The In-Between with Elizabeth Cheney

In-Between: Feeling Your Feelings with Steph Laffey

• Elizabeth Cheney • Episode 120

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Welcome back special guest Steph Laffey from the Stay Introverted podcast! sidenote - Steph also co-hosts two other podcasts—Hey Bestie Podcast and the Human AF Podcast. 

This episode isn't our pitch for Inside Out 3, but we do end up having a conversation around feelings, what it takes to truly understand them, and have the courage to sit with them. Steph shares her journey with her mental health and emotional well-being. 

In this episode: 

  • We deep into how turning 30 brought a newfound sense of confidence and self-awareness for Steph
  • The impact of COVID-19 as a catalyst for change,
  • Steph details her experience rediscovering emotions and learning to manage and accept them
  • Valuable advice on personal development - focusing on the importance of self-love and understanding one's feelings

Keep up with Steph at IG @introspective_af 

Don't forget to rate, review, subscribe, and follow!

Connect with me:
https://in-between.co
@in.betweenpod on Instagram
@elizabethcheney_ on Instagram
@theinbetweenpodcast on TikTok
The In-Between Podcast on YouTube

Elizabeth:

Hey, hey, hey, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of the in between podcast. And I have such a special guest for you all today. You may remember a few months back. I had the state introverted podcast hosts on the pod. I know you do because I got lots of great feedback from that. Well, I have Steph Laffey otherwise known as Steph Lafey on the podcast today. Uh, yes. She's not joined by her partner, but that's also because she hosts two other podcasts. So yes, that is three in total. I can't wait to find out how she, how she manages that mentally. I just want to say, but any who, uh, Steph, you are somebody I met on the internet and we've become fast friends and I love it. So welcome to the in between again. And, uh, yeah. This is Steph LaFay.

Steph:

It's an honor to be invited back. Thank you for having me again. I'm so excited for a conversation.

Elizabeth:

I know. I feel like not like so much has happened since we last spoke, but let's see, you turned 30, right? You had your 30th birthday and then, uh, welcome to the 30 club. Honestly, it's a little bit better in my opinion than my twenties because I know who I am. You know, like I'm more confident in who I am as a person and like, I'm not like comparing myself to everyone at like I was kind of thing. So it's great. But then you also launched your two other podcasts. So you were already the host of stay introverted, but then you launched the Hey Bestie with your best friend, right?

Steph:

Um, so my best, my online bestie,

Elizabeth:

Online bestie. Yes, yes, yes, yes. and then the human AF, uh, podcasts, which that kind of dives more into like the deeper life things, kind of like the stuff that we talk about, like we did on, on our episodes together. So you've been busy girl.

Steph:

I have been busy, but you know what's crazy is I don't feel as anxious as I did when I was in my 20s. It's like, I just feel like life is just, it's all coming together. It's all making sense. Like all the pieces are clicking and I feel less anxious, less stressed, less overwhelmed. Like more like myself.

Elizabeth:

Love

Steph:

weird. I'm like

Elizabeth:

It's very weird to be happy.

Steph:

No, it's, I mean, I love it. I love this for me. I hope it lasts. I don't know if it will. Life has a way of like, you know, throwing me, in chaos whenever I get used to it. Um, but, I don't know. I just feel like I'm just, I have a lot going on. But also, I feel like I somehow have less going on than most people see on the outside. If that makes sense.

Elizabeth:

No, I, I understand that. So you just kind of felt like overall, once you turn 30, something was in the air, like you just kind of felt a different level of, I don't know, maybe confidence, but just like, I don't know, general judge of yourself, I guess.

Steph:

it was almost, the anticipation of turning 30 was freaking me out. Like, I was like, oh my god, I'm gonna be 30 and now I have to like, know all these things and do all these things. And then I turned 30 and I didn't know anything else and I was fine. I didn't die. Yeah.

Elizabeth:

So I mean, I'm going to be 70 learning like new things like, Oh, that's how you open up a savings account. No, I'm just kidding. Just kidding.

Steph:

You know what? I agree and I'm not kidding. I will be 70 trying to figure that out.

Elizabeth:

You know, maybe by the time I'm 73, I would have opened up a Roth IRA and I'm sure all my finance people listening are cringing so hard right now, but, uh, sorry about it. I have lots of strengths, but that's not one of them.

Steph:

Yeah. Me too, girl.

Elizabeth:

Oh gosh, well the first thing I want to talk about is how in the heck do you manage three podcasts as a host and work a full time job and seemingly keep your, your shit together?

