111 | The Secret to Ending the Avoidance Cycle So You Can Find Peace

Avoiding your problems never works, not even for Scarlett O'Hara. The mindset of "I'll think about it tomorrow" just creates bigger problems and more emotional distress. It's normal to feel overwhelmed when walking through hard times, you just need the right tools to help you manage and process those emotions.

In this episode, I'm talking about why you feel overwhelmed, the consequences of avoiding your problems and emotions, and how to break the avoidance cycle once and for all so you can have peace in your life no matter what.

Join the Peace-Filled Mind group coaching program here: https://latoyaedwards.net/group

Related Episodes:
107 | The Real Reason Your Faith Isn't Helping You Manage Your Emotions
109 |  The Hidden Problem of Ignoring and Suppression Your Emotions
110 | Why Quick Fixes Won't Help When You Feel Overwhelmed

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

For a really long time, I was increasingly frustrated. When I would share with somebody that I was struggling with something, that my life was feeling overwhelming, that I didn't know what to do, that I was lost for direction, and they would, you know, smile at me and they would open their mouth and they out would come this Christian platitude right, well, god never gives us more than we can handle, or something like that. It never ceased to frustrate me to no end. I still find it a little frustrating, but it doesn't affect me as much as it used to. But here's the thing when that moment where I was super overwhelmed, I was avoiding dealing with whatever it was, and so telling me that, well, god wasn't going to give me more than I could handle wasn't helpful, because I heard well, you should be able to handle this, okay, but I can't. So what's wrong with me? And so then, instead of like listening and discerning and trying to figure out how to deal with things, my brain was stuck on trying to figure out what's wrong with me, okay, and so I was again avoiding the problem. Right, I was avoiding the problem originally because I was overwhelmed and didn't want to do, and then I was avoiding the problem by thinking about something else. That wasn't actually the problem, but it was easier for me to think on that than actually deal with the actual problem. Are you following me?

Speaker 1: 1:17

Well, this is something that I see a lot inside our community and with the ladies that I work with. Is that we get to the point, or you get to the point, where life is just so difficult, Nothing makes any sense and you're so overwhelmed by all of the things that you are feeling that you're like you know what, I'm just not going to deal with that. I don't know how. It's too hard, it's too overwhelming, and every time I try I feel worse. So I'm just not going to do that anymore. Well, this is a problem, right? We don't want to be the kind of women that avoid dealing with whatever is in front of us. We want to be able to face our problems head on, to manage our emotions, to manage the thoughts that come up, to have resilience right, to keep our faith really strong, no matter what is coming at us, and we've got to learn how to do that. So today, on the podcast, I'm going to share with you some encouragement, a little tough love and some encouragement when it comes to avoiding your problems. Are you looking to manage your emotions and calm your mind so that you don't feel overwhelmed by all the hard times going on right now? Would you like to find true rest and peace in God and a little joy in your weariness? What about understanding why you feel things so deeply, especially when you're stressed? If so, you're in the right place.

Speaker 1: 2:35

Welcome to the Peace-Filled Mind podcast, your go-to resource for practical tips, real talk and encouragement. I'm your host, latoya Edwards, life and mindset coach and, most of all, a woman who's walked through pain and suffering just like you, no matter what you're currently facing in life or how you've dealt with things in the past. I'm here to help you find peace, joy and hope again. Pop in those earbuds and let's get to it.

Speaker 1: 3:02

Feeling overwhelmed by life's challenges, struggling to find peace in the middle of all of your chaos? Do overwhelming problems seem just too daunting to deal with, leaving you feeling stuck and emotionally exhausted? Well, listen, you're not alone. Avoiding difficult issues is something that we all struggle with from time to time, and it offers sometimes temporary relief right, but in the end, it just intensifies the chaos and the turmoil and the heartache that we're already experiencing. Okay, and this is a cycle that we get stuck in. We're just in a loop of distress, of hopelessness, right, and it takes a toll on us physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. Right, but there is hope. You don't have to let avoidance rob you of the peace, right, that you search for, that you long for, that God promises to us when we're walking through hard times, and my Peaceful Mind group coaching program is going to help you do just that. You are going to learn practical tips and strategies on how to face overwhelming problems head on. You're going to learn how to build resistance I'm sorry, not resistance, but resilience, okay and really cultivate mindfulness, embrace vulnerability and be able to cope and deal with life when it gets hard and challenging. So I want you to go over to latoyedwardsnet slash group for all the details on how you can get started inside this program today and start taking those first important steps towards managing your emotions well, no matter what is going on in your life, all, right.

