The Keys to Emotional Healing for Healthy Relationships with Diana Richardson

Today’s episode with Diana Richardson is dedicated to a theme that often dominates and steers our lives in many ways, particularly during the holiday season - emotions! Ever wondered how emotions shape our relationships, how they can hinder or nurture our connections, and how we can harness them for a fulfilling love life? Emotions can obstruct our outlook on love and impede the very thing that we most long for - intimate connection with others. We consider the difference between emotions and feelings, what to do when you find yourself in a toxic emotional state, and how we can learn to free ourselves from these unconscious forces. Diana describes how we can identify 'low-grade' emotions or moods in which imbalance starts to express - in states such as negativity, irritability and impatience. She provides powerful insights about how allowing feelings in relationships enables openness and greater intimacy, strategies for resolving emotional struggles and why taking responsibility is central to enabling conflict resolution. This conversation heightens our understanding of how to transform emotional dynamics, urging us towards greater self-awareness. We draw attention to how addressing our emotions can contribute to a more harmonious world and how freeing up the past to serve the present and make space for love in relationships makes all the difference. We conclude this deep exploration by looking at the connection between emotions and their expression during sexual intimacy. Diana helps us understand the principle of love as a state of being and the importance of healing emotions as a means of returning to the love we have within ourselves and with others. This talk offers invaluable advice for us all to maintain robust, gratifying relationships, guiding us towards a more harmonious and loving life.

Diana Richardson is known as the pioneer of the Slow Sex movement. In 1979, while in India, she became a disciple of the Indian mystic Osho and her interest in meditation, touch and healing initiated an exploration into Tantra. She has authored The Heart of Tantric Sex, Tantric Orgasm for Women, and Tantric Love: Feeling Versus Emotion coauthored with her partner Michael Richardson (2010). Diana shows us how sex can be a genuine method for self-exploration and spiritual development. Diana and her partner Michael are based in Switzerland, where they guide couples in the art of slow, conscious sex in their highly successful Making Love Retreats.

Why not check out Diana's other episode with us; How to Have Conscious Sex; Exploring Tantra & Intimacy

TEDx talk by Diana Richardson
The Power of Mindful Sex

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

What happens is when we don't allow our feelings, they get stored and go sour. When emotions get active, we actually move into quite a toxic state and we say things and do things that later we can easily regret.

Speaker 2: 0:26

Welcome to the Field Dynamics podcast. We're here to facilitate inspiring dialogues about the nature of consciousness across disciplines, communities and practitioners, all with a holistic perspective.

Speaker 3: 0:38

From energy healing to somatic therapies, from neuroscience to meditation. We believe the most interesting things happen at the boundaries of disciplines.

Speaker 2: 0:47

I'm Christabel.

Speaker 3: 0:48

And I'm Keith.

Speaker 2: 0:49

Thanks for joining us today and enjoy the episode. Hello and welcome to the Field Dynamics podcast Today's episode. We are joined once again by Diana Richardson.

Speaker 2: 1:07

Diana Richardson is known as the pioneer of the slow sex movement. Born in South Africa, where she completed a six-year law degree, she subsequently trained as a massage therapist and body worker in the UK and USA and is a teacher of holistic massage and deep tissue rebalancing. In 1979, while in India, she became a disciple of the Indian mystic Osho, and her interest in meditation, touch and healing initiated an exploration into Tantra. Some of the books she has written are the Heart of Tantric Sex, Tantric Orgasm for Women and Tantric Love Feeling Versus Emotion, co-authored with her partner, michael Richardson, and first published in 2010. Together, they are based in Switzerland, where they continue to guide couples in the art of slow, conscious sex in their highly successful making love retreats. Diana has been a speaker on TEDx, sharing her insights about how sex can be much more than our mainstream culture relates to it. Diana shows us how sex can be a genuine method for self-exploration and spiritual development. Welcome, diana, it's a great pleasure to welcome you back on the show.

Speaker 1: 2:19

Oh, so sweet and lovely to be with you again. I very much appreciate being the opportunity to share this information and also appreciate what you are doing, bringing into the field.

Speaker 2: 2:31

Thank you. You're well known for your bestseller, the Heart of Tantric Sex, as we shared there in the bio, which we discussed more in our interview with you earlier this year. Today's episode, however, we are dedicating to a theme that often dominates and steers our lives in so many ways, and that's emotions, more specifically, emotions in the context of relationships. So emotions can obstruct our outlook on love and impede the very thing that we most long for in our relationships to be present and fulfilled, able to enter into a deeper connection with others. So today we're going to be talking with you and considering what is this difference between emotions and feelings and how we can learn to free ourselves from these unconscious forces. So, to open, diana, you have observed many relationships over the years. What patterns and dynamics are you encountering on a regular basis?