Steph:

So, well, thank you. So, that is a really good question. It's a question that I've had to think about a lot because I get that question a lot. Um, cause people are like, are you insane? I'm like, yes. Um, but also, I think it's because I have a co host for each one.

Elizabeth:

Ah, I could see

Steph:

And, we all have sort of learned our strengths and weaknesses when it comes to the podcast. For me, like, I have figured out that my strengths are all the behind the scenes stuff.

Elizabeth:

Got it.

Steph:

like, my co hosts do all the front facing stuff, so, like, the marketing and promotion of it, and the social media side, where I do, like, the outreach, the scheduling, like, the building relationship side. And because those are my strengths, and I get to lean into them, it doesn't take me that long.

Elizabeth:

Right.

Steph:

And, yeah, like, same with them. I'm like, When we were trying to all do the things that, like, weren't in our, in our strength box. I don't know if that's the right,

Elizabeth:

I like it. Strength box.

Steph:

Yeah, when we, when we weren't doing our strength box, we were, like, all struggling. Because, like, so, for example, I was doing social media for Stay Introverted. I hate, like, people don't realize, I actually don't like being on social media. I just like the connections that I've made. So, like, like, Jay is really good at pumping out reels, for example, and Jay is my co host on the Staged Reader podcast so for him, like, pumping out 5, 6, 7 clips takes 45 minutes, whereas for me, it takes me like an hour to make one. Like, I just, I don't have that, like, ability. But for him, listening to the episode and Figuring out the clip times and the show notes is really difficult. But that's easy for me.

Elizabeth:

Got it.

Steph:

So, once we like, switched our roles, it was like, it just all made sense. And now, I would say, I was just telling somebody today, cause they were asking about like, how to start a podcast. Um, I was telling them it really only takes for all three podcasts, maybe, I don't know, 10 hours total a week, max?

Elizabeth:

Dang. That is about what I do by myself, but I'm by myself doing everything. So, but but that's, uh, that's really impressive. And I just want to call out that is like, not just impressive, but you. You didn't bring on the other two podcasts until you had a better like I guess like management of, all right, let's, let's rick a rick a rewind here, Jay. I think maybe we could flip, flip switch, and then like, because of that, you're able to take on more responsibility, push out more content, do more things that fulfill your heart, your soul, whatever, your, your energy, and not get burned out. So that's super impressive.

Steph:

so I have to stop you right there because I can't take credit where credit is not due. I started the other two podcasts before I figured out that I was not doing things effectively and then I was like, I did hit a wall and I was like,

Elizabeth:

Then you crash and burned.

Steph:

Yeah, this is not working. we need to rewind and like, figure out our roles here. So I definitely, it was not like this, like, six weeks ago. But like, I had to hit that wall and be like, this is not the most effective way to run things. Like, let's do a little switcheroo.

Elizabeth:

but that's also really, really impressive to say, because then what you did was you hit burnout and instead of just like spiraling and internalizing it, and maybe you did a little bit, I don't want to assume, but you were like, okay, let's pivot. And you know, what's so funny is I feel like here recently, like the past several weeks, Pivoting has been like a strong theme in all my episodes and I don't even mean for that. It just keeps happening. It's like pivoting and then the power of starting and you are a great example of, yep, I just started. I brought on the other two and then I realized, oh shit, crap, you know, I am.

Steph:

Yes.

Elizabeth:

we pivot I just like to call that out cause I know there's lots of people who listen who are creatives or they're going to launch a business, this or that. it's a good reminder that everyone runs into walls and hiccups And

Steph:

Oh yeah.

Elizabeth:

It doesn't make everything crumble or fall to pieces. You just keep going, you adjust. and it's easy for us to be in it and now know that lesson and be like, oh yeah, that's just part of like the process. I'm going to keep bee bopping. But if you haven't started the process yet, that is very overwhelming and like kind of intimidating.

Steph:

Yeah. when I remember like, when Jake first told me like, oh let's start a podcast. Like at the time, like I really didn't have anything going on. that I could like say like, oh I, I, this is what I do in the online space. I was just kind of like, I don't know what I was doing at that point. Not really much. But I was, the idea of starting a podcast stressed me out beyond belief.

Elizabeth:

Yeah.

Steph:

And then I just did it. And then it was fine.

