EP6: Covid, Kids, and The Playground

Interview with Tino Ricci / Husband to an ER Nurse, Home Depot Associate, Lead Dad

HOSTED BY PAUL SULLIVAN

When the pandemic began, Tino Ricci’s wife was an emergency room nurse outside of Ft. Worth, Texas. She was seeing first-hand how devastating the virus could be – and worried about bringing it home to her family. Tino stepped up, shifted his schedule, and took the lead on parenting and virtual-schooling. It was a role he embraced. After being a professional golfer for a decade, Tino began working at the Home Depot so he could be the Lead Dad to their children and support his wife’s dream of being a nurse. The pandemic got him thinking: Why is this such a hard role for men to take on? Hear more.

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Transcript

00;00;05;20 - 00;00;27;10
Paul Sullivan
I'm Paul Sullivan, your host on the Company of Dads podcast, where we explore the sweet, sublime, strange and silly aspects of being a dad and a world where men often feel they have to hide, or at least not talk about their parenting role. I know this from firsthand experience as a lead dad to my three girls, three dogs, three cats, and, somewhat remarkably, three fish who are still alive.

00;00;27;12 - 00;00;46;00
Paul Sullivan
I did this all while managing my career and striving to be an above average husband. One thing I know for sure about being the dad is it's not a normal. You're not doing with. Dads have traditionally done going to work and leaving the parenting mom or someone else. Nor are you always welcome into the world where moms are the primary caregivers.

00;00;46;06 - 00;01;10;07
Paul Sullivan
But here at the Company of Dads, our goal is to shake all that off and focus on what really matters family, friendship, finance, and fun. Today my guest is Tino Ricci. I met Tino nearly 49 years ago in a drafty church in western Massachusetts, where we were both dressed in flowy silk robes and about to get doused with water.

00;01;10;09 - 00;01;31;05
Paul Sullivan
We managed to avoid each other for a few years after that, but by age ten we were hanging out at camp and playing golf. We went to high school together, visited each other in college, slept on each other's couches after school, helped each other move stuff into and around our first homes, went to each other's weddings, and were then there when our first children arrived.

00;01;31;07 - 00;01;42;27
Paul Sullivan
After all that, the rat bastard moved to outside of Fort Worth, Texas a few years ago and left me in the New York City area. Welcome Tino to the Company of Dads podcast.

00;01;42;29 - 00;01;44;04
Tino Ricci 
Hey, Paul.

00;01;44;07 - 00;01;46;07
Paul Sullivan
Did I leave anything out in the intro?

00;01;46;10 - 00;01;59;24
Tino Ricci 
I think you got it all. I mean, it covered it all. We've known each other for far too long, and if any, if either one of us ever decides to run for any kind of office, we're definitely going to have to grease the other one, because we know where all the bodies are buried.

00;01;59;26 - 00;02;23;07
Paul Sullivan
That's for a different podcast. You know, we're going to talk about dads and dating and kids. You've been a dad longer than me. You're oldest is 15. My oldest is 12. What's it? What's it been like when you think about, you know, you're living in western Massachusetts. When when Christian was born. Now you're outside of, you know, Fort Worth.

00;02;23;07 - 00;02;29;10
Paul Sullivan
When you think of, you know, that kind of dad role. How's it evolved for you over, over the 15 years?

00;02;29;12 - 00;02;51;11
Tino Ricci 
It's actually been a pretty dramatic evolution. You know, when my son was born, you know, I was in a pretty demanding job. I was scheduled for 55 hours a week with an hour commute. So, you know, that puts me into 65 hours. Gone from home a week range. Plus something pops up. You end up staying late.

00;02;51;11 - 00;03;09;03
Tino Ricci 
Whatever. Yeah, I was gone on average, somewhere between 70 and 75 hours a week when my son was first born. There were multiple days where, you know, I would go without having ever laid eyes on him other than when he was asleep, because I would leave when he was asleep and I would come home when he was asleep.

00;03;09;05 - 00;03;39;14
Tino Ricci 
And it was, it was it was hard. You know, it took a toll on me just because I felt like I was missing everything. So the wife and I, we kind of got together and, decided that something needed to change. And so I kind of took a step back from what I was doing. Workwise. And we kind of her and I kind of sort of ham and eggs our schedules where, you know, as a kid, she grew up, all she ever wanted to do was be a nurse.

