Ep 102: Balancing Dreams and Duties: Tanya Walden on Running a Business While Caring for Aging Parents

Can you really balance a new business while caring for aging parents? Tanya Walden knows firsthand the emotional rollercoaster of trying to juggle a burgeoning childcare business with the increasing demands of her elderly parents. She opens up about the suffocating guilt and bone-deep exhaustion that come with being torn between her dream job and familial responsibilities. Tanya even dives into the evolving dynamics in her relationship with her parents, especially highlighting her father's rapid health decline and her mother's high expectations.

Our conversation doesn't shy away from the tough questions. How do caregivers cope with the logistical nightmares, especially when the pandemic has accelerated the decline in their parents' health? Tanya shares her raw, unfiltered feelings about witnessing her parents' suffering and the emotional toll of questioning their quality of life. We also touch on the friction that can arise among siblings when the caregiving burden isn't equally shared. Despite these challenges, Tanya's story is a testament to the deep love and gratitude that drive us to provide the best care for our parents. This episode is both a heartfelt and enlightening exploration of the complexities of caregiving.

This podcast is meant to be a resource for the general public, as well as fellow therapists/psychologists. It is NOT meant to replace the meaningful work of individual or family therapy. Please seek professional help in your area if you are struggling. #breakthestigma #makewordsmatter #thingsyoulearnintherapy #thingsyoulearnintherapypodcast
 
 Feel free to share your thoughts at www.makewordsmatterforgood.com or email me at Beth@makewordsmatterforgood.com

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:12

All right, welcome back listener. I'm your host, dr Beth Tramiel. I'm glad you're here today. This is Things you Learn in Therapy, and I am really grateful to be able to do this work. It actually doesn't feel like work when I get to talk to amazing guests, and my guest today is going to be another one of those amazing guests who has volunteered to come on to share their experience with caring for aging parents.

Speaker 1: 0:36

I had another interview with Katie Williams earlier in the summer, and she came on and shared about her experience taking care of aging parents, and I think, as I kind of put this topic out into social media, I had lots of people who had lots of comments about oh yeah, you know I'd be open to talking about my experience. Oh, yes, I would love to share, and you know, people don't always want to share their personal experiences, and so the fact that so many people were pretty quick always want to share their personal experiences, and so the fact that so many people were pretty quick to want to share their experience really told me that this is an important topic, to give people space to share, and so that's what we're going to do today. So Tanya Walden is here with me today and I'm grateful you said yes to being here. Tanya, can you go ahead and introduce yourself to listeners and then tell us one fun thing about you?

Speaker 2: 1:30

Yep, my name is Tanya Walden, and one fun thing about me is I have a big sense of humor. I can make you laugh for sure.

Speaker 1: 1:40

I love that and I resonate with that. I experienced that when I'm with you. I think even just the two minutes before we pushed record, we were both just laughing and giggling about a variety of different things. Yeah, you have been in early childhood for a while.

Speaker 2: 2:01

Yeah, about 20, probably 22 years.

Speaker 1: 2:05

And so you love it, you are really embedded in it. It's hard work. I know we have talked about how hard the work is, but rewarding work yes, definitely rewarding. It's interesting because one of the things that came up when I was talking to Katie about her experience and taking care of parents and I'm curious if you experienced this too.

Speaker 1: 2:28

You are well, your own children are a little bit older now, but you have grandbabies that I know you care for and love, just like your own babies, but you also are in this unique scenario that your job is also to raise babies, and so one of the things she talked about was this exhaustion that comes when you're caring for aging parents but then you're also caring for your own children and in your case, you're caring for the children of so many other people and how that adds to the exhaustion. So, anyway, you can either comment on that or you can just, you know, start sharing anything that kind of came to mind when you were thinking about oh yeah, this topic. I'd love to share a little bit about taking care of my parents.

Speaker 2: 3:17

Well with me, you know. You know I, I've recently started my own childcare with my daughter. It's something that I've always wanted to do my whole life and never have I had the time or the financial stability to do so Raising my own children when I was young. So we branched off in March and we started this on our own, where I feel a little selfish because it's giving me. I'm giving more to my job now than I am to my parents.

Speaker 2: 3:53

I feel guilty to some extent with that, because now I work, you know I'm, I'm here from the time it opens till the time it closes, and then we clean up and then, you know, so I don't get home until you know, sometimes it's 6, 37 o'clock, and then you know I run over there and I, you know, check on them and um, so it's, it's long days, I mean, and my mom and dad, once you have aging parents I don't know if you've heard this before, but I don't want to say they turn mean, but they turn like you need to be here, like I said, you're to be here and you weren't. And you know it's like they turn into a child as they age and that's hard.

