The Focus Cast
#103 A Chaotic Weekend Pushed Me Into Some Powerful Insights
As the gentle hum of everyday life gave way to a weekend of chaos, I found myself grappling with the kind of upheaval that brings unforeseen wisdom.
Major Insight One: Learning to Observe without Judgement
In the first part of our episode, we unravel the profound practice of observing without judgment. Through meditation and mental exercises, we discover the art of disconnecting emotions from our identity. Instead of being consumed by our emotions, we learn to experience them objectively, allowing us to simply observe without attaching them to who we are.
Major Insight Two: Documenting the Positive over the Negative
In the second segment, we delve into the transformative practice of documenting the positive aspects of our lives over the negative. We discuss the potential pitfalls of projecting trauma and how it can inadvertently become a part of our identity. Our exploration focuses on breaking free from the cycle of trauma addiction, letting go of the identity of past hardships, and embracing a more positive self-image.
Tune in to The Focus Cast for an insightful conversation that aims to empower you with practical tools and perspectives for a more focused and fulfilling life.
FIND US ON
As the gentle hum of everyday life gave way to a weekend of chaos, I found myself grappling with the kind of upheaval that brings unforeseen wisdom.
Major Insight One: Learning to Observe without Judgement
In the first part of our episode, we unravel the profound practice of observing without judgment. Through meditation and mental exercises, we discover the art of disconnecting emotions from our identity. Instead of being consumed by our emotions, we learn to experience them objectively, allowing us to simply observe without attaching them to who we are.
Major Insight Two: Documenting the Positive over the Negative
In the second segment, we delve into the transformative practice of documenting the positive aspects of our lives over the negative. We discuss the potential pitfalls of projecting trauma and how it can inadvertently become a part of our identity. Our exploration focuses on breaking free from the cycle of trauma addiction, letting go of the identity of past hardships, and embracing a more positive self-image.
Tune in to The Focus Cast for an insightful conversation that aims to empower you with practical tools and perspectives for a more focused and fulfilling life.
FIND US ON
What's up, bro? Episode 103. 103 and 2024. Of the new and improved highly focused focused cast yeah, it's been a, it's been a weekend, it's it's been interesting.
Speaker 2:So we're going to talk a little bit about it. So, but honestly, I think this episode is just going to be a little raw. Yeah, not a lot of time to prepare and not really Just a little bit of a spear.
Speaker 1:A little bit of a spew.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because I mean you mentioned on the phone, you had a little bit of a revelation. Had some revelations of sorts Of weekend. Yeah, Going through your the things that were happening.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, sometimes it's great to read from a script and sometimes it's great just to Let it out. Let it out Today, we're going to let it out, let the lead out.
Speaker 1:So yeah, yeah who are you? I'm Jonathan, noel and.
Speaker 2:I'm Brian Noel. It's the Focus Cast, where we help you reduce distractions, increase focus so you can live a life with Intentions, all them intentions, so many intentions. So yeah, you just want me to jump in and then we'll go from there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, let's go.
Speaker 2:Okay, so I'll talk about the events and then I'll talk about the introspection. Okay, and then I'll talk about the insights.
Speaker 1:Nice yeah. So this is just how you're taking life and using it to learn and grow.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Life events that you couldn't predict. Yeah, yeah, okay, that's wonderful.
Speaker 2:So, to go into it, I'll share one quote that I posted on Instagram last night. Nice. Okay, to kind of summarize what's happening. Okay. So sometimes we have periods of life that are calm and in those times I personally because I'm not going to say we or you should I'm just going to say I have been able to, in the past several months, work on, I'll say, the foundation. Okay. Yeah, stability Foundation yeah.
Speaker 2:Stability for me means just being grounded, right yeah, being present, mm-hmm. And then we have occasionally these moments of absolute chaos, for just a few moments. Mm-hmm. And in those moments you get to see how well the foundation is.
Speaker 1:Hey, nothing like a little stress test, right A little stress test. You know, of sorts.
