#117 - Are You Paying Attention?

On this episode I discuss the importance of paying attention in relationships and life. I highlight how distractions, especially smartphones, can hinder meaningful connections and I emphasize the impact of attentive listening on mental health. Each of us has the need for genuine human connections in a world dominated by virtual interactions. That is why I encourage people to practice attentiveness to build stronger relationships and foster more connection with others.

Still Face Experiment
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FaiXi8KyzOQ

https://jamelynstephan.com

https://jamelynstephan.com/meet-with-me/

https://www.instagram.com/jamelyn_stephan_coaching/

jamelyn@jamelynstpehan.com

Transcript

0:00

I'm jamielynn Stephan and this is want to wanted episode number 117. Are you paying attention? Welcome to want to want it a podcast for women of the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints who are ready to ignite not only their sexual desire, but all of their desires to create a more fulfilling life and marriage. I'm jamielynn Stephan. I'm a certified life coach, a wife, and a mother of seven children. I'm excited to share my personal journey to desire with you and teach you how to desire more as well Hey, everyone. Welcome to may. Believe it or not, our area just got hit with a pile of heavy, wet snow. So I'm hoping that when you're listening to this, you can see the green grass and the leaves are visible on the trees and the snow is not in your area or mine. Today is May 7th and it's my dad's birthday today. So happy birthday to him, but it is also national child and youth mental health day, because may is mental health awareness month. And this day is specifically set aside to focus on according to the web. Building caring connections between young people and the caring adults in their lives. I want to say that again, the focus of national child and youth mental health day is building caring connections between young people. And the caring adults in their lives. And the website goes on to say, we know having caring, connected conversations can have a big impact on the mental health of children and youth. I care about you is our May 7th message. So I want you to remember this as we get into this topic. Okay. I want you to remember that having caring connected conversations has a big impact on children and youth mental health. I mean, actually it has a big impact on everyone's mental health. I want you to remember their slogan for the month, though. Okay. What their message is. I care about you. Now this day, that's focused on child and youth mental health actually really aligns with the topic that has been on my mind a lot over the last little while. And that is the idea of attention. I did a podcast a while back on generosity. And in that podcast, I quoted a man that I had heard say attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity. And I want to just say that again. Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity. When I heard that it really, really hit me. It really impacted me. But recently it's kind of been brought back to the forefront of my mind. And I just want to discuss it a little deeper today, and I'm going to mostly focus on doing better at paying attention to the people that we are in our closest relationships with. But I also know that this is going to apply to paying attention to the world around us, paying attention to ourselves, paying attention to our own minds, our own bodies, those kinds of things. Now, there are many things that distract us from paying attention. When I was little, I don't think there were distracted driving laws in place. Not that people didn't get distracted, but nowadays there are so many ways to get distracted when you're driving compared to 20 years ago. So now there are laws in place for this. I think distraction is one really sneaky way that we lose connection with our lives with ourselves. With the people around us with the road that we're driving on. Right. We are distracted by TV. We're distracted by our phones. We are distracted by the next new fad. We're distracted by our own stress. And these distractions have consequences too. The quality of our life. The quality of our relationships, the quality of our health. And the quality of the impact that we can have for good on those around us. So today I'm going to mostly focus on the distraction of smartphones. But this can apply to anything. So if smartphones, aren't your thing, aren't your distraction. I want you to consider other distractions that you may be falling prey to, that are making you miss out on what is real and right in front of you. I remember watching the movie patch Adams with Robin Williams. I don't know if you remember this show, but at the beginning of the show, he's in a psych hospital, I think. And he's talking to a psychiatrist about his life, right. Sharing about his childhood, what his current life looks like and just being very, very vulnerable. Meanwhile, the psychiatrist is writing in his notebook and then putting cream and sugar in his coffee. And even though he's quiet. Robin Williams character. He knows that he's not really listening to him. So at one point as Robin Williams is telling the story of his past and his life, he just starts to spout off the most ridiculous and nonsensical things in the exact same tone that he's been using to share all of his vulnerabilities with this doctor and the doctor doesn't even bat an eye. He just sips his coffee and then tells the patient look at you're making great progress. That scene really stuck with me because I think like everyone, I have the desire to be listened to and heard. And yet I am just as guilty as this doctor at times of listening to others, but not hearing them. I'm making dinner and my son is telling me a story and I'm going, uh