Elizabeth:

Yeah, I remember when I did my first episode. It's like eight minutes long and I was scared. I was so scared. And I was like, um, Hi, this is my first episode. I don't know what I'm doing. And then, but look, here we are. Like, you just gotta start. You just have to start. to start and it may suck. It may suck and that's okay. That is okay. Like you're not going to know you're not going to change or evolve it, you know, until you try. So lots of development, it sounds like personal development. And I, I want to kind of call back to our episode when you and Jay were on representing the state introverted podcast, you were talking about. Like, we were talking about how you, you two discovered introversion. Not like, discovered introversion like it's a thing, but you know what

Steph:

We, we found it. We were first. Fuck off, Carl Jung.

Elizabeth:

ha! Right, right? Oh god, we were just bebopping down the street and we saw a clerb. I'm just kidding. Uh, anyways. I don't know why I said bebop twice now in the past five minutes, but that's okay.

Steph:

word. It's a new word.

Elizabeth:

My friend sent me one. She was like skedaddle. I was like skedaddle. I haven't heard that one in a while. So watch me use that here shortly. Um, but anyways, when you and Jay were talking about like how you found the term introvert or introversion and you identified with it. And I remember you specifically talking about, you were always trying to fit into these boxes that really they weren't fitting. You were trying to make yourself fit into something that wasn't designed for you. And I remember you talked a little bit about like partying, not like you were like crazy, crazy, but

Steph:

Oh, I was crazy.

Elizabeth:

but you know, but like, because you were trying to kind of mask yourself. And, um, since we recorded, I have done an episode with one of my friends, that was talking about neurodiversity and she was talking to me about masking and, I've heard that term before, but like really, Like thinking about what that means. And that's what you were doing. And I'm sure a lot of us do it when we feel, I don't want, I don't want to be super dramatic and say rejected by society, but like, I'm sure a lot of us have felt that way. At least to some extent. And so masking is what you do when you're like, well, I'm going to try to fit, even though this isn't who I am. So I just kind of want to talk about since you have found, Hey, I'm an introvert. This is what my energy levels are like. This is what fuels me. This is what energizes me. How has that changed your life and how like did, has that started any more personal development? Like how has that journey looked?

Steph:

Oh, yeah. So, I think for the longest time, like, you know, I just wanted to be, like, liked and accepted and loved and, you know, like, I wanted people to, to just like Steph. But I didn't really know what that meant. Like, what, like, who is stuff? Like, How can they like me if I don't even know who I am, I guess?

Elizabeth:

Mmm.

Steph:

how can they like me if I'm not even sure if I like me? Because I'm not even sure who I am. So, I think that was Oh, I'm about to get real deep.

Elizabeth:

Oh, that's got goosebumps.

Steph:

too. Uh oh. So, I think That sort of opened up like this can of worms where I was like, okay, well the first thing that I know about myself is that I'm an introvert. So what does that mean to me? Like, and then just going down the rabbit hole and like asking all these questions, what does it mean to be an introvert? well, it just means that I draw my energy from within and I need to recharge and I You know, like to be with myself sometimes and, and that's okay. And just giving myself permission to ask more questions and get really curious about like what my introversion meant. And then that opened up even more things like, okay, yes, I'm an introvert, but I also have a quirky sense of humor. What does that mean to me? What does that mean to like, to show it off to people? What does that mean to allow that to? Kind of be the way that I talk and, and engage and whatever. it just really allows me to go down all these different little pathways in discovering like who I am. like another thing is I am very a DD and

Elizabeth:

I can relate to that.

Steph:

yeah. And like all of these different things. are just little parts of like the whole of like who is stuff. And so I kept getting really curious and like going down all these tangents and rabbit holes and instead of trying to mask them, as you were saying, or instead of trying to deny them,

Elizabeth:

Mm hmm.

Steph:

I started to just allow them to just be, you know? It is what it is. Bye. And, the more that I just accepted and held space for each of these little parts of me that make me who I am, the more easy it was to just not feel like it was all these like little fragmented pieces, but like, I was able to show up as like a whole version of myself all the time. Um,

Elizabeth:

I just allow myself to be, whatever this part of me is. I'm addressing. What do you mean by that? so if you are a really loud laugher, I know that sounds silly, but like, let's just go with that. Like you are a louder person. Maybe that's more is better. Are you saying like you wouldn't let maybe the intrusive negative thought that's like, Ooh, maybe I'm being too much kind of, you're just like, no, I'm allowing myself to take up space. Is that what you

Steph:

Right. Like, I feel like I'm more aware of when those thoughts happen, but I'm able to quickly be like, You know what? I don't even know if that process happens anymore where it's like, I'll be sitting in a room one day, and like, somebody will say something funny, And I'm pretty quick witted. But I also have no filter. And I like, like, I just say whatever is on my mind and I don't really filter myself. In the past, I would mentally be like, no, don't say that. But now, I'm like, just let it come out if it's like the right audience and the right, environment and the right situation. Like, I don't hold back anymore. I'm just myself.

