Practising Self Compassion When Trying To Conceive - With Dr Lauren Rockliffe

Dr Lauren Rockliffe is a Chartered Health Pyschologist and pregnancy health coach and founder of Bloomwell Pregnancy supporting women throughout any stage of their fertility and pregnancy journey. 

In todays episode we discuss: 

The emotional impact of TTC, triggers and how hard & overwhelming it can all be 
Tools to help manage this and foster self compassion 
How self compassion can help with TTC and why its important 
Practical tools and tips for cultivating Self Compassion  

You can book a free call with Lauren via her website or follow her on instagram at @bloomwellpregnancy 

Transcript

Unknown: 0:00

Hi, I'm Rachel Sherriff, and welcome to the fertility suite podcast. Our aim is to educate and empower couples who are struggling with all aspects of fertility. By giving you the information to make informed decisions along the way. We've had a little rebrand since series one, we were formerly the fertility method podcast. But in this second series, rest assured, we still have the same high standard of fertility experts coming to share their knowledge and support you. So if you are struggling with fertility, miscarriage or you just want to arm yourself with the facts, then this podcast is for you. Hi, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of the fertility suite podcast and joining us this week, we have Dr. Lauren Rockcliffe. And Lauren is a chartered health psychologist and a pregnancy health coach. And she wants Blum Well, pregnancy, which supports women throughout any stage of their pregnancy journey. So welcome, Lauren. Hi, Rachel. It's lovely to be here. Thanks for coming. Do you want to just introduce yourself a little bit further and tell our listeners a little bit more about yourself? Yeah, definitely. So yes, my name is Lauren. I'm a health psychologist and pregnancy health coach. And like you said, I run blue mile pregnancy, which is a pregnancy focused health coaching service. And so in terms of my background, and where I got to how I got to be here, I initially worked in academia. And that's sort of my background was for the longest time was in academia. So I started off working in women's health research. Since from about like, 2013, for about five years, I worked in that sort of area. And so I've always had a passion for sort of supporting women's health and well being. And then in 2018, I went to I went to do a PhD at Manchester University, which was looking at behaviour, behaviour change during pregnancy. And trying to understand whether or not pregnancy provides a window of opportunity for healthy behaviour change. And I completed my training in health psychology alongside doing my PhD. And then after graduating, I set up my health coaching business, which is what I'm doing now. And yeah, as as we were saying, it's a, it's pregnancy focused health coaching. But it's also the scope of that goes beyond that. So it's for anyone who's looking to try for a baby who's trying to conceive anyone who's currently pregnant, and anyone who's recently had a baby as well. Amazing, I'm always in awe of anyone who's done a PhD, such a massive commitment, like, but so fascinating at the same time, and one interesting area to do it in as well. So yeah, amazing. So today, we're gonna talk about the emotional impact of trying to conceive, loads of our listeners will know exactly what I mean, when I talk about that, you know, trying to get pregnant is such, I mean, I hate the term roller coaster, because that implies that some part of it is enjoyable, right. But like, it is a roller coaster of emotions, there's so many things to think about. So many triggers. And you know, it's I think it's multifaceted. There's multi, there's so many different, different layers around it. I mean, you must come into contact with clients on a daily basis that, you know, have this conversation with you. Like, what do you think like, the main emotions and triggers around sort of struggling to get pregnant are? I think, honestly, it differs so much, or the individual, everybody's going to experience it really differently. But obviously, there are some common themes. I think there's a lot around feeling sad and frustrated, feeling like there's a lack of control about the outcome. You know, that kind of anxiety that sits with not knowing how things are going to pan out whether or not you're actually going to get what it is that you want. And I think for some people as well, it can trigger feelings of sort of guilt and shame, perhaps fear of letting people down. I think, in this area, it has a tendency to trigger and to tap into sort of all negative beliefs that people hold about themselves. So I think there's, there are definitely times when it can tap into sort of people's beliefs about not feeling good enough or feeling inadequate, which can be quite problematic, and then obviously, sort of impacts on feelings of well being and people's experience of life more broadly. Yeah, absolutely. As women were told from a young age on me, like, you know, it's we're kind of educated to believe that it's almost too easy to get pregnant. You know, you're told don't look at a boy because you'll get pregnant, you know, you must use a condom. No one ever talks about not getting pregnant or that it might be a little bit difficult. So when that happens, which it does for a lot of people, right, it's it's so common. When that happens, you're then led to think there's you know, What's wrong with me one, that inadequacy? And that shame that