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Seatime Frenzy with Thobany and Friends!
I am blessed to have friends in and outside shipping industry who support and cherish me and are there when I'm going through some life distressing issues.
But when I started my career in 2016.. I was just beginning self acceptance and discovery journey and most people couldn't connect with me because I still had that wall.
By degrees, I have managed to re-learn many of those societal beliefs and relinquish those that no longer served me.
Revising that journey has inspired me to create a space where I could have a candid talk / catchup with my friends/peers. mainly to share our growth, discoveries and struggles along the way, personally and in #seatransport world.
This will be fun! tune in on ANY podcast streaming platform "Seatime Frenzy with Thobany and Friends" or simply listen on Buzzsprout (Link below). or @thevoidspace1 on youtube.
Listen Now Episode 01:
Navigating Your First Voyage: Essential Insights for New Mariners!
https://www.buzzsprout.com/1955908
Seatime Frenzy with Thobany and Friends!
A journey of grief after complicated Appendicitis Surgery at Sea
Have you ever wondered how to truly navigate the tumultuous waters of grief and trauma without succumbing to toxic positivity? Join me as I share my deeply personal journey, starting with the devastating loss of my mother during my ninth-grade year. This episode is a heartfelt exploration of grief's profound impact and the importance of embracing and validating our emotions during such difficult times. By sharing my own story, I hope to connect with others who have faced similar struggles and offer a sense of solidarity and understanding.
From the heart-wrenching moments of losing a loved one to the unexpected humor found in the operating room, this episode is a testament to resilience and vulnerability. I'll recount a harrowing medical emergency at sea that led to a life-changing surgery for a burst appendix, emphasizing the critical importance of timely medical intervention. Through these narratives, we'll discuss the significance of acknowledging grief and trauma, the pitfalls of toxic positivity, and the healing power of genuine empathy. Tune in for an episode filled with raw emotion, unexpected laughter, and invaluable life lessons.
Let's connect on the socials!!
Instagram: @thevoidspace1
https://www.instagram.com/thevoidspace1/?locale=zh_CN
LinkedIn: The Void Space
https://za.linkedin.com/in/the-void-space-6932601aa
Youtube: @thevoidspace1
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hello, hello, hello, welcome. I'm sorry for laughing, guys. Welcome to another episode. First of all, I want to thank you, guys. Thank you for the positive energy, love and support that we received from our last episode. First, let me just say it it was my first episode behind the mic. I've never done it before. It's not part of my job. I was just trying something new and actually, guys, I'm starting to enjoy it. I think it's it.
Speaker 1:I have passion for telling stories. I never thought of myself as a good storyteller, mainly because I mix up the event. I don't know. I never thought of myself as a good storyteller mainly because I mix up the events. I don't know. I never thought of myself as a good storyteller, but podcasting seems different. It seems like it's a way of understanding me. It's a way of communicating, and the more I communicate, the more these things sink into me. So thank you, guys, for the love and for sharing the podcast.
Speaker 1:I have to make it clear that this is not going to be a one-dimensional podcast. It's going to have different aspects to it. I do want to have a chat with my friends over some topics. Invite them as guests, have a good laugh, have a good energy, but sometimes I'm just going to be writing solo and talking about things that are worth discussing, whether it's personal things or whether it's something that is related to the job that I do. Uh, I'm just gonna have that.
Speaker 1:Um, one of the things that was bordering me or was hindering me from starting the podcast is because I was struggling to find my target audience, I think I I I was just looking at everybody you know, know, and the moment I paused and started to think who may benefit from listening to this? Who am I making this for? And I was like, yes, it's someone who have been where. I've been someone who struggled with finding themselves. I've been someone who struggled with finding themselves, finding their voice, someone who had insecurities, someone who sometimes felt like on top of the world but the next morning doubted their strength, doubted everything you know. So that is the person who's going to that journey, and most of the stories that we're going to discuss are going to be good stories and are going to be lessons, but this is, as I said, it's not going to be a one-dimensional thing. Today I want to talk about a topic that I think it still affects me today.
