After a two-week vacation, the Vallottons are back with an insightful episode on what to do in marriage emergencies. In this episode of Dates, Mates, and Babies, they dive deep into what truly constitutes an "emergency" in a marriage relationship. Whether it's the utterance of "I'm done" from one or both partners, the toxic presence of the Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), or severe issues like infidelity and addiction, they explore the signs and solutions. If you're feeling the weight of unresolved conflicts, avoiding emotional and physical connection, or dealing with major mistrust, this episode is for you.
Key Points:
Identifying an Emergency:
One or both partners saying, “I’m done.”
Presence of the Four Horsemen: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Unresolved conflicts leading to bitterness and hopelessness.
Avoiding emotional and physical connection.
Infidelity and addiction.
Major mistrust.
Steps to Take During a Relationship Emergency:
Don't Try to Solve It Alone:
Reach out to a counselor.
Seek support from friends.
Trust someone more than yourself.
Developing a Real Plan:
Emergencies require real plans and a willingness to adhere to them.
Avoid making plans without accountability. Who’s on your team?
Ensure your plans are SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound), not fluid or subjective.
Establishing Boundaries:
Understand what boundaries look like in marriage and how they are not “controlling.”
Discuss when separation might be appropriate and helpful.
Communicating with Your Kids:
What to tell your kids and when to share it.
Common Mistakes Couples Make:
Trying to fix a marriage when they’re really burned out.
Unwillingness to take ownership of their part.
Reluctance to try again after previous efforts have failed.
Takeaways:
Understanding what constitutes a relationship emergency is crucial for timely intervention.
Seeking external help and creating accountable, structured plans are vital steps.
Setting and respecting boundaries can prevent further damage and facilitate healing.
Communicating appropriately with children can mitigate their emotional burden.
Avoiding common pitfalls can pave the way for more effective solutions and renewed efforts in saving the relationship.
Tune in to gain insights and practical advice on navigating these challenging times in your relationship. Don't miss out on expert guidance and supportive strategies to help you through your relationship emergencies.
After a two-week vacation, the Vallottons are back with an insightful episode on what to do in marriage emergencies. In this episode of Dates, Mates, and Babies, they dive deep into what truly constitutes an "emergency" in a marriage relationship. Whether it's the utterance of "I'm done" from one or both partners, the toxic presence of the Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), or severe issues like infidelity and addiction, they explore the signs and solutions. If you're feeling the weight of unresolved conflicts, avoiding emotional and physical connection, or dealing with major mistrust, this episode is for you.
Key Points:
Identifying an Emergency:
One or both partners saying, “I’m done.”
Presence of the Four Horsemen: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Unresolved conflicts leading to bitterness and hopelessness.
Avoiding emotional and physical connection.
Infidelity and addiction.
Major mistrust.
Steps to Take During a Relationship Emergency:
Don't Try to Solve It Alone:
Reach out to a counselor.
Seek support from friends.
Trust someone more than yourself.
Developing a Real Plan:
Emergencies require real plans and a willingness to adhere to them.
Avoid making plans without accountability. Who’s on your team?
Ensure your plans are SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound), not fluid or subjective.
Establishing Boundaries:
Understand what boundaries look like in marriage and how they are not “controlling.”
Discuss when separation might be appropriate and helpful.
Communicating with Your Kids:
What to tell your kids and when to share it.
Common Mistakes Couples Make:
Trying to fix a marriage when they’re really burned out.
Unwillingness to take ownership of their part.
Reluctance to try again after previous efforts have failed.
Takeaways:
Understanding what constitutes a relationship emergency is crucial for timely intervention.
Seeking external help and creating accountable, structured plans are vital steps.
Setting and respecting boundaries can prevent further damage and facilitate healing.
Communicating appropriately with children can mitigate their emotional burden.
Avoiding common pitfalls can pave the way for more effective solutions and renewed efforts in saving the relationship.
Tune in to gain insights and practical advice on navigating these challenging times in your relationship. Don't miss out on expert guidance and supportive strategies to help you through your relationship emergencies.
