053 Intuitive Healing from Childhood Abuse and Trauma

In this episode Wen Peetes, an intuitive healing coach whose dark journey from childhood trauma was nothing short of inspiring. Wen was raised by physically and sexually abusive parents, and in the process of self healing, found a life of spiritual connection. She shares about listening to your gut and following your emotions to drive you towards a happier life. Listen in if you want to learn everything about intuitive healing, including what it is and the process, by an expert coach herself.

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You can find her work and book "Inner child healing" on: https://rebelforaspell.com

Transcript

UNKNOWN 0:00

Music.

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Hey guys, Jenica here from Multispective and I'm here to share with you a new episode where I interview Wen Peets. It's a beautiful, beautiful story. She talks about the wonderful life well lived. She was doing really well in her life until she watched a Oprah documentary where they talked about childhood sexual abuse and something clicked within her and she had a very physical reaction and came to realize that she herself was sexually abused by her father. When? Welcome to Multispective. I am so excited to have you on the podcast with us. How are you doing today? I

SPEAKER_01 1:03

am fantastic. So grateful to be here. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

I love every once in a while I get a chance to do like a podcaster to podcaster interview and like I just find it so fun because it's just so there's like a there's like a something that we have like in common even though we're we can be in two different completely different backgrounds different ends of the world but like that that one sort of like community of podcasters where we all just like sharing tips and tricks and things that we've learned and like what we can do to like better our own like work and stuff it's I just find it so fun such a good sort of like bonding you know experience too I

SPEAKER_01 1:44

feel the same way especially when the podcaster is another woman I love it we can share stories on a different level yeah we may be from different backgrounds but we live similar experiences and trying to almost make it all fit in yeah dealing with all woman-ness

SPEAKER_00 2:02

for sure for sure

SPEAKER_01 2:04

it's an adventure

SPEAKER_00 2:05

definitely and again I'm not generalizing here but a lot of the women that I've spoken to are are deeply empathetic we're empaths I think by biologically to an extent maybe a little bit more than men I apologize for saying that but we are to an extent and so like we feel other people's pain you know we express ourselves in with it emotion more and feelings more, I think. And so I do find like, you know, the kinds of conversations that I have with a female guest versus a male guest is very different. It's also like the beautiful kinds of conversations and like learnings that we get from both. But yeah, maybe it's just like a woman to woman thing, right?

SPEAKER_01 2:49

I think we're all souls. We're all beautiful, gorgeous souls. We're just alive. And we each have a different, we offer a different tapestry, as it were.

SPEAKER_00 2:57

Why don't we start off with, you know, you introducing yourself a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 3:02

Sure. I am spirit first. Many people may say I am a woman. I'm from this country. I am spirit. So being source, part of source is what I believe we all are so deeply connected. And that's what led me to do this work as an intuitive healing guide. I love, I feel such, I'm beginning to tear up a privilege of being able to be a part of somebody else's journey. and their adventure joy, that's what I call it, because life is about the game called change, and we all, whether you are dealing with small trauma, big trauma, just dealing with your growth journey, whatever it is, and to be trusted so deeply by another being to help them in their journey, it's so rewarding in many different ways. And I'm also an author and all these different things, and I'm a creative, I write music, play piano, I'm all these different things. I am just a soul who is given the responsibility to move with a knowing and a deep trust that I have work to do, helping another soul, helping another mind to shift, helping another soul to flourish. Yeah, I like that. Why not be in that place, right? That's why we're all here, to really enjoy this one version of life that we are embodying at the moment.

SPEAKER_00 4:18

What is intuitive healing?

SPEAKER_01 4:20

Sure, it's about listening in. Intuitive healing for me is, because a lot of people, and This came about very organically, naturally. I stumbled on this in my getting through my own personal trauma. Intuitive healing is really listening in to yourself, removing the conditions, opinions that other people may put upon you, regardless of your family structure, regardless of your culture, your ethnicity, your religion, and just tapping in, listening and getting intimate with yourself. How do I feel? Where do I spend most of my thoughts? What's the first thing I think about in the morning? What shapes the possibilities that I believe are available or the limits that I put on my life? And where did that come from? Because many of us are not taught to put effort into ourselves. We are taught to do, stay busy doing. Show me the thing that proves to the world that I am worthy. I say, darling, we were born anointedly worthy. There's no proving, but many of us don't have that we don't start out we still start through life at a different point so we have many different challenges maybe to work through and if you have a desire and you don't tap into that but somebody else says for me to believe that you are valuable you have to work in this company and work and get this amount of money and have the house but you can come back home to you and say wait a minute that's not really who i am and what i want so intuition is listening deeply to your inner being, your soul, your source of life, and having the gall to live life on your terms.

SPEAKER_00 6:05

Interesting. No, I like that. And I think that like, it is one of those voices that just gets very, very much drowned within us and just gets buried so deep when we are being told what we are supposed to do from a very young age, where we're packed on with all of these others experiences that, you know, tells us that, you know, societies tells us we should be a certain way. Our parents tell us, our teachers tell us that we are supposed to be, we become a daughter, a sister, a student, all of these things before we really come to, right? And so it's very easy for us to kind of like lose sight of that when we're taught certain ways at such an early age. But unraveling that after you've been through 20, 30, 40 years of that being piled on, it's not an easy thing.

