67. Sex Series, Week 6: Women's Health & Sex with Rebekah LaRobardiere

In the final episode of the Sex Series, the spotlight shifts to the intricate interplay of women's health and sex in the context of marriage. Rebekah LaRobardiere, a certified sex and relationship coach, joins the discussion, guiding listeners through the delicate dance of intimacy experienced by women from adolescence to menopause. Together, they explore the dynamic relationship between the body's natural rhythms and the emotional resonance of relationships, offering empathy and understanding to harmonize these elements into a loving melody.

The discussion begins with an exploration of the challenges inherent in navigating intimate waters amidst life's transitions. Shedding light on the unspoken struggles that can turn sex into a choreographed routine, rather than a spontaneous expression of love, they delve into both psychological and physiological aspects. Rebekah shares insights into the transformative potential of communication, addressing issues such as painful sex and psychological barriers, and highlighting how a deeper understanding of one's body can enhance intimate connections.

The conversation concludes with a heartfelt reflection on the delicate balance between self-care and the demands of intimacy, particularly for mothers. It serves as a reminder that self-nurturance is not a solitary endeavor but an essential component of a healthy relationship. Through Rebekah's guidance, they emphasize the importance of setting personal boundaries with grace and the empowering potential of taking ownership of one's choices in the bedroom and beyond. Tune in to elevate your relationship's choreography to an art form, where each step is taken with care, understanding, and a shared sense of rhythm.

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Rebekah Joy LaRobardiere is a seasoned explorer delving into the intricacies of human connection, particularly in the realms of sexuality and relationships. Rebekah embarked on her journey in 2004 when she married her Love, initiating a voyage marked by love, laughter, tears, and continual growth.

As a certified Sex and Relationship Coach, Rebekah brings not only a wealth of credentials but also a profound sense of empathy, humor, and genuine humanity to her practice. With just shy of two decades of dedicated engagement in her field, she holds certifications as a sexuality educator, complemented by a background in psychology and extensive study in Somatic Experiencing theory.

Moreover, Rebekah is passionate about empowering women to embrace their true selves, advocating for an appreciation of the natural cycles and phases that define our existence. By cultivating self-awareness and authenticity, individuals not only enrich their own lives but also create opportunities for those around them to pursue their desires with confidence.

It's essential to dispel the misconception that Rebekah, as a Sex and Relationship Coach, hasn’t had the same struggles as many of you. On the contrary, her journey is a testament to the messy, yet beautiful, nature of human connection—a journey marked by resilience, growth, intentionality, and profound moments of tenderness. Alongside her partner, Rebekah has navigated challenges, celebrated triumphs, and embraced the transformative power of change.

Connect with her on social media (@rjlcoaching) and explore her insights further at www.rjlcoaching.com.

Connect with Lauren:
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Connect with Jason:
Jay’s Instagram
Jay’s Facebook
BraveCo Instagram
www.braveco.org

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome back everyone to Dates, mates and Babies with the Valetins. This is our very last episode of our sex series.

Speaker 2: 0:11

It's true.

Speaker 1: 0:12

And it's been really fun.

Speaker 2: 0:13

I hope you guys have enjoyed this. We've gotten a lot of wild feedback about this topic.

Speaker 1: 0:19

Yeah, it's true.

Speaker 2: 0:20

And this is our sixth week. There's more we could say, right, honestly, we could add more topics to this series. And we will.

Speaker 1: 0:27

We're not done, Ladies and gentlemen. We are not done talking about sex.

Speaker 2: 0:32

No, but this is the last episode of our official series and I'm really stoked about how we're rounding this out. For some of you listeners, our final topic might be a little bit of a surprise to you because it is a little bit more narrow, but when Jason and I were planning out this series, we felt like specifically for the married couples, because this will hit that demographic most women's health.

Speaker 2: 1:00

Health is a huge, um, it's, it's a huge element that plays into sex inside of marriage or inside of relationships and, um, let's just be real about it, women's health is slightly more complicated on a hormonal and physical level than men's health hence the focus, and when we decided we wanted to include an, a final episode on women's health, changes in physical body, hormones, season of life, how that all plays into trauma, how that all plays into a sexual relationship between a man and a woman, we wanted to invite our friend Rebecca LaRabordiere into this conversation.

Speaker 2: 1:49

I'm going to let her introduce herself in a moment, but you guys, you're in for a treat, my friend Rebecca. She lives here in Reading, in our community, and I've known her for a long time and actually knew her as she was pursuing education in this arena, and I always have respected so much how passionate she is on the subject of sex and in helping people walk into freedom and understanding of themselves and others in this area. And she has a private practice and I really am excited about this conversation because she brings not just a head knowledge to the table, but she is a wife and she has a mom, and so she has walked this journey herself and she knows by experience how, how important the subject is.

Speaker 2: 2:38

And so, my friend Rebecca, I'm so glad you're here thanks for having me of course I would love for our listeners to just get to know you a little bit. Could you tell us about your family and then what you do for work and kind of how you got into that arena? Absolutely.