surrounds that? You know, it can be a massive issue, right? Yeah, absolutely feeling like there's something wrong with you. It's just yeah, like you say, coming from a place of expectation, I suppose it's when our realities don't meet our expectations, and believing that, that, like you say, it's possibly going to be too easy to get pregnant. And when that doesn't happen, it just, it lends to all of these really, really hard emotions that you're then sat with and having to deal with. Yeah, and I think, again, often we're told, Oh, just relax, you'll get pregnant. And when you're dealing with those negative emotions, you think, Oh, I'm not relaxed, or I'm stressed, and it's like this vicious cycle, then you're then telling yourself, well, I can't get pregnant because I can't relax. You know, it's like, it feeds that cycle. Yeah, absolutely. Just the cycle of self blame in lots of different ways. I think, yeah, it's such an issue. So like, what would be like one of the tools or a couple of the tools that would help people manage this, like, if I was a client coming to you with these issues, and these feelings and emotions, like, what would be some of the tools that you would give me that could help? Well, I think there's lots of different things really, that can help. But I think most importantly, sort of to start with, it would be about actually acknowledging those emotions, and giving space to them. Because I think, you know, at the root of a lot of a lot of our distress is often suppressed, avoidant emotions. And it's really, really important not to do that, because I think it's, it's only going to come up in sort of, in more destructive ways, if we, if we suppress those emotions, and try to pretend that we're not feeling them. I quite like the the analogy of sort of, if you're, if you're in a swimming pool with a ball, and you're holding the ball under the water, you can hold it there for so long, but after so much time, it's going to shoot back up to the surface and potentially smack you in the face. And it's a little bit the same with emotions that you know, you can hold them down for so long, but when when they come to the surface, it's likely that they're going to come up with more ferocity than they may otherwise have done, and maybe more difficult to deal with. So that's where I would be starting is to encourage people to, to open up about what it is that they're feeling to know that feelings are valid, whatever they are, however, they're feeling they're completely understandable and valid, to start naming those emotions, because that's something that some people do struggle with in terms of actually identifying is it? Is it anxiety? Is it is it shame? Is it guilt, you know, actually getting clear on what it is that you're feeling? And trying to observe them objectively, and not becoming too fused with those feelings to try and take a step back from what it's what it is you're feeling? And maybe in that moment, trying to identify where in your body feeling it and, you know, what does that viscerally what does that feel like? And so getting in touch with those emotions, and allowing yourself to experience them, and talking about them, either with a loved one or professional perhaps. And also journaling, I think is a really great tool for this as well to try and like process and work through and understand what it is that you're feeling in that moment. I've recently started journaling, and I have to say, it's been a game changer, like not for fertility, but just genuinely like I and I was a little bit sceptical. And it's been really, really helpful. So I would encourage anyone listening if you have not tried journaling, to do so like get on, get on board with that, give it a go. You never know until you try it. Right. I love that ball analogy as well. Like, that's actually really helpful for people who are made perhaps more visual, you know, to understand what you mean, when you talk about like suppressing emotions. So, I know we talked before a little bit about self compassion. And like how that can help with people that are struggling to get pregnant and why it's important. Like, can you just explain a little bit more about actually what self compassion is? And what that looks like? Because I think it's really easy to put labels and names to things and actually not know what that looks like. So like, what does self compassion mean? Well, so self compassion, it's basically showing yourself sort of the kindness that you would show to other people in times of struggle or distress. And there are sort of three components of self compassion when you're thinking about it. So it involves mindfulness. So that is the ability to sort of sit with those feelings and emotions, and to experience them without any judgement. And it's really important part of self compassion, actually, because you can't truly be compassionate to those experiences that you're having if you are sort of ignoring them, or or avoiding those feelings. So you need to be aware to be compassionate to your out. So that's the first component of it. And the second component is self kindness, which obviously does what it says on the tin, in terms of sort of being kind and understanding towards ourselves in those moments when we feel like we're struggling. And then the last component is common humanity. And that is basically the idea that we all have a shared experience in this life, you know, suffering, and a feeling of inadequacy is completely part of the shared human experience it that's just what it means to be human, to be imperfect to