOUND: Ghost appearing

KING DAVID

Take care, daughter. The scoundrels behind those bars pre-date Wilzerlott’s superior system of transforming all criminals into frogs.

YEMILINA

Really, father! Just because they’re not frogs doesn’t mean they’re any danger to me. They’re chained up. I simply must do the same to this evil flag. It’s brainwashing a sweet young boy who should be obsessed with bugs.

WENOBURT

(distant panting)

SOUND: Distant running footsteps

SOUND: Soft dragon roar

SOUND: Close running footsteps

KING DAVID

I have another concern.

YEMILINA

Do you think we should offer these people the chance to become frogs? We never did use the new system to accommodate the formally convicted. Perhaps—

KING DAVID

The preference of criminals is not my concern. Rather, it is deeply concerning to me that my future son-in-law is still a dragon. Why hasn’t anyone restored him?

SOUND: Soft dragon roar

SOUND: Overlapping running footsteps

YEMILINA

(panting)

We can’t yet. We haven’t a suitable transformation potion. It has to be a powerful one, you know…dragons being so magical…their bodies repel …interference...Teloopa explained it once, but anyway…not now!

WENOBURT

(panting)

Off with your head, traitor! I’ll get you!

SOUND: Sword swipe

SOUND: Dragon roar

SOUND: Dragon flying

SOUND: Claws snatching body

SOUND: Sword clattering to the ground

WENOBURT

Ahhhh! Let go of me!

SOUND: Body kicks

SOUND: Torch bracket rattling

SOUND: Boots thumping wall

WENOBURT

(grunts)

I remember you. You’re the knight-dragon! I thought you ate sheep. I’m not a sheep! What are you doing to me? Get me down from here!

SOUND: Dragon roar

SOUND: Torch bracket rattling

SOUND: Boots thumping wall

YEMILINA

Take it easy, Wenoburt. That’s a very sturdy torch bracket. Sir JP just doesn’t want you running around in your current state.

WENOBURT

Why am I upside down?

YEMILINA

Because your tangled boot laces were the easiest part of you to snag on the torch bracket. Hang out for a bit. Think about how to tie your laces more snugly in future.

WENOBURT

I’m not staying here!

SOUND: Dragon roar

YEMILINA

I’m afraid my dragon-man insists. I’ll be back out shortly.

SOUND: Footsteps on dirt

INT – DUNGEON

SOUND: Stone door opens

SOUND: Footsteps on stone

SOUND: Prisoner jeers fading in

YEMILINA

Besides, the voices in here are far too unpleasant for a child’s ears.

SOUND: Ghost flying

KING DAVID

Silence, you festering sores! Carbuncles! Shut your foul mouths! Yemilina, I beg you to leave off your search. Locking up an evil object is a task for a squire.

YEMILINA

I haven’t a squire with me.

KING DAVID

Leave the flag in a pit somewhere and let rainfall drown it.

YEMILINA

No! I won’t leave it where it can be easily retrieved. If you want me to be done quickly, find me an empty cell. Go on. You could whoosh through this whole place in moments.

SOUND: Ghost flying

SOUND: Rattling chains

KING DAVID

I found a vacancy. This way.

SOUND: Ghost flying

SOUND: Footsteps on stone

SOUND: Dungeon door creaking

SOUND: Chains rattling

SOUND: Chains tightening

YEMILINA

There! Good and tight! You can’t even flap like a napkin into a lap now! No more shall you feel the wind rippling through your frayed and frizzy folds! You deserve nothing but mold and mildew!

KING DAVID

The flag cannot hear you rant, darling. It is not your mother.

YEMILINA

I have no mother! I wasn’t trying to talk to her!

KING DAVID

Forgive me. I must go check that the prisoners are secure. Their chains rattled in a most unsettling way when I passed through them.

SOUND: Ghost flying – fading out

SOUND: Time travel – arriving

NAZZY

There you are! Why are you poking around a dungeon?