00;03;39;14 - 00;03;56;01
Tino Ricci 
So when she had that opportunity that came up for her to be a nurse, I was like, go, that's your dream. Have at it. My dream certainly was not to, you know, be retail for the rest of my life. So I'm willing to compromise what I'm doing because it's not what I had dreamed of doing. She dreamed of being a nurse.

00;03;56;01 - 00;04;10;05
Tino Ricci 
Go at it. And, you know, I was fortunate enough that the company I worked for at the time was willing to work with me to schedule around her schedule so I could be there when she wasn't and she could be there when I wasn't. And it worked out all right.

00;04;10;08 - 00;04;25;06
Paul Sullivan
But if I remember correctly, sort of early days, you know, tiff was was in nursing school, right. And so then you were she was wanting even more. She was a full time student. You were were you know, it's okay to say, well, you work, you know, it's a great company. You work for the Home Depot, you know, you work from a long time.

00;04;25;06 - 00;04;48;10
Paul Sullivan
They've always been good to you. But you really had to balance then because, you know, your son was little, very little at the time. You know, we all know in America that there isn't, you know, cheap, you know, affordable, daycare for everyone who has a real sort of balance, you know, so to talk about how, you know, in those early days, you know, I was you have a daughter with two kids.

00;04;48;16 - 00;05;00;22
Paul Sullivan
But the early days, it is you and Tiff and your son how you had to, you know, Ham and egg it so, you know, you could work because you need, I mean, need to work. But she could be a student. How did that work?

00;05;00;25 - 00;05;33;14
Tino Ricci 
Honestly, a lot of it was relying heavily on family members to say, hey, we've got this day here where we just can't make it work for whatever reason. You know, her class schedule, my work schedule. We just. We can't make it work. We've got a block of four hours that we just can't be there. You know, and, you know, at the time, her mother, my mother in law, was a tremendous help in that aspect where, you know, she would take person for 4 or 5 hours or six, seven hours, however long that needed to be.

00;05;33;17 - 00;05;40;24
Tino Ricci 
And so that that was the big thing was just, like I said, relying heavily on family members to kind of fill the void.

00;05;40;27 - 00;05;47;20
Paul Sullivan
Yeah. And then once she finished, when she finished nursing school, how old was your son at that point?

00;05;47;23 - 00;06;06;21
Tino Ricci 
He was maybe 1 or 2. Probably one, because, you know, she was she was pregnant in nursing school. Oh, no, actually, he would have been a little bit older. He would have been closer to four, because once she graduated from nursing school, then we ended up having Olivia.

00;06;06;23 - 00;06;27;25
Paul Sullivan
Right? I asked that because I'm thinking, you know, as as I know as anybody who sort of has a nurse in his or her life knows is like when you get your first job as a nurse, they give you the the most awful shifts you could possibly imagine. You don't sort of walk in and be like, hey, you just graduated from nursing school.

00;06;27;28 - 00;06;50;12
Tino Ricci 
Yeah, well, actually, her first job was at a nursing home, right. So she was she was working. She was working basically Monday through Friday, like 7 to 4. Yeah. And when she got that first job, I was able to again, I can't say enough good things about the folks at at depot. I mean, they've treated me better than I could have ever asked for.

00;06;50;14 - 00;07;10;18
Tino Ricci 
So she gets this first job out of nursing school 7 to 4, and I'm like, okay, that's going to be tough with my schedule. So I went to my store manager and I said, hey, this is what's the what's what's going on? And I was able to maneuver my schedule where she would work 7 to 4, and I would work from, 6:00 at night.

00;07;10;25 - 00;07;28;08
Tino Ricci 
I'd go in right after dinner till three in the morning. And then at three in the morning, I would come home, try and sleep for a couple hours, and then get up with everybody because Christian had to go to school, she had to go to work. And inevitably, Olivia would wake up. And then it was, you know, hey, it's dad time.

00;07;28;11 - 00;07;52;22
Tino Ricci 
You know, feed her, play with her, keep her interested, you know, and just hope that at some point she was going to be ready for naptime because daddy needed nap time and that we did that for a little over a year. And, I don't remember much from those days. Sleep deprivation was, something that, you know, washed away a lot of the memories.