Speaker 2:So when Storm comes in, you get to see how your house is built yeah, how the roofers put those shingles on, yeah. And then when you get through it and things calm down, you get to just go back and say you know, when the storm was here, I could see the chimney leaked a little bit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, or let's patch this up. Yeah, let's go fix it. This is good and we'll keep that the same and we'll grab the silicone cock for the. Yeah, no, exactly, that makes sense.
Speaker 2:Listen, if you can make it to the point where you're grabbing the silicone cock, you're in a good spot, but anyway, yeah. So I've mentioned this before and this is something that I'm really working on right now, like this is probably the number one thing that I'm working on, okay, and that's in life there's polarity, right Plus minus yin, yang, good, bad, so sometimes just calm, sometimes chaotic, right, there's these extremes, and the way I articulated it in the post is what I'm learning to do is observe that polarity without judgment. So throughout a crazy weekend that I've had, you know, there's a lot of opportunity for judgment or just a ton of emotions associated with chaotic events.
Speaker 2:And it really is just I've been talking about this, We've been talking about this for months and I've been sharing some of the things I'm learning. You know, I said, one of my mental goals was to observe without judgment. Yeah. And you got. I got to do it one week after I posted that.
Speaker 1:It's nice when life lets you test out what you want to do.
Speaker 2:I know it really makes me careful of what I write down as my goal. I want to endure a lot of pain. No, I don't, I don't, I don't. I probably will if I have to, but I don't want to.
Speaker 1:So I'm just going to say that right now.
Speaker 2:Anyway, this book I read, they did a whole chapter on the process of becoming a shaman and they actually went out and studied all around the world different shamans and what their experience was. Let's just say it was a lot of pain. Yeah. So anyway, all right, cool. So events, you and I wrote on Thursday, yeah, Friday Friday we wrote on Friday. For some reason that ride was weird for me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for context, we're mountain bikers, we're training for a longer ride, so we wanted to. Trails were closed, so we went to a flat kind of boring spot and we're like let's just spin, let's just go. Yeah. And it was harder than I thought it was going to be.
Speaker 2:Well, and the trail was right next to a lake and it was freezing that day and it was super windy, yeah, so two pairs of socks in my feet were still cold. The only way I could stay warm was to just pedal faster, but it was weird. So what happened?
Speaker 2:we were riding and just riding, but what was interesting is like all of the kind of negative scripts came up, you see, all these like mantras on social push through and be a man, push through all that kind of stuff and for whatever quote hardships or demons or trauma that we're all running from whatever. And you see, like the post of, like the man being a man, you know that kind of stuff. So, regardless, there's this common experience in life where sometimes you just mentally, everything just kind of comes in and I was just like, and it was just like I kind of got to a point to where I was just like what's the component of all this?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that's what a lot of people what happens yeah.
Speaker 2:Like what's the point? And here was the driving, the driving kind of script that really allowed all of those negative scripts to come in. To conclude with what's the point, the script is this you know, I posted this stat on social but I read a stat that said like 73% of people inherit the religion in which is their national religion. And then you start reading about the false self or the ego and all that kind of stuff. And you look at the world today and you see people arguing and all that kind of stuff.
Speaker 2:But I think at the end of the day, we find what we need to believe to arrive at some conclusion or help us cope with whatever's going on. Sure, so if we look at that at a mass scale, I in my head was just like, well, if we arrive at what we need to believe, what? What do I believe? Not like extesentially, yeah, but like if I create whatever I need to believe To feel safe. And you know I'm doing all this work, all this mental work, all this fun stuff. I mean it's been. It's been weird, enjoyable, it's been kind of been unsettling at times, but honestly it's been very fulfilling. But, um, and Probably typical for someone you know, in their 40s right, you know.
Speaker 2:I'm choosing to not divorce my wife and buy a two-seater and marry a 20 year old. I'm choosing to right, go deep and understand who I am and what I want to do for the rest of my life.
