Trigger warning: Serious illness & baby loss
Katie chats to Elizabeth, a 25 year old Stepmum of two young boys, about her journey as a Stepmum so far.
Elizabeth shares how she finds it hard having so much of her life and her future affected by her partner's previous life choices. She talks about feeling like she can't move forwards with her life and the next stages because her partner's first experience of marriage has left him not feeling ready to do it again.
She talks about how she wishes they could see more of the boys but her partner doesn't want to go to court and their Mum isn't willing to change the schedule at the moment. Elizabeth also talks about her worries for the care her stepsons receive and about how her love for them has grown since she met them.
Trigger warning: Serious illness & baby loss
Katie chats to Elizabeth, a 25 year old Stepmum of two young boys, about her journey as a Stepmum so far.
Elizabeth shares how she finds it hard having so much of her life and her future affected by her partner's previous life choices. She talks about feeling like she can't move forwards with her life and the next stages because her partner's first experience of marriage has left him not feeling ready to do it again.
She talks about how she wishes they could see more of the boys but her partner doesn't want to go to court and their Mum isn't willing to change the schedule at the moment. Elizabeth also talks about her worries for the care her stepsons receive and about how her love for them has grown since she met them.
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Stepmum, Stepmother, Stepkids, Stepchild, Stepchildren, Stepdaughter, Stepson, Stepfamily, Stepfamily problems, Stepdaughter Problems, Stepson problems, Blended family problems, stepmum help, blended family help, stepmum support, blended family support, Stepmum podcast, blended family podcast, Stepfamily advice, Stepmum advice, blended family advice Stepmom, Bonus-mom, Bonus-daughter, Bonus-son, Blended family, Stepfamily anxiety, Anxious stepmum, stepmum anxiety, anxious when stepkids come
PLEASE NOTE THIS TRANSCRIPTION IS GENERATED AUTOMATICALLY AND MAY NOT BE ENTIRELY ACCURATE.
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talk, children, relationship, difficult, kids, partner, parents, work, life, day, boys, stepmom, house, coaching, weekend, people, feel, possibly, conversation, good, stepmum, bonusmum, bonusmom.
Hello, I'm Katie and this is stepmom space. The judgement free zone where we talk candidly about fairy tales and scary tales of stepmom life. So whether you've been on set monkey is you're just stuffing your eyes a little bit better. This
is the place for you.
Hello everybody. I hope you have all been able to enjoy the recent bank holiday weekend
some things haven't been to shuttle in and just adding an extra day on to another weekend can really upset balance when you're in a difficult time. So thinking about your loads, the last few weeks here at HQ and very busy and the privilege of working with so many coaching sessions I'm getting very different now. So if you do want to do anything in the summer holidays, please make sure you get in touch today. My guest today is Elizabeth. Elizabeth is a set up to two young boys and in this episode she shares a story I've gotten from a single loss of students to a cohabiting two boys in a short space of just three years and is the chance that joy might support her life. But also her concerns are being met she can't create the type of family she needs. She also has to worry about how her partner's ex has impacted his new marriage. Before we get into this trap, just know that there are some conversations around serious illness. Welcome
to the show how you doing today? Yeah. If you've got caffeine, we're good to go actually got water. I'll be alright. So Elizabeth, tell us a bit about you. So I'm
originally from Belgium University. I live with my partner and he has two boys who receive your trainers
so we met through that and until like a few months I started dating and unfortunately I didn't move in quite quickly and not have the children. It kind of I think necessarily chose to do but it's it's still
it's that sliding COVID kind of fast track a lot of relationships because they make or break Goodman. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Industry locked down with someone happening you can live through
a few times the last few years because it's not about that we're both University masters career so it's quite nice, quite easy. But we both want to get out of out. We have children and it felt quite nice and quite easy in a way. And then our full time careers are working 50 hours this week, including working weekends. Yeah, we're sort of divided and an average of that. So it's just got really, really busy lives of different lifestyles. Pretty intense,
isn't it? So if we're talking about three years, you meet this guy, what happens
