Balancing Ambition with Emotional Wellness | S3 E18

Welcome to The Power Lounge_,_ where we explore the delicate balance between ambition and emotional wellness. In this episode, host Amy Vaughn discusses mental health during organizational changes with Dr. Akua Boateng, a licensed clinician. They cover career burnout, executive dysfunction, and post-work exhaustion, offering strategies like town hall meetings and wellness initiatives. The conversation also touches on challenges faced by women leaders and the importance of redefining success to include emotional well-being.

Join us as we discover how integrating personal and professional goals can lead to a more fulfilling life.

Featured in the Episode

Dr. Akua Boateng

Licensed Psychotherapist | Emotional Wellness Consultant | Mental Health Expert | Ambition x Emotional Wellness

Dr. Akua’s LinkedIn

https://www.linkedin.com/in/akua-k-boateng

Amy Vaughan,

Owner & Chief Empowerment Officer

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/amypvaughan/

Takeaways

• Differentiating Burnout from Career Change
• Executive Dysfunction and Post-Work Fatigue
• Emotional Release and Expression
• Imposter Syndrome Discussion
• Cultivating Personal Empowerment
• Mapping Emotional Wellness Strategies
• Leadership Impact of Emotional Wellness
• Balancing Personal and Professional Objectives

Quotes

"Embrace vulnerability in leadership to spark change, inspire introspection, and honor humanity." - Dr. Akua Boateng

"Understanding yourself is key to emotional wellness. Identify and transform harmful beliefs to shape a brighter path." - Dr. Akua Boateng

Chapters

00:00 - Introduction

06:20 - Hustle Culture's Impact

12:00 - Key to Preventing Burnout

17:26 - Addressing Belonging and Syndrome Challenges

24:24 - Rethinking Success Beyond Material Achievements

29:38 - Moving Beyond Monetary Goals

35:00 - Empowerment through Intentions and Personal Agency

46:23 - Demonstrating Humanity for Genuine Connections

52:11 - Engagement through Celebrating and Collective Learning Experiences

01:02:50 - Finding Decompression Time during Challenges

01:04: 52 - Outro

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:10

Hello everyone, welcome to our weekly power lounge. This is your place to hear authentic conversations from those who have power to share. My name is Amy Vaughn and I am the owner and chief empowerment officer of Together Digital, a diverse and collaborative community of women who choose to share their knowledge, power and connections. You can join the movement at togetherindigitalcom. As many of you know, may is Mental Health Awareness Month and, according to the American Psychiatric Association, each year, one in five women in the United States experience mental health problems such as depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, also known as PTSD, or an eating disorder. Today, we're here to talk about the balance of ambition and emotional wellness, particularly for women, with Dr Akua Boateng.

Speaker 1: 1:02

Dr Boateng is a licensed clinician with nearly 15 years of extensive experience, practice and education. She has been featured by major media outlets such as the Washington Post, essence, nbc News, refinery29, HuffPost, pinterest, nbc Black Enterprise and many more. As a trusted speaker, expert contributor and insightful consultant, dr Boateng has made a significant impact in the world of mental health. Through her illustrious career, dr Boateng has honed in a compassionate and integrative approach to therapy. She has addressed a wide range of issues, including anxiety, depression, relationship challenges, trauma and importantly for us here listening today workplace wellness. Her unique focus lies at the intersection of ambition and wellness, driving her to work with high profile and also a lot of our listening audience high achieving leaders.

Speaker 1: 2:07

As the founder and CEO of Boateng Psychotherapy and Consulting, dr Boateng has guided clients towards an integrated sense of self, family and community since 2015. Through Boateng Consulting, she has partnered with companies like Pinterest, black Enterprise and the Architects Association to provide sustainable emotional wellness strategies that elevate lives and propel leaders to greater success. We're so honored to have you here with us today, and back again. Actually, you have been a guest in the past and I was so glad that you reached back out because this is such an important and dear to us topic. Dr Broughton, thank you so much for being with us again today.

Speaker 2: 2:51

All right.

Speaker 1: 2:51

Absolutely. Yeah, let's let's jump into some questions. And then, of course, as always, we have a live listening audience here with us today and we want you all to feel comfortable with asking questions. No such thing as a wrong question. We're going to get through a lot, but obviously we're going to leave some time at the end of today's session for you to ask questions as well. So please use that comment section, use the chat and let us know if you have anything that you would like to ask, in case there's something we don't touch upon. But first, if you could just start by sharing with us what inspired you to focus, especially recently, on this intersection of ambition and emotional wellness.

Speaker 2: 3:37

Absolutely. I'm so excited to be here. I feel like this community has become like a second home for me, and so I'm so glad to be with you all today and be talking about something I've become super passionate about. And the reason why I've become really passionate about ambition and emotional wellness is that oftentimes, in the past 15 years, I've worked with folks that are really successful professionally. They have done a lot of work to become founders, to become C-suite executives, teachers, doctors, full-time home caregivers, and their achievement has become a chief part of their identity, right? A lot of the things that they're doing in the world is connected to some sort of achievement-based thinking, and ambition is at the center of how they see the world and how they see their future, and so, across multiple disciplines you know a lot of the ones that I've just stated one thing really remains the same we all have a dream, right?

Speaker 2: 4:39

We all have a way of thinking about our future that is infused with ideas about success, and oftentimes those ideas of success come from childhood. They come from early adulthood or early adulthood, early childhood dynamic, and it is often divorced from emotional wellness. I know how to succeed really well, but I don't really know how to do that at the same time as taking care of my emotional health. I can do one or I can do the other. Society teaches that we learn that in our homes. We learn that in our jobs. We're celebrated for grinding, for working hard, and so I believe that there is a way, there is a path where we can succeed in our emotional wellness, and that should be our ambition.