Speaker 1:Are you not doing the typical, the typical American midlife crisis?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, making a choice not to do that.
Speaker 1:I want to just the ultimate avoidance decision.
Speaker 2:Yes, but it's kind of a philosophical question. But if it's like, if we project what we need to believe, what is truth, and so that kind of that kind of led me which that can lead you to a positive place, but that led me in the moment to just like a I'm doing all this work, I've had great milestones, but like why, what, why, the why, yeah, so then we left that and went to a, a Dinner that night, and again, part of this process is you just feel kind of disconnected.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm so around, wonderful people, but I just feel disconnected right. And then from there my oldest son was sick and I was up all night and that's familiar, I've been there before. But just kind of where I was, that personally, carrying that into no sleep, and then my son was like in a lot of pain. So it wasn't just he was sick and I was kind of sitting with him or we weren't sleeping in the same bed, it was he was in my face screaming for four hours straight. Yeah, and any parent knows, or anyone who's been next to someone screaming For four hours, your brain really starts Freaking out mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:Yeah, your nervous system is like on overload, overload.
Speaker 2:You know mm-hmm, and obviously you feel bad for your kid, you're trying to help your kid, but then also you're just like I need Some relief so I can keep doing what I need to do. Yeah, there was a time where I said I would feel better if I went headbutted. The fridge Probably would feel better, like it was. Like I mean I was really close, like I was even like getting up and just kind of scratching myself.
Speaker 2:Yeah you know, because you just get there's that level of irritation that that is just it's kind of it's kind of pushing into that Insanity state. Yeah but what's really interesting about the work that we've been doing is this presence and you know, We've been talking about focus for two years and so really trying to Break apart the emotions and observing the emotion.
Speaker 2:So I'm sitting there and, like before, I would just be angry or irritated or frustrated or sad, you know whatever it is for my kid who's like in an intense amount of pain, yeah, but now it's like different. It's like, well, now I'm experiencing this, but I'm also watching myself experience it, which can spiral to a bad place, but it can also stay constant or it can go to a good place, right. So I was experiencing all those.
Speaker 1:I think, like in those moments where you're like what the is the point? Yeah, and you see everyone, you see like, the people like on social media, the, the likes, not self-help, but the, you know the like you got to push through, yeah, and the point is, is how far can you go after? You really don't want to do it? Hmm, I guess you're just raising that stress threshold. Yeah, because there's some people who wouldn't have been able to handle someone screaming at them for four hours.
Speaker 1:Yeah they probably would have headbutted the fridge or just like drove off. Yeah or something. Yeah but you've expanded your threshold Not to where you're sitting there in bliss. You know meditating, you know like a Buddha or something, but this is real life, yeah, but you were able to stay there and not bash your face against something or or drive away or just save it all.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, so that's wonderful if you're watching the video on YouTube, I don't. There's no cuts or bruises on my face. I restrained, but that says something but it's a good point, bro, and that's so it's like expanding that.
Speaker 1:Because I guess it's easy to say what is the point, but then in those moments you're like I guess the point is so you can handle More. You can handle more, which is a scary truth, because I don't want to handle more.
Speaker 2:I want to retract.
Speaker 1:It's like in the in martial arts. It's like it's the whole thing is like we're not, it's not to be scared, it's just it's not to expect anything is gonna happen, but you just prepare, yeah. Yeah, because if it does, then you're prepared. You're prepared, yeah, that's true. So you know, when there is something on screaming in your, whatever it is, when I love.
Speaker 2:I love our dialogues around intentionality and focus and and all this kind of stuff, because there's also a piece of culture and maybe, maybe Women struggle with this more than men. I don't really know honestly, but there's the whole thing. Like you can't be upset, like your kids upset, it's selfish for you to even sit there and do introspective work or it's selfish to even think about yourself while your kid is in so much pain and that seems ridiculous yeah what's great is like.
Speaker 1:That's just not true at all you have to do some inner work to stay at your level, where you can even be available as a person.