recently, relationship keep it separated for 18 months or there abouts trying to make things work. So initially, it worked. And it was just, you know, what does each other have some meals and drink some wine, some cocktails, like just take it really because I would just just have the time and COVID So yeah, it was quite quick. And I don't know if we really discussed sort of what our plans were when we discovered like what our expectations were of each other in relation to the relationship with children, that kind of thing. So that was quite difficult because it sort of fell into place. After a while actually taking on certain loss. I felt a bit overwhelmed. Quite a maternal person. I think I've got quite strong maternal instinct. So I quite naturally started taking along with the children and everything after they've come to me, and that kind of thing. And then it was actually really, really overwhelmed with this, and actually talked about whether he was accepting or not just taking hold on. And that's quite difficult and talking about it was quite difficult as well, because we both so I think in that way, the way that we started sort of applications and fast track and COVID can really have discussions around what we expect our relationship and children's but we didn't know what to talk about and we have a comfortable
calling that that happened to you kind of ended up in a situation where you both just fall into your roles and I think I have quite a strong belief that as women, we tend to give more of ourselves than we possibly should. And I see it time and time again with women I work with the kind of gone in either because they love kids and they want to or because they're pushing against that wicked stepmother narrative, they want to kind of overcompensate and then suddenly they end up in a situation where they're like, well hang on shit, I'm not to be overwhelmed. I'm doing way more than my fair share. You're their dad, and then suddenly kind of trying to unpick that and get out of that can be really difficult. So one of the things I would always encourage your stepmom to do is get really clear with your partner at that point when it comes seriously. What are you willing to give and what do they expect? And do those things match up? And if they don't, can you make the match up? But it's so important for us to be in a place where actually you're comfortable giving your giving and you've got enough back for yourself?
Yeah, definitely. So I just had a quite naturally took on the role, but it was that guilt as well. So whenever we have children, I want to be there with them. So I want to be there all the time, but then we can have friends who are friends. I feel so guilty when I take time away from the tilde, which is an awful beat in my life as well. Yes, I chose to have children and that sort of an extra bonus. But yeah, so it's kind of important those feelings expectations, which is quite difficult. Especially as you know, on vocals on the module COVID There wasn't really that many people to talk to. A lot of my friends were still you know, university or just starting out my career didn't actually organise children. So that was quite lonely, but recently a lot of people I've met quite a lot people who have got male or female co workers, varying ages. So that's been quite nice to share with
talk about Yeah, because those feelings of guilt that we talked about are so common. And you know, I think even as biological mothers, we felt guilty when we choose to take time away from our children, but when you add an extra layer of complexity, there's all that overthinking Okay, the kids gonna think I don't love them is my partner going to be kind of committed, you know, all of those things, which are so difficult to navigate. So I am pleased that you're taking some time for yourself. It's super important.
Yeah, I'm trying. I'm working Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, nowadays this week, but they happen to be Fridays. So Martin has a feature that he takes off, and that youngest son's at the school but to be forgotten, that's what we wanted to have the oldest do that was
almost whimsical. So we got home we have to go shopping, shopping left and we went shopping and then he did some math and English but then got a phone call in English so I end up taking over but it's like clean the house. I'm watching the washing away because I want to get out of it. So I didn't want to happen. He took a phone call and I've made lunch before and after lunch, like mostly with the whale investigation stuff and because I'm talking about Belgium, so I sat down and went off and did something else. And took about two hours to do that and everybody to pay a little bit about
a half an hour after the SAP just came back down and he was doing were people doing it. The
next day I was actually a teacher so he could be doing some of these things with his son. Yeah, he just gets quite overwhelmed and when you shut down and I think when we're talking about
what he's doing in the house that was not the washing because quite a bit so that actually you've already touched on with all the extra thinking.
Yeah, I hear you really, really do. I really think this is a bigger issue than just set boundaries. But as women we'll take all that stuff on that we take all that mental load on. I wonder at what cost it is to our mental health. We haven't talked about the boys mom's situation with her.
