Ep. 17 | Adulting is Hard Enough, Making New Friends "Shouldn't" Be

Welcome back to The Prolific Hub Podcast (formerly known as 3tingz Podcast), where your favorite co-hosts & creators Aliya Cheyanne, Tasia Marie & Mikhaila Rae discuss ‘3tingz’ shaping the culture!

This week the ladies discuss the Recent News Roundup featuring Keke Palmer & some of the Love & Hip Hop Atlanta crew, followed by an honest discussion on bullying, mean girls, and "funny acting" Black girls, as well as a deep dive on the evolution of platonic friendship.

0:48 Intro & Thread of the Week
9:47 Reflection on Childhood Bullying
25:02 Exploring Friendship and Community Bonds
39:04 Navigating Friendships and Evaluating Relationships

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Theme Music:
She No Dull Beat by Nana Kwabena
Festivities in Belize by RAGE Productions

Transcript

Tasia Marie: 1:31

Welcome, welcome back.

Aliya Cheyanne: 1:37

Hey y'all, welcome back to Cheating's podcast.

Tasia Marie: 1:41

Welcome back, Episode seven Cheatings. I'm your girl, Tage Marie.

Mikhaila Rae: 1:49

I'm Mikaela Ray.

Aliya Cheyanne: 1:52

I'm Leah Cheyenne. Thank y'all for joining us. Shout out to everyone who is listening. We appreciate y'all's support. Please, please, please. It helps us in this world. If you're listening and tuning in, leave a review, rate us five stars. Let us know what you think and support our work. We always link our outside ventures in the show notes. So if you're interested in a journal, if you're interested in some artwork, help yourself and support us Definitely. All right, so why don't we jump into the news roundup?

Tasia Marie: 2:30

All right. So in recent news line up August 26, it was the start of a Virgo. Well, I don't know if it was the start of Virgo season, but we're officially in Virgo season. So Kiki and her man because, yes, y'all, they are still together. We had that confirmed yesterday on his live, but he was celebrating her birthday, so apparently they went out to a restaurant together and he always takes her out specifically for her birthday. They made that clear. But during the live it was funny because basically I guess he was talking shit about Virgos, which is nothing new because he was talking shit about what she was wearing and she was like go ahead and talk your shit about what you said about Virgos so they could eat your ass up. And I was cracking up in my head because I feel like since that situations happened, kiki's low-key been trolling him Like she recently had that single with Usher and the trailer that dropped. You know, in the trailer you see her and then you hear Usher saying oh, I heard your boyfriend was looking for me.

Tasia Marie: 3:43

That is so funny, right, it's just the hilarious situation. So like everybody's trying to figure out if they were still together or not, because it basically seemed like she was trolling him. She also posted a picture, you know, with her ass cheeks out. Oh, fun fact, she has his birthdays had it on the cusp of her booty cheeks. So they they're locked, locked in in that sense. But yes, y'all, they're still together. No, no more need to wonder. In Love and Hip Hop Atlanta news Not sure if you guys have heard yet but Eric Mena, bambi and Zell. Zell was actually from Love and Hip Hop Hollywood, but they were locked up this weekend, mugshots and everything. Fun fact, bambi's real name is like Adani Adana. It's a name that I just didn't expect and I'm trying to figure out where she got Bambi from.

Mikhaila Rae: 4:47

She probably got it from like a stripper, like I was watching an interview with like Don piece, and like she was trying to figure out her name and like her friend was like, because she was going to be, what was her name going to be? It was going to be something else. And then her friend was like, oh no, your name should be Dom piece or Dom or something like that. And that's how she ended up getting it.

Tasia Marie: 5:07

Like she just needed a name for the night.

Tasia Marie: 5:09

Wow, that's wild. That's wild. But they were in a club, allegedly and according to saucy Santana, who went on his live after it happened, because in the videos that they released you see saucy Santana like hauling ass out of the club. But he said like I don't associate with that, I don't like my name being attached to any of that, so that's why he exited stage left and Zell knows that as well. But according to saucy Santana, erica Mena was drunk, she was belligerent, she was being extra Security approached her Apparently. A security got a little bit too handsy with her, so Zell kind of hopped in and was like yo don't, don't touch her, like that she's a woman, and then a whole melee again. So, yes, all three of them have mugshots currently. Yeah, there's that on that. And for a third of the week, aliyah, you want to take that one away?

Aliya Cheyanne: 6:17

Yeah. So for anyone who knows Kara J or follows her on social media, you know she'd be posting some out of pocket shit all the time, telling some stuff from her real life that be happened in and so much more. So she actually posted this tweet back in July about a friend and her partner at the time. She and the dude are no longer together because of this situation, but the tweet says my nigga took me and my friends out to celebrate me starting tour. When I left town, one of them start hitting him up to link. When I addressed it she said we're not friends. You want to associate? He's my friend now and that concludes the chapter of my life. Being welcoming. Y'all are scary. So that led me down a rabbit hole to do some thinking around. What does friendship actually look like and what? What does it mean? Because some people really be thinking people are friends and they're not their friends because you're an associate is crazy to me. Going after my man is crazy to me. That is wild.

Tasia Marie: 7:27

She said you're an associate, though that's wild, but under her doing to me that's also wild yeah.