Speaker 1: 5:36

I love it. I remember when we were having our kind of catch up conversation about bringing you back on here and I was like, oh, I feel so seen and I've said it before in past conversations and other podcast interviews where you know I've been asked questions about you know where I was, you know when I was climbing the ladder and agency life and world, and I kind of came to that realization, kind of through the verbal processing of being interviewed, which is sometimes kind of like therapy, is that I was, oh yeah, I was really good at work. So I always leaned in hard at work because that was the thing I could show up and do well, but then when it came to life and at home and in being alone with myself and my own thoughts, that was hard, that was hard and that's how I became a really good workaholic for many, many years. And I agree with you greatly that this hustle culture has been given a lot of favor and accolades for a long time and I agree that really needs.

Speaker 1: 6:34

Tired of talking about it. We're burnt out on burnout, but it is such a common thing among high achievers. In fact, according to a study by Deloitte, 77% of women reported feeling burnout at their current jobs and 42% left their jobs due to burnout. Can you explain how burnout manifests in ambitious individuals, and what signs should we be looking out for within ourselves, or maybe others, when it comes to this?

Speaker 2: 7:15

Absolutely. You are right. Burnout is just as prevalent as anxiety. Anxiety is like the number one emotional concern that we're experiencing in the United States. Burnout really close second. There it's a lot, a lot of people are experiencing it. I find that highly ambitious people can fall prey to highly effective compartmentalization.

Speaker 2: 7:37

We have folks, those high achievers starting an early life. You're getting all the stars on your grade and report card. You're the one that the teacher's like oh I don't have to worry about you, right? Or you took a different path. But we are the folks that are the push through nation. We're the ones that know how to grind.

Speaker 2: 7:57

And so the challenge with high functioning, high achieving folks and burnout is we have normalized working at such a high frequency that we can be close to the cliff of our capacity and not know it. We are the folks that have normalized and actually become masters at silencing the discomfort. And actually become masters at silencing the discomfort. That's what makes us successful. Right, that we can actually work under great challenging circumstances. We can rise above the fray. Right, we can stay in and work long hours.

Speaker 2: 8:40

But we fall prey to not understanding that our resources have diminished along that time that we've been pushing through, and so, as a result of that, irritability is missed right, loss of creativity is missed, extreme and chronic fatigue is missed right, or compartmentalized out, intellectualized away right. And one of the other symptoms that I often find or strategies, internal strategies that high achieving folks use and burnout is really present is what we call reaction formation. It's a defense mechanism and it is the person that says I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. And really what's happening on the inside is you are not fine and you're using the strategy of saying I'm fine to change the course of how you might feel. It's not all the way effective, but it's certainly a good college try that we give right To say I'm fine, and so the person that's always saying they're fine, while also at the very low level of their resource, is headed towards burnout.

Speaker 2: 9:57

When you're fully in burnout, that means something has failed some system. It could be your physical body, it could be that you have a symptom stomach issue, chronic headaches, insomnia, larger things like high blood pressure right, something fails and we're not able to function at such a high frequency and then we realize we're in burnout. Yeah, they can't do all the things they used to do.

Speaker 1: 10:29

So many important things you just said there and I loved that statement of we are so used to operating close to the cliff of our capacity. I feel that I see that and also that last statement of the I'm fine, I'm fine reminds me of the common iteration I have among a lot of my very strong female friends, which is check on your strong friends, Because they do have that tendency to kind of put on that brave face and keep moving things along even when it's not fine. So really, really asking but are you?

Speaker 2: 11:02

fine, and not assuming they believe it. That's the tricky part, because you really do feel like you're fine. Yeah, because you've learned to literally compartmentalize. I am so distant from my own feeling.

Speaker 1: 11:18

Yeah, You're that numb and then, like even you said, when it begins to manifest as a physical ailment, and you don't necessarily tie the physical ailment to the mental distress, but all of that stuff is absolutely connected. That's such a great point too. I also realized something and I won't reveal names or anything because this was within a peer group that we had recently, but I recognize this so immediately. But there was another, you know, know, having been an agency person in the past there was a woman saying she felt burnt out. But it was really interesting because she felt burnt out during a lull. She felt that she was sitting idle and was kind of like itching and waiting.

Speaker 1: 11:57

And I said, and she had just come off a big project and I thought this is your moment of rest. I said, why are you waiting for and chasing the next high? This is like your high should not just be work. This is not healthy, Like this should be. You going oh, I have a moment to you know, sort of rest, relax and the next surge of work will come, but burnout shouldn't be you saying, oh, I'm not, my value is in me being busy all the time.

Speaker 1: 12:34

You know, it's like she almost had like the inverse, like thought process of burnout, like like if I'm not at max product like productivity, like then I'm not, not valuable and I'm not doing a good job and I'm burnt out on my job if I'm basically not working at 110 capacity.

Speaker 2: 12:52

Absolutely yeah, and there's so. There's so much to that, I won't go into that, but that is an early childhood dynamic, isn't it? My right, my worth is connected to what I do. My right, my worth is connected to what I do.

Speaker 1: 13:05

Yeah, yeah, and that's a hard thing to break.

Speaker 1: 13:12

But, yeah, you're right, that's. That's a longer, deeper session than what we've got today. Let's talk about another fun term that all of us ladies love hearing because we just get to hear it all day, every day which is imposter syndrome. It's another prevalent issue among ambitious women. In fact, research again published by the Journal of Behavioral Science indicates that imposter syndrome affects women more frequently than men. How does imposter syndrome tend to affect mental health, and what strategies can we sort of start to implore to help us overcome it?

Speaker 2: 13:42

Yeah, so I think imposter syndrome is really a crisis of belonging and personal agency. Right Belonging and personal agency. When we mix those, when we separate them out, right they're you know, two challenging things on their own together it's a crisis, right? And so really imposter syndrome is like an internalized self-doubt right About your intellect, about your skills, about accomplishments, your worthiness, and among high achieving folks it really results in a feeling like I'm a fraud when you're actually just looking to belong.

