#122 - Advocating For Yourself with Samantha Nielsen

Advocating for oneself is a skill very few of us have been taught but Samantha Nielsen discusses the importance of advocating for oneself with grace and compassion. She shares personal experiences and strategies for effectively asserting one's needs and desires in relationships to foster understanding and collaboration. She also emphasizes the significance of self-respect, vulnerability, and clear communication as you advocates for yourself. She even gives some go-to techniques to help as you learn the skill of self-advocacy.

Website:  (go here to find her Advocate Like An Expert course)
Modern Day Divorce
https://www.moderndaydivorce.com/

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https://www.instagram.com/modern.day.divorce/

https://jamelynstephan.com

https://jamelynstephan.com/meet-with-me/

https://www.instagram.com/jamelyn_stephan_coaching/

jamelyn@jamelynstpehan.com

Transcript

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I'm jamielynn Stephan, and this is what to wanted. Episode number 122 advocating for yourself with Samantha Nielsen. Welcome to want to want it a podcast for women of the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints who are ready to ignite not only their sexual desire, but all of their desires to create a more fulfilling life and marriage. I'm jamielynn Stephan. I'm a certified life coach, a wife, and a mother of seven children. I'm excited to share my personal journey to desire with you and teach you how to desire more as well Hello, everybody. Welcome to the podcast today. I have been so lucky over the last little while because I've been able to interview some really fantastic coaches and people that I have worked with in the past. And today is no exception. This is Samantha Nielsen, who I'm interviewing today. She is a fellow coach. She went through coach training in the same training as I went through. And, um, She got up and got coached by Brooke Castillo in front of all of us. And I was like, Oh my goodness, she's the bravest person. I was like the last thing I was willing to do. So, uh, that was my first introduction to Samantha, but we have had opportunities to be in a mastermind together and to get one, to know one another. And so Samantha, just tell us a little bit about yourself and then we'll get started. Thank you. It's so good to be with you, Jaymalyn. Thank you so much. I'm Samantha Nielsen, and yes, I am a Certified Life Coach, as you are as well. I work specifically with individuals who are either in the beginning of a divorcing process, mid process, or at the end. Individuals who want to build something better than what was before. And so a lot of my work focuses around empowering individuals to rediscover what is true for them. And to take action. Awesome. Awesome. And so I take it then like this is personal experience, your own journey that you're now using to kind of help women. Correct. Yeah. Correct. Yes. I, I am the happiest divorced woman on the planet. And, um, you know, there was a lot of growth and learning that came through my process and I want to be able to support others in creating a successful path. Forward. And so that is where I focus my time and energy for my clients. Awesome. So tell me just quickly, why do you call yourself the happiest divorced person? It's such a good question. So many people think that divorce is going to be, you know, kind of devastating mile marker in their life. And I am not going to ignore the fact that it is hard and it is. painful and something you probably don't desire, especially when we first say I do, you know, at the beginning of a relationship. However, oftentimes divorce is the right choice for two individuals who find themselves in what I call a misaligned marriage. The pieces of the puzzle are just not fitting together and it's more painful than what it should be. And so when individuals find themselves in this situation, Divorce can be very liberating and empowering because it gives you the opportunity to choose again. Oh, I love it. Love it. So good. That's actually so positive because I think you're right. I think there is just so much negative connotation when you think about divorce. And truly you do hear some people's stories and it does sound. Really so, so painful. And so, yeah, I think I really like your, your view on that. Um, so today we're really going to talk about advocating for yourself. This is something that Samantha is super passionate about. Um, so tell me like what got you kind of onto this? I don't know, into this passion, into this area where you're like, I want to teach people how to advocate for themselves. What, what happened for you? Yes, I agree. Um, advocating is so important. And a few years ago when I was in the harder part of my marriage, I had forgotten who I was. I had forgotten what I wanted for myself and for my life. And when I found myself in this space, it dawned on me one day that I wasn't taking action. I wasn't giving enough time and thought and consideration to what what I wanted for myself and then standing up for that, giving voice to that and taking the steps that were required to make it happen. And so, um, it was kind of a, a rude awakening and I realized, Hey, I'm not fighting for myself. It's no one else's job to do this. But mine and, um, when I found myself in that situation, I made a very clear choice that I was not going to live this way any longer. And I deserved to have my needs