huh. Yeah. But my mind is somewhere. Totally else. I'm solving some other problem or reliving some different moment and not paying attention at all to what he's saying. I have seen someone speaking to someone else. And they pick up their phone. And start doing, who knows what? Right in the middle of this other person talking to them and again, right. They're nodding their head there. Yeah. but they are totally distracted. They are no longer really paying attention to the person right in front of them. Whoever's on their phone, communicating with them has somehow become more important than the living, breathing human right in front of them. Now, maybe they do need to urgently text or take a call or whatever, but the fact is is that. They don't feel the need to politely excuse themselves from the conversation first. And that speaks volumes. As does just scrolling social media as someone who's speaking to you, it tells people through your actions that you don't really care about them. Or maybe it tells them that you care about them, but not that much. Remember what the child and youth mental health messages. I care about you. And too often, we are like the psychiatrist in the movie listening, but not hearing and giving the other person the message that we don't really care about them. And I want to be clear. I talked to enough parents and I coach enough people to know that many of you out there are wanting more of that human connection. Right. I hear things like my wife feels distant. My kid won't tell me what's going on. I feel like my friend and I just only talk about surface things now. Or I have so many friends on social media, but nobody can drive me to an eye appointment. We want to be connected with people in theory, but we are unwilling to set down our phones and communicate with them. One-on-one. I remember when I first started coaching and I told people that I was going to be coaching on sex and intimacy and marriage. And I had three or four men in that first week of kind of telling people, tell me how hard it was for them, because their wives were always on their phones. They're like if they have five seconds to relax, if we're kind of waiting around for something. If we're just imbed at night. My wife's on her phone. Now I know that this goes both ways. But validly, these men felt neglected. They at least they felt ignored. It's a problem. And it's a gift in some ways, right? Distractions, your smartphone may keep you from deep caring, connections and relationships, but it also keeps you from vulnerability and exposure to the things that are hard about life. When you are listening to someone, the quality of that listening is going to have a direct impact on what they're going to share with you. If you listen, well, if you are engaged, they can feel it. And you're going to increase the chance that they will share more with you. They will be more open. Now we all say that we want, that. We want to know our spouse, more, our children more. We want to know ourselves more, but at the same time, We kind of don't want to know. Because there can be responsibility in the knowing. If you put down your phone and really engage in a productive conversation with your child, where you are really paying attention to what they're saying and asking questions that match the information that they are giving you and being a really active, engaged listener. You may start to hear some things that are hard to know. You may find out that your child has no friends at school or that they've stolen something from a store and feel terrible about it. You may find out that they're actually super unhappy with you. Or that they hate themselves and don't really care to wake up in the morning. These are hard things to hear. And these are the things we all say as parents that we want to know, but we kind of don't want to know. And so our phones can become a shield to protect us from knowing what is hard to know. Does that make sense? So, like I said before, distractions keep us from connecting with ourselves and with our world and with others and we kind of hate it, but it also keeps us from being exposed to the vulnerabilities that are around us, including our own. It keeps us from being exposed to the hard truths. And so the phone can become a very addictive buffer. Because paying attention to someone is a really vulnerable thing to do. Not just because you might hear something that's hard to process or that may ruin your rose colored world, or that might kind of bring you into conflict it's vulnerable as well. Because when you pay really good attention to someone, you are clearly telling them, Hey, You matter to me, I care about you. And that actually feels really scary to many of us, because most of us wouldn't say those words out loud. It just feels very vulnerable to do that. So. Uh, acting out those feelings, that state, Hey, you matter to me and I care about you can also feel very uncomfortable and exposing. I walked into a living room about a month ago. And there were six people all sitting in the living room on their phones, except for one, one person was just sitting there in silence, kind of watching them all. And it struck me how socially immature we have all become. And I don't pretend to be any better here. I've got my own stuff. But it just seems so crazy that we can be in a room of other people and literally not pay attention to each other. And that no one in that room. Had the wherewithal to see that they were not only ignoring each other, but they were literally giving this one girl. Something that kind of felt like the silent treatment. And I thought what has happened that we can sit in a room with other people and not even notice each other, not pay any attention to each other, not engage or connect with one another. 