So she lives about five minutes north of where we are and we get kind of admission agreement is we have a look at the weekends and then all of them spin off the holidays. We try and get them all Welcome to Voice mom is quite typical at the moment. She loves all day treatment, and she's also pregnant. Which when you look at the illness that she's got the baby she seems to be healthy at the moment. Things seem to be going well, but she just doesn't. As far as she was prepared for children's watch, I think, you know, they don't brush their teeth. They do meet but it's just quite basic stuff. They don't do any of their reading. They'll do their homework and then we get comments over a few weekends ago. Little ones very upset the whole weekend. Just crying. The littlest things on the inside, so frustrated obviously, you know she'll care for them in a way I just feel like she doesn't have as much as it normally would be. And so we've kind of talked about how no more she then just goes and by and saying conversation us having but I'm not trying to take him away from her at all. You know I don't wanna say anything, but I just think that maybe we will be able to sort of fill in the gaps that she's possibly missing at home. You know, whether it's because of her mental acuity or whatever it is that she's not automatically in that meeting. But it's just not a conversation.
That's so hard for those kids because we're not talking about you know, apparently is not enrolling them in Spanish lessons on Saturday. We're talking about brushing their teeth, which is basic, basic level one, looking after
a child. Yeah. So I work in them quite a lot with children. And unfortunately what we're experiencing is I think that's because they're basically without really what we can do on the court, but then that feels like that would be you know, it's bringing an official capacity into the relationship and it was a very bad breakup a divorce with a partner that's just gotten to a point where they can do it about often just about come up with plans and make agreements that are not toward each other to actually benefit the children. So I think it's not really wanting to call the courts and that the key things that you've got to be able to step back from relationship difficult again,
it must be hard for him to have kind of that triangle going on as his new guys and the boys. I
think it is really supported, which is really useful every day with the parents as well. I think sometimes you'll feel like you're kind of stuck in the middle and so on the one hand immediate parents, you need to talk to you need to say that we need you are not answering to his WhatsApp messages or or pushing back you know, every little thing. He's actually just kind of stuck in the middle between two fighting factions, but we can't go directly to voicemail that I've got no relationship with whatsoever. He's the only one that speaks something that is difficult, and it does talk about fashion on our relationship. Because I think holiday wouldn't have bought in other days, that kind of thing. But I don't really have a choice every day. And you know, because if he texts back and says no, you're not having to always put those two weeks in like that because I can't have that and so I think it's best to communicate. Yeah,
I mean, it's really difficult. I guess because you've not Well, you've got this other layer added on top, which brings a whole load more complexity with it. Do you mind me asking brutally honest recent or was it something it was ongoing when your partner was? Yeah, so she's always been quite
I think he just really likes talking about their past relationship to the intelligence of chronic medical dangerous because a lot of it is linked to diet changes, which I don't think she's done, and that's never got worse. So although it was there when they were together, it wasn't that bad, but possibly natural progression. Also properties or so much choices means that nowadays we're quite worried about transplant transplant. This
isn't thinking about kind of how the kids are experiencing life. In that home. How much is related to her illness and how much is just patients?
I don't know. Lady actually always just relied on her parents. She's quite rich, which is quite large. So he says she just spoiled brat and you know, that's what his parents say, well, but when there's been a negative breakdown, you know, you don't know how much of it is true, but how much of it is sort of that perception but yeah, I
think the most important thing to remember that it's interesting. We had we had a bio mom on the show a few weeks ago and she was kind of sharing her story. And she's like, I have no idea what he's talking about. You know, we only ever hear things from one perspective, but you mentioned that you don't have a relationship with her. Has it always been that way? Yeah,
I mean, they've made me talk on WhatsApp messages. Because isn't the only way to do things for us to change the degree
to which to actually know exactly something and he's quite precise. And actually I think on by whatsapp, you can do drop offs at home it's very much just always go with at the door. And that's it. There's there's no conversation to have and I've met her briefly a couple times with sports club or a cool concept at this time, and we'll briefly discuss
the children they should know
about me, but we're not talking about I think it would be nice to have a relationship with her. I think it's that mom it'd be nice to be able to talk to the buyer and do what's best in the best interest of the kids and help each other out and everything quite friendly and informal. But obviously, the result is usually because relationship is broken down. And so I think that's something that a lot of that comes out because there's so much weakness in relationship and all that negative stuff.
And Have you any idea how she feels about you?