met my desires met and that it was my responsibility. So when I took ownership for that and figured out how to put the wheels in motion for myself, It also reminded me that, you know what, a lot of other people have forgotten how to utilize this skill and they need some support in this area too. Totally. This is so actually so perfect because the title of my, the name of my podcast is want to want it. And so much of the reason that I did that. It was because I had been in a situation just, just so much people pleasing, right? So much and care of children and all the things I think that naturally happen. And suddenly I was like, I don't even know what I want. Like I, I couldn't even advocate for what I want. Cause I don't even know what I want. Right. We get to that point where it's like a distant memory. We don't even remember what it feels like to have our needs on the list. Yeah. And that's not. Not very enjoyable way to live. No. No. Yeah, because it does. My sister always said it's like you're on the back burner of your own life a little bit. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Okay. So tell me like, how do you actually define advocating for yourself? Because again, it could be something that someone's like, do I have to become a total cow? And do you know what I mean? So tell me like, what, what is your definition of advocating for yourself? Right. And that's, that's also a terrific question. There are a handful of definitions and it may mean something different for each individual based on how they experience and use this skill set in their life. Okay. For myself, advocating means, um, becoming clear within myself about what my truth is and then giving voice to that truth. Regardless of the outcome. So it requires becoming very clear in what it is that's important to me and why articulating that specific need or desire, and then knowing and understanding that, you know what, There may be an outcome that isn't desirable on the other side, but I still need to voice this, and hopefully there is an outcome that is desirable for both parties once the, once the conversation has taken place. Okay, okay, so do you have kind of an example of that? Like, because you're not just saying, this isn't just like making a request, this is like, really Yes. Like really stating, kind of, here is where I stand, this is what I need or what I think. Yes. And knowing that there can be backlash, is that kind of what you're talking about? Absolutely. Absolutely. So first and foremost, I believe personally that more often than not, people can find an agreeable middle. I think that people really want to support one another and help one another when there are things that aren't working and that it can be collaborative. And a positive experience. And so I've had lots of opportunities to experience that and, and advocate and have a positive outcome. And that's the ideal. However, I have had a few situations where I've advocated for myself and. It hasn't unfolded the way that I had hoped. You specifically asked for an example and I'll share one that's just happened within this last calendar year. Um, as a single woman, I had been dating a gentleman for a little while and we had a very nice relationship and you know, we had known each other for some time and my birthday was coming around. And I said to this gentleman, I said, I would really love a thoughtful birthday gift. Not an expensive birthday gift, but it would mean so much to me. If you were to give me a thoughtful birthday gift, this was a big birthday. I was turning 50. Um, and so I had articulated my need, my desire, and I told him why. And sure enough, my birthday came and went and, um, guess what? I did not get a birthday gift from this guy. I was really surprised. Um, so here I was vulnerable. I stood up for myself. I advocated for what I wanted and felt would mean something for us. As kind of, um, you know, a dating couple, and it didn't happen, it didn't happen. So in that scenario, I had to make a very specific decision. First off, I want to point out that that was good feedback for me, right? Right, yes. good feedback for me about how he felt about the nature of our relationship. Yeah. Um, and I took a little bit of time and I decided I was going to ask for clarification and understanding. I reached out to this friend and I said, Hey, I, I really stepped out of my comfort zone and told you what was important to me. And I had hoped that you would follow through, help me to please understand why this wasn't important to you. So I sought for understanding and I allowed him to have an opportunity to, you know, share his insights with me. And then I was able to decide how I felt about that. And ultimately I decided, you know what? This doesn't work for me, right? If I'm not a priority, this doesn't work for me. And then I was able to, once again, make a new decision. Yeah, totally. Oh, that's so such a good example. But so courageous because I feel like it is easier to almost advocate for somebody else. Yes. Right. Like for me to go to my kids and be like, Hey, like it would mean a lot for your dad if you guys call them on his birthday or something. I don't, I don't do that. But something like that, right. How much easier that would be for me then to make a request for myself. It requires so much courage and vulnerability and that's why people won't do it. They're afraid of what might not happen. Just as you know, I explained in this example, the birthday gift. So a lot