Speaker 1: 14:19

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 14:20

Right. Belonging is internal, and so it's a historic dynamic of a history of not belonging, a history of feeling underneath what is acceptable or the standard. External, with all of these ideas around our environmental, work conditions as women, as people of color. There's so many different pieces of that, but really, how do we attack it? I use the lock method L-O-C right. L is lean into the discomfort.

Speaker 2: 15:02

We are consumed with these historical feelings of doubt. Typically, right, we distance ourselves from discomfort In moments when we are desiring to lean out. We really need to be leaning in, engaging that discomfort, engaging those feelings of I'm not good enough. Making attempts to lean in normalizes our tolerance or window of tolerance of these feelings. Right. So show empathy to yourself, find the resource, emotional signal and then, oh, so that is offering belonging.

Speaker 2: 15:36

You first of all have to offer belonging to yourself, right, and so this internalized doubt of your skills and your ability and your worthiness is connected to a world where you feel like you don't belong, and so creating spaces where you do is important. Environments where you feel empowered, capable, like together in digital right, places where you feel like you are at the top of your game Personally offers that belonging back into the system, and then C is really cultivating curiosity. Imposter syndrome creates a fixed mindset. Fear, insecurity are like they just lock you in, don't they Right? And so creativity can't coexist with fear, and so offering yourself self-compassion in order to release that curiosity is really key. That lock L-O-C.

Speaker 1: 16:35

I love it, Love a good framework and I love a good framework. It always really helps to kind of bring that back home. I think, too, what's been helpful for me with this whole imposter syndrome mentality is it is like a mentality I love having language for things, but I don't like getting locked into language that becomes a mindset that holds you captive. Right, and I recently had someone send me a commencement speech given by the woman who founded Girls who Code, and it was really amazing because she talked about the fact that there used to be this thing called bike face.

Speaker 1: 17:14

That was considered a syndrome and also the I'm sure you know this that the initial research for imposter syndrome it was actually called imposter phenomenon by the two psychologists who first kind of observed it and it was really more of these kind of more privileged women, white women, typically in leadership positions, who felt like they, like you said, it was more a lack of belonging or a sense of and again, because there were no other women in the room right Lack of belonging, and it was less of that whole fraud and it wasn't a syndrome, it wasn't an illness, and she talks about how it was kind of more it became a more of a divisive term really during during the women's rights movements, and then she kind of relates it to bike face, which was something of a phenomenon as well back in the 1800s as bikes became more accessible and went from being that one big giant wheel to two equally proportioned wheels and people were riding bikes more often, including women.

Speaker 1: 18:10

This was also during some of the women's rights movement and this made women more mobile because women were not dependent upon men to get them from place to place, and dudes didn't like it because the ladies could get from one place to the other, which meant they could convene, and they didn't like it because the ladies could get from one place to the other, which meant they could convene, and they didn't like that because if the ladies got together they could talk about lady things and then talk about their rights and then they might try to do things.

Speaker 1: 18:34

And so doctors were concerned and started spreading the word about bike face and it was essentially like bulging eyes and red face and it was dangerous and you should not be riding bikes because you eyes and red face and it was dangerous and you really did, you should not be riding bikes because you could get bike face. And so she really equated this whole notion of this cautionary tale of bike face to imposter syndrome as a way in which to sort of, you know, contain women and hold them within their place by perpetuating this notion of a syndrome. And I was like oh snap.

Speaker 2: 19:06

I never even thought about it like that, Never thought about it like that.

Speaker 1: 19:10

So I think that's where it's like your idea of like cultivating curiosity, like starting to kind of think about, like why does this word? Why, does this feeling, why does this notion have power? And beginning to kind of have that curiosity and explore these things and just sort of see like yeah, yeah, like how can I let this not have power? You know, anyways, I have to share that every time I talk about imposter syndrome. Now I have to share bike face to just let more people know.

Speaker 1: 19:36

Yeah, Love a good story and I just think it makes so much sense. I was like, oh, so thank you for sharing it with me, and I hope those who have listened will continue to perpetuate the story, because it's like, okay, I'm seeing it, I'm seeing. It's one of those things too. It's like it's once. It's like once you see something and learn something, you can't really unlearn it, Right? So then you're going to start to notice and see other other syndromes out there. Absolutely, let's talk a little bit about leadership. You've worked a lot with some pretty high-profile leaders. What are some unique challenges that these folks face in terms of emotional wellness? I mean, these tend to be some pretty high-profile and pretty stressful jobs because at the end of the day, they're still human right. How do you help them navigate and manage some of these challenges, particularly women?

Speaker 2: 20:32

Yeah, absolutely, and so really, I think what you just said is really important, at the base of any of our experiences. Whatever platform you have and whatever job and life that you're living in, you're human, and so the core issue is the same Am I enough? Am I doing the things that I said I wanted to do? Am I living out the dreams that I have destined for myself? Do I feel supported? Am I loved? How am I seen? How am I valued? How am I?

Speaker 2: 21:05

You know, all of these things are really universal and they come up in high profile folks. Right, it's a really similar thing. The challenge, if we put a layer of complexity on top of it, is that it is really doused in a society that may not give them a space to be broken, a space to be human, right, right, and so it creates this kind of cocoon of sorts that is really, really hard to find safety. Yeah, it's hard to find safety when you're the one in the room that is in charge of everyone else in the room. Yeah, it's hard to be able to say you, one in the room that is in charge of everyone else in the room, it's hard to be able to say you know what I don't have it today, when you are the one responsible for everyone else having it today?

Speaker 1: 21:53

Right.

Speaker 2: 21:53

It becomes really, really difficult when you have all of the eyes on you and you're a public figure and everyone is looking at how you move and how you handle things in order to judge you and your efficiency. And so, at the base level, same concerns, same concerns. How do I juggle it all? And the answer remains the same If you work with me, we don't.