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah, and that led me to one of my key insights. That happened on Saturday, okay, wonderful. So I was up and then around this started around 10 pm. We got home from the dinner. Dex was upset. So my wife and I are pretty we're familiar with this because our kids were in the hospital a lot when they were kids. So we got a good system down. We're a good team. So I said, all right, you go and go to bed, I'll tap you in when I'm yeah, done.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so it was about 2, 30 or 2 o'clock and I told my, I woke up my wife and said, all right, you're in, and so she got up and she took care of them and I went to sleep and then, and then she woke me up at 6 and then I Was taking care of them and then, obviously, took them to the pediatrician. One kids got strapped. They can't figure out what's going on with my oldest kid, so they come home. He's still just super upset and my wife's like all right, cool, I, I'll take him to the pediatrician. Now it's time for your nap, so I'm laying there. So from Friday of just this kind of overall personal, very in inner.
Speaker 2:Right struggle taking that, into feeling disconnected, into a night of no sleep, and then and then just being present, trying to be present with your son who's freaking, miserable, right, and then my wife takes the kids of the pediatrician. I'm laying there and there's just like this overwhelming sense of, just like Judgment, all this kind of stuff, all the stuff that you know humans can face at any point in time.
Speaker 2:And then, literally, it was something in my brain just separated and said okay, now it's time to observe it. Hmm, and what was so interesting was I wasn't in the moment like I need to meditate and be able to observe this. That's my goal. I told everyone on Instagram I can't be a.
Speaker 1:You know I wasn't doing that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was just there. Mm-hmm, you know, it's just like. All right, you're upset. You know I'm irritated. I want to help you. I want to help you. You know, four hours into it, what can I do? Just really just just hold my kid for hours and then, obviously, you get kind of numb once you get that fatigued and then some of those raw personal emotions just kind of get numb.
Speaker 2:but then it was like literally, and it was just like a click, and Whether it was my brain allowing me to experience this or whether it was just how it happened, it doesn't matter. It happened literally light switch, separated from it and instead now observe it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you were feeling it.
Speaker 2:now let's observe it and I was able to and I'm serious, I Was able to 100% observe all of it completely free from judgment. That's nice. The whole process, the therapy work, the steps that we've made life, existence, pain, misery, my frustrations, my expectations, all of these things, you know my, my, you know feeling disconnected from the world, all this kind of stuff, all of it I literally switch Mm-hmm. Now, look at it. Now you can see it Without judgment. And I don't know if that was my brain letting me do it, I don't know if that was like Spirit yeah, help from the.
Speaker 1:yeah from the creator.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, I don't know, but I'm grateful that it happened. Yeah because then it was just like oh, this is what it means To observe and not judge. Mm-hmm. It's okay that I was frustrated. It's okay that I feel Disconnected. All these things are it's fine, it's okay, it's okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like it is okay.
Speaker 2:It is what it is, you know, and it was the absolute most glorious Few minutes that I had, right up until I fell asleep and took probably one of the greatest naps that I have in a long time, since I bought a record player when I was 19 and listened to Miles Davis on a snowy day.
Speaker 1:That must have been a good nap, to remember it so oh.
Speaker 2:I didn't wake up and tell the record had to turn the record. Damn, that's nice. Some kind of blue is that name of the album. His famous album, yeah.
Speaker 2:That's good nap material, but anyway so that was like the first time. And I've read about this. I've read about, yeah, monks and different levels of meditation, and you know we kind of we move from our identity is the emotion to our identity is not the emotion to being able to Observe the emotion and then be able to observe the emotion without judgment. And I read about that and I was just like and that sounds freaking cool. Yeah, I want to do that one day.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I want to be like that when I grow up. Yeah yeah, and I got to do it I.
Speaker 2:Got to do it.
Speaker 1:You got a taste of it. I got a taste of it. Now can you replicate it?