Elizabeth:

You know, the more I work on myself and like, just, I mean, I've been to this at this point for a while now, but I've seen as all of this progress I've made, personal development I've made, I can stop the intrusive thought.

Steph:

Mm hmm.

Elizabeth:

Before it even starts before it even spirals. So you're another person confirming when you work on yourself and you continue and it's hard But you you keep making efforts and it's just you're not gonna catch every negative thought at first But like you try you try when they happen and the more you do it It will start to actually pay off and then boom Steph Lafay is over here sharing that it's happening for her. So

Steph:

Um, no, but it's been really good, so like, two things just came out of what you just said. So, one is, one thing that I've been doing, this is kind of random, this is like a, this could send us on another rabbit hole. But, something I've been doing for the last like, probably two or three months, is whenever I notice a negative thought, like it comes through, like, to my conscious level where I notice it, I try to, whatever I'm, having a negative thought about like let's say it's another person in my spin class and i'm like that person is Dancing right now and it's annoying me like I don't know sometimes like at 6 a. m. I don't want to see you dancing. Whatever um Just freaking spin

Elizabeth:

Dead.

Steph:

so like if I have a negative thought about that person, uh, at 6 o'clock in the morning, I try to find three positive things that I like about them. And it's like, I don't let myself move on from that negative thought until I've sort of come up with three things that are positive to counter it. And now, Because it's so annoying to have to do that. It's like a mental, it's mental gymnastics. I'm like for every Negative thought now I have to come up three positive ones. Like who wants to do that? I feel like my brain now Just doesn't even take on the negative thought because I don't want to do the work. I'm like lazy It's not that i'm nice It's not that i'm nice or positive. It's that i'm freaking lazy and I don't want to do that

Elizabeth:

This. Wow. That's thank you so much for sharing. That's so different. So cool. And like it just goes to show there's not one way to like work on this. I mean, mine was not like that. Mine was just constantly like. When I'd have that intrusive thought I would like try to stop myself and like at least Figure out where is this coming from? Where is it stemming from? Because mine was very anxiety driven, but I'm very impressed with that So you were like truly training your brain like look we're gonna work harder if we act this way Interesting, okay and that might be easier for somebody to kind of grasp on to because it's like so like one plus one equals two like it's Very,

Steph:

Right.

Elizabeth:

I don't know what we're looking for. It's very visual in a way

Steph:

Yeah, and I

Elizabeth:

visual.

Steph:

a lot of it, I, like, the spin example is probably one that actually happened because in spin, like, one thing that I've been doing is, I've been trying to not be on my phone at all when I'm doing something that doesn't require my phone. Um, So, like in SPIN class, like I intentionally put the phone under the bike when I walk in. So that I won't look at it. but I feel like, if just by making like little changes to like the way I talk, Like what I'm doing, I'm opening up space in my brain to think about things like that and to work through things like that. So like, 45 minutes in a spin class, I have nothing else to think about but that negative thought. So I might as well work on it while I'm riding my bike, you know?

Elizabeth:

Right. Interesting. That's so impressive. Okay, so you literally trained your brain. So that helped with the negative intrusive thought pattern. Accepting all the pieces of you and not feeling shame, which is a huge thing, I think, in personal development. so I have a question. Would you say, like, what was the, and there could be more than one, Is there a moment that made you, like, I don't want to say rock bottom, but maybe rock bottom, that made you want to start pursuing some level of personal development? And or was it when you discovered the introversion term, or was that part of like your personal development journey?

Steph:

That so the introversion was an I discovered that by accident. I think we talked about it on the previous episode. Like I was trying to figure out what to put in my instagram bio and like somebody was like, oh, I think you're an introvert. I was like, okay. I think you might be right. but the catalyst for this whole thing was covid. My wedding got canceled twice. my husband had COVID and it was like 10 days in and his stepfather was like, I can't get sick. So he pretty much like made us stay in the attic for two weeks, just the two of us, we had nothing to do, but like think and like be with each other by day three I was like, don't talk to me. we had this little, like very small room to share and do everything in for 14 days. It was horrible.

Elizabeth:

sounds horrible.

Steph:

It was, yeah. So I basically just made an Instagram about, at the time it was about fitness because I was hoping that my wedding was still going to happen. I was in denial.

Elizabeth:

Yeah. I think a lot of us were. Mine got canceled once.