Speaker 1: 22:22

Right.

Speaker 2: 22:23

Exactly, we don't take it all. You're only human flesh and blood. Yeah, gentle, gentle, how do we find spaces for you to cultivate, recover? How do we dismantle harmful beliefs and mechanisms that are really trying to create extinction in your humanity? You know, create extinction in your humanity? How do we find soft places to land a tribe that holds you and supports you, right? How do we really, again, disentangle the views of other people and the mechanism with which you work in? How do we disentangle that from how you treat yourself? Yeah, right, these are the same things that we talk about with everyone Complexity upon complexity, depending on what platform you have, mm-hmm, and the pressure that you feel to perform right.

Speaker 2: 23:20

And if we think about high achievers, we're celebrated for performing Right, and so if you think about that just in your circle, and then you have a whole system that you're part of or leading, also celebrating, also celebrating your productivity, efficiency, right, where is the space for your humanity? You have to make it for yourself. You are also leading this vessel that you've been entrusted with and if you actually live out loud with that level of vulnerability, it creates a current of change in your circle of influence for other people to begin looking at themselves and creating space for their own humanity.

Speaker 1: 24:11

I love that, I love that, so, so much. I just want to. That's a good thing, this is getting recorded. You can just play that y'all over and over and over again, cause that's the kind of leadership that needs to be modeled, really, I think, because our society just perpetuates this notion of the fact that, like, success breeds love and admiration and it's. It's just not the reality, because, especially if you're a woman, um, it's a double-edged sword, right, there's a whole likeability penalty. That's out there in the research, right, that Sheryl Sandberg did, like gosh.

Speaker 1: 24:46

It's been over a decade now where it just shows like women are seen as less likable the higher they climb, you know, and so you think you're being told by the world oh, the more successful you are, the more people will love and admire you, and it's like actually no, the more people are going to be coming after you, the more you're constantly going to have to defend yourself and the more you're going to have to look inward trust, love, respect, value yourself. Otherwise they're just going to tear you down and it's going to be as hard as hell and you're going to have to be as tough as nails in order to do it. I mean, I could just think of like a good handful of celebrities right now that have just. You know honestly, the women specifically that get put through the mill, that live their principles, are all about self-love and still are ready to quit and turn around and throw up their hands because it is that hard for them to not be under a critical eye and constantly judged.

Speaker 2: 25:41

Yes, yes, yes, yes yes, yes. Top three people in your life that create safety becomes the number one mission.

Speaker 1: 25:50

That's important. I think that's a good point. You know top three people. That makes a lot of sense. Let's talk a little bit about this then, since you know, we're saying you know, like I just said, a lot of people I think kind of in their heads think you know ambition leads to success, success leads to love and admiration. What if we were to redefine success and ambition and a little bit, because to me it feels like it's it's necessary and it's a necessary step in just getting us all into the right direction of just leading happier lives overall? How can we start to shift our perspective on success to prioritize our emotional wellness without necessarily sacrificing our professional goals?

Speaker 2: 26:39

Yeah, at times you will have to sacrifice your professional goals, but hopefully the redefining process allows you to weed out what's not supposed to be in your life. But if we were to redefine ambition, it really looks like emotional wellness if we look at the anatomy and the core of what we really, really, really desire. Right, it is not the landmarks of career success that people find that it is right, it is the human attribute or human ability that it gives you as a result of getting to that height it could be. I want this promotion because I want more freedom. I want this money in order to be able to support my family. I want to be able to ascend to this height because it will give me the sense of love and affirmation that I need. Right. So at the core of really what we're reaching for, grinding for ambition is really to be emotionally secure and safe.

Speaker 2: 27:53

Yeah, and so that's the redefinition. To get really down to the core is that I don't need this stuff. I'm really pressing for the person, the person in my mind that I knew I could always become, the person that is really at the essence of my true identity If I was free, if I was safe, if I had more money, if I didn't have to worry about constraints, if I could be imaginative and playful. This is really the success that we are innately, unconsciously moving toward, and so making it more prominent as a definition just makes sense. Right, will you sacrifice some things in your life? Yeah, you might, but you'll sacrifice it for what you truly, truly need and what you truly desire at the heart of who you are, and so that's really the life you want, isn't it?

Speaker 1: 29:02

should be and I have seen that, like some really wise folks in recent years, sort of have even opportunities come their way and they'll say you know what? I'm not going to say no, I'm just going to say not right now.

Speaker 2: 29:08

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 29:08

Because they just know that this isn't the time or maybe the place for them. And just having that inner knowing and wisdom is awesome and amazing. But I think you're right. You have to take the time and intentionality to spend with yourself and ask yourself why. I think it's always interesting when I talk to certain women and I appreciate the ambition, but they'll be like, well, I want a new job. And I'll say, okay, why? Well, because I want more money. Why, well, because I just want more money. Why, I mean, are you destitute? Are you having trouble to make ends meet? Are you saving money for a house? Well, I just want to make more money. And I said, well, you're going to make more money. But then what? Are you going to use that? To travel more? Are you going to give some to charity? Are you going to save for something that means something to you Like? What's the outcome?

Speaker 1: 30:02

Because at the end of the day, you know a couple more zeros with no intentionality isn't going to really make you happier or more satisfied, or more fulfilled or, as we said, get you to your truest sense of self.

Speaker 2: 30:12

So I love it. Great answer, so so true.

Speaker 1: 30:18

All right, let's talk about you know, another favorite topic. I'm like we're hitting all the trigger points imposter syndrome, burnout. Now let's say balance. We're talking about balance. Many folks struggle to balance their career ambitions with their personal wellbeing. What do you have any practical advice for finding this so-called and I'm using air quotes here for those who are just listening balance and maintaining what you describe as your personal agency? And maybe, if you want, for our listeners who don't understand that term, define a little bit of what personal agency means.