Mikhaila Rae: 7:35

Why would you want to be hanging out with me like that, in that capacity, if I'm just your associate?

Tasia Marie: 7:40

I'm just saying but then wait, is Kara J like an actual like? Is she an artist? I've not heard her.

Aliya Cheyanne: 7:48

She is a poet and an influencer.

Tasia Marie: 7:52

Oh, okay, okay, Okay, that's wild.

Aliya Cheyanne: 7:56

Yeah so.

Mikhaila Rae: 7:58

I was also going to say I feel like people whole friendship in different regards, like I have heard of people saying, like there are certain friendship groups that I've overheard being nosy, like they'll share partners, and I'm just like I would never like never in my life knowingly share partners.

Mikhaila Rae: 9:14

So I'm just, that's not. I'm not shaming anybody, but I'm just like what I'm also. What's mine is mine, what's yours is yours. I'm not looking at yours, don't look at mine. And I'm also a little bit like territorial, even when it comes to my friends, like that, like so, like if it's my friend, it's my friend. Go get your own friend.

Tasia Marie: 9:37

That's interesting Cause usually, like in most like friend circles, like especially with females, it's like if I've been with them, like it's just unspoken that you just shouldn't venture there.

Mikhaila Rae: 9:52

But for me also it's like if you find someone, if I'm your friend and you find somebody attractive, and even if I did find them attractive, I no longer find them attractive because you now find them attractive.

Tasia Marie: 10:05

Well, I'm still think they attractive, but I'm just not going like I'm like I did before.

Mikhaila Rae: 10:10

I will find your flaw.

Tasia Marie: 10:11

Unfortunately, like that's just, I mean, everyone has a flaw, even when you are attractive.

Mikhaila Rae: 10:15

No, I know, but like in my head, now that I know that my friend finds you attractive, I just okay. There's something about you now that it doesn't sit with my spirit, like I don't like you anymore. Like there's no, there's no shine, there's no like razzle dazzle to you anymore. Somebody else wants you to think ahead of you. Now You're for the streets.

Tasia Marie: 10:35

Yikes.

Mikhaila Rae: 10:36

That sounds like. I guess that sounds a little harsh, but like I just I don't know, I don't like what everybody else wants.

Tasia Marie: 10:44

That's real though.

Aliya Cheyanne: 10:46

Yeah, I think on that front that's just bad behavior but it got me also thinking about just some instances of.

Aliya Cheyanne: 10:53

I've seen around this whole narrative about like mean and funny acting black girls. So there's this page I like called the Ignite Intellectual and they basically started a whole brand off of that. Because on the one hand, you have girls who are actually like mean girls and trash, but then on the other hand, you have girls and women. They're not necessarily mean girls, they just act different, like maybe they're neurodivergent, maybe they're introverted, maybe they're just like not interested in what you had to say, but sometimes people don't know how to read that. So it's like well, that person is automatically mean, when actually the person might not be mean, they just might not be into you. And then I listened to this episode of Small Dosis by Amanda Seales, where she was actually talking about mean girls, like girls that go out of their way to be mean and hurtful and spiteful, like Ashley from Teen Mom.

Aliya Cheyanne: 11:56

And Amanda started listing some examples of what she went through and I mean, I feel like I've definitely been a mean girl as a mean girl in first grade.

Tasia Marie: 12:09

That's not really true, not first grade no.

Aliya Cheyanne: 12:15

I definitely believe someone in first grade. No, how did you bully them? Oh, I should be I. It's okay, you should be, I no. I mean well let me just be transparent. I went out of the way to ostracize the person because I was territorial about my friend group in first grade.

Tasia Marie: 12:42

And I didn't.

Aliya Cheyanne: 12:43

I didn't like this new person coming in and, if I'm going to be completely transparent, to like a huge part of that was like definitely jealousy too. She was then, and still is, a very pretty girl and it used to bother me that, like, all of my friends wanted to be friends and the boys I liked wanted to like her instead of me. So I definitely was a little bully back then and I never made it right in first grade. But, like many years later, I did seek her out and like apologize. I wasn't even like in New York anymore. I was like I think I was in Arkansas at the time. But I did seek her out and like apologize, to be like you know, I it still kind of eats me up that I, even though we were young, it eats me up that I did that and I'm, you know, I'm sorry and I thought we squashed it because she was like you know, that's real big of you. I appreciate it. I thought we squashed it.

Aliya Cheyanne: 13:38

We ended up in the same high school together. She did not, she hadn't squashed it. I. I scarred that girl. Oh shit, what happened? Because I mean nothing ever like horrible happened, but like we had a couple of classes together, we'd see each other in the hallway. A few of us ended up in that same school in high school when we were in the first grade and one of the girls who was in the friend group tried to mediate, like she was so excited to like be like. Oh, my God, you're, you're, like we're in the same school again. Guess who else goes here? Oh, gosh.

Aliya Cheyanne: 14:14

And we like both kind of like awkwardly laughed with each other. So she tried to like smooth things over and it was kind of like oh, aliyah, hmm, hmm.

Mikhaila Rae: 14:28

So now, you're in the girl in the in the.

Aliya Cheyanne: 14:31

I definitely, I definitely like yeah, she definitely didn't hadn't healed from that by high school, but it's not like anything. It wasn't any like bullying or anything. She just made it clear that she didn't forget the experience that she had.