Speaker 2:Yeah you know, I said this to my therapist. I said, you know, it's really interesting about all this is there's revelation and then there's practice and integration. And if it's really fun, it's really fun to have these major Revelations or these major insights to change your life, but then that rolls into okay, practice, which you know Can sometimes not be the sexy part, but it's, it's the important part.
Speaker 1:I think we have to At least feel it enough to know that there's a reason to go for it.
Speaker 2:You've always said this, bro it's not about stopping bad habits, it's about interjecting good so much that the bad habits just fall away. Yeah, and we get a taste of that. You get a taste of an observation without judgment. Yeah, it makes you go. Oh Well, I don't want to sit here and judge myself because I know what it feels like not to Mm-hmm and that, but that that I won't say bad habit, but I'll say that common response yeah, just kind of fades away.
Speaker 1:Isn't that nice, but it's. It's good to have a little bit of an understanding. I was talking with Carter and we're talking about how and some of the like Native American tribes, they'll take the hallucinogenic, whatever. Yeah, it's not like a. It's not like you know people now where they just do it for fun and abuse it or whatever. You do it once With people who can like hold the space you know the shamans and stuff, so you can kind of feel that Unconditional love, at least get an idea, yeah, and then you just use it as a reference, I guess as a reason to See why you're working towards.
Speaker 2:That path.
Speaker 1:That makes a ton of sense, you know because if you've never felt it, sometimes it's like so what? What is the point? Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Because I mean that's when people talked about meditation for me a year ago, I was just like cool, I'm gonna go sit down and my mind's gonna scream at me for an hour. So that's literally torture.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but if you had felt it, if somehow you just got a piece of it, yeah, you know, and you understood what it can be. Yeah it changes the, the paradigm. Yeah, so that's why it's nice to be in groups where someone can lead or hold the space or whatever. It's where you can really feel the Whatever higher states, whatever you want to call it, there's so many different names for this stuff. But yeah, so you kind of see where you're headed.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because a lot of times you're just sitting there trying to meditate. You know what is this?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, if it's, if we're trying to find so the default network, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's where the core of our Identity and belief systems are born, mm-hmm. You know, I just finished a book talking about the default network, and Really good book I forgot the author, pretty famous, but anyway, talking about like little simple things. Like you're sitting down the table where your grandmother and you're done eating and your grandmother's like, have another bowl of soup. And you're like I'm not hungry. And then your grandmother's like Well, you know, there's a lot of starving children in this world and we want to eat up all the soups. You need to eat the soup, mm-hmm. So then you eat the soup even though, like, you're physically full, mm-hmm. And in that moment you lose a piece of free will and the default network comes in and gives you messages like you always shame and guilt, you know. And then that may turn into something later in your life where you don't have the free will to say no, and so when anyone impresses upon you something that they want to give you, you say yes, this sounds like Something that's borderline enslaving most people.
Speaker 1:Yeah and it's giving subtle, giving pieces of your Self away, yeah, in little ways, so that might feel little, but after 40 years of doing it, yeah. Then you wake up one morning You're like why am I here?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and we've talked about social scripts before, but obviously we're a little different place now. It's like social scripts have a way deeper and I love the way the book described it. You're giving, you're losing your free will Mentally, internally, it's like like when you're a girl and you're out playing rough. And you get, you know, dirt on your clothes and you come inside and like maybe you have a parent that says, like girls, don't get dirty.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know I like Thinking about. You know, older people who are more certain. Yeah, you know, they're sturdy and their certainty, yeah. And you might ask them Do you want to do this? And they'll just say no. And you know for a fact you will not change their mind.
Speaker 1:Because they're just they're holding that certainty so strong. Yeah, you know it's futile. Hmm, yeah, you know, but you can go to your buddy and be like hey, you want to whatever, you want to come to this thing, and I got some stuff. Come on, man you know it's gonna sure you don't want to. There's gonna be blah, blah, blah and they're like okay. Yeah, that's a good analogy you know thinking about, like our grandparents or whatever.