00;07;52;22 - 00;07;54;01
Tino Ricci 
But.

00;07;54;04 - 00;08;04;08
Paul Sullivan
You know, you've heard me say this before. I always say, like, you know, when you become a dad, when you become a parent, you have to adopt the motto that sleep is for sissies. It's just, you just see it's all over.

00;08;04;11 - 00;08;20;10
Tino Ricci 
Yeah. No. Yeah. You know, it it there's, I think it was from, Roadhouse when Sam says, you know, I get all the sleep I need when I'm dead, you know? And that's that's just how it is. Once you become a parent, it's like sleep is the whole. That's about as low on the option list as there can be.

00;08;20;15 - 00;08;23;09
Tino Ricci 
It's like, oh, all right, we'll deal with that.

00;08;23;12 - 00;08;50;23
Paul Sullivan
You know, when you were you know, we grew up, you and I grew up together, Massachusetts. And so when the kids were first born, you were living there. And, you know, we would see each other, you know, you know, when we saw each other and, you know, all the other knuckleheads we went to high school with, you know, we get together, because I fear I'm starting this question off this way because I found, like, one of the more difficult parts about being a dad is to find, you know, frat is to find other guys who are in a similar situation to you.

00;08;50;23 - 00;09;06;29
Paul Sullivan
So, you know, when you're in western Massachusetts, you just had, you know, I was a dad, but still sort of undercover. But, you know, you had all the rest of us from high school and we'd pop in. And the people you grew up with, what's it been like since the move to to Burleson, you know, outside of Fort with what's it been like there.

00;09;06;29 - 00;09;17;21
Paul Sullivan
You know I joke, you know, the loneliest person on the playground is is the dad in the playground at arms. So what's what's that move been like. You know coming from Massachusetts and going to Texas is,

00;09;17;27 - 00;09;39;23
Tino Ricci 
You've hit it right on the head. I mean, you know, loneliest person on the playground. You know, a prime example. So I'm off today, obviously doing this with you, but if I wasn't doing this with you, I would be in my house by myself doing some laundry. You know, maybe, depending on the weather, sometime in the next hour or so, I might sneak off and play 18 holes of golf by myself.

00;09;39;23 - 00;10;01;23
Tino Ricci 
Because I don't know anybody else in this situation. You know, most of the friend friends that I've met, you know, fathers of friends of my children, they're they're 9 to 5 years, you know, or what used to be considered nine hours, but they work Monday through Friday. They have their weekends. I don't have that, I have Monday.

00;10;01;23 - 00;10;28;17
Tino Ricci 
Tuesday is my weekend. So, you know, and like you said to is, you know, you go to these, these functions as the, as the dad with your children and there may be 1 or 2 other dads in the entire room of whatever the function may be. It's all moms. Because as you and Professor Shockley were talking about this in the last podcast, there's still that sort of design that moms do.

00;10;28;17 - 00;10;49;27
Tino Ricci 
All of this stuff, you know, dad goes to work and does that, and mom takes care of the kids. And that's just how it's going to be, because that's the way it's always been. But for you and I, it's a little different because we go to work and we take care of the kids or, you know, for my for my point, for a long time I was and, you know, I told everybody this, I was a part time employee, full time dad.

00;10;49;29 - 00;11;08;20
Tino Ricci 
You know, I was Mr. Mom, and I was okay with that. I loved it. You know, a lot of that comes from, you know, growing up, my father was work, work work work work work work and I'll get to the family when I get to the family. You know, he wasn't at all my baseball games as a kid.

00;11;08;20 - 00;11;27;23
Tino Ricci 
And it wasn't that any games as a kid, because he was always work. So, you know, early on when I became a dad, I said, you know, that's not going to be me. I'm going to be involved in as much as I possibly could be involved. And that early experience with my son, with not being able to be involved in stuff, just it really got to me.

00;11;27;23 - 00;11;52;15
Tino Ricci 
It hit home. It just it hurt me that I couldn't be there. So I changed it and I was happy to change it because honestly, it's I get more out of seeing them doing their stuff, whatever it may be. Than, you know, putting my nose to the grindstone for 80 hours because like I said, you know, my dream was not to become, you know, the greatest scoring associate in the history of Home Depot.