Tasia Marie: 14:47

She was in the first grade.

Aliya Cheyanne: 14:49

Yeah, and I mean I get it, I would too. I think my. My karma for that, though, was, like I mentioned in a previous episode, I definitely bounced around school. So, by the time I had gotten to like middle school in Mount Vernon, there was a girl that I was friends with. Like we were fine, we lived on the same block, one house apart, and everything when I was in Mount Vernon. And then, one day, things changed because over something dumb, because I didn't want to let her cut me on the lunch line. So we actually like she.

Aliya Cheyanne: 15:26

Like she actually thought I don't know, she just thought she could stick. Like come cut me on the line just because we're friends. I was like no girl get behind me. Like I didn't play about food then, I didn't play around it now.

Mikhaila Rae: 15:39

I don't play about it now.

Aliya Cheyanne: 15:40

So I think it went from joking and playful to like a serious, like little altercation, like we had a very mini fight, like she tried to hit me, she ended up on the ground and she hated me since then.

Tasia Marie: 15:55

Like to the point where that anger be real.

Aliya Cheyanne: 15:58

She wasn't like, it wasn't just me. She's bullying a lot of people, but like that. That changed completely Ever since that moment. It was just like, oh, I'm going to harass her every day. Like there was one day I was walking home from school and she and her brother were not far behind me going home too, cause we lived on the same block, and it was just like yelling behind me, calling me all kinds of names. Her brother called me a bitch, all kinds of stuff. This is like fourth grade or fifth grade.

Tasia Marie: 16:25

Oh no.

Aliya Cheyanne: 16:26

Fifth grade. It's like what are those grades, Whatever middle school grade is? And I was just like, really. But so I feel like in that instance I kind of got my karma for being main in first grade. But also everything comes full circle because that girl was also bullying a lot of people too and to the point where, like everybody in the class snitched on her and she, like my, our, our little it was sixth grade our little sixth grade teacher went and pulled her from one class to come into our class so that she could scold her in front of everybody. She never bullied anybody again.

Mikhaila Rae: 17:02

Oh, probably correct, Humiliation is different.

Aliya Cheyanne: 17:06

Yeah.

Aliya Cheyanne: 17:07

So, yeah, I mean I say that to say that, like I definitely had an instance in my life where I went out of my way to be the mean girl. Now I don't go out of my way to be the mean girl. I'll fucking be mean if I have to, like if somebody needs to get checked or if I'm like standing up for someone else, or if I feel like people or situations are just stupid and I can't help it. But I don't go out of my way to like be mean on purpose because I just feel like that's just not good energy. But I think about that sometimes too and I'm like I'm not. I'm not proud of that. Like you know, even if I was a kid, I'm not proud of that. That's not the person I aspire to be. So I try my best not to do that, like in adulthood, obviously. But if a savage needs to come out, it'll come out, not a less provoked Right.

Tasia Marie: 18:07

I mean, we've all had our moments. I feel like when I was in the seventh grade I used to like joke a lot and like Joan on people and like looking back, joan and on people is kind of bullying, not kind of it is bullying, especially if the person who you're doing it to isn't laughing or if they're laughing like and one of my friends actually called me out on it Like she was like I don't want to be friends with someone who's always making fun of people and I was like damn, I don't want to be that person.

Tasia Marie: 18:39

Like I'm just making jokes, but like there's a fine line between like making jokes, because sometimes making jokes is like you're really talking shit about that person but you're just doing it in a funny way. So I mean it was that moment, but everyone's experienced it. I always say, like I could never be in school now, compared to me being in school back then, this generation is just different, Like it's just ruthless. Yo, yeah, it's different and it's not even like in person bullying, because like what you were talking about, you more so experienced it in person. Now it's like cyber.

Mikhaila Rae: 19:19

It's like you can't get away from it.

Tasia Marie: 19:20

Right, like it's just, it's crazy, man, it's crazy.

Aliya Cheyanne: 19:26

Yeah, well, shout out to that friend for holding you accountable. But also I feel you on the cyber bullying thing. But, like I said, like the main girl will come out, because there's some times we get like comments I don't like on on the podcast page and other stuff and I've been eating people up. I don't care. So I'm like I yes, I probably could not survive. I'm real, maybe honestly, because I mean I feel like sometimes bees be sleeping people, so maybe some people are not built for it. But I'm also just like I'm chewing people up when they comment some certain things on our page, like when we share your stuff. That's like pro pride or whatever, and people be like saying fuck shit. I'll be like I think.

Tasia Marie: 20:52

I'm. And have you know oh no, have you watched Episode four of the shy this recent episode?

Aliya Cheyanne: 21:02

I have not watched any episodes yet, so please don't tell me anything.

Tasia Marie: 21:06

Please, we watch it. But, like in reference to what you were saying, like when we speak about, like pro pride, things, like there is a moment in episode four where, like there's an interaction between the general public and, you know, the trans woman, ok, and my man stands up like the little boy with the locks I forgot his name but like Jacob, yes, he stands up for her. He was like, nah, we not tolerating that shit. So, ok, that's dope. When you do have to be aggressive, like not even be aggressive, but when you do have to stand up for what's right, yeah exactly Stand up.