feel like we failed to make mistakes, or to face challenges. That's such a normal part of being human. And we'll share that. And so especially in terms of sort of having difficulty trying to conceive, I think it's around one in seven couples that have trouble conceiving. And so actually, on that basis, it's a very, it's, it is a common experience, and you are united in that kind of human experience with other people as well. And so that's sort of what self compassion involves. But I think it's important to say as well, that self compassion, I think, sometimes people get confused with the idea of self care and self compassion. So just to sort of differentiate self care would be doing something kind for yourself, like an act yourself. So it might be taking some time out to go and get a massage, for example, that is an act of self care. And if you did that, and then on the way home, you then sort of rated yourself for taking the timeout and feeling guilty that you shouldn't have given yourself time to indulge yourself. That's not being self compassionate. So So being self compassionate is the piece where it's how you talk to yourself. It's, it's allowing yourself knowing that you deserve to have that time and being kind to yourself. But doing that, so I guess self care is what you do. And self compassion is how you speak to yourself. Yeah, how you talk to yourself, right? Like, often we can offer lots of compassion to other people. But that voice in your head, and like that conversation you have with your head can be completely different to how you would talk to other people, right? Yeah. Absolutely. I think yeah, shocking, actually, once you start noticing it, because I think we the way that we talk to ourselves, we're just not aware of it a lot of the time, unless you're actually making an active decision to tune in and try and be more aware of what that voice in your head is saying. It's, you know, it can be shocking when you actually do realise the way that the way that you're talking to yourself, like other people wouldn't tolerate you talking to them like that, nor would you. So why we do it to ourselves is just Yeah. It's not, and when I come to think about, like, the couples I work with, who are struggling to conceive or struggling with loss, like, that's a theme that comes up time and time again, is that like, self blame and shame? And, like, yeah, how you're how you're speaking to yourself in your head, like, it is a real issue for couples that are struggling to conceive. I think like, it's really clear. From people's behaviours, you know, when I'm working one to one with people, I can tell from the way they're talking in their behaviours, that they're not giving themselves that self compassionate, it's actually quite hard to teach yourself that you always have to change. Like the neurological, what's the word I'm looking for, like the programming like, like, you actually have to change that. I think it's quite an innate thing that we're sort of built to maybe speak to ourselves more negatively, like it will maybe it's a learned behaviour. I'm sure you can elaborate a bit further on that. But yeah, I mean, how do you kind of fix that? If you're in this, like, pattern of like, not being self compassionate to yourself? What tips would you give to people? To like, not fix that? Because that's maybe the wrong word. But like, yeah, like, if you're, if you aren't doing that, like, how do you change that? Yeah, so I think that the, the important thing to point out is actually, that it is something that you can change. So it's not that either you are a self compassionate person, or you're not, it is something that with practice, and with time, you actually can cultivate a greater sense of self compassion. And, you know, it depends how you want to do it, you, you could work with a professional, you could have therapy, and work with somebody in a safe space to try and do that and they can help support you in, in that, but in the absence of that, there are things that you can do yourself, which just take practice and, and sort of committing to, to practising those techniques on, you know, on a daily basis on a regular basis. I think the first thing obviously, is to become aware of, of the way that we're talking to ourselves. And sort of addressing it in the moment when when you do hear that voice, you know, trying to counteract it trying to maybe consider or act Usually, what will my friends say to me in this situation? What would I say to a friend. And that's quite a simple way of just sort of addressing it in the moment, I think there's more targeted things that you could do as well. So one of them would be spending some time journaling. And I know that's something that we already touched upon. But in terms of developing greater self compassion journaling can be a really useful, useful exercise. And it can be helpful to journal around sort of those three, the three components of self compassion that I was describing earlier, in terms of mindfulness, self kindness, and common humanity. So and what I mean by that is sort of by providing prompts to journal on around mindfulness. So what is it that you're experiencing in that moment? What what emotions are coming up for you? What is the situation that's made you feel triggered, like getting clear and objective about how it is that you're feeling? And then using a prompt around self kindness? So writing some really sort of empathetic, compassionate kind words to yourself that you need to hear in that moment? And then using a prompt around common humanity