Speaker 2: 30:55

Absolutely so. Your personal agency is your ability not only to feel a thing but to do it Right, so to feel empowered enough to take the action that you desire Right, and so that's personal agency. The first piece of that is the felt sense of ability, confidence, capacity, and then the second portion of that is the action. I have the ability to act, I have the freedom to act, I have the permission to act. Personal agency is what we need in any aspect of our life to really move from one place to the next Right, and balance is really is quite triggering for a lot of people. Right, because we've tried to use that word in so many ways, and I was at a retreat. I was in a wellness retreat that I do every year, and I heard in one of the kind of breakout sessions that we had a word that felt so true and the facilitator talked about, instead of balance, he's really moving towards harmony.

Speaker 1: 32:03

Oh, I like that. I find integration, but I think I like harmony even better.

Speaker 2: 32:07

Yes, yes, harmony is what it is that we seek, because one day we may need 75% of this, the next day we need 25% of that same thing. And so, finding balance, we'll never find the formula. There is no formula for life. It's really all about harmony. It's about being able to understand the things that you're working towards mean something to you, and when they don't mean something to you, it's time for them to fade out. And so, seeking harmony, practical steps to seek harmony, is always going to start with your intuitive guidance. It's always going to start with how do I know what I'm doing? Is what I'm supposed to be doing? That is in silence, that is in meditation, that is in really sitting with the self. That is in meditation, that is in really sitting with the self. And it's also integration, finding integration between what I do personally and what my mission is professionally. And so, as I am doing something professionally, it's not taking away from my personal experience, it's adding to it. It is one path right.

Speaker 2: 33:24

And oftentimes we use the word balance because we feel as if they're diametrically opposed or there's just two worlds. Synergizing them, integrating them, allows you to say you know what today? My mission today is efficiency, so I'm going to do that with my kids. I'm going to do that in my meetings. I'm going to do that with the ways that I'm treating myself emotionally. I'm also going to cut a couple things off of my list today, because it's not efficient to do 10 things instead of eight, right, or?

Speaker 2: 34:00

My mission and intention today is love, and so everything that I do, I'm going to infuse love in my conversations as I get on the call with a professional colleague to ask them how they're doing, to give them a word of affirmation. I'm going to do the same thing with my kids today, right, and whatever gets in the way of me moving towards that intention, it gets off the list. And that love extends to myself. Right, I'm going to be loving with myself, I'm going to be gracious with myself. Right, that's harmony, and so, as we're thinking about harmony, it really helps us to draw upon constructs that are softer, softer, more emotionally centered, grounded, right, versus formulas, yeah, right, and so, yeah, that's that sense of harmony. How do I really really do just enough?

Speaker 1: 35:00

I love that just enough, because everything that you just gave there as an example was nothing huge, nothing tremendous, nothing overwhelming high over achievers. We don't have to change the world in a day. It's those small, tiny set, one small intention and just kind of drop it into the instances of your day and little increments. I love that. I kind of want to come back to this personal agency a little bit, because I do get this sense that it's definitely something a lot of us could use. You know, help or support and ideas in building a sense of personal agency, because a lot of folks have a sense of things happen to me versus for me. So for those who are listening, who don't feel like they have a good, strong sense of personal agency, how do we start to build that?

Speaker 2: 35:54

Oh, yes, good. So personal agency again. First part is confidence. Confidence is really just lived experience, right, experiential knowledge that I've done this a few times and I feel more comfortable, safer, being able to believe that I can do it again. Right, and so, building a sense of personal agency you need clocked hours of doing a thing, attempting something that's challenging. Right, and so it could be.

Speaker 2: 36:23

I have personal agency issues in my relationships, right, and so I'm going to have some attempts towards speaking up. I'm going to make some attempts towards saying what it is that I need. Right, I'm going to do that as much as possible to begin to learn and rely on the ability that I am gaining. Right, and so that's the first part. Experiential knowledge Do it as much as possible. Lean in that's the lock method. Lean into the discomfort. Well, I don't know how to do that. I know you don't know until you know. Let's try, let's experiment, let's be creative, right, and then that second part of the personal agency is to really take action. Right, first part of taking action is writing down what you feel like you need to take action on. Right, it could be I need to change my career. That is the action I'm going to lead up to it. I'm going to work on the confidence to do it, but I actually do know the answer is the action is I need to change my job right. The action is I need a different dynamic in my marriage, different dynamic in my marriage that it's taking away from my ability to move forward. That's the action. I'm going to identify what the action is right and then I'm going to get resource. I'm going to resource it as much as possible.

Speaker 2: 37:54

How can I actually move on that action, the support, the accountability, the compassion. Who are the people that are going to help move you to where you need to be? The people that say, hey, what's going on with the applications? You said wait, but you said you were. What's going on with the applications? What can I do to support you? Do you need me to? What's going on with the applications? Yeah, what can I do to support you? Do you need me to come over so we can do them together? Yeah, right, what's in between you and acting? Let's talk through it. Let's talk every Friday. Every Friday, let's talk about it. Who are the people that are actually going to support you and hold you accountable and also do that in a compassionate way. Right, that actually will model that for you as well.

Speaker 2: 38:47

So, clocked time it really is sometimes that easy, right? There are some folks that personal agency was taken or was never modeled. Gotcha, yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Therapy is really helpful in identifying how and when that happened and creating healing. So for some people, that's the first step. Yeah, right, see, that personal agency was dangerous, it was a threat, it was a problem and it continues to be a problem, maybe in my dynamic, in my life, and so therapy helps us to get clear on that. Coaching can sometimes I work with my clients on that. What is the threat? Because your body is feeling it. You don't have to overlook it. Not lazy yeah, you're not lazy, right. You're disempowered because of something that you needed to survive.