Steph:

Okay. Oh, it was brutal. so I was kind of like, okay, all I'm eating right now is like the cookies that my mother loves baking. Uh, I need to be able to fit into this dress and the only way that I'm going to eat right is if I exercise. So, I made an Instagram basically to show people. So, and this is like. It's kind of embarrassing now in hindsight, but like I don't like I don't know anything about fitness. I just like to work out

Elizabeth:

Same.

Steph:

And I guess I do okay But like I basically was using all the things in the room like the objects in the room to make makeshift machines that we had at the gym I was like showing it on Instagram. It was like a crackdown. It looks crazy, but like whatever

Elizabeth:

what we were all doing back during COVID.

Steph:

exactly. Like I had like a stick that I got from outside I had like a, like a rubber band, a giant rubber band or whatever. And I was using it to make like a lat machine. It was very creative. Um,

Elizabeth:

very creative. I'm so impressed.

Steph:

yeah, it was crazy, but I was so bored. So that is kind of what started this whole thing. And then over time, like over the course of like the pandemic. I just, I went from like fitness to like mental health and like, I really had nowhere to go but inward because there was really nothing going on. So, it was just this like ongoing cycle of like asking more questions, getting more curious, finding answers, getting more curious, going deeper inwards. And the first, I would say the first two years of that was, Me just going closer and closer and closer to like rock bottom. and like it was very lonely and very overwhelming I just, I felt like everybody thought I was crazy. I felt crazy. and it was just this like never ending like dark hole. It's like, when is this gonna end?

Elizabeth:

hmm. Man, I feel that. I feel that.

Steph:

But then, like, something happened in March 2022, so about two years in. I basically stopped taking my ADD meds. and everything started, like, one day at a time, things started getting better. Like, I, like, finally, like, saw the light at the end of the tunnel.

Elizabeth:

Wow.

Steph:

I stopped taking them cold turkey, which, in hindsight, probably wasn't very safe. But Those, I think, were the reason that I felt so alone and so confused and so overwhelmed because I didn't even know who I was anymore at that point. it was like, I was overprescribed, overmedicated, I was like a robot, like a zombie. I wasn't sleeping, I had no, like my creativity was zero.

Elizabeth:

Yeah.

Steph:

And I could barely, like, talk. I don't know how I held on to my job the whole time, honestly. but I guess I was working really hard because I was over prescribed to that medication.

Elizabeth:

but say you're hyper focused.

Steph:

Yeah. like, hyper focused. but once I, like, let go of the medication, I was able to slowly heal myself, and I think that is when the healing really began because I started to have emotions again. Like, I started to have, like, an emotional connection to myself again. yeah. And, like, once I started to explore my feelings, instead of just I don't think I had emotions, for, like, a while. or at least I wasn't aware of them. which is a very bizarre place to be in, in hindsight. And then, for about a year I went from literally not emotional at all, like having no emotions, to being the most emotional person you would ever meet. Like, it was like, six years of having like, no emotions or having them like, disappear over the course of six years. All of a sudden I was having all the feelings.

Elizabeth:

it all bubbled up to the top and it was like a volcano.

Steph:

And then last summer, I started to learn, I would say around July, we got home from a trip to Myrtle Beach, or yeah, we went to Myrtle Beach with some friends. I partied very hard in Myrtle Beach. And it's like, not really a party, it's like a very low key beach, so. Was I okay? I don't know. Um, I'm okay now. she's good now. but we got back from there, and I was like, okay. Something's gotta give again. Like, something's gotta change. I started learning how to not just feel my feelings, because I was clearly very good at that at that point. I started learning how to speak to them, manage them, talk about them, cope with them, without, like, drinking or doing other things. And through that, I, like over the course of a couple months, like I stopped drinking liquor, I stopped really doing anything. I just learned how to be real about what I was feeling and since then, like I would say since last November or so, Things have really been clicking into place. It's like milestone after milestone after milestone and I feel like I've become a whole person because I'm able to speak to my emotion. That was a total rant. I don't know if any of that made sense

Elizabeth:

made all the sense and it was not a rant. It was a story. It was, it was,

Steph:

There come the negative thoughts. See, I'm not immune to them. Bye.