Tasia Marie: 21:45

That's it. It's not even about being mean. It's really about advocating for.

Aliya Cheyanne: 21:49

I feel like it's wielding that power for good, not for bad. Like wield that power for good because Word yeah.

Mikhaila Rae: 21:58

I also feel like that has to do with the fact that like that's your family like even though they're not like family family, but like that's also not the first trans character that's been on the show, but that like is your family, so you're going to protect your family or somebody that's close to you.

Tasia Marie: 22:14

Well, you would say you protect your family, but some people, even though a trans, you have a trans member in the family, some people won't protect them the way that they should be protected. I agree with that, like the way he stood up for her, especially like as a teenager, because you know they're still like 16, 17. So like that was really conscious and admirable. And then I also remember, like Lena Waithe is definitely the writer and the creator, so she's going to make sure like those moments are seen.

Mikhaila Rae: 22:48

I was going to say well, this is. I was going to say, also, this is like real life, like somebody that I know personally like recently came out to their parents and like before their parents were like very homophobic and now, like she said that her mom doesn't necessarily, like she doesn't make the comments that she was to make, so like she's more conscious of what is said around her daughter and stuff like that.

Tasia Marie: 23:17

That's amazing.

Mikhaila Rae: 23:18

Yeah, but that's what I was saying to myself. It's probably because not probably, but like it has to do with the fact that it's somebody that's close to somebody that you love, like you make a conscious effort to like Protect them, or you should make a conscious effort to protect them.

Tasia Marie: 23:34

If you are empathetic.

Mikhaila Rae: 23:37

Yeah, yeah.

Tasia Marie: 23:39

Yeah, and just also it's empathy and also understanding the plight of everyone. Like we all face different journeys, we all face different struggles. Like so even though we all black and we all women, like if you are a part of the LGBTQ community, like you face a different journey or a different challenge and when I say woman, I mean trans woman as well, sis women and trans women. We all face different journeys, different challenges, so Just respect it. What someone eats doesn't make you shit. Don't yuck anyone's yum. Like. Just let people live, like we were talking about in the first few episodes. Stop policing people.

Mikhaila Rae: 24:20

This has nothing to do with anything, but I just thought about it. When you said don't yuck anybody's yum, I used to put like Cheetos and strawberry yogurt and people used to think it was so gross. That's nothing to do with what we're talking about, but it just popped into my head. So that is my yum. Do not yuck it. You got it Cause it tastes good. It might hurt your stomach afterwards, but that's what I was about to say it's just don't knock it till you try it, oh man, specifically strawberry yogurt.

Aliya Cheyanne: 24:58

I had a really disgusting favorite thing when we lived in Arkansas. I never told mommy about this. Mommy used to. Bobby would be like how are the waffles finishing so quickly? I used to be like but my favorite little after school snack is I would put peanut butter and doughy like on waffle instead of bread, but then on the side of it, which is not so bad. But on the side of it I used to love to have a pickle.

Mikhaila Rae: 25:34

I love a pickles. Oh my God.

Aliya Cheyanne: 25:39

This is why we are friends. Oh my God. So Pickle the olives, don't yuck my yum. That was my snack. I don't know that I could. I don't think I could eat that. Now I haven't tried, but I don't.

Aliya Cheyanne: 25:56

I think it was like the salty, sour and sweet Like I don't know what it was, but I like I used to crave that I would like, especially when mommy was like substitute eating or like teaching it or in classes, so she wasn't home. I would get home before Fuck it up, fuck it up, fuck it up. So I had to rush to go get the little Ego waffles and make my own. She was like I just bought waffles, like I, how are the waffles finished? She was like well, cause, I would have two waffles for breakfast along with other people and I'd come home that is hilarious.

Tasia Marie: 26:34

Yo, no, yum, yum, yum. Okay, that my, so mine is a little. Now that I think about it it sounds a little nasty, but it's good as fuck. So you know, like the Kraft Mac and cheese, I make the Kraft Mac and cheese and then I make a little bit. I would make tuna fish and then I put the tuna fish inside of the Kraft Mac and cheese.

Mikhaila Rae: 26:52

I feel like people do that.

Aliya Cheyanne: 26:53

Yeah, I don't feel like that's how to do it. More what?

Mikhaila Rae: 26:56

is it? Oh okay, tuna salad, yeah, or like tuna casserole Something like that.

Aliya Cheyanne: 27:01

Wow. Yeah, like I've seen that I've seen that like Mac and cheese and tuna.

Tasia Marie: 27:07

So that was like my little weird thing.

Aliya Cheyanne: 27:09

I think that's the most normal thing out of what we the examples we've given.

Tasia Marie: 27:15

But oh man hey.

Aliya Cheyanne: 27:19

Yeah. But circling back on the topic of friendship, finding things that you bond over so we just kind of want to do like a mini deep dive on like sisterhood and friendships. I don't know about y'all and y'all can share, like some examples you've seen, but I've seen a number of things about the evolution of friendship, specifically between women. I'm not even talking about every single person, but there's just a lot of women and, like this narrative now, a lot of women are decentering men from their lives, like they're learning how to just be and function and not do emotional labor for men, not rely on men for money, like all these different things. I've seen, you know, some examples of adult female friends, like buying homes together instead of like, oh, I'm going to wait till I get my husband or I'm going to do this by myself, like I'm going to do this with a friend.