Speaker 1:It's different yeah you know when they say no, you understand it's not happening. Yeah, because they have that certainty. Yeah, yeah, so certainty is is it's a regaining that? Is important because we love. I mean a lot of people, not a normal people, who grew up in this paradigm and the whatever you want to call this in the US yeah this trap of sorts of nonsense and bullshit, uh, you lose a lot of certainty yeah because you're just being pulled in all directions and there's people telling you how to feel, and your parents and schools, and yada, yada, yada never ends never ends.
Speaker 2:So yeah, yeah. So that was revelation number one, nice or key insight number one nice revolution number two, mm-hmm. So I was driving to the hospital and I was driving down the road and I've been reading a lot about polarity in the universe. You know we all are familiar with scientific polarity right created nor destroyed, plus or minus yin and yang, all that kind of stuff where you know one reaction is an opposite, or one action is an opposite reaction right well, an opposite reaction yeah yeah, so we're familiar with those concepts.
Speaker 2:But as you get into the spiritual space or the religious space, right, there's always this question like how does god exist if there's so much bad in the world good bad. So I've just been reading a lot about different perspectives about this, this construct that we're in, its polarity, and how we reconcile or just listening to how different people reconcile that polarity, and so not that I read the answer or I've got the answer what is it bro? But one practice, as I've been consuming a lot of this content and reading about it, is I was like man, you know, I've been documenting this journey heavily. I've got, you know, maybe a hundred plus pages of detailed notes about every session, different sessions, breathwork, therapy, all kinds of stuff. I've just been documenting more than I ever have in my life my head, yeah so, and I was looking back and I was like I went to look at my notes when I was in the dark place. I went to look at my notes to start writing it down and I said, wow, you know, I've been in a very positive and again, I'm not saying what I'm not equating this to is positive.
Speaker 2:Mental space means everything is working and everything's fine and everything's great and everything's easy. I'm not saying that, I'm just saying when I'm in a good space mentally, I documented less, but when I was going through a really difficult time or documenting a different difficult milestone, I would document that. Of that and the, the, the key insight that just busted in my brain was I and I kind of I can articulate this today because of literally a session I had this morning but, um, two things. Number one part of me. People knew me publicly as an activator driven, you know fun and oh, that's true, it's a piece of who I am. But this kind of melancholy, you know you and I always know I love the minor chords.
Speaker 1:I play in the D minor. Yeah, every time Brian gets excited to show me a song, I'm like cool, I can't wait to play this for someone's funeral.
Speaker 2:Yes, always very yeah and music was kind of like the outlet for that. But a piece of me personally, internally, was that melancholy. It was like the, the one thread that I had that felt that. If I look at it this way, I'll say it was the thread from my mind to my soul and it was the only thread that I had where I could feel the soul, because apart from that I just felt dead. So the melancholy or the sadness or whatever you want to call it, was really the only piece of me that felt alive. So naturally, as I go through this, it's going to be natural for me to document understanding that. But what I came to really realize this weekend is a piece of my identity, is that melancholyness or that sadness. So, and I literally was just like number one do I want to let that go? You know, I don't know, I don't either. And do I have to? I?
Speaker 1:don't know, it doesn't matter right, yeah.
Speaker 2:So and then I was like you know, because you got all these people talking and all these tiktoks and reels and it's like you know, project the frequency that you want, your whole life will change. And you got a lot of that stuff out there. Now, yeah, let's say it in a religious context. You know, you know we have the faith of a mustard seed can move a mountain. So anything you want, you know if it's God's will who give it to you.
Speaker 2:So you have a lot of this like us in our mental, trying to use our mental power and I think, since our minds are so disconnected from our soul, we construe what that stuff means, or we don't fully understand what those things mean at a spiritual level. So in our minds we're trying to you know, I'll be a millionaire, I'll be a millionaire, I'm a millionaire, I'm a millionaire. And then, like the light bills, do like I'm not a millionaire. Yet you know, it's like I've been manifesting it.
