Dates, Mates and Babies with the Vallottons

59. Should I Stay or Should I Go: 10 Reasons to End a Dating Relationship

• Jason and Lauren Vallotton

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Episode Summary:
In this episode, the Vallottons dive into the delicate decision of whether to end a dating relationship. With a focus on self-respect and personal well-being, they explore ten crucial reasons why staying might not be the best option.

Show Notes:

  1. Abuse: Any form of abuse, be it physical, emotional, or verbal, should never be tolerated in a relationship. Recognizing and addressing abuse is paramount for your safety and mental health.
  2. Constant Unresolved Conflict: Relationships are bound to have disagreements, but when conflicts remain unresolved and turn into a pattern, it may signify deeper issues that could be detrimental to the relationship's longevity.
  3. No Ownership: Both partners need to take responsibility for their actions and contributions to the relationship. If one or both parties consistently deflect blame or refuse to acknowledge their role in conflicts, it can lead to a toxic dynamic.
  4. Lack of Self-Control: When one or both partners struggle with controlling their impulses, emotions, or actions, it can create instability and insecurity within the relationship.
  5. Continual Lying: Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Continuous deception erodes this trust and can cause irreparable damage to the relationship's integrity.
  6. Lack of Enjoyment: Relationships should bring joy and fulfillment. If you find yourself consistently unhappy or unfulfilled, it's essential to assess whether the relationship is meeting your emotional needs.
  7. Core Values Don't Align: Misalignment in core values, such as beliefs, goals, or life priorities, can lead to ongoing conflicts and dissatisfaction within the relationship.
  8. Unwillingness to Seek Feedback or Advice: Healthy relationships require open communication and a willingness to seek guidance when needed. If one or both partners refuse to seek outside perspectives or help, it can hinder the relationship's growth and resolution of issues.
  9. No Mutual Effort: Successful relationships thrive on mutual effort and investment from both partners. If one person consistently carries the burden of maintaining the relationship or making compromises, it can lead to resentment and imbalance.
  10. Lack of Respect: Respect forms the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. If you find yourself lacking respect for your partner or feeling disrespected in return, it may be a sign that the relationship is no longer sustainable.

Closing Thoughts:
Ending a relationship is never easy, but prioritizing health and keeping a standard is paramount. By recognizing these ten red flags, you can make a more informed decision about whether to stay or go in your dating relationship. We can't be more afraid of being alone than we are willing to kee

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Signs of a Troubled Relationship

Speaker 2

We're the Valentines and we are passionate about people.

Speaker 1

Every human was created for fulfilling relational connection.

Speaker 2

But that's not always what comes easiest.

Speaker 1

We know this because of our wide range of personal experience, as well as our years of working with people.

Speaker 2

So we're going to crack open topics like dating, marriage, family and parenting to encourage, entertain and equip you for a deeply fulfilling life of relational health.

Speaker 1

Welcome back to dates, mates and babies with the Valentines. We are here on a very rainy, incredibly rainy Monday. Recording.

Speaker 2

We are. There is no end in sight to the rain and, for those of you that are familiar with our Northern California summertime issues, including drought and wildfire, we are trying to remain thankful for this rain, but I don't know that we've ever been more ready for spring.

Speaker 1

No, there's been lots of years where we would have paid for all this rain.

Speaker 2

Yeah, that's for sure. But here we are, we're doing it, and we have a fun topic to talk about. Well, it's fun unless you're in the middle of it. That's true, it's an important topic.

Speaker 1

Yeah, we're going to talk about the signs that are telling you that you need to get out of the relationship.

Speaker 2

Dating relationship.

Speaker 1

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2

That's a really important clarifier. These are signs that you need to get out of a dating relationship.

Speaker 1

Yeah, and signs that you need to address your marriage.

Speaker 2

Absolutely. So, should we dive in?

Speaker 1

Yeah, let's do it babe. Kick us off.

Speaker 2

We're going to kick us off with a really light-hearted number one abuse.

Speaker 1

We thought it was the most. I mean it's the most glaring one, right.