Speaker 3: 2:51

Okay, so I'm Rebecca. I'm a certified sex and relationship coach, a sexuality educator and a somatic experiencing practitioner. And for those that don't know what the somatic is, it's where we store trauma in our body, and so I help people find a safe enough space within themselves to process and allow their nervous system to cycle out that stored trauma.

Speaker 2: 3:20

Yes, amazing, amazing. Very simple. This is important work.

Speaker 3: 3:24

So important. Yes, I've been married for just about 20 years and we have three children. Our oldest turned 16 on Monday, and so we have three children and four sports and life is full and amazing and pretty much consists of sports, and so if you want to see me, come to the fielding event.

Speaker 1: 3:46

That's where you're doing. The coaching is on the side of the soccer field Exactly. We remember those years, don't we?

Speaker 2: 3:54

Oh yeah, yeah, we did those years with our big kids. You basically just live in your car. It's true, you live in your car and you eat more Chipotle than you should, and the day that your oldest kid can drive.

Speaker 1: 4:06

It feels like you got your entire life back.

Speaker 3: 4:08

For sure, for sure. Everything's scheduled. Okay, nothing can happen or be scheduled in these four hours. It's true, yeah. A full life.

Speaker 3: 4:18

So I got into this pretty much almost 20 years ago when I got married and realized it's not marriage and relationships and sex was not what I anticipated or what I was told, and so I set out on a journey pretty much the week we got back from our honeymoon to figure this out for me and anyone else that wanted to listen, wow, um, and so it's been a 20-year journey and experience. And then, when our children went to school, I decided to go back to school and I wanted to figure out how could I get paid to do what I love, and I love talking to people about sex and relationships, so why not figure out how to get paid to do that?

Speaker 3: 5:01

That's a good idea and so I did, and so I am going to forever be a student. I plan on going back to be an ABA, an Applied Behavior Analyst, in June. Okay, for my master's, which goes very well with the somatic, yes, and so, yeah, I will probably be a forever student and just loving people, relationships and how people work and why they work and everyone is so different, yes, that there's not a one size fits all.

Speaker 2: 5:34

Yeah absolutely OK. Well, as you can tell listeners, we have got the right guests on the show today, so I'm really excited to dive into this topic a little bit. I thought we could start just by kind of stating, and then I would love for you to speak into this, rebecca. So a woman's experience of sex typically evolves and progresses through these different stages of life, and it begins way before we're actually sexually active, of course, but from adolescence to, you know, the season of childbearing, all the way into menopause.

Speaker 2: 6:14

Um, our experience of sex changes so much, and I know that it has to do with a ton of different factors, but I think in my own experience and then in our work with people, we've learned that women, nor men, often have a really good understanding of what's actually happening inside of them. They're just very aware of whatever experience they're having with their partner good, bad or whatever positive or not fun at all and people don't really know where to start about that and they don't know, and we think that, hence the topic we really feel like helping people understand what's at play is a good first step. So, anyways, can we talk a little bit about just kind of a woman's experience of sex and how it evolves over a stage of life.

Speaker 3: 7:04

Yes, okay. So first I have a question. Okay, fantastic. So are we talking sex as in sexuality or as in intercourse, sexual pleasure, any of that, like what is the phrase that we're looking for or the definition? That's a really good question.

Speaker 2: 7:26

Yes, that's a really good question. Yes, that's a really good question. I think that. So, as we're in this podcast, our entire focus is on relational health. So we'll begin with the context of experiencing physical sex inside of a relationship, understanding that your view of sexuality in general absolutely impacts that experience. But maybe we start from the experience and then we zoom out.

Speaker 3: 7:51

Okay, so we might have to zoom out and then come in Take us on a journey, okay.

Speaker 3: 8:00

So, um, and this is part of why I wanted to become a sex educator, because you can't separate our sexuality from our humanity or our experiences.

Speaker 3: 8:11

And so if I could go back to the beginning and say, okay, in an ideal world we have helpful, effective and accurate sex ed, that would be beneficial. And that doesn't mean I'm teaching a two-year-old what sex is, but I'm teaching them what boundaries are, because that is one of the most important things in relational intercourse sex or in embracing your own sexuality Absolutely and so allowing children to know that they are autonomous and they get to have control over their body and know what's going on and like an example is okay. So we go into church, like back in the day we were little and we couldn't disrespect people, so we'd have to hug somebody, and it may be a creepy old man. I don't want to right, because viscerally it feels gross. But oh no, you have to because we don't want to make them feel bad, right. And so automatically we are told that our boundaries don't matter and our bodies don't matter and it's more important to make sure they're okay right, yeah, that's real and so we are taught to disregard everything that's going on in our body.

Speaker 3: 9:30

So from a very young age, our bodies don't matter and they lie right, and so we now have to override our bodies with our brain to be socially acceptable, right, and so then we get older and continue on, and then, when we become teenagers, start having relationships. We are now scolded again for not having boundaries Right, and so we are continually undergoing contradictory messages and so like, let's start there.

