S2 Ep6 People will take as much as you give

Hey you,

What would happen if you stopped pleasing others and started prioritizing yourself? In a dynamic discussion, I share my journey of shedding the people-pleaser label and how it led me from the verge of burnout to a balanced life. It’s a deep dive into the mechanics of constant appeasement – where it springs from, how it exhausts us, and why we find ourselves nodding to every request.

The show doesn't stop at diagnosing the problem; it also offers a cure. We explore the significance of self-care and the power of saying no. Learn practical ways to establish healthy boundaries, prioritize your well-being over the desire to please, and eradicate guilt from your vocabulary because a fulfilled life is about meeting others' needs and honoring your own. So tune in, and let's start your journey to a healthier, happier you.

With love,
Em xx

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Transcript

:00:01 - Speaker 1
Hey, hey, this is Em. This is season two, episode six of the Becoming Your Warrior podcast. As I've mentioned in the previous episodes, this season is 100% dedicated to helping you really connect with your self-worth in living a high-value and a high-worth life, and if you haven't listened to the previous episodes, I definitely recommend going back to season two, this season and episode one and just starting from there, because it's kind of a series, it kind of flows on from one to the other, and this episode is completely focused to this phrase, which is people will take as much as you give, and it is completely about people pleasing. If you are a people pleaser, these are some of your traits you will say yes to everything. You will be the person that everybody calls whenever there's something that they need to download about, whenever they have problems, or whenever they need you at the last minute. You are always available. You are generally somebody who is a little bit burnt out and your energy is all over the place because you are constantly putting other people's needs first. If somebody calls, you are there Now. These are all traits of a really great person and a really great friend, but at what cost? 

Generally, people please get burnt out. Generally, people please have very low energy because they're so exhausted, worrying about other people, and the other thing that people please do is do a lot of this to ensure that they are liked. They will put up with really poor behavior from I'm not sure if you call them friends, but people that they hang out with. They'll put up with really poor behavior from people around them, and generally, the reason for this is because they learned in childhood that they had to be liked, and they had to behave. It might be that they had maybe an unpredictable parent. They may have had lots of arguments going on in the house and they had to be the mediator between parents. It might have been that, maybe their siblings. There was lots of drama going on with their siblings and so they just realized that they had to be again the person in the middle. But essentially, the reason why people pleases do what they do is because they need validation. They need to make sure that things are going to be okay. They need to make sure that they are liked because their survival really depends on it, and it's not a bad trait. It's just. Unfortunately, it's very draining for the people pleaser. It means that you know everybody loves them and everyone thinks they're really nice. But they are just always available. And when you are always available, then people will keep taking as much as you give until you burn out. 

I've had this personally myself. I've just, you know, I remember, like you know, years ago, going to my friend's house and being like 30 minutes late and them being so upset with me. But that morning I'd also said yes to two different things, like one in Bondi, and one in Manly. I'd been all the way across the bridge and back, ended up in Waterloo half an hour late to this other thing, and then could only stay there for like another hour because then I'd already committed to go somewhere else, because I was so desperate to keep everyone happy, and I was so desperate for if I didn't go to this thing then maybe I wouldn't be invited again and then maybe I'd miss out and maybe they wouldn't like me as much if I didn't go to this thing. And that's what my sole focus was. I was just absolutely focused on being popular, I was focused on being liked, I was focused on just trying to keep people happy. And again, this was a huge thing that played out in relationships always, always, always putting friends, always putting partners first, always trying to second guess what other people need ahead of me. 

And the way to crack this is there's a very easy way to first of all navigate this and slowly start to break this down. And the first way to do that is you can still make people happy, and you can still give to people, but what you do is you assemble everybody in a triangle, and at the top of that triangle is you. It's kind of like the food pyramid, you know. At the top, that is you. That is the most important thing you do when it comes to giving is are you giving yourself enough time. Are you giving yourself enough space? Are you giving yourself headspace? Are you giving yourself like the luxury of just looking after yourself for the day? Are you giving yourself the time just to say no, I'm not going to do that, because I'm looking after myself. 

