70. The Emotional Bank Account of Your Relationship
May 08, 2024
Jason and Lauren Vallotton
In the 70th episode of their podcast, celebrating a quarter-million downloads, The Vallottons delve into the concept of emotional bank accounts. They guide listeners through recognizing the subtle signs of emotional depletion and emphasize the importance of self-care to maintain inner resilience. From navigating the challenges of loss and parenthood, they advocate for replenishing one's spirit through activities that bring joy and fulfillment to everyday life.
Drawing from the insights of the Gottman Institute, The Vallottons explore the dynamics of emotional exchanges in relationships, particularly within marriages. They highlight the institute's recommendation of maintaining a golden ratio of five positive interactions to every negative one for a thriving partnership. The hosts offer practical advice on making intentional deposits into the love account through affirmations, encouragement, and thoughtful gestures that nurture the bond between partners.
In the 70th episode of their podcast, celebrating a quarter-million downloads, The Vallottons delve into the concept of emotional bank accounts. They guide listeners through recognizing the subtle signs of emotional depletion and emphasize the importance of self-care to maintain inner resilience. From navigating the challenges of loss and parenthood, they advocate for replenishing one's spirit through activities that bring joy and fulfillment to everyday life.
Drawing from the insights of the Gottman Institute, The Vallottons explore the dynamics of emotional exchanges in relationships, particularly within marriages. They highlight the institute's recommendation of maintaining a golden ratio of five positive interactions to every negative one for a thriving partnership. The hosts offer practical advice on making intentional deposits into the love account through affirmations, encouragement, and thoughtful gestures that nurture the bond between partners.
Welcome back everyone to Dates, mates and Babies with the Valetins. We have a cool episode today, but we also just broke 250,000 downloads.
Speaker 2:
Oh, three cheers for us, that's awesome.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, it's so cool 70 episodes. This is our 70th episode and thanks to everyone who's gone on and shared our podcast and left a comment and helped us grow this is so much fun.
Speaker 2:
It's been really fun.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, today we're going to talk about our emotional bank accounts and filling up our emotional bank accounts. When we talk about emotional bank account, we often think about ourselves in the context of how full am I? But also today we're going to talk about our emotional bank accounts in our marriage as well.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 1:
And I love this conversation because our emotional bank accounts as a human being often gets overlooked and it's really easy to find out that you're in the red and on empty when it's too late. And so many individuals run on E because, well, there's all kinds of reasons why, mostly because we haven't really learned how to take care of ourselves and learn how to notice the signs. But also married couples run on E a lot and if you don't have a bank account to pull from, then you're just in survival mode forever, and survival mode's not terrible because we have to survive, but you can't live there forever, and so today we want to just kind of dive into that and talk about how to grow the emotional bank account.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, there, there is okay. So, the concept of an emotional bank account, um, it is typically. It is typically referred to in the context of relationship. We're going to talk about your own. Like Jason said, we're going to talk about you know, what do you? Because, ultimately, the question is what do you have to give?
Speaker 2:
Like how are you doing? And, in the context of relationships, how are you doing equals? Are your needs getting met in a way that you actually have any excess, like, do you have margin? Do you have, um, you know, do you have space? Do you have the energy and the resources that you need inside of yourself to happen to your life in a way that produces the results you're looking for ultimately?
Speaker 2:
Um, in a relational context, there is I don't know if any of you have heard of the book, uh, seven habits of highly effective people by Stephen Covey. A lot of people are familiar with that book, but, um, he made this concept of an emotional bank account really popular and, according to him, it kind of represents the trust and emotional connection that individuals build with each other over time through consistent positive interaction and kindness and things like that. So we're going to talk a lot about how do you actually pour into your relationship in a way that adds to your connection. Ultimately, if our goal is connection inside of our relationship, then that's really important to know how to actually access the bank account, how to check and see you know what do you have in the account and then, what are you spending like? Do you have enough that you can actually make withdrawals.
Speaker 2:
And when we talk about withdrawals we're talking about negative, negative impacts to the relationship that require emotional connection. You don't have an endless bucket of supplies to draw from and every withdrawal it impacts your connection and your relationship to a certain degree. So let's talk a little bit about the individual side first, and I think, like questions that come to my mind when we talk about what's going on in my reserve tank emotionally as an individual, I wonder okay, do I have excess or am I just breaking even, or am I in the red? And how do I actually know?