SPEAKER_01 6:56

It's not at all. It takes guts. It takes courage. It takes you really wanting to decide your life. It's so much easy to just be a clone of somebody else or your family, especially certain family structures. They're very rigid. They're very strict. Thou must honor thy God, that's parent and mother and father, otherwise you are. There's all these rules that other people make up thousands of years ago because they do not embrace the dynamic flourishing way that we think and the way that we have discovered our you-ness and our my-me-ness so they're outdated but it is it requires guts it requires you really demanding of yourself to know that you were made for joy not suffering and suffering and sometimes that's the path we've been on so hey we suffer and that's how we do it and that's all I know but we're not made for that we're born to be free to be ourselves

SPEAKER_00 8:01

so I'm gonna before we get into this in too much detail I'm really really interested in your personal journey and your discovery of yourself in this whole in this whole story so and I know you touch upon this in quite great detail in your book as well so you know this listeners this is a little bit of a prelude or a preview of of the book as well inner child healing can you can you tell us a little bit about your background your childhood? Where are you from? What was your relationship like with your mom? The dynamic between you and your dad? Like, yeah, tell us a little bit more.

SPEAKER_01 8:35

Sure. I'm from the island of St. Kitts in the northeastern Caribbean, a prior British colony. And I grew up, I think I grew up feeling like I was a squirrel or something. You have country all to yourself, the Caribbean Sea on one side, the Atlantic, this freedom, this wide open, gorgeous Twin Island, federal where my cousins and I were born free, we had the freedom to just play and be ourselves. And I spent most of my, as many hours as I can, with my grandmother in the countryside. My mom and I grew up in a single-family home. And my mom, she has a certain confidence about her, and I saw the way she moved through life, knowing that she wants a certain thing and she will get it. So I came into that energy. But in getting there, she grew up in a different time and different... A different feeling of how you should get there and how you should move through life. And so that spilled over into our relationship. And so I endured some physical abuse through that and her dealing with her own emotions and expressing herself. And I'm not saying that I was a little miss nun growing up as a child. I had my own thoughts. I'm very strong-willed. And of course, that's a challenge if you have a child that requires certain depth of conversation and that's not always the case. Possible if your programming of your family structure is obey your parents. Ask nothing, just obey, go away. So my mom, I had, you know, growing up, there were good times and there were bad times. My mom, she had a sense of adventure. So I traveled early and went to different countries and grateful for that. My father, we were, I would say, closer until I had my repressed memories come back. So I love music, love playing piano. I took classical piano, all these things. My parents did the best that they could with what they have. especially when it came to education and my love of the arts and curiosity of the world, which is wonderful. But they were challenged. They grew up in a certain structure and had certain things happen with their lives. And if you don't have the tools, and you are your tool, we are number one resource. We're not willing to do that work. It spills over and it becomes your inheritance. It becomes what you give your child. And so I endured physical abuse by my mom, sexual abuse by my father. Slowly over time, I remembered all that sexual abuse were on my father, and I worked through it over a period of years. It's proper work, but I just knew. I just knew all along since I was a child, climbing my grandmother's guinea tree. It's almost like a green sour fruit. I would look at all the islands that I can see close to the island that I was from, Nevis, Montstrat, Stacia. I thought, I would go there. I want to go there. So inside of me, when I come back to your first question, was an intuitive healing guide. I'm always, we are all intuitive. We all have a deep knowing. We don't really always listen to it or we second guess it. A feeling that doesn't need a how, show me the map, doesn't need a master scientist to tell you that it's right. We have a feeling that's guiding us forward. And even as a child, I knew so many things that have materialized in my life. So that's what I trust a lot. I trust myself to trust myself.

SPEAKER_00 11:59

I wonder whether this is something that some individuals have a knack for, or have the ability to sort of be very much in tune with that, or maybe just have this ability to sort of recognize that this is a guide. This is my guidebook, my own personal guidebook. And some maybe are just not as in tune with it. Like, I definitely want to get there in my own personal life. But at the same time, you know, one can say and repeat the words over and over again that I want to be in touch with my spiritual self there is a certain kind of valve that needs to open within for that to genuinely start happening for the little clockworks to start happening but for you it seemed to be like something that was loud for you it was loud and clear for you at a very young age and you had no other sort of way other than to just go for it

SPEAKER_01 12:52

I don't know if I even thought about it with that clarity Maybe it's because of, as I said before, we didn't have a lot of distraction. We were financially not wealthy at all. So my entertainment was my grandmother's rabbits and stuff like that. We had a television perhaps when I was in, we always had a television, but we didn't have what they call cable until I was in high school. We had a phone, a regular phone, a dial-up phone when maybe I was in, I don't know, maybe 11th grade or 9th grade. So I, my imagination and my family, I had a more free, I had an understanding of the freedom you can create in your mind, of the countries you could create in your mind. And so my imagination was always right. And so if I listened, had the practice of unknowingly listening to me, then maybe that helped to develop. But I really think we all have, I believe we all hold keys to our collective understanding of who we are and how we can all heal. You, for all have something that only you have something that only I have and collectively as we meet here in your podcast and we share with your guests they will maybe open up something inside of them that they weren't aware of so I don't think I'm necessarily blessed or unique or all this thing I just think I've had a loss of practice because I was an only child for a long time of tapping in and hey what do you want to do today when and literally observing myself and having that conversation with myself what do you want to do you want to play you want to write you want to to paint? What do you want? So if you're more conversant and intimate and willing to be vulnerable, then it matures and builds over time.