Speaker 1: 3:25

These two, basically Christabel. The first is what we talked about in the last podcast we had together is about difficulties with the sexual connection and the other aspect. The second aspect is about the arguing and fighting that often goes on with a couple that accompanies them for weeks, for days. Sometimes they don't talk to each other for ages, and so this is a real stumbling block and the information what we're going to be talking today, or the insights is really really helpful for people to get through that and to sustain harmony. Because when you always like fighting and whatever you start to, it leads to a lot of self-doubt. What is wrong with me? I can't sustain a relationship. I'm always fighting, breaking up, finding a new boyfriend, fighting.

Speaker 1: 4:28

So it is a theme that happens a lot. Friends have said you know how's your relationship going and people will say it goes up and down, and then the second part will be you know how it goes. So it's like, kind of collectively, we have this idea that love goes up and down, but actually, when you really explore love and go into deeply, you realize it's something, it's our essence, it's who we are, it's a state, whether we recognize it as such or not, and so a state is something which is constant. What is going up and down is not the love, but the emotions and the level of emotions. So when the level of emotions is high, we can't feel the love, and when the level of emotions drops, we can feel the love again, and we've all experienced that. You have a big argument. Suddenly the thing turns and boom, you're connected, you can feel the love again. So it's really important for us to examine this emotions aspect and how we can monitor that and manage that so that we don't have these so many times of disconnection and so on.

Speaker 3: 5:50

As you mentioned in the bio, usually we can find you speaking about how to have conscious sex, but today our subject is specifically tantric love, feeling versus emotions. So what's the difference between an emotion and a feeling?

Speaker 1: 6:05

Yes, it's a huge difference and normally we don't understand the difference. Now, before I want to go into that, keith, I'd just like to say that really, if we into personal growth and self-development, it's good to have awareness on three levels, and the first is the body, second is the mind and the third is emotions. Now, body is relatively easy because it's here, you can touch it. Mind not so easy, because we float away and thought for a long time and the emotions is a very, very subtle layer. That's why, when we in what we can call the emotional state, we get very identified with it, because when emotions are active, they move through a sheet or layers in the body called fascia, and it's a pretty comprehensive system of tissue in the body, and so we feel like we are the emotion. So there's a high level of identification when we are emotional. So it does need quite a lot of awareness to recognize and cut through that.

Speaker 1: 7:17

Now, the difference basically between emotion and feeling is that feeling is something that relates to the present moment and emotion is something that relates to the past. So when we don't allow feelings in the present moment, whatever they are, if we don't allow them, through they and repress them, they become emotions. So what we can say is that all emotions is our body of unexpressed feelings, which is obviously something that we accumulate from very young and it's interesting to. It's good to understand this distinction because we use the words emotion and feeling totally interchangeably, like it means the same thing, but it's actually really really two worlds apart. Barry Long, who was an Australian master that I learned a little bit with, he drew this distinction and it's really really been very, very helpful because it gives you a way to see through it.

Speaker 3: 8:29

Just to be clear, like we try and just use language as well when we're working with people and differentiate between this very thing you're saying, emotion versus feeling. I've had a tendency, for instance, to go to the word sensation versus feeling, because feeling somehow might come across as something that can be subjective, like how do you feel today? I feel good, I feel bad, whereas something like sensation might be oh, there is this pressure in my thigh and it has these qualities, and if there was a scientist here, they could measure the electrical differential of the tissue of the fascia that you're. I'm just wondering are you clarifying more that feeling is more this what our body is sensing, without any kind of bias and some kind of totally objective level. Is that what feeling means in the context that you're saying?

Speaker 1: 9:21

Not really. It's not the kinesthetic sense, it's more like sadness, anger, depression, love, feelings on that level. And you see, we live in a society that we're not encouraged to allow feelings. So if you're a kid and you start crying, like especially if you're a boy you're told you're a girl, stop crying, you're like a girl. So you start to shut down. If you're angry as a kid, your parents will discipline you as you get older. So right from childhood also, there's a lot of experiences we have as children. I mean, there's a lot of sexual abuse and that's another thing that if that is a situation, something that happens to you, there's a lot of confusion, a lot of many feelings associated with that experience fear and being paralyzed, and that you don't allow through the system.

Speaker 3: 10:23

So it's the repression or the non-processing of these feelings in real time that then become emotions.

Speaker 1: 10:30

Exactly, absolutely, yes, yes, and certainly that whole body of kinesthetic feelings is very important for being present and being more sensitive, especially in the love making. What happens is when we don't allow our feelings, they get stored and go sour. And this is the disturbance, because when emotions get active we actually move into quite a toxic state and we say things and do things that later we can easily regret. But fortunately there are some really clear indicators as to when you can know that you are in emotion, because once you learn the little tips, then it's like you can understand where you are and do something about it, instead of people just going to confusion and start to doubt their love. So one of the first indicators or symptoms but indicators is better the word is instant feeling of disconnection. So you can be with your partner, you can be having a nice time and then one word or a reference to something, or can even be the tone of the voice, then suddenly, like a wall comes down. It's disconnection. If you're paralyzed, you feel kind of disconnected from your partner, but also from yourself. So that is like the first indicator that somehow the past is stepping into the present. Something from the past has been triggered and that's what the reaction is Nothing to do with this person in the moment. The other very telling symptom or indicator is that if you're emotional or if you're going short before, it's very hard to look a person in the eyes. You will always be looking to the side. You can't look straight on.