Speaker 1:
Yeah, it's a great question to me. It goes back to are you, are you feeling depressed? Are you feeling overwhelmed? Are you at a spot where you're avoiding work, check out a lot, and those are all signs that, hey, you probably need to refill. The other thing is like are you at a spot where, uh, you're feeling really negative, like everything feels hard, everything feels, you know, sad, everything?
Speaker 2:
feels down and we all have like Hmm, I'm hearing myself described right now. I would say I'm in a. I'm currently in a season where I feel like my individual reserve tank is very low.
Speaker 1:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
Very little margin.
Speaker 1:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
Lots of tears.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, it's true, and I mean you just came out of your mom dying and came through kids and yeah, hard season with the little kids and all that, which is I mean whenever we go through a really challenging season, like the death in a family, like a transition, a work transition like economy crashes like. Covid. It puts us in this place where we used so much emotional energy just to get back to normal, and so it is making sure that you're taking the time to fill up emotionally. Well, how do we do that?
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 1:
It's it's having fun, it's exercising, it's eating well, it's going to bed on time, it's taking vitamins, um, it's doing things that refresh your soul and making sure that you fight for that, because, especially like as parents I mean we're parents it can be really hard to feel good about getting away and taking a break just to go have fun or just to, you know, lay in the sun and things like that. But if you don't do that, then you end up with nothing.
Speaker 2:
Right.
Speaker 1:
The other thing, too, is can you do your responsibilities in a way that brings more life, for instance, like if I'm, if I'm just talking to you, I'm like, okay, lake dates with your girlfriends, with the kids, because you're at home with the kids, and, man, if you could take them to a place where they have fun and where you have fun and where you enjoy it, then, instead of it being just hard work, like maybe when we just stay at home it's like wow, it's hard work.
Speaker 1:
You're telling them don't get into that, don't do this. Like maybe when we just stay at home it's like, wow, it's hard work. You're telling them don't get into that, don't do this. But if you can do it in a way that brings you life then and get really creative, then all of a sudden, like that makes your it makes your life so much easier.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, yeah, that's good, so okay. So we talked a little bit about how do you make sure that you're full. We kind suggestions, but I hear a lot of people confused about that, especially people who are either busy with full-time work if they're single, or or married Um, if you've got a spouse or kids, you know a job and how do you actually find time? Like, what is what's the key to cause? It can't just be tropical vacations Like you can't. You can't get full on one tropical vacation a year and expect to have the reserve in your tank that you need in order to face the daily grind of life.
Speaker 1:
I think the I think the most draining thing in life isn't what you're going through, it's what you think about what you're going through.
Speaker 2:
It's, it's living life without hope.
Speaker 1:
It's living life without hope, it's living life without truth. It's the battle inside of your mind, and so I think that that's why we have in the Bible I mean, it's like a really common knowledge that there's 365 times in the Bible that God says fear not. And then we know that, like, hopelessness is probably the biggest drain on human beings in general. And then also trying to solve things that you don't have the grace to solve, like trying to solve things that you actually can't solve today. So projecting, projecting into your future things that that haven't happened but are we're afraid are going to happen.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 1:
And so it goes back to philippians 4, right like, meditate on these things, focus on these things, um believe, believe these type of things and and so I really do.
Speaker 1:
I think that it's okay. You don't have a lot of time in a day to be on vacation great. You have to take the time that you do have to get your mind right and to get your body right. So everybody, honestly everybody's got 20 minutes. Now, whether you want to, you know, I think 20 minutes you can get a workout at 20 minutes. You can go for a walk 20 minutes, you can.
Speaker 2:
So I just think you're assuming we have a babysitter. I'm listening, I'm thinking about the moms. I'm like 20 minutes Totally.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, I, I.
Speaker 2:
I think that it's um what if my kid screams every time? I put them in the stroller and then the other one has refused to nap and I know that's just real life.
Speaker 1:
It is real life and I think that it's going back to um. You can't always get everything that you need right away in that moment, so you have to pre-plan. It's like if you don't have, if you can't get 20 minutes today, then maybe you can have a friend come.
Speaker 2:
I think that's the real key is you can't wait until you're in need to meet the need. That's not a good plan.
Speaker 1:
That's a bad plan.
Speaker 2:
And the I will say the most, the most stable, the most emotionally stable and like I mean logistically and emotionally stable seasons of my life have been where I've been really intentional and have planned ahead and carved time out to do the things that really bring me life. And I mean for a little while it was Monday mornings. I had coffee at seven 30 with a friend every morning. Every Monday morning meant that in our, mine and yours daily or weekly agenda you knew that you were on with the kids from seven 30 to eight 30 on Mondays.