Speaker 3: 10:03

Yeah, like that has everything to do with how I'm going to interact with sex within a relationship. And if we, depending on how strong the message was purity culture or just abstinence or all of that, a woman's job is to keep herself modest, so men don't stumble right, and so now I am in control of men. Right, because they're practically animals is the message we're given. Right, and so I have to now control them, yet not be too pushy. Right, and it's all my job. And then later on we get married. On our wedding night, we're naked. Our brain says we want to do this, but our body is saying I am now naked, unsafe in a room with an animal, totally Right. And so what am?

Speaker 2: 10:58

I supposed to do Totally Right.

Speaker 1: 11:01

Very confusing.

Speaker 3: 11:02

So we are given all of these mixed messages that we don't know how to trust ourselves because we're taught not to. So going back to the beginning if we can teach our children to respect themselves, respect their body and respect them and listen to their intuition, then they will grow up without as much sexual trauma or baggage, because trauma doesn't have to be actual abuse. It can be an insinuation, it can be a belief system, it can be all of these things that we are told that we have to do to protect ourselves. And so if we could start there in an ideal world, that's where we'd start. Yet we're not in an ideal world, just had to circle that.

Speaker 3: 11:54

So now it would be, as you're in a relationship with someone, depending on your background, whether you've had sexual interactions or not, you're coming in with a belief system, and so is your partner. So I would say communication is the biggest key, and it is not sexy, it is not romantic and it is not fun, but it is necessary it's not what you see in movies, and it's it's.

Speaker 3: 12:27

Movies are not reality, porn is not reality what you see, and so if that is the sex ed that we have, then we will never measure up right. And so it's being able to talk. Okay, what do we want it to look like? What am I afraid of? And talk before you're married.

Speaker 1: 12:46

It's a really interesting thing and I know I'm jumping in here but, I think a lot of people's sex education is pornography, is middle school, you know, locker rooms, and especially nowadays where the average age of a child being exposed to pornography is 8 to 11 years old, and so most parents aren't equipped nor know how to have the conversation about sex and about healthy sexuality and what's happening in a child's body, and so I really do think a massive issue that we have is just what you're talking about. Men and women are coming into their sexuality with the education from a very perverted sexual view, and that becomes very challenging, and the message in the church is also very challenging because we're so quiet about it, we're so hush about sex and so embarrassed to talk about it that you're right. By the time a woman and a man get married and are on their honeymoon night, the man thinks this is going to be the moment I've waited for my whole entire life. Right Like we're, I'm about to have, I'm about to do things that I've never even thought of. Right.

Speaker 1: 14:14

And, and, or I'm about to do all the things that I watched.

Speaker 2: 14:19

Right, right.

Speaker 1: 14:19

And she's going to love it. She's going to get down. This is, this is what she's waiting for. And the woman is typically going. I have no idea what's about to happen with me and I'm freaked out. Or or she has this expectation. I had a close friend and she came back from her honeymoon and I said hey, how was it? She said actually it was really confusing. I said, oh, tell me about that. She goes. I thought that we were going to be rolling around for an hour and it was like five minutes.

Speaker 2: 14:56

And she was really kind of devastated. We're back to the breakdown in sex education, because what a bummer right that anybody would have to wait until their wedding night to discover the facts about sex, especially at the beginning of a relationship. And I think that's one of the things that I like to kind of dismantle is this idea that right away it should be awesome. Right yeah, as if any part of your marriage is the most deeply connected at the very beginning.

Speaker 1: 15:26

like it's such a journey one thing that dr glenn said, um, which I thought was really great, is he was talking about sex and marriage. We, uh, on the honeymoon night, we kind of just have this thing like it's just gonna hurt and you just have to kind of push through that and you just got to do that. And he was talking about how, for women, how much trauma is stored up in their first experience, right, like there's so much pressure to have sex honeymoon night, yep, and do this thing. That again, a lot of you know a lot of women have never done and or never done in a way that feels loving and caring.

Speaker 1: 16:02

And they're forced into this spot, not even on purpose, right? You just think this is just what we do.

Speaker 3: 16:08

This is life. This is what humanity is, because it's a very painful experience.

Speaker 1: 16:14

Right right, and so I love this conversation because we're able to unpack like no, let's create a new normal. Yeah, absolutely, and let's help people heal from what's happened to them Absolutely Okay.

Speaker 2: 16:25

So we've kind of talked broadly and we've gone back to the beginning and emphasized the importance of education and re-education. Often, right, talk a little bit about, um, it isn't an uncommon experience for a woman and this is often a surprise to discover that sex is either painful or scary. And and let's, for the purposes of this conversation, talk about it in the context of marriage and assume that, um, the married couple is happy and excited about getting married and potentially surprised by the fact that sex is either not what they expected or, for the woman specifically, it's painful or it feels scary, or they find themselves not wanting to do it and they're shocked by that. So what about a woman, rebecca? What about? A woman plays into that dynamic? What do you see most often?

Speaker 3: 17:28

So when I have that scenario come in, there are a few questions that need to be asked. Okay, is there sexual trauma that you know of Yep, right, yep, you know of yep, right, yeah, and um, like, have you used tampons before this? Uh-huh, because some, some women don't, because their husband's going to be the first thing that ever enters them. Wow, yeah, right, um. And then are you extra stressed? Uh-huh, um, and do you have trust issues? Yes.

