EPISODE 14 The SPIDER DIAGRAM 2 - THINKING and CHOICES
In the previous episode we began to see how to use a SD
in co-operation with the Holy Spirit in order to understand our story. In this episode we continue the process
of bringing inner healing and freedom
by looking at the completion of the diagram
filling in the thinking and choices that arise
from the issue that is concerning us.
So far we have drawn a spider’s web with a centre and
3 sectioned, radiating rings and in the central circle
we have written the issue that we need illuminating.
We then spent time connecting to the feelings that it generated
both at the time and now and wrote these in the first layer.
Now our task is to capture our thinking.
What beliefs have we picked up about ourselves as a result of this experience or what beliefs has it confirmed for us.
Before the Fall our thinking was in harmony with the mind and character of the Father, outside of the Waterfall of His presence the selfishness driving us to get our needs met distorted this oneness.
It is the result of eating the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil
that we think we know best, right from wrong, good from bad.
This distortion of our thinking leads to us to play God
and to suffer much pain as a consequence.
It is our thinking that is the engine which drives our choices and behaviour and then interprets our experience.
THE BIBLE IS VERY CLEAR THAT TRANSFORMATION IS NEEDED.
Ephesians 4:22-24
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
In this transformation we will come into harmony with the Father and this will align us once again with the Father’s will and purpose.
Romans 12:2
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is —his good, pleasing and perfect will.
WE HAVE SPOKEN BEFORE ABOUT US BEING COMPLICATED
Like an iceberg is nine tenths under the surface
so when we experience a feeling,
there is a complicated belief system out of sight,
that is causing that emotion on the surface.
All beliefs, expectations, attitudes, decisions, agreements and oaths
that do not agree with GOD’s word, nature or character are lies
and are ungodly and sinful.
We have much thinking to straighten out but there is hope
we are going to learn in future episodes how
by the renewing of our mind we are set free.
Meanwhile it is a revelation to exercise your self awareness
and to examine at the end of the day
how your belief system has impacted your day.
How many judgements have you made?
How many negative thoughts have you entertained
about your family? Neighbours? The Church? The Government?
Has your thinking been in line with the character, the nature
and the Word of God?
Our minds are the battleground where we need to hold
and stand on God’s truths .
It is the place where the enemy will seek to defeat us
by robbing us of the life and freedom that comes
with the renewing of our minds.
So where did we start picking up the distorted BELIEFS ABOUT OURSELVES ?
We pick up beliefs about ourselves from the moment we are born and before. The first questions a baby asks are ‘Am I safe?’ and ‘Can I trust big people?’.
As newborn babies we were designed to be 100% loved and
when our experience falls short of God’s intention we know it;
It is not always an indication of the amount of love and care offered
but also the circumstance, experiences, poverty, wars, accidents, and illness that surround childhood play a part.
The little person sees themselves as being the cause
of their negative experience, ‘Bad things happen to me because I am a bad person.’ They cannot reason as an adult can: they do not see the bigger picture of why big people are not delivering 100%.
Our observations as little people are neither accurate nor objective,
they are negative and absolute e.g. ‘I am unloveable’ or ‘I am unsafe’.
These beliefs become the criteria through which we assess our progress
in the world as we grow up.
It is like putting on a pair of tinted glasses with our belief colouring the lenses.
If I believe ‘I am unloveable’, every experience is coloured by that belief
and that skews how I inhabit an experience,
what I take from it and how I respond to it.
Once we take a belief on board we hoover up evidence that
confirms its truth in our minds.
Foundational beliefs about ourselves, picked up in the first few years of life, are buried in our unconscious, and drive our experience of life.
However, we have no awareness of them as they are carried with us through the years, until they are disputed and replaced.
They colour the way we experience life minute by minute,
they underpin the choices we make and become self-fulfilling prophecies. Believing ‘I am unloveable’ means that in relationships
I never start from a confident place.
I always see myself as less than others and therefore, less deserving of love.
I do not believe you will love me, thus I have a barrier
to receiving love before a relationship begins.