Speaker 2

I'm only laughing because it's not light-hearted. Yes, it's the most glaring one. Signs that you need to get out of a dating relationship. Ladies, gentlemen, if there's physical or emotional abuse happening in your relationship, you need to get out of that dating relationship. That's not something that you just like. Let's work on this.

Speaker 1

No.

Speaker 2

No, no, no. If there's abuse happening in your dating relationship, you need to get out of the relationship and then work on it.

Speaker 1

Yeah, regardless of how apologetic the person was.

Speaker 2

Yeah, it's just, it's not okay. And when there's physical, verbal, emotional abuse happening in a dating relationship, it's because there are deep, deep, unhealthy underlying issues going on in the life of the abuser and probably the abused that requires such attention that you don't keep dating while you work through those issues.

Speaker 1

No, right, babe. No, you don't. No, it's done. No, no, it's done. No 2, constant unresolved conflict. Now, we always say that conflict is not what crashes a marriage, and conflict can be a really helpful thing. Right, because there is conflict in a relationship and the couples have to get really good at learning how to resolve conflict. And there's conflict because two people have different ideas and we have to blend those ideas together. And conflict because of all kinds of things. But unresolved conflict, constant unresolved conflict it's just one ongoing mess to the next is a real sign that either you guys don't have the ability to resolve that conflict, you don't. You need a greater skill set than what you currently possess.

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 1

And if it's constant and ongoing, you'd be much better to you know back out of this relationship and work on yourself or your skills, your skillset, or you're possibly in a relationship that one of you is really unhappy.

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 1

And so you know it's a sign that there's deeper, underlying issues that need to be looked at.

Speaker 2

Yeah, yeah, we always say that you know once you get married, there are so many things that come up on the other side of that wedding day that are going to take your time and your attention and your and your work like.

Speaker 2

A healthy, happy marriage is a marriage where you're being really intentional and you're working on things and and so before you're married, the goal is to work out all the things you could possibly work out before marriage, because once you're in the marriage there's going to be a whole new set of things and that's not bad. It's just that you know, if you're in a dating relationship where there's already tons of unresolved conflict and you guys don't actually come to the end and it creates more connection and you know if you're just going round and round, that's like a great sign. You pause, you get out of that relationship, you work, you brush up on your conflict resolution skills, you figure out what it was that was causing all of that conflict. That's not something that you should just keep pressing through over and over and over again in a dating relationship.

Speaker 1

No, that's true. Number three, if you have, if you're in a relationship where your partner is unwilling to take ownership and again, this typically happens repetitively so you're with someone that doesn't apologize yeah, it doesn't take ownership.

Speaker 2

For their own actions.

Speaker 1

Yeah, for their own actions.

Speaker 2

And I would say, if you realize that you're having a hard time taking ownership of your stuff, like you know, I don't know, I think girls do this sometimes where, like I'll say, girls, maybe it's just me Powerless people.

Speaker 2

Yeah, there's well. I just think that sometimes you get into. You know whether it's in your marriage or in a dating relationship. I think you know when you're being that person that's looking for it to be the other person's fault. If you recognize that you're doing that a lot in your dating relationship and you're having a hard time, like you feel it's, it's hard for you to be humble, it's hard for you to admit your own faults If you're finding it challenging to hear any sort of feedback from your partner and actually take stock of that and figure out what part of it is yours to own.

Speaker 2

Like if yeah, of course, if you have, if you're in a relationship where the other person is doing that red flag, but if you're actually the person that's having a hard time taking ownership, you really need to not be in a dating relationship. That's a you thing. You got to pause, get out of that relationship, work on you for a bit because, ultimately, to be in a longterm, healthy, covenant relationship with anyone, if it's going to be a good time, it's because both partners are really good at taking ownership of their stuff.

Speaker 1

Yeah, so much ownership to make a really awesome marriage.

Speaker 2

For sure. Okay, number four an inability to have self-control.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 2

It could be in spending sexual habits. Whatever it is, If you're finding yourself struggling with self-control in a dating relationship, ultimately this just leads to broken trust, and so and a healthy relationship is built on trust, and so you got to be able to trust yourself and your partner. So if either of you are really lacking self-control, it's probably a good pause.

