Episode 75 - No, you’re not ‘too much’ or ‘too intense’.
Hello smart human!
This week we look at what happens when you bump up against people who aren’t used to your way of being in the world.
If you have been told ‘you’re too much or ‘you're so intense’ or to ‘dial it down a bit’, this podcast Episode is for you.
First of all, let’s get something very clear.
If someone remarks on your way of being, they’re actually remarking on how their own thoughts about your way of being make you feel.
They have a reference frame, a belief system, a history that makes them look at the world through a certain lens.
We all do.
Let’s say my lenses are ‘Else-coloured lenses’.
Dolly has ‘Dolly-tinted’ lenses.
Deepak has ‘Deepak-tinted’ lenses. And so on.
You get the picture.
So when someone tells you ‘you’re too intense’ what they’re actually saying is something like: ‘when I view you through my lenses, you come over as intense in a way that makes me uncomfortable’.
Now you may be thinking this is all just a lot of wordplay but no, this is massively important.
Because there is no such thing as ‘being too intense’.
Being too intense for what? For whom? In what context?
There is a person, who, in a specific situation, feels uncomfortable about the way you manifest yourself.
Good to know.
Do NOT make this mean that something about you is wrong.
You may have done so in the past.
This may actually be the reason that you only show up as 50% of yourself - which is a damn shame.
There is nothing wrong with you.
Again, some people have thoughts about you that make them uncomfortable in some situations.
Would it be better if you didn’t?
Maybe.
It would definitely be easier.
But fact is: you do.
And to be honest, my way of being tends to infuriate some people.
Even the fact that I talk about people being ‘smart’ makes some humans mad.
In University, there was a girl in my Halls of Residence who couldn’t stand the sight of me. Something about me infuriated her.
I’ve had the same effect on teachers.
Apparently, there are people who have thoughts about me that make them mad, or angry, or frustrated.
Would my life be easier if this wasn’t the case?
Probably!
But does this mean I need to try and not ‘upset’ people?
To tone myself down?
Absolutely not.
I am not ‘too much’.
Their thoughts about me are ‘too much’.
Now of course I cannot force them to change their thoughts about me (which, although sometimes a bit frustrating, is a good thing).
So my job is to learn to be OK with them not being OK about the way I am.
My job is NOT to make THEM feel OK.
Now you may be wondering here, can’t you just be a little bit forthcoming?
As in, does it hurt to tone it down a bit?
Again: context is massively important here.
We’re assuming you’re not being intentionally hurtful.
Maybe you were a bit blunt without realising it - in that case you may want to reconsider your wording for next time.
But if someone gets upset because you’re being your smart self, why would you consider ‘toning it down’?
Do you expect other people to ‘smarten up’ so you can feel better?
Of course you don’t.
You try to be a decent human being and understand where they’re coming from.
And they can do the same.
They can get curious, and marvel at your - to them - rather alien intensity or interests.
Or they can get curious about what it is in them that you’re triggering - and how they can heal that.
If they’re not willing to look at their thoughts and perceptions - why should you adapt your behaviour?
Yes, sometimes you may strategically want to downplay your strengths.
That’s a whole other discussion.
But it’s incredibly harmful to do this, to ask yourself to shrink, to fit in the tiny space that others want you to fit in, for a prolonged period of time.
So check in with yourself and ask:
Where am I playing small?
Where am I shutting myself down?
Where am I not speaking up?
Where am I hiding my light?
Start noticing - and then notice that you are trying to mod yourself into something that makes other people feel OK.
You are not Barbappa.
You need to be your glorious self.
Think of three ways in which you can step into that over the coming week - and share your glorious intensity with the world.
Have a beautiful week.
Else a.k.a. Coach Kramer
Want to fall back in love with your life and work? Then I can help. DM me on LinkedIn, or Instagram to learn how you can work with me, or email me via podcast@elsekramer.com.
Thank you for listening to the Managing the Smart Mind Podcast, I love that at
the time of recording this, there are smart humans listening in 99 countries!
I really appreciate you - do send me any questions or requests for topics you have. And if you enjoy the podcast I’d love for you to give it a five-star review so other smart humans can find it - thank you!