Speaker 1: 4:38

Well, and maybe also what I'm hearing from, that is like some of those expectations that they have of you are sound like kind of rigid. Right, we're like, we have told you this is our expectation and we're going to hold this expectation. Yes, yes.

Speaker 2: 4:54

And they are. And then they're to the point to now where they think I'm like this mind reader and I just know things need done, instead of them saying, hey, tanya, I need this, or hey, we need this, or you know because? And that's what me and my mom had a long conversation yesterday because my dad is deteriorating fast, which is hard for me to watch, because my dad was always the strong one, the caring one, the loving one. As I was growing up, my mom was always that hard person that didn't have a lot of. I don't want to say she didn't love us, but she wasn't the nurturer my father was, and now she is. She's playing this role as your dad's just faking it, or he's not as bad as he puts on, or so that's a hard topic with her right now. Um, because I know my dad's not putting on. I mean, I can tell my dad is physically declining yeah, oh gosh.

Speaker 1: 5:58

I mean there's so many, there's so many things. Everything you just said is so. There's so many emotions wrapped up in all those things. So thank you for sharing that. I mean this issue of like feeling selfish because you're giving more to your job, or like you kind of feel like you're being torn in two different ways, right, like I really want my business to be successful. This has been my dream, this is with my daughter, this is our livelihood and her livelihood and it's what you love to do. But it's also you've got these parents who also sort of need you. But then I can hear and can imagine, like gosh, it's contentious and it's like kind of intense and it's hard to watch your dad and it's hard to have these conversations with your mom, and so it's like I know I have to go over there, but there's part of me that would like just rather come home after work and eat some ice cream.

Speaker 2: 7:00

And you're right. And sometimes and I've had this conversation with my husband, you know some days I can't even call because it just puts me in a mood that I don't want to be in, because it it is kind of depressing and my brothers live far away. So it's only me which my children help and their husbands help. It's only me which my children help and their husbands help. So it's like I mean, I have a big support system, but it's still. It's hard when I'm at the age that I am trying to start my business life, you know, and when I've always gave so much to everybody and now I kind of want to give to myself.

Speaker 1: 7:46

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 7:46

But give to others, but that's giving to myself. Does that make sense, definitely, I mean?

Speaker 1: 7:51

knowing you definitely does.

Speaker 2: 7:54

So it really it's hard. It's hard right now.

Speaker 1: 7:58

Yeah, again, I'm just so grateful for your vulnerability and sharing and and coming to talk about the emotional toll, that this is right.

Speaker 1: 8:07

I mean, I hear and I resonate with this kind of emotional turmoil, almost right when you're like I want to be there.

Speaker 1: 8:15

And then my emotions you know my brain is trying to protect me from the emotions and the depression and the, you know, the conflict of, you know, trying to, you know, convince mom, or or even my own, you know, in my experience it has been, you know, looking at issues of mortality, right, like as you talk about your dad deteriorating and how quickly it happens. You know, one of the issues that came up in the last episode with Katie was like how quickly. It's weird because it's like we know our parents are getting older. But then it's like, oh gosh, you know, somehow it just doesn't feel like I don't know how to describe it, except that it's like it kind of sneaks up on you and then all of a sudden you're like well dang, you know, like maybe I should have been more grateful or maybe I should have done that trip to the Grand Canyon with them when they were still able to move and be more active, and it just brings up all of this stuff.

Speaker 2: 9:18

Yes, it does, it really truly does.

Speaker 2: 9:21

And I think you know, because you know I had my, my oldest daughter, when I was a teenager.

Speaker 2: 9:26

So you know my parents were big involved in that part of my life and I, to this day, thank them 100 times over because I couldn't have done it without them. But I look back and I think all the times that I took for granted that I could have spent with them and I didn't, I just hid myself in my room or, you know, in their good times, you know, yeah, and then now you try, like you know, they went on vacation with us last year. They didn't go this year, but last year we I took them with us to Alabama and it was just like they didn't, they stayed in the house the whole time, they never left, they just and it was like, and you know, as we were leaving, they said, well, this is mine, your dad's, last vacation. You know, and it's hard when you hear things like that, because they're living in their time like this is their end and they are. They keep repeating it and repeating it that this is their end and that's hard to hear.

Speaker 1: 10:28

Can you share a little more about that? Like I mean, I can imagine how hard it is to hear, but what else kind of goes into that that makes it hard?

Speaker 2: 10:36

To know that I'm not going to have them around. But and I'm going to say this and I don't mean this in an ugly way and I might be like, oh, I didn't mean to say that. But sometimes I think to myself and this is selfish and I bet I can't even believe I'm going to say this, but it's, it's what I think. I think sometimes it would be easier, yeah, you know if, and they would be happier. Sometimes I feel like, if you know, cause my mom and dad are, you know, very religious people and they know they're going to the promised land and they just know it. And you know God's coming and they're going and and you know, and they and they know that, and you know, I'm grateful that they know that.