Speaker 1

Yeah, I see this a lot in relationships. It's part of the man, it's people really shoot themselves in the foot, like if you're sleeping together before you get married, that's like gosh, your inability to to actually control yourself. What it says to your partner is that if I really want something super bad, I'm going to find a way to get it and find a way to do it. And you end up in a marriage that you, where you don't trust the other person, and then you're just constantly uh, there's anxiety in the relationship right.

Speaker 1

So that's the underlying theme is like if you don't trust your partner they're spending habits, they're sexual habits, they're that their word is their bond then you just spend your entire marriage like feelings, insecure, tons of anxiety, you know, just mistrust.

Speaker 2

And it's.

Speaker 1

It's so hard to build a really healthy emotional relationship when that's going on.

Speaker 1

So, you know if you have a pornography problem, if you have a sexual addiction, if you have a addiction to alcohol, to tobacco, you know those are things that put tons and tons of stress on a marriage and not something that you need to drag somebody through while you're trying to get. Well, that would be something in a dating relationship that would be like man hey, why don't you go take care of this issue? And you know if I'm still around at some point.

Signs of Relationship Red Flags

Speaker 2

Really, self-control in any area, right Like if you have an anger problem if you find yourself, like we mentioned at the beginning, ending habits, like if you don't have self-control. Ultimately, it makes me think of just kind of this phrase that we use, which is, yeah, really any area of your life where you violate your own core values. That's, that would be an area where you lack self-control, any area where you go outside of you know you violate your own convictions about something. So Jason mentioned sleeping together before marriage. So if it's your conviction that sleeping together before marriage isn't a healthy choice, and it should be and it should be.

Speaker 2

Then, when you do that, that's a great indicator that you really don't trust yourself. You don't trust yourself to keep your own standards to keep your own core values and that dating relationship, ultimately you're not building on a foundation of trust. So a marriage with that person, no go.

Speaker 1

Yeah, Number five if you continually catch the person in lies your spouse, sorry, not your spouse, your partner.

Speaker 2

Mm-hmm, you're dating.

Speaker 1

Yeah, or if you have a problem, tell your truth.

Speaker 1

Yeah, telling the truth, being honest, the truth is hard. Let's be honest, the truth is hard. It's hard to be honest about where you're at and what you're feeling and, more importantly, like your behaviors and actions. And if you have a hard time with the truth, then again it's a deeper issue. You know, afraid of what people will think, afraid to disappoint somebody, and that will ultimately lead to a bunch of mistrust in marriage. It's a sign that you need to really focus on yourself, or that they really need to focus on themselves and be able to tell the truth at any cost. Oof, that's tough.

Speaker 2

Yeah, and you know, I feel like there's a sliding scale of like truthfulness where any untruthfulness is unacceptable. It's not like you can kind of fib a little bit here and there and as long as it's not about something important, then it doesn't really matter. As long as it doesn't affect the other person, then it doesn't really matter. Like no, because really when people have a hard time telling the truth about little, tiny things that are unimportant, they definitely have a hard time telling the truth about the big, important things. And it's weird, right. I've been in relationships with people before where I'm like I know that wasn't true what you just said, and it is seemingly meaningless. Stuff like what you had for lunch or like who you hung out with yesterday, that's a huge red flag.

Speaker 1

It is.

Speaker 2

And it is really interesting, actually, like on a psychological level, when people don't tell the truth and I don't know. I'm thinking about our toddler right now. She makes up stories all the time. You ask her, like what was your favorite part of the day? And it didn't even happen, Like it's just something that didn't even happen. Or you ask her what did you do at the park when you were at the park with daddy and Liam? And she's got some crazy story about how well some boy came and he asked me this question, and they're like I know that didn't happen.

Speaker 1

Okay, so there's a developmental thing right.

Speaker 2

And our OT, our occupational therapist, is like, don't make too much meaning of Edie's stories, right. This is literally. It's her imagination. She's trying to discover her place in the world. She's imagining the world around her, she's making meaning of things that she doesn't yet understand and part of that is kind of exploring the storyline right Now. If Edie is six, seven, eight, nine, 10 years old, not telling me what really happened at the park, we have a problem. And what happens when people are adults and have a hard time sticking to the script, like the facts, sticking to reality, you have to start questioning like what lens are they looking at the world through that? They have to actually fill in the gaps with untruth and that's a huge red flag.