Speaker 1:Some of my friends are going through it and sometimes I just don't know what to say to them, because before, when somebody tells me they've lost someone they love, I would just talk to them and say, you know? Just polish it. I would say, oh, you're going to be strong. You know something like light, you're going to be strong. You know something like light, you're going to be strong. I know you will overcome this something. But that lessens the pain, that overshadows the pain that they are feeling. It says, oh, this is not. When I say that to you, when I say, oh, you're going to you, when I say, oh, you're gonna be strong, friend, you're gonna be fine, you'll get through this, it says this is nothing. That that is what it translates. It says, uh, this is nothing, you're just gonna get over it. But Grief is something huge. It takes time, it takes years.
Speaker 1:Just to share my own personal story, I lost my mother when I was in grade. I was doing grade 9. It was December, I think it was December 2012. It was 31st of December 2012. I was in home. I visited my mother's side, my grandmother's side, on my mother's family, and I was staying there for holidays. I remember the last test, that okay, the last call that I had with my mother. She was asking me when I'm coming back and I was like hell, no, I'm not coming back.
Speaker 1:So because during December holidays at home, there's all these people, right. So I grew up in a rural area area, obviously, so the culture in rural area is men, or or the husbands. They go to johannesburg to work during the whole year and in december they come back and there's a lot, of, a lot of things happening. I mean events and everything and everything. So I'll be helping a lot with my I mean I always helped her I'll be helping my mother with all the cures. I mean the cooking, the, the cleaning, the collecting the firewood, the water. So when I'm not home she will struggle, she will struggle and I'm the eldest son, so um, I, I, I, I had a lot of um, let's say teachings passed down to me, like how to cook. She taught me how to cook and she taught me everything. So that's the last call that I had with her, like when are you coming back? And I was just like no, like no, bitch, I'm not coming back.
Speaker 1:But at that time also, I didn't have like a good relationship with my mother, not, not, I wouldn't say good, but I didn't have a strong relationship that I wanted to have with her. Uh, because my mother was strict. He was a strict woman and I don't know that is how he was raised and he also passed down to his children. I still saw her as, let's say, someone that I feared, you know, yeah, someone that I feared. She was strict and so, like when you make mistakes they were punishable. That is the kind of a household that I grew under. But also I don't want to talk about this topic like a lot to lose the context, because I'm talking about grief today. So she died, she passed away.
Speaker 1:For me, traveling back now, hearing the news and going back at home to prepare for the funeral, it was still just bland. How old was I? I think I was like 18, 19 in 2012, somewhere around that age. But when the funeral was done and you know, you realize that, oh my god, my mother is gone, um, that that is it. It's different guys. It different from from. Luckily, I still had my father who was supporting.
Speaker 1:But I never healed completely from that experience until even, let's say, two years one year, I mean. Even now, I'm still trying to digest the things that I had to feel, that I had to feel, but I didn't feel them Because I think I just tried to bury all that and try to like move on. You know, I read a quote one day that it said you are not forgetful, it's because you had memories that you try to forget about. And I think that's what happens when you lose someone you try to forget some of those bad things that happened to you and sometimes you're like I don't remember that, but it's just because you, you try to forget it. So I will say to someone who's grieving go and and seek help.
Speaker 1:You know, if there's one thing that I wish I would have done at that time was to to, to, to go like through counseling, uh, just to talk about emotions and all that. It's very important, which is one thing that I would advise for seafarers. I mean, I had a medical aid, I think two years ago. I had a medical aid two years ago and one time I was on a ship thinking why am I paying for this medical aid? I'm paying for, like I was paying for like 2,000, 2,300 for medical aid and I was just asking myself why am I paying for this? And I was thinking about canceling it until something happened to me and I was like I don't know if I called it to myself or something, but that that was a hit. So, talking I'm gonna come back to that topic, guys uh, later talk.