Speaker 1:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
And that's that worked for us and that was a really help. That was a really big help to me.
Speaker 1:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
I think about. I mean, we talked a little bit about friendships in last week's episode and for me, for both of us really time with friends and connection with other people is really significant in making sure that our individual emotional accounts are full. And I don't know what I would, I don't know what version of myself I would be if I haven't, if I hadn't had my core group every other Wednesday for the last decade.
Speaker 1:
Oh bad.
Speaker 2:
You wouldn't like me, I wouldn't like me, it would be really gnarly. But that type of infilling that I got or get it only happened because I was really intentional about planning it. I planned ahead, I didn't wait to be in need and actually actually we kind of made like a an agreement as a small group that like being tired wasn't a good reason not to come. So it was like you can, you can not come if you're like throwing up or if you have a fever or like if your husband's not there to take care of your kid who's throwing up?
Speaker 2:
like, obviously, but really, truly, like we made it, made it such a priority like you just can't miss. Yeah, because it was a lifeline.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, it is a lifeline I think that those things are massively important because it adds so much life to you, right, like, our friends give us so much hope. Our friends give us perspective. Our friends give us this belief that we give us this, this belief that we're not alone, that we have partners, and you also have to have a place where you can take the backpack off that emotional backpack.
Speaker 1:
You have a, you have to have a place where you forget about all the stuff that you're carrying and all the what ifs and the dangers that lie ahead and kind of recharge, you know, and so our friends help, do that for us and doing fun things does that? Yep, um, let's, let's dive into a little bit about, um, couples, yeah.
Speaker 2:
So we've talked a decent amount about the individual Go ahead, yeah Well, I think just to kind of give precursor for this little section. Um, we teach this as a part of our marriage intensive. We have a whole week dedicated to turning towards one another, and really just people tend to underestimate how much of a difference you can make in your emotional connection as a married couple Purely by intentionally pouring in to this account that you have between the two of you. And so the context for this second part of this conversation would be okay.
Speaker 2:
If in our relationships, maybe you're dating, maybe you're married, if the, if the goal of our relationships is connection inside of marriage, then we have to be, we want to be doing things to build connection, and you know you don't just build connection by avoiding arguments. You don't actually build connection at all by avoiding arguments. You don't build connection by even just making sure that you're communicating every day or going on a tropical vacation a year, or you know, the way that we build strong connections with each other has a lot about what we're actually aiming at one another. What kind of energy are am I aiming at you throughout my day and my week? And there is an, there's an emotional bank account that exists. We share it. You know we're married. We have one emotional bank account when it comes to our connection and we daily make deposits and withdrawals. Some couples make way more withdrawals than they make deposits and they hate their marriage.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, it's true, and so, like we know that, that you have to have like a five to one ratio.
Speaker 2:
So you have to talk about that.
Speaker 1:
You have to have a um and this is coming from the Gottman Institute, which is, like the, the foremost um researchers on marriage and love and marriage, and they'd say that you have to have five positives to make up for one negative in a relationship, and so they they talk about like every single day. You need to be making five deposits, five positive deposits, into that emotional bank account.
Speaker 1:
And now here's what I love about this is the emotional bank account's awesome because it doesn't really cost you anything to do it, except for intentionality and some of your time. But it's not like, oh, I got to go buy this thing, I got to go buy these gifts, I got to go, and so just by being intentional, Okay, let's talk about, like, what is a deposit.
Speaker 1:
Then let's talk about like, what is a deposit then? So a deposit is like um, um affirmation. Right, if the deposit could be um encouragement, it could be appreciation. A deposit, um. A deposit is me, uh, me doing something for you that you know makes you feel loved and cared for. A deposit would be me writing a kind note and sticking it on the mirror. Yeah.
Speaker 2:
I have a great example.
Speaker 1:
Okay, go ahead.
Speaker 2:
Okay, so Jason was leading a men's fly fishing retreat this past weekend and he so you're listening to this on Wednesday. So he left almost a week ago. So it was like Thursday to a Sunday, and on the Thursday morning before he left he went and put together little tiny gift bags for the kids that they could open each night. Now I realize this is an example of like he did go out and buy a gift, but and the kids loved it, of course. But he made sure that he left me a gift too, and it was a package of coffee pods for my Nespresso machine so that my coffee in the morning when he was gone would be really easy. And that was, I mean, what it probably cost you seven bucks 11.