Aliya Cheyanne: 28:17

So, I've seen that. That, I think, is really, really dope. There's also been and I think this is just more broadly for everybody, not just women, but there's also been a rise in like communal living. So there are some people who are buying up property and setting up spaces for just them and their family, or they're doing it with like friends, or they're doing it with like people who want to live a similar lifestyle and they're doing like more communal style living as opposed to just like struggling and suffering by themselves. They're like turning to their families and their community to do that.

Aliya Cheyanne: 28:55

Someone that I know from my previous job, a former coworker that I have like one of her goals and one of her dreams is to have a farm in upstate New York and for it to be like BIPOC so black and indigenous people of color, friendly and LGBTQ plus friendly and it'll be a community of people who just live up there on the farm. They tend to the farm collectively, they eat collectively, they take care of the property collectively and they allow it to be a space and a resource for people traveling from other parts of New York or elsewhere to also come and have a safe haven.

Tasia Marie: 29:35

Yo, I'm sorry to cut you off but you know I watch a lot of reality TV 90 day, fiance. Right, there's a girl now who has a girl in England and that's basically how she lives, like it's a farm. It's a community farm. They have free housing on the farm. They just have to work the farm certain times throughout the week and people who are visiting can come by. They have short term stays and the long term stays. It's pretty dope, like that would be amazing to do here.

Aliya Cheyanne: 30:09

Yeah.

Tasia Marie: 30:09

I hope your coworker gets it started.

Aliya Cheyanne: 30:12

I hope so.

Aliya Cheyanne: 30:12

I know, former coworker, I know they're working really hard toward it, yeah, and just a bunch of other examples.

Aliya Cheyanne: 30:20

So then of course, there are obviously still many women I don't know how many, but many women who still want the ideal, or not even ideal, but like more familiar, like some straight women who want like the traditional, like white picket fence, like four unit family with the mom, the husband, the two kids and the dog and whatever. There are people who want some version of that, like whatever the parents may, look, like, however many kids they want, they still want that. But there's also a lot of women who are part of this child free movement who don't want that. They just wanna live in like community with other people who also don't want that or be close to family or other friends. So I'm just seeing like all of these things happening at once and it's kind of opening my mind up to like the possibilities of like what platonic friendship can be, especially in a society that centers coupling and relationships so much to the point where people will be coupled and in relationships and they like lose sight of friendships.

Aliya Cheyanne: 31:35

And we see like a group of people who are like actually, no, my platonic friendship is gonna be the most important relationship in my life and this is how I'm nurturing it. So, just seeing all those trends, we wanted to talk a little bit more about just friendship, like what it means to us, what sisterhood means to us, what friendship means to us, what community means to us. And, yeah, obviously hear from y'all too, like what these things mean to y'all as well. So, any thoughts?

Mikhaila Rae: 32:04

I think the basis of a friendship should be like not saying that like you should be there for your friend, like what you wouldn't want for yourself, what you shouldn't do to them, and vice versa. I feel like you should handle your friends with care. I feel like your friends should handle you with care, and I also feel like a lot of the times, especially nowadays, I feel like people just don't do that. Like the way that I see certain female relationships, not to say that they're not strong ones, but like you end up hearing certain things like on the news where, like, people go on vacation and then all of a sudden you find out that your friend is actually jealous of you and then they keep like you end up dead.

Mikhaila Rae: 32:44

So I just I also feel like I hold friendship quite high in my hand and my heart, whatever adulthood of the thing is.

Tasia Marie: 32:55

I feel like, honestly I'm sorry, we use the word friend very like, like lightly. Yes, I feel like we should hold it's almost like you should hold the term friend on the level that you hold love, but we also use the term love so freely and willingly that it's also lost this meaning. So, like a lot of people that are around us, we may call them friend but in actuality, when we sit back and think about it, they're just acquaintances. Because when I'm in my deepest, darkest moment, can I really lean on you, can I really call on you and not feel judged, and feel like I can be my 100% authentic self. When I think through the list of people that I know, when I think through the list of people that I know I literally can count out on a hand, like who I can call, like or who I would call if I were to be in crisis and who I would lean on and like who I know would be there for me, and some of those people.

Tasia Marie: 34:04

We don't speak on a consistent basis, but when we do speak we pick up where we left off Like that is a true friendship. But again, like the word friend is used so lightly nowadays, like I was even thinking to myself, like when I went to walk by the other day my neighbor was like hey, friend, you know, people just say that like just randomly, so we do take it lightly. But like friendships are. They're rare now, especially now, because when people become your friends like it's kind of like do they have an ulterior motive? Just like you were saying, mikaela, you may not find out someone doesn't like you until you go out the country and you know you don't make it back. But there are also red flags that we see. So there's a certain level of intimacy for me to consider you an actual friend. I do have quite a few acquaintances, but like people who I actually consider friends, that list is very, that circle is very small.