00;11;52;18 - 00;12;08;17
Tino Ricci 
Hey, I like what I do. I love my job most days. Some days aren't so great, but that's true for any job, right? But, you know, my kids and my family are definitely where my priorities lie. And, you know, if, if, if it came to one or the other, kids and family are going to win out over time.

00;12;08;17 - 00;12;15;21
Tino Ricci 
And I don't think I, I don't think I've ever tried to hide that from anybody, including Home Depot made it pretty clear that, you know, family comes first for me.

00;12;15;24 - 00;12;31;18
Paul Sullivan
Yeah. I mean, you and I, we grew up, you know, always cracking jokes. And I often wonder if that's kind of an armor that lets us be, you know, the dads, because, I mean, quite frankly, we don't give a shit. Like, if we went into a room and it's all moms and nobody's talking to us, well, we're there for our kids.

00;12;31;18 - 00;12;51;18
Paul Sullivan
And if somebody talks to us, great. But I, I, I don't know if every dad is like that. I mean, when you think of the times that you've been able to to break through, in that group and just be a parent, not be, you know, a dad amongst moms. And to be just be a parent and to be there for good reason.

00;12;51;18 - 00;13;10;13
Paul Sullivan
Like, you want to make a play date for your son, you want to make a play date for your daughter. You want it. You know, your daughter's a big softball player now. You got to be able to coordinate the different what's been the key for you to, you know, have those, you know, breakthrough moment where, you know, the moms just accept you as a, as a, as another parent just like their.

00;13;10;16 - 00;13;29;02
Tino Ricci 
I think it just comes from the fact that being there over and over again, the moms start to recognize that, okay, he's he's taking the role. He's taking the lead on this. You know, he's the one that we're going to deal with because he's the one setting up the playdates. He's the one going to the open house. It's he's the one, you know, whatever.

00;13;29;04 - 00;13;47;27
Tino Ricci 
You know, and I think that's where it kind of, you know, it really is more of acceptance from the other side where, you know, the moms just kind of go, oh, okay. That's why he's on the playground, you know, not like, you know, oh, what's this guy doing over there on the playground? You know, it's they finally realize that this is what I do.

00;13;47;29 - 00;14;07;06
Tino Ricci 
You know, I'm I'm taking my kids around and we're going to the playground and we're making play dates, and. But, you know, I'm the guy. And for the most part, there's been honestly, there's been many, of my kids, friends, moms that have just you know, they text me, you know, when, hey, is Olivia free to sleep? Sleepover this weekend?

00;14;07;09 - 00;14;09;29
Tino Ricci 
Yeah, absolutely. What? I'm going to drop her off.

00;14;10;02 - 00;14;27;06
Paul Sullivan
Yeah, that. That's what I know. Like, I that's success to me when they text me because as you know, you know my wife, I mean, she just doesn't have a flexible schedule. She she's working a lot. And you know, I have this running joke with a dentist who I'll make the appointment and then the dentist will call her to confirm it.

00;14;27;06 - 00;14;49;19
Paul Sullivan
And of course, she, you know, she's on another call. She doesn't know. And then we don't show up for the appointment. They're like, that's $75. I'm not paying you $75. I didn't miss the appointment. You are the wrong person. I mean, it's like this, this ongoing, you know, frustration. Any hacks to to to be first on the list for the, the school to call you or the doctor's office to call you and and not tiff.

00;14;49;21 - 00;14;51;00
Paul Sullivan
Any luck?

00;14;51;02 - 00;15;12;20
Tino Ricci 
No. Because honestly, with the way things are set up for us now, it's really become much more balanced than it has been in the past. It's really become more of a co-parenting. So and I actually prefer her to be the one to make the appointments and kind of coordinate all that stuff, whether she's going to be able to take them or not.

00;15;12;23 - 00;15;29;19
Tino Ricci 
She's much more organized than I am. So and then she will then forward me the, the pertinent information. Because you know me, if you give me too much, I'm going to get lost. You know, I just where are we going? When are we going to start? That's what I need to know. I don't need to know all the other stuff.

00;15;29;19 - 00;15;33;03
Tino Ricci 
Just dump where I need to be. Who need? Who do I need to take? What time do I have to meet it?

