Episode 73 - The Case of the Mistaken Identity of Your Future Self
Yes, I have read a lot of murder mysteries. My brain loves them.
So today’s title is definitely a nod to Arthur Conan Doyle, Agatha Christie and all the other epic detective writers.
We’ve got a missing person case - and an identity mixup.
But let’s peddle back a bit first.
You’re here because you want to change.
You know that your life can be better.
And a lot of coaching teaches you to
=> decide who you want to become
=> visualise it as often and as vividly as you can
=> start acting ‘as-if’ and live into it
=> take action for it to become a reality
Well, that is all very lovely in theory.
But to most smart humans, the question of ‘Who they want to become’ is a massive mystery.
They don’t have a cookie-cutter dream of spending the rest of their life poolside with a pina colada.
And they also don’t have a clear alternative.
So this whole prescription of getting a better life actually fails to work right at the first step you’re supposed to take.
Now you may have taken this step anyway - but mistaken someone else’s identity for yours.
You have seen so many similar versions of ‘dream lives’ on social media, in popular culture, etc. that you may think that this is what you SHOULD be desiring.
The villa, the travel, the expensive cars or handbags.
Your future self is someone else’s idea of a future self.
Or, more accurately: it’s an advertiser's idea of a future self.
No wonder you have a hard time visualising it - let alone taking action for it to become a reality.
You’re trying to work towards a future self that isn’t what you truly desire.
(BTW check out my podcast Episode 48 troubleshooting visualisation about internalised oppression etc.)
So the missing person case is this: we need to find YOU.
What do YOU truly want and desire for yourself?
Underneath all the cultural conditioning, peer pressure and other people’s shoulds - what do YOU want for YOU?
Now it may be hard to access this because of trauma - in which case I strongly advise you to work through that with a therapist first.
It may also be hard to access your true desire because you’re so accustomed to helping other first.
It may not even be in your mental vocabulary to want things ‘just’ for you.
And to want them ‘just because’.
Not because they’re strategically smart.
Not because they’re good for your growth.
Not because they’re beneficial for your family.
Because you fucking want them.
(BTW if this is you you also want to check out episode 35 - optimising for the wrong things).
I have a deep desire for art and beauty in my life, for example.
I could try and justify that (and probably do a pretty good job too), but I don’t need to.
I get to decide what I want - and I don’t need to explain or justify my desires to anyone else.
The same goes for you.
Maybe you have a deep desire for simplicity and safety.
Then a future self who is the CEO of a multi-million dollar company with apartments around the globe probably is a case of mistaken identity.
Instead, I want you to start dreaming about the most delightful shapes simplicity and safety can take for you - and build your vision for your future self from there.
Maybe you yearn for complexity and excitement instead.
Same drill.
And if desire is too triggering, longing may be an easier place to start.
It’s less intense to consider.
So ask yourself:
What do you long for?
What do you wistfully wish you had more of?
Here are some from my list:
More walks on the beach.
More time looking at art.
More time reading books and poetry.
More time teaching.
More time thinking and writing.
More time creating art.
More time making music.
More amazing people to work and play with.
So my future self probably wants to be near the sea and have art, or easy access to museums.
I also see a library with comfy chairs and a schedule with lots of what I call ‘flexitime’ - time to do whatever I feel like.
A piano.
People to sing with.
I see lots of travel around the world to teach and look at even more art.
A studio, art supplies.
And a network of smart, gifted, inspiring people to play with across the globe.
Now these are all things I can visualise - and the clearer I get on this, the more I can lean into it and start making it real.
My future self is no longer missing.
If you long for a better life, I invite you to do the same.
Lean into your longing.
Start building that vision of your future self from what YOU want.
Treat it as a living, breathing, evolving thing (just like you yourself are).
And visit with it as often as you like.
Case closed.
Have a beautiful week.
Else a.k.a. Coach Kramer
Want to fall back in love with your life and work? Then I can help. DM me on LinkedIn, or Instagram to learn how you can work with me, or email me via podcast@elsekramer.com.
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