30 years ago. I mean, even 20 years ago, if you were in a room with six people, all seated on a sofa, Even if you didn't know them, Eventually someone would start a conversation. And after an hour of sitting together, complete strangers would know each other's names and at least something about everyone in that room. But we have lost something. And maybe more than one thing. And I worry about my kids a lot around this, and maybe you see it to teenagers and young adults, especially have been able to hide on their phones and have never really learned maybe the good, good social skills. And because they don't have great social skills, then they want to hide behind their phones even more. They struggle, starting a conversation. They don't even have an inkling that it used to be considered bad manners to be in a room with other people and completely ignore them. Now I think they believe it's actually good manners, right? Like, listen, I'm not going to interrupt you. You're scrolling and you're not going to interrupt a mine. And we are good people, but they are lonely people. The virtual world, even with your. Friends who are on the other side of it can feel really hollow. And I don't get me wrong. I love that my mum can send me a message to tell me, Hey, We need you to join in praying for this uncle or this cousin who's struggling. Or that I can reconnect with someone. I may never see again in person. That is amazing that. Actually incredible and miraculous and such a blessing. And I also see that most of the connecting we're doing on our devices really for most people is social media. And we're connecting with people and a world we don't really care about and who should certainly not be more important than the people standing right in front of us. There was an experiment done called the still face experiment. So there was a baby, maybe one year old. I think they said, who was strapped into a high chair or some sort of chair like that. And the mother of the baby comes in and sits right in front of the baby. And starts to talk to the baby and play with the baby and look at what the baby's pointing at. And they're just having this really interactive, fun experience together. And then the mother turns her head for a moment. And when she turns back around, she has no expression on her face. She doesn't move or speak. She just stares still faced at the baby for two minutes. And at first, the baby kind of immediately tries to re-engage the mother, right? At points. It talks, it reaches out to try and touch the mother's face and you watch as eventually the child becomes so beside themselves, by getting no reaction from the mother. So it starts to cry and try and get out of the seat. And it really is in a lot of distress. But then the mother reengages with the baby and the baby settles down and reconnects with the mother and all is well. But watching it was quite uncomfortable for me. This little baby has no idea what's going on or how to get the mother to reconnect with her. And the baby's distress was really hard to watch. I don't actually know how the mother didn't just give up before the two minutes was over and be like, okay, I can't do this to my baby, but it made me think. How often are we still faced to those around us? They are trying to connect with us, but we are too distracted to pay attention and connect back. It makes people desperate. It makes people feel frantic. Lonely misunderstood. I don't just think we aren't paying attention to our relationships or our people. I think we were struggling to pay attention to ourselves. And again, I think at times we hated and at times we love it. Distractions can make it so that we don't have to feel those emotions that we feel afraid to feel. I know a lot of us use phones or TV or some other distraction tool to keep our anxiety down. Right. Or to keep us from feeling stressed in the moment. The problem is that distractions aren't problem solvers. They don't take away whatever's causing your anxiety or your stress. And so at times I see people get what I refer to as. Rebound emotion. Meaning that the emotion comes back even stronger. So there is something in the world of medicine known as rebound congestion. And this is when a person's nasal congestion actually gets worse because they overuse nasal decongestant sprays. So they use the spray too much. Their congestion feels better for a moment, but then it comes back with a vengeance. That's what I think happens when we use a distraction to buffer against a negative emotion. I think the more we use it, the more we scroll social media, when we feel stressed or anxious, for example, the more fierce the emotion comes back when we're done. Now it was probably not all the time. This is honestly strictly anecdotal, just what I've seen, not backed by any research, but I bring it up because I think we want to know ourselves better. We want to be open to a more authentic human experience. And in order to do that, we're going to have to stop using our phones and other things to distract us from ourselves. Be alone with your thoughts for a time, it may be uncomfortable, but I promise it will be very revealing. Okay. I'll admit that truly. This is honestly a bit of a soapbox issue for me. All of my kids will tell you that one of the things I probably say the most to them is get off your phone. And I do it a lot. But I don't want to be a hypocrite and I worry that I have been at times. And so this directive get off your phone that I give to my kids. I do my best to keep as well. I use my phone a lot. I text, I look at emails, I read my scriptures. I listened to podcast. I make grocery lists and to do lists. Like I love all that. My phone makes easy in my life. But it also matters to me that as much as possible, I don't let my phone become a distraction in my life to the things that matter most. If my kids come to talk to me and I'm in the middle of a text. I am practicing asking them to wait for a moment