The Three Virgins and Me (and more)

Eye-Opening Moments are real-life stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. In this episode you will hear about The Three Virgins and Me  and Shopping with and Without Santa.

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Chapters

• 0:21 Introduction
• 1:02 The Three Virgins and Me
• 6:24 Shopping with and Without Santa
• 13:27 Key Takeaways

Transcript

Hello and welcome to episode #139 of Eye-Opening Moments where you’ll hear stories of adversity, encounters, and perspectives intertwined. They are moments that can lift your spirits, give you some food for thought, or move you. For the introspective mind that likes to reflect, discover, and find solutions or meaning in a complex life, this is for you. I’m your host Emily Kay Tan. In this episode, you will hear about The Three Virgins and Me and Shopping with and Without Santa.

The Three Virgins and Me
Chatting up a storm with a gal pal about ex-boyfriends, my friend Paisley said, “Wait, you had three boyfriends who were virgins before they met you? How did you do that?” I had no answer; I couldn’t find an answer, and the question stirred in me as I pondered the answer. I could only reflect and guess we had commonalities, but it wasn’t virginity.

I met Curtis while on a study tour in a foreign country. Though the trip was six weeks long, I hardly had any conversation with Curtis. I only knew of him because my new friend Alicia was swooning over him. He was clean-cut and wore designer clothes, which showed he was from a wealthy family. Other than that, I hardly knew anything about him. Alicia followed him wherever he was in our tour group. Since Katie and I befriended Alicia, we followed along with her. Curtis was with two friends, so three girls and three gals hung around each other. However, my connection with Curtis only began after the trip when we exchanged contact information. Though we exchanged contact information, I did not think we would keep in contact.

Curtis wrote letters to me while we were still in college for the last three years. I did not think much of it, as the communication was occasional. Those were the days before the internet and social media. I lived in the USA, and he lived in Canada. I never thought we would meet up again after our trip to another country far away from us, but we did.

Four years after we met, Curtis moved to my country and city for graduate school. It was unexpected and unbelievable. I began to think maybe he liked me or was it a coincidence? Upon arrival, he called me, and we went out to dinner. It was the first time we were alone together, and the first time we had a lengthy conversation. It was our first date after four years. Maybe he was shy; perhaps the distance between us took a while before we were in the same city and country. 

Another year would pass before Curtis plopped a French kiss on me. It was then that I realized he was a virgin. It had taken so long before we got together, and when we did, I could feel how awkward he felt. Maybe he was attracted to me because I was not an aggressive girl like Alicia. I never asked and never found the answer. But after a total of five years from when we met, I learned that we were attracted to each other, and the chemistry did come to a bubbling point.

After Curtis moved back to Canada because his father passed away, I met Teo. My friend Selina, who met him at her church, brought us together. He was quick to call me for our first date. Soon, he wanted to stay over, and I was not ready. The next thing I knew, he brought me to his new house and put his keys on the table for me to take. He said I could take it and use it any time I wanted. I was not ready for that. Teo wouldn’t bring me home because he wanted me to stay over at his place. I told him I was not that kind of girl. He said he was not a playboy and had never slept with anyone. By his own admission, I learned he was a virgin. I still refused to move forward with him that night. Maybe he was really into me, but I was not madly in love with him, so the time was not right for me. Perhaps my shyness or cautiousness attracted him. “So that is how you landed a second virgin,” said my friend Paisley.

A couple of years later, I met Anson. Anson was a blind date that Selina arranged. Selina liked setting me up on dates because she didn’t see my boyfriend as husband material and wanted to marry me off. I agreed and decided to go on the blind date. After a number of dates, Anson shared that he never had a serious girlfriend or kissed a girl. I was in disbelief because he was over thirty years old. Further, he seemed to know how to kiss and more; his actions did not reveal that he was a virgin.

Two virgins voluntarily admitted it; I wouldn’t have known if they hadn’t told me. One virgin I knew from his actions and the way he kissed. How did I happen to “land” three virgins in my life? I don’t know. I can only say they were attracted to me and thought I might be a virgin, too, but I wasn’t. Maybe they thought a shy and quiet girl was more likely to be a virgin. They were all wrong about me. Never judge a person by their exterior, I say. You can’t simply look at a person and know whether they are a virgin. Whether one is one or not doesn’t matter either; what matters is your feelings for a person.

Shopping With and Without Santa
Santa granted wishes to kids, and I wished Santa would give me something. But I never sat on Santa’s lap to tell him what I wanted. I didn’t know what I wanted and never needed to think about it because I wouldn’t get to sit on Santa’s lap. Then I went shopping at Costco for the first time when I was thirty. It was like shopping with Santa Claus because I knew what it was like shopping without Santa Claus.