Speaker 1:You know right but it's, your thoughts are so disconnected from like your higher, yeah, like what you would actually what you would actually want, because once you start, and I'm not saying I'm there, it's all a journey yeah but once you start catching glimpses of this stuff, yeah you realize those things are silly, kind of yeah, you know, like I need this. Do you really need it?
Speaker 2:yeah not really yeah so it changes, yeah, it muddies up the what you think you want yeah, so and so the big insight is um, as I start to shape who I am free from, I'll say the traps which are I must perform to be valued, the scripts, the programs the programs and the scripts. Yeah, as I start to let those things go and start to just be whoever I want to be and do whatever I want to do, right, a piece that I want to start putting into practice is documenting the good heavily. Yeah, what does the good look like?
Speaker 2:How do I articulate it in the words that I know yeah, and even balance out you know the and it's hard for me to say this right now. It probably sound like I'm just babbling on because I'm literally learning how to articulate it. But I think one way I said it earlier that was pretty good is to come out of 20 years or 30 years of dissociation and trauma. It makes sense for me to want to constantly talk about the trauma.
Speaker 1:Right, because it's the most recent thing that you kind of overcame Right.
Speaker 2:And it's a piece tied to that inner melancholy thread. Yeah, but if all I do is sit and talk about the trauma, then what may happen is then I just create in my mind the space where I'm constantly looking for the next trauma. Yeah. I become addicted to the incoming, addicted to the release of trauma. I'm constantly looking for the trauma.
Speaker 1:Right, so you can release another one.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:That's what I'm trying to say, right.
Speaker 1:You don't want to be in an endless loop of writing your high, of finding new traumas and releasing yes. Yes, and creating new traumas to release.
Speaker 2:That was hard for me to get to, so that's all right, you actually got there.
Speaker 1:That's fine. Sometimes it takes a minute to get there, but that's it.
Speaker 2:That was the realization. Nice, it felt good to release the trauma, but I could make that my identity Right. But you're not. That's not the plan. I literally have to decide today, in this moment, what I want to focus on. Yeah, and that may be different tomorrow. And again this is what's so weird about this To pull up, to pull and observe that, mm, hmm, instead of judging it, oh my gosh, you, you know, you, you you're a man and you just want to. You just want to talk about your trauma. You, little right, right, like, yeah, like, naturally, I could judge that, but I can just step back and observe it and say will it make sense for me?
Speaker 1:I think it takes a man to actually like I'm not ripping on most people. Yeah. Because we've all done it. Yeah. But talking about these things and really looking at them and facing them, it should's not easy. Yeah, no, you know this whole like. You start getting into like the spiritual path and you meet these people and then you see this like sexy side of spirituality. Yeah, you know, and you're like, oh, this looks nice.
Speaker 2:Nice tattoos.
Speaker 1:Everyone's happy and they're all taken mushrooms.
Speaker 2:Plain drums.
Speaker 1:Play in drums Hugging each other, but the reality is is when I sit down and I say, look at this mask of comfort I've put around my whole life to make me feel like I'm stable, when really it was just a way to avoid so many things and avoid confrontation and avoid, and avoid and avoid.
Speaker 1:And you sit there and you realize that and you're like this isn't fucking sexy, this sucks. Yeah, because you realized and that's okay. I'm not mad about it, it's just, it is what it is. It's another program or script or whatever you want to call it. But you start when you start picking away like, oh, look at how I avoided conflict my whole life. Yeah, I told myself some story about what kind of person I was. It's all bullshit. Yeah, that's not me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that was the my, my version of self that was comfortable, yeah, and hid, so anyway well and we project a persona, right Like when what was the 20, the Great Depression, happened, their stories of in Wall Street hundreds of people were jumping out of windows to commit suicide because they lost all their money. We read about CEOs that go crazy and you find them like naked and freaking town square and they get kicked off the board. So, like this projection, that healthy whatever, I'll say men and women looks like you just grind and you work and you're successful and then people just break. You know, and some people they don't break, or some people don't need to break and they're fine.