00;15;33;06 - 00;15;49;01
Paul Sullivan
Yeah, that's a great way to put it. Exactly. And I talk about the comfort of dad in that, you know, being a dad doesn't mean that you're doing 100% of the parenting. I can't, not at all if you can't. But it means that you're taking on a bigger role than dads have traditionally taken on. You talk about your dad.

00;15;49;02 - 00;16;08;24
Paul Sullivan
You know, my dad, and it just wasn't like on their radar to be home and to do these things. But I sometimes find, like, you know, when I'll explain, you know, since starting the company of explained to, you know, one of my golf buddies what I'm doing and some of them get it intuitive, like, oh, that sounds a good idea.

00;16;08;24 - 00;16;25;04
Paul Sullivan
That sounds fun. I could see where, you know, dads would need a community, and others look at me like I just bought, an elephant and painted it purple and have parked it, in my driveway, like. And why exactly? What do you want, a purple? All of it is like, I don't want to blow that. I want to start a community for dads.

00;16;25;07 - 00;16;37;20
Paul Sullivan
What do you think about, you know, you talked about some of the dads of your kids friends who are more of the, you know, classic 9 to 5, or did they have any sense of you taken more of this lead.

00;16;37;23 - 00;16;38;24
Tino Ricci 
Parent role, or is.

00;16;38;24 - 00;16;45;06
Paul Sullivan
That something you just kind of, like I did for years, just kind of like, you know, kept kept quiet.

00;16;45;09 - 00;17;09;14
Tino Ricci 
I, you know, I don't think I ever I don't think the subject ever really came up, you know what I mean? It's not like, you know. Oh, hey, by the way, I do this, that, you know, it's just this is so-and-so's dad, and, you know, and quite honestly, we're in kind of a unique situation where on my son's side, his he's got really three besties that he does everything with.

00;17;09;17 - 00;17;41;26
Tino Ricci 
Two of them have parents that are separated. So then it kind of becomes a okay, who's got so-and-so this weekend because I need to communicate with them in order to hook everybody up to have a sleepover or, you know, go to the arcade or whatever it may be. So in that sense, I don't think it ever really came up because the, the dads are, by virtue of the fact that they're on their own, are essentially lead dads when they have a child with them.

00;17;41;29 - 00;18;12;05
Tino Ricci 
The other the other folks, you know, there's there's certainly some ball breaking that goes on with, you know, some of the dads because, oh, Mr. Mom, like, you know, like I'm sitting around the table playing coupon poker with the girl Tuesday afternoon, you know, drinking red wine and. Yeah. So there's there's certainly there's that because again, there's that that stereotype that goes with it that this all this stuff that, that we do is mom stuff, you know, that that goes back to, you know, the earlier sort of everybody's locked into their role.

00;18;12;05 - 00;18;32;08
Tino Ricci 
And this is we do moms stuff. No I do parent stuff. You know, I do what needs to be done to get whatever we have to do. You know, the kids need to go to the doctor. They need to go to the dentist. Well, that's my role because we make appointments on a day that I'm off and I take them to the dentist, and then we go to school and then that's it.

00;18;32;10 - 00;18;34;28
Tino Ricci 
But it's not mom stuff. It's parents stuff.

00;18;35;00 - 00;18;55;12
Paul Sullivan
That's exactly it. You know, this is what I'm hoping to do is that what we do is, is is normal. It's not like anybody needs a metal or, an award. It's just, you know, look, tip schedule is I mean, your schedule is pretty fixed now, but, I mean, you know, you work at a hospital. You mean your wife is working in an emergency room through Covid?

00;18;55;14 - 00;19;23;07
Paul Sullivan
Which is stressful as hell. And, you know, you're trying to maintain your job, but you got the kids at home as every kid in America was suddenly home, even though. Oh, wait, some parents have to work outside the house. What are we going to do here? I mean, that was a real, you know, awakening and a real balancing act, but also for like, I don't know, I have a, you know, sort of normalized, like, why couldn't you be the one, you know, in charge when your wife is literally at a hospital trying to keep people alive?

00;19;23;10 - 00;19;45;16
Tino Ricci 
Absolutely. Right. Exactly. Why couldn't I be like, why? Why can't you? And you know, the one thing I kept thinking to myself, especially like when I was watching your earlier pod, is, I'm confused as to why this is a thing. Like, why is it that more dads aren't jumping in and saying, I'm here? What do we need to do?