Speaker 3: 18:07

And I don't word it that way but do you believe that your partner has your best interest in mind and that this is for you? Because oftentimes, as women, we go in believing it is for the man, right. And then, if it doesn't go, well on the wedding night for the first time ever, and now I've already failed as a wife, right? So now I'm giving myself to an animal, and now I've failed, yep. And now I can't tell anyone because they're gonna think I didn't hear from god, totally right. And now, if I don't do this, he might leave me, because if I don't fulfill my wifely duties, there's this obligatory idea that is wrapped along with that. So then, as soon as it becomes an obligation, the choice is gone and then desire is gone. Oh yeah, right. And so those are all things you have to suss out. Yeah, um, if it's painful, then find out, okay, have you seen a gynecologist? Um, retro, uh, retroverted um uterus, which is, it's pointed back and so switching angles, that's a big one. Um, vaginismus, dryness. Are you using lube, like people are like well, if, if I'm really good at this, I don't need lube? No, everybody like, lube makes it better, no matter what Um and size does matter, or are you getting aroused, like a lot of times it's not talked about.

Speaker 3: 19:41

It's when a woman has sex without being aroused. It's like a man trying to have sex without an erection, like it just doesn't work as well. Right, and so being aroused and taking the time is important. And then sometimes women get in their head am I taking too long? Is it going to be worth it? Am I disappointing him? And so then the whole scenario that's going on in your head because we're too afraid to say something, because I'm already disappointing him, because it's not amazing. Yeah, so you have all of those, and a lot of times pain is physical, yet also a lot psychological.

Speaker 2: 20:22

Yeah, I will never forget. Physical, yet also a lot psychological. Yeah, I will never forget. I had a um, a uh, what do you call it? A lingerie shower before I got married and I invited a bunch of girls over and I had.

Speaker 3: 20:34

They shall remain nameless but I can tell you their names, cause I will never forget this moment.

Speaker 2: 20:39

I had one girl who basically was trying to prep me. We had this this time where everybody got to share like the married girls got to share their best piece of advice, and she, basically, in the moment I could tell I mean she is speaking from her pain and giving me this advice, basically, which was brace yourself. It's terrible at first, it's going to hurt, but don't worry, you'll figure it out. Down the road It'll get better, but it is probably always going to hurt. It's going to hurt but don't worry, you'll figure it out down the road It'll get better, but it is probably always going to hurt. And I listened to her and luckily I was old enough and mature enough to go like, ooh, she's speaking out of her pain like this. I don't receive this. But then I haven't.

Speaker 2: 21:16

I have another friend who had been married about the same amount of time and she's like a just a totally different story and she piped in and she goes I'm sorry, but actually it's only painful if you're really afraid. So the best advice I could give you is to pay attention to your heart over these next few weeks leading up to the wedding and ask yourself if you're actually afraid of anything, and I don't think either one is a hundred percent true. Right, I think that things could be painful without fear involved. There could be something physical going on, like you said, um, but it did.

Speaker 2: 21:52

It did give me this like spectrum where I realized, oh my gosh, women's experiences of sex are. There's such a wide range of experience. But my friend who was talking about the fear component there was so much truth in life on what she was saying and what I. One of the pieces of advice that I, from that point on, have continued to give women who have never had sex and are about to be married is um, um, do a good job addressing your heart in those weeks and months before marriage. And, you know, ask yourself if you're afraid. And if there's fear or uncertainty, or even even just ignorance. If there's ignorance like this is the time to ask those questions and to do that heart work. Because the experience of sex you really can't have a good experience in sex if you're feeling afraid of anything.

Speaker 3: 22:44

Yeah, right.

Speaker 2: 22:44

That's like a chemical thing. Your brain actually can't be in fight or flight mode and have a good time and experience pleasure.

Speaker 3: 22:51

No, because pleasure is a relinquishing of control. But if I'm in fight, flight or freeze, I have to be in some sort of control to keep myself safe.

Speaker 2: 23:00

Yes, exactly, exactly it's great advice right, I know?

Speaker 3: 23:03

I thought so too.

Speaker 2: 23:04

She's not a sex therapist, but she does enjoy her sex life.

Speaker 2: 23:09

Um, okay, I'm going to just move us along because, this is conversation is riveting, so, um, one of the things that comes up often when we're talking with couples is that they've been married for some length of time and things were okay. Most of them didn't really know that they weren't laying like the best foundation in the area of intimacy. But before you have kids you can kind of fake it till you make it like you can kind of truck along and it's okay. Then the pressure of children comes and all of your vulnerabilities are exposed, and especially the woman is now. I mean, she doesn't even recognize herself, and so she's wondering what in the world? How does our future even, how does this work?

Speaker 2: 23:47

And so I wonder, rebecca, if you could talk a little bit about that transitional season from being a woman without children to being in this childbearing season, and how do you see that impacting sex. I think it can be a really confusing time for couples, because they know that they're enjoying this, the gift of a child, but they're wondering if their intimacy is dying on the side, you know, and they're not sure how to resurrect it. They don't know what to do. And so I wonder if you could talk about that season for a little bit and what happens, maybe on a hormonal level, a physical level, relational level.

