In this enlightening episode, the Vallottons peel back the layers on the complex art of motherhood, equipping you with five transformative strategies that promise to shift your perspective and nurture your soul. In short:
Take care of yourself first!
Build a support network!
Prioritize your marriage over your children!
Watch out for over-responsibility and shame!
Plan for success!
From the imperative of self-care, likened to the crucial oxygen masks on airplanes, to the power of a robust support network, the Vallottons guide you through the essentials that will not only help you flourish as a mother but also teach your children the vital importance of self-respect and personal well-being.
As glasses are raised to Mother's Day, the Vallottons also shine a light on the often-overlooked cornerstone of a happy family life: your marriage. Witness as they unravel the reasons why placing your partnership before parenting isn't just good for you and your spouse, but it's the foundation for a stable, loving environment for your children.
Alongside heartfelt wisdom and anecdotes, they explore the pitfalls of parenting from a place of over-responsibility and shame, and offer a peaceful, faith-centered paradigm to replace the fear and comparison that can so easily infiltrate our lives.
Join the Vallottons for a journey into the heart of motherhood, where joy and balance are not just possible—they're within reach.
In this enlightening episode, the Vallottons peel back the layers on the complex art of motherhood, equipping you with five transformative strategies that promise to shift your perspective and nurture your soul. In short:
Take care of yourself first!
Build a support network!
Prioritize your marriage over your children!
Watch out for over-responsibility and shame!
Plan for success!
From the imperative of self-care, likened to the crucial oxygen masks on airplanes, to the power of a robust support network, the Vallottons guide you through the essentials that will not only help you flourish as a mother but also teach your children the vital importance of self-respect and personal well-being.
As glasses are raised to Mother's Day, the Vallottons also shine a light on the often-overlooked cornerstone of a happy family life: your marriage. Witness as they unravel the reasons why placing your partnership before parenting isn't just good for you and your spouse, but it's the foundation for a stable, loving environment for your children.
Alongside heartfelt wisdom and anecdotes, they explore the pitfalls of parenting from a place of over-responsibility and shame, and offer a peaceful, faith-centered paradigm to replace the fear and comparison that can so easily infiltrate our lives.
Join the Vallottons for a journey into the heart of motherhood, where joy and balance are not just possible—they're within reach.
I'm just wondering if we should do something else for 20 minutes, because this is good content I hate to like.
Speaker 2:
I mean, I think we can do it in 20 minutes. Okay, welcome back everyone to Dates, mates and Babies with the Valetins. This is a beautiful day but, to be honest with you, we're having to record this for the second time.
Speaker 1:
Oh, it stinks when you record something and it doesn't record. So it's okay, we're going to do this even better the second time around. So it's okay, we're going to do this even better the second time around Today, in honor of Mother's Day having just passed.
Speaker 2:
We are going to give you moms five keys to help moms win. Yeah, we love moms so much and honestly, I think that we don't spend enough time talking about how to help moms grow and improve their life. And the first one is wildly important it's take care of yourself first.
Speaker 1:
First, before anybody else.
Speaker 2:
The truth is, oftentimes what we see is moms running on E food, water, emotional health. Moms are feeding the kids, waking up water, emotional health. Moms are feeding the kids, waking up, feeding the kids first, haven't even drank at all, just running and going and um, it's the same with emotional health. You know, moms are are really working so hard to take care of the kids and, at the same time, not to not working super hard on themselves, because we often have this idea that, man, I have so much to do, I don't have time to stop.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:
And the truth is is is that if you don't take care of yourself, moms, if you don't stop and actually go? Okay, there's a commandment in the Bible that says that I need to love my neighbor as I love myself, that I need to prioritize taking care of my own mental, spiritual, physical, emotional needs. I won't have anything to give out of if. I don't actually take care of myself.
Speaker 1:
There's a reason they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first. If you're an airplane flying with kids, right. You're no use to your kids If you're not breathing, if you're not eating, drinking, sleeping if you don't have. Jason says that there's a capacity that you either have or you don't have.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, well, what happens is we all have a capacity, but our capacity gets sucked down to zero if we don't fill it up, right?