We're the valetins and we are passionate about people.
Speaker 1:
Every human was created for fulfilling relational connection but that's not always what comes easiest. We know this because of our wide range of personal experience, as well as our years of working with people.
Speaker 2:
So we're going to crack open topics like dating, marriage, family and parenting to encourage entertain and equip you for a deeply fulfilling life of relational health.
Speaker 1:
All right, guys. We have taken a two-week vacation, which we needed so bad, but now we are back. We hope that you enjoy episode 75. Welcome back everyone to Dates, mates and Babies with the Valetins. We're ready to go this morning happy summer everybody yeah, golly, we've been a loving summer. Back to uh lake nights with the friends, lots of pool nights. Hopefully you guys are enjoying yours too yeah, absolutely we.
Speaker 2:
we're excited to be with you guys, as always. We going to have kind of a serious conversation today, actually, but you know what? That's okay. That's okay. We're going to talk about what to do when your marriage is in an emergency. And here's the thing is our anniversary was June 4th. We celebrated 13 years of marriage. And here's the thing In over a decade of marriage, you know, you learn, this is not easy. Marriage is not an easy thing to do. It's simple often, but not necessarily easy. And, um, you know, I wish I could say that it was a rarity to find marriages around us that were in emergencies, but it's not rare.
Speaker 1:
No.
Speaker 2:
It's actually quite common. Even people who love each other deeply and love God and had all the best intentions of having a thriving marriage, they find themselves in however, many years deep, and life throws all kinds of curveballs. And I'm telling you what marriage has the tendency to push the best and the worst out of you. It's a bit of a pressure cooker in that way, and so I think it's a really valid question for people what do you do when your marriage is in an emergency? And we want to give a little time to that today.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, that's great. Um should we define what is an emergency?
Speaker 2:
Yes, so yeah, I would say emergencies in marriage or anything from. You know, one or both people say I'm done. Obviously that's a pretty fat emergency situation. We've done an episode on the four horsemen of conflict before.
Speaker 1:
Can I say something about that? Yeah, Can I say something about that? Yeah, If you're married and you haven't listened to that episode the Four Horsemen you should go back and listen to that episode. Yeah.
Speaker 2:
Because it's a game changer for married couples. It's about the culture of conflict in your marriage. So if you have criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling as the normal for your culture in conflict, that's an emergency. Um unresolved conflict that leads to bitterness and hopelessness.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, I see a lot of couples uh years of buildup and conflict um gone bad. So years of buildup and resentment often leads to a break.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, yeah, uh, if you're finding that you guys are avoiding emotional or physical connection at all, that's, that's, you know, for an extended period of time. We're not talking about, like the one-off day where you guys had it out last night and you don't want to see each other the next morning.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, that's you know. But but when it's become the normal culture of your marriage to avoid emotional and physical connection, that's emergency mode, yeah. And then, of course, infidelity, addiction or like a major mistrust issue, those would all be in the category of marriage emergencies, yeah.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, I would agree with that.
Speaker 2:
So if you find yourself, babe, like if couples are finding themselves in one of these emergencies, what do you do?
Speaker 1:
themselves in one of these emergencies. What do you do, so?
Speaker 1:
trying to solve it yourself to me is like the biggest mistake that you can make, because if you could have fixed it, you already would have fixed it more than likely. And often these things that we come up against that are like a real emergency is. It takes so it takes a real plan. It takes so much effort and energy and strategy to solve it that you just probably can't do it on your own. It's like think about an emergency, um, think about like a medical emergency, like when you have a medical emergency you don't try to solve that on your, on your own. Right.
Speaker 1:
You're like at the doctor's office getting help.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, you know you seek a professional. Yeah, when you have a dental emergency. You don't solve it on your own or you end up being not, unless you're living in the 1800s, in which case or like Tom Hanks on the island.
Speaker 1:
What show is that?