Speaker 2

That's the problem. There's actually something that happened in an on a developmental level at some point that is causing them to have to fill in those gaps. And if you're in a dating relationship with somebody that can't tell the truth, it's not, again, that's not something that you're like, let's go to couples counseling for that Like no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're not married.

Speaker 1

Put on the brakes.

Speaker 2

This is not a relationship that you should give a ton of time to Now. If that person wants to bounce out, go work on themselves and come back later. That's one thing. But you don't like go to couples counseling for lying when you're just saying Continual lying.

Speaker 1

No, no, everybody at some point doesn't tell the truth.

Speaker 2

Of course.

Speaker 1

Yep, and you got to take ownership of that.

Speaker 2

Of course, yeah, and when you're married, of course, like that's something that you, that's a hard moment where you're. You know whether it was about.

Speaker 1

Do you remember a time when you lied?

Speaker 2

Offhand. Yeah, looks like you remember a time that I lied.

Speaker 1

No, I don't.

Speaker 2

Oh, you're smiling like you do.

Speaker 1

No, I'm just smiling.

Speaker 2

I actually can't think of a time offhand, but I'm sure I mean I know I have.

Speaker 1

Yeah, I remember telling you like a half truth, you know which?

Speaker 2

is a lie.

Speaker 1

And then calling you back and being like hey that's not how that really went. Yeah, I didn't tell you the full truth, Totally yeah. I was scared.

Speaker 2

I was like I'm spending money here where I went, which is ironic because I was like I'm on my way home.

Speaker 1

I'm on my way home. Really, I was like at the fly shop, you know, something like that?

Speaker 2

Oh my gosh, yeah, for sure. Yeah, I mean, you know, telling the truth like you said, it's hard.

Speaker 1

It's hard sometimes. Yeah, number six if you don't enjoy the person oh my gosh, you need to get out. It should be obvious. But the thing is is how many times do I talk with someone and you, the more you talk with them. You're like why are you in that relationship? You don't actually enjoy them. It should be obvious, but it's not. How many relationships do we see where people don't enjoy each other?

Speaker 2

I know.

Speaker 1

It's so many.

Speaker 2

Why do you think people stay in relationships that they don't enjoy Totally?

Speaker 1

Yeah, they feel meets their security needs. It meets their, uh like, companionship needs. The fear of what where would I be without this person? Will ever find someone better. Listen if you don't love being with the person you're better off being single 100% yeah.

Speaker 2

Dating is not the part of your relationship where things should be really hard.

Speaker 1

No.

Speaker 2

Like if you, if dating is hard, if dating somebody is hard, you should probably not be dating.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 2

And that again, I mean that seems obvious, but the thing is, is that like that should be the? This should be the easiest time of your entire relationship the most fun, the most enjoyable, the most sparks flying.

Speaker 1

It's fun with a few hard spots.

Speaker 2

Yeah, it's not that you don't come up on things that are challenging or things that have to make you think or check yourself. But yeah, I mean, if you're not enjoying the relationship, it's not something that you persevere through.

Speaker 1

No.

Speaker 2

That's not something that you work through.

Speaker 1

No, not at all.

Speaker 2

Okay, so number seven, when your core values don't align. So I mean think of anything from your faith to politics, even how you raise your kids, how you spend your money. All of that matters a lot. And ultimately the kind of pillars of your life, the high values that you have. If you don't agree in those high values, you're going to find yourselves in unnecessary disconnection and conflict over and over and over and over again.

Speaker 1

Super painful in marriage, yeah it's true and that stuff matters so much. I've seen it break down in marriage quite a few times. Actually, I've seen where couples get married and then they got married. You know, both going to church, both believing God, both loving God, and then one decides I don't actually think God's real and it's just very painful, it's very taxing on a marriage and so if you're at that spot, you know before you get married that wouldn't be something that you'd push through.

Speaker 2

Yeah, no, absolutely.

Speaker 1

Number eight unwilling to get feedback or advice. I recently had a couple that I was helping him and he was coming up against some issues in the relationship and she didn't want to go get help. She didn't want to go see a counselor.