Aliya Cheyanne: 35:11

Yeah, I think I don't remember that correct phrase. I don't think circle of influence is correct. I think there's a specific phrase where you can do an activity and you can kind of do rings or circles within circles and you kind of put people in the levels and the places of the circle of where they're where you have the most intimate trusting friendship or relationship with them, versus like the outer rings where it's not the case. And I think that's the same for me too. I have a lot of acquaintances. I don't I wouldn't call every single one of those folks friend and I do my best to distinguish who I'm talking about. I'll be like oh, that's a work friend, or that's like a former coworker, that's a coworker or like this is actually my friend.

Aliya Cheyanne: 36:37

This is actually my bestie. We're cool, you know, I try to be intentional about that and I'm and I talk to this with my therapist all the time because I'm kind of in a place where I'm not the type of friendship or the type of relationship that I want in that capacity, like it's it's different than what I currently have in my life. So I think I go out to places trying to seek that. It's one of the reasons why I was like I'm super interested in unruly, because there are a lot of women who are like spiritual, who are on like a healing journey, who are actively working very hard to like be better people and we want to be in community with each other. It's the reason why I was so interested in the soul seekers retreat that we did, because I was like okay, like we're gonna eat healthy, we're all here because we're seeking something, we're gonna do these activities together. We want to have this like medicinal spiritual experience, like I'm interested in that. So I kind of seek out those spaces.

Aliya Cheyanne: 37:48

I don't always leave those spaces with more than an acquaintance, like even though I'm seeking depth, and I think that's too cited, like part of it is maybe I'm not opening myself up as much as I could, but the other part of it is just like okay, we might all be here seeking the same thing, but we don't necessarily connect. It doesn't mean we're automatically gonna mesh just because we're here for the same kind of goal. So I think I'm just in a place where the type of like friendship and intimacy and friendship that I want, I think that needs to be like cultivated. But I'm also open to like meeting new people to an extent, because I don't feel like that currently exists for different relationships that I have right now like what I really desire. So I think, just being open to the kind of connection you want and like recognizing the capacity you have to, because it's like some people want connection and want friendship and then it's like when you have to put the effort in to maintain the friendship and keep it going.

Aliya Cheyanne: 38:56

Like that's when it gets a little bit hard, and that's something I struggle with. I'm like I'm more of an introverted person. So when I do hang out with people, like I generally have a good time, like I love you know, if I haven't seen someone for a really long time and we get together, it like it feels new and it feels exciting. I don't want that all the time. I don't need that all the time. Word, you know, like so it's also finding a balance for like what works best for you too. That's important.

Tasia Marie: 39:25

Definitely, definitely wanting to be with like-minded people, but I also love to be around people who, who starts, are just like outlandish, but not outlandish in a way where I'm like what the fuck? But make me think, well, what the fuck? Every now and then, but yeah, it's, it's. It's different when we went to the Soul Seekers Club like that was amazing because we were all there for something but like everyone was, you know, everyone was their own person, like we're all on the same, like wavelength, but not quite so that was a dope experience, definitely.

Aliya Cheyanne: 40:10

Yeah, yeah. So I think, mckayla, you're going to say something.

Mikhaila Rae: 40:19

I was just saying that like it's really good to have people that kind of like balance you, when you have friendships in terms of like just like when you were saying, like you're an introvert, like having sometimes not necessarily all the time, because that can be also very overwhelming having like extroverted or omniverted friends, that like can take you out and you'll have a good time and then you can go back and like recharge your social battery. I'm starting to believe that I'm an omnivert because I like to go out and I like to shake a foot, but I then also need to shake a foot girl, right, but also I might need like five or six days after that to like just be by myself.

Tasia Marie: 41:07

I definitely feel you on that part, because I'm definitely down to go out and have a good time and party, but after that I'm going to need, like a good maybe four to six weeks to recuperate because yeah it was just a lot. It's a lot of energies Like. I do want to go out, I do want to party, but not every weekend. You want to shake a foot? I want to shake a foot, oh man.

Aliya Cheyanne: 41:36

Yeah, I'm just recognizing the activities that feed you. So my top three activities would not include shaking a foot, but me personally.

Aliya Cheyanne: 41:50

I do appreciate friends who are interested in the type of things I want to do. Like I just had two. We can talk about this too. I just had two varied experiences. Like Micaela and I were super down to see Burner Boy and she was still super down and I did not want to go. Like I was trying to get rid of my ticket, and Teja and I just saw Beyonce and I was excited for that. Like Micaela saw Beyonce, too, overseas. So I'm like I was down for that.

Aliya Cheyanne: 42:25

But on a typical day, like I'm gonna ask my friend if they want to go see this exhibit with me, because I love a museum, you know. Like I just know what feeds me and what is interesting to me. I don't mind a nice dinner. You don't call me if you want to go, like to a bar and that's all you want to do, though, cause I'm not interested in drinking, literally. Like I don't want to just sit around and have drinks, like I'm not the happy hour friend. So I think just knowing, like I think just knowing what works for you and what you're interested in.

Mikhaila Rae: 42:57

Yeah, what your capacity and your friend's capacities are, yeah.

Aliya Cheyanne: 43:00

And, like you know, being cool with people who are interested in varied experiences Cause I also go have fun too Like we've done what have we done? A rage room. I want to do acts throwing someday. Like I'll do stuff like that. But like don't call me if you want to go to the club. No, call the other friend If you want to go to the club, I'll do a day party.