YEMILINA

Why not? You abandoned me two days away so you could go to Enelcia’s intervention without me! What was I supposed to do? Twiddle my thumbs?

NAZZY

Sorry. You did great, though. The you I brought. You must remember.

YEMILINA

I tried to give the baby a toy…a cow, I think.

NAZZY

That’s right.

YEMILINA

I don’t think she liked it very much. I just remember frog croaks and the elf mom snapping at me. Was that really Enelcia? It’s…difficult…

NAZZY

To connect how you see her now to how you saw her then?

YEMILINA

Yes. I suppose that was the first time I met her properly. Before what I thought was the first time, when she was watering the castle gardens.

NAZZY

It’s okay to let the intervention memories get a bit fuzzy. It’s what childhood memories naturally do, even without time travel.

YEMILINA

(stiffly)

Refresh my memory then. How did it go?

NAZZY

Umm…we stirred up some feelings. I think we should let Enelcia sit with them for a while. Hope for the best.

YEMILINA

That poor baby! Are you sure you shouldn’t kidnap her? We could restore her to her original body somewhere far away.

NAZZY

That wouldn’t help. It would break Enelcia’s family worse than it’s already broken. 

SOUND: Ghost flying – fading in.

YEMILINA

Some families you can’t fix. You can just protect the young and innocent from all the mistakes of the old, stubborn, corrupted, ludicrous, cavalier—

SOUND: Ghost whoosh

NAZZY

King David!

YEMILINA

Don’t stare at me so, father. You look too long for your beard when your eyes get like that.

KING DAVID

My eyes sag with the weight of my sorrow, my dear. I overheard you describing your mother through the guise of another’s problems.

YEMILINA

The queen, father, is nothing to me! Why would I describe her? Why would I even think of her? It’s your fault. Stop bringing her up.

KING DAVID

You wish to snuff out all thoughts of one who cared for you throughout your youth. The years that built you up into the woman you are cannot be so easily dismissed. She is too deeply ingrained in your past to be so swiftly silenced in your mind.

YEMILINA

It’s true. I learned too late. Nazzy, fetch my younger self and sear into her mind how evil the queen is. Show her the truth.

NAZZY

She doesn’t need that. She’ll learn through the natural course of time. And so will you.

YEMILINA

Learn what? I know everything important now.

NAZZY

Well…

YEMILINA

We’d better go get Wenoburt. The flag’s influence ought to be wearing off soon.

 NAZZY

Are you sure? Just because you chained it up?

YEMILINA

You can take him home if need be. Let’s just go see how violent he is. Come on!

SOUND: Dungeon door creaking

SOUND: Overlapping footsteps on stone

SOUND: Ghost flying

SOUND: Jeering voices fading out

SOUND: Dungeon ambiance fading out

SOUND: Stone door closes

EXT – DUNGEON

Resume Wolf Banishing Drum

SOUND: Overlapping footsteps on dirt

WENOBURT

(improv: complaints about being stuck upside down)

SOUND: Torch bracket rattling

SOUND: Boots thumping wall

KING DAVID

Stop struggling, young man. Your boot laces are only tightening around that torch bracket. Wait calmly.

WENOBURT

I dropped my sword! I can’t fight off goblins!

NAZZY

Goblins? Where?

YEMILINA

Nowhere. It’s him. Why did you jump like that?

NAZZY

Sorry. Big overdose of dermavig yesterday. Happened to everyone at the intervention. I’m still a bit twitchy. How are you doing, Wenoburt?

WENOBURT

I’m upside down!

NAZZY

Apart from that. Did you actually see hostile goblins? You know we have alliances with some of them, right?

WENOBURT

Only the bad goblins are sneaking around. I can hear them creeping up on me and – it’s behind me!

SOUND: Tiny pattering feet

SOUND: Mouse squeaks

NAZZY

That’s a mouse.

YEMILINA

Vigilance might cling to him a bit longer then. But Wenoburt, how are you feeling about traitors to the crown?

WENOBURT

What traitors? Have the good goblins betrayed us? Or is it the mouse? That mouse looks very iffy. I’m gonna kill it.