Elizabeth:

yeah, there, there you are in real time. See everybody. We can still have our shit together, but I have those moments. you know, you no longer have to mask. You are authentically you. Um. Hmm. Thank you for speaking to that because sometimes like tapping into your emotions and understanding them for whatever reason is scary to some people or, or, or maybe it's not scary, but people don't, and I know I'm generalizing here, but people don't understand, like, like, I feel like they dismiss it. Like, oh, that's what it's like. No, no, no. Like, it's actually important for you to understand how you're feeling, especially knowing that there's more than just sad, happy, angry. Like, there's levels to those. There's levels to fear. Then there's like where those two kind of intersect. Like, there's different, there's scared, fear, anxiety. Then there's like anger driven anxiety. Like, there's different, I don't know. Knowledge is power. Knowledge is freedom. So being able to speak to how you're feeling and then because if you understand how you're feeling, then you're owning how you're feeling and then you're going to be confident in that. So not a rant at all. A very important life lesson that I think a lot of us still struggle to learn or or we like again, we just dismiss it as something not important.

Steph:

Right. Yeah, and I think the other thing too is like, you know, throughout all of this, there were very high highs, and not just because of my ADD meds or whatever other shit I was doing, there were like moments that were really good throughout all of this. Like, I got married in the midst of all

Elizabeth:

Right, right, right,

Steph:

of my life. and I had like so many great times with my friends. And like, I got promotions in the middle of this. Started my podcast. a lot of good things were happening. And, I would have a lot of good days. Even though a lot of it was like rough. And nowadays, like, it sort of flips. I'm having mostly good days, but I still have my fuckin bad days. Like, it's, and I think you're never gonna get rid of, like, the bad days or the bad moments. It's just, you know, how you deal with them.

Elizabeth:

no, absolutely agree. I mean, I still have moments like where I, I don't want to say I'm embarrassed. Like, like talking about owning. So you own who you are, you own the emotions, you own the feelings. I think there's also growth when you can own like, okay, we've made all this progress, all this development, but like, we're human human AF. We still get jealous or we still get grumpy. We still get irritated. I snap because I'm hungry. Like, gosh, hang hanger is a thing for Liz Cheney. I'll tell you that right. The fuck

Steph:

Me too. Same for Steph Lafay. Well, actually, no. Steph Laffy. Steph Laffy Laffy is perfect. Ha

Elizabeth:

Hollywood star fame, you know? but I, Hold on one second. I'm so

Steph:

Yeah, no, you're fine. You're fine.

Elizabeth:

So sorry. My husband's being very annoying right now. He knew I'm recording and he's like, there's only two crab cakes at the store. I'm like, you called me to interrupt my recording about crab cakes. What? Oh my God.

Steph:

That's totally worth it.

Elizabeth:

sorry about that. Yes. So back to where we're talking about. So when I was saying like owning like hanger, all of that, right? The work I've done like when in those moments where I'm not being the nicest version of myself, you know, or I'm being a little bit of a brat, a bitch, you know what I mean?

Steph:

Right.

Elizabeth:

I can own that more now and not just own it more, but I don't. Also, spiral into like, well, you're, you suck, you're a loser, you're a piece of shit. Why would you act that way? No, no, no, no. Like very, like always these very dramatic, harsh, inner negative, like thought patterns. So with self development, not only do you get to own who you are and understand who you are and be able to communicate who you are, you also accept you For every version of you, every level of you, when you're hangry, when you're just being a bitch because you're annoyed, when you're super happy and hyper, and maybe everyone else is like, can you come down like four notches? And you're like, no, I'm just happy. Like, I just, I'm just trying to speak to knowing you, who you are, and it's just the most important thing that you can do. And that leads to what's my favorite two letter, two letter. I did that again. What's my two favorite words? Self love, but, but, but seriously, it is like essentially ultimate self love and knowing who you are and accepting who you are and meeting yourself where you are.

Steph:

Absolutely. I mean, I had a freaking, I had a meltdown, on Sunday. Like, a fucking meltdown. We were walking to Whole Foods. But what was cool was, in the past, like a year ago, two years ago, that meltdown would have taken, I don't know, three weeks for me to stop. But Yeah, I was, it was like, Oh no, this bitch is a melting.

Elizabeth:

Right.

Steph:

but we were all, we were walking the whole food, just about a 20 minute walk from my apartment. And I just got so upset. We went out the night before my husband, like just got on my nerves I was hangry and hungover, really bad combo. and he said something and I was like, Oh, you're fucking kidding me. By the time we got to Whole Foods, we were like lovey dovey, Miss, like, Steph and Sean. like, he even commented, That was the fastest you've ever, like, stopped and, like, taken a pause. literally, it was not even five minutes. So, it, like, it still happens, but I was able to take a deep breath and say, Wait. Am I actually mad at him? does he deserve this? And really, no. I don't know if he ever really deserved that kind of like, I hate you! But, you know, I was able to take a deep breath and recognize, like, am I really mad at him? Or am I just hungry and hungover?