of times people will remain silent and suffer in silence rather than speak up knowing that, you know, it's a flip of a coin as to whether someone will honor what you ask for. Yeah, a hundred percent. Okay, so knowing that, like knowing this is vulnerable, this, it might not go how you think, why do you still feel so passionately that people should do this? Oh, wow. I love that question, Jamelyn. because when we don't speak up in behalf of ourselves, that is the greatest form of self betrayal. We are ignoring our inner voice, our needs. We are discounting and demeaning our value because, um, because of fear, because of fear. And then you're living a small life and you really aren't living into who you are, what you want. Oh, and you're also not living into the connection that could be possible with that other individual. Yeah, I guess because you're being more authentic and honest. Like actually, like, so there's more intimacy in that kind of relationship when there is that I'm willing to be vulnerable here and let you see. Yeah, because I mean, I think you could have a really good life just kind of in the passenger seat of someone else's life in a lot of ways. And yet you, you are lacking intimacy with yourself and really intimacy with that person. If you're just kind of along for the ride, I guess is maybe right. And I call that living on the sidelines of my life. I'm not willing to live on the sidelines of my life and not be in the game. Being in the game is vulnerable. You know, you're not going to win every point. You're going to get beat up along the way. Yeah. Also going to have really rich, powerful experiences that will add a lot of joy. to the game of life. So I'm not willing to sit on the sidelines. And that's why I feel so strongly about advocating for myself specifically when it comes to those points of connection that really matter. Like what kind of things, what do you mean when you say those points of connection that really matter? Um, so the birthday gift is a really great example for sure. Um, you know, I'll take it even back a little bit further. And I remember when I finally found the courage to tell my husband, I wanted a divorce. I knew I had wanted a divorce for years. Um, but it was something that I just swept under the rug. It was a truth I ignored, which means that I wasn't taking ownership for myself. And, um, even in saying those words, I want a divorce. I was stepping into this space of Being completely honest and vulnerable about the relationship we were sharing, right? And so while it isn't, it isn't a conversation that's easy, it's honest. Right. And so when you can get honest, it allows you to have more connection. Yeah. Even when you have to walk the path that might be hard. Right. Yeah. Yes, totally. And there is something about the honesty. Yeah. But tell me this then, because maybe I want to learn to advocate for myself better, but I have this fear of like, How, how do I advocate for myself when it is in opposition to what someone else, do you know what I'm saying? Like, how do, how can you advocate without stomping on people, kind of? Because I feel like I see, um, men and women kind of swing right from this side of like, not saying anything, and then suddenly they're just like, Really, like, speaking all the truth, saying all the things they don't care who they bowl over. Do you know what I'm saying? Right, right. And then, and it might be out of balance and they don't know how to execute on that skill in a kind and compassionate way. Yes. Um, the first thing that I would add is if you have not stepped into the space of getting comfortable with advocating for yourself, Even at all. Let's say it's just something that you just avoid it every turn. I would start small. Let's build up some experience here. Let's build up some evidence that you're capable. You know, maybe you're eating a restaurant and you get the wrong meal or your meal isn't prepared the way that you want. Now, this isn't something that's going to impact your life in a big way, right? But you could say, Hey, I, I asked for my state to be medium rare, and this is well done. I really would enjoy my state to be prepared properly. So if we can step into those small experiences and build our confidence. Okay. That is a really great starting point because at the end of the day, the waiter's not going to really, you know, care that you were upset by how the steak came out. You can handle that. He can handle that. It's very manageable. So as you start advocating in those small arenas and with those small activities in your life that don't have significant outcomes, they're not really going to be game changers. That gives you the confidence and experience to then step into the spaces where it matters a little bit more. Right. Um, when it comes to the conversations that do matter and they really are going to impact your life or the lives of someone else that you truly love, I think it's important to gain clarity first. And you might want to do some writing around that. You might want to do some writing so that you can get clear around it and always speak from your perspective and why it's important to you. Okay. You don't want to, you know, tell them how they are not showing up for you, but rather what you need and why it's important to you. Okay. So. Yeah. Yeah. And so do you feel like when you're entering in a conversation that way where it's like, because sometimes people say, I just, you know, I just had to say what was