Speaker 3: 24:20

Yeah, that's a hard time. I love the point of like. We love that we have children, but is this dying? There is an element of grieving and mourning the loss of what you had, the less responsibility your sleep, um all of those things, and so being able to hold the tension of both, and, like I wouldn't trade having my children, but I miss, you know, sleep through the night, oh no I miss being able to be spontaneous like all of those things.

Speaker 3: 24:52

But if you live in denial that you miss these things and you aren't able to grieve and mourn the loss, that is going to hang over this, yes, and then your stress levels, your cortisol, because you're hanging on to something and don't believe you can actually let it go, yeah, or grieve it, yeah, and it's necessary.

Speaker 3: 25:11

It's like when you get married, you have to grieve more in the loss of your singleness. Like you know, you can do whatever you want, and now I chose this and I wouldn't trade it, but I'm now responsible with somebody, yeah Right, and letting go and allowing yourself to be sad. So it's that same thing with children, and so every new season is allowing that, grieving and mourning the loss and keeping communication open, that it's not blaming one or the other, because when that happens, like we store it in our body, we have to. We put up our walls and protect ourselves. Cortisol is crazy high because of stress, lack of sleep, and so as long as that's happening, desire is very minimal, unless you're a stress sexer. There are people that are just stress sexers right Interesting yeah.

Speaker 3: 26:06

And so there are so many reasons to have sex other than procreation or making love. It's like oh, I'm bored, let's have sex. Or I'm tired and can't sleep, let's have sex. Like there's a whole slew, but sometimes we box it into. These are the reasons to have sex, and so if it's only to fulfill my husband's needs, well, I don't want to do that. Yeah, like I don't have it in me or I have to be connected emotionally, well, I don't have it Right. And so your hormones are rampantly changing when you get pregnant, and for some pregnant women they already go 24-7. Like all the extra fluids and everything, and very aware of every sensation in their body, and they're just like, hey, let's go. And the husbands are like I can't keep up. This is a dream come true.

Speaker 2: 26:58

Yeah, exactly. And then others it's like don't come near me, Don't touch me, the peakers, the ones that just throw up the whole nine months.

Speaker 3: 27:07

I'm like how do you live like that? Yeah, and so it is recognizing how your body is and not trying to change it yes, but to optimize it, yes. And while we're at this, I would say let's talk about a woman's cycle, okay, good, okay, great.

Speaker 3: 27:23

Because a lot of times we view our cycle as a bad thing, not a gift. Yes, but in reality our cycle is amazing and phenomenal and we have different strengths during each phase of our cycle. Yes, right, yes, right. And so if we can educate ourselves and our spouses or you know, from a young age we could get that out there Then we can step into who we are designed to be, because we live in a world that is very male dominant, right? Yet our bodies are not designed to live that way on the 24 hour cycle.

Speaker 3: 28:05

We are designed to live on a 28 to 32 day cycle, okay, and so the first phase of our cycle is the follicular, and we have a higher resting estrogen, lower cortisol, right. And so that's like if you want to work out, do your HIIT workouts, do your cardio. The first two phases the follicular and the ovulatory and for the follicular, your strengths are creativity, planning, brainstorming, and so this is when you start new projects. I'm in my prime and I'm in my follicular. I come alive, lean into it, instead of trying to force yourself into being something else, and so I try to schedule my work and my brainstorming. If I'm going to do social media posts, I'm going to do that in my ovulatory stage, because that's when communication and collaboration are a lot higher.

Speaker 3: 29:01

Those are the strengths that we get to bring to the table are a lot higher. Those are the strengths that we get to bring to the table. And if we can't recognize that, we just feel like, oh, one day I'm here and I'm like this roller coaster. But in reality, if we can hone in, we actually can get stuff done and do it really well, and not try to measure up to a man's standard, because we're never going to because we are women. But if our standard is, what does it look like to be a woman and own it? Like we will crush. And then, during the luteal phase, it's more like attending, nurturing less social outings, right? And so figure out, where am I? Because I planned this two weeks ago and now I don't want to see anyone, totally.

Speaker 2: 29:47

Oh my gosh, that's so real, it is.

Speaker 3: 29:50

And so this is a time you do your administrative tasks, you organize and you just start gathering things and prep, like okay.

Speaker 3: 29:59

And then in your menstrual cycle, everyone's like're so cranky, but that's because you haven't allowed yourself to process, and with the higher estrogen, you let things roll off your back and but they're still there, right.

Speaker 3: 30:12

But if you allowed yourself, like connection codes or like if something hurts, say ouch, do that the whole time, stay current, stay current and you don't blow up as much, yeah, that's true, wow.

Speaker 3: 30:26

And then, when you're in your menstrual cycle, it's when you're more analytical and your intuition is more present and your right and left brain hemispheres are actually communicating. So this is when you revisit all of your goals, you trust yourself, and then you make changes that are necessary or plan to, and then when you're back in, yeah, the follicular, you implement it because now I'm ready to engage again, right. And so we have this perfect map of okay, this is how we can do life and do it well. And then in the second two phases, our resting, estrogen is lower and cortisol is higher, which we can all tell. And so you don't want to do your HIIT workouts and hardcore cardio. You want to do yoga and higher caloric intake to actually optimize your body and your hormones, and there's a whole slew of foods that we could get into but we won't get into all of that right now.