Speaker 2:
Right, I don't know yeah.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, you end up like that, talking to Wilson and exactly knocking a tooth out Right, but to me, like real emergencies require some real professional help and guidance, and so that's the first step. To me is is making sure that that you have someone in your corner that you trust in your corner, that you trust so that to me can be a counselor right the transformation center is a great place for that that can be a friend. Now here's the thing If you just reach out to a friend but your friend doesn't have great skills, like really good skills, they're going to be a real help emotionally for you and mentally, but they're probably not going to help solve your problem.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, and I would say too, if you just have a friend in your court like you actually want somebody that can see all sides of the story and if you choose a friend as your main source of help, the chances that that person can be really objective and help, you both take a lot of ownership. I don't know. I feel like if you're in a straight up emergency, you seek professional help Like you don't go to your best friend.
Speaker 1:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
That's my opinion.
Speaker 1:
Yeah I, but I do think that you have to have that, that friend group around you helping you.
Speaker 2:
Oh, a hundred percent.
Speaker 1:
I think you have to open up to your friends, but yeah, Then to me, like I put this, this bullet point down, because you have to trust somebody more than you trust yourself and oftentimes when we get into like real emergencies, especially in our marriage, we tend to not trust people anymore. And and we don't yeah, we don't want to. Uh, we were so. We're so self-protecting and the person or the people who are supposed to love us and help us the most are often the main source of pain. Yeah.
Speaker 1:
And so it's easy to like push people away and start to make all of your own decisions. You have to realize that you're often in like the survival mode.
Speaker 1:
So the fight or flight or freeze, and therefore, therefore, you're not thinking clear, you're thinking in protection mode or fight mode, and that's going to lead you to safety, and safety also often leads you to disconnection, yeah, in marriage. So, like, connection often leads you to confrontation in marriage, but safety in marriage leads you to disconnection. Does that make sense? Yeah, and so it's like the very thing that you really need to do is the thing that you're most afraid of, and so really learning to trust somebody beside yourself.
Speaker 1:
I can't tell you how many times in my office people have been in a ton of pain. Their marriage sucks, it feels like it's going downhill and I'm telling them like, hey, here's the things that you guys need to do, and they're like I don't know that I can do that. I'm like, well, I know where you're going to be if you don't do that Right, you're going to be where you're at, but you can only do this for so long.
Speaker 1:
So they have to learn to trust somebody else besides themselves, and that's often the counselor, that's often um the pastor, the therapist, yeah, yeah, so absolutely, that's. The next step to me is is who are you going to trust and what are you going to do?
Speaker 2:
Yeah, so not trying to solve the problem on your own? First huge key in what to do if you're in an emergency, the. The next thing I think, which you've already referred to, is emergencies require real plans and a willingness to stick to the plan. So you know you can't, in an actual emergency, you can't be making your own plans with no accountability. So who's on your team, which we've covered?
Speaker 1:
Yeah, I just like when I think through, we had Ben and Heather on the podcast, so it feels like fair game to talk about them. Yeah, you know when? When Ben fell years ago.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, 15 years ago yeah.
Speaker 1:
The first thing that happened was we went okay, what's the plan? How do we actually give you a real plan to solve this? Which let me just say you can't have a real plan if you haven't got to the root of the issue.
Speaker 2:
A hundred percent.
Speaker 1:
And a lot of people come up with plans because they want to feel like they have a direction, but they haven't actually figured out the root yet. Yeah, and so finding the root issue in in a marriage is as important as finding the root issue of an illness or an injury because what you misdiagnose, what you misdiagnose, you mistreat every single time, and so it can be a tiny bit complicated.
Speaker 1:
Well, I would say that's just the first challenge, right? Like, and here's the important thing for me is, if both couples can't repeat back how they got here, what's actually happening, what's the cycle that keeps us going on, what each person's part in it is, then you haven't. You haven't done a good enough job to give them a plan yet. Totally, because, like when a couple sitting across from me and like Ben, for instance if we go back to that story, ben was a Ben had a an emotional and physical affair and he was able to go. Here's what actually happened. It's years of. It's not that I stayed up too late with a person that I shouldn't have stayed up too late with Like obviously that's dumb, but how did you get there?