00;19;45;18 - 00;20;11;03
Tino Ricci 
Because to me, it just it it's just a natural thing. It just makes sense. It's it's what you do as a parent, right? You take care of your kids. And so I don't know, but yeah, I, you know, when that when the whole pandemic first hit Covid and everything started shutting down, we actually were in a unique situation because obviously she's an essential employee being an e r nurse.

00;20;11;05 - 00;20;28;28
Tino Ricci 
And somehow, for some reason, it was designated the Home Depot Associates were an essential employee. I mean, I got a letter from the governor of Texas to keep in my car in case it ever got to the point where they, like, shut everything down, that I was okay to be out and about because I was an essential employee.

00;20;29;01 - 00;20;33;17
Tino Ricci 
So that meant there was no you need to stay home now. I was still going to work every day.

00;20;33;19 - 00;20;35;16
Paul Sullivan
Right.

00;20;35;19 - 00;20;50;27
Tino Ricci 
But again, like I said, we we made it work. There was days where, you know, it was, you know, she was up. It was up and gone to work. You know, I got up, got the kids situated at the table, you know, live on one end, Christian on the other, and computers open. All right. You guys ready for school?

00;20;51;03 - 00;21;12;10
Tino Ricci 
We're ready for school. All right, I'm going to work if you need me. Anything goes wrong. You know I'm a text or a phone call away. You know, there's turkey in the fridge. Make yourself a sandwich at lunchtime, and I'll see you later. You know, unfortunately, they at that point, they were old enough where, you know, Christian being 13, 14.

00;21;12;13 - 00;21;33;02
Tino Ricci 
Olivia being a little bit younger, but, she's very mature for her age, you know, and they were able to kind of help each other and work it through that way. And, you know, it worked again. Company, Home Depot, you know, when this whole thing started, they said, you know what? We're giving everybody two weeks sick time.

00;21;33;04 - 00;21;51;19
Tino Ricci 
Just here's two weeks worth 80 hours worth of sick time. Use it however you need to just to get through this. And honestly, without that, I don't think we would have been able to make it through because I used a lot of that to say, hey, I need to take today off because we just can't make it work at home and somebody needs to be there.

00;21;51;22 - 00;22;10;20
Paul Sullivan
Yeah, that's been great, Tina. Thank you. As we can wrap it up here. But when you think about, you know, going forward, I mean, the pandemic has been a break. I mean, the break, not a break, is in relaxation, but a break is in, a schism between, you know, what the world was in 2019 and now we don't know what the world is going to be.

00;22;10;20 - 00;22;31;21
Paul Sullivan
But it's obviously different when you think about, you know, what you could say to, you know, the moms and dads out there, you know, in our role as, you know, elite dad and what we're trying to do and how this should just be considered a normal role. What are some of those things that you might say to those moms and dads who don't quite understand?

00;22;31;24 - 00;22;33;26
Paul Sullivan
You know what dad is?

00;22;33;29 - 00;22;53;12
Tino Ricci 
The first thing I would say to the lead dads is don't hide. You know, don't don't try and downplay it. And, you know, when you get with your buddies, all you need to be honest. Come on, say, yeah, I'm a dad or, you know, I missed you know I missed your mom. Break the ice with the joke. Because eventually that's what it's going to turn to.

00;22;53;12 - 00;23;15;10
Tino Ricci 
Everybody's going about your jobs and you just got to deal with it. But it's honestly, it's for me, it's the greatest thing I could have ever done in my life is be as involved as I possibly can be with my kids. Whether it's taking them to appointments, taking them to playdates, taking them to activities, so be out front, be open about it.

00;23;15;10 - 00;23;33;21
Tino Ricci 
Don't hide it. It's you should be proud of what you're doing because it's a great thing you're doing. You know, and as far as the moms go, we're not the creepy guy at the playground. We're there because we're with our kids. Come over and say hi. We're good people. Nice swear.

00;23;33;23 - 00;23;39;28
Paul Sullivan
This is fantastic. Tina. Richie, thank you for joining me on the Company of Dads podcast.

00;23;39;28 - 00;23;41;10
Tino Ricci 
Anytime, brother. Anything you need.