Speaker 1:Talking about grief, right, it was different. So that was in 2012, when I lost my mother, and in 2019 when I, when my father, passed away. It was different. It was different, I don't know it. It was really I.
Speaker 1:I hadn't, I, I didn't have emotional connection to my father, to my both parents, because the mainly reason why I didn't have emotional connection to them is because I we had a different relationship. They were strict, um, as I said, um, everybody knew like my mother was strict, but as a as a first, as a first uh son or as the eldest son, I grew to like resent them, let's say, because I never felt loved by them. You know, I never felt loved by them, which is I don't want to say, I don't want to stand here and talk about, like household domestic abuse and all that, but it's something that I experienced growing under my parents. So which, by the, I wish I had a good relationship with them. When I talk about these things to my then family members. They understand, they know, but they feel like, oh, I'm good, they did that. Look at where you are now. They will say some things like that.
Speaker 1:But, guys, it's not about you having street parents who punish you for your mistakes, that it's helped, shaped you. Because look at us now. I mean we are still dealing with those things of self-love. Because the reason I think the reason we struggle with self-love this is something that I have learned before again is that we didn't feel like we are worthy of love growing up. We didn't. If your parents punishes you, takes a stick and and and just like hit you all over the body and and you cry, and that doesn't feel like love and that's someone that you, you trust, you know it doesn't feel. It doesn't show like love because love will be like I love you so much, I wouldn't want to hurt you, I wouldn't want to make you cry, you know. So that translate to how we feel about ourselves growing up. So, yes, there is a lot of things that we, we we have to unlearn, but some, some of the some of the things that we are going through, we just have to be careful how we respond to other people who are going through those things. This is what I'm trying to say.
Speaker 1:There is a term that they use. It's called toxic positivity, which is the first thing that I talked about. When you respond to someone who's going through grief, understand their emotions, understand how they feel, what they are going through and instead of offering, like your advice, you can just say, yes, give it to the universe. There's a book that is about toxic positivity, guys. You can just say, yes, give it to the universe. There's a book that is about toxic positivity, guys. I bought the book but I haven't read it. My friend told me about it. He said it's a masterpiece. The book is by. I'll check the name now. All right, thank you. So the book is by. With with me, goodman, you, toxic Positivity. I haven't read it, but my friend suggested for me to go through it.
Speaker 1:So about grief grief can also mean different things. It may not be about you losing your parents. It may also be about you losing your parents. It may also about you losing yourself going through something. This I had to learn when I got through. So I was on a ship as I told you about my medical story that something happened, my my medical aid story, that something happened. So I was on a ship.
Speaker 1:This was in beginning of this year, 2024, it was around 5th of january. So in october previous year I had like it was a small illness, let's say I had like stomach pain, right so, and at that time there was like medication on board I. I drank like charcoal and I became fine, but it was really bad stomach pain. I couldn't like stand tall, I was off duty the the whole day, um, but after I drank the charcoal I became fine. So I thought it was maybe something that I ate. I actually drank soda. It was, I drank soda, soda drink before that day. I'm not saying it causes it, I'm just saying that that is what happened. Probably it's not soda drink, because later I figured out. So in October I had that and I became fine. But beginning of this year it was January 5th I had that thing again came back to me At that time. I don't think I drank anything, it just happened.
Speaker 1:It was morning when I woke up I just felt some discomfort in my stomach, right. So I'm like, okay, when I woke up it was still fine. But as I go to the bridge to take over the watch and just walking, more steps, more steps. These discomforts grew, you guys. So, and at one point I couldn't stand. Now I was just like trying to like lean on this chair, lean on a table or something. That's when I knew that, okay, something is wrong, but I just didn't know what it is. I didn't know what it is so and I asked for medication. One thing that I will say it's when you are sick, it just teaches you a lot, a lot about people. You just learn a lot. At that point, I really learned a lot going through that. And so At that point, I really learned a lot going through that.