No idea whatsoever. Doesn't seem to be doing anything negative to the children, which is good. That's happening to us, but they're very, very smart boys. So I don't know how much of that sort of thing could have happened to different likes. And obviously they do but they are actually fantastic. They're so smart. That really kind you know, really really friendly get on so well and from the very outset quite solid batteries. So they know that having a tantrum I get that anywhere. You know they know that their time is their time to work set those boundaries, but now it just makes life easier because we all know where we stand. And everybody said to us, you know when we go to bed at the money house quietly because they know that they can act differently. I don't know.
You might find that showed up in one way or another and if you've got a little more kind of saying to me, you know, I feel lonely inside of money to house which is pretty sad, isn't it? Called physical health can prevent you from being a parent. You want to be lots of people who are like that, but I think when you've got an opportunity to have more support from people that your kids feel safe with and love and it's actually their dad, I find it difficult to understand why she wouldn't want to take you up on that you have any idea why?
I think it's a control thing. That makes you want to set up a new account for children which is a positive thing. So you need to get the children passports for the bank. So he asked her if you should have scanned over the muscles and set up a new stadium a couple of inches if you don't have a passport to become exactly what Trump is, how much of the painting in what savings account it is, and all the details that can come from everything. And he said no, you don't need to know that on their data comfortable account for them. You know, it's for their content and you just get that passport. So I think that's a sign that I think that it is quite controlling. You just didn't want to let go of what the consultant was perceived as dominant parent possibly that's why she doesn't want to reach out and have children and help her and she rather reach out to her boyfriend or her boyfriends parents. Yeah, I
was gonna say actually so she's pregnant and is there a part that she's living? Yeah. Okay, what's the relationship like? There's a lot of
times I think it wasn't make as much of an effort to be on the emotional side of that could be gender based thing. It seems that a lot of the day to day doing that. Sometimes he puts them together. So it's easy to get to the patenting. They have sent you know, like he doesn't play with us or we want to play with his toys comes next box and like I think maybe
those slightly amusing motion jumps when I grown up to have like, toys each other the judge says sorry, if anyone's just been in your husband's pick him up. So it sounds like without him nothing would happen so great that he's there but also like these are so throughout my head of like the kids, they brush their teeth, but it's good especially after eight and five. They should be brushing and brushing. They should be brushing their teeth themselves and I know my five and six year old six year old to brush their teeth by themselves for the most part, but I do have to stand there and supervise and I do have to remind them so I'm not suggesting that kids at that age would be like, Oh, I haven't brushed my teeth every so often do it. But it's unusual, perhaps that they
haven't been taught how to do that. Yeah, so we will always actually at what time usually set the clock and then just another coffee over time until seven o'clock at night and then go upstairs. shower, wash the bed. One of us will read that story and then they'll have how much time that is willing to clock books. And that's all the time and then whatever. We always follow it up. And then you switch jobs on leave and actually go through and do didn't know how to do with but I think when you dial it's not fun so we can get away with not doing it.
And it seems like we do talk a lot about whether it's appropriate for kids to have different roles in different houses. I think what you've just said earlier about what we know about the client and we get certainly, you know, and I think my daughter just turned on the kid she's only five but she'll be late this morning. She was crying because I wouldn't have sweetie before school and I was like you know having Twinkies for breakfast and she's like, I've had my breakfast. I just want an extra and I'm like no, like just just No. And then she kind of gives up on me too because she's like, Oh,
yeah. And therefore they use it. She gives it to him and that's something that my parents talked about as well. So this is something I found quite interesting. Very interesting to talk about. When it comes to trying to strip apart translate for children to grandparents. If you did have to go to an open house. Yeah, there was a certain house which she said she she just told because we saw just a bit spoiled she won't get what you want to hear well with the boys are with them. You won't pick up and they took the whole article because of illness but the grandparents and we know what's up with them as we can leave the matter that the mom's dad with a partner you know how life was going on. It's interesting that he used to get on the road with her parents and they still quite like him so much after him relationship between the partners. So possibly that does lend a bit more strength to when he tells me that she was quite difficult to actually have relationships with and family but
how do you feel about him sitting close to his nose would call them Oh,
my God. Every day is gonna happen to me. It's like children, and I think it's nice that they continue that relationship. So when I'm sort of thought about that, I actually thought about that. Quite nice a bit. It's not just a welcome call with everyone.