Speaker 1:
Yeah, it's years of being independent. It's years of not get there. Yeah, it's years of being independent.
Speaker 2:
It's years of not trusting people it's years of hiding right in and then heather had a part to play, not not in the sense that she caused that, but just in the marriage, like their dynamic was a dynamic of two yeah, yeah, and it most often is so yeah that whole story the way you guys can find on episode 47. It was an awesome interview with the Armstrongs.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, so I think once a couple can actually really understand this is our dynamic, this is the culture. This is what's happening, then, to me, you can start to troubleshoot. Okay, now what are we going to do different? What are the small skill sets that you need to start to unwind this? Yeah.
Speaker 1:
And it really look, looks, like you should have a smart, some type of smart plan, right? Some type of plan that includes some real steps. Yeah, and, and you know that when my feet hit the ground this morning, this is what I'm going to be doing.
Speaker 2:
I think that's huge and you know I'm thinking about how the worst I think the worst thing that we can do when we're in an emergency I'm thinking of like a medical emergency, like you said I mean, if you're in a, if you have a trauma wound and you go to the hospital, the first thing the doctor does is going to be stop the bleeding wound and you go to the hospital, the first thing the doctor does is going to be stop the bleeding.
Speaker 2:
There's somebody that's going to need to find the site of the wound, stop the bleeding, and then, after the trauma situation has, you know, been attended to. Then you go about figuring out, you know, is there some sort of you know, systemic problem that has caused an issue? And we're going to get to the root of it. And we are not usually the best at self-diagnosing because when we're in trauma, so even just brain chemistry wise, when we're in trauma or emotions are high, we are not in our thinking brain, we're in our brainstem and we're making decisions out of pure, almost instinct. So that's where the fight, flight, freeze comes from. So it's proof that I mean it's proof that we actually really do need third party help in trauma.
Speaker 2:
So, emergency mode equals third party help every single time. From there, when people are on their own, I think, because in trauma everything's overwhelming and you're actually not able to be very creative, you're not able to be very strategic. I watch people make dumb plans. Their plans sound something like well, you know, like we've hit the bottom of the barrel and so we're just going to. We're really, we're really mean it. We really mean it this time, we really mean it this time. We're just going to do better. We're going to do better Like we have to. We have to do it for our kids, we have to.
Speaker 2:
And I'm like what does that mean to you? How do you know you're going to do better? What does it mean to do better? How do you measure? Do better Like. You can't just do better If your entire culture is producing these results over here. You don't change a culture overnight. You actually have to have a plan. So the same way that you would say if somebody has a major goal, okay, how do you know you're going to hit that goal? Well, you're not just going to like aim around, you know, aim at nothing until maybe accidentally, one day you hit it. You have to make a plan. So this I really do think like a smart goal. You know it has to be specific, it has to be measurable, it has to be realistically attainable, it has to be time bound. How do you know you're moving in the direction of health? How do you know that you're moving in the direction of hitting a goal? And again, in trauma, we don't make those plans. Well, for ourselves.
Speaker 1:
You know their marriage is in trouble and facing it feels overwhelming and so we just try to avoid it and do the same thing, but it doesn't really work. You know you have to. You have to be able to have a real plan and stick with that plan, and in the event that your partner's unwilling to stick with a plan, you have to set some real boundaries, right, Like you and have needs.
Speaker 1:
You have to know what you're going to do Because if you and I, if you're, if you're yours, if our relationship wasn't going well because I was unwilling to stop looking at pornography, yeah, you have to be, you have to be able to, in love, go like, hey, this is what I'm gonna do yeah, so let okay.
Speaker 2:
So let's just use that as an example, because I think examples are really important. Let's use that one. So let's say, I discovered not that long ago that my husband had a long-term addiction to pornography, and he agrees it's a problem. I, I agree it's a problem. We're in an emergency, we seek outside help. We really, you know, he's working to get to the root of the issue for him. I'm working on finding how to take ownership for the culture of our marriage, not for his pornography problem, but for the culture of our marriage. And we have, you know, a counselor or a pastor that's helping us make a really great plan forward, and you know the counselor or a pastor that's helping us make a really great plan forward.
