57. The Pre-Dating Game

Have you ever wondered if the secret to a successful romance might be hidden in the foundations of friendship? Get ready to uncover the nuances of pre-dating as the Vallottons guide you through the art of assessing potential love interests from a platonic starting point. Navigating the transition from friendship to romance can be like walking a tightrope, but this conversation promises to equip you with the insights to maintain your balance with grace. Jason and Lauren delve into the complexities of opposite-sex friendships for singles, where clarity and integrity are paramount for respectful boundaries that don't impede on future romances. Plus, don't miss their take on the 'friend zone' conundrum and the art of striking just the right tempo between friendship and courtship.

The Vallottons share personal stories and seasoned advice on the significance of understanding a potential partner's family dynamics and the intricacies of their personal relationships. They provide a lens through which to view someone's background and values, even in seemingly casual settings, such as parties or during shared experiences. And as Jason and Lauren dissect the importance of communication in the modern dating world, they'll help you navigate the nebulous realm of physical attraction versus emotional connections, offering strategies for clear dialogue that can steer you away from the pitfalls of misinterpretation. Whether you're swiping right or meeting organically, this episode is your compass to a dating journey filled with intention and understanding.

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Transcript

Speaker 2: 0:00

We're the Valentines and we are passionate about people.

Speaker 1: 0:03

Every human was created for fulfilling relational connection.

Speaker 2: 0:07

But that's not always what comes easiest.

Speaker 1: 0:09

We know this because of our wide range of personal experience, as well as our years of working with people.

Speaker 2: 0:15

So we're going to crack open topics like dating, marriage, family and parenting to encourage, entertain and equip you for a deeply fulfilling life of relational health. All right, everybody, it is Wednesday, so we are back with dates, mates and babies, with the Valentines. It is good to be with you, as always, and I'm excited about our topic. Today we are going to be talking a little bit about dating or, more specifically, the pre-dating game, because you know what? It's February, which means there's people that are thinking about taking that special person out on a date, and we've got some input, some wisdom, some good advice and some nuggets of information for you listeners. Ready babe.

Speaker 1: 0:59

Yeah, should we dive in. Let's dive in.

Speaker 2: 1:01

Okay, so pre-dating. What does that mean? What are we talking about?

Speaker 1: 1:06

Well, I mean, we all start out pre-dating, right? We all start out in these relationships with people where you're trying to figure out like how do I know if I should move forward with this person and are they off limits, and how to start our relationship, and what am I looking for when starting a relationship? And all that stuff is pre-dating, you know. And so I think the better we are at being friends and hanging out and being intentional, the easier it is to find somebody to get into a healthy dating relationship.

Speaker 2: 1:44

Yes, that's so true. I was talking to somebody not that long ago who he wasn't currently in a relationship, but he had a question about a specific person and I found myself giving him this advice, because I've heard you say it before. We've talked about this before about how there's actually a lot you can learn about somebody in friendship without having to date them. And there's questions good questions to ask about people to your you know, questions to ask yourself about other people that you can find answers for just inside a friendship that might actually really help you figure out. Yeah, this is somebody that I should date or no. I think sometimes people feel like a attraction to somebody and so they want to take him out on a date and they or they want to date them in order to get to know them better, and I know why. But there's a lot that you can find out about somebody just by being friends, right?

Speaker 1: 2:46

Yeah, I think two things, like some people stay in the friend zone for so long and they never move forward in date and that's just a bad plan, because there are only things that you find out when in a relationship with somebody.

Speaker 2: 3:01

In a committed relationship. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 3:03

And you can't be afraid to date somebody and afraid to risk and you know to get rejected, and so you can definitely stay friends for too long. And then I know people who I mean, if you're dating just to date because of the excitement of dating, that's a really expensive way emotionally and you know spending money to like to actually get to know somebody, and so, yeah, there's a ton of things that you can, that you can get to know about somebody just by hanging out with them and being in a relationship.