Speaker 2: 31:24

It's really helpful, even for the men, to hear, like how many men know really what's going on in that 28, 30 day cycle.

Speaker 1: 31:34

I was just going to say women's health is definitely the man's business, because my job is to be a helper to you and to be a good supporter and to really understand you and know you.

Speaker 1: 31:48

And the more that I understand and know you, the more secure and safe and and loved you feel, which plays into every area of our life. Like, every husband wants a wife that respects him and if you know your wife and you understand her and you understand where she's at, then it's so much easier for her to do that so much easier.

Speaker 2: 32:16

Yes, absolutely yeah. This is like a critical conversation. Isn't it wild? How few people really know.

Speaker 3: 32:25

And then it's learning to optimize for your sex life. Okay, some women are ready to go in ovulatory and other phases not as much. Okay, cool, it's not feast or famine, but how do we optimize this so there's not a scarcity mentality Uh-huh, that's good, right. And then others are like anytime mentality uh-huh, that's right. And then others are like anytime, uh-huh, right. And so it's learning to work with your body and your cycle and your partner, so that you know, okay, it's not feast or famine, it's not like when will I ever have it again? It's like, oh, great, I know where you are. You know where you are because you know you and I know you, yes, so how would we not thrive sexually if we maintain that connection?

Speaker 1: 33:08

you know, it's been a big change and I was talking to my guy friends, um, the other night about this is in my past. Um, even in our past, sex was a challenging topic for us because of all the different. I mean, yeah, just there's so much stress in the very beginning, blending a family, yeah, and then, I think, the pressure of work and learning about sex. There's one at one point which we've talked about, where you are in the space of like, why do we even have to have sex, you know, and and why did God create it like this?

Speaker 1: 33:45

Because it was frustrating and for me, I always carried around this anxiety of like are we going to connect? Are my needs going to get taken care of? It was like this big puzzle of like how to get you into the mood and without forcing it on, you know, like there was so much tension inside of me.

Speaker 3: 34:03

Yes, with potential rejection. Oh, how do I tiptoe around it? Yeah.

Speaker 1: 34:08

And I mean I genuinely have a higher uh sex drive than Lauren does, and so you know, it's just all that and if I'm stressed, that's what I want to go to Right, like that's part of what really helps me. If I feel disconnected, again that's. That's a driver for me. Yeah, and it's been awesome the last several years because the anxiety around sex for us at least for me has been, has gone, like I don't have a bunch of anxiety around. Does she understand my needs? Does she understand where we're at? Does she know where I'm at, just with work and life? And and because of that I don't even think we have sex more often than we used to. But because we don't have, I'm not carrying around this anxiety of you're in a bunch of pain around sex and I have to figure out how to like engage with this woman who's really frustrated in this area.

Speaker 1: 35:14

Yeah, it has completely changed it for me.

Speaker 2: 35:17

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 35:19

Which is a big help.

Speaker 2: 35:21

Absolutely. Yeah, it has. I mean, I suppose back to sex should get better the longer you're married, just like every area of your marriage ideally gets better the longer you're married because you understand each other, more you understand yourselves, more you learn and grow together, and the more you build trust with each other and the more you understand one another, the more enjoyable your intimate life is going to be, naturally, and you're not just basing it then, as we get older, it's not just like in your twenties, hot and heavy right.

Speaker 3: 35:55

Because, you're just raging hormones. It gets to be a little more intentional, a little more purposeful, a little more connected, because I actually want to know what pleases you and what turns you on and what gets you going, and how do we create something beautiful here instead of we're just meeting this 20 year old raging hormone. Yes, right, and so it gets to be beautiful, for sure, that's when it takes a little longer than five minutes. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 36:26

Okay, rebecca, I have a question for you. Okay, um, this is a principle or a thought that I've just kind of been rolling around in my head lately, but I then it was. It was brought up in a conversation with a friend the other day. She had listened to a podcast and it was a doctor of some sort talking about what happens in a woman's brain when she feels needed and how that can either be a positive experience for a woman or a negative experience, and there's a lot of women that are wired to be needed. I would be one of those women Like I have a. You know, I want the. I want for my kids, for example. I love being able to meet the needs of my kids. Um, I actually really love in my. If I'm left to myself, I would mother anybody and everybody around me, which I've learned to like reign that in a little bit Right.

Speaker 2: 37:17

But what I've noticed happens to me in sex sometimes and I think this is a relatively common experience with women is something about when I feel like he needs me in order to be okay.

Speaker 2: 37:31

At the end of a long day where I've also been needed by all of these other people or things or agenda items or whatever it is, and I'm tired, his need for me is actually like a repellent. Oh yeah, it feels like a. Well, you couldn't turn me off faster, that need that you have. And so the this conflict comes, because I actually know I'm the only person on planet earth that he can get that need met with. In my deep soul I want to meet that need for him. I will. I'm happy I am his only partner that he'll ever have that can meet that need. But you try to turn me on in that, in that setting, it ain't gonna happen and so we're going to either be disconnected or he's not going to get what he feels and and he's a good man right. So it's not like he needs me because he's some horny animal.