Speaker 2:
And, you know, the rubber meets the road and it gets hard and all of a sudden Jason goes off the rails a little bit and has another slip up. And we're just two weeks into this emergency cleanup mode and he's overwhelmed and so he kind of throws in the towel and says you know what? Actually, forget about it. I don't think that counselor knows what he's talking about. I don't feel like that's going to work, because it hasn't worked in the past. You know what? What are? What are you going to do about it? You know I'm not doing anything wrong. You don't want to have sex with him. You know, there's this, this whole flare up that happens and I go okay, I'm in my. I'm in this position where there's a huge problem we're bleeding out and my spouse doesn't actually want to stick to the plan that we've agreed to. What do I do?
Speaker 2:
Yeah, You're going to have to what do boundaries look like in that situation?
Speaker 1:
Boundaries can look anything from um. I feel super sad I can't solve this issue for you, but I'm actually in pain and I don't really trust you right now, and so I don't know that I can open up and continue to get hurt while you're unwilling to follow a plan and solve it. So that can look like um. It can look anything from uh like, let me know when you're, when you're, ready to really work on it and I'll be happy. You know, like I'm um in my mind right now. I'm being really careful to not give permission to people to just leave, cause sometimes people use boundaries.
Speaker 1:
So let me just preface this and it will help me a lot. Sometimes people use boundaries as a way out and as a way to create distance with people, and it's not that boundaries don't create distance. It's that the heart of boundaries is to get chaos out of your life and to protect connection and love, right, right and so what?
Speaker 1:
what I'm trying to do is, if I had a porn problem that I was unwilling to work on, you're going hey me being introduced and allowing this pornography problem to be in our marriage unattended to it's so damaging to me. Yeah, I'm no longer going to be a part of it. So that could be you saying you know you're going to need to go find a place to stay until you get a real plan. I'm not going to be a part of this.
Speaker 1:
Or it could be you going it depends on how much it affects you and it could be you saying hey, I don't actually want to be intimate right now. It's too much for my heart, like it's actually too painful for my heart. Some women aren't going to have that experience. They're going to go.
Speaker 1:
no, I actually, I really I love you, I believe in you. Um, you know that it's so, it's so individual to to the person and and and actually the posture. So if I was, I guess, if the posture was a little bit different for me, like cause, I meet a lot of men and women on their journey out of addiction. Let me just this is a longer conversation, but I think it's helpful. Okay.
Speaker 1:
And this one is when you're on your way out of addiction. To expect there to be no zero relapse whatsoever can be very hard, and I'm not also not giving permission for people to relapse. Yeah, I'm just saying that it can be very, very challenging.
Speaker 2:
It's often not a one and done deal.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, To expect zero. What we're really looking for is ownership and the ability and willingness to follow the plan, stick to it and to take ownership and to troubleshoot when things don't go right. And if you're able to do that, for any of us, I mean you're, you were really controlling for a lot of years when you got afraid, babe and relationship and for me, I broke a lot of trust in our relationship, saying I'm going to be home at this time and not actually coming home on time and it's like, okay, yeah, I'm. I am so much better today than I was 10 years ago. Yeah.
Speaker 1:
I'm so much more trustworthy. Sometimes I still make that mistake and I'm not talking about infidelity or whatever, but boundaries. Boundaries are something that we have to get really good at really good at using being able to communicate our needs and our boundaries and then sticking to them through a place of love and and care. Protect your connection in your relationship by setting healthy boundaries.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I would add that you know where we begin when we have to start setting boundaries with our spouse. We begin when we have to start setting boundaries with our spouse. Again, like Jason said, a lot of people use boundaries as a way to create distance, which ultimately, sometimes distance is needed. But the best way to the best place to begin with boundaries is by letting somebody know what they can expect from you, not what you are requiring of them. So that's when people start to feel really controlled.