Speaker 2: 3:37

Yeah, yeah, I mean there's really important questions to ask yourself when you're considering whether or not to date somebody. I mean questions like what do they like and enjoy? You know, what kind of friendships do they have? How do they do in their friendships? That's usually telling, like where do they come from? What's their family like? You know, where do they feel like they're headed in life and what are their core values on certain topics that are really important to you. But so if you're going to learn those kinds of things in friendship with the opposite sex, then it's probably important to talk about how to be friends with the opposite sex, cause we've said before on this podcast, even you know, that's kind of like a potential danger zone People who consider their best friend to be somebody of the opposite sex or they're you know the classic case of they're getting all of their needs met by somebody who's in the friend zone and you're like, okay, that's not a friendship.

Speaker 2: 4:31

Like there's your friends with benefits, or you're enjoying an emotional connection that's not appropriate for a guy and a girl to have, unless they're in some sort of committed relationship where there's, you know, the commitment actually provides us a measure of safety and trust and understanding and anyway. So how do you be friends with the opposite sex in a healthy way?

Speaker 1: 4:53

Yeah, I mean, here's the thing like if you're, if you're single and you're hanging out with a girl, you have to be okay, knowing that if another guy moves in to date her, she needs to be able to like that guy needs to be able to look around in her life and be like, oh yeah she's available.

Speaker 1: 5:16

This is respectable right, like the way that she's handling herself, her life, her relationships. Like I want to date a girl like this and so when I was single after my divorce, I always thought like somebody needs to come into my life, a woman. Like I'm gonna bring a woman into my life and she's gonna look at all of my relationships and I don't want to have to move them all around. Yeah, like, if I have to rearrange my relationships, with your friendships.

Speaker 1: 5:46

Yeah my friendships with another girl, so that my girlfriend doesn't, isn't you know?

Speaker 2: 5:53

wondering.

Speaker 1: 5:54

Yeah, then I'm doing something wrong.

Speaker 2: 5:57

Can you say that again? That's such a good point.

Speaker 1: 5:59

Yeah, so if I have to rearrange my relationships with girls in my life so that a girl that I'm dating Doesn't question my integrity, doesn't question my relationships, Right isn't confused about the status of these other women or a woman in my life, then I need to to rearrange my relationships and it's easy to move Like for a guy it's easy to have a girl or a couple girlfriends that you single out and do one-on-one stuff with because you're lonely and you know it does. It fills that relationship void without the risk, like we can both kind of agree, like we're not gonna date and do that thing, but then we do everything together.

Speaker 1: 6:46

Yeah and that's a really safe way To get your needs met in an unhealthy way and when I say safe, I'm being kind of cheeky, like the better thing to do is just to have really Healthy relationships with guys and really healthy relationships with girls, which means that I'm not singling anyone woman out.

Speaker 1: 7:09

I'm doing things in groups. Um, I am, yeah, very clear about my Expectations and my intentions and I stick to that. So when I was in school ministry as a pastor, um, I saw a lot of guys like single girl out, where they would do one thing for a girl that they wouldn't do for any other girl in their life, like go over there and watch movies alone and make dinner for her and hang out. And then she would be talking to me like I think he likes me and I'm like, oh really, why? Well, he's been over here, you know, like three times this week watching movies with me, and then he made me dinner and we go and walks a lot. And I'm like, oh yeah, that guy like you need to quit guessing, you need to ask him, come to find out. Like he likes another girl, he's just feels safe with her.

Speaker 1: 7:58

You know he feels like and the truth is is like that's a way, that's a really bad way, to lead a girl on yeah invites versa or to lead a guy on right like if you're, if you're hungry for a relationship, you need to get that met in a healthy way. You need to get it met with your girlfriends or your guy friends, if you're a guy or girl, in a way that Is honorable, that is sustainable. Yeah and that you're not gonna have to change a bunch of your relationships.

Speaker 2: 8:27

You could disagree with this statement, but Do you think this is true? I feel like, as I'm even contemplating it now, most of the Examples I can think of of people like you just described, um, most of the people who find themselves in that type of situation where they're leading somebody on, maybe even unintentionally leading somebody on, but getting their needs met in a way that you're like, okay, that's actually not just friendship, that's, that's not fair, like that, that's not fair to the other person, I feel like oftentimes those people aren't great at having same-sex relationships, friendships, example. You know, the guy is actually pretty hungry for connection, want some companionship. It's much more natural for him to do that with a girl than to find out, you know, how to actually have deep, meaningful Relationships with other men in his life, like how to do friendship with men in a really healthy way and vice versa. Girls, you know, find themselves. You hear girls say all the time sometimes oh, I, I so much prefer being friends with guys. Yeah, we're like, oh, really tell me more about that.