and writing down? How is that experience that you're, that you know, that thing that you're experiencing in that moment? How is that connected to the greater human experience? And how is it like, does it feel like it's normal? And actually, if you reflect on it, is that is that something that other people are going through as well, and that you can feel connected to in that way? So that's, that's quite an easy one, I suppose. If you're someone who likes journaling, some people hate it. But journaling, I think is, yeah, that's, that's a good tip, I think there are a couple of other things that you could try. So there's an exercise called compassionate hand exercise. And it's basically, you know, in those moments, where you're feeling very overwhelmed with critical thoughts, and being very hard on yourself, just taking some time to sit down and sort of placing your hand on your chest, and sort of just trying to save yourself and sending compassion inwards. And just sitting with yourself for a moment, just with, you could either have your hands like on your chest, on your heart, or you might want to give yourself like a little hug. The idea is that physical touch activates the parasympathetic nervous system. And when the person parasympathetic nervous, nervous system is activated, that's when we feel most soothed and relaxed. You know, that's when we're in a state of rest and digest. And that's actually what we want to be doing is trying to move ourselves into that state. So yeah, physical touch can do that. So that's something that you can do for yourself in those moments, sort of just sending compassion in words, with with the touch of your hand. And you could also write yourself a letter, if it's this sort of along the same, the same line of journaling, I suppose, but writing yourself a letter from the perspective of a compassionate friend. So it doesn't have to be somebody that you know, it could be someone that you know, who's like, particularly compassionate. But it could be someone imagined, and just trying to write a letter to yourself in that moment, saying, I know you're struggling, I know you're finding this really hard, but actually, you know, XYZ, just writing everything that you need to hear in that moment, but from the perspective of somebody else, because it's obviously in those moments, it's difficult to show yourself, you know, to write a letter to yourself from your perspective, because you're the one that's been really hard on yourself. So from the perspective of somebody else, can be really useful. And then that's something that you can you can read back at other points when you're feeling like you're being overly critical. But also that just the process of writing that should be helpful and cathartic in itself. I think what you touched on about that fight or flight is so important. And that parasympathetic nervous system again, like so many of our patients and clients that we work with online, are in that state where the nervous system is so ramped up. And again, it's like you were where you're at with your how you feel presently often has so much to do with your previous experience and like your anxieties about the future, often based around your previous experience, right? So, you know, lots of couples who've maybe struggled with, you know, years of infertility or, you know, recovering miscarriage or rounds of IVF that have been unsuccessful, your body gets into this negative loop and you end up in that fight or flight, you're like, What am I going to have to deal with next, like, it's almost like you're so wrapped up, that actually getting yourself out of that can be quite tricky, and like even recognising that you're in that can be quite difficult. And certainly when we're using acupuncture in the clinic, that's something we're often working with. It's like getting people out of that fight or flight. It's always really good to have things you can do at home, right that don't cost anything that you can do yourself and like something as simple as just giving yourself a hug, like or just putting your hand on your chest. You know, actually I've heard a lot about tapping those sorts of things again, It's not like calming the nervous system. Right? Yeah, exactly that, like I think that's, that's really important. And in terms of Yeah, trying to reduce your threat response. And by doing exercises that are going to activate your parasympathetic nervous system, self compassion is one of those things. But there are obviously other things that you can do to try and help regulate your emotions and to move yourself into that state. And I think breathing exercises are really good. A really good approach. There's something called soothing rhythm breathing, which, if you Google that there, there will be lots of sort of like YouTube videos and instruction on how to do that. But that breathing in a certain rhythm that activates the brain's soothing system, and it's a slightly slower and deeper way of breathing than you normally would. But doing that regularly can help move you into that more soothing state and out of the threat system. There are things like progressive muscle relaxation, different meditations, grounding exercises, and things like that can help as well. But also sort of identifying self soothing activities, and sort of almost making a list of things that you find comforting. So that might be going for a walk in nature, that might be listening to a certain piece of music, having a bath, lighting, some scented candles, it might be getting into bed with a hot water bottle, or