Episode 74 - Bridging the Gap between Knowing and Doing - My Coaching Philosophy
Hello smart human!
If you’re listening to this I think it’s safe to say that you’ve read or listened to lots of books to help you figure out life, the Universe, and everything.
You may even have a heap of degrees, certifications, and diplomas in all kinds of things that theoretically should allow you to be a Master or Mistress of the Universe by now.
And yet, here you are.
You think you know what you SHOULD be doing - but you’re not doing it.
So what gives?
Are you maybe a bit stupid after all?
If not, then why the hell is it so hard to make this thing called life WORK?
OK.
Let’s figure out all the possible reasons why it’s not working (and no, you being stupid is not one of those).
First up: tools, strategies, and modalities that work for a person with a brain that fits nicely in the middle part of the Bell curve (i.e. that is average) may not work for you with your unique mind.
And it’s not just your mind that we need to take into account: there’s also your personal history, (neuro)biology, physiology and nervous system.
You are unique in SO many ways and probably an outlier in more than one.
So a tool that everybody raves about may not work for you.
OR - and this is equally likely - the person that APPLIES the tool, i.e. the coach, therapist, etc. you’re working with, doesn’t really know how to use it on people with brains like yours.
So if something that seems to be universally accepted as insanely useful, effective, smart and so on doesn’t work for you: do NOT make yourself wrong.
Check: is this tool being wielded by the right person?
And is this tool right for ME, at this moment in time?
I’ll give you a specific example so you can see how this works in real life.
I know it can be incredibly effective for some people to make a list of ALL their projects and to-do’s, and then put everything on their calendar.
And it sounds super smart - you no longer need to stress about whether something is going to get done, because it’s on your calendar.
And you also don’t need to stress or dither about what you should be doing at any moment in time, because you simply need to check your calendar, and do the thing that’s on there.
Makes perfect sense!
Except…to my brain…that sounds like a complete nightmare.
Not just because I always want to do at least a million more things than fit into a lifetime, and doing this exercise would then turn into a very stark reminder of my limited time on the planet - which is another reason to run away from it.
That I could manage my mind around - albeit with a lot of effort.
But the main thing is that having my entire life mapped out, even if only the next three months or so, feels TERRIBLE.
To me, knowing exactly what I am going to be doing kind of kills my will to live.
To my brain, predictability = boredom = imprisonment in the worst possible way.
So this tool, which works well for others, for me is a complete motivation-killer.
Does that mean the tool is wrong? No.
Does that mean that if a coach would force me to do this, the coach is wrong? Yes.
Does it mean that if I force ME to do this, or hate myself for not doing it, or for trying it and not being able to make it work, I AM WRONG?
100%.
Never assume that something should work for you and your smart mind - apply critical enquiry instead.
But let’s say you know a tool or strategy DOES work with your brain.
That applying it in your daily life would make a massive difference.
If only you could get yourself to do it.
Now this is a point where, again, a lot of people get stuck.
They know that they could do this thing that would be insanely helpful - and yet they cannot bring themselves to do it.
Obviously, they must be lazy.
Or broken.
Or - so fun - both.
And then off they go into a downward spiral of self-deprecation.
Why?
Again, because of faulty assumptions.
They assume that the only possible explanation for them not using the tool or applying the strategy is that they SUCK.
That the gap they experience between theory and application makes THEM stupid, bad, faulty, etc.
But this is a very binary thought about a very non-binary process.
And I think the way some coaching and other schools teach their strategies is, sadly, very binary and enforces this way of thinking.
Often, the messaging is: ‘Our way is the best way’.
‘Or method or model or tool solves ALL the things.’
So if your problems are not solved after learning from them or working with one of their coaches, YOU must be doing it wrong.
And off you go, on to the utterly depressing and disempowering path of self-blame.
In my experience, it’s a lot more complicated than most gurus and coaching schools would have you believe.
This is how I look at coaching, at you, as a human being, and at problem-solving when you get stuck. In other words: this is MY coaching philosophy.
And an excellent opportunity to quote Walt Whitman (whom I strongly recommend you check out, if you haven’t already):
Do I contradict myself? /
Very well then, I contradict myself. /
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)”
You are large.
You contain multitudes.
And - adding a bit of my own to Whitman - Deep down inside / You know best.
So before you get to work with a tool or strategy, you need to figure out which part of the multitudes you’re going to work with.
Now to make my work a bit more easier, I’ve reduced your multitudes to these different arenas:
- Conscious
- Subconscious
- Brain and Body Chemistry
- Emotions
- Nervous system
Does everything you ARE fit neatly in these five categories?
Absolutely not. They are neither all-encompassing nor clear-cut.
There is interconnectedness and there are overlaps (one of the reasons my work is so exciting). So we always want to take a holistic approach.
But when we look at a lot of tools used in coaching and healing, these mostly apply to one specific category:
- Thought work, mindset, etc: Conscious
- Hypnotherapy, art therapy, etc.: Subconscious
- Drugs, diet, supplements, etc.: Brain /Body Chemistry
- Emotional processing & agility: Emotions
- Somatic practice: Nervous system
And this is where the mismatch occurs.
Where you TRY SO HARD to change something and yet you cannot bring yourself to do it.
You’re trying to use thought work to change something that resides in your subconscious.
Or you’re using drugs/diet to solve emotional problems.
I think you get the picture.
You are a beautiful, complex being, with a beautiful complex mind which means, that, basically, notwithstanding your deep desire for clear cut solutions…
IT IS COMPLICATED.
So next time you notice that you’re trying to use a tool or strategy, but can’t make yourself do it, instead of beating yourself up, you want to check:
=> does this tool and/or the person handling it work with my specific brain?
=> am I mixing up my categories?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes, pause.
And figure out what tool in which category, or which coach or therapist would be a much better fit - rather than making yourself wrong.
Have a beautiful week.
Else a.k.a. Coach Kramer
Want to fall back in love with your life and work? Then I can help. DM me on LinkedIn, or Instagram to learn how you can work with me, or email me via podcast@elsekramer.com.
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