true for me, but it's like so mean. So you're, I feel like you're kind of giving more of a stepping in. And maybe even being open to like, I want to, I'm going to take responsibility for me and I want to hear what you have to say. Correct. Correct. Yes. And if you're sharing it from your perspective with kindness and respect, then it doesn't leave a lot of room for someone to dispute. what you're sharing because it's true for you. Okay. It's true for you. Um, so when you speak from the eye position and you're speaking from your position about what is and is not working, then, um, that's going to take down those walls of defensiveness from the other individual for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Because I do think there is this bit of a fear of, because people say to me all the time, and I say this, I hate confrontation and I, and maybe we're just not defining things right. When it's when we're talking about advocating for ourselves, I think that is the fear is like, is this going to become a confrontation? And I don't know what like, what's your picture of the take on that? What do you think? I don't think it has to. So for instance, I, I wanted more time with an individual, a friend. Not long ago, there was a relationship. It's important to me. I wanted more time with this individual, um, a close friend of mine. I've known for years and I was able to say, Hey, I, I really would like for us to make our friendship more of a priority. This is important to me because. I enjoy the insights I gain when we spend time together. I enjoy your company. I think you're wise. Um, I would like to be able to connect more often. Does this work for you? Um, so being able to do it from that position and not saying, Hey, you're not, you're not returning my calls and you're not reaching out to me. And you've put me on the back burner. Why am I not important anymore, which is going to create a fight. Um, so good. Yeah, yeah, just allowing them to see it through your eyes is going to automatically create more bridges of understanding than not. Yeah, so good. And requiring, you're really, you're requiring yourself to like really own this, like I, I'm going to state this and I'm going to own it, which means I'm responsible for it, not you. Yes, correct. Correct. Yes. They may come back and say, I'm sorry, we don't see it the same way. That's not how I feel. Um, or I appreciate that that's your position and what you would desire. It doesn't work for me. All those phrases right there that I just offered are ways that an individual can, um, Assert a position without being argumentative and without creating conflict. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This doesn't work for me. Yeah. I see. We don't see it the same way. And this doesn't work for me. Those three phrases are some of my favorites that I offer to my clients. Yeah. And, and only just so that it's, it's being able to take care of yourself without kind of becoming defensive. Is that really. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then it just, it kind of keeps things neutral and it allows the two individuals to, um, still continue the conversation and make the decisions that are necessary. Right. Yeah. So especially, I think if in like relationships with people that matter to you, marriage, your children, it's, it's, you know, I think it's allowing for some collaboration of just like, here's, here's where I stand, they can share where they stand and, and you can say, I'm, I'm so sorry. That doesn't work for me. What about, or could we, and I can see how then you're starting to actually collaborate to create something that maybe neither of you have an idea of at the beginning, but can kind of come to by the end. Correct. Correct. And it may not work out the way that you hope. That's okay. That's good feedback for us. Um, and you know, um, life isn't always about having things go the way that we want them to. But when you've shown up for yourself in your truth and you've been able to share that from a place of kindness and respect and vulnerability, you know that you've done your job in taking care of you. Yeah. And I, and I suppose really it's, it is an act of self respect to show up, to advocate for yourself respectfully. Yes. And not kind of like a lunatic that sometimes I, I think maybe we get it, maybe it is advocating for yourself still, but it's, it's unkind. It seems like it's unproductive because of the way people can, can approach it. And many people will choose not to engage at all. I'm, you know, um, they may say, you may say, Hey, I need to talk about this situation. I'd love to have a conversation and they may go AWOL because it does scare a lot of individuals to talk about hard things. Um, and that's more of a reflection of where they're at and the insecurities that they're dealing with rather than you. Yeah. I, and I love that because I think this is, I'm sorry, this is a maturing thing. Right. Like it's, it actually is requiring yourself to really own what's true for you. Like. Accept it, admit it, speak it and be willing to be in conversation, be willing to be rejected like that is more grown up. And so I can see sometimes, um, you know, that if you're speaking to someone who hasn't required that of themselves yet, their resistance to the conversation, I know they're maybe more quick to get defensive, more quick to, or to pull back, like, like you're saying, Instead of being able to say, Oh, you, I understand that you really