Speaker 2:
So if, if Jason is battling an addiction and I tell him hey, I don't feel safe with you until you go and get your, get in counseling and until you have six months of no slip ups, I don't even want to talk about having any sort of intimate connection. So I mean that might, that's not an unfair boundary, but you run the risk of your spouse feeling pretty controlled because you've just made their decision for them or you've tried to make their decision for them about what getting help looks like. A better way to approach that dynamic is to go hey, I feel really unsafe until I feel safe in our dynamic and safe means, until I trust you in this area. Here's what you can expect from me. I'm going to be in weekly counseling. I'm going to make sure that I'm figuring out what my needs are. I'm going to make sure that I'm figuring out what my needs are.
Speaker 2:
I'm going to make sure that when I come home from work at night, I'm attending to the needs that I have. I'm going to get a workout in. You can expect me to get a workout in every night. I know I need that for my mental health. Um, I'm having trouble trusting, so I'm going to be talking to my counselor about how to rebuild trust with you.
Speaker 2:
I don't know where to start, but here's what you can expect from me, and I think you know, as if the stakes get higher and your partner is unwilling to meet you in those places and rebuild trust, then maybe it's. Hey, I actually feel super unsafe. I don't like the kids being around this dynamic. We're going to go and actually stay with my mom for a little bit.
Speaker 1:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
You know those are some. Those are, I guess, work hard to make sure that the boundary is about what you're going to do.
Speaker 1:
Well, you can also have needs, right? So hey, um, you're like, for instance, if, if, if somebody was um belligerent in front of the kids or in front of you, it's okay to say hey, I'm not going to tolerate this behavior anymore.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, we're not doing that here.
Speaker 1:
No, we're not doing that. So if you want to live that way, you need to go live somewhere else.
Speaker 2:
Yes, if you want to do that, you can do it elsewhere. You can't do it here, can't do it here. Here's what we're going to do here.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, and so that can be. I mean, it probably would be helpful for us to talk a little bit just for a second about when separation is helpful and when separation isn't helpful. Yeah, and so you know, I think once, once couples separate, um, I think if couples separate for the right reasons, it can be very, very helpful. And then, uh, if couples separate for the right reasons, it can be very, very helpful, and then if couples separate for the wrong reasons, it's often a death sentence.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, and so if both people's goal is connection and that really is the goal right, that's genuinely in their heart. Like man, but my again, my addiction, my inability to manage myself, my inability to protect my family, at this moment it's causing so much pain. Then it can actually be really helpful to say, hey, I'm going to sleep somewhere else. Yeah. And I'm going to work on this. Yeah.
Speaker 1:
And I'm going to work on this and I'm going to have accountability partners and I'm going to go through this journey while still being a contributor to the family. I can even still eat dinner with the family. Oftentimes I can still participate in picking the kids up from school. I can right I'm in their life, just me being home around the triggers, or or you have to see me every day and you're in a ton of pain. You're trying to heal and you're in a ton of pain. Yeah. You need some of that separation. Yeah.
Speaker 1:
A separation can be really helpful with a good plan to go With a plan. That's the thing, yeah To say, hey, we're going to you know, you're going to meet with the counselor to talk through this stuff, and then we'll start to do some counseling together and then we'll talk about what, what getting back together really looks like and start with dating, or whatever. But I think I see I often see couples get a separation um without any type of plan and any type of conversation around what you're really protecting and it can.
Speaker 2:
it often leads to you know major disconnection, yeah, a ton of disconnection Cause there's no plan in there. Yeah absolutely Okay. So when there's kids involved and you're, you're finding your marriage in an emergency, what is what and do you? What do you? And don't you tell your kids? And when? I think that's often a question we get.
Speaker 1:
So it depends on how old the kids are, and I think when the kids start to get to the age where they know that the more they are able to interpret what's happening, the clearer that you have to be. Yeah, so what you shouldn't do is you shouldn't unpack for the kids something that that is more than what they can healthily process. So you know, when my, when my divorce was happening, I didn't tell the kids the details of what happened.