Speaker 2

Herself.

Speaker 1

Yeah, with them together. She was like I want us to work this out. I don't want to go see anybody else. And the truth is like if you're with somebody that's unwilling to go get advice, input, help, man, you're going to have so many things that are bigger than you two, so many. But a lot of people are afraid. They're afraid of counseling, they're afraid of being controlled, they're afraid to go get more help. It's just not going to work. You're going to feel trapped, is what's going to happen? You're going to be in a relationship where you guys really need help and you're going to be willing to go, but they're not going to be willing to go and you're going to have to. You know, it's just so much work, so you want to be with someone who's going hey, we got a problem, we got this thing that needs to be fixed. You know, let's look at some avenues, some ways to work on this.

Speaker 2

Yeah, we've said you know before another podcast like one of the most freeing things, like one of the one of the healthiest things I think you could enjoy in marriage is not being the only person that knows all your spouse's stuff.

Speaker 1

Yeah.

Speaker 2

Like it's actually a safety mechanism in our life that the weaknesses that I have, the struggles that I have as a woman, you know, our counselor knows those things. My best friend knows those things. You're not the only person that is holding me accountable to a standard and similar for you. Like I don't. I don't go to bed at night feeling like the only person that knows what's happening in my husband's life.

Speaker 2

That's a real guardrail for us and you know the last thing that you want is to be in a dating relationship where your partner doesn't already have that muscle that they're working out like getting feedback, asking for input, going to get help. It's just going to make marriage really hard.

Speaker 1

Yeah, it's true.

Speaker 2

Okay, so number nine If there's not mutual effort, you know if you're not having a reciprocal, you know, back and forth of effort and intentionality towards the relationship it builds a lot of resentment, so when I'm when I'm giving but you're not reciprocating.

Speaker 1

it puts so much pressure on one person to keep the relationship really working and marriage is so much about sacrifice.

Speaker 2

Yeah.

Speaker 1

And so much about. Can I lay lay down my life for you and can you lay down your life for me? And if we can both mutually do that, our relationship's amazing. But when one person only knows how to take but doesn't know how to give again it's, it's rooted in self preservation. Self protection and marriage is so much about self sacrifice and it's the fruit of the Holy Spirit. Right Is is that selflessness, is that giving sacrifice, that perseverance? And so if you're in a relationship where you just continually feel like man, I'm doing everything, especially if you're expressing your needs and they're not stepping it up you're probably better off alone.

Speaker 2

Yeah, for sure. I think back to our own dating relationship and how, at the beginning of our dating relationship, you were really interested in me and I was really unsure about whether I was interested in you and or I was interested but I just didn't know how much commitment I wanted to give it.

Speaker 2

I wasn't sure I was slower, let's say, to want to commit in relationship with you and I remember dating for a little while I don't know if it was like a month or five weeks, something like that where there's probably a month and a half. Yeah, a month and a half or so, we were seeing each other every day and we were hanging out a lot and you were doing all the planning and all of the initiating and I was enjoying it and it was a good time.

Speaker 1

Yeah, this is awesome. I was like this is amazing.

Intentionality, Respect, and Healthy Relationships

Speaker 2

I've never been treated with such honor and intentionality. It was so fun. The truth is, I wasn't being more initiating. I wasn't doing more initiating because I was unsure and because you actually have some self-worth intact and some value for yourself and your time and your energy and your heart. I remember it was five or six weeks in and you actually, on a date, you said to me hey, I'm realizing that I'm starting to feel unsure about where you're at in this relationship and if we're going to move forward, I think I need to feel a little bit of your intentionality towards me. And I'm not feeling that. And it was really cool because it brought out into the open what was actually happening under the surface that I wasn't super consciously aware of. It was just kind of I was so enjoying being planned for and pursued and thought of and it was a great wake up to oh yeah, oh, my goodness, if I'm in this, if I'm invested, then he needs to fill my investment.