As a kid, I hated to ask for anything. Since I was five, I wanted to show I was independent and didn’t need anybody because Mom gave me away to Grandma. Grandma bought me a dress every year for my birthday. Auntie Cassie bought me clothes whenever we went shopping on Saturdays. I didn’t have money, so I was used to not spending.

As an adult, I started a career and could buy some things, but I was careful with my spending since I knew what it was like to have no money. One day, Mom was in town, and she usually flew in without notice and would quickly leave. It was a rare occasion when she took me shopping, but she did. Grandma must have told her to bring me shopping since I had just gotten my first apartment after college. Mom never came to town to see me and never thought about what I might need. She was usually busy shopping for herself.

Mom took me to a general store near my home; we walked from my apartment to get there in fifteen minutes. She quickly walked down the aisles in her noisy high heels like she was on a frantic search and had no time to waste. “Here, get this; you need this.” That was what she said each time she grabbed something, and then I would hold it in my hands. She didn’t ask me if I liked it or wanted it. I was silent. She didn’t make conversation with me either. She was on a mission to finish the task as soon as possible. She handed me kitchen towels, a spatula, a potato peeler, a butcher knife, and a colander to put everything in. She didn’t know if I needed it or had it but decided she knew. I didn’t say anything; I didn’t want to disturb or interrupt her hurriedly doing her task. I was happy Mom took the time to be with me and that she would buy me a few things.

Soon, we were at the check-out counter, and she told me to pay for it myself. I was shocked. I was left with the most sour feeling. Obediently, I paid for the items she picked out and said nothing. I was responsible for me anyway, and she could care less about me. I could have gone to the general store and bought what I wanted by myself. I didn’t need her to pick out things for me. Why did I expect her to purchase the items she picked out? Growing up with Grandma, I rarely saw her, but I thought that was what a mom would do: Buy her kids things. But my mom was different. She bought her other five kids things, but she didn’t buy things for me. I suppose she considered me no longer her responsibility when she disposed of me to Grandma at five. 

Fast forward nine years after that incident, when I was engaged to be married. My dear grandma, who raised me since I was five, told Mom to help me with wedding preparations. So, Mom called and briefly said, “I will help you with the flowers for the wedding, so you don’t need to take care of that.” Soon, Mom flew into town. She brought me to the florist. I observed her pick out the flowers for the wedding. It took her less than half an hour. She was quick to do it and appeared to have better things to do. The florist informed us when it would be ready and to return for the pickup and to make the payment.

A week later, Mom called for me to go pick up the flowers. That meant I would also need to pay for it. I reacted with fury. My head was burning hot. All the resentment came out of me, and my inner voice screamed angrily. Mom didn’t pay to raise me, and she didn’t pay for my college education. But she did so for her other five kids. Enough was enough; I was silent long enough and had endured the unfairness long enough.

I was nearly in tears because of how heartless Mom was to never care about me, so I called Grandma. “Grandma, Mom just called to tell me to go pick up the flowers and pay for them. Didn’t you say she would take care of the flowers and pay for them?”  “Yes,” Grandma replied. Grandma called Mom, and Mom went to pay for the flowers. It was the first time I stood up and demanded that my parents pay for something in my life.

At thirty, my parents finally paid for something for me since I was five, but I had to force my hand. I was angry, vengeful, and sad. Grandma always told me to be nice to Mom, and I always mumbled under my voice: I never told Mom to bring me into her life and treat me like trash. I never asked her to give birth to me and have me endure her heartlessness.

Married at thirty, Santa Claus came to town. My husband and I went to Costco. They sold things in bulk; I never needed them as a single lady. Now I had a husband who could eat for two and me. Off we started going to Costco. We got one of the big shopping carts and rolled it down the aisles leisurely. Hubby said I could get anything I wanted. Though it was now our combined income, I still felt like Santa was granting me all my wishes when Hubby said, “Get whatever you want.”

I stopped wishing for Mom’s love and care. Hubby may be my Santa to me, but I decided to be my own Santa, too. I have the power to grant myself wishes. My parents were not responsible for me; I was responsible for myself at age five. I let go of vengeance and anger, and freedom stepped forward to allow me the joy of being my own Santa.

Key Takeaways: Though I met three virgins when I was not, any chance to connect contributes to a meaningful life. 

Though shopping with Mom was unenjoyable, shopping with my husband was like Santa granting me wishes, and having the ability to shop for myself was the greatest satisfaction.

 Next week, you will hear about two real-life stories called Under Surveillance and How to Deal with Impromptu Talks. If you enjoyed this episode of Eye-Opening Moments, please feel free to share it with others, support the show by clicking on the link in the description, or go to www.inspiremereads.com and leave a message. Thank you for listening!