Tasia Marie: 43:24

I won't go to the club at night, I will do a day party. I definitely will do a day party with you. If you want to go to happy hour, I will fucking go to happy hour with you, cause the food specials we bomb is fuck, especially if it's a spot that I want to try their food out and the drinks are good too. So, yeah, you call me for happy hour, I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to lie to you. I used to be the happy hour friend every fucking Friday, saturday, thursday, friday, saturday at happy hour. That is no longer me. I am elderly now. Not elderly, no, you're not elderly. No, I'm just like I'm beyond the happy hour spot.

Mikhaila Rae: 44:04

So, yeah, it is me. That's a different phase of life.

Tasia Marie: 44:07

There you go. I'm in a different phase of life, so like, yeah, you want to go to an art museum, I'm definitely down to see that. You want to go to an art exhibit? I love like nature, shit, like I'm down with that. But if you want to get ratchet real quick and go to a day party on where there should do, yeah and I'm definitely down for, well, I'm not going to say I'm down for concerts, but if it's an artist that I want to see, like I definitely wanted to see B this year, got that in. Wanted to see Cezza, definitely want to see Brent Fayette's, but like, other than that, I'm good off the concert tip.

Aliya Cheyanne: 44:49

Yeah.

Tasia Marie: 44:49

And of course they're out of the million. I'm a million nervous.

Aliya Cheyanne: 44:52

Yeah, there are a million other things to do too, but those are some examples that we could think of right now. So I think also one other thing on this whole friendship part that came up for me was like not just recognizing trends, but like even just thinking about your own friendships and what purpose, like, you're serving in people's life and what purpose they're serving in your life too, because, like I said, I'm constantly reevaluating relationships in my life and I'm like is this relationship still feeding me? Is does the other person still feel fed by being friends with me? So I think just being mindful of that, like taking honest assessments, like people do relationship check-ins for romantic relationships all the time, like sometimes friendship check-ins are just as important, if not more important.

Tasia Marie: 45:46

Normalized friendship check-ins.

Aliya Cheyanne: 45:48

Yeah, like is the way I communicate, working with you? Like does working for you? Like do you still feel good about our friendship? Like what's something that's missing that you want more of, and be honest about, like what you can or can't do and assess where it goes. And I think the other thing, too is I've been listening, I listened to a lot of podcasts and back in March, shan Boudram for lovers and friends had one where she was like you know, I'm a grown woman and I don't have any friends, and she was talking about how she's basically. Her life has basically become her husband and her kids. Even though she wants more friendship, she doesn't really have the bandwidth for it. And I thought that episode resonated very deeply because there were a lot of different perspectives in that one, and I think whether or not you have a romantic partner or kids, being honest about your capacity for certain relationships and friendships is super important as well.

Mikhaila Rae: 46:45

I was also going to say like maybe. I shouldn't necessarily compare them to like romantic relationships but due to the fact that you're not having an intimate relationship in like a sexual relationship with your friend, like it doesn't make it harder but it's a different level of work that you have to put in that makes any sense.

Tasia Marie: 47:05

Definitely, definitely. But at the end of the day, friendship is a relationship, just as a relationship is a romantic relationship. So as long as you're yeah, as long as you're like moving forward and growing with individuals. Those authentic, like raw conversations need to be had, and a true friend is always going to call you out on your shit. Like I don't want, yes, men around me, I want people who are going to be like yo, you're being a bitch.

Tasia Marie: 47:37

I feel like yo, you were dead ass wrong. I feel like that doesn't happen, as much as it used to. It doesn't, because people are afraid of losing whatever connection that is, but like if that's a real friend or a true friend, like no maybe I'll be mad at the way that you expressed it to me Like shit, you could have said it in a better tone, my nigga. But thank you for calling me out.

Mikhaila Rae: 48:05

Let me not say that. But really and truly, sometimes that tone you need to hear it in that way Like regardless, like even if it's not a nice tone, like sometimes like bitch you fucking up, like you know it hurt my feelings, but like maybe it'll make me reevaluate the way that I'm like looking at myself or looking at life or doing what I'm doing and like just that's real.

Aliya Cheyanne: 48:29

Yeah.

Tasia Marie: 48:30

Communication is key, and it's not only communication, but it's also it's more so the understanding what's being communicated to you, because we can communicate all day, but if you're really not understanding what's being given to you, then that communication is null and void. So we have to nurture all of the relationships that fulfill us in our lives.

Mikhaila Rae: 48:54

And also evaluate if some of the relationships that don't fulfill you if they're worth it yeah, some people are draining.

Aliya Cheyanne: 49:04

I also think like a lot of times people reserve like emotional intimacy for romantic relationships and I feel like emotional intimacy should definitely be present in friendships, because what happens when the romantic relationships fails, like nine times out of 10, your friends still gonna be there. So, just being mindful of that. I guess the last piece of this that I kind of thought about is I've also seen stuff around friendship breakups and navigating those. Yes, we know, we know they hurt. I'm gonna tell you that much. Okay.

Mikhaila Rae: 49:48

So sorry, I can't do my breakups Okay.

Aliya Cheyanne: 49:50

I'm gonna say that Full trans I'm seeing.

Mikhaila Rae: 49:54

I'm seeing.

Aliya Cheyanne: 49:54

Mikhail and I had a friendship breakup once and it was my fault.