Speaker 2

And I think that what happens in a dating relationship if you're the person putting all of the energy and intentionality into the dating relationship, I mean, over time, yeah, it would breed some resentment, but in the short term it actually just breeds insecurity. Like you're just, you just find out, you're wondering, you don't know where the other person is at and gosh, I've been in dating relationships I remember back to like college relationships where I was like I am so unsure about where we are at and I was afraid to lose the relationship. But there was such little effort coming my direction that it left me wondering so much and then I kind of started to work overtime at trying to preserve it because I wasn't really sure what was happening or why. And ultimately, you know, if you're not feeling the intentionality we talk a lot about in marriage like we just finished our marriage intensive and one of the things that we talk a lot about is actually turning toward one another Okay, perfecting the art of pouring love and affection and intentionality into your relationship, and as married couples you have to get good at doing that because your connection depends on it.

Speaker 2

And how good your connection is, I mean, that's how good your marriage is. But in a dating relationship that's what you're looking for when you're choosing a spouse. You're looking for somebody that you feel that from that you trust their ability to. You don't wanna be in a dating relationship questioning how into it they are.

Speaker 1

Yeah, not at all, not for long. No, at first it's whatever. That's the nature of the beast. But as it goes on you gotta have that mutual partnership pouring effort in both ways. The last one.

Speaker 2

I mean, and there's more right, but the last one for this conversation.

Speaker 1

Yeah for this conversation is if you don't respect them. So this could be for a lot of reasons, right, like to me, like if they don't take care of their responsibilities, if they don't work hard maybe, yeah, they don't have a lot of relationships that are super healthy. There's lots of different reasons why you lose respect for somebody, but if you're in a relationship where you don't respect that person, it's time to leave, regardless of how nice they are, regardless of what they're doing for you.

Speaker 1

So much of marriage is built on respect. You're gonna be with this person for the rest of your life. You really, really need to respect them. Like wow, when I think about you, I think about how incredible of a woman you are and how much I respect you and the decisions that you make and the way that you treat our kids and the relationships that you have, and I just respect you so much. And that has to go both ways, and so if you're with somebody that you don't respect, yeah, it's time to get out.

Speaker 2

That's right.

Speaker 1

Relationships are the most incredible thing in the entire world and we all wanna have amazing relationships, and part of having an amazing relationship is knowing when to leave so that you can find that relationship that you're really supposed to be in. That's really gonna work for you. Like I said earlier, if you're married and you have some of these things, there's lots of marriages where or times in your marriage where you realize like, wow, I'm having a really hard time because of I'm having a hard time respecting you, or I'm having a hard time with the lying or the way that we're talking to each other. And yeah, I mean that's why there's marriage counseling, that's why there's intensives is to fix this stuff. But if you have an opportunity to fix this stuff before you get married, that's what you wanna do. Or an opportunity to be with someone who's already taken care of these things in their life, that's the best option.

Speaker 1

The best option is to get with someone who is at a spot where they're ready to be married, where they're ready to be dating that you really like, where your core values line up, where you resolve conflict. You have a value for one another. So that's always the best option. But if not, you're gonna have to make that tough decision, and that's a tough thing. We've all had relationships, whether it's somebody that you're dating or whether it's just somebody that you're a friend with, where you've had to go. Man, this just isn't working for me anymore. This is something that I need the back away from, and I've done it before. I had a really close friend a while ago.

Speaker 1

That man, we just drifted so far apart, and when I say that, their value system on God, their value system on politics, their inability to manage themselves emotionally, just started Relationally, yeah relationally just got to the point where it's like, wow, this isn't working anymore and it's tough, you're gonna have to go through that morning process, that disappointment, but ultimately it allows you to open up that space in your life to be in a really healthy relationship.

Speaker 2

Right, so Yep, absolutely.

Speaker 1

Boom.

Speaker 2

I agree.

Speaker 1

All right, y'all. Well, hopefully you enjoyed this week's episode. If you are loving what we're doing, guys, please like it, subscribe it, leave a comment. We read the comments. I was just reading them the other day. We have a couple hundred reviews, which are awesome, and those reviews really help us. They help us in the ratings, they help other people to trust us. But, yeah, please go, just take two minutes out of your day and review that. Otherwise, have an incredible week. We will see you next week On dates, mates and babies with the Valentines. See y'all. I'll see you, guys next week.