just watching your favourite Netflix series, or whatever it is actually making a list of what those activities are. So that in those moments, when you feel that your threat responses really heightened, you're you know, you're experiencing a high degree of distress and emotion, that you actually have a list to go to and be like, What can I What can I do that's going to help and it might only just take the edge off, you know, having a bath isn't going to peak, everything, everything better. But it's just about trying to move you into that more soothing, soothing state and moving into that parasympathetic nervous system state. I think that's so important. Because what's right for one person is not right for another Right? Like I you know, if you told me to meditate that not a cat not a chance in hell, like I really I don't understand it, I can't do it. I find it frustrating. But if you ask me to run a hot bath, yeah, I'm here for that. And so every one is completely different. And it is working out what you're like soothing mechanisms are all the things that you find calming, right? And something again, we use in the clinic quite a lot is sort of saying to patients, like do what makes you happy, do what make gives you a bit of joy and takes you out of that nervous system fight or flight response for sure. Is there anywhere people can go? Like where can you get more information on the sorts of things that we've talked about today? So, yeah, so Well, I think in terms of sort of like meditations and sort of like breathing exercises and things like that, YouTube is just a really good place to start. They've got loads of free, free videos that people can follow. And there is a really good website, which is self compassion.org. It's self hyphen, compassion.org. And that is full of different resources, actually. So it's, it's a website of Dr. Kristin Neff, who's one of the pioneers in the study of self compassion. And it's just yeah, there are so many, there are so many free resources on there. There's lots of information about self compassion, courses, free five day self compassion challenges and self compassion tests. There's just like lots and lots there, I would highly recommend that website, actually. And there are also sort of self compassion courses online that you can find as well, if that's something that you want to want to explore. Sounds like there's loads of resources. I had no idea there was so much information out there. But yeah, the internet is a great place. Right? You can, you know, there's so many benefits to having access to this information nowadays, we need to use it. So what like if, if I was a listener thinking, oh, yeah, I really understand what Lauren's saying. Like, they feel like they're really connected with what you're saying. And they would like to work with you like how do you work with couples who are struggling to conceive? Like, what do you offer? And what sort of support can you offer? And then how would people go about finding you or getting in touch? So what I offer at the moment is I offer a sort of one off one off health coaching session, which is 90 minutes long. So that's for anyone who just sort of wants to think about their goals and get clear on their motivations and what they're going to be doing going forward. I also offer a three month coaching package, which again, is focusing on making lifestyle changes and supporting people to do that over the longer term. And obviously, with that, I take a compression focused approach and everything that I do, and that really informs the way that I work with people. But actually something that I'm going to be introducing over. I'm going to be doing this in the next couple of months. offering a new package, which is one to one sessions focused solely on developing self compassion. So it actually won't be anything to do with making healthy lifestyle changes, it's going to be for people who feel that they are struggling with that sort of like inner critic and that self criticism and actually need a space to work towards a place of more compassion. So that's something that's going to be available over the coming months. And if anybody is interested to find out more about that about what I do, or to get in touch, they can visit my website, which is blue mould pregnancy.co.uk. Or they can contact me directly at Lauren at do more pregnancy.co.uk or on Instagram, which is just at bloomer pregnancy. So lots of different ways to get in touch if anyone's interested. Brilliant, we will be looking you up on the ground, Lauren. So for anyone listening, I will put those details in the Episode Notes. So if you didn't get time to jot them down, and you want to go and have a look, you can click on the link in the Episode Notes, and that'll take you straight through to Lauren's website. Yeah, thank you so much. That was super helpful. And I think it's really important to talk about these areas when it comes to people, you know, struggling to get pregnant or struggling with loss or unsuccessful IVF. I think there's so many things that we don't talk about in terms of like how you'd like we've discussed today, you know, how you talk to yourself is can really make a difference in how the experience of all of this rubbish nests, actually, you know, how you process it and how you come out the other side. None of it's easy to deal with. And I think having self compassion can change the experience substantially. So thank you for giving our listeners some practical advice and guidance. Thank you very much for having me. It's lovely. Thanks, Lauren.