Speaker 1:
I told the kids what they needed to know. Mom wasn't going to live here anymore and you know we're all in a bunch of pain and grandma and grandpa are really going to help us and our friends are going to help us and we both love you and you're still going to go over mom's house and my house and you know it's okay to feel sad and upset and you know you can talk to whoever you want to about it.
Speaker 1:
I think that's a big mistake, so let me just repeat that that's a big mistake for kids to keep secrets. The kids need to be able to talk about who.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, we do not want to teach our kids to keep secrets.
Speaker 1:
Or mom. Well then, they need to process, and they don't process the same way that adults do. Totally, they process out on the swing set with their friend going. My mom or my dad is not home anymore. Yes. And if you're trying to keep them from doing that, man, you're just causing them tons of pain. Yeah.
Speaker 1:
So I think, age appropriate conversations. Again, the mistake I see people make is you take out your pain, your anger, your frustration of your spouse on the kids and and without even knowing it, you know dad's been such and such and such and mom's been such and such and such. Don't make the kids pick a favorite between the parents right. Because now you just put them in the middle and you gave them a responsibility. There's more than they can actually handle.
Speaker 2:
Definitely.
Speaker 1:
So it's one thing if mom's so unsafe, she's got an addiction. And even at that, if my daughter's 12 years old, I would say, hey, mom's really working through a lot of pain. She's going to get help. We're going to be praying for her. We want her to work through the stuff that's in her life and unfortunately, mom's going to have to go somewhere else right now for a while and that's really painful and really hard.
Speaker 1:
If my kids are 16, they're probably going to know about. You know the addiction Mom's mom's really struggled with alcohol for a long time and she's working through it and you know it's it's too painful for her to be here. She's got to go to outpatient care, and so we're going to be praying for her, but also I want to hear how you're doing and what you're going through and how it's affecting you.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, that's really good.
Speaker 1:
And the last thing I would say is don't process your own emotions with the kids too much. So it's okay to say mommy feels sad too when the kids feel sad. You know I feel sad about it too. But when you start going into, why would mom do this with to us? Now I'm building an unhealthy emotional bond with my kids. Yeah. They're becoming a caretaker of me. They're in a spot where we are commiserating together. Yeah. It's a very, very bad plan. Yes.
Speaker 1:
You're going to build an unhealthy codependent relationship with your kids. Yeah, and it's going to have lasting effects on them.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, one other thing that I would say, like if your kids are old enough to understand what it means if mom and dad are separated. You know, kids assume that separation is a step towards divorce and that can be very scary for kids to just internalize and think about and imagine.
Speaker 2:
And so, if it's true, a really great way to explain a separation is to say that mom and dad are working really hard at building connection. What, what? One of the things we're doing to build connection is that dad's going to sleep somewhere else, because we need to make sure that the time that we are together we're working hard building connection. It's much different than mom and dad aren't doing well, and so dad is sleeping somewhere else.
Speaker 2:
Just the implication is so different, and so we want to make sure, if at all possible, that again, the main goal in anything we do inside of our marriage is to protect our connection, and the more we can explain that to our kids, the better.
Speaker 1:
Yeah. Let's just talk through really quick a couple of common mistakes that we see couples make so that you can avoid it, and one of the biggest ones to me is is to try to fix something when you're really burned out. So I was just working with a couple recently who's really really burned out and they're great people.
Speaker 1:
Honestly, they're like some of my favorite people and I was listening to both their stories. Both their stories are valid, Both their stories. You know, they're just. They're just in a really hard spot. And then my advice to them was stop talking about the issue for a little bit and recharge. Yeah.
Speaker 1:
Like literally do what you can to recharge because they weren't actually having enough emotional energy to keep everything on track, it takes a lot of energy to do conflict well. Yeah, it does, and if all you've done for a long time is conflict, it's like time out. This isn't working.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, sure.
Speaker 1:
Go get recharged, go get filled up, fill one another up, and you can even do that, like you can say hey, listen, I know that we have some big issues to solve and I don't want to minimize that for a little bit. Can we just turn towards each other?