Speaker 1:And so after that, I think we were supposed to have drills afternoon, and I'm somebody who's strong on the, who pretends to be strong on the outside, even though I really need help, but I just didn't make it like a big thing. I was like, ah, it's probably going to pass. So I just said, said I'm not going to attend the drills, so, but I just didn't make it like a big thing that, hey, I am sick, sick, sick, sick, because, yeah, I, I still had that shell, um, so I go to my cabin, I stay there and this thing is intensifying. So here in my cabin, and I remember going up to the bridge and asking um pay. I actually tried to heal myself, but it didn't work. Later on I don't want to get into details of it, how everything that happened, because I don't want it to be held against me. So, and one time they realized, management realized that oh, he is sick, and then they started to attend to, to to me, but I believe it was also like late, but those guys saved my life.
Speaker 1:So we were navigating in Suez Canal. We were navigating in Suez Canal, so we just entered the Red Sea. Well, we exited the Suez Canal and we're going to reach. It's called Java, yeah, the Saudi Arabia, and Java or Java, I don't remember and then we were going to reach that area in a few days or in a few hours. It was the next morning that we reached that area, so me being sick, and then they had to ask the nearest call station for, for, for, for, for medical assistance, and then I was arranged to go on a tag and then I was transferred ashore.
Speaker 1:I still didn't know what was wrong with me. I still didn't. I heard guys, because I never heard about appendicitis before. I'm a healthy person. I thought I'm a healthy person. I exercise, I eat, right, I thought appendix was for older people. I never thought it would affect anybody. I never thought it would affect anybody. So, yes, I was diagnosed with appendicitis, you guys, and if I just put in one word, it was a very traumatic experience. Not traumatic, but I had good lessons on that chain. I had good lessons, but it's something that I wouldn't wish for anybody.
Speaker 1:If you have it, or if you had some signs of your, it's usually your lower abdomen on the right hand. You usually feel some pain there, but in my case they it. It was already like burst, which was like, if we were in the middle of ocean or somewhere, I was probably gonna die. I was probably gonna die because the whole, um, the whole thing will travel to the they call obsession. There's just a lot of things happening there. I'm not a medical practitioner so I don't want to say wrong things. So they call it when this pass is traveling around and it's causing infection everywhere. So you actually could possibly die if you are not treated immediately, which in my case. I was on board a ship and this was something that was, yeah, serious.
Speaker 1:So after that experience my point is after that experience, you guys, I, I, I struggled to, to, to, to, to, I had to grieve, uh, the loss because so I go to the hospital, obviously I'm not eating, I'm waiting for the surgery and, mind you, I've always been scared of death if I go to the hospital. For me it's like, and in that case I was thinking, okay, this is probably the time that I'm going to die. At home, where I'm coming from, we have always had that thing of, like, people passing away without major sickness. I mean, it happened to my mother and my father and my other family members. They just small sickness and they are dead family members. They just small sickness and they are dead. So for me, uh, there was a time when I thought, okay, this is the time now I have to face death, which I've been always been afraid of, death. And so here I am, I'm going to this tag from a ship and I'm going to hospital from a ship and I'm going to hospital.
Speaker 1:We got, we land on the quayside and there is the ambulance waiting for me and these guys they don't speak English now, um, so I go inside the ambulance, they go around, they go around and there's bombs. So every time the ambulance hit these bombs. You know, I, I just feel like you know it it was. It was tough and it seemed like this guy really didn't care because they were just driving, boom, boom, you know, on the speed bumps, um, it took, it sounded. Oh, it felt like one hour, it felt like forever. They were going around because I was just in so much pain.