Speaker 1:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
And so like if you're not pouring into your emotional health then your capacity is getting low. If you're not pouring into your physical health, then your capacity is getting low. If you're not pouring into your physical health, then your capacity is getting less and less and less.
Speaker 1:
Right. I think this is huge, and we talk about the concept of having needs right, like body, soul and spirit needs. Our physical needs are important to me, we've talked about that. But moms, we have to get good at depending on your personality, how you're wired, what season of life you're in. We actually need to be able to make an honest assessment of our our, our needs and then actually work to make sure that those needs are being taken care of. I had this massive realization about a month and a half ago when I was talking to a friend. She said, lauren, your kids are going to learn to respect you as they watch you respect you.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, that's right.
Speaker 1:
And I've had to make some adjustments and I need my kids to see that they're actually going to do a good job at managing themselves. When they watch me manage me and how I respect myself in our home is really important in training our kids up.
Speaker 2:
It's true. Number two is to build a support network.
Speaker 1:
I this is really important.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I think this is so important. Um, we know, like I was just looking at some Barna research the other day and it talks about people in discipleship and it actually looks at seven satisfaction and productivity and happiness in life when you're in discipleship. And we just cannot say enough about having a support group, a support network that is pouring into you. Because here's the thing, like if you have a network of friends that are pouring into you, you get their wisdom, you get their input, you get their, their company, you get their help. And I just remember like, uh, last year in March, we had a thousand dollars left in the bank. I was on the way to Taiwan where I was doing one of those crazy speak 15 times in five days.
Speaker 2:
Juan, I was doing one of those crazy speak 15 times in five days and you were back home with the kiddos sick, you weren't feeling good. And I remember you calling me and saying we have a thousand dollars in the bank and I'm not feeling good. And I was like, oh my gosh, we're out, we're like on empty in so many areas. And I remember just reaching out to my friends and going like, guys, this is where I'm at. And literally they were hey, if you need money, I'm there, if your kids need help, I'm there. And I was like I need help getting out of this spot financially, not by you loaning me money, but learning how to grow yeah and our friend group has literally come in and helped us so much yeah in these areas.
Speaker 2:
But building and prioritizing a friend group is massive. You've done it so well, babe, in in your life over the last what 11 years.
Speaker 1:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
And it's been a game changer.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, absolutely yeah.
Speaker 1:
I remember having Edie um and I read this book called the fourth trimester and it's a book about just that season of postpartum for moms, and something that I read just stuck out to me so much.
Speaker 1:
I read about how in a lot of Eastern cultures and more tribal cultures, oftentimes there's what's called a laying in period, where moms with their newborn babies will actually move out of their homes, away from their spouse and their other children, and move in with a woman in their extended family, whether it's their own mother or an aunt, and they spend an extended period of time getting well, physically bonding with their child and being taken care of. And my word when I think about God's design for family and you know, in the past, in past generations, multiple generations would live with each other and help each other and take care of each other. And my gosh, if that I mean, that's not how much of the Western world lives these days. But wow, that's a key to success in raising children and being a mother is actually having a support network around you. So we're going to have to get really good and intentional about building that network for ourselves If we're not already living in and amongst our extended family and close friends. We really have to make that an effort.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, it's true. Um number three is one that you love so much and. I'll say it, and then you can talk about it Prioritizing your marriage over your children.
Speaker 1:
Yes, this is so important. Here's what I see all too often is um, you know, people get married and they love each other. They're in a covenant, committed marriage. Maybe a couple of years in they're not like super satisfied with how they do communication or conflict resolution. There's some little things that really bug them. But you know they're committed and they're going to stick it out. Then they get pregnant, they have a baby and with a new baby comes an incredible amount of responsibility and pressure.
Speaker 1:
And what happens for this mom is that she bonds with this little child unlike any bonding she's ever done before.