SOUND: Mouse squeaks

SOUND: Dragon wings

YEMILINA

Please lower him to the ground.

SOUND: Soft Dragon roar

SOUND: Dragon wings

SOUND: Torch bracket rattling

SOUND: Body slide and thump

WENOBURT

Ow! That really hurt.

SOUND: Footsteps on dirt

SOUND: Sword dragging on ground

SOUND: Sword sheathed

YEMILINA

Are you all right?

WENOBURT

I have to fix my boots. It’ll take a long time. Can you watch for enemies while I have my eyes down?

YEMILINA

Okay, we will. Go right ahead.

SOUND: Boot laces pulling

YEMILINA

(quietly)

Aww, poor kid. Two magical ailments at once.

NAZZY

Speaking of, I wonder how long it took for Mijar’s sap bites to wear off. It must just be the music curse keeping him busy now. 

YEMILINA

Do you suppose he’s kidnapped many bards and minstrels? They may be in danger.

NAZZY

Or they may be safer than before. Singers weren’t exactly at the top of Sir JP’s rescue list. If Mijar needs their voices, at least he’ll protect them from dragons.

SOUND: Dragon grunt

YEMILINA

Nazzy!

NAZZY

I’m not trying to blame Sir JP. All dragon slayers have their limits. It’s only natural to spend their efforts on the parts of society they value most.

YEMILINA

Fair point. You know, it says a lot about a culture – what we rush to protect in a crisis. Have we ever asked the cave people of the future to share their values, so we can learn more about them? I know they don’t have dragons, but if they have anything comparable that threatens more people than their heroes can effectively save…?

NAZZY

Who do they save first? I imagine it’s just as individual an answer as it is here between dragon slayers. But you can ask them yourself, next time I go there.

KING DAVID

Go there? A million years in the future?

YEMILINA

That’s when our audience lives, father. 2024, it’s called.

KING DAVID

You can’t go, Yemilina! The Time Klutz dropped you when she tried to take you there. We lost you for thirty-one years!

YEMILINA

For Nazzy, that incident was over thirty-one years ago. She’s had a long time to hone her skills. Just look how often she moves the children accurately through time. Besides, she moved me two days just now. Just as far as planned. Her plan, not mine, but—

(startled noise)

SOUND: Ghost flying

NAZZY

(startled noise)

KING DAVID

How could you, Time Meddler! You call yourself my daughter’s friend! How could you risk this again? How could you risk her unborn child on such a foolish journey!

NAZZY

I did a great deal of testing, Your Majesty. I won’t do it at her whim again. Not without preparing.

KING DAVID

Your preparations are worthless! I do not trust you!

NAZZY

You didn’t seem so fussed about it when you begged me to bring Yemilina to visit you in an even more distant future. A time when only tiny islands, mist people and giant fish are left on Earth.

KING DAVID

How dare you! I have never asked you to move my daughter through time. Never!

NAZZY

Right, you haven’t yet. I’m talking about future you. You asked me to bring child Yemilina to—

KING DAVID

I would never ask you! You will not move any version of her ever again!

SOUND: Ghost flying

YEMILINA

I want to meet the cave people. Don’t ruin this for me. Allow me to live my life the way I want, please!

SOUND: Ghost flying

KING DAVID

You have my blessing, not my permission.

YEMILINA

You said that when Sir JP asked to court me. I thought you meant your permission wasn’t needed, but from your tone now…

KING DAVID

Very different circumstances! It was ridiculous of Sir JP to ask my permission to pursue romantic entanglements with you. He didn’t want me. He expected your answer from my mouth.

YEMILINA

He’s old fashioned, father. 

KING DAVID

In this case, however, my blessing is a prayer for your safe return and ‘not my permission’ means I forbid you to go.

YEMILINA

Oh. Well, I suppose I can understand that. You’re doing the right thing, father. I’m sure I’d do the same if my baby wanted to time travel. I promise I’ll think of you the whole time I’m there and I shall feel crippling shame for disobeying you.