Speaker 2: 9:42

So at what point in your life Did you get really hurt inside of friendships with other girls, or what are you believing to be true about friendships with women that keep you from having deep, meaningful relationships with the same sex? You know friendship and it keeps driving you into these Quote friendships with guys that then turn into heartbreak situations because You're all of a sudden getting a bunch of needs met from this guy who's just a friend, or you hear I'm thinking of so many examples. You hear people say, oh we, we don't ever, we don't think of each other like that.

Speaker 2: 10:17

Mm-hmm but then they're together all the time and well we're not physically attracted. Oh well, you know what? It's magic. You don't actually have to be physically attracted to somebody to get a whole bunch of emotional needs met by them. But I suppose my question is like how would you articulate what's wrong with getting your emotional needs met, like what's actually wrong with that? Like what's wrong with having opposite sex quote friendship that turns into you're getting your needs met. What happens?

Speaker 1: 10:46

Yeah, I mean, ultimately you're gonna get hurt right eventually because you're in a relationship where You're getting a bunch of your identity needs met Without the commitment and so you're gonna give yourself to somebody. You're gonna like continue to give yourself to somebody who actually is in it for themselves and not in it For you.

Speaker 1: 11:07

Yes and so you know, like it's like what's wrong with sex before marriage or what's wrong beyond, Just it's a sin. It's like, well, god didn't want you to give yourself Fully to someone, the most, the deepest places of your life to someone, without there being the guardrails of a full commitment.

Speaker 1: 11:25

Yeah and so when you keeps you safe when you start to to get your needs met from a bunch of different men or a bunch of different women, then ultimately, like you have this big insecurity or affirmation, need and but you don't have the security of one actually really being able to find that from God and find that from yourself in a holistic way.

Speaker 1: 11:53

And so you're just going to go through a relationship, you're going to go from relationship to relationship to relationship because eventually that guy who's hanging out with you, who's your best friend, he's going to find a girl who wants to commit to him and say it vice versa, that girl who's hanging out Like she's going to find a guy or whatever, and you're going to be lonely again, left with your needs not met and frustrated because you built this relationship with somebody that you can no longer have it at that level anymore, right?

Speaker 1: 12:21

So if I had a relationship with a girl that was really, really close and I was getting my needs met from her, and then I met you, like I've got to change that relationship with her and now it's really confusing, right, you're confused and she's confused and it just becomes this really interesting situation. So you know, relationships with the opposite sex should be again like we started out, a great way to find out do you want to go further in a relationship? And so I always, like when I was in the pre dating game, like when I was dating, but just hanging out with a girl or girls, whatever, looking, I'm the my first question that I have is like what? Are there other relationships like?

Speaker 2: 13:10

That's what I was going to say. That's probably my number. My first question is or was? Does he actually have deep, meaningful relationships with other guys? What are his friendships like?

Speaker 1: 13:25

And do they respect him? And how long have those relationships lasted? And is there a bunch of drama right, like does he have to explain to you why? You know why all of his relationships don't really work out and it's everyone else's fault, or vice versa? You know, and then from there like I want to know what their family's like. Now, not every single person comes from a great family.

Speaker 1: 13:48

because you can't control that, you know, and so there would be great people that come from really broken families 100% and those, those people should have, like a track record of healthy relationships and a track record of you know doing life well making yeah making good decisions. But like when I was dating you or before I dated you yeah, before ever dated you I asked you a bunch of questions about your family who they were what their beliefs were, how long your parents have been together?

Speaker 2: 14:20

So context so Jason and I were, we had mutual friends.