Speaker 1: 4:40

So today we are all myself included going to need to put on our bill girl pants because, right, I'm not pulling any punches today, right, we're talking about avoiding problems, right, when things are hard and specifically like the emotional consequences of that. So what do I mean when I say avoiding problems? Well, it's really hard for me to give you a very clear, concrete definition and explanation, because it's going to look different for each of us, right, as unique as we each are. We are going to avoid our things, as different and unique, right of our own situations. But, generally speaking, right, it's just like not dealing with what's actually the problem in front of you. Ok, so it's things like well, I'm really struggling with buying too many things and over shopping. So, instead of actually addressing why I'm doing that, I'm going to clip coupons and mess with the budget a little bit, see if I can find more money so that I can buy more things. Right, those kinds of things.

Speaker 1: 5:47

And like, we can see this in any area of our life. Okay, it can be work, it can be your relationships, it can be your health, it can be your finances, it can be anything. And what we really have to learn to do is, right to get to the bottom of that. Like, why am I feeling so overwhelmed all of the time? So I say often with my clients, with my students is that when they come to me and they say I'm so overwhelmed, right, I'm like, yeah, that's not enough, because usually overwhelm is our catch all label for what we're feeling. We don't actually know what we're feeling. Okay, so it's not so much that you're overwhelmed, it's that you're feeling something else and it's overwhelming you, and so, really, we've got to learn how to identify what that thing is, so that we can then work on how to cope and deal with the overwhelm that comes from that. Okay, and so I see this a lot. So when we have major life transitions okay, you're dealing with a death or divorce or moving right, changing jobs I've got a son that's graduating high school right now, and so, like, that is a big transition that can cause a lot of stress.

Speaker 1: 6:59

Right, there's health issues and all these things that come up, and when we avoid them and don't deal with them, it just makes things worse. Right, we keep talking about how, when we don't deal with things, we don't deal with them in a healthy way, they don't go away. They actually get bigger and bigger and bigger, which just increases the amount of overwhelm that we're feeling. Okay, and so this avoidance that we do, it's actually a coping mechanism. Right, it's our attempt to deal with the overwhelm. Okay, it's like, oh, I'm overwhelmed, so I'm not going to deal with it. Oh wait, I'm still overwhelmed. Well, I'm not going to deal with that either. Oh wait, it's coming back, I'm not going to deal with it.

Speaker 1: 7:32

Okay, it's this never ending cycle that we get stuck in and, like I keep saying, like it's not going to go anywhere, it's still going to be there. You're just reinforcing the negative patterns that you're having. You're just reinforcing that despair that you're feeling. Okay, it doesn't go anywhere. So what do we do? Right, we've got to learn how to recognize when we are avoiding things. Okay, pay attention to the triggers and the behaviors that you have that are like you avoiding. Okay, so for me, I will get really busy organizing or planning things. My life feels so out of control. So, instead of actually addressing the actual problem, I will clean out drawers and go through clothes and make lots of lists and all of these things. Right, it's my way of trying to have the illusion of control of something because I feel so out of control, but it's not actually dealing with the thing that's causing me to feel out of control. Right, it's just something else that's occupying my time.

Speaker 1: 8:40

Okay, sometimes we avoid out of fear of failure or fear of rejection. Perfectionism can cause us to avoid. Sometimes we just don't like feel confident that we know how to handle it. Right, we don't really have a good coping skills, coping mechanisms, and so what you really need here is a lot of compassion for yourself, right, and no judgment, right, just recognize that in that moment you're probably doing the best that you can because it's hard and it is overwhelming, and so, being kind to yourself and giving yourself the time and the space and the grace that you need to actually develop the skills that you need to deal well, okay, actually develop the skills that you need to deal well, okay.

Speaker 1: 9:22

So we find ourselves on this emotional roller coaster, right, this up and down and around and upside down and back, and loop and loop and loop, okay. And this is what we get stuck in and it just amplifies your anxiety. It amplifies, right, your stress and, yes, you might have short-term relief, like you might have a couple of days or a couple of weeks right, where you feel like you gotta handle on things, but in the long run, you're just adding to the emotional distress that you're feeling, okay, and so you've got to really understand that things that are unresolved, they do not go away. They keep showing up and eventually they get bigger and bigger, and bigger and bigger until they are so big that you can no longer avoid it. Right, you burn out, you hit rock bottom. Right, your mental health is just so like difficult and just struggling that you've got to go and get all the professional help right at that point because you didn't, you weren't able to kind of get a grip on things earlier than that.