Speaker 2: 38:24

He needs me because he needs connection, and God's actually wired him in such a way that sex is such a catalyst for connection for him. Anyways, this is the picture. I think it's a really common experience. What is at play there, and what do we do about it? Because to be repelled by his need is a problem.

Speaker 3: 38:46

It is. It is a problem. Yes, I would. I would break down a little bit of the belief systems. Here is why is his need repelling? And does it have anything to do with you are meeting his needs? You're like washing his dishes, right, instead of what do you get out of it? Also Because, okay, I'm exhausted. It's been a long day. I've done all these things. And now there's one more thing when I wanted to go to bed, so I didn't even get my checklist done, so now I am almost servicing you instead of. What are we doing together to also meet my needs? Yeah, right, because if it can be a joint instead of I am now taking care of you, because that is very unattractive. Like if.

Speaker 3: 39:37

I have to take care of you, not because we are connected, not because we're a unit, not because oh like, why would I not want to Like?

Speaker 3: 39:49

that's like changing a dirty diaper it just is, it's not attractive and so, recognizing, why do I not want to do? I believe that he's trying to take from me, right, and if that's the belief system, then figure out if that belief system is helping you or hurting you. Right, and then where, in other places, whether within this context or other contexts, do you have the same visceral feels, like that's unattractive and I want nothing to do with you? Right, and then figure out what do I need to do with that, so that when I come in here, what do I actually want my response to be? Yeah, and how can I communicate in a way when I'm exhausted?

Speaker 3: 40:33

Hey, I, I would love to meet your need, but I don't want to be in charge of one more thing. Could you just pleasure me and in that like, we will get to you, but I need to be taken care of also, because a lot of times it's I've taken care of everybody and I didn't even eat warm food today and I've had to go to the bathroom for an hour before I actually got away. It's another betrayal of our bodies.

Speaker 3: 41:03

And so just saying yes because it's an obligation or because well, of course, in our head, we know I'm the only one that's going to meet that need, so I need to. Well, there's the obligation, right, and so shifting the mindset to okay, what do I need? And being able to be honest about it.

Speaker 2: 41:23

Does that answer your question? Yeah, I think that's fantastic. I know one of the things that I've discovered about myself is how much um actually to get to a place of arousal and to get to a place where I do enjoy sex with my husband, I actually have to engage my brain quite a bit with like I actually have to focus, because my nature is to kind of multitask all the time and to keep all the things in mind. So I have to get really focused and I've noticed that when I'm tired I don't want to do a thing that requires my mental focus. I don't want to. And it's different to him because when he's tired, that's one of the number one times that he wants sex, and I've just learned recently that that's not male across the board.

Speaker 2: 42:14

I have a friend who is like oh, when my husband is really stressed and tired, he has no sex drive. I was like really, is that so? I thought it was like a male thing.

Speaker 3: 42:25

No, those are stereotypes Like I have couples that the women are like he's just not interested because this and that, and it is a role reversal. So it's not a male, female thing, it is a person, an individual thing.

Speaker 2: 42:40

This is me, this is who I got so okay. So, rebecca, we don't have a ton of time left, but I want to make sure that, because you are the expert in this field. So if you were speaking to people on women's health, as it pertains to sex in relationship, what is maybe one or two of the most important things that you feel like people need to know, if we haven't addressed it already like you're like, this would be the take home, like I would want you to know dot dot dot. Is there anything that we haven't covered yet? That you're like this would be the take home, like I would want you to know dot dot dot. Is there anything that we haven't covered yet? That you're like this is really important.

Speaker 3: 43:13

First thought that comes to mind is learning to be present in your body and trusting yourself. Because we live in a very fast paced world and, especially as moms, we, you know, we take a backseat to our own needs. Yeah Right, we don't eat warm food because everyone else has to. We don't drink water when we're thirsty, we don't go to the bathroom when we need to, we don't sleep when we're tired, and so all of those reinforce in our bodies that we can't. Our bodies can't be trusted, right, and so it's a continual betrayal.

Speaker 3: 43:48

And so when I have people come, they're like well, I have no desire all of this. Those are the four things that oftentimes the first bit of homework. I want you for the next two weeks, when you need to use the bathroom, I want you to go, and it's super inconvenient. When I want you to eat warm food when you're hungry, I want you to eat when you're tired, take a nap, and they're like oh yeah, I can do that, and they come back. They're like that was so hard, totally right. But learning to be present in your body, because you have to be present to actually enjoy sex. So if you can't be present in real, outside the bedroom or wherever you're having sex. If you can't be present there, it is going to be extremely difficult to be present in sex.

Speaker 1: 44:35

It also seems like you're teaching women to take care of themselves and not betray themselves. Yes, and that to me feels like a really big key because so many women put their needs on the back burner and listen. There's a time for everything. Absolutely.