Speaker 1: 12:32

Another one is a very common tendency with emotions is they blame the other person for the unhappiness. So there's always this phrase you always and you never. And you can change partners and it's the same you always and you never. Same thing which is really clearly showing ah, this is something I'm carrying from before. It's not to do with my partner. So in my book I mean, there's a long list of things like emotions are always trying to change the other person. They very self-righteous like I'm right and you and wrong, and until you admit that you're wrong. The other thing would be that they love to argue and discuss emotions and people get start arguing and you and you and you, and go further and further into Quogma, you know, into separation.

Speaker 3: 13:34

They happen.

Speaker 1: 13:35

It's repeating patterns. For instance, the same issue will come up again and again and again. Normally we vary, like mind oriented, even that it's a strong experience in the body, we in our mind, and it will kind of like go around and around and find reasons for why you unhappy. And the main thing why it's important is to recognize is because of this aspect of toxicity. That that I started out by saying, because emotions are toxic and they love revenge, so they're going to do, say all kinds of things.

Speaker 1: 14:18

And always in my groups, when we discussing the subject, don't just say often what I say to, always who's recognized that they feel toxic when they're emotional and everybody puts their hands up. So it's something we recognize but we don't really know what it is or how to deal with it. One thing that is important for me to say is that to be emotional is not wrong, but not to know that you're emotional or recognize that you're emotional and take responsibility for that, that is wrong in the sense of that you can do something, say something that can have lifelong consequences. You know it's emotion is not wrong, because we all have many reasons for repressing our feelings. I mean, our society does not encourage feelings, but when we start to recognize that we're emotional, this is so, so important.

Speaker 2: 15:23

I think this is a really crucial point. You're making this idea of emotion itself not being wrong but not being consciously aware or present of that emotional state moving through you is well, we could use the word wrong, but you know it's unhelpful, right, it's going to be very destructive to the dynamic that we're in exchange with with another person, and I think this comes up a lot in the traditional relationship model of a heterosexual couple. It must often come up where the male is potentially more repressed and I'm talking in big umbrella terms here. You know, I know every individual is different, but they're not maybe moving into clearly into their emotional state, but in fact they are.

Speaker 2: 16:05

There may be more shut down, more contracted, more disconnected, and then a woman may be more potentially openly emotional in these states, maybe tearful, maybe more overt, and I've heard it time and time again in dynamics where that accusation of, oh, you're too emotional, I can't talk to you while you're like this, but there's emotions in fact moving through both individuals. It's the way that they're expressing in that triggered state that is in fact less clear potentially, and you could inverse those roles into individuals very clearly. You know, sometimes women are more repressed and quite and contracted and the men more, more overt, of course. But it's really interesting to hear about that and we talk about that in field dynamics, maybe as moving into a state of distortion or, you know, a triggered aspect within the field, an old pattern of behavior, a belief being activated and, as you say, it's like a time capsule. This could be about relationships past, it could be about relationship with parental figures, even transpersonal content, and yet it's expressing in that most intimate dynamic of our, of our partner.

Speaker 1: 17:11

Yes, yes, absolutely. And the thing is is that that is the safe place. It's the safest place to let go these kind of patterns, because we know we're not, you know we feel safe with, with the person we closest to, so you wouldn't go into that pattern with your colleague, for instance. So it's because we so safe that we do go into these patterns and also we do get, you know, triggered very easily. But I would just like, when you say like women are more emotional, see, I would say women are more touch with their feelings, just to start to, it's difficult to get that distinction because I often think, well, you can see, like people that are some live tennis games or rugby or football, I was so emotional. Now I understand exactly what they're saying, but how would you say that in a rephrase that I was so full of feeling or I was like so excited or so elevated.

Speaker 1: 18:21

It's really really helpful because once you start to recognize that, just through those few indicators, then you can start to do something. And the most interesting is that all the things that we feel when we don't allow feelings, now there was when we emotional, when we actually allow the feelings, the true feelings, then the opposite is experienced. So, for instance, when I'm with you and you might be a beloved and allow my feelings, we feel connected. When you allow the feelings, you feel expanded, you feel open, you're more self revealing, you're not protecting and so on. So it's really helpful, like the information we're going to talk about today is how to deal with your past right when that comes into play. But it's very helpful to start to allow the feelings when they come up, if it's tears or shivering or shaking or even anger. But when these things are moved through you and you allow them, it actually improves the connection. But when they come in the repressed form, there's the separation.

Speaker 3: 19:36

And I'm just curious and something that, something you said that, cristobal, and I have reflected on, that it's with our intimate partners and the people who are closest to us in our life in which we actually we tend to act out these emotional inner landscapes and work through those projections etc. And there's kind of a two fold consideration here. One is how strange is it in a way that everyone has a private self when they're in their most imbalanced, most emotional state that they never really show to most of the world but pretty much just show to those closest to them? Because, like you said, there's safety, there's something that's not that, and yet within that safe, I care about you, the most relationship.