SPEAKER_00 14:34

Yeah. I love that. And I think I also like, I'm picking up on one more thing, which is, you know, that self-dialogue, the conversations that you were having with yourself. You know, I think the louder your environment is, the quieter the voice is within. But then, you know, the same goes the other way around. You know, when you're in a place of absolute silence, it can be a little intimidating at times, because you're like, Oh, no, I now have to listen to whatever thoughts are going are crossing through my mind. And, you know, sometimes it's too much for some people who've maybe gone through some extreme trauma. And we'll go back to your story again in a bit, because this is actually reminding me of that segment in your book where you talked about that. But it can be so difficult to sort of just be in that silence. Sometimes you want to play music, you want to play a movie, you want to have some kind of like sound around you. So as to block that, like that little voice, that little that's inside of you that may be painful at first, but is absolutely inevitable. I mean, and not only inevitable, but imperative. It's important for you to have that difficult conversation or to be reminded or re-triggered to an extent to be able to sort of like have that conversation with yourself. And maybe the first few times you'll have that conversation with yourself, it's going to be very emotionally driven. And you might go even in this even darker kind of like rabbit hole, But then the more you sit with it and the more you practice it, the more you're like, you come to terms with the painful side of it. And then you can progress in that kind of conversation. And I, again, this really ties back to your book because I remember that little segment, that section that you've written where you'd for the first time realized what had happened to you when you were a kid. This is something that you had absolutely no idea about. And it was just something that came to you. And you, at that moment, just knew it was real. This was legit. There was no one there to validate that idea, but you knew that was what it was. And then there was this whole chunk where you were like, I just did not know what to do with myself after that. I was just so lost and confused. Can you tell our listeners a little bit more about that?

SPEAKER_01 16:45

Sure. I'm happy to share. And I also want to touch on something else you mentioned. I believe in grace. I believe we each receive guidance differently Guidance to listen to ourself. The time when we should really listen to everything that we hear coming through. In my coaching, I coach women, helping them come home to peace with themselves in my practice. I believe that I have a method that I call sit, stay, listen, where you invite yourself to move at a pace that you, you can handle. There's no rush. There is no hurry because this is going to be tax season is coming up. I got to There's nothing like that. If listening to music or being in nature is your hand-holding, hug-soaked companion, invite that in. Because when you are alone by yourself and you feel alone inside, it's very overwhelming. So that's the first thing. We all receive guidance differently. And when divine timing decides it's your time to receive yourself It will come. But that's the point of healing. The point of healing is so that it feels like teachers of love. Even the tough, discomforting emotions that some of us have to walk out, they're not there to punish you. Pain or fear is not there to make you feel bad. It's the same work that joy does. It's a sacred message that's telling you, hey... Come on and love yourself. Come on and celebrate yourself. Come on and look a little closer and soothe yourself. So it's very important that we understand our rhythm. That's why for me, when I coach women in my private one-on-one sessions, it's really about you, not about some method and one, two, three, four, five, get over it. It's about how do you move energy? Because everything is energy. Fear is energy. Joy is energy. Glee is energy. Silence, all that is energy. So I let that start out. And for me, Divine timing when I was at a physically safe place I was living in New York at the time away from my family physically the divine dealing with burnout from my corporate job I was working corporate then working and home physically home physically in a safe beautiful little I call it a two by four tiny apartment it was so small it happened where I got the divine message and this it was overwhelming let's not diminish that but I had done some work and so it came through and over time I understood that there was more work to do and over time I said listen you can go and try another attempt at suicide or you can really understand that you have a responsibility you have to carry this somehow to walk through this pain because you have work to do some of us are more courageous than others some of us are more willing or some of us want freedom so much more immediately so much more intensely that we're willing some of us when the time and the divine message comes we're willing to move some of us we said you know what i gotta ease into this some of my clients they ease into it whatever pace works for you because ultimately we want to be supported and to feel supported by ourselves not like punishment so that's I did and we all have our own way it's about what resonates and listen to our feelings and knowing it's just sacred messages sacred messages that require us to say you know what love is on the other side freedom is on the other side and it's okay to try something new okay to want to change but you've got to want to change it's got to want the change not need want yeah needing is we need food we need water Wanting is I want more than I need. I want to go higher. I want to grow. I want to flourish and be and design my life.

SPEAKER_00 21:03

So can you tell me like what was, well, let's start off with like what was the little signs that got you to realize what had happened to you when you were young?

SPEAKER_01 21:13

There was no one sign. I think coming back to what we started out talking about, I wasn't working 16 hours. I was absolutely burned out from a busy season. You know, you just work, work, work, work. I remember we used to take car services back. I lived in Queens, back to Queens, have the guy wait, take a shower, go back. This was really brutal, but everybody else was doing it. So you think it's normal, but I took some time off and then I was just with myself. Nobody else, just me in my apartment. And I remember looking at Oprah's show because I was flipping the channels and Oprah came on and she was interviewing a trauma survivor. And I heard maybe the first couple of sentences that woman said then my repressed memory came back in bits but in the clarity that I knew that it was real and it was absolutely shocking and it took me about a full 24 hours lying on the carpet and almost feeling immobile just processing being with myself and that's hard I could have I don't think I would have had I don't know how I would have gotten off the carpet I even said this in my book I just want to go up get up off the carpet I really just want to pee but I cannot move my body I cannot because it's that sometimes that big that numbing

SPEAKER_00 23:12

like soul shattering yeah

SPEAKER_01 23:13

exactly that earthquake that just rumbles you on the floor but even then after a while when you just let you again sit stay and listen as I teach my clients I felt that I had work to do and that I did not know how I did not know how I was going to get on the other side but I know I was supposed to get on the other side and it happened a couple years later when I fully got through it and even now I say It's not about healing as a destination. I'm going to do this work and a year after we had all the thing and I'm good. No, no, no. You're living, you're breathing, you're healing because you're always dealing with life. And then maybe you have different desires that require you to step up and challenge yourself, learn different skills. You see someone in traffic being unkind. Life, you're breathing. We're all healing. Yeah. So I didn't let the moment paralyze me and absolutely decide my destination forevermore being depressed because I suffered from depression for many years, I always felt deeply I can get through somehow. There's another way because I was not made for this.

