EPISODE 13 - SPIDER DIAGRAM Part 1 - Feelings
In this and the next episode we explore how to use a SD
with the help of the Holy Spirit,
to continue the process of bringing inner healing and freedom to our story.
DEALING WITH PAIN TAKES COURAGE
We dislike to see people in pain. We tend to try and make things better for them. God’s view is different.
He wants to release pain because it surrounds the site of a hidden wound that needs to be uncovered, to be healed
What is a SPIDER DIAGRAM?
This tool can be used to understand major occurrences in our lives and it also helps us gain insights into the way we respond
to anything that concerns us in the here and NOW.
The Spider diagram teaches us self-awareness and creates
an understanding how we experience life in our inner world.
It is a tool of the Holy Spirit and He uses it to transform us:
You will find that each one you do, will be significant.
Let us just consider a quick overview before looking at the detail.
Imagine a Spider’s web - draw a centre circle with 3 sectioned, radiating rings - a classic spider’s web. Then we will learn the to fill it in by
1. writing the issue that concerns us in the centre of the SD. Then radiating outward
2. In the inner ring you record your feelings.
3. In the middle ring record what you believe about yourself as a result of the issue
4. In the outer ring what choices and behaviours have been your response.
5. Finally, Reflect with the Holy Spirit on what you have written
Lets start looking at this in more detail. Firstly THE CENTRAL FOCUS
In the centre of the SD we write the matter that has caught our attention. The trigger may be an unexpected emotion, a disturbing event,
an ongoing fear, the effect of a relationship,
indeed anything that is occupying our thoughts negatively.
It may be a small irritant or a life issue.
By reflecting on the matter and recording our feelings, thinking and choices
that are flowing from the concern we get an overview
of the impact it is exerting on our lives.
This allows the Holy Spirit to speak into what is revealed, helping us to understand the lies we have believed about ourselves, opening up choices for us to realign ourselves
with God’s thinking and to be changed.
WRITE THE issue that concerns you IN THE CENTRE OF THE D.
Now we need to fill in THE FIRST LAYER OF THE SD -with the feelings that arise as a consequence
HOLD THE FEELINGs THAT GOD HAS BROUGHT TO THE SURFACE surrounding it FEEL the THE WEIGHT AND THE POWER OF them.
IT MAY HELP TO LOOK AT YOUR TIMELINE CAN YOU REMEMBER AN EVENT WHEN YOU FELT LIKE THAT IN THE PAST ? ASK THE HOLY SPIRIT TO HELP YOU
Stick with it, try and be back in the circumstances that surrounded the issue. Get in touch with what was going on inside you and feel the feelings again. Name the feelings and write them in your diagram in the inner layer
We are going to spend the rest of this podcast UNDERSTANDing SOMETHING OF OUR FEELINGS
God created us with feelings to enrich our lives but the reality for most of us seems very different.
Dealing with troublesome feelings is a life skill that is rarely taught. We learn as very young children to bury pain and negative feelings
but they still have life and remain with us even though
we are not aware of them …. until they begin to escape and invade our lives.
We do not choose our feelings they are a response
to our perceived experience of life and events.
THE PROBLEM OF BURIED PAIN
The circumstances of our life mold us.
Before we are born in the womb, we are picking up messages. Everything we have ever experienced is filed away in our memories
and each experience has feelings attached to it.
We do not like pain so we bury it but that is akin to burying a bag of ferrets. Feelings have life of their own and it takes a gym full of energy
to keep them down in our unconscious.
Many people have depression in their forties and fifties as
they run out of the energy needed to keep the ferrets quiet.
The problem is when we bury feelings, we tend to bury all feelings If you cannot feel pain you cannot feel joy.
Being detached from our feelings we begin to act out a part,
trying to get the love we crave and to feel okay about ourselves, yet we act out what we think others need to see.
Thus, the gap between the person we show to the outside world
and the truth of what is within us grows wider as the years go by. How different was the example of Jesus, He was authentic. He acknowledged and owned His feelings and expressed them;
there was a true connection between His inner world and
His response to the outward circumstances of His life.
We cannot choose our feelings; they are what they are but we can choose what we do with them.
The truth is that understanding our feelings is a life skill
that enhances our ability to form rich relationships.
So HOW DO I DEAL WITH FEELINGS in a HEALTHY WAY ?