Speaker 2: 11:21

And and sometimes I think in the back of my mind and I've never said this out loud before, you're the first people that have heard me say this out loud that sometimes I think it would be easier. You know it would make my life easier. You know, because I struggle daily with managing my you know my kids, my grandkids, my parents, you know family. On top of all of that, plus it's hard, it's hard to put, and then you don't even have time for yourself and you know you can't pour from an empty cup and I'm empty a lot, a lot of the times I'm empty and I don't want to be empty anymore. You know I want to be full and you know, ready to give all I can give to everyone and I just I got to find a way that it'll all work out and I and I know it will eventually. It's just trying to find that.

Speaker 1: 12:16

Oh, so hard, Tanya, and so real, you know.

Speaker 1: 12:22

I mean I can imagine the number of people listening who are like I have thought that very same thing and I have talked to people in therapy, right and behind closed doors, where nobody knows and nobody hears, to be able that people will say like I'm relieved, you know, and I feel bad admitting that I feel like I'm a terrible human, I feel like I'm a terrible daughter for admitting I'm relieved that I don't have to go over there every day, that I don't have to watch them deteriorate, that I don't have to take care of them and have the weight of their health or their life on my shoulders.

Speaker 1: 13:07

And I just appreciate the realness in that, because I think that that humanness is the thing that unites us right, that it's like when we can bring light to those things that we think or we feel that are real. It isn't to hurt anyone's feelings, it isn't to mean that you don't love them and wish that they could be the healthy version of themselves forever, but it is the reality of the emotional and, frankly, physical toll that it takes to do this work right and taking care of them.

Speaker 2: 13:48

Yes, that is so true. Yeah, and I think you know, and I'm sure a lot of people can relate to this, covid really aged my parents quickly. You know they both got it when it first. You know the epidemic first happened and you know they were both on life support at the hospital together at the same time. So that was a hard part. You know that was a hard point in my life also. Wow, but just from then it just they went downhill so quickly. From that that I still say COVID is what started their decline.

Speaker 1: 14:25

Yes, yeah, yeah. And I know that I've had conversations with other people who kind of resonate with that yes, and then they have sort of admitted, like sometimes I think, would it have been better if that would have just been the thing that took them? And, frankly, I've had conversations with people who don't want to be experiencing the decline, right. So when our aging parents are aware that they are declining and they have even said, you know, I wish that I wouldn't have to live this way, right, and and I think for those of us who are taking care of them or loving them, that's also a hard thing to know how to respond to, how to process through, how to walk alongside them. You know, there's a there's a lot that goes into kind of this topic.

Speaker 2: 15:32

It is, and you know, and you never do enough or it's never good enough, and you know, and they've been married for 54 years and 55 in August. So you know, all they know is each other. So it's that's going to be a hard thing. So, yeah, so it's all hard, it's really hard, I mean. I wouldn't trade it for the world, though. Totally.

Speaker 1: 16:00

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 16:00

Because I know in my heart that this time they need me, and you know all that they've given to me my whole life. You know they deserve it and they deserve the best that I can give. Yeah, and I will continue till there's not no, there's no fight left in me. I will continue 100 percent, giving them as much as my body will physically give them.

Speaker 1: 16:23

So another thing that came up is sort of when one child lives in closer proximity. So you kind of mentioned, like you have other siblings, but because you're the most nearby and I actually experienced this in my family also that my sister lives most proximal to my parents and so she is often the one who carries the load, and it became more I just became more aware of that in the kind of recent years that how heavy a burden that had been for her, and so, yeah, like anything that you can share about that specific dynamic also that you can share about that specific dynamic also.

Speaker 2: 17:13

Yeah, like anything, if it snows, we have to take care of it.

Speaker 2: 17:15

If their yard needs mowed, we have to take care of it. You know, my brothers were in the military, so they've always lived since they graduated high school. They've always lived away. And then here I am going, slapping my mouth again sometimes, sometimes then they'll come home and then my parents want to ooh and ah over them, you know, and it's like, hey, excuse me, I'm here every day, and it's it's like they get this.

Speaker 2: 17:45

Oh, yay, donnie and Matt did this, or you know, and I'm like, really, you know, and then I feel guilty because I'm like, you know, they don't get to see him much, and but in my heart I'm like, wait a minute, I'm doing all the work and that's hard sometimes, and, and you know, like right now, you know, me and my brother are not even speaking at this moment over something as silly as a parent issue, which I will be the one that gives caves and gives in and says I'm sorry or whatever, but because things are said and we shouldn't say it, and then you just ugliness comes out, and so you, that happens too, but I'm sure it's not just my family that's happened. Um, but I'm always the, I'm always the bigger person and I always cave and I'm sorry. It'll be all right, I'll fix it. You know cause? I'm just that person, I'm not. I will fix it for everybody.