SPEAKER_00 24:18

Forever pain. I also found it really interesting in your book because the whole complexity of your relationship between you and your parents, the way that you described your mom was tough, strict. You even mentioned over here there was a bit of physical abuse. It was a very complicated relationship between you and your mom. And at that point, your dad was your hero. You just looked at him in this, he was my savior and you had such love for him. And when that moment occurred, which was you in your apartment by yourself watching this Oprah scene and this all sort of like unraveling, your mom was one of the person that you kind of started to bond with a little bit more is when she came around to visit you and you told her about what had happened and like you know her discomfort around the situation but her being there and her presence that being sort of like the pivoting point for your relationship with your mom and how that sort of like your relationship with your father sort of started to crumble around at that point too how you know that just just the condition yeah exactly just the complexity of like of a relationship that you can have that in that very moment you must have even or how you didn't for example stop and question yourself in that moment and be like no but this guy is my hero no I like I love this guy he's my savior he's always been there for me and right now this unraveling is so much stronger that like it's yeah like you listen to that sort of like intuition inside of you despite all of your experiences you know what I mean yeah

SPEAKER_01 26:04

yes you know why so I love the way you just phrase that and your willingness to go there in the moment and coming back to source and i started out you asked me who i am i told you i'm spirit in that moment because of my experience with my mother my history with her and abuse history with my father and abuse i felt i had to take care of little wen inside of me so i am going to be her mother even though my mother is physically there there's something inside of me that says right now find the courage from somebody some ancestor from years and years and years, some source of life, find the courage to stand up for yourself and your little one inside of you. Because somewhere along the line, both these people, even though my mother's there and we're building a bond, both these people have shown you that they really don't have the full capacity. So somehow I have to ask for guidance from somewhere else. Maybe I don't say it out loud, but my spirit is yearning, craving it, wanting it. So the guidance was source of life Allah, Buddha, whoever we believe source of life is the universe. Courage, courage. Maybe I wasn't saying it out loud, but I was so rooted in knowing that wrong is wrong. You are not my hero. Love doesn't feel like this. Love doesn't do that. What is that? So this source of life, that's why I say, and I do this work again and again and again. When you get so deeply rooted in knowing that you are made for love, clarity, joy, opportunity, prosperity. And you firmly believe that and you embody that. You have to believe it. You really have to believe it. So even in light of all this chaos around me, I believed that I was meant for more. So my father was not my hero anymore. He was, at that time, my anger was very ripe, shall we say. It's completely gone. I've forgiven the man. But at that time, I understood that I had to be my own parent, my protector. Did you ever confront

SPEAKER_00 28:08

your dad?

SPEAKER_01 28:09

Of course I did. I said in the book, in a letter, a letter I wrote to him, I gave it to my mother, very clear, very plain English. I told him all the things that I remembered. I remembered the details. I shared some of the details with him. I said, he's no longer my father. You're to stay out of my life. Very clear. Because there is such a gall that comes through when you accept that you are made for joy and freedom. You begin to masterfully listen in and understand that you can do this. So step by step, you're say things that you would have never dared to have said. You allow yourself to feel a taste of freedom by being yourself. And in that moment, I felt like I was myself. I said all the things and I gave my mom the letter. She gave it to him and our relationship was what it was pretty much. We never had a relationship after that, but this is what it is. We have to protect ourselves in ways that feel like love. And it's okay to divorce yourself from the habits that we have used as a protection mechanism. Whatever it is, if You sedate yourself with alcohol when you're feeling sad. Somebody listening here. You go and change the pills or you change to whatever vices and the easy. Mine was for a long time, Haagen-Dazs ice cream. Ice cream. Ice cream. Haagen-Dazs strawberry ice cream. That was my friend and my pastor, my pope for a long time. But after a while you realize, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. I deserve more. This is not a long-term solution. Guide me. Asking for help. Show me the way. Show me how, how, how, how. And sometimes I didn't, most times I didn't know how I was just moving with the rhythm of knowing that I'm made for more. And I want my more.

SPEAKER_00 29:50

Yeah, I like that. Can you talk to me a little bit about like, this may or may not be 100% relevant, but I'm trying to make some connections here because Buddhism talks a lot about this. In Buddhism, they talk a lot about, you know, sort of being in touch with yourself. And one method they also talk about a lot is to observe, observe your emotions, observe the things. And this is one of the things that the Buddha did as well. Everything on the outside world that triggered any kind of emotion, be it joy, jealousy, anger, greed, anything, he started to take note of it, write it down. Okay, noted, noted. This is how this makes me feel. And this was more just sort of like a process of like getting to know himself better. Who am I? What are the things that trigger me? And eventually you got to that point of actually removing those kinds of external triggers. So it's a very minimalistic kind of religion. Do you think that minimizing is also a way to sort of clear space for your mind? I

SPEAKER_01 31:35

love this question. I don't know if I'd say minimizing. For me, I had the opposite experience, perhaps, to be frank with you. There was so much living inside of me that was I didn't need to open my eyes to be triggered. I had a lot of nightmares, smelling stuff, so many visions behind the eyes. I was seeing and living every day. So I'm not necessarily minimizing. For me, I understand the Buddha. I really read the religion. I don't ascribe to any particular religion, but I respect it. I respect it because, again, guidance. Our divine guidance and our interpretation window and gateway is lives within us so for me because everything was already in here and then when I interact with the outer life it became louder I had to really understand why am I running in my sleep when I'm not even sleeping and I'm really just here sitting and eating but I'm feeling like I'm running in my sleep I'm not I'm sitting here literally if I'm talking to you what are you trying to tell me I have to figure out how I can receive this as a message there's something I need to work through I'm not going to minimize it i'm going to see it perhaps like the buddha observing it see and understand there's something that i'm running away from that i cannot escape because i live with me and the feelings that i am experienced are within me so they can't be bad because the feelings that that lead me to the piano and write songs and sing they live within me so i have to make peace with this so somehow i and that's where the intuition came through saying this is just a message let's not necessarily minimize but let's just see it as a message it's just a message helping me to get where I go like I like to soak my feet in magnesium flakes different times because that helps I have some challenging feet and sometimes the water is too hot and I'm like oh it's too hot my emotions help me feel that my feelings that's not bad that's just information right so I had to recognize that there's something inside of you that wants you to get through this thing yeah and so when you get through this thing the thing on the outside seeing the building at that time my dad and I we went to the world Trade Center when they were there. We went to that restaurant at the top of World Trade Center. So when I go down in the city and I see that shadow of the building that used to be, it would not trigger me so much because on the inside, I'm no longer running. I've calmed and gotten soft and quiet in here. So outside is not so loud. Outside is just a little place for me to maybe play and flourish. So it's whatever. Come back again. It's whatever works and feels like nourishing love. for the other person. We have to really tap in to become aware of what our cadence is, what our rhythm is, how we move.