Speaker 1: 39:45

Right, yeah, yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

Speaker 2: 39:48

There are a couple on ramps. But working through that healing and then the clock time that builds confidence, and then the support internally and externally to get that personal agency, that's fantastic.

Speaker 1: 40:02

Thank you so much. Yeah, I could see how for some people that feels like very bold moves and I could also see how for some, that might need like therapy to kind of get to that point. So great, great answer. Thank you for that, and I don't know if that kind of like starts to actually almost answer the next question that I was going to ask. But you talk a lot about emotional wellness planning, so I was curious if we could kind of dive into that a little bit and what that is and how individuals can integrate this into their lives to better align both their ambition and their mental health.

Speaker 2: 40:35

Yes, In order to do anything. I think I'm biased because I'm in psychology. I believe understanding your background's important, right, that we can apply all kinds of strategy to a new company If we don't do any market research, it's null and void, right. And so understanding yourself is a first part of emotional wellness planning, right. What is it that I need?

Speaker 2: 41:00

What are the historic dynamics in childhood, in my early life, in my present life, that create certain vulnerabilities to me? Right, I need to know that, because if it is fear as a result of trauma, it's fear in the boardroom, it's fear in doing the nonprofit, it's fear in how I talk to my colleagues. It's everywhere. And so the planning comes in identifying harmful beliefs about who you are and how you've been shaped, and understanding what are the key interventions and strategies you need to really overcome those psychological issues. Right, and then, on top of that, it is what is the ritual wellness plan that helps me directly address these vulnerabilities? Right, if it is for a person speaking up. Right For a person speaking up. Right If that's their kind of their psychological dynamic from being in a high household where speaking up was connected to danger or threat or it was really really not celebrated in the family.

Speaker 2: 42:11

For that person, having environments where speaking up is modeled is a ritual, right? So being in spaces again, like together in digital, not in you speaking up first no, you're not going to do that at first, You're going to watch it, right, you're going to immerse yourself in it, right, and that is a ritual. That is something that I've planned to do to begin normalizing this tendency within my life, and it could be that as a result of that, if we follow that thread the same person speaking up as an issue because there's internalized fear about who I am I'm going to also develop a practice that helps to regulate my nervous system, because that was probably an issue for me Anxiety was probably an issue for me, not feeling resourced enough, and so now I'm in environments that are really teaching me how people speak up so I can see it. It's modeled. And then also in my daily practice, I am now finding strategy in calming the nervous system when it becomes activated, right.

Speaker 2: 43:21

So now I have that as a tool and a strategy and I put that into my plan, right, and then also, as a result of that, I maybe even shy away from professions that require me or positions that require me to speak up, that require me or positions that require me to speak up right, it's really really a part of your big life everywhere, right, and so, as a result of that, now a part of my ritual is I'm beginning to investigate spaces that are requiring me to speak up, that I have really a desire to be in, right, and so I'm starting to look those up.

Speaker 2: 44:02

I'm researching those. That's a part of my plan. It could be that I have a spiritual dynamic that I feel powerless, and so I'm going to put myself in places where I can give back to people and empower them as I'm empowering myself. That's a part of my plan. My charitable benevolence is a part of my plan, right, and so emotional wellness planning is really understanding yourself and creating daily practices that help you resolve some of the psychological dynamics that you have, as well as interjecting some of these into how you do your professional life.

Speaker 1: 44:45

I love it. That's, it's wonderful. I think a lot of this too. I'm kind of curious, like this isn't a question that I had written before, but has some of this sort of helped some of the women that you've worked with sort of look at and evolve and shape their leadership style?

Speaker 2: 45:03

as well. Absolutely Mm-hmm. Because when we are seen, when we see ourself, it's easier for us to see another person. Compassion begets more compassion, right, and so, as a leader, being able to access empathy, compassion, emotional attunement meaning we're actually listening to the dynamic of what a person is trying to convey to us right, that changes how you are fundamentally as a leader. Having mindfulness as a strategy before you go into meetings, you know that you're kind of thinking about so many things and you're dysregulated. Mindfulness is how I start a meeting. Not only will you do that for yourself, but then what if you and I've had women do this. What if you start your business call with a 60 minute or 60 seconds, excuse me, a 60 second mindfulness practice? First of all, you know you need it, and if I need it, others need it. And now you become this empathic. Become this empathic, mindful leader that recognizes your circle of influence is so much more impacted by your presence than your productivity. Yep, yeah.

Speaker 1: 46:22

Change game changer.

Speaker 1: 46:23

I agree, I absolutely agree, and I think it's kind of goes back to something we were talking about earlier is just bringing more of that humanity into leadership and how we model it.

Speaker 1: 46:34

Because I also think that a lot of times the reason why we feel this sense of imposter syndrome or a lack of belonging is because sometimes we kind of come into these spaces where we are being ambitious or we're playing the part of someone who's successful or a leader, and we realize that we aren't living our truest selves and that's in conflict with our values and that just doesn't feel well and it doesn't sit well within our sense of self and value and purpose.

Speaker 1: 47:04

And so it's like, oh, I've gotten this place, but I don't feel like I got here because of living out my sense of values or morals, and now I'm not behaving in a way that feels right for me. I'm acting out in a way that is, you know, maybe idealized leadership, which has been modeled for me but isn't right for me, right? So I think I love all of these exercises and reflective practices you're giving us, because I do think it's a really great way to kind of be a more thoughtful and intentional leader and just really allow that space for all of us and really hopefully produce a next generation of more thoughtful and intentional leaders.

Speaker 2: 47:46

That's right and I will say this, amy sometimes what we do as leaders, we may not actually come into moments with solutions. We list solutions right, that we know how to get the deliverables right, but do we actually know how to offer an empathic solution Like you know what? You know what helps me? 15 minutes at the end of the day, I really sit and I reflect on the day and it's called my tea time and I really sit through it.