1. TUNE INTO YOUR FEELINGS
Begin to grow your awareness of what is going on within you. Stop and ask yourself, “What do I feel?”
Reflect on circumstances,
try and name the feelings they produce in you
2. OWN THEM – Owning your feelings is key, no-one makes you feel. Not “You made me feel sad.” but “I am sad.” This is my sadness.
We need to take responsibility for our own feelings.
3. FEEL THEM
This allows you to deal with them now and not to bury a ticking time bomb. We have learnt through life to run away from our feelings,
instead we need turn and walk into them. Acknowledge how bad or good they are, stick with them AND
4. THEN EXPRESS THEM – release the power and energy of feelings safely and responsibly.
We are masters of off-loading our feelings onto others
but we need to take responsibility for their safe disposal.
5. LET THEM GO - often a process and some physical action helps, dig the garden, hug a tree, write, sing STAND UNDER THE WATERFALL in the shower AND WASH THEM OUT.
6. DEAL WITH ANY ISSUES RAISED
When you have let the energy of your feelings go,
you can bring your mind to bear on what was going on for you,
what triggered the feelings and deal with the issues exposed.
Do a Spider Diagram
Most of us have a bag of ferrets of pain and difficult feelings buried within us but it is finite; they can be released and we can be free of their influence.
DIFFICULT EMOTIONS
Outside the Waterfall we look to our cisterns to provide us with those needs we were designed to have met in relationship with the Father. What’s in our bucket? What do we falsely rely on to fill our tanks with living water? Our need is for three things that we are designed to have fulfilled by God :-
LOVE and BELONGING - to be fully accepted and loved absolutely, in a place of security and safety, a home.
VALUE and WORTH – to be recognized as being of value, respected and listened to, to be secure in our identity.
MEANING and PURPOSE – to be significant, to make a difference, to aspire and to accomplish.
THERE ARE 3 CLASSES OF DIFFICULT EMOTIONs that can be helpful to the understanding of our story. They are ANGER, ANXIETY and SHAME. Each is a continum going from a relatively small feeling and
escalates up to an explosion that threatens to overwhelm us.
Each reaction is subjective and involutary you cannot choose your feelings, they are a response out of your inner landscape
to the way you perceive a situation.
How much we feel is dependent on how important the issue
that generates the emotion, is to us.
Always the goal of our behaviour is to have our needs met.
If we are not going to the source, our Father for our need
for love, value and purpose we go to the bucket down our well
where we believe our idols will deliver our needs.
ANGER is one of the biggest threats to relationships. and is one of the most uncomfortable feelings
because it can be volcanic and can seem to come out of nowhere.
In society today, anger is defining life.
Domestic and street violence and the blame culture may seem obvious examples but the use of drugs and self-harming are examples of
how anger without expression, can be turned inward with destructive energy.
ANGER happens when we are prevented from reaching something
that we believe we need. In our driveness we find our way is BLOCKED.
A small blockage irritates us: a significant one enrages us.
The cry of our heart goes from This is annoying bother!
To white hot fury which is beyond rational thinking.
The second difficult emotion is Anxiety and can be a state in which many people live, in today’s world because of all its uncertainties. Anxiety can cripple people from living life to the full.
ANXIETY also happens when we are UNCERTAIN in a particular situation - we do not know whether we will reach the bucket and are uncertain we going to have our needs met. The continuum goes from concern for a minor need to outright panic where there is a big fear.
The third difficult emotion is SHAME and IS ABOUT WHO WE ARE. SHAME arises when we believe our needs can never be met,
our well and bucket are UNREACHABLE.
Again it is a state to some degree for all of us,
Here is the toxic shame we spoke of previously, picked up in infancy
and added to through the ensuing years, that makes us compellingly
believe we are less than everyone else, unworthy of having our needs met.
We cannot accept praise or love because we know we don’t deserve it
this leads us to experience life as victims.
In a situation on the lesser end of the scale we might feel embarassment. The extreme end of the scale can lead to despair and suicide
The absence of HOPE with any of these difficult emotions can lead to depression.
FILL IN YOUR FEELINGS ON THE SPIDER DIAGRAM
Engage with the central issue, immerse yourself in the situation where you first experienced your problem. Ask the Holy Spirit’s help to identify what was going on for you. Fill in the inner layer with the feelings that have impacted your life, both those that arose at the time and since.
In the following Episode we will complete looking at how
to fill the SD with the 2 remaining layers thinking and choices.