Speaker 1: 10:23

It leads to a lot of guilt and shame. Right, I experienced this. I had a lot of guilt over how bad my situation got, especially with my kids involved, because I, right, I wasn't good enough or strong enough to deal with it. I have a lot of shame on that, like, what kind of mother am I? What kind of woman am I? What kind of person am I that I let things get this bad? Okay, but the truth is is that I did not have the skills I needed to confront my problems head on. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what I didn't know no-transcript it, whatever, it is. Right, I had a really low self-esteem, okay, but I felt really incapable, really inadequate. Right, I had no confidence. I didn't like, I didn't think that I could do anything. I couldn't do laundry, right, I couldn't parent well, like I couldn't cook, like I couldn't do anything and I was plagued by doubt. I doubted myself. I second, third, fourth, fifth guest questioned myself over every little thing.

Speaker 1: 11:54

It was a really dark time. All right, my relationships were strained, rightined Right, because like I just I couldn't, I couldn't, I was not a good person to be close to because of all the unresolved stuff that I had. Right, and I couldn't show up for my friends and for my people in my circle because, like I wasn't able to function on my own and that left me feeling out of control. Right, I felt like I had no agency, like I couldn't make my own choices. I couldn't make my own decisions. I just needed somebody to come in and tell me what to do and how to do it, because I just could not muster up the energy or the mental and emotional strength that I needed to do that and altogether it took a really big emotional toll over me. Okay, like all of it kind of added up together and knocked me flat on my behind for a really, really long time and it took me a long time to get up from that and sometimes this looks like a mental health crisis, like what I was experienced.

Speaker 1: 12:53

Sometimes it's substance abuse, sometimes it's like other unhealthy things, and we want to learn how to deal with these things so that we can avoid falling into these traps, into these pits and going down these paths. But if you're like, listen, I'm already there, right, that's okay. It's never too late to break the cycle of avoidance and start your journey towards emotional healing and growth, right, like, you're still here, you're still alive, it's not too late. You can take the step that you need to start taking care of yourself and to begin to do better. Ok, and I'm going to give you some motivation here. Right, so we're going to get really real. And so here we go. Motivation here, right, so we're going to get really real. And so here we go.

Speaker 1: 13:42

Sometimes, when we are avoiding things, it has great effects I've talked a little bit about, like the emotional effects and some of the interpersonal effects, but we see a lot of psychological effects as well, especially when it comes to unresolved trauma. Okay, so what we find is that when we avoid dealing with things, it's a snowball effect where we just have more unresolved trauma. Okay, so what we find is that when we avoid dealing with things, it's a snowball effect where we just have more unresolved things and more unresolved things and more unresolved things and just gets bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger until it's so complex and so involved that we need professional help to begin to untangle that and deal with it. Like there's just no way that you can deal with that and cope with that on your own at that point, because it's too convoluted. All right, you're going to have extreme anxiety, extreme fear.

Speaker 1: 14:24

Okay, you avoid things because, like, you're afraid of it or because you don't know what to do, right. But the more that you do that you are you live in this heightened state of waiting for the other shoe to drop, like you're always anticipating something bad. You're always like dread. You know what's coming, what's coming, what's coming, what's coming. You live your life that way and that is so like it's such a hard place to be. Okay, because you know what it does. It just increases that fear and that anxiety. The more that you're being afraid and you're being anxious, right you.

Speaker 1: 14:56

The more that you're being afraid and you're being anxious, right, you're going to see lots of impacts on, like your cognitive functioning, and I'm not going to get really deep here, but just think about how hard it can be to focus, to make decisions, to solve problems. Right, like you can't concentrate, you can't remember anything because, right, your mind is so consumed with all the things that you're not, you know, dealing with. Right, and this can lead to all kinds of things. Right, we're going to have an escalation of these avoidance behaviors. Right of you know, self-harm or things like that. Right, you might see physical things, right, tension, headaches, stomach issues, not being able to sleep, right, okay, I'm talking about myself here.

Speaker 1: 15:37

Okay, and it's just going to continue to reinforce all of these negative beliefs that you have about yourself, like this belief that you can't cope, that you're inadequate, that you don't know what you're doing. Right, that it's your fault, that you're worthless. You're just reinforcing those things by not dealing with it. Um, right, the lesson goodness, the less skills that you're going to have to cope, okay, so, basically, it's like a muscle, so the more that you use it right, the more resilient you are. Right, you're going to be able to do that more, but if you don't cope and you don't do well, you're going to lose the ability to do it over time and it kind of becomes the self fulfilling prophecy of, well, I can't deal, so I'm not going to deal, and eventually you can't deal because you haven't been dealing, okay. So what do you do? Okay, well, you've got to relearn or learn healthy coping skills, right, therapy, support groups, right, self-health books, all of these things and listen, I'm not talking about quick fixes. I'm talking about things that you add into your toolbox to have to help yourself and support yourself on this journey. And it's going to look very different depending on what your situation is, what your personality is and what works for you, okay, but overall, it's going to involve some common principles.

