Welcome to today you're not crazy podcast, hosted by Jessica Knight, a certified life coach who specializes in healing from narcissistic and emotional abuse. This podcast is intended to help you identify manipulative and abusive behavior, set boundaries with yourself and others. And heal the relationship with yourself, so you can learn to love in a healthy way. You can connect with Jessica and find additional resources, content and coaching at emotional abuse coach dot com. Hello, and thank you so much for being here.
Today's topic is 1 that for a lot of us I got past tense. That was a bit obvious, but I'm realizing more and more that it is not. And I think it's an important topic. It's a very important topic and I've truly started to realize this in my validation sessions of people. A lot of times when I have that 1 off call, I'm talking to somebody who's not a consistent client.
So they might come into it with ideas on some of these concepts that they don't quite understand, but I think this is important. And today I wanna talk about normal bonds, and the fact that trauma bonds are not because you have shared trauma with somebody. Trauma bonds are not about having shared trauma. With another person. That's not what forms of trauma bond.
It is Betrayal trauma. That is what a trauma bond is and it's often due to the cycle of abuse with moments of intermittent reinforcement. And so to start, let's look at what a trauma bond entails. Trauma bonding is the attachment an views person deals their abuser. Think about stockholm syndrome.
You know, people... It's all they start to know after a while. T bonding is the attachment. The abuse person feels to the abuser specifically in the cycle of abuse. People who do not know what dr trauma bond is may think trauma bonds are solely result into the traumatic experiences that they shared with another person.
And like I said, often, I think guy I was naive even thought. That was fairly clear, but obviously, it's not and, like, of course, it's not. It doesn't make sense. Right? Called the trauma bonds.
You would think that, oh, we both went through this tough thing, like, a parent passing away or a house fire, a company shutting down that, like, we we get we come together, but surviving a crisis together is not what creates this. These are bonds that are shaped by the betrayal and emotional turbulence. Inflicted by that person. Trauma bonds are emotional bonds that come from the pattern of abuse, the cycle of abuse, and in an abusive relationship, the betrayal that we experience cut so deep because it fractures our sense of trust. And security in this other person that is likely telling us we should trust them and feel secure.
When someone we care about violates our trust in acts in way that harms up emotionally and physically. It creates this unique bond because we experience a mixture of these intense emotions like fear, anger, sadness, as well as attachment at the same time. And if you think about it, a lot of us might listen to us and say, oh, well, like, they didn't cheating on me so trust wasn't broken. Trust was broken because they promised to not hurt you. Most likely at 1 point or said things like, I will never hurt you.
I will never do that. I will never be like that person, and that was a lie. I used to see these bonds called betrayal bonds. Trauma bonds used to be held the betrayal bonds. And the way I used to think about it was they trade me by not actually being who they are.
But they're telling you that's who they are, and they're telling you trade that you're not seeing it clearly, but then they're... And they're showing you somebody else. So you have this steep connection with somebody who's constantly betray and harming you, because they are not actually who you thought they were and they're not capable of showing up in that way. If you listen to my other podcasts you know that a trauma bond is created to a cycle of abuse, manipulation, intermittent reinforcement, which means that a person alternates between treating you well and abusing you. And this roller coaster of emotions will lead you feeling really confused and anxious and dependent on on the abuser for validation.
You will see the red flags in the moment, and you might get clarity, but then a moment later, they will show you a green flag, or remnant of who they once were, you may laugh together, and that will be the 1 thing that you hold on to. Because it feels like an addiction. So why do these bonds form? How do we get here? And so I've said it a few times in a different ways, but I don't think that we can say it enough, but they form because of the intense emotional highs and lows that you experience in the relationship.
When somebody hurts you and then suddenly just being loving and caring. Your brain releases chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin which make you feel really good, you're so used to feeling bad, even if you don't realize it, that the good, even if it's not really good, might feel like heaven in the moment. I talk about this a lot. But when we are in the cycle of abuse, I truly feel like what we get addicted to is reconciliation because after a reconciliation in the cycle is the calm phase. And the calm, might just be not fighting.
That might be the comm phase. Like, we are communicating in a way that we're not fighting. I know. You're listening to this and you're like, oh, my god. That is actually what good is in this relationship.
I know I hear you. You feel it. It is normal to be in the place that you are. I feel like we get addicted to that because Now that is the new normal. That's the new precedent.
Right? We're not looking for, like, these immense highs. We're just looking for that comp. That com has become heaven it's just the part of the relationship that's not abusive for the moment, and that's what we get addicted to. This whole cycle creates a strong attack to the person despite the pain that they're causing.
And your brain becomes wired to crave those positive moments. Even if they're few far between. And what's going on in the middle, you are likely wondering what is going on in your life and try and get clarity and wondering if love feels like, you this or if this is all your fault, and then we get stuck back in the cycle. So these are really signs that you are trauma bonded, but I'm gonna call it signs that you are in a betrayal bond. You will excuse and minimize their behavior, meaning that you'll find yourself constantly making excuses for someone's hurtful, behavior and downplay playing it, You might also downplay the impact of their behavior.
You might not see it as a red flag, sell your... Tell yourself things like they en it. It wasn't that bad. They just had a long day. They'll feel a strong need to win their approval.
And so the way I think about this is why you feel like you're always walking on tell trying to keep them happy just to avoid conflict. This is your need for approval in your fear of upsetting them. We might go out of your way to please them at your own expense and this is something that a lot of people will do, and they don't realize they're doing it because there's some useful doing it because you likely did it as you were growing up. But there's a really good book that helps call this out and it's called stop care taking, the borderline and the nurses. I will put the link in the show notes.