Speaker 3: 20:26

I'm also going to bring forward the, the most imbalanced, darkest aspects of myself and that that that aspect of ourselves is basically for most people, for 90, something that people is never on display publicly. So you couldn't, you can never know what a person you meet casually is like in their most triggered state. You'll just never, they'll never show that to you. And that public versus private persona is really fascinating to me that everyone in the world is like this and yet we only get to see those two or three or five or 10 people who are closest to us actually ever show that soft underbelly. And I'm just and I'm just wondering what you think about that in relation to the sacredness of relay, of intimate relationships, and that that that's the sacred nature and the acknowledgement of them is so vital to being able to understand that context.

Speaker 1: 21:19

Well, I think it's basically just a little bit of a blind spot. You know, we don't really understand it. Even when it's happening, we don't know actually what's going on.

Speaker 1: 21:31

There's just a lot of confusion. You know a whole mixture of kind of experiences. I think it's a lack of education, you know. Same with sex. It's a bit of a blind spot. The thing is is that we think this is how humans behave and that's the problem. So as a child, if you see your parents being emotional the whole time, you think that's how you behave. So there's no real screen or filter. Like, say, I have a friend, she just went to see her mother. Now her mother's very ill. Her mother is lovely to everybody else around her the caretaker's, the nieces but to her daughter she is toxic because the daughter has got no choice but to stay there. You know there is so much toxicity that in the end you can't handle it. But family stays together.

Speaker 1: 22:29

We don't really understand the importance of allowing feelings. You know whatever they are and how, when they are repressed, how they do impact us on a very great level. Many people have been to us and said you know we had one fight too many in our previous relationship. So it really shows that in love is very resilient, it bounces back. We know that. You know the war comes down. Love is there, but too much toxicity after a while, it really can burn the love out. So that's why, especially if it's like repeating patterns and repeating arguments, it's really good to cut through and start to deal with it, and then you know, things look much cleaner because you're taking responsibility for your past.

Speaker 2: 23:24

Thanks, diana, for using that word. I think there's something really crucial here. I love the way that you're reframing here this idea of taking responsibility for these emotional tracks right. So, firstly, there's bringing presence and consciousness to it, because this is something a lot of people aren't comfortable referring to, but there's often a member within a family or a grouping you know, however you choose your family model in life where there is this sort of toxic element and, as you said, and family constellations touches on this the kind of orders of love or the rules of that group, of that family as such, that well, we don't, you know, disown each other. We stay regardless, and I love this idea of taking responsibility and being able to reframe this too.

Speaker 2: 24:10

Well, how is this moving through me? How can I bring presence and understanding? And Keith touched on this when he's saying, actually, our intimate relationships are an opportunity, if we're able to do so, of being a very sacred contract to do this work, because we're dealing with a mirror, you know, we're literally able to lock in, key, mirror each other's triggers and patterns. And if we're able to have the understanding, the skill set, the consciousness to stick around, as you say, and to continue to work through those we can really provide a great holding space and gift for ourselves and the other individual.

Speaker 1: 24:48

Exactly exactly that you wouldn't have with a stranger. But within that same unit, like you say, you can really protect the sacredness. And that's why, once you get that knack with a person who's close to you, then of course it can extend out too, because emotions you know, unexpressed feelings come up in all kinds of situations. One gets triggered in many different situations can be in the queue in the shop Do you know what I mean? And then something like Rrrrr.

Speaker 2: 25:20

Yeah, absolutely so. From your perspective, with all this experience you've had and working with couples over the years, what is it we can do when we're emotional? I mean field dynamics, have our own perspective on this and working with the field, but we'd love to hear more here about I believe you refer to it as the five steps to transforming emotion.

Speaker 1: 25:38

Right, and you know, the first thing is awareness, like you say, in consciousness, presence, but is to notice that you suddenly feel disconnected or that you can't look the person in the eyes or you start blaming them or complaining a lot.

Speaker 1: 25:54

So all these indicators, little lights, should go off and just like my God, I'm emotional. And then the biggest thing is to say I am emotional. And that is the hardest thing, because when we're in the emotional state, it's a ego state. You know I'm right, you're wrong, and until you admit da-da-da-da-da-da. So for you to admit you know that you're emotional, the ego does not like it. But once you say it, and especially if you practice saying it, you know again and again and it just becomes easier. So, first, awareness and presence to recognize that you're emotional, then to say aloud you're emotional to your partner, and then generally we say separate. In other words, the emotional person says I'm emotional, I need some time for myself. I am coming back, because what do we see in the movies? This is also part of our imprinting. Well, the door gets slammed, the person storms out and the one left behind is like oh you know. And so it's very important Recognize that you're emotional, say you're emotional. I need some time for myself and I'm coming back.