Speaker 1:
and not sexually, but hey, thanks so much for dinner tonight. Hey, great job with the kids, I really appreciate it. Hey, thank you for going to the store and buying stuff for us, like it means a lot. Hey, if you want to get some of your Bible reading in, I can take the kids to go do something. Hey, I really appreciate you washing the car today. That's good. I feel taken care of. Yeah.
Speaker 1:
That kind of stuff where you're turning towards one another. Yeah, that kind of stuff, where you're turning towards one another, where you're meeting each other's needs, and what you're not saying is I trust you, I don't have an issue Everything's fine. But what you are doing is allowing yourself to go. Oh, you can't always be in a conflict in a war. You don't win a war by being in it all the time.
Speaker 2:
That's right.
Speaker 1:
Forever nonstop. You've got to take a break, yeah. So that's a a, a big um. What? What makes sure that you're uh recharging?
Speaker 2:
I think that's good. Yeah, something that I feel like I see a lot, um, is an unwillingness to take ownership over their part. So, you know, in our example, you know if, if this example were true, like Jason, had a porn addiction and I am trying to figure out what to do with my marriage, the people that we see whose marriage is completely restore both people involved in the marriage, because there's always two they take incredible amounts of ownership. And I should be asking myself the question what can I do to contribute health to my marriage and what do I need to improve? How, where can I? Where can I improve?
Speaker 2:
And, um, you know, when you feel like you've been wronged, it's very hard, it's very, it's very humbling to take ownership over anything. If you feel like you've been wronged, and so getting over that part of our selves and being willing to be super humble and ask that question like what have I done to contribute to this, even if it's just simply I've been passive or I've allowed it, or I've not wanted to work, or I've wanted to ignore it, or I, you know, I've just get angry, and so it's just simply I've been passive or I've allowed it, or I've not wanted to work, or I've wanted to ignore it, or I, you know, I've just get angry, and so it's not constructive when we talk about it. Whatever it is, there's always two parts in a marriage, so yeah.
Speaker 1:
Last thing that I see that is a mistake is people are unwilling to try things because they've tried it before. So I don't want to go to counseling. We've gone to counseling before. It's like, well, there's a lot of things that you've tried before that you know. If you don't do it, it's not going to work. And just because you tried it once or twice or 10 times and it didn't work, doesn't mean that it won't work.
Speaker 1:
It's probably how you're executing, or it's the counselor that you went to or you know the you the lack of implementation in the tools. But oftentimes we have to go back to the drawing board and revisit what we've done before with new lenses. So you've already tried counseling before. It didn't work super good for you. Why did it fail? Fail? Yeah what was the part in which getting coaching, getting counseling from someone is is not helping? It's probably because you're not executing yeah it's.
Speaker 1:
It's probably because you're not you're not actually listening to what they're saying. So, anyways, it's good, hopefully, uh, y'all can can benefit from. If you have a couple that you know is struggling in an area, send this conversation to them and we're like huge fans of going and investing in your marriage. That's why we do our six-week marriage intensive, which we'll do again in the fall. Yes.
Speaker 1:
But it's why we do this kind of stuff. It's like you can avoid so many pitfalls in your marriage by learning healthy communication, learning how to turn towards one another yeah, learning how how to solve conflict. Yep, um, like actually taking the assessments why we do an assessment inside of our marriage.
Speaker 1:
Intensive is like I want to check the main areas of our marriage and just see how we're doing there and really get a look at how we think that we're doing. And so, anyways, um, being proactive to pour into your marriage, proactive to to add skills to your life, really, really, really helps your life out.
Speaker 1:
So, guys, thanks so much for listening. Once again, if you love the podcast, please subscribe to it. Yep, Go ahead and like it as well. You can share it with a friend. That helps us a ton and then leave a comment. So we have, I don't know, 250 comments or something on um, Apple and Spotify. If you guys would go in and leave more comments, that helps us a ton. Actually is a free way that you can help our podcast, uh, find new listeners. So thank you all, have a great week, see ya.