KING DAVID

If you forget, I can give you guilt reminders in that distant future. It is a ghostly talent that won’t wane in the centuries to come. Farewell, my angel.

YEMILINA

Goodbye.

SOUND: Ghost departing

SOUND: Overlapping footsteps on dirt

EXT – EDGE OF MARKETPLACE

SOUND: Marketplace ambiance fading in

SOUND: Crowd murmurs fading in

SOUND: Distant music

MIJAR

(distant evil laugh)

YEMILINA

(gasp)

Mijar! Did you hear that laugh? I don’t see him!

SOUND: Crowd murmurs fading in

SOUND: Music fading out

NAZZY

He must be in that crowd heading back to the marketplace.

YEMILINA

Those minstrels are surely cursed to follow him. Ooo, if he’s blocking those headaches altogether, he may attack at any time.

NAZZY

Seems to be avoiding us for now. It might be costing him some strength to maintain control of his music providers.

YEMILINA

How will we defeat him once and for all? Did you jump ahead and watch our brilliant plan play out?

NAZZY

No, but I’m thinking we’ll need Teloopa’s past self. Possibly some giant boogers.

WENOBURT

And sap bugs!

YEMILINA

Ah, no, Wenoburt, let’s not. Sap bugs make fools of us all. We’d only—

WENOBURT

But they suck away a little power from magic people when they bite. One of them told me—

YEMILINA and NAZZY

What?

NAZZY

What do you mean one of them…?

WENOBURT

A sap bug talked to me once.

YEMILINA

You never said anything!

WENOBURT

(sigh)

That’s because I want to be a dragon slayer. I don’t want you to think I should focus on bugs. That’s my old life.

NAZZY

It’s okay to be a dragon slayer and a bug expert. Wilzerlott needs both.

WENOBURT

I guess so.

YEMILINA

Besides, you love bugs. You were going to warn beetles in your garden about–

(gasp)

I can’t believe that came back to me. I was so little. I remember…I asked you if you could talk to bugs. You didn’t answer me!

WENOBURT

Sorry.

NAZZY

Okay. So giant boogers, past Teloopa…and sap bugs.

YEMILINA

And we should take away all sources of music. Including me when sap bugs bite me.

NAZZY

We’ll have to shield ourselves from bites somehow.

SOUND: Dragon wings

WENOBURT

The sap bug told me Sir JP was stinky. We could try making ourselves smell as bad as him when he was a knight.

SOUND: Dragon roar

YEMILINA

I’m sure it was mostly my lucky kiss that made you immune, My Love. A Sap Bug can’t understand that. It was interpreting its aversion to you with the only framework it had.

WENOBURT

Your lucky kiss made him stink.

SOUND: Dragon groan

YEMILINA

You may recall, Wenoburt, that the reason Nazzy had to find you in the first place was because the queen demanded expert advice on the Sap Bugs that plagued Wilzerlott. You are in great danger of living up to your original purpose.

WENOBURT

Oh no!

NAZZY

That’s not a bad thing.

WENOBURT

She made it sound so bad.

NAZZY

That’s because you’re making her boyfriend feel self-conscious and she’s mad at her moth — the queen!

YEMILINA

It’s because he should be whatever he wants to be! She shouldn’t decide for him!

NAZZY

Deep breath. Let’s try to remember that Mijar is the looming tyrant threat.

YEMILINA

Oh, if only he and the queen would finish each other off!

WENOBURT

But the queen can’t die.

YEMILINA

Don’t remind me.

WENOBURT

And Mijar should be a frog, shouldn’t he?

NAZZY

That is how the law stands. We once told the cave people of the future that we don’t kill each other. 

YEMILINA

(sigh)

Better say goodbye then, before we descend into savagery.

SOUND: Vivicord

NAZZY

Thank you for listening. If we are not chewed up by dragons, you shall soon hear more. Wish us luck.

YEMILINA

(brightly)

And humane justice.

NAZZY

Right…

SOUND: Closing theme music