while I finished my text. And then I can just put my phone down. Or if I get a call while I'm in a conversation, I ignore it unless I really feel it needs to be answered. And then I try and do my best to excuse myself politely before answering it. If someone calls me when I'm working on my computer, I am requiring myself to get up and walk away from my computer because it's too tempting for me to keep typing away while I try and talk. And then I end up not paying attention. I don't share this with you because I'm this perfect example. You should all follow. I am sharing this because over the years I had hidden behind distractions of my own. Sometimes even my phone and I feel really bad about it. I have not paid attention. Like I should have to the people that matter the most to me, I have not paid attention to myself either. And I have let myself hide and distractions. And so now as I work on this, I have to constantly remind myself that paying attention to what is real and right in front of me matters to me. I have to remind myself that how I pay attention, sends a message to this person that I'm talking with. And I always want that message to be, you matter to me, I care about you. And so I am practicing attention. I have so much work to do. As, you know, as soon as you go to solve a problem, you start to see all the ways that it shows up in your life. So I see a lot of ways that I need to do better, but I want to invite all of you to join me on this quest to pay better attention. People are lonely. People want connection. They want to know that they matter. Not just to the people who liked their posts, but to the real people in their lives. We used to be so connected because real interactions were all we had. And we've swung way far to the other side where we're on this virtual connection almost exclusively. Uh, stair Parral calls at AI. Artificial intimacy. Just think about that when she said that, I thought, wow. Yeah. Artificial intimacy is what we are experiencing and we're kind of sick of it. It is easier than real connection in some ways. Right. But it's hollow. More and more research is telling us that humans need more real, tangible connections, more in-person live gathering. It makes me think about my daughter's wedding. So we'd had a few family weddings right in the heart of COVID right. Small. Private weddings outside. Right. And even on the fringes of COVID, we had some weddings and honestly, they were beautiful and fun and just worked out so perfectly, given the restrictions. But then in September, my daughter got married and she had an amazing turnout of support and that was really wonderful, but it was the dance. That was just something else. So many people danced their hearts out. Almost literally the little kids all the way up to the grandparents were just rocking it. And the energy in the room was honestly electric. And it almost felt like the universe had just sighed a sigh of relief and then broke into celebration at the opportunity to finally be in community with each other, again, to feel the energy of one another and to feed off of it. I think everyone in that room didn't even know how much we had all missed it until we were in the throws of it together. And we all realized we have missed this so much. We have missed this togetherness, this unity, this connection. I want to encourage you to find ways to pay better attention. Better attention to your life, to the world. To yourself and especially to your people. Put down your phone. Go hiking with a group of people. I love my hiking people with such deep love because I connect with nature and with each of them, and it just fills my cup. With most people. I like to listen first. And then once enough time's passed, I start to talk more freely and openly. So on a long hike, I know that eventually I'm going to be staying more than I ever planned to say. But when you're on the mountain with no distractions and with others who are also not distracted, you were completely open to paying attention to one another and really hearing each other. And it feels so good. Play a board game or a card game. When you're driving, ask your teenager to put their phone down and just let them talk if they will. Go on a walk together. Set rules for yourself with your cell phone. I know many of you have tried this and failed, but I encourage you to try again, keep trying until you stop failing. I have my get up from the computer when someone calls rural and I'm working on it and I'm willing to fail at it over and over again until I get it right. You don't need to give up your phone. I'm unwilling to give up mine. But I want to encourage you to look at the distractions that are keeping you from paying attention and decide how you want to handle them. I want to come back to the child and youth mental health awareness statements from the beginning. This day is specifically set aside to focus on building caring connections between young people and the caring adults in their lives. Or we could say, we want to focus today on building caring connections between ourselves and the people in our lives. The website goes on to say, we know having caring, connected conversations can have a big impact on the mental health of children and youth. And I would say that having caring, connected conversations can have a big impact on our mental health and the mental health of others. Lastly, it says, I care about you is our May 7th message. Let's make, I care about you. Our message as well, everyone. I care about all of you. I know, I don't know you all personally, but I do this podcast because I care. Have a great week, everyone. Bye. Thanks for listening today. If you like what you hear on the podcast, and you'd like to learn more, feel free to head over to my website. Jamilin Stephan coaching.com or find me on Instagram or Facebook at Jamileh. step in coaching.