Speaker 1: 18:47

Yeah, yeah, I mean, you're definitely not the only family that has, you know, kind of disagreements about this. That. That really caused a lot of conflict in the family, where you know we're trying to make decisions as a sibling group or as a pair of siblings, right, or people who are, you know, trying to make decisions about the care of our, our parents, or what we think is right or wrong about what they're doing with their life right now. But I also was laughing because my sister kind of lives in your role Sorry, mom and dad or Sherry, if you're listening, but I love you all and we were just laughing just this summer because she takes them to a lot of their appointments, kind of goes with them and makes sure that she can remember the things that they have to remember. They have pretty good memories, but I have offered to come.

Speaker 1: 19:44

I live about two hours away from my family but I've said I can come and my parents are like no, no, no, you're, you're so busy, can't come. And my sister is like I'm busy too, like, so now the running joke is that you know she'll like call me and I'll, you know I'll be doing something, and she'll like be like oh well, you're so busy that you can't answer the phone. You know so it is, though, like this you know, this feeling that those of us who are there and doing the work all the time, like I think obviously our parents, are grateful for that, but it is a little bit of like the prodigal son, right when it's oh well, yeah well, yeah sure, let's have a party for them, but I'm the one who's cleaning up your yard and doing, you know, coming over here every day to change a light bulb for you, right?

Speaker 2: 20:44

thank goodness for grocery delivery these days, you know, because that has really helped me yeah, I love that, um, that Okay.

Speaker 1: 20:53

Well, I mean, I just always, you and I, I think, are are both very candid friends together, and so I'm glad that we are able to relate to that. But you know, as we kind of wrap up today, is there anything else you wanted to share? I mean, I think there was so much rich. I think there's so much richness to your story and we're just scratching the surface. I think there's so much richness to your story and we're just scratching the surface, but is there anything else that you're like? I just want people to know it's okay that if they experience this or they feel this or they think this like you're not alone in thinking or feeling that.

Speaker 2: 21:23

Yeah, just you know, just always know that you know if you do have those thoughts that you know you can't do it it. Or you know, because you have to give time to yourself too Our parents love us, no matter what, and you know they'll understand in the long run that you know you did what was best for you. Also, and some of the things that we do think is just it's just human nature, it's just us, that's just what we are is just, it's just human nature, it's just us. This is what we are. Yeah, and although we love our parents with everything we have in us um, I wouldn't trade it for the world sometimes I have to step back because I, I just I have to step back sometimes. Yeah, I.

Speaker 1: 22:07

I love that and I love, like your emphasis on, like trying to find the balance between I am taking care of me and making sure that I am well enough to do the things that I need to do, while also and I hear the tension in you, right, I hear this like I'm still trying to find the balance and maybe some days you're better at that than others. But I just love that kind of final message, too, that it's like look, at the end of the day, you really do have to make sure that you're well enough and your parents will always love you, even if they're mad at you in the moment for not bringing over the pizza that they ordered. They are going to, you know, eventually be able to love you for wanting to take care of yourself also.

Speaker 2: 23:00

Yes, yeah, yeah, it's great, it's great.

Speaker 1: 23:04

Well, look, tanya, I'm so grateful for you. I am so grateful for your vulnerability, your candidness always, but also really like the messages that you shared I think are very relatable. You know, and I think that that has been my goal, and this podcast is to try to help people feel less alone in that struggle, and so I know that there are lots of listeners who can relate to some of these things and I'm just grateful for your courage to come on and share.

Speaker 2: 23:35

Well, I appreciate you having me on.

Speaker 1: 23:38

That's great and you want to give a shout out to your business in case there's somebody listening who's local and might have a three year old who wants a spot in your daycare.

Speaker 2: 23:48

Yes, we might. Me and my daughter started a family home child care. We are licensed. We will be past the quality level three by the end of july. Hooray, located in the rorton area, we are blooming leaders child care amazing, and we stay full. So look us up. Um, we do have a Facebook page, so look us up and see what you think.

Speaker 1: 24:12

I love that. And infant through five or.

Speaker 2: 24:16

Infant we do school age. We only take three at a time, though, but it's usually it's infant through five, but then we can have three school agers.

Speaker 1: 24:24

Awesome, great. Okay, my dear, it's always a pleasure getting to see you. I'm grateful for you and listener, thank you for being here also see you. I'm grateful for you and listener, thank you for being here also. Until next time, stay safe and stay well, thank you.