Speaker 1:And then we go to the, we get to the hospital. What first hospital that we went I don't remember how many hospitals we went to trying to admit me. They asked for my simmons and you know, when you are sick, when somebody asks you some question, you just you don't feel like you go to the same place. They ask you the same question. You just you don't feel like you go to the same place. They ask you the same question, same. I think we went to like three hospitals where they are asking what is, what is your pain? When did it start that? It was so annoying guys, but yes, I understand what they had to do it. And then, finally, we found one hospital where they admitted me emergency section. And then I went there. They took the blood test, they took everything.
Speaker 1:At that point I still don't know that I have a burst appendix. I still don't know that, because if they asked me, I just said, oh, the pain started yesterday, because I didn't know when did it burst. Really, I started feeling pain yesterday but I was like in a like an emergency um situation. So finally we get to the bed, the doctor comes in and tells me, I mean, we have done the city scan, we have done everything. So the doctor comes in and tells me that it's an appendix they're going to. He just assures me he's like we're gonna get you, we're gonna, we're gonna um, we're gonna help you. You know, but I was still shocked, like me appendix. Why? So? I had to go on google. My battery was running low. I had to go on google and check about appendix and check the procedure because I was still satisfied.
Speaker 1:I was still like traumatized or scared of, of, of, of of the idea of surgery. I mean, somebody's gonna open my intestines. That means death, you know. So I, as traumatized as I am, as in pain as I was, and having to face my fears, have to having to deal with this situation. Now, I searched on Google, I searched on YouTube how do they do the surgery? And then I gained some balance. I gained some, let's say, stability. I was just like saying, okay, father, okay, okay.
Speaker 1:But I still remember, at that point, I still haven't given up on myself. You know, even though I was, like, going to the surgery first time, never been scared of death, blah, blah, blah, I still didn't think it was really time for me to die. You know, I mean, it was at the back of my mind that it's possible. But there was just that thing that says no, no, it cannot be, I still have more to do. Um, and I, you guys, for you, can say, ah, append, no, it's because of my mindset at that time. You know, I told you I grew up in a place where people get small sickness and they die. And every time you grow up there, you are reminded that you know what? You are not safe, you may die. So that is mainly from that. I still had that mindset ingrained with me. That is mainly from that. I still had that mindset ingrained with me.
Speaker 1:So, and then I got to the surgery. I got to the room. The guys were very kind, actually, they were cute too. On the surgery room, on the white room, it's like white, everything, the theater, they call it theater. Yeah, I remember there was one guy who was brown, one brown guy. He was so cute. When I saw him I was like, yes, please do it, cut me open, I'm joking, um. So I saw him and I felt and he's the guy who actually, um, put the anesthesia on my back. He, he, he, he, he went on with this long, with his long syringe and he, he, he syringed my, my, my, like on my. I feel like this was my spine, on my spine, so and so, and before I know it, okay, that doctor did something that I hated, though, because he tried to test if I can still feel. I mean, my eyes were open and he went on with his tool. He peaked on my stomach and I felt that pain. That is something that I will never forget. I hated that pain. That is something that I will never forget. I hated that.
Speaker 1:So after that I was sleeping and I don't remember what they did. I thought I don't recall anything that they did and then the next thing I woke up. I woke up and I was already in bed with all these tubes attached to me. So I had one tube for oxygen and it was going inside the nostrils. I don't know how deep it was, but it was quite deep, you guys. Was it for oxygen, I don't know, but it was going through my thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there was some tube there, I remember that, and I had one tube for draining the obsession, the liquid that has been dislocated. You know, I had one on the left of the abdomen and then one on the right and I had another tube on the right that was connected to the cut. So they did me like two cuts. There was one cut from, like the lower, the bottom of the, the migli stomach, was it? You see, from your. So you have your chest right and you have this thing down, that hollow thing down the chest and just few inches down. That's when they started, like the my cuts. And then going down to above the, the belly button, and then one cut on the second cut on the right abdomen, which is where they removed the, the appendix. So this mingle cut when they they said they said they were cleaning because I had a past situation, so the liquid or the pus just spread all over. So they were trying to clean that and so I had that tube. The last tube was connected on the cut on the right and then one more was connected on my cathrine what they call cathene. It's for urine, it was connected on my bladder for urine.