Speaker 2:And they're very successful quote in our economic standards and that's wonderful and that's the beauty of all this. It's like it's like stopping, like another big thing that I was working through this morning was just like meaning meaning we're constantly looking for the meaning of everything and just like shut the f*** up. Yeah, it's like my kid is sick. He's sick. It is what it is.
Speaker 1:I've been grappling with this too, you know, yeah, it's like you. Finally, it's like you kind of reached the point. You're like, in searching for the meaning, you're missing the point of the whole sh**. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, it's like you're on this beautiful hike and you're at a waterfall and you're like what's the meaning? It's like the meaning is for you to just shut up and enjoy that f***ing water.
Speaker 1:Just listen to the water. Listen to it, don't dunk your face in it. Yeah, you know, in when I'm in the woods, yeah, and you know, just kind of listening to the birds you know, you feel it, you're like, oh, this is the point. Yeah, it's when you get kind of wrapped up. You get kind of wrapped up in the bullshit. You get confused and it's just like it's like this endless cycle, yeah, and it literally feels like confusion because you're just running around like what is the point?
Speaker 1:What do I do? What is the meaning? How do I get there? And then you go outside and then I sit next to a tree and I'm like what the f***? Am I worried about? So anyway, there's my duality, oh yeah. That's a good one, though I mean it's just so prevalent, and but it's just like, even though I know it, I keep going back and forth. Yeah, so it's like it is what it is. Yeah, but I can relate to your. What is the meaning?
Speaker 2:We were talking about the evolution of my and I've talked about this a lot. So the analogy in the picture that I love to say, because it's so true, is I was running in the woods, it was foggy and I was just trying to avoid the tree that I saw right in front of me.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm. You know, this is dissociation.
Speaker 2:Yeah, dissociation. I'm a good husband, I'm a good dad. I just need to not fall off the cliff. Mm-hmm. And so I'm just running as fast as I can doing this thing in America and just avoiding the next tree, and the more I avoid the tree, the better. We are Right, I'm good. Yeah, well, that fog lifted, and it really. I haven't I haven't even shared this publicly, but I haven't had a sip of alcohol in about seven weeks now. Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:The cloudiness, the cloudiness from disassociation, was exacerbated by alcohol. Yeah, so lifting disassociation was great from reducing alcohol intake, because I was drinking three or four beers and I don't drink any beers, I'm talking high quality.
Speaker 1:Seven, eight, nine percenters yeah.
Speaker 2:Every day at the end of the day, just to quiet the manager down. I wouldn't get drunk, because I can't get drunk, or I don't get drunk physically so, but I would slam a couple beers and that voice would just mute and I'd be good to go. You know, that was my management, that was my coping mechanism, mm-hmm. And then through the EMDR, just association lifts, that's great. And then reducing alcohol intake significantly, because we talked about that on the podcast. Alcohol inflames your brain and causes brain fog. You know, look that up, that's, that's everywhere. So, yeah, so just that physical. So then. But the analogy is, I'm in the woods now, it's completely clear.
Speaker 1:Right, you went from in the dark and in the fog to, and then you at least had a little bit of a headlamp.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and therefore a period after that. I'm in the woods, it's completely clear, I can see every direction. But a little voice would pop out like 20 trees down and be like you. Sure you're not f**king up yet. Yeah. You sure? You're not going on the right path. So some of those negative scripts were still there, but they just weren't a constant voice behind me causing me to run. It was just a little, a little bit here and there A little f**king weird.
Speaker 1:A little tidbit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, just coming out popping its head out. Well then, and then our audio cut out, so it got pretty juicy. There. At the end Arrived at talking about how, you know, the little guys used to pop out from the trees and say, are you messing this up? And then they're not there as much anymore, and now it's just like I'm in the woods alone and I've got any direction I could go. So then it becomes the question what direction should I go? And so we talked about that for a bit. It got pretty juicy, you know, shifting from what to why and all that kind of fun stuff. So yeah, we'll talk more about that on the next episode.