SPEAKER_00 34:24

How can a person, though, that may be experiencing depression right now as they're listening to this episode or experiencing a form of anxiety that's pretty riddling in their own lives, destructive in their own lives, and they're in a very, very dark place in their mind, how can they... what are the steps they can take to turning that narrative from being emotionally heavy to sort of helping themselves heal through it?

SPEAKER_01 34:56

This reminds me of two of my clients, one of them in particular. Her body would literally shake, shake, shake, shake to the point she has to take time off from work, have to sit, have to stop driving. It's real anxiety and depression, however it manifests in our body is real and it's telling us against signals. And I hesitate to give some remedy and step-by-step formula because we're all so different the one thing that I with integrity and deep soaked love would say is ask for guidance ask for help it's okay to ask somebody whom you trust perhaps you reach to a therapist a coach whomever your source of life I do not know how to get through this divine source of life show me the way guide me asking for help opens yourself up to receiving an important Let me go online and find this person. I heard this person say something in the church. Or just go on the 800 number. Just asking for help, as simple as it is, opens up the door so you allow yourself, you give yourself consent to receive the help. That sounds really simple, but that first step takes so much courage, takes so much awareness. So that's why I'm very cautious and not say, you do this thing and do this thing, because everybody's different. For my client, I can tell you with her, we were for over a year in helping her, because she was dealing with other steps of trauma inside of all of this that were triggering, and her anxiety was inherited. It was part of her father's side. Everybody, they grew up in a certain way. And you have to work with a pace that works for you. So sometimes we think slowing down on the outside helps us, but honestly, like I said before, if you're running relay races inside yourself while you're slowing on the outside, it may be helping, but it's not the true solution that works for you, for you so we did a lot of meditation helped her a lot over time we did a lot of unconscious rewiring of the thoughts that she had of why coming all the way to the roots of where that adopted or inherited pattern of anxiety where she grew up in a home with many many people and she never had space for herself so everything was a time sensitive time to use the bathroom time to eat it's always a rush so that manifested in the way she moved through life meaning her nervous system always had to be on peak always going full force and she never had a chance to stay still so that her her home was anxiety because that's the way she was operating as a child and through most of her life but everybody's different and we have to be really really willing to look within our own unconscious things that we do because most of the time we do things in autopilot we don't even think about it we just do it and when we stop like you're coming back to Buddha some stuff that I was saying sit, stand, listen, say, wait a minute, wait a minute. When did I start to feel this way? When's the first time? And who else I've seen do this? Am I shadowing a pattern that I've seen in my family? Is that what I got that? Or is it me? And what thought was I having at the time? Was it tax season? Was I menstruating? Was the kid, my son, daughter having? You come all the way and you look like, I say, as if you were observing a child, you as a child, you seeing yourself in a museum, whatever. And you say, oh, yeah, that's where that is and then you get willing to say that's not really what I'm meant to do that's just a situation that's something I can clear out and recognize it's just a pattern that has been doing all I've been doing all along so it feels familiar it feels proper it feels like that's the only way it can be but I can actually change that and how do I change that and then we work through that and it takes some time because we all everything is energy every thought has energy every feeling emotion has energy yeah every belief that we have with this religion off to that it takes work it takes guts it takes consistent devotion yeah and also yeah on the other side i tell you the liberation on the other side everything else in your life whether it's your love life your business life it just moves with such an ease it should feel easeful it should feel oh yeah this is great let me just do that and if it doesn't happen the way you expect it oh no big deal Yeah,

SPEAKER_00 39:17

for sure. You

SPEAKER_01 39:18

know, but it takes time to get to that place. And many people, just to share here, we all live in this insta world. I say to my clients, how long have you been the way you've been? 10 years? Nothing is insta. It can be, we talk about quantum leaping, you can quantum healing, you can do certain things, but it has to be integrous to you, your life, your rhythm, because your pace matters, emotionally, energetically, physically, It matters. It matters. It sees you with a dignity to knowing that all that you say you want matter because it matters to you.