And also nice for your son to feel like actually they can talk about grandma and granddad grandma's house.
Yeah. So if you ask them all the time before games like comedy books, so they'll be
the ones and just go back to what you said about how you and your partner would like more than every other weekend with the boys and how she's kind of just said like no like, where do you go from here? It was quite worried that your partner and you to be aware of what's going on with the boys in their lives how
they live most of the time? Yeah, I don't know how concerned he is. He won't necessarily admit to himself what he's been told. We have to say too, because we need to need to keep asking at peace. Anyone have the phrase that you will, can help out while you're not caring for them. And that he just kind of shuts down and goes now you know we've got to do this got to do that. So quite a lot of restrictions that we are slowly getting to Scotland. We have to find it Monday through Friday and then drop off at school on Monday before going to work myself and then with the strike so we have the eldest when they talk yesterday morning. This morning and they will pick up at school tomorrow and have a good weekend. And on Monday we're going to work so we will send every day off to you. But that's something that is out of the ordinary because it's the strikes and my partner sent her message saying you know as I'm a teacher and I'm trying as well, would it be helpful if Mark was saying you will let me help the children. So we've had so you know it will be a complete lifestyle change for both of us to have children as well. You know, we're already incredibly busy and they will just be more busy. But I feel like we need to focus you know, all the time that we need to show you that whenever we can we have the children and if you say you know when you go to court, we can show them you know, Kathy tried to do them. Would you happen as much as possible? I think at the moment and he's kind of saying all the right things to say my calling out the streets which will probably get better. sleeping in the bed, something close to the grandparent once or twice a week where they go public and all that so it's not like an immediate safety concerns. Like it's a long term game.
Maybe that's the best way to play it because also for you, as somebody who's got a really busy life already. Perhaps it is better to just take those baby steps because you mentioned at the beginning kind of going from nothing to total overwhelm. And maybe you suddenly did get majority care if the boys were able to do it. It could be a bit overwhelming.
Yeah, I think a lot of us are being controlled, because she's the main parent and he gets to decide what we want. So that kind of dictates you know, there might be some weekends and holidays. You know, we don't have that close relationship with the school a lot. We find out you know, what's happened that's all back in that company. Not thinking about Montessori school life because I think possibly then I would feel more involved, you know, rather than waiting for them to say, Oh, actually, before you go to events or whatever it
is. I mentioned something earlier, which is that on my husband's various headedness, and so it gets a little bit more about that because I don't it's that unusual
thing, emotions, really think about counselling for the people. It's not me, but I think has been quite affected by his relationship with management life and I expect him to get now it's easy for him to just, everything's fine than to sort of take a step back and analyse what's going through and his emotions, anyone else's emotions and put in the hardware to make things better. So, you know, we've been together for three and a half years now. We've gone through a lot together and that kind of set the stage. I'm ready for marriage, and I'd like to start talking about having a child. I don't want that to be a big gap between my second children that can become you know, the company and obviously like the two older kids, that the kids were not to, you know, my family but he just said, Well, we have this job, actually. You know, I feel like I put in a lot for your children with children, and there's a lot of emotional works, but at the end of the day, we're gonna be together for the rest of my life. So I kind of say like I'm committed to you and committed to the children. And I want this to be a company kind of got conversations about it. And he has made sort of the odd comment on what he went wrong last time. And I think he does have quite a lot of a previous relationship. He's not really committed to itself, and therefore is not made to make another full commitment to me and he thinks that we're quite happy the way we are with women because so much if we didn't have children, that's an application of what we're doing together. We decide to get married and have children and when things are difficult with parenting. We've made the decision to get back together. And yet we're going to the difficulty now fall back on that decision. Obviously, that I need to work on as well, but it's Yeah, difficulties. They're having stepkids and relationships that are still involved in awkward livestreams relationship.