Speaker 1: 16:57

Okay, it's going to involve, like, understanding and cultivating awareness and mindfulness. I've been talking about this a lot being aware of what you're feeling, aware of what you're thinking, aware of, like your actions and what's happening. Because of that, being mindful, right, being present in your body, in your life, in your situations, right, being mindful helps you with that awareness, because you're paying attention to your body, you're paying attention to your thoughts, you're paying attention to your emotions, so then you can identify what's actually going on, okay, and there's so many techniques and things that you can learn when it comes to mindfulness and like. All of that is in the Peaceful Mind program. When you join, you get a whole lesson about that, a whole like printable thing to help your mind you of that. So, right, I've got you covered for that.

Speaker 1: 17:46

Right, you're going to be able to develop self-compassion, be compassionate for yourself, be kind to yourself as you're learning how to do these things, okay. Next, you're going to learn how to embrace vulnerability and courage. You have got to drop the facade, drop the mask, drop all pretense okay, drop it all and just be real. The mask, drop all pretense Okay, drop it all and just be real, because if you aren't going to be real and raw and authentic, it's not going to work. You got to face this head on, with no pretense. Okay, it's going to allow you to acknowledge what you're actually struggling with, where you need help, where you need support, that you can go find what you need, okay, and I'm not talking about like big, huge steps, like teeny, tiny steps that together add up right to help you be really successful in dealing with your problems and dealing with your emotions Right, getting the support and connection that you need.

Speaker 1: 18:38

Listen, you cannot do this work and this journey by yourself. You need people. You need community. This is coming from the biggest introvert on the planet. Okay, you need people. I'm not saying you need a thousand people, but you need to have that circle of people that you can be open and honest and vulnerable with right. They're going to check on you, they're going to support you. They aren't going to let you make excuses. They're going to hold you accountable. You need that, right. You need professionals, okay, therapy, coaching, counseling, right. A mentor, support groups, whatever it is. You need to get all of that in place so that you can have what you need to grow and to learn and to get healthy right and learn how to process your emotions. And all of this is key to developing coping skills and resilience right.

Speaker 1: 19:22

Our goal when it comes to facing our problems head on is resilience. We want to be able to deal with life as it comes. We want to be able to bounce back from whatever it is that life throws at us right. That is our goal and it's a muscle. The more that you practice resilience, the more resilient you will become, because as long as you're here on earth, you're going to have hard times In this world. Right, you will have troubles, but take heart, because Jesus is over. You know, come the world like stuff's gonna happen, and so what you need is resilience. Okay, you're also gonna need to learn how to set realistic goals and boundaries right. Boundaries are a good thing, they are helpful, they are wonderful, right, but you've gotta be realistic with what you're trying to accomplish as well, and boundaries will help you to protect your emotional health, to protect you, know your journey and help you stick to those goals.

Speaker 1: 20:15

And you've also got to learn to just embrace growth and transformation. Listen, it's not an easy process, it's not a pretty process and I'm going to be a thousand percent honest with you, it doesn't feel good at all. Learning how to identify your emotions and manage them and process them and all of that stuff it is messy, it's ugly, right, there's stuff down there that you probably aren't going to want to deal with. That's when your support system comes in, right? I can't tell you the number of times that I have been working on something and I'm like, oh, this is awful. And I have to go to my therapist and say, okay, I was journaling the other day and here's what came up. Can you help me process this Right, because I know I need to deal with it, but I don't want to. I need your help. Can you help me? Okay, but embrace that growth. Okay, embrace the fact that it's going to take time, that it's going to be work, but listen, it's worth it. It's so worth it on the other side. You are so worth it on the other side.

Speaker 1: 21:09

And the last thing that I want to leave you with is just this encouragement to celebrate your progress, right. Celebrate your effort right, even like, celebrate the fact that you listened to this podcast and you got some information that you can use to help yourself. Right, celebrate that. Celebrate your progress. Acknowledge your hard work. Okay, that's going to go a long way in helping you practice that self-compassion and self-care that we keep talking about. Okay, and remember it takes time.

Speaker 1: 21:37

Setbacks are a part of the process. You're going to take two steps forward and eight steps back Sometimes. That's okay. You're taking steps, you're doing the work right, you're trying your best and that is what is important. I want you to remember that you just keep going, you persevere. Treat yourself with kindness, right, lean on your support system and, little by little, that little bit will become a lot right, and you'll find yourself right a year from now, two years from now, 10 years from now right, no longer avoiding your problems. You will be able to face anything that comes your way, and you'll be able to teach that to the people around you as well. I hope you were blessed and encouraged by today's episode. I would love to hear from you. The best way to do that is to leave a five-star rating and review on your podcast player, sharing what you loved or found helpful about today's episode. This helps other women find the show and it's a huge blessing to me. Thank you so much for joining me today.