Speaker 2: 14:30

In fact, one of my closest guy friends was your intern the year that we started dating, so there was some friendship overlap and so the context of like where do these questions take place? Well, these questions took place when we were hanging out in groups of people. I remember that the winter Olympics was on the year that we started dating, so we would have like Olympics nights where somebody would host and we'd all bring something to eat and watch the games together, or whatever. So there might have been anywhere from 10 to 15 of us in somebody's living room. So a conversation about what my family was like was taking place as we were both filling up our you know 10 minutes here.

Speaker 1: 15:17

20 minutes here.

Speaker 2: 15:18

Yeah, just quick and casual conversations. That felt intentional and kind, but I mean we were talking over the announcer and over the bowl of chips and salsa. It wasn't like some you know we weren't sneaking out the back looking at the stars together while you were asking me deep, meaningful conversation.

Speaker 1: 15:38

You know deep, meaningful questions, yeah, and I mean, it's not that you can't ever be alone at a party with a girl or something like that, Like no. I remember at a party with you hanging out outside I can't remember whose house we were and we were talking about how school was going for you and your brother Austin and your brother Connor, like I remember you specifically telling me about your life and I was trying to get to know you. Like I wanted to know more about you and so I had found you at the party.

Speaker 1: 16:06

I'd come because James had said.

Speaker 1: 16:09

Hey, lawrence here, so I came to the party, hung out, talked with a bunch other people and then found you and we talked for a while and like finances were really tight for you in that season and really just like watched how you navigated through it and how you made decisions and what your relationships were like with the leaders in your life and like those things are important, right, like how does he or how does she respond to authority and to leadership? And do they have leadership in their life and are they being mentored by anybody? Like man, if you have somebody that has great relationships, even a bad past, but great relationships, they have great mentors in their life, they have a good track record, they're building a life that they're proud of. Like that's probably a person that is worth starting a relationship with. Yeah, you know, taking out on a date, yeah, because their life's headed in a great direction.

Speaker 1: 17:02

Yeah, I think one of the mistakes that people often make is that they're watching someone come into like our environment for, or whatever, or they're starting to like change their life. So maybe they went from not being saved to being saved and like when you first get saved, when you first experience transformation, it's really easy to be like on an upswing and it's kind of like a new years You're making a bunch of radical life changes to good decisions.

Speaker 1: 17:38

You're like, oh my gosh, this guy works out every day and he's going after it. Like he's changing the way that he eats and he's reading books, and like looking at somebody's life on New Year's.

Speaker 2: 17:54

In January.

Speaker 1: 17:55

And trying to map their trajectory. Like this is a great person to be with is as foolish as dating someone who's just making a big life transition. And we don't think about that a lot because we're hopeful. Right, we're, like, really hopeful and we don't think that. We think that we're the exception, but it's a mistake I've made in the past and it's a mistake that lots of people make.

Speaker 1: 18:16

Where you get with somebody who's in the middle of making a big life transition and to me that's somebody that you should just be friends with and no matter how amazing it seemed like they're going to be, like give them a year and a half, give them two years to like make that full life transition and watch the decisions that they make and watch where their lives headed and I mean honestly. I even asked about your family and what their habits were as far as working out and physical like, because it matters, right, Like I wanted to marry someone who had a value for working out and a value for being physically in shape and being healthy and not like either of us.

Speaker 1: 19:04

Are these crazy?

Speaker 2: 19:05

health nuts health fanatics.

Speaker 1: 19:07

But as I got older that stuff became important to me because you know we're going to change so much and the more we care about our physical fitness and health, the better life we're going to have.

Speaker 2: 19:20

Well, I remember too. I just think it's wise to just remember you don't have to get into a serious, committed relationship to find these things out about people.

Speaker 1: 19:31

Yeah, that's the whole point.

Speaker 2: 19:32

So the whole point is, if you can get good at being friends with people, then you can find yourself asking a lot of great and helpful questions before you actually get into a committed relationship, so that by the time you do get into a committed relationship, you're asking the kinds of questions you can only ask when you're actually, you know, dating someone. And I remember I think too worth saying is that there would be certain things that matter to each person that are unique and different you know person to person, so that I had a really good and tight family, that they were healthy and had a value for being active.