Uncovering these lies is the key to transformation.
For when we recognize the lies we can dispute them
and it is by the renewing of our minds we shall be set free
on the journey towards wholeness.
LET US go back to the SD EXERCISE: Reflect on the event at the centre of your SD. Now on the middle layer of the Spider Diagram
FILL IN YOUR BELIEFS ABOUT YOURSELF
that were engendered or reinforced by your central issue.
You will find it helpful to make them statements beginning with ‘I’ where possible e.g. I’m a loser, I can’t trust anyone, I must win, I must keep everyone safe, I must be in control, I’ll never be any good.
CHOICES
Now we will look at the choices and behaviours that arise from the issue that is concerning us and complete the diagram
by filling in, the outer layer of the SD.
When it comes to our experience of life and relationships we are making choices all day, everyday.
What are we going to do, how are we going to react or respond to a situation?
Often when we are wounded it seems as though we are robbed of the ability to make choices in our life.
It is as though we are pre-programmed to follow a certain pattern governed by ‘I must’ or ‘I should’ and ‘I’ve got to”.
The behaviours that follow are driven by the beliefs seated in our unconscious. As a general rule all our behaviour will drive us to where we believe
our needs will be met.Part of our healing is to become aware
that we are choosing beings and can make healthy choices.
Jesus chose His response to situations rather than reacting to them.
INSTINCTIVE REACTIONS
When confronted with a danger, which may be physical but may be emotional or psychological or anything that we perceive holds threat for us, we have three instinctive reactions that may kick in, remembered by the three ‘F’s’ they are FIGHT, FLIGHT OR FREEZE.
EXERCISE
Reflect on situations in your life where you have faced circumstances that have brought forth each of these instinctive reactions in you. On reflection was it an appropriate reaction? Did it serve its purpose? In hindsight could you have responded in a different way? Reflect on the difference between reacting and responding.
WE MAKE TWO SORTS OF CHOICES
FIRSTLY, we do things to try and protect ourselves, to survive. These are our defence mechanisms.
We build a cage of behaviours to make ourselves feel safe.
We can hide away behind shyness, humour, aggression, denial, fantasy, hypochondria, spirituality,control and withdrawal. The list of our defences is endless as we are very creative about the way we protect ourselves. They give us the illusion that we are safe and that no-one will find out the big secret that we are only acting out being okay.
SECONDLY, we have seen that when outside the Waterfall, at our very core, we all have emptiness. The second set of choices we make is designed
to try and fill the void and to try make us feel good about ourselves
thus, masking that emptiness inside.
We often strive to be the best in some area; the perfect parent,
the perfect Christian or the most spiritual, the one who never says ‘no’;
or we go for status, for being the top of the pile.
If the world thinks we are great it must be so.
Then we use all sorts of ways to fill the ache inside: chocolate, sex, drugs, shopping, job, car, status, alcohol, the newest gadgets, celebrity and fame.
EXERCISE Now fill in the third layer of the Spider Diagram with the
behaviours and choices that you make as a consequence of the central issue.
EXERCISE
Now with the SD complete spend sometime with the Holy Spirit reflecting on what you see. Don’t rush this, mull it over, expect the Holy Spirit to give you insights.
Reflect on behaviours and choices you have made to get through life. As you look at the diagram what is the overall way you have responded to the need in you? What behaviours do you observe? What stands out about your reaction to the pain? Were your choices ones that Jesus would have made? How do they differ? What do you think God would have you change?
Take special note of the effect of your thinking. Does it line up with what God says about you.
Talking through a Spider Diagram with someone you trust can be invaluable.
These 2 tools , the timeline and the SD help us open our awareness of an area of woundedness within. Ultimately what we are seeking to find from the SD is What is the biggest lie we have believed about ourselves?
Then led by the Holy Spirit the next tools help begin the transformation that comes as we exchange that lie for God’s truth.
REFLECT ON WHAT YOU HAVE LEARNED
Use the spider diagrams and your journal.
Often it is helpful just to talk things through a soul friend,
but sometimes we need more expertise from the listener.