Speaker 1: 27:18

And then you go and you move your body, some physical activity, because when emotions are active they move through the fascia and so it's a substantial part of the body. In fact, everybody is like 23 kilograms of fascia. So if you move your body, you start to you burn up that emotion, so it can be jogging or hitting a pillow or vacuuming or something. But you need to do it with intention, not just, like you know, half-hearted. And it sounds very simplistic, but it really, really really does work. And you might need to do that for a few hours and then you come back to your partner and see you know, are you back in the moment? Can you look them in the eyes? Is the wall still there? And you will be able to see, oh, the wall is down or oh, no, it's still a bit there. And you go and you move your body a bit more and then eventually you come back. Now it sounds like I say it sounds simplistic, but what I do know it works and the mind very often wants more complex solutions to analyze and discuss. But if you start like that and the timeframe between you know being triggered and recognizing your emotional to resolving. It gets shorter and shorter and shorter and so, like now for me, things that with my partner used to irritate me or push my buttons, now they just laugh, you know. So these things do get burned up once they start to be acknowledged and felt.

Speaker 1: 28:56

You know it lived and I say generally speaking that it's good if people you know the emotional ones is I'm going, you know, and sometimes depending on a person's background, the other partner might can easily feel abandoned or something. So that is a delicate thing. But the point is you know that couple has to work out for themselves. But the important thing is that you know you say you're coming back. You just, if you stay together, the chances are you might just carry on arguing and discussing and not actually resolving it. Now, obviously you know we can move our body and all that Optimum is actually to access the feeling that was not expressed previously. So that is optimum. So one can access those feelings. It's slightly more mature. One can say you come into the region of the solar plexus, feel what you feel and kind of let it arise, because that's actually what we want to do is burn up or like bring into the fresh air, the light, the feeling that was not expressed, say, in the early childhood like, for example.

Speaker 1: 30:14

Subjectively speaking, almost everybody had the experience of abandonment as a kid. I can remember it very clearly. You know. I think I must have met five my parents weren't, they were great, you know lived in South Africa. They went fishing for weeks and weeks and weeks camping on the beach, and they farmed out, each of the kids with a different family, you know, and I, when they came back, I just could not look them in the eyes, I didn't want to see them, I hid away from them. Now, most children will tell you something like this. So that's why abandonment is something that comes up again and again and again in a relationship and even when you change partners, because it's a very old wound. But if you can actually access the feelings related to that and allow the original feelings, then you really worked through something and then the abandonment issue won't come up so often.

Speaker 3: 31:11

I'm wondering, like what you're talking about, this would be a revolution for the average home, average couple in the world, because the human condition does not seem to be one that people in, aside from just individual level responsibility and maintenance or attendance to their imbalances, to do that within a couple or spousal relationship. That's yet another step. How do you see this in terms of who this applies to? And if it was just a small amount of people who are interested in this at the moment? Really stepping into this, how might we envision this kind of orientation being more common?

Speaker 1: 32:09

Well, I think we just have to hope for the best for humanity and keep putting in the good things and see what people take out. But really I've done taught thousands and thousands of couples and the number of couples who just say that the sexual component that we learned from you was really important and it stands equally next to the emotions and feelings. It just changes your life that you're not always in this anxiety and stress state. It changes family lives. We say there's a few golden rules. Right, it's like if you parents, you never fight in front of your children, you say you're not toxic with each other and you're not emotional with your children. Now, being emotional is different to discipline. You can still discipline a child, but with no toxicity. You see, when parents are fighting in front of their children or being sarcastic or semi-toxic, the children feel it completely and they start to shrink and become then very demanding. So many parents have told us our family life changed. They could feel more love between us. Something in their being relaxes. So then you start to raise a very, very different kind of a child. Because they're not walking around in fear, because actually, ultimately, when we're in the emotional state, there's many indicators but the main one is fear. Well, I think it would just be a very different world.

Speaker 1: 33:45

And I think it's all couples, all families are hampered by this, not understanding what's actually going on. They think it's personal, it's to do with this person, but it's not. It's to do with something that happened in the past. Now, if you've been in a relationship for 20, 30 years with somebody, you are going to have things in your own time together that you could have dealt with better. But then you recognize that oh, I've only had known that 15 years ago and I'm really sorry and you can start to forgive each other and come from a place of understanding. Whole countries are emotional with each other colleagues, friends, families. The thing is in the couple relationship. That's where you can start, that's the most important base. Then you can really start to practice. Because if you say with your boss, and suddenly you're having a discussion and suddenly you feel yourself disconnected, Now you could then go into an argument with the boss, but it's much better.

Speaker 1: 34:57

You can't suddenly say I'm emotional, excuse me, I need a little time for myself, I'm coming back. What I would do is just say excuse me, I don't think this is a good time to talk about it. Can we have a break? Can we come back to this subject? Most, you get yourself out of the situation as soon as possible, because we all know you can say awful things that you regret, keith. I think it is so important. I think it's just so important.