Speaker 2: 20:10

That was really important to you. That doesn't mean that should or has to be important to everyone, but it was important to you and you had just decided I'm not going to marry somebody who doesn't have a healthy family unit, that doesn't come from a connected and healthy family. You actually made a decision like I want great in-laws.

Speaker 2: 20:31

I want to like my in-laws. You don't have to marry somebody that has a tough relationship with their family. You could, but you don't have to, and those are things you can find out just by being friends with someone, which is kind of awesome.

Speaker 1: 20:44

Yeah, it's true I mean I had, yeah, after my divorce I'd been like I just I want in-laws that are awesome and I was just going to hold out until I found somebody that had a great relationship with their parents and all that. So that was important to me. But yeah, it's not something that, like everyone has to do, but I do. I think that maybe the question to ask is like, okay, if you're friends with someone, how do you know that you should transition into dating? Yes.

Speaker 1: 21:17

And to me, when you start down this road and you go okay, well, I've asked some great questions, I've hung out with them for a while. They're on a great trajectory in life. They have good friendships, they've got some mentors in their life, they have a life that seems like they're happy with for the most part, and I'm in a good spot, like that's the time where you're like okay, you have some admiration for this girl or for this guy.

Speaker 1: 21:47

Like you've done your homework. Like then go out on a date and it's like, would I ever go out on a date? Would I never go out on a date? Like I asked the girl out the first time I met her and hung out for a little while. But it's like your odds go up when your odds of a relationship really working out and go way up If you spend a little bit of time to get to know somebody. Before yeah.

Speaker 2: 22:14

Yeah, before dating yeah.

Speaker 1: 22:16

And so I just I like it. Like if you, if you admire somebody and you admire their life, and you're wondering like, could we be something? That's the time to take the next step.

Speaker 2: 22:26

Okay, I have a question for you. What is your opinion on dating somebody that you're not sure if you're physically attracted to?

Speaker 1: 22:38

Yeah, to me, dating that's what dating's for. So physical attraction often builds, especially for women, builds as the emotional connection deepens and so that can be like a great time to hang out with somebody and just go slow in the dating process, so all that stuff. Like there could be a really incredibly beautiful woman and as you date her you're like I just don't like her personality and she becomes less and less attractive or vice versa Great looking guy, you date him and you're like God, this guy only talks about himself, he's not that good looking anymore.

Speaker 1: 23:22

And so people grow and we gain attraction and lose attraction based upon a bunch of factors. And so I do. I think, like if you admire them and you're in a spot where you're like, wow, I really respect this person at least what I know of them but I have one or two things or four things that I'm not sure about. Well, the dating process isn't to get married, it's to get to know somebody on a deeper, more intentional level, and so you can't date to get married. You shouldn't date someone if you're not looking to get married at some point. But you're dating to get to know somebody and to find out what they're like and how they treat you. And if you grow in attraction and if you want to commit your whole life to somebody like they're going to have to have a lot of things that make you go all in forever.

Speaker 1: 24:11

That's a big commitment.

Speaker 2: 24:12

Yeah, what do you think is the difference between going on dates and dating? As far as, like, you can go on dates with somebody to get to know them, you admire them, you have, you know, checked off some boxes inside a friendship. You're like, oh, this is a really interesting person, I like them, I'd like to get to know them more. Let's go out on a date and then you do that a few times and then the girl's wondering now what, what are we doing? Are we? Are we, you know?

Speaker 2: 24:39

just the age old question are we dating or are we just going?

Speaker 1: 24:42

on dates. What's your thoughts?

Speaker 2: 24:44

Well, I think that it's almost a question that doesn't need answering if you're communicating really intentionally the whole time. So I think the trick is just being really clear with your intentions from the start. So probably, I mean, I think that the best protocol is to go on a date with somebody and be clear hey, I have really enjoyed getting to know you. I'd like to get to know you better. Would you want to have lunch? Would you want to go, you know, go for a walk. I'd love to spend a little bit more time with you and and and honestly single you out. I don't single more, I don't single girls out. You know I'm thinking about if the guy is making the initiation. One of the things that you said to me which I found helpful was I don't do this. In some words, you said I don't do this with more than one girl at a time. Just so you know, I'd like to single you out and get to know you one on one, which I don't do. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 25:50

You know, I'm not saying it super clearly but you know what I'm saying. So I think that's a great one liner, like that's a great that provides the woman, at least, with a lot of context for like, okay, what are we doing? Oh, he's taking me out for lunch, or he's taking me for a walk, and he doesn't do this with anybody, he only does this with one person at a time.