But it just was so much with what you're saying. I think there are a lot of women who I work with who would always be dealing with the impact of exes treatment of their husband. And again, like you know, we don't want to fall into the role of picking up the pieces and trying to fix this person. That's not meant to do but it gets really difficult when you can see that and obviously there's children involved so it's not as easy as saying, you know, let's take a step back for a few months while you do what work you need to do because it doesn't work like that when there's already kids in the picture, some tough
discussions, because we've intended for entrepreneurs, which is why did we come to some sort of couples counselling or something like that just so that we can speed up the manner but let me just pull straight back into the normal lifestyle. You know, being busy with the kids. We never put the time in to actually focus on on innocent men take the time to have the time to relax and think about work. Not the lifestyle, but then every other every few months. It kind of feels like it becomes too much of an argument again and it will crack down and it's just a cycle that is never ending. But it's so difficult to find that extra time the extra effort and the extra emotional effort to actually do something
with it. Once you're in that cycle. It's so difficult to get out. Yeah, definitely.
I think at the beginning I felt have to show to him that we're good enough to beat them to the kids and the kids because I wanted them to walk me around and they'll have to do something and the kids that I thought had to be and I've just had like five doing more and more and more and it gets the point we just aren't given anymore. But then obviously you'd have to do that. But all I can think about is I'm not enough to give more even if that's not necessarily how it works. You know when I say I didn't talk about it, it can sound a bit silly. But
yeah, it doesn't sound silly at all. It's like a really common belief for somebody to feel like actually. And in coaching I work with women on those beliefs and I'm those stories that they've constructed for themselves and told themselves and we kind of have to get back to clarity about what's actually going on. Not what's the story that we told ourselves about what's going on because it won't be that you're not good enough. It's totally valid feeling that you've got a story that you've done to yourself based on all the things that you believe which is not always the only version of it. Yeah.
You guys, I want to talk to you by age.
30 So I'm kind of holding you back now. It takes us a while to get to the date that was our children are worrying about things like take my child away, but it's not that we want to go to Belgium, but that can't be weighed on that, but we do things with that child
now I'm gonna send you something after a conversation, which is an exercise I use when overthinking is so common and I definitely am recovering over because it's interesting.
Very lucky because it becomes quite worried about what people would be attending because it was the first travel but you also never had a relationship to what children but actually, they asked me about Christmas and I want to talk to the children about that
that's a lovely like my parents have really embraced my son from my first marriage. He's not technically they went on and he absolutely adores them. But he's again like that kind of thinking about labels and what do we call them and that we make everybody comfortable? And it's exhausting.
Yeah, I mean, even my kids don't call me Don't call me by my name, but what we go out
what about your money? And I said to me before number two, I'll be What do you want me to be? Let's get out. Fine if you want to. Definitely, it's up to you to do what you want.
Which is nice. That's what you want. Isn't that what's amazing is that you're in such a great place with the boys now and I can see that you've got lots of exciting sort of hopes and dreams for the future. What's the next step for you guys as a family? Well, we were renting my
house to currently live in my partner's house. Three bedrooms, one bedroom. So we actually do have anyone today which is live an hour away. So we can't have that. We need to go to how to change contracts. And it was a lovely sort of four bedroom old farmhouse. I was dreaming of having a baby to come over and say garden lots of hopes and dreams and unfortunately the so that was quite a competence example like the next up and you know, that was the big we learn how to get it's not going to be a part of our future of our family. And our relationship didn't change. But it's taken the physical house away. We're not taking those sets out and if we go backwards, there's nothing that relationship have changed. So we're still looking, but not not the
market that interests you the next steps will be that we get engaged at some point and I'm not ready for it. And I'll tell you, what is what can I do what problem change and if you really want nothing is just a case of me becoming more comfortable with the idea. So at the moment, we're just waiting to see what happens, which is quite a combination. So I grew up speaking French at school, and all my futures you mentioned I'd love to speak French I tried to be French
I can see there's a there's a lot it's a heavy load. Whatever you do, make sure you take care of yourself and yourself on the list and
everybody else thank you so much for your time. It's been so nice to talk to you.
Thank you. I'm so grateful for the courage you showed in sharing your story. Even during this episode, please do rate review and subscribe on your podcast. It really really helps. Of course if you've got a story to share them please get in touch through the website www.stepmumspace.com.