Speaker 1:So at that point, of course, I was weak, I couldn't stand, I was just hopeless. My battery was low, my phone was off already. I was just hopeless, my battery was low, my phone was off already. So it was just me, my thoughts and the situation that I was in. Mind you, I am a person who always, at that point, I was feeling confident with my body. I mean, I was working out and here I am, I was just wasted with eyes deep down in my sockets because I haven't been eating, and I think the surgery just took a toll on my body. And even now I still, like, feel like my skin, my face skin is still a little bit dull.
Speaker 1:So that time, though, the things that I learned from that journey because I, my phone was off for like five days, I asked one guy to charge it. He couldn't charge it. He broke my charger. That's one thing also. I, I, I, I. I learned from that experience, you guys, because I was just sleeping in bed most of the time with my thoughts, sleeping in bed, waking up, walking around with my thoughts. I think I gained clarity. I think I gained clarity. I think I gained clarity of what life is about, I mean, what is important in life. I think I can.
Speaker 1:I remember, before going to the surgery, I was so peace I wouldn't say peaceful, but I was ready. At one point I was ready for the outcome. I was really ready, you guys, whatever outcome may be, I was ready. But coming outside and seeing this new world now, where I have lost a sense of myself or something that I thought was me, which was my body, I tried to find myself. I remember looking at the mirror for the first time after like three days, because every time I passed through the mirror I just tried to ignore it. I think it was after three days, when following my surgery, that I started to look in the mirror and and see the cuts, and see the and and see, and I just stood there. I laughed. I remember laughing. I remember laughing like, oh my god, this is you. But I had a revelation at that time. I had a beautiful revelation.
Speaker 1:It's something that I had to interpret when I was reading a book. It's by um. It's called dying be Me. I haven't finished the book, but it's called Dying to be Me, by. I'll tell you the name now Miranda. Yes, dying to be Me by Miranda. Let me just confirm once again, guys, now the book is Dying to Be Me anita mojani.
Speaker 1:Anita mojani, so she's a writer. She was living in hong kong and she had a near near death experience because she was diagnosed with cancer. It's a beautiful book, but I I read, I have have read 68% of the pages. I thought it was. Some topics are great to digest when you are going through that situation or if you are healing from grief. It's a beautiful book, but at that point I think I was getting more consumed into that situation that I sort of started to relive it again. So I I just stopped reading it, but it's a beautiful book. I would suggest somebody who's dealing with grief to check out that book.
Speaker 1:As I said, grief may be something more than just losing someone. It's about losing yourself. Is there something happened to you, like an accident, or trying to love yourself again? You are dealing with grief, so that's it. And from that experience, as I said, guys, I just learned also about the people who care about me. It's so because I had friends who were worried and were calling now calling the company, asking what's happening and I couldn't tell them anything because my phone was off. I was just there. I was just there and at that time I didn't even know when they were going to discharge me. I didn't even. I was just, I didn't know anything. Even I was just, I didn't know anything. But I want to thank the people who made sure my life was saved. I want to thank the people who showed me love when I needed it most, who supported me when I needed it most, when I needed most, who supported me when I needed it most, and I want to thank the people who never gave up on me.
Speaker 1:This was today. This is the episode for today. Guys, I am just talking about grief and I don't know if I said it correctly, but if you don't know what to say to someone who's who's going through grief, the best you can just say I love you and I'm here for you. That is enough. I love you and I'm here for you because sometimes, yes, words are hard to come by. Thank you, guys for listening. Please share with your friend who may benefit, or you can simply just like or follow us on Spotify. I will also post this on YouTube and I hope you guys understand this is not something that I'm going to be doing all the time. I do want to get to express my vulnerable side, but I also will be having fun on this episode on this podcast. So enjoy it while it lasts and thank you for listening. See you on the next one.