Speaker 2: 26:08

I'm being singled out right now. He's being intentional. That's good for me to know. And then I think, if you're going on dates and it's going well and you want to do more of that than you say, that you say, hey, this has been super fun, I'm really enjoying this. I'd like to continue doing this. I'd like to keep going on dates. You know how, about coffee tomorrow, kind of a thing? And then I think, as soon as it gets to the point where you're like no, then I don't think dragging it on is a good idea.

Speaker 1: 26:38

No, no, definitely not. I mean for either person that providing a bunch of clarity in saying like, hey, I'd love to be in a spot where I could take you on some dates to get to know you and if you both are good with that, then that's what you're agreeing to. When either person goes, I don't want to keep going on dates because I need more clarity, right? Like, eventually, if you go on, let's say that you do a month of just dating, every once in a while, you know he calls you or she calls you and initiates, and you're going to get to a place where you need more information because it's no longer fun just to do that because you're one of you is going, your emotions are going to grow or they're going to shrink, and that's where you need more clarity, right?

Speaker 1: 27:22

So it's like I'm starting to get to like you more. I'm really enjoying this, and if he just moves on, or if you just move on, that's going to be more painful. I need more clarity, and so that's where it's like hey, I'd like in this process, I'm only doing this with you, Like I want you.

Speaker 1: 27:41

I'd love to be more frequent and more intentional with you and hang out, and that's where you could have said like I'm not in that spot yet, like I'm enjoying just to get to know you, but I don't, you know, I'm not sure.

Speaker 2: 27:55

Yeah, so one of the things that I know is prevalent for people these days is, especially in the world of online dating, people have the opportunity to quote get to know more than one person at a time. So you know, maybe you're interested in somebody, you meet up with them for coffee and you just so happen to have another coffee date with somebody else the next day. So what's the difference between doing that? What makes that okay? Versus when? Does it move into the category of like, uh, you should probably only be doing this with one person?

Speaker 1: 28:29

Well, I think if you're doing that, it needs. You need to be really clear with you, yeah. Exactly Like hey, I'm going to place in my life where I'm, I'm just getting to know people people.

Speaker 2: 28:41

Yeah and um that'd be a great example of like. Maybe you don't have friends in common, so getting to know somebody in a group of friends.

Speaker 1: 28:49

This is your only opportunity right Like this is the like. Dating online is different because this is really your opportunity.

Speaker 1: 28:55

You have to do something small to hang out with them, to really get to know them a little bit more, and so you're going to do that consistently with a couple of different people, and so, but to me, like the even that can only last so long before. Like if you and I met online and went on four or five, six dates, eventually, like I'm going to go hey, I'm just curious if you're enjoying this as much as I'm enjoying it. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 29:24

You know, because I don't, I don't want to, I don't want you to keep dating other people. If, if you're really enjoying this and I'm really enjoying this like let's just be more intentional and yeah, and see if you know we can go further and if you enjoy that.

Speaker 1: 29:40

So, yeah, that's mostly what I think. I mean, it's always better if you can, yeah, if you can focus your effort and energy on one person that you actually think you have a really good chance with, because it just gets the. The water gets so muddy quick, right, like if you're dating someone, if a girl is dating three different guys, those guys are only going to be there for so long before they go. Like I don't, I don't want to compete with a bunch of other dudes, yeah.

Speaker 2: 30:11

No thanks, no-transcript, it's good. Yeah so let's talk for a second about what to do if you find yourself in the friend zone.

Speaker 1: 30:23

Yeah, I mean, it happens with somebody that you do really like.