SPEAKER_00 39:56

And I think this is also like an area where a lot of people get confused because, you know, they feel they matter less if they matter less to others without recognizing that other people are going to matter the most to themselves as well, right? So, you know, you find yourself in a room full of And you are like the fly in the wall, right? Very, very quiet, not going unnoticed. You start to sort of like internalize that and really genuinely think that, that my opinions don't matter. People don't listen to me. I'm not important. You try to make yourself smaller and smaller when realizing actually that that world is an external world. You're going to come back to your own world. So yes, going back to what you said, your opinion matters. It matters to you. And it doesn't have to matter to other people or not. It doesn't matter if it matters to other people or not. The most important thing is it matters to you and that you deserve to acknowledge your own opinions or your own thought process. Whether other people agree or acknowledge it or not is secondary sort of thing. But of course, it's a difficult sort of place to sort of to be, especially when from a very young age, we are taught that, you know, giving the correct answer in the exam paper is going to to make us get that mark. And so when we are hardwired to think that way, every thought that we have, every feeling that we experience, we are always trying to justify it. Like, is that a valid point? Go into Google, let me research about this, let me find out. And then it sort of gets packed on with more and more facts and research. But then your own voice gets kind of drowned out in that process. So again, it's like circling back to like, you know, the conversation that we were having earlier, too. But no, I find this really, really important. And, and Yeah, absolutely. changing that energetic field and I guess it's just important to remember that it's a lifelong journey you know and you may you may be you may inherit the genes of a depressed individual and you might find yourself going through those waves at several points in your life but again I guess it just comes back to that sort of reeling it back into you right

SPEAKER_01 43:14

because we've not taught we have We have not taught to put effort inward. We are not. Mm-hmm. all the programming on doing all the low level feelings and emotions that have been you've been living in as parasites if you want to call them that inside of you and yes you're going to be in a room as we all have especially women with just a whole bunch of men and on the outside where society has told you men make money more money than you if this happens that happens and racism and oppression and sexism and all of that is real and so if that's where your focus is primarily, then that's all you think about. And what you think about is what you get in life. But if somehow you are curious and you say, wait, there's something other than what I'm seeing that I am feeling. That's happened on the outside because a lot of us start out thinking our external reality creates our internal reality when it's really the opposite. How you feel inside manifests and reflects in a mirror that's called your life. You finally realize there's something inside of me that's that's causing this. These feelings live within me. That guy who is in the conference room and schmoozing it up and getting all the promotions, that's his business, whatever he's doing. There's something about me and he. Somehow get close to and recognize it as power. That's electric. That's electric. But we're not taught that. We are not taught of our inner power that really is at the helm of our lives. I wasn't taught that. But I saw it along the way. When you get a feeling of something. That is how I call it the JEPs, the joy propelling system. Listen, it's trying to guide you somewhere. And if you don't know how to listen, to stay and to move around your thoughts so that you can get the energy and the feeling in your body that propels the action that you do, that's what I say. Ask for help. Ask for guidance. It doesn't necessarily mean you're going to Google somebody and find a coach. It should just be as divine guidance. I'm doing it right now. I'm not sure how I'm doing this. I don't know how. I don't know where. I don't know how to do this thing, but I feel a certain way. Guide me. Show me the way. Show me the way. I'm here to listen. I'm available. Something as simple as that, it opens up your consciousness to receive. And slowly you will get the courage message to say, hey, you know what? Go check this thing out. And then that'll lead to the other thing. And then that'll lead to the momentum, the momentum that opens the gate to our freedom. But again, we are not taught to put effort on our inside. We are taught to compare look at that person, this person, hurry up and get the thing that shows the world that you're valid. I say, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're already valid. There's no exam here. We were born into this world equally worthy. Regardless of your culture, your sexual orientation, you're worthy.

SPEAKER_00 47:02

Yeah. Amen. But that's why you

SPEAKER_01 47:04

have to seed it within. It takes courage. I say it all the time. It takes guts. You've got to have a machete in the right and a machete in the left, believing and carving out all those subconscious things and really believing, believing that you're meant for love. We're meant for love.

SPEAKER_00 47:21

I like that.

SPEAKER_01 47:21

Do you have... a spirit guide? Say no. Like an

SPEAKER_00 47:26

angel? I

SPEAKER_01 47:28

think we all have. I don't even think of it in terms of that. I think I just move with a knowing. I don't have a spirit guide. I don't necessarily think of it that way. But I know that we are all connected to source, whatever source means, source of life, source of whatever, the universe. So if you do the work in believing and ripening that belief, expanding that belief in yourself as being directly connected to love purity all goodness and you really hold that position then you are so receptive and open to whatever life is going to draw you towards you believe it and you trust it and you feel safe trusting it but it's a thing where our logical mind may keep whispering I call it the whisper warrior whispering oh no no no go and make sure you follow the formula that whatever say or go read that scripture that says I'd never do that. I always rebel against stuff like that because we have to sense beyond the senses that we have. Allow ourselves to develop beyond the senses we have. Sense beyond your eyes. I close my eyes a lot. Sense beyond your ears, your touch. Sense beyond that and that's where you plug into the source knowing that, what? I am made for love? And you invite love. You become that. You let your mind wander and wander. What would love feel like? Because a lot of us think you're parents are supposed to love you your lover is supposed to love you and they're responsible for loving you and that's how you feel love no you are already love but if you're not tapping into it you don't believe it so no i don't think i have spirit guides i just know that the source of all life flows through me and you and everybody else and we were made for joy and love and prosperity so my job every day and my clients i help them as well in their their world and their life is challenging you're not always going to feel loved up and happy and joyful but when you instill the practice of just taking a moment every day to appreciate the little things. I wrote in my journal this morning, ah, this day is full with life and breath is coming through my body. Let me stop for a moment. Let me stop for a moment and be grateful. There's no spirit guide there. That's just me knowing that I am the source of all things and the source of all things. It's connected to you whom I'm meeting in a couple minutes and it's going to be glorious. It's awareness. It's my intention to always come home to joy. My intention to come home to peace and freedom yeah freedom so I don't have a spirit guide I have an intuitive