Speaker 2: 48:15

That is a strategy that you give someone, not just hey, we need it in the morning. I'm sorry. Yes, we need it in the morning. And this is what's helpful to me Meditation, the calm app. You know what Our company has the calm app. It's cheaper. You should get it. It's helpful. Offer real solutions.

Speaker 1: 48:38

Yeah, I agree, I agree, I think it goes a long way for employee productivity, employee retention, employee satisfaction. It's just, it's like all these companies are really struggling with employee engagement, retention, all these things, and it just it seems like such a at least in my opinion. I'm like it's kind of a no brainer. You know, it's just, it's you need. You're just not investing in the right places and you're just not treating them like humans and you're not recognizing that you're human and you know it's just. You know, at some point they're going to come to the realization that I very much realities for a lot of us.

Speaker 2: 49:39

Yeah. So I am a big believer in like the quarterly check in right. So typically my clients, we recognize that we have a aggressive plan of resting and so every six to eight weeks there's a rest period. It could be that I take a Friday off, right. It could be that I'm coming in late on Monday, it could be that I've got to work most of the day, but the way that I'm curating my environment is with meditation, music in the back, it's, with beautiful sounds and smells, so there's got to be some rest, and so integrating that into your work is a strategy. But I'm a big believer in the quarterly inventory. It's a holistic inventory. I call it the four corners.

Speaker 2: 50:31

But being able to look at your life emotionally, spiritually, physically, psychologically, right and assessing where you are, this is really big for the high achiever, because we can blow past these moments of actually sitting with ourselves and identifying what we need. So we can't get toward implementation without that mindfulness. So that's the first thing. And so if you, let's say, spiritually, you're finding that I'm not really tapping into anything greater than myself. I'm not a part of any charities, I'm not a part of any societies that are really giving back to anybody. I'm not doing any spiritual dynamics and so I really need to, in this next quarter, lean into that. So I'm going to plan, I'm going to integrate how I can improve my spiritual life into the next six to eight weeks, and so that means I might go and get a little brother, little sister, to be able to kind of give them things for their school and pour into them. It might mean that I'm going to do more meditation and yoga and I'm going to block out the next six weeks and I'm going to preload and plan that so that I don't have to worry about it. And so those kind of check-ins are really important for high achievers as well as collectives. Are you a part of any collective that is offering to you a moment to think about your mental health, not just what you do, but how you do it? If we're not in collectives that are celebrating it and talking about it, it's not very common. And so integrating, being a part of a collective that talks about how you do things and being active in it is a beautiful reminder that this is the mission I have in life, right?

Speaker 2: 52:35

And then, lastly, it is if you can teach. I learned this going to school, doing pre-med, even though I changed. Going to pre-med, one of my professors would often tell me if you can teach it, you probably know it Right. And so in what way are you teaching other people, other women, right? Are you teaching other women how to do things? How are you kind of channeling your inner Amy to say, hey, how do I create a space where I am intentional about how I'm helping other people think about their emotional and mental health and integrate that into your schedule, into your life, into the way that you're showing up? You're not just checking boxes. If you're living, hear, start living intentionally and purposefully. Changing people's lives, changing your own life, should be at the top of your list, yeah.

Speaker 1: 53:47

I agree, your tombstone will not have that checklist on it. It will not have that checklist on it and I love that idea of that quarterly check-in. I instituted at the beginning of this year what I call my quarterly me treats, which my next one is next Wednesday, where I take the day off and I do something for myself. Last quarter was I'm going to the art museum and I legit spent like an hour and a half in one indigenous art, like glass art, like exhibit and cause I usually go with my kids and I can't, I can't stay and look or read anything. And the guy when I came out was like, oh God, you were in there for a long time. I was like, yeah, no, kids, I could read every placard, I could study every piece, I watched every video. You bet I was in there for an hour and a half.

Speaker 1: 54:36

Buddy, I'm thinking I might go to the zoo next week because I love the zoo and I never really get the chance to like really take my time and you know of taking the time to sort of like journal, reflect, look at kind of all of the aspects of my life. I like to use LifeWheel I think it's like LifeWheelio maybe is the website. We'll include it in the show notes. But you know, if the idea is, is that if now we're redefining ambition, is, you know, working towards being our truest and our best selves. And yeah, you need to kind of almost operate like you might a business and you're going to check in with yourself quarterly and you're going to say, am I going in the right direction? And if you're not checking in with yourself, you're not staying the course, you're not staying the path. And it is, you're right, it's so, so easy, because we put everyone and everything else first to sort of not have that check in and I live by my calendar.

Speaker 1: 55:27

I am a productivity nerd, so that's why I do make that intention. At the beginning of the year I said these are my dates and you know, if something major comes up and I've got to move it, I move it. I don't cancel it, I move it, but it still happens. But that's definitely been one thing that I've implored this year. That's been really helpful, so I'm going to layer in your evaluation along with that. I think that's a great idea.

Speaker 1: 55:54

All right, we've got a few minutes left, so I want to make sure our live listening audience knows that they can ask questions as well. Just use the chat. I'll keep an eye on the chat for that. Otherwise, I'm going to just ask you our last few questions that we've got here as we begin to wrap things up. But don't be shy, folks, if you have questions. Workplace wellness is pretty critical for our overall health, especially in our current economy where there's been a lot of layoffs, a lot of organizational changes and shifts. What is it that organizations could do in particular to help support their employees' emotional wellness effectively?

Speaker 2: 56:25

Oh great, okay, good Organizations really care about it. Have a town hall, have a moment to really think about and assess the wellness of your personnel. Ask them, they will tell you. Ways of doing that are having listening circles, bringing in a mental health professional to be able to have moments where they can talk about how they're feeling and assess where they are in the process, without judgment and without punity. Right, and also, after we have assessed it, let's look at programs that will allow us to address these issues right.