want a very thoughtful gift. I actually feel really inadequate to do that. That feels like a lot of pressure. Right. Right. Yeah. Correct. I agree completely. Yeah. Yeah. And so some, I think you're right. Too often we end up when someone else is advocating for themselves or sharing with us, sometimes Instead of being able to state what's happening for us in response to that, we pull away or get defensive and it's hard. You know, Jaymalyn, the interesting thing about life is life is going to involve conflict. We are going to have situations that are difficult and a little sticky and a little bit messy and uncomfortable. Yeah. And so when we can. Learn a skill, whether it's advocating for ourselves or creative problem solving, whatever skill feels right for that individual. When we can learn a couple of tools to, um, put in our tool belt and draw on, it's, it's just going to make things a lot easier because Conflict and disagreements and, um, misaligned perspectives. That's just part of our reality. It's not going to go away. And we can't ignore and pretend it doesn't exist. Right. Yeah. So, so good. So can you tell us your go to lines again that, because those were so good, just so that we have them in any other kind of, I guess, tools in your tool belt that you feel like are really helpful for people who are learning to advocate for themselves? Yes, um, the go to lines that I like to use are, uh, If I've stated what I've wanted and I don't get the response that I desire, I can say, thank you for sharing. I appreciate we don't see it the same way. Um, another one is that doesn't work for me. And That, you know, gives you permission to honor yourself still. Yeah. So that doesn't work for me. And, um, those are my two favorite. That's why it's at the top of my mind. Okay. Awesome. That's great. Yeah. Is there anything else that you feel like is just so important if you're learning the skill, to do, or? Yeah. Meet yourself with a lot of grace and compassion and love. Learning how to advocate for yourself is a skill set. Um, it's something that requires practice and you're not always going to get it right. Be willing to apologize if your delivery isn't how you had hoped. You can say, hey, I'm sorry I came off strongly. I didn't mean to sound so abrupt. You can always apologize and say, Can we, can we approach this again? Oh, good. Um, so when we meet ourselves with a lot of compassion and love and understanding, recognizing that we're growing a skill, we're developing a side of our character that, um, feels uncertain, then it's not quite as scary. Yeah. And that's so good. I actually think even just approaching your children about something and using some of those words and like just shows them an example of advocating for yourself. So just as you practice, I think it will have a ripple effect in the people around you as they see you doing it. Yes. Yes. For them to be able to do that as well. And you know, we are really modeling how we want to be treated and also how we desire to treat others. Because if I'm going to step into this space of advocating for myself when I feel strongly about a matter, then I also am going to be prepared to hear someone out when they need to advocate for themselves too. So good. That, yes, that's so good. It's like, I'm just holding myself to a higher standard in general. Yes. Yeah. And I'll meet you in the same way. I will meet you in the same way because if, if it's important to me that you hear my voice and understand my truth, then I want to honor and reciprocate the same for you. So good. Yes, so good. Oh, I cannot thank you enough for coming on for talking to us today about this. I felt like you have obviously done a lot of work around it. So excellent. Tell me how people can find you if they would like to work with you. Thank you. I appreciate that. The best way for me to connect with, um, new listeners or new clients is to have them come on over to my website, which is modern day divorce. com. That's where they can find my, my website. I'm also on Instagram at modern. day. divorce. And I engage a lot with my Instagram followers there. Um, And then they can also send me an email if they want samantha at modern day divorce dot com. Those are probably the best ways to do this. Fantastic. And you have a course. Do you not? Yes. Advocating? Yes. Okay. Tell us how, how do we get that? Over on my website, there is a pop up for that and it will invite individuals to take a free training. It's about a 20 minute training where I highlight some of the things that we've touched on here and more. And then that's available to anyone who wants to dive a little bit deeper into the subject. And then if they want kind of. a full and deeper experience. I do have a paid course that they can access after the free, the free training. It's entitled, um, advocate like an expert. So good. So good. Okay. I will link to all of that in the show notes. So don't worry anyone. Don't be frantically writing things down. It's all available for you in the show notes. Thank you so much again, Samantha. I just really appreciate your expertise and your wisdom and sharing with us today. Oh, you're so welcome. I always love our conversations. Thank you for having me. Thanks so much. Bye. Bye. Bye. Thanks for listening today. If you like what you hear on the podcast, and you'd like to learn more, feel free to head over to my website. Jamilin Stephan coaching.com or find me on Instagram or Facebook at Jamileh. step in coaching.