Speaker 2:
11 bucks to buy that. All right, they're cheaper on Amazon, just for future reference. Um yeah, that that was relatively simple and easy thing to do. But honestly, every morning when he was away I would go and I would put that little pod in my Nespresso machine and hit go and feel so cared for by him, I felt so cared for. It was kind of silly.
Speaker 1:
No, I mean that's. That's exactly the point is it's something that doesn't cost you a ton but adds a bunch of value to you, and so it's. It's really simple to um, for instance. I tell guys this all the time like hey, why don't you take a three minute break in your day, set an alarm on your phone and send a text to your wife about how you feel about her or about something intentional?
Speaker 2:
Yes.
Speaker 1:
And and add that value to relate to your relationship, because if you begin to pour in intentionally and fill up that bank account, then you have something to withdraw right. Because the problem is is that couples get to this place in their life where they're, they have to make a withdrawal and that withdrawal could be a conflict. The withdrawal can be a sick child.
Speaker 1:
And if you haven't put in the time and effort and energy to add those deposits into the bank account, then you, then you're trying to withdraw and you're at zero. And so now you're frustrated, right, Now it's you're angry. Now it's like um, like remember when the kids were, were really young, and they're pulling on you all the time and you're all touched out.
Speaker 1:
And then I want to come home and touch you and hug on you and you're all touched out. Yeah, and then I want to come home and touch you and hug on you and you're just, there's nothing left.
Speaker 2:
Right.
Speaker 1:
That's what happens emotionally when we have nothing in the bank with one another and we end up in this spot where, oh, now we need to make a withdrawal and there's nothing left to give. It's frustrating.
Speaker 2:
It is.
Speaker 1:
It's how long are we going to do this for?
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 1:
It's. I don't think I can keep going because it everything just feels depleting.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, and back to the concept of you can't wait until you have a need to meet the need. That's even more important in marriage, because you know, if you have kids or work or whatever, there's things in people that demand of you all day long, and your spouse isn't probably the one that's making all the daily demands all day, every day. The kids are way more demanding than you are.
Speaker 2:
But if we're disconnected, it costs so much more than if I figure out a way for the kids to be taken care of for a second so that we can actually have meaningful connection.
Speaker 2:
So I just really think that in marriage specifically, it's even more important to plan ahead and be, proactive and carve out the timer, figure out what, what you're going to do ahead of time, you know, to actually build connection between you, a shared experience or a date or an adventure of some kind, something to actually like spark some sort of connection. But then, even thinking through, what deposits am I making personally into the account of our relationship? I have to think ahead about that sometimes. I mean, like you did before you left town, you thought ahead about that and in my day, I know, our best days are the days where I actually keep you in mind, even when I'm doing whatever else is on my plate to do.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, when I get a text from you that says, hey, I'm thinking about you, I love you, or I'm so thankful for you, or, um, when you come up and hug me, uh, like, for me it's the feeling respected, it's feeling that uh, physical connection, um appreciation. And I also know, like for you it's a tiny bit different. You're not like hey, the physical touch isn't as big, but it would be that that feeling seen, feeling known, feeling understood feeling heard.
Speaker 1:
For you is in in for most women, right Cause that's your. Your biggest needs are in that feeling known, feeling seen, feeling safe. And for me it's that respect, it's the appreciation. And that physical touch is massive.
Speaker 1:
So, you know, the key to all this is honestly to be intentional about. It is to take some time and in a day and be intentional to go. How can I make my spouse feel super cared for? How can I make them know that I appreciate them? How can I sow in intentionally? How do we as a couple build the biggest, fattest emotional bank account so that we have extra to give and to pull from?
Speaker 2:
So that's the challenge for everyone.
Speaker 1:
And if you're just starting out again. I recommend that that people set alarms in their phone to get used to doing that and um, and then also let me just say this one last thing is you can't wait to feel connected in order to do this type of stuff, because a lot of people are starting from zero and there's a lot of resentment that they're still working through and there's a lot of frustration, and so they don't want to sew in and pour into the relationship because they think, if they do that, that their, their partner, won't come back and like clean up their mess or you know, won't.
Speaker 1:
won't, won't come back and like clean up their mess or won't give back. But the truth is is that if you don't start sewing in to your emotional bank account right now, you won't have the effort and energy to have the big conversations that you need to have.
Speaker 2:
Yep, that's true, well awesome guys.
Speaker 1:
Thank you so much for listening this week. Hopefully, you enjoyed this week's episode Once again. If you like it, go ahead and like and subscribe. Share it with a friend. Otherwise we will see you next week.