Speaker 1: 44:54

Everyone at some point in time. But if that's the way that you run your life and you don't trust that you'll take care of yourself, then you don't trust that anyone else is going to take care of you Right. And so you're coming in with a whole bunch of fear. That's true, yeah.

Speaker 2: 45:08

Right, really good, and I think that's something that husbands can help their wives with a lot Like if, the if. If my husband knows that I have a tendency to betray myself and not listen to my body, sometimes it actually. I know this might sound silly, but as a mom and a wife, sometimes I need external permission. I need like a reinforced permission, like, hey, you have permission to care about this, you have permission to, and I, you know, I have a very helpful, very present husband who's very connected to our kids and who is really happy to help me carry the load. Yeah, so I actually tend to feel extra guilty when I need more because he already gives a lot.

Speaker 2: 45:54

And it's just wild what we do in our heads, like the criticisms that we have for ourselves as women. You know, for whatever reason, I feel like there's a, a, um, a measurement of like how much freedom quote is it okay to need? And if my husband has helped 20 pounds, then I probably only have permission to ask for three, but if he hasn't helped at all and he's been away on a trip or something, then I feel incredible amounts of permission to need 30 pounds of freedom today, or whatever it might be. It's just really interesting how we try to do this math in our minds and and in reality, if we're just, if our priority probably is to actually just make sure that each of us are getting what we need in any area, especially in the area of taking care of ourselves, because that's nobody else's job. Nobody else can go to the bathroom for me, rebecca, it's true.

Speaker 3: 46:52

Such a shame. Yes, I know, but we're also taught and marriages have been about the wife making the husband's life convenient. And so.

Speaker 3: 47:03

I actually encourage my clients. I want you to inconvenience your spouse, because it's an opportunity for connection and so allowing that inconvenience is not a bad thing, and messes are good, it's just deal with them. And then, one more thing that I think is extremely important is own your yeses and your no's. If you want to have sex, say yes. If you don't say no, or if you're like it's not a no, but I'm not ready, like I'm willing, like those are very important, because if you don't know what you want, then neither will they, and then it keeps you in this ambiguity mind frame. And so own in your yeses and your nos and be honest. And then it takes away the concern like, does she really want to? Does he really want to? Because if you can't be honest here, where else are you not being honest with yourself or your partner?

Speaker 1: 48:05

It's back to not betraying yourself.

Speaker 3: 48:07

Exactly Right.

Speaker 1: 48:08

We're back to actually taking care of yourself and having needs and making sure that you feel valuable and like. You have a choice and are willingly participating in what you want to and I mean that that's how you transform a relationship is you have two people that feel powerful, that love themselves, that are bringing their all. And I know that when you say, hey, yeah, I'm, I'm into whatever we're doing, that You're not, you're not betraying yourself in order to do that?

Speaker 1: 48:44

Cause. Ultimately, what happens in this scenario too, I think, is we get resentful at the other person when really it's it starts with me, and that's on both ends, husbands and wives is. I have this battle going on in my mind, cause I'm not really telling you the truth, but I feel like you're not taking care of me, and it's our job to take care of us, and we teach our partner how to take care of us as well. To take care of us, and we teach our partner how to take care of us as well, what we will and won't do, what's good for us, what's not good for us, and so I really do like, if you've taught your partner about you and in doing so you've been betraying yourself, you're the first one that needs to repent of that and to change that ecosystem, because otherwise you know you can't expect someone to do something for you.

Speaker 1: 49:27

That you're not doing for, because otherwise you know you can't expect someone to do something for you that you're not doing for yourself, right, yeah, absolutely Okay, this is so good.

Speaker 2: 49:35

We could keep going and going, and going. I can talk for hours, so, rebecca what if somebody listening feels like, oh my gosh, I need to talk to her some more. How can people find you? Are you on social media? Do you have a website? Tell us a little bit about how people can find you if they need your resources.

Speaker 3: 49:51

Yes, I have a website, it's rjlcoachingcom, and I have Instagram, rjlcoachingcom.

Speaker 2: 50:00

And.

Speaker 3: 50:00

I sometimes post. Yeah, excellent, okay.

Speaker 2: 50:03

Well, we're going to put all of this in the show notes. You guys, Hopefully you appreciated hearing from Rebecca and our prayer for you today is that, whether you're a man or a woman listening, married or unmarried, that there would be some awareness of what. What parts of sexual development, sexuality, sex inside of relationship have you not understood fully and where might you have questions and how can you set yourself up better for real intimacy, which is the whole goal, is connection.

Speaker 2: 50:39

The whole goal is connection and so hopefully, um, our conversation today sparked some more questions in you because, as Rebecca said, I mean I do think we all have to we have to commit to being lifelong learners. I mean, I do think we all have to, we have to commit to being lifelong learners. This journey, especially inside of marriage and in the area of intimacy, it's not an arrival type of situation. We are growing and learning and growing together every day. So I'm thankful for this. I feel like I learned a lot and I hope that this was a blessing to all of you listeners.

Speaker 1: 51:10

Guys, thank you so much for listening to our sex series. We hope that you enjoyed it a ton and we will see you next week. We'll see ya, you.