Speaker 2: 57:02

Again, it could be a quarterly lunch and learn. It could be an ERG group where you bring in someone that can talk about burnout, talk about imposter syndrome, talk about meditation and mindfulness. I've seen folks have wellness activations where they have half day off and then they are just have the half day is a wellness. So they have yoga people that come in. They have massage therapists that come in. They have folks that are allowing people to talk about and have office hours to talk about what they care about, and then resource, resource, resource. Oftentimes, people, their mental health, are impacted because they don't have enough resources. Help us.

Speaker 1: 57:44

All right, throw us a lifeline.

Speaker 2: 57:48

And so you know, actually listen to what the resources are and provide them extra time, extra personnel. You know the things that they need that actually feel people are addressing them.

Speaker 1: 58:02

Yeah, Listen and support. Listen and then act. Don't just listen and be like okay.

Speaker 2: 58:10

But you know what's so interesting? Even if you listen, there's so much effectiveness in there. There's a lot of research on that. Even if a person feels that you're having empathic listening, it changes their ability to still stay in the game and be resilient.

Speaker 1: 58:27

Oh, 100%. This is why, at Together Digital, we have a channel just for social yelling. That's quite therapeutic. You just, in all caps, yell whatever you need to yell into the abyss and I mean people sometimes say things and share emojis or whatever but really it's just there for you to just get it out and people hear you. Yes, absolutely. We had a great question come in from Elizabeth, so I want to make sure we ask it really quickly before we wrap up how can you distinguish the difference between a regular career burnout and I need a career change burnout?

Speaker 2: 58:59

Ooh, great question, Elizabeth. Absolutely. Is it chronic or not, Right? No matter how the job changes, no matter how the seasons change, I'm busy, I'm not busy. I have a project. I don't have a project. It's summer, it's fall.

Speaker 2: 59:13

I'm always irritable, always lack of creativity, always I don't really tap into my flow, state meaning I just really feel good about doing this. It's really difficult for me to tap into that, no matter how much the circumstances change. It may be that this entire industry is an issue, right? Especially if you've changed positions. Change positions and see oh, I changed and I still don't love it. Oh, I changed and I still don't love it. Okay, I might be in a situation where I need a career change. The other side of that is address the burnout first, no matter what it is. Address the burnout, Recovery, rest, take time off. I have people take six week short-term leave in order to really really rest. If you're feeling like you're having a breakdown, take a moment, take two weeks and actually search and find the curiosity you once had as a kid that felt really good and just something that makes me feel good. Explore that and tap back into that to see you know if that gives you some wisdom.

Speaker 1: 1:00:35

I love that. That was one thing I was floored to learn. We lived in the UK for about two years and we had a friend who was going through some mental health struggles and he took six weeks stress leave. I was like that's a thing, you could just take stress leave here and he got paid full for it?

Speaker 2: 1:00:51

Yes, it's called stress syndrome. Is the the code?

Speaker 1: 1:00:54

That's amazing, like we need to know that that's a thing and that we can take that as an option. Possibly one more quick question. I know we're at time, but I just love that people are asking and these are important things, so as long as you're good, we'll ask Okay, cool. Stephanie wants to know what tips do you have for dealing with executive dysfunction and difficulties taking care of yourself and your home when you just feel too worn out after work?

Speaker 2: 1:01:19

I think there was a study on this, I forget what publication. A journalist asked me about this recently. It's um. Kids come out after kids leave school. They have like a kind of a letdown of emotions at the end of the day and that kind of decompensate.

Speaker 1: 1:01:39

I have a seven year old.

Speaker 2: 1:01:40

I'm like I know this I don't know the name, but it is a thing. Yeah, yeah, I think that was Huffington post but you just a decompensation and people adults are having that decompensation right, and so sometimes you really actually need to have moments where you decompensate. If you have a partner, that would be great and allow your partner to know. I'm at the cliff here, I'm at the edge, and I really need a moment of being able to get outside, being able to do something that regulates the body while the brain rests, and so tap it right and then experiment with that to see if you need that in your daily practice Also. Secondly, what are things that help to regulate that nervous system? Because your synapses, your brain, works a lot better when you have regular meditation, regular regulation practices. So that's the short answer. That's a kind of layered question, but hopefully that's helpful.

Speaker 1: 1:02:47

Yeah, it is. Yeah, I was going to say I like doing my heart centered, breathing, so focusing on getting my my heart rhythm kind of lower so that my brain slows down, or putting my hands on my head to slow down my thinking, meditation. But one thing I've noticed since the pandemic to working from home the separation between home and work. We don't have that drive home. That was my decompression time was I would leave the office and have a 20 minute drive home. So, stephanie, give yourself that time. If you are going straight from your home office back downstairs to maybe start doing the home things, what kind of decompression time do you allot for yourself? Maybe in your office or home space? Maybe you go out and go for a quick walk around the block. Maybe it's a different activity before you go downstairs. But consider that maybe that might be part of the issue as well. I don't know exactly what your situation is, but that's just a thought.

Speaker 2: 1:03:40

That regression is key, though. Let yourself regress. I'm serious. Have a tantrum, literally allow yourself, because there's something in you that is trying to come out. So if you have your partner or you have someone that can help you or it's in the car, regress, yeah.

Speaker 1: 1:03:59

Yeah, absolutely Wonderful. Thank you so much again. I just it's so great to have you here with us to talk about all of these things and again, we could talk for a solid two hours. So you know I'm sure we'll have you back at some point. But again, thank you all so much. We will include links for all of you so that you can get in touch with Aquina and you know follow what she's doing and you know if you need to reach out and you'd like to talk with her or learn any more about the work that she's doing, you can do that as well. Thank you so much, akua. It was wonderful being with you today. Enjoy the long weekend everyone. Thank you so much for being with us here today. We hope to see you all next week. Until then, please keep asking, keep giving and keep growing. Until then, take care, bye. La. Produced by Heartcast Media.