Unraveling the Family Court System: Strategies for Protecting Your Child in High Conflict Divorces

If you're eventually going to be entering the family court system, you must listen to this episode. As a seasoned high conflict divorce coach, I've seen how the court system often fails to prioritize the child's best interest. Abusers and Narcissists, armed with charm and manipulative tactics, can twist the system to their advantage. Today, we're going to unravel this complex web, giving you the knowledge to protect yourself and your children in the face of narcissistic or emotional abuse.

For additional support and learning more: https://high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com/

Here are additional episodes on this topic:
Unraveling the Family Court System: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1916632/13042085

Divorcing and Co-Parenting a Narcissist: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1916632/12218926

Transcript

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Navigating the Family Court System

Speaker 1 0:06

Welcome to the Relationship Recovery Podcast hosted by Jessica Knight , a certified life coach who specializes in narcissistic and emotional abuse . This podcast is intended to help you identify manipulative and abusive behavior , set boundaries with yourself and others , and heal the relationship with yourself so you can learn to love in a healthy way .

Speaker 2 0:33

Hello everyone and welcome back . I've really appreciated the emails that I've been receiving regarding this podcast and how many people it's helped . I am going to be doing a few more solo episodes coming up to basically give you what you're asking for and responding to topics that have been coming up a lot . The one I want to touch on today is the reality of the family court system , and this is a really tough topic to talk about for a few reasons , and now one of them is because I have a case in the family court system And so , by talking about it , it is a difficult thing to approach . So , before I get in there , i want to just note that a lot of what I'm going to say today is based off of the many people that I work with in their court battles , in addition to helping people heal from narcissistic and emotional abuse . I am a trained family court high conflict divorce coach , and so that means a lot of things , but basically what it means is that I am trained to help you in the strategy and effective tools to help you protect yourself , your children , and to really lean into the reality of what it's like to divorce somebody who is so high conflict and who doesn't care about you or the kids or what's fair , but what they care about is being right , and so there's a wealth of knowledge I have that I might touch on today that is not specifically based on my personal experience . I actually think that my judge , after learning about all these other judges in the world , is actually very fair , and I think I am now grateful to have her as my judge . People are very grateful for my lawyer , but if you don't know what kind of lawyer you need to deal with this kind of person , then someone like me or others that do the same work that I do could really help . So the purpose of this episode is basically to be an overview , because if you are listening to my podcast and if you're getting to the place of divorcing someone or leaving someone , and especially if there are children , you need to learn the reality of the family court system , and I wish I knew that before I got started .

Speaker 2 2:49

The family court system , on the outside perspective people that have never been in it might even say is like this is a place where you could seek justice and protection from your abuser . This is a place that is meant to help people get divorced And when you're married to somebody who is abusive , whether or not you have children , you have to move through the courts to seek this divorce , to figure out custody and to ultimately try and protect yourself . However , what I think a lot of us have seen , or all of us have seen , especially if you follow One Mom's Battle on Instagram . Turning to the legal system , you can leave feeling really frustrated , disheartened and really stuck on . If your voice even matters , when your voice may be limited as you seek to protect yourself and your children , when a narcissist begins to feel like they're losing control , they turn to the courts as a way to escalate an attempt to disarm you and retaliate against you using legal action and bring you down even further . This is even more amplified when there are children involved , because abusers will take your children and basically use them against you , threatening to take away custody . They might even potentially threat to harm them . They might be harming them and they might be harming them and then saying that you're the one that's doing it . And now , if you're like me and all of this is going on and you get in front of a judge , you might think , oh , they'll totally see what's going on . But that's not what's happening , and a lot of times the family court system will prioritize a child having time with both parents over the child's best interest and even the child's safety .

Speaker 2 4:30

I work with people who have restraining orders against their former partners and the family court system is laughing at them . I work with people who have children that are experiencing severe discomfort around the visits in the parenting time by the abusive parent , and not only does the other parent not care what the child is going through , but the safe parent is to blame . That's not to say that everybody that's in the family court system are male and female . That's not it at all . But I think I would say 99% of the time I'm working with the mother . I have one male client who has a very narcissistic ex-wife , but it's usually the mother's trying to protect the kids and the narcissistic father causing conflict .

Speaker 2 5:23

The family court system on its own believes that amicable resolutions and keeping a family together are the first pass to take , regardless of the individual situation that you're in , and lawyers and social workers , guardian at lightems , judges , clerks , work with both parties . They often negate the dangers and they fall victim to the narcissist weapons of manipulation tactics and charm . A narcissist will go in and show how great of a daddy is , because in the last three days he started showing up to all the child's activities And they'd say see that as a good sign And we know the truth . And so how do you move forward with your life if you constantly are struggling for control and protection for yourself and your children and you're constantly find yourself back in this system ? And so I want to address a bit on how the family court system can fail you , so you know what you're dealing with .

Speaker 2 6:15

The family court system was built to protect both parties , with the ability to provide an opportunity to prevent both thoughts Present both sides . This system was built on ideas and beliefs that were very , very old , and although laws and procedures have been written and rewritten and changed , it's still not enough to always support victims of abuse , and one of the massive failures in the court system is evidence . If you don't have evidence to support that your ex-partner is in danger of yourself and your children , which you may not have because you don't live in the same home as them anymore and because what you do have is the word of your child and their behaviors , and it could even be bruises on them and their account of something that happened and their dysregulation . It's often dismissal or unable to be used in court . And this is especially especially true when there's narcissistic and emotional abuse And many judges and court officials strictly adhere to the law and work hard to avoid any bias or empathy to one side influencing their decision .

Speaker 2 7:20

And while that might be helpful for others , for abuse victims it's challenging to convey the depths of the abuse that you've experienced , especially when it's emotional . You might find yourself feeling isolated and that you are not even really connecting with your own lawyer . So , on top of working through having to produce evidence , the court system is incredibly slow . Cases can drag on for months or even years and the sleeves victim is feeling exhausted and that they're constantly within an endless battle . But too many abuse victims feel helpless and alone and are terrified due to the failures of the court system . And it's hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel when you're in it . And it's even harder to find closure when you feel like you're going to spend the next up to 18 years in there protecting your children .

Escape an Abusive Relationship, Seek Help

Speaker 2 8:12

So what can we do If you're listening to this and you're like , oh my God , this is what I'm experiencing . Well , first , in an abusive relationship , it's incredibly hard to know what information the abuser will use against you . So the first step is to gather documentation and work to separate yourself and your children from them . You do want to avoid escalating the situation , and so I always recommend talking to a lawyer , especially because things can vary by state , and asking how is the best way for you to leave and what are the financial implications or the custodial implications if you do it .

Speaker 2 8:48

It's important for you to know . And then you need to start documenting from police reports to harassing voicemails , videos , threatening text messages , photos , voice recordings if you're allowed to have them in your state and time marked documentation . Working with somebody like me , or like some of the other coaches out there , can help you make sense of the family court system . We can help you strategize and lean into some strategies that will specifically work with the person that you do know best . You do know this abuser best . There are a lot of resources out there , and if a lawyer or a good lawyer is out of reach , there are ways to try and find somebody who can help you and who understands the person that you're dealing with . That is almost more important than anything else . I also have a few other podcasts on this topic . I will link them in the show notes below .