Today, when you put yourself first, and when you start to set boundaries and I'm going to do another episode around healthy boundaries when you start to set healthy boundaries, and you start to put yourself first, you're actually doing everyone a favor, because they're going to start getting the best version of you. They might get less of you as in time with you. But when they do, you're going to have more energy, you're going to be happier in yourself, and you're going to feel better about yourself because you are people pleasing yourself first. So that's a really easy way to start. Maybe even if you're in the thick of a people-pleasing situation, why don't you just take some time just to kind of write down maybe four or five things that you're going to do just for you this week and no one can talk you out of them? And that might be that you're going to make sure that you know you get to exercise. That might be that you're going to get to yoga, that might be that you're going to sit down and write or draw or create something and you're going to switch your phone off and it's just going to be your time. So that's a really nice way just to slowly start to add yourself to the very top of that pyramid and then, after that, start adding people in below you. 

So, depending on your situation, that might be your partner, it might be your kids, it might be that your friendship circle comes next. It might be that you know your parents or you know whoever you're closest to. Your best friend in the world comes under that. But you have to really prioritize yourself and just remember, like, the more that you give and the more that you're available, people don't really care. They don't know that you're also racing around and looking out for six other people. They are just people looking out for themselves. People, honestly, are looking out for themselves. So you know, if Sally, you know who is always available and always shows up and is always there at short notice, if Sally is just there all the time, they will just keep taking. They don't know what's going on inside your head. They don't know that you're exhausted or that you're depleted, or that you know when you go and see them, it's because, deep down, you're trying to keep them happy. They just know that whenever they call you, you're free. So you really are responsible for this. 

This is something that you need to take control of and you need to start doing this. You need to start prioritizing yourself and giving more to yourself than you give to other people, and that includes if you do have kids. You've got to look after yourself. You. You can't forget who you are just because you've got children or a child. You. You know, once upon a time, before you had children, you were you, and there were things that you loved to do, and there were passions that you had, and there were things that lit you up, and you can still have those even though you have children. You've got to find a way of looking after yourself. You've got to find a way of prioritizing yourself and giving to yourself and filling up your cup. 

You know there's that saying like you can't pour from an empty cup. It's so true. When you are depleted, when you're running around after everybody else, you are wiped out. You've got an empty cup. And this is an example again of lower self-worth. When you think other people take priority over you, even though you're depleted, you're going to drop everything and race over. It's not the way it's meant to be. And again, it's not to say drop your friends or don't be a good friend. Of course you can be a good friend, but we're going to cover healthy boundaries in the next episode and that's going to really help you again, just to start putting these little steps in place, just so that you start to look after you, so you can be the best version of you, you can be the worthiest version of you, and then you can give to others, and this is all solid advice. This is all stuff I've had to do, and it takes practice. It's not easy for recovering people. Please, I promise you. However, the more that you practice this, the more that you understand that you are important and the more that you understand your health and your well-being is the most important thing on the planet. It's above everything else. 

If you are not healthy, if your well-being is not well, you are not going to be a great parent. You are not going to be able to provide what you need for your family. You're not going to be able to provide what you need at work. You're not going to be able to provide what you need for yourself. You're not going to feel good in your life. You have to look after yourself first. Age-old Anadot it's on the plane. 

It's like if you've got children, you put the mask on first. Everyone's heard this before. You put the mask on first before you put it on your child. Because if anything, if you put that mask on the child and in between you putting that mask on your child and when you go to put it on yourself, something happens, and you're knocked out unconscious. You are not gonna be able to be there for your kid, and that is exactly what you need to be thinking about in your life situation now. 

If you don't look after yourself first, if you don't stop putting other people in front of you, especially when it comes to your health, you are not gonna be good for anything or anyone. And you deserve to feel good. You deserve to have great health. You deserve to have amazing well-being. You deserve to rest and you deserve to say no and you deserve to just look after yourself and live a great life. 

And this is how a person with high self-worth lives their life. They look after themselves, they can still give to others, but they put themselves first. They put themselves first, and it's not selfish, it's smart, it's called health, it's called well-being, and that's what I want for each and every one of you. So it's a little bit sterner today, a little bit more bossy, but it's really important that you start to do this. So, yeah, just take out a little notepad or pop it in your phone and just block out some time for you and start to realise and maybe write down some ways that you can put yourself first, and we will continue on this journey into your incredible self-worth, into your worthy life. I love you so much, sending you so much love, and I will chat soon. 

Transcribed by https://podium.page