Speaker 2: 35:33

We're really you're talking here, diana, about the micro to the macro, as it were. We have our one-on-one relationships and then all the ways that this reverberates out into the world through the family dynamic, through workplace, through broader community, and then to countries', humanity, civilization and that collective field. This is the ultimate adage, really, that Keith and I talk about a lot with field dynamics, which is doing your own personal healing as healing for the whole. Absolutely A lot of what you're sharing is connecting here to some of the really the major contemplative traditions. We talk about this idea of burning up the feeling. We think about the art of meditation, where we're becoming more and more present and over time these emotional charges will start to arise in the system and we're learning to traction with them, to be present as they're moving through.

Speaker 2: 36:27

The traditions talk about purification, we might talk about healing in other contexts. It's really bringing that practice from the mat, from those traditions, to our day-to-day living, to our interactions, in a very practical manner. As part of that, I'm interested in this stepping stone. We all know what it is to be in that full-blown, triggered state. You've identified very well these emotions that we're experiencing. What about this stepping stone of? I think you refer to it as leaking our emotions prior to becoming fully blown out, fully triggered, fully up and out, as it were. What's happening there? What can people look out for so they can start to titrate this emotional state better?

Speaker 1: 37:14

Right, very good, we call it low-grade emotions. It's a little bit like having a low-grade tooth infection. Some people live totally in that state, always in what can say a low-grade state. For other people and for me it is it's a stepping stone, one of the things to have an eye on that. So one of the things is complaining a lot, a lot of complaining, complaining, complaining about anything. This is a sign of emotions, or emotions rising. Another one is you're very prickly. Somebody says something to you and you just shoot out little dots Do you know what I'm saying? Little toxic remarks. You just throw them into the atmosphere. You're very irritable and you let that show in your voice Because we can say something ordinarily or we can say it like it's irritating us. That's already conveying Impatience is a sign of low-grade emotions when you start to lose your sense of humor.

Speaker 1: 38:32

Now, a humor is vital for this life. If you don't have humor, it's difficult. Obviously, when you're in a full-blown emotional state, you definitely don't have humor. When you start to notice that you lose your humor and you get a bit serious, this is also an indicator. Also, with the complaining, it can also be internally complaining about somebody your boyfriend or girlfriend and it's going round and around like he always, he never, can also be happening in the mind. That is really important to start to have awareness of that If you do notice that you're in a low-grade state. The same thing is move your body, because a lot of us, we live in a very static society we sit here, we sit there, we sit there. We're not moving much. If you move on a more regular basis, you're moving congestions, intentions or whatever through and you're likely to be less emotional. It's, in a way, it's a same kind of medicine for full-blown emotional or low-grade emotions. It's so great that we see things in a, we're kind of like complimenting each other, you in the field and then, yeah, excellent.

Speaker 1: 40:00

One golden rule is that you never tell somebody that they're emotional, because that is, unless you're really on material, you have an agreement, because it's easier for someone, for you, to see somebody else's emotions than your own. So we say you never tell somebody, because if you do, you're likely to. You know they're really going to aggravate their situation and they, you know, could easily get more emotional. So, yeah, it's a really helpful way of dealing with the baggage that we all bring into our relationship. You know we all do. We bring something from the past and if we can start to separate out this belongs to my past then we can protect love, and that is the whole point, that we are protecting the love from the toxicity. And then the more you do it, the more harmony you have, the more harmony around you and you know. You can then start to apply it. You know, and more you know, with colleagues and so on, but I think that's really something that will happen by itself.

Speaker 1: 41:12

The main thing is like to clean up your own garden and you know, realize, okay, these weeds are here, or there's dry wood is here, just do a little pruning. But it does need the awareness. And again, to say it's not wrong to be emotional. And I said what's wrong is not to recognize. And you said, well, it's not wrong, it's unhelpful, which is very nice.

Speaker 3: 41:41

What about sex and emotions? When we're talking in general thus far about, you know, emotions coming up in normal daily life routines, etc. What about during intimacy or sex itself?

Speaker 1: 41:55

Well, it's a delicate thing because when you start to make love consciously, one of the byproducts is that the things will move out of the system on a cellular level. So old feelings can come up. They might come up in the as emotions which you suddenly go into some kind of separation, or they might come up as feelings. Now, this is very, very good. These things come up because they stored in the cells. So that's why it's useful also to know the difference that says, suddenly I'm making love and a huge wave of anger comes up and I think it's my partner and it's like no, no, no, no, I am angry. I've got good reason to be angry, but it's not because of him, because everybody has anger, especially around sex. So in that sense this information is very helpful when you are making love consciously, because the awareness displaces the past. But another aspect is that conventional sex and I'm talking about sex that's, you know it is involving a lot of intensity and friction and building up of tension, that you're bringing this to a peak and then you're discharging, relaxing it away. This is the source of our emotions because actually what we are doing when we build up, intentionally build up, you know the intensity to an orgasm. We are using sensation and tension and actually. So what we are discharging is kind of like an overcharge and tension. It's not really to do the magnetics and the sensitive part of the body, like the magnetic exchange which is to do with orgasmic experiences when we have sex, in a way that every time the energy goes downwards, okay. So what the spiritual masters say is that when energy moves downwards, tension is the byproduct. So even if we do discharge a lot of the tension, there is a remnant and that remnant tries. The body is so intelligent, you know, it's just amazing. It will try and move this tension out the body and it comes out in low grade emotions or full blown emotions.