Mikhaila Rae: 49:58

Yes, it was, I wasn't leaving. Okay, I wasn't. It wasn't me.

Tasia Marie: 50:04

I was crying for like a minute I needed to be consult.

Mikhaila Rae: 50:06

To be honest, I needed to be consult Trans.

Aliya Cheyanne: 50:09

I'm sorry, I'm the game. This was years ago. This is not like yesterday, okay.

Mikhaila Rae: 50:16

Also like full disclosure. We've been friends for over like 25 years, so like we had one breakup. Call your daddy, look at your parents, don't look at us. Oh shit.

Aliya Cheyanne: 50:27

It was real. He got past it. I came to my senses and I apologized and she came back.

Mikhaila Rae: 50:34

But I like I said this was years ago.

Aliya Cheyanne: 50:37

This was. This was college, like undergrad, I think, and, like I said, this is not new. I'm constantly assessing relationships in my life and I felt like I needed like I felt like I needed like a separation, and it didn't last that long Cause I went back.

Tasia Marie: 50:58

Oh man.

Aliya Cheyanne: 50:59

But, and it has to be like that you do I will say, I will say I will say that McKellis probably the only, not pop, well, yeah, the only friendship Breakup that I've had that I like doubled back. For Most of the time if I have a friendship breakup I do not give a fuck, like the queen of detachment, like there's a reason.

Aliya Cheyanne: 51:25

There's always a reason and I've had situations where I feel like I couldn't, I couldn't do it and wait, I couldn't do it anymore because I felt like someone was constantly emotionally dumping and I was like no, I can't, I can't hold that. Another time I had a friendship breakup because low key. I think the person wasn't happy with themselves, so they would constantly put me down. And I was like you know what? That's not my friend. So I feel like you.

Tasia Marie: 51:56

you just have to assess. I'm glad you recognize that.

Aliya Cheyanne: 51:59

Yeah, Like it's important to recognize stuff like that and I feel like that, quick like I, I remember things quick and it's, you know, it's just like I, that's not the energy I want to around me.

Mikhaila Rae: 52:12

So anyway, I was also going to say, um, not to cut you off, but we had technically two friendship breakups Because, yeah, remember the first time I had to go find you because you went to Arkansas, so technically like that wasn't your fault, yeah, but I stalked you out. And so the second time you actually did leave me. I'm just yeah, I did.

Aliya Cheyanne: 52:33

Okay, I did yeah, but we've had a friendship longer than most marriages, so so here we are. Here we are.

Tasia Marie: 52:48

Oh man.

Aliya Cheyanne: 52:49

All right, that was a good segment, so yeah, so wrapping up. Wrapping it. Wrapping, okay, I'm done, just annoyed the fuck out of Okay, I'm sorry you got Damn. It's literally every time, every time. Was that a purpose or was?

Tasia Marie: 53:21

that just bad timing.

Aliya Cheyanne: 53:23

What was happening? Okay, oh, fuck it with you. I'm sorry, oh, oh oh.

Tasia Marie: 53:30

Oh, oh.

Aliya Cheyanne: 53:36

Oh, love you, love you too. So On to our mental health tip of the week, which Didn't really Plan this one out Particularly, and I thought of something that I wanted to use and I completely blanked on it, but maybe it'll come back, unless someone else has one.

Tasia Marie: 54:07

I was going to say for the mental health tip of the week. Is that a no, it was the arrow. It was the arrow for me.

Aliya Cheyanne: 54:21

I was hoping for something.

Tasia Marie: 54:23

But the week let's go with ourselves. Yeah, yes, and it's like recognize when you are feeling something Like and sit in that emotion. It's okay, but be able to key in on what you're feeling. Yeah, take a moment If you need a day to just sit around and chill. That's not you being a bum, that's called self care and I've been told that several times Over the past several months. I've been told that I'm not going to be able to do that I'm going to be a self care.

Aliya Cheyanne: 55:03

You Amen, all right, all right. Well, thank you for tuning in. I hope you enjoyed this episode. We hope you enjoyed this episode. It was a little bit of a hot mess yeah.

Aliya Cheyanne: 55:17

Shout out for organic, unscripted. But yeah, if you enjoyed the episode, like, please, please, please, leave us a rating, leave us a review. It helps us in this podcasting world. It helps us to reach more people. It really matters. We can't stress how important it is. So if you've been listening, if you're a day one and you have not left a review yet, please we are literally back in you.

Aliya Cheyanne: 55:45

Please, please, share. Yeah, share the episode. Share the podcast. Share the podcast. Yeah, the podcast is still the best way for podcasts to grow, so please tell a friend to tell a friend.

Tasia Marie: 56:00

Put it in the group chat Anything, just share it. We posted on your IG. Put it on your ticker talker.

Mikhaila Rae: 56:06

Put it on your ex formerly known as Twitter.

Tasia Marie: 56:10

Oh, share. We're trying to grow our following and also like, leave comments with our mental health tip of the week and like question you know of the day or of the episode comment. We want to interact with you guys, so, yeah, let's do this.

Aliya Cheyanne: 56:29

Please, all right, thank y'all. We'll catch you on the next episode.

Tasia Marie: 56:35

This is.

Aliya Cheyanne: 56:37

Bye.