SPEAKER_00 50:00

I

SPEAKER_01 50:00

like

SPEAKER_00 50:00

that I think like

SPEAKER_01 50:01

plugged in

SPEAKER_00 50:02

what I'm hearing is that yeah I like other people's posts and someone else is trying to write a positive happy post about themselves and then you get like more haters than you actually get support and it's a sad world outside sometimes and so yeah the fact that you know and again technology works exactly social media our phones work exactly in the same way that energy works in that every time I think of something, or I speak it, or I search it on Google, social media will start giving me those posts in the same way we talk about this energy, you put a thought out there, energies, things will start to conspire around you to give that back to you, you think negative, negative will come back to you. And social media works the same way. Phones work exactly the same way. There have been days where, you know, I'd be like, Oh, like, I wonder what you know, I really want to go to go on a holiday to Thailand and the next thing you know I'm just like spammed with little ads about Thailand you know it just like it just appears and that's that's exactly the way you know it's like mimicking the whole like the whole universe really in a sense that's

SPEAKER_01 51:09

you that's me calling it in

SPEAKER_00 51:12

yeah

SPEAKER_01 51:12

connected whether we we all matter right we all matter m-a-t-t-e-r we're all absolutely connected to the source of earth life of all And I always say to everyone, and it takes time to realize this, whatever somebody says, and it's a discipline, it's a skill, we cannot, I have a post about this, we cannot hitchhike our joy on somebody else's behavior or evaluation of us. That's not our business. That has nothing to do with me. If Jane, Paula, and Mary thinks my hair, my post, that's their business. My business, your business. is to take care of ourselves, to choose us. And when you get or whomever gets the negative feedback, that resides with that person. And if I, you, do not onboard it into my soul, it's not mine. If I, you, it doesn't resonate, doesn't connect with me, I recognize that that's their business. I'm over here minding my business, taking care of my energy and not giving them my energy and my time, then it's neutral. That's them. It's very difficult to do this and that's why we all have to observe i come back we come back to sit stay listen if you know that you're working through your own healing again healing is lifelong perpetual loving that's the equation for me equivalent then you know well social media right now of cleaning your energy so you will just maybe not be on social media take a break and take care of your inner life your outer life the amount of posts and likes and comments that are that's nothing to do with you what has to do with you is what we're doing inside here that's bringing what we're getting on the outside and if Charmaine thinks what she says that lives with her she's got to carry that energy not you but it's work it's proper work knowing that what do I control what am I in charge of in here inside of us and it's a discipline that a lot of people we do not we're not taught that we're taught to feel valid and love and validation by posting all the oh you haven't liked my post nobody's liked my post that's not where we spend most of our time if you really, really, really look at your life. I look at my life. We spend most of our time, energy inside ourselves or thoughts or feelings or emotions and how you feel, how you feel are just indicating to you about the decisions you're making silently, unconsciously and explicitly. So whether it's not you say out loud in your mind or you write it down. Let me go check out Thailand. You don't have to say it. The thought is already being made in the back of your mind. Unconsciously, for example, if you prefer mangoes, you're going to go to the supermarket and bam, your hand is on a mango. You didn't even think about it, but let me get a mango. You know what I'm saying? So there's so much happening in our unconscious mind that we're not aware of. And the more intimately we get to know ourselves, the more we are aware of, ah, wait, wait, wait, wait. A thought has come through. Is this real? Is this real? Or is Charmaine just being Charmaine? I can clean this up. That's Charmaine's business. I'm going to focus on me. And when When you choose yourself, when I choose myself, guess who benefits? The world. The world benefits because you, just from moving through the world, knowing that you are changing the world by just being yourself, by just being your clean energy every day, cleaning it up and working on your subconscious, you're changing. It sounds bombastic for two others listening on this, but just moving through the world, knowing that that small shift that you're make is changing generations of other people because they're being aware and energies are connected and souls are all connected and it ripples you understand so that's why if Charmaine's leaving a post a comment that's not loving Charmaine is Charmaine no

SPEAKER_00 55:09

I love that for you when in your own personal journey of like of healing I know you did a lot of like asking the source asking this higher power to sort of like help you and guide you also you said another very cathartic experience was you know writing that letter for your dad because it was just really releasing everything um can you tell our listeners what were some of the other sort of things that you took in that journey of healing

SPEAKER_01 55:34

i didn't know that this was part of it yeah well huge the first part of it was my connection to music i write music i sing i play piano not very well but i play piano so i realized that the way music comes to me and songs come to me completely formed or orchestrations done. There's something that I am connected to, some source. I don't know the source. I don't have a Mozart and Beethoven in my head, but there's some source that's depositing all this music and my voice sound. That's not me. So there's something else that's helping me on the path to healing, on the path to clarity of who I am. So there's something pure that has nothing to do with my parents, maybe nothing to do my lineage. I'm already architected for some type of joy Because when I sang, I used to be in talent competitions, traveling around the Caribbean. It would affect people. So this is some kind of dialogue that's not from when. I'm not sitting with my sheet music. It's already there. So then that was the first thing that said, ah, there's something about me that it's love. I'm no longer shame. There's something about me that's good. There's something about me that other people can relate and associate. Wow. That was the first thing. since I was a child my first song was called Johnny I must have been eight I wrote it for my brother so I already had that other knowing and then as I walked through it and I learned myself I realized that New York City was too loud too many triggers as well as my insight I moved away from New York I went to a quieter state being in nature and all that stuff was loving and calming and so then that flourished the music more that flourished the poetry and my love for writing that and that felt more calming and more settled and then I had a job I said This job is too loud. I got closer and closer to what felt like love on my terms. Not getting the money so you can buy the house and get the condo. No, no, no. I got closer to my soul. That's what I kept moving to. So by listening in. And then along the way, one day I remember sitting looking at the bay. I always gravitate to the energy of water naturally. Nobody told me that. I was sitting at the bay and I said to myself in a addition to the other awakenings that I've had always around water, I said, what would it feel like? to feel like peace. I actually asked that. To me, I wasn't thinking, let me ask the source of life. Source of life, knock, knock, I'm dialing your number. I just asked it and my goodness gracious, it was delivered. What was I doing? In that moment, I did not know necessarily I was meditating, but actually that's what I was doing because I experienced now what I experienced then when I'm now more intentional about meditating. I meditate every day. Back then, I didn't know I about meditation but you just sit and you just be and you just you just become nothing and no one and nowhere and that's what i experienced so it again comes back to what resonates with all of us i remember that i was journaling as a child so that also helps because i was an only child so that my journal i call it my friend so again along the way of becoming ourselves life causes us to do certain things or to or life brings certain interactions and people into our lives i call it our clarity bridge that helps us to be more of who we are so yes if you work with a boss that's not that great or you had a partner a parent that's not that you to desire more if you say you want more and so you will use that person as a teacher of love use that experience as a teacher of love so that you go oh journal music i'm talking about myself now meditation getting psychologists that didn't work let me try something else that didn't work and eventually I said, wait, wait, wait. I am the resource, the resource, the source that's already connected. And if I'm willing and I'm gutsy and I want to do the work and I ask for help whenever I don't, I'm not resourced and have the courage to be vulnerable, there's joy on the other side. There is joy on the other side. I am not meant to be, and I knew this as a child, I am not meant to be like my mother ever. I'm not meant to be like my friend. I'm meant to be me. whatever that is. I'm still deciding, designing. So whatever works for each of us, we have to respect and honor the dignity that we map out and we remap again and again, again and again. We remap ourselves to our joy, whatever that is, however that looks.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:15