Speaker 1: 44:23

And actually, if you look at the history of women, what are women? What's our main label? Hysterical, emotional. Now, nobody would ever really connect that to how we make love and how women are treated and how women's body is misunderstood, meaning she needs much more time to open her body. She's often very much feels, very used. So this tension finds its way out. It's become to define women, right, but men also, it started to. Men are known as restless, quite aggressive, but this is all to do with this tension that resides in a system after the release in a conventional orgasm.

Speaker 1: 45:11

Now the masters say so. They say when tension moves down, when energy moves down, tension is the byproduct. When energy moves up, silence is the byproduct. Now, anybody who's had more relaxed sex that hasn't pushed it to a peak, you know, hasn't maybe even come. You feel much more still inside of if you've done meditation, when energy's moved upwards you feel more silent. So the direction that the energy goes in the body is of significance.

Speaker 1: 45:44

So that's why this, if you, just if the only way you make love is through, in the conventional way you know, and orgasm which is pleasant, you know it's not to knock that, but it does have consequences. And when we start to change the way we make love, we really reduce also the emotionality. So you can work with your past, dealing with it like any time, recognizing I'm emotional, take time. And you can also manage it through starting to change the way you make love, be more relaxed in love making, not pushing so much for the peak and the discharge. And the other way is to start to allow the feelings. And it's so interesting because, like one thing Barry Long said, like when you access a feeling at its root. It lasts seven or eight seconds.

Speaker 1: 46:48

Now I suddenly understood something, because I'd been told by therapists for years that I was emotionally blocked and da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da da. But what I realized was unbeknown to me I was accessing my feelings at the source. So in six, seven, eight seconds it would be gone. Now that was interpreted by me and therapists oh my gosh, she's blocked, but it's if you catch them in the beginning and follow them through. They move very quickly and many people know that because of my childhood and so on, I really repressed my tears, so I was always longing to cry and cry and cry and cry. And look, I have done that for sure, it's wonderful. But it's just that in some kind of situations it would come up and then just suddenly be gone. And then I understood it's six or seven, seven or eight seconds. And it's the same with anger, like if you access really on track with anger and you move it with it. It's amazing, you know, it's just like one blast of your body. I remember one situation where was it the?

Speaker 1: 47:59

boyfriend of mine and da-da-da-da. We've been going on and then suddenly he turned to me and I was trying to be very I knew he was emotional. Now it's been very balanced and everything and then suddenly he turned and said you and I won't go into all the details but he said and you are, and I just like exploded in anger.

Speaker 1: 48:17

But, it was amazing. I just shot up to the roof and came down on my feet and it was gone. So it was just like this pure explosion of energy. And so one thing with anger is always good to turn from a person. So you never even that it's pure, you know, it's strong, you never. You know. If you suddenly feel anger is moving, you just turn away, because in some therapies they do use somebody as a person. You know, like this is maybe your father and I'll beat a cushion or something, and so you're directing anger towards. You see, the thing is, anger in his purity is beautiful and it can save your life. You know, I also remember a situation in London underground and it was very late at night and I heard some of his like very long dark tunnels and gloomy tunnels in London especially, you know, 40 years ago, and I heard somebody walking behind me quite deliberately and shaking some keys, you know.

Speaker 1: 49:22

So I turned around and there was a man flashing with an erection and whatever, and honestly I just got such a shock that I let out this like roar, which literally like blasted him away, and then he just kind of, like you know, turned and went. But thank God, you know I'm not saying it's gonna guarantee, but it's a guarantee to protection. But just that energy is a healthy energy it's. When we don't allow it, you know, then it goes toxic and anger is very toxic and you know we just don't need to go into all the details about. You know what's happening on the anger level in the relationships and so on. So start to stay abreast with feelings like if you love somebody, tell them.

Speaker 1: 50:08

You know, I had experiences like with certain boyfriends along the way who's like, oh, I don't wanna show that because you know, then he knows how plugged in I am. Then you feel depressed a little bit later. Or tears come and you like in our society people are so fast to brush away tears and apologize like, oh, I'm so sorry. You know, like you often see that in television, in reality shows or interviews and so on, just allow the tears. And this is where it's easier for women than men because of the male conditioning.

Speaker 1: 50:44

And again, men are not responsible. It's just we live in this really crazy society where men have to be, have to armor themselves, you know, to be a real man. And so we always like say to men you know, because men have as many feelings as women, they're as sensitive as women. It's just they have had to, you know, put up little barriers so here, allowing the feelings sharing, you know, and one thing I think that's really helpful within a couple is that couples don't talk too much about the past to really, you know, a lot of talking is always about the past or sometimes the future. But going over things, you know, just let the past go and start to like establish something more grounded, you know, in the present.