There's a quiz in that book that helps you work through if you are showing up in these care behaviors, which are just leaving you walking on egg shelters. Another sign is that you have difficulty leaving their relationship even when you know it's hurting you. Even if you are holding on bread crumbs. You might make multiple attempts to get out of it, but then they'll draw you back in with promises to change, even just a short period of that, seeing that person that you saw. You know, like, oh my God, they're back.
They care, but they're not. Because over time, you'll see how quickly that will fall away. A lot of us in trauma bonds are also really ob upsetting about the other person and you're constantly thinking, playing interactions in your mind, trying to figure out how to get back to the good times. You might even be experiencing some of these, like really intense emotions because you can't stop or break the abs assessing back it can consume your energy and make it really hard to focus on anything else in life. You may feel like you need constant validation from somebody else to remind you you're not crazy.
Because you'll feel responsible for their behavior too. You might blame yourself for their actions or believe that if you just did something differently things would have improved. When I tell people all the time is that if you're living in a world where every interaction is, if I did this, then this would have happened, is that the world that you really wouldn't live in? A world where all the egg shells are so deep that you can't walk 3 steps without it coming up? Without you getting and initial stuck in your foot and then having to change the way that you act and the way that you are cannot be the sole reason why somebody else acts the way that they act, but they will make you feel guilty for their outburst, and you will probably believe you're the 1 who needs to change, but I'm telling you right now.
It's not. And lastly, another sign of the last line that I will say is You will feel these intense and intense highs of lows. It feels like emotional whiplash all of the time, which act actually leads you feeling really emotionally exhausted. Because 1 minute, you're on Cloud 9, you went out to dinner, it was great. You can did you had sex after, it felt so good you woke up.
It was a great morning. You smiled. You left to go to the workout and you were, like, finally, And you're on the treadmill and You're like, finally, we are back to where I wanted us to be. I'm so glad. But the next moment you're devastated.
You leave work, you text them that you're on your way home. You get stuck in traffic. You are unable to make dinner before that they get... Home. You don't ask them about their day in a way in which that they want to be asked, and maybe home you're not in the mood to have sex because you're exhausted because you rushed home to create the dinner, and then your boss is calling over something, and you are now in a typical moment.
You are having a typical human experience. All these things are so normal. But your partner not supporting you seeing that you're a real person. They're there with all their expectations. So 1 minute it, you're on Cloud 9, The next, you are devastated because the emotional whiplash to make it hard to see the relationship clearly because you will start to get lanes.
For all the things that you didn't do and should do and should think and would do if you actually cared it in their eyes and it becomes really hard to recognize the pattern of abuse. I remember I had a partner and our relationship in a text message, and then told me to fight for it maybe 4 text messages later. And I was like, did you end the relationship just so you could tell me to fight for it? Like, what is going on also Yesterday, I was the love of your lights. It does feel like emotional whiplash, and that's what we need to look at.
So the question that you're wondering is how do we heal from this. Well, first, we need to acknowledge the what is going on? You know, if you're sitting here and you're listening to those, you list off those things that are happening, just begin to look them up, begin to educate yourself. You need to acknowledge what you're in. If I said this on my last podcast.
If you don't know where you are right now, you can't put a destination in Gps to see where you're going. You can validate your own emotions and experiences, by listening to the signs that I'm calling out and asking yourself which ones of those are true for your chair It is really natural and normal to feel conflicted when we care deeply about somebody, who is also hurting us deeply, but recognizing it allows you to begin to un the complexities, and so your emotions can begin to heal. You also can understand that when we are trauma bonded, we will need to prioritize our well being. If you can allow yourself to see this as a betrayal, a betrayal of, you told me or somebody who you're actually not, We can start to redefine what this relationship really is. You're not in a relationship with the person you got you are.
You're in a relationship with this neat person. I say this all the time. But if you are able to work with somebody who understands. What you're going through and can validate your experiences and help you un the web of what this feels like. I highly recommend you do that because the people that do this work, most often of the people that have felt this.
You wouldn't know what it feels like if you didn't go through it. I will put a link in the show notes about another podcast of how you can be to heal. And If I start going through all the steps on how to heal right now, Podcast will be an hour long. It is in that podcast, I will share it. I highly recommend you listen to it.
And just remember, step 1 is education. So if you're listening to this and you're like, I'm left with more questions that I have answers, begin to familiarize yourself with what you're going through. That is the best you can do at this step. Begin to understand why you feel the way that you feel? Maybe even ask yourself at what points do I get more hooked in on this relationship.
Because maybe what I need to do is stop seeing it that way. A few years ago, I was in our relationship, and every single time we had sex, I'd get hooked back in because I was, like, addicted to the toxic sex. And I think that I wanna rephrase that I wasn't necessarily addicted to it. I was more was more the thing the glue that kept us together because that was so good. But once I started to see it as not.
It and change my mind about it and decide that if this is the time and the relationship that I felt close this person, I don't actually feel proud about that, is when a lot of the other wheels started to fall off a bit because I was seeing things clearly. I was able to recognize like the distinction between the cycle of what we're going through and what I was telling myself and my experiences. And by recognizing that distinction, you can begin to unravel a lot of the complexities of what you're feeling and what you're going through. So Like I said, I will put the other podcast in the show notes if you are wondering how you can begin to heal. And as always, you are not alone, you can find my courses, my resources and how to reject me at emotional abuse coach dot com.
You can follow me on instagram at emotional abuse coach, and you can email me at jessica at jessica at coaching dot com. I really do hope this was helpful. I hope it helped cleared ups in this concessions, and I hope that you go and you get the healing. Unique.