Speaker 1: 30:26

Yeah. So I think when you, when you're in the friend zone as I mean, obviously that's the starting place like that's a good place to be, like you're really good friends with a guy or really good friends with a girl that you notice, you start to have feelings for or you respect and you're interested in going further, like to me that's the place for initiated conversation, like for the DTR, for being able to go like hey, I really enjoy our relationship. I'm not sure if you're interested in in getting to know me more or being more intentional, but I'd love to take you out. And if you're like actually I'm not super interested in you, like that, that's great to squash it right there and just be like I'd rather just be friends, because once you go out, you know six, seven, eight times and have a relationship, it does change the dynamic.

Speaker 2: 31:19

Yeah, it's hard to go back to being just friends. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 31:22

And so I think, if you're in the friend zone and you and you like somebody and want to go further, being intentional Now, like if a guy you always hear these stories about, like a guy pursuing a girl and at first she's like I don't think so, and then he pursues more and more and more Like to me, there's always room for that. If you're intentional and let's say that, let's say that we were friends for a year and I said, hey, I'd love to take you out and you're like, you know, I'm getting to know this other guy and I'm not super interested, and then we're friends for another six months and nothing happens with that guy. It goes a long time and you're initiating. You know like we're, we're both connecting.

Speaker 1: 32:11

There's no harm in me circling back six months later and going like hey, no pressure, I know you haven't been in a relationship with him for a while and I really just enjoy you. I don't know if you're interested, but I would love to take you out. I think that that's a good way to circle back eventually and see if there's something more. But yeah, if you're in the friend zone, be intentional. Do you have any thoughts?

Speaker 2: 32:39

I think that I'll speak from a woman's perspective. I know that women are often scared to initiate that conversation because for fear of rejection, and then also because they don't want to change the nature of the friendship, especially if they're getting some needs met from that friendship. So it does feel scary, it feels threatening to go gosh I don't want to ruin a good thing, you know, and women generally want to feel like they're the ones being perceived. So they're, you know. They want to wait a little bit and see. Maybe if I flirt just a tiny bit more, he will actually bring this up or, you know, ask me out on a date or whatever.

Speaker 2: 33:24

And I think that just even that alone can cause women to have a lot of disappointment and heartbreak when it doesn't go the way that they want it to, or when their guy, who is a friend, doesn't seem to be picking up on the cues or isn't initiating any sort of deeper, you know, interaction or whatever. And I think we just have to guard our hearts. I think those are the spaces where we just have to guard our hearts in friendships with opposite sex. That that is the danger is, is you find yourself potentially vulnerable to having feelings for somebody that aren't reciprocated, and I think you just have to be diligent to keep your boundaries clear and keep communication clear so that you are available for the person that comes along that is interested.

Speaker 1: 34:14

Something that we have to remember is that eventually all all the relationships are going to change and morph because as soon as you get into like a really committed relationship with somebody, like there goes all of their time right, a lot, a big chunk of their time. So it's like if you enjoy somebody and you don't, you're really not losing out on on somebody like right. The nature of most relationships are going to change from now to the next five years because people are getting married and all that stuff, and so you know, I think if you like somebody and you're in the friend zone, you know and you've spent, you've done a good job in the relationship, taking that step and and seeing if they're interested in and more is. That's a good step. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 35:03

So it's good. All right, y'all. Hopefully you enjoyed this week's conversation and, yeah, if you've been hanging out with somebody and you got Valentine's coming up maybe it's a good opportunity to make that little step of intentionality.

Speaker 2: 35:19

It could be.

Speaker 1: 35:19

Yeah, bring one of those Valentine's candy hearts. Would you be mine and start your lifelong relationship?

Speaker 2: 35:26

Oh, my goodness Well actually can I just say our very first date ever was two days after Valentine's Day in 2010.

Speaker 1: 35:39

Wow, that was a long time ago. Yeah, and look where it led us.

Speaker 2: 35:43

I know, here we are.

Speaker 1: 35:44

Easy path.

Speaker 2: 35:46

Only joy along the way.

Speaker 1: 35:47

Hopefully you guys enjoyed this conversation. If you did, would you share it with a friend? Like and subscribe to our podcast. Also, leave us a little comment. We love those. We read them. They're super fun. Otherwise, have an incredible week. We will see you next week on dates.