Elizabeth:

Right. Right.

Steph:

And, as it turned out, I was just hungry and hungover. and hangry, whatever, a lot of things. And I wasn't actually really mad at like what he said, I was just mad.

Elizabeth:

Right. You're just irritable.

Steph:

I

Elizabeth:

it happens. It happens. And then you, we get over it and it's like, ah, sorry, babe. Like, I don't hold on to my pride or who's right or who has the last word anymore. It's like, okay. Because nine and a half times out of ten, the fights or the arguments are over stupid shit, you know, or just whatever. It's not the real, what really matters. So see, and look at that. It's just, I'm just all about personal development and growth because it is fun and it's very like looking in the mirror. You're going to look in the mirror and like look at the ugly parts of yourself. But like the thing about it is you will learn that the ugly parts are actually beautiful.

Steph:

Yeah, how do I love that? Absolutely. And like, what's really funny is like, the first two years of my personal development thing, because I was like, like, my co host of the Human AF podcast always says, you're spiraling upward, and even though it seems like you're dealing with the same issue over and over and over and over, and it's like you're not making progress, you actually are, but you're just seeing it from like a higher level. And So,

Elizabeth:

a good way to look at it.

Steph:

yeah, it bothers my mom when she talks

Elizabeth:

I love that. Spiraling upward.

Steph:

Yeah, so like, even if it feels like you're spiraling, like, you're spiraling, you're actually just reaching another level. And because it's just, it's such a big topic or issue or whatever,

Elizabeth:

Yeah.

Steph:

because you're dealing with it again, it feels like a lot, it feels exhausting, but really you're just, you're just growing, and it's growing pain.

Elizabeth:

I

Steph:

Um, right? I was like, Steph, her name is Steph also, she's awesome.

Elizabeth:

know so many steps.

Steph:

I, I, oh my god, yes, we had an episode of the Stay Intubated podcast with another Steph Waffy,

Elizabeth:

That's what I was about to say. I saw that the other day, or today I think, or yesterday.

Steph:

Yeah, crazy. but I think that like, because I was constantly spiraling, And I was just so fixated on fixing this and then fixing that and it was so many big like huge overwhelming issues. Everybody was like, shut the hell up with the personal development. Like, it doesn't seem like you're getting any better. This isn't fun for anybody. Now, I don't know if they were actually saying that or if that was just my negative self talk. But, yeah. But

Elizabeth:

the negative talk.

Steph:

yeah. But like, Now that you can literally see on the outside looking in you could see that I really am growing and I am evolving. I think it's fun for everybody else, too

Elizabeth:

Yeah, I think, I mean, I've had my friends, like, comment on my development, like, I am so proud of you, I see the growth you've made, wow, like, I mean, I don't know, I've always been the kind of person to, like, people come to for advice, and this and this, I've always been, like, kind of a hyper, like, theater kid, but, To manage that with grace and on top of like my anxiety and all the shit that I went through after my car accident, and then getting through my personal rock bottom, which was like major depression in 2021. And I also want to say like, to you, like there were some good moments. I got married in that process too, but I was not okay. I was at my, at my rock bottom. And it was after my wedding that I realized it because. I was

Steph:

are we the same person?

Elizabeth:

yeah, it was bad. It was like three months, four months afterward. Um, but

Steph:

Same.

Elizabeth:

yeah, I, it is fun for them cause they see it. And then like you, then what's cool is you see the ripple effect your growth has taught on the people around you. So they don't just recognize it, but then you're helping them as well. Like, I truly think that I've helped a lot of people and I don't mean that in a braggy way at all. It, I, I mean, I mean it from a way of like, Because I am comfortable sharing my vulnerability, sharing my authenticity, I think that helps because we need real, we need real, real.

Steph:

We do, yeah. And I think that like, you're leading yourself and in turn you're, you're showing people what's possible when they do it too. Like, I don't freaking know what the hell I'm doing. I'm making it up as I go every single

Elizabeth:

I'm just trying to be more at peace. What, what is my mental peace? And that, and I don't mean, I don't mean like I'm always like, Oh, no mistake. I mean like, Oh, intrusive thought. What is affecting my, my, my peace right now? Why am I having a negative thought pattern? This just came from nowhere. Get the fuck out of my head. And then boom, I'm, it's out of my head now. Like it's all about making me at peace and, and, and so I can do the thousand frigging things I'm trying to do at any given moment. You know,

Steph:

Exactly.