Speaker 2: 51:41

This is one follow up question I'd like to ask to what you were sharing with relationship to the sexual exchange, more conscious sex. If a couple find themselves in a scenario where an emotion is arriving, if they're trying to be more conscious in their sex life and they find themselves in the scenario where an emotion is arising in the moment, I decided to ask what the best steps are for them to deal with that. It might be an unexpected emotion. It might, you know, not seem to have context to what's happening.

Speaker 1: 52:11

Yes, it's just good to say I feel disconnected now, like if it's a feeling, you know, it can be great sadness to allow through. So if it's really coming up in a feeling level not to disconnect, if the penis is inside, stay there because the penis is triggering a purification and so try and stay and just let it through. But if it has come to the disconnect where it's more like in an emotional way, then just to say but somehow stay together, Like for me. I remember like anger came up a few times and I would just separate from the man and then just go and stand next to the bed and just jump, jump, jump, jump. You know, hoo, hoo, hoo, arms in the air coming down on my heels and just then and there burn it up. But if you know, sometimes things come up from every corner. You don't actually know, you know. Then you just say look, something important is coming up, I need time for myself. You stay here in bed, I'm coming back, so you could still, you know, find a way to work with it or stay together. But the one person is just working through it on their own.

Speaker 1: 53:22

One thing that is important is not really so. We find that it's not so important to understand what's going on in the sense of what is being triggered, where is it coming from. So some people like to talk about it afterwards and really analyze where, what is the trigger points and so on. We don't think that's so helpful. I think you might get an insight and oh, that's what it is and that's different. But you don't need to know where it's coming from, especially when you kind of in the process. You don't want to distract yourself by thinking, you know, going into thought of what is this, is this? Was my father beating you physically as a kid, or because of my sexual boundaries? You just want to stay with the body and let the body, you know, purify.

Speaker 1: 54:14

But there's some therapy say well, it's good to understand each other's trigger points, but I think, I think that I would like, I wouldn't like to know all my partners trigger points, because then I'd be like walking around, you know, on eggs, trying not to push his buttons. But that's just me. I mean, some people might find it helpful, but I think the main point there is that you don't need to know what's going on, just work through, come back into love, into the present. Definitely, like I said previously, it gets shorter, the fuse gets shorter and shorter and shorter. The main thing is to start recognizing, and it can be two days before you really recognize and acknowledge.

Speaker 3: 55:07

To bring things full circle, might you contextualize love in relation to emotions here?

Speaker 1: 55:14

Well, it's really this thing that love is a state of being and it's. We are born in love and our essence is love. Now, many of us are separated from that essence because of fear, because fear and love are opposites, and most people are living in a state of fear from outside reasons and so we disconnected from that love. But just to understand that love is always there, what we need to do is nourish that love and protect it from our emotionality. It's very clear, especially when you start to make love consciously, that you start to have ah, it's, love is a state of being, and when you start also to recognize how love feels and we kind of think love is a lot to do with the other person. But actually you are love. You are love and you know. If you are love, then of course you're going to love somebody else, but you are the source.

Speaker 2: 56:14

What a fantastic note, diana, to bring things to a close on. I love that Really powerful statement. We'd love you to share, as we move to a close here, any upcoming projects or classes or ways people can reach you.

Speaker 1: 56:29

Well, sweet, thank you. Look, you know, I'm doing my workshops in Switzerland it's far away from where you are and projects I'm trying to do less and less, but you know, 70 soon and not that I'm retiring or anything.

Speaker 1: 56:45

But yeah, people can find me on my website, living lovecom or loveforcouplescom and really suggest to read my book, this Tantric Love Feeling Versus Emotions, or on my website. I've got three interviews and one of them is about emotions so they could listen to something similar again. But it really really helps and I know a lot of people psychologists, even many come to our group and they like often a bit stunned like, oh my God, I'm wrapped up in 45 minutes, one hour what we actually can take really a long time to convey to somebody or understand. So it's a bit of, it's really a shortcut, and so we had in all the books there's a chapter on this, but then pulled it out to this to make a separate book because not everybody's going to find that information in the lovemaking books. It's something that applies to families. I mean people give it to each other's presence A good Christmas present. Okay, well, look, it's been so nice to see you again and thank you very much. Love your inputs and your shareings and what you're doing over there.

Speaker 2: 58:02

Thank you, dana. A real pleasure and such an important topic today. You know, I know so many people will benefit from this content and the other resources you've shared, so thank you.

Speaker 1: 58:11

Well, thank you, ler, much love.

Speaker 3: 58:16

Thanks for listening to the episode. What really supports the podcast is providing a rating and review of the show on your preferred listening platform. This helps us get the message out to a wider audience. If the topics we discussed today appeal to you, do take a moment to subscribe. Lastly, we invite you to check out our website, fielddynamicshealingcom, to learn about our training programs, private session work and to see how we're setting the standard in contemporary energy healing. Many thanks and see you next time.