Do you think that if you hadn't gone through or experienced this trauma and very, very dark moments that you would have still reached where you are now in your journey of intuitive healing, intuitive understanding I

SPEAKER_01 1:00:32

don't know, but I'm feeling the answer is yes. This is what I believe. I believe our meant to be, M-E-A-N-T, is our meant to be. It's already coded in our unconscious, conscious DNA. So that's why I respect desires a lot. Some people use that word in different connotative ways. But I believe whatever you desire, deeply desire, not a yearning like I want to go eat ice desire but a desire that feels authentic to you so if you like to do your nails you do your hair because that seeds your dignity so you can come on the podcast and share the message all that matters if your deep desire is to be a coach or to open your own business or help impoverished kids or help well-off kids whatever that matters because you you're born that way a mango is not made to be a honeybee a honeybee is not made to be a mango two different makeup so I know I was architected to do and to be and to have the unmitigated goal to shake things up because joy gets me there somehow and if you're deeply seated in a religion in a culture in a governmental structure in a society in a home system that is contradicting what your source of life soul meant to be is that will prevail because that is poor Pulling you to be a mango, pulling you to be a honeybee, that energy and that knowing that you cannot erase, you cannot undo, and you cannot unheal your meant to be. It's not possible. So a lot of us don't let ourselves hear that meant to be. We don't believe it has power, and we talk ourselves out of being ourselves. But when we fall back into the trust feel that is us and understand what you're desiring, what keeps coming up and up again, that's who you are meant to be. Don't fight it. Use that as fuel. That gets you closer and more elegantly and authentically and integrous to where you're supposed to be. But it takes courage. It takes courage.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:50

Oh, I love it. This is so inspirational. I feel like there's so many things that you've said along the ways throughout this entire episode that people can take away. I'm not going to ask you if you can give us one message because I think this was filled with wonderful messages. But do tell our listeners a little bit about your book and how they can access it.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:13

Sure. My book, Intuitive, I'm sorry, I'm always coming back to the word intuitive. It's called Inner Child Healing is the name of my book. Inner Child Healing, it's a part memoir and part self-reflective guide with tons of exercises in each chapter to get you, dear listeners, readers, to get you in on the act of doing your work, of your practices, of building intimacy and love with yourself. The book is available in Barnes and Nobles everywhere, globally, internationally. It's available in hard copy, e-book, and audio book. I hope it helps you and I've heard from so many souls that it is helping them. And I also offer private one-on-one coaching. with mostly women, helping women come home to peace and freedom of living life on our own terms. I have online courses on my rebelforaspell.com website, meditations, you name the thing, because we all deserve this nourishment. Oh, I believe firmly that each and every one of you, dear listeners, inside of you is the reservoir that I need, that you need that the world needs. But if we don't realize that we are electric, we are power, we are life, then we don't allow ourselves to move through life in that way. And it's okay if we have moments of second guessing and debating and doubting yourself. That's normal. Bring all your humanness. That's normal. Bring all your humanness and know that on the other side, if you first say, I'm going to sign up for me. I'm going to sign up to love me all the way. The guidance will come. You will find your way forward. But my loves, if I may offer one last thing, if you are beating up yourself, punishing yourself for the things that you did not know you needed to know or you wanted to know, that's so unloving. It's so harmful because you're layering yourself with another curtain, another cake of fear. No, no, no, no, Just know that it's a part of being human. And the next thing will come. You're never done living. There's never a right way to be. Never, ever, ever. And that's wonderful. That's where your humanness is coming. You're on a perpetual journey of love. So you never get it right. Never get it right.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:50

Love it.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:51

So if you're interested in my love, you can reach out to me here on Instagram, wherever you find me, rebelforspell.com. It would be an honor to serve you in whatever capacity. You deserve to be feeling loved up.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:05

I really, really, really appreciate this. I'll definitely put it into the description. But thank you so much for this wonderful episode. If you enjoyed the episode and would like to help support the show, please follow and subscribe. You can rate and review your feedback on any of our platforms listed in the description. I'd like to recognize our guests who are vulnerable and open to share their life experiences with us. Thank you for showing us we're human. Also, a thank you to our team who worked so hard behind the scenes to make it happen.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:35

The

SPEAKER_00 1:06:38

show would be nothing without you. I'm Jenica, host and writer of the show, and you're listening to Multispective.