Speaker 1:
It's a physical, physiological, neurological bond that's taking place. She's breastfeeding that baby, she's meeting that baby's every needs, and then she has another child and another child and a couple of years down the road she is like king of the castle, queen of the castle, rather, and she's got all these kids and she would die for them. But then she looks over at her husband and she starts feeling lonely in parenthood and resentful towards her husband and she's not feeling known or seen or cherished by him and she doesn't have the bond with her husband like she has with these kids. And I want to say that that is a trend, a normal that we've got to work really hard to get away from. It is so important that, as moms, we actually, if we're in marriages like that, we push pause on everything and reevaluate and reorganize and reorient so that our best energy is aimed at prioritizing building a strong, covenant marriage, because in that context, kids will actually get what they need from their partnership of parents.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, when mom and dad are connected, they are a force working together in sync, in unison, to accomplish the task at hand. When mom and dad aren't connected, they're often working against each other and it makes everything else out of rhythm and out of sync and painful, honestly. And so you'd written something down that I really like. You said a sucky marriage is. Oh sorry, kids are a bad excuse to have a sucky marriage.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, and it's true, like we are all so busy, everyone's so busy that has kids, and I get that. I mean, we have five kids. Life is busy, but you have to prioritize pouring your effort and energy into the thing that's going to bring you the most amount of life and help. And so, man, if you're, if your marriage isn't good, then before you jump into a parenting course, jump into a marriage course. If your marriage isn't good, then jump into counseling and you may go oh, my husband won't do marriage counseling, well, you can. Or my wife won't do counseling. It's like, yeah, well, your best chance at solving this issue is for you to jump in then and you to learn healthy boundaries, and you to learn how to communicate your needs and you to set some boundaries with your spouse and make sure that, uh, that you're not just letting your marriage do whatever and putting all of your energy into your kids.
Speaker 1:
That's a really bad strategy, bad plan, and you will not feel like you have a teammate.
Speaker 2:
It's true.
Speaker 1:
Unless you change that strategy. Okay, Number four is watch out for over-responsibility and shame. Oh man, Can I just say for just really quick. All of these five points, all these keys to help moms win like I am working hard to implement all of these myself.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, it's true. You know, moms have this thing. It's this should, you should, I should. The kids should I should be doing this better. I remember, babe, when we were first married. Just the shoulds, you were drowning in the shoulds. And it's, you know, my kids, they shouldn't talk like that, and it should be better and we should know what we're doing.
Speaker 2:
And moms carry so much responsibility and therefore, and even a responsibility for how their kids act and how everything looks and how much energy you have, and some of that you can and can't control, but when we, when we start to parent, out of shame and out of shoulds.
Speaker 2:
what happens is you get really controlling and angry and resentful and then it ends up in in. You know no one's happy that the house isn't thriving, because what's really happening is you feel so much shame and you feel out of control that you don't, you're not actually enjoying your life. And so, going back to man, jesus couldn't even keep his disciples from betraying him. Like a third of the, a third of the angels fell out of heaven. And we can't control our kids into perfect behavior. That's not the goal and we can't. Uh, should our kids into a perfect life? Like that's not going to happen. Yeah, moms have to quit overworking and being over responsible so that they can actually do what they're supposed to do and thrive to do.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, ultimately, we just want to make sure that what we're doing as moms isn't rooted in fear and I think you know mom guilt robs us of our joy and it is rooted in fear. And one of the things that I just want to say, like I think being a mother in 2024, where in this digital age, you can get like a tinted window into everybody else's life and everybody else's mothering journey it can be really hard, and I think that we're looking like all moms want to do a good job. We all want to do a good job raising our kids, and so if culture has a louder voice, if the comparison or the looking in on other people's lives or whatever whatever culture is telling us, if that has a louder voice than the word of God in our life, the voice of God in our life, our peace levels that we're carrying, then we're in big trouble, because if anything besides the standard that God has set for us becomes the standard in our parenting, then we are going to be parenting out of fear, no question.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, it's real.
Speaker 1:
We got to be vigilant over the last one is to plan for success. Yes.
Speaker 2:
You know John Maxwell says that people, people don't plan to fail, they fail the plan.