Elizabeth:

God, I'm hard enough. Like with the shit I try to juggle anyway, I don't need my, my anxiety and brain trying to like, you know, fuck it up too.

Steph:

Exactly. Oh my god, like, my brain on anxiety is like, I might as well just like, sleep or stay there at the wall. Like, it's useless. So like, what do I need to do right now I don't know. To get those anxious thoughts to turn off so that I can focus on whatever I'm trying to do. And if that's like, stop doing what you're doing, and just go to bed, or just leave the office early, or just go for a walk or take a deep breath, then that's what I need to do.

Elizabeth:

Yep. Yep. And the world will not crumble. It will not catch on fire. Despite what your head tells you.

Steph:

Exactly.

Elizabeth:

that's something you have to learn as well. Well, I know we are running low on time. We're running out of time here. So I just want to say before you, you drop all your Instagram handles and podcasts, do you have any last words that you'd like to give the audience who maybe they're on their own personal development journey? Maybe they need to start and they're scared or, or just in general.

Steph:

Yeah, so I think the big thing is, you're going to want to focus on all the different things. Especially if, like, you're at the start. You're going to notice a lot of things that you need to change about yourself. And I say that in air quotes because there's nothing that you need to change.

Elizabeth:

I love that.

Steph:

Um, but I think you're going to want to change a million and gajillion things at once. Focus on one thing at a time and I think a lot of things will self correct without you even realizing. So,

Elizabeth:

Perfect.

Steph:

really quick example, a really quick example of this is I used to chew gum like a psychopath. Like, I, I literally chewed two packs a day, like it was like a stick of, yeah, it was crazy. Um, I was a gum chewer and At the same time, I was also obsessively organizing my to do list, and I was on social media way too much. so, rather than try to fix the gum chewing, which I tried many times, I started focusing on fixing my relationship with social media and my to do list. And, by accident, I stopped chewing gum, because I was no longer using those two things to avoid my life. And so, the tension in my jaw disappeared, and I don't need gum anymore. So, focus on one or two things, and other things will resolve just by accident.

Elizabeth:

Agreed. That's, uh, that's a good call out. That's, uh, that was actually very well said. Thank you, Steph, for, for dropping that. So, alright everyone, where can they find Steph LaFay? And otherwise known as Steph Laffy.

Steph:

So my, like, kind of catch all Instagram is probably the easiest. So it's at introspective underscore AF. there you will find all podcasts. so I have the Stay Introverted podcast, the Becoming Human AF podcast, and the Hey Bestie podcast. I'm mostly on threads. I'm like super unhinged over

Elizabeth:

so good. You are, I'm like, damn. I post on threads once a blue moon, and you're just over there like constantly.

Steph:

It's my journal. I, I forget that it's public. I genuinely like, I'm like, uh oh. Like, did I just post that? Uh oh.

Elizabeth:

I would love to do it. I would love to like think of every intrusive thought I have or like stupid comment I'm like, oh, that'd be funny. But yeah

Steph:

I, so I don't think about it, I just post it. yeah, you guys can find all my clips, like, from all my podcasts on there. the trick is, I don't make them, I don't post them. I just look like I do. So, yeah. But, uh, yeah, follow me on Introspective AF and you can either listen to all three podcasts or you can pick your poison and choose one.

Elizabeth:

Yeah, I think you should listen to all three. You're going to get a different vibe from all three. That's for sure.

Steph:

exactly.

Elizabeth:

Oh, well, that's great. Thank you so much, Steph. And you and I, Missy, get to see, get to meet each other in just a short few months. So I'm super excited about that. Your girl is going to New York City. And I told Steph that she had no choice but to hang out with me at one point. So

Steph:

excited it's gonna happen and I get to meet your mom I think,

Elizabeth:

yes, you do get to meet my mom. Um, so

Steph:

Maybe I'll have my mom come, too.

Elizabeth:

okay. Well, we're going to talk about this because I actually kind of love this idea that we're building. So we'll make that happen. Okay. Well, thank you so much until next time. And for those listening, if you're not doing this already, you can follow me at in dot between pod and Elizabeth Cheney underscore on Instagram and the in between podcast on YouTube, which this episode will be there and tick tock. So until then, I will see you later. And me and Steph just want you to, uh, what is it? Personal development yourself. That was a really bad way to say that.

Steph:

I

Elizabeth:

Let me try that one more time. We want you to love you because you are worth the love. That's a better way to say it.

Steph:

Love it.

Elizabeth:

Oh gosh. Well, thank you so much, Steph.

Steph:

Thank you.

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Elizabeth Cheney Stater

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