Speaker 1:
And.
Speaker 2:
I often think the difference between a chaotic life and a busy life is people who run a busy life, who stay out of chaos. They have a plan, they're planning their life, and when you plan your life, you may do the same exact things as what you would do if you have a busy life, except for you have power and control of when it happens and where it happens and how it happens. And so you know, planning that morning routine, waking up and knowing what your morning routine is can be massive. Planning out meals for moms is can be a big thing. Planning out your week, knowing what what's coming up in the months coming up in the months, not letting big things just jump on you and run your life and run your time.
Speaker 2:
And I see so many people. Their lives feel chaotic not because of how much they're doing, because of how much is happening to them. And that's a really big difference, because if you strategize your life and you plan it out, you can do more than what somebody who isn't planning but it's just happening to them because they're not prepared. They're not prepared for almost anything.
Speaker 2:
And there are things in our life that happen every single day. Dinner happens every day, lunch happens every day, morning routines happen every day, and so, yes, you can't plan for everything, but if you plan for what you can plan for, then you'll have the bandwidth to do the things that you can't plan for.
Speaker 1:
Yep, absolutely. I think that we also can get good at troubleshooting what's working and what's not working.
Speaker 1:
Sometimes, as moms, we kind of slide into the path of least resistance when we're in the throes of raising kids, and it just may or may not be working for you, and you know it's not working for you if you're anxious or overwhelmed all the time, or if you're not enjoying the motherhood assignment, or if you're feeling resentful towards your spouse. You know these kinds of things when they're the climate of our household, we have to get really powerful and make adjustments to make sure that we're creating an environment where everybody in the family can thrive you first and foremost, because they will follow you. So you know. The other thing that I like to mention is, um, regardless of personality, I think moms, we have to get really good at looking ahead and accounting for what is to come in the weeks, months and seasons ahead. So you know, there would have been a time in our marriage where September would have taken me by surprise and I would have felt mowed over by the amount of travel, the amount of activity, the amount of busy nights out of the house. But the longer we've been married, the more I've begun to kind of expect.
Speaker 1:
Okay, the fall is a really busy time for us. September tends to be packed. I can actually, you know, pre-plan what we're going to be doing. I know you have a hunting trip and it falls over the anniversary of my mom's death, so I've already organized for my two best friends to be in town visiting me over that time period and I'm I'm not going to let September happen to me this year. You know we're going to happen to September, gosh darn.
Speaker 1:
And I think that you know we can get good at looking at the weeks that my best weeks are the weeks that I plan out the week before. The most peaceful weeks are the ones where I've got, you know, a couple meal ideas and maybe I don't have it down to a tee, but I've got a few things I know in the freezer. I'm going to pull them out and we've got three options that week we're going to kind of choose from uh, every other day or whatever, and I know when I you know I've planned ahead for when I'm going to have a babysitter time, when I'm going to get a workout in what. If I can actually plan it ahead, then I actually have more margin for the unpreparable.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, it's true, and that's huge. Making sure that you plan ahead for what you can so that you have bandwidth for the things that you didn't foresee and couldn't plan Right. It's everything, yeah, so moms.
Speaker 1:
This episode was short and sweet for you because we know moms don't have time to sit there. A 45 minute episode, there's no chance. It would take me days. So hopefully this is helpful for you and we do. We want to honor you and say you're doing a great job and this is a hard. This is a hard gig.
Speaker 2:
It is but so incredibly fulfilling.
Speaker 1:
Yes.
Speaker 2:
Right, the mom role is it's. There's so much fulfillment in being a mom. Oh yeah, being a mother, being a wife.
Speaker 1:
It's. It's what we were created for. So we're in our sweet spot. We just have to make sure we're learning how to do it in a way that works for us. So enjoy these five keys to help you win moms.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, and listen. If you love them, send them to a mom that you know and that you love. Have a great week this week, y'all. Please like and subscribe to our podcast. Leave a comment. That helps us so much. Otherwise we will see you next week on Dates, mates and Babies with the Ballotons. Bye.