Episode 16 - CONFLICT AND FORGIVENESS
CONFLICT IS PART OF EVERY LIFE; it ripped its way into the fabric of our lives
when man chose to disobey His Father and
so disrupted the harmony of heaven’s way. Fomenting conflict is one of the devil’s favourite weapons because it destroys relationships.
CONFLICT seems to be increasing.
IT is about people wanting their own way,
to fight for their own patch, to defend their own truth.
Nations are more aggressive, people are more tribal
the streets of cities and towns are more and more dangerous.
INDIVIDUALLY WE MEET CONFLICT each day in the world that surrounds us. Partly, our woundedness skews our vision of the world
and partly our inner story dictates our responses to life.
Until we have inner healing we tend to react to circumstances
as victims or agents of harm .
IN RELATIONSHIPS CONFLICT occurs when 2 or more people have a differing view of circumstances, values or issues.
The difficulty is that we are all like icebergs,
so much is hidden beneath the surface.
An incident can be misunderstood because 2 people are in different zones, have different attitudes and prejudices
or the parties may just be hot, tired and grumpy.
The DAMAGE of conflict in relationships is ongoing if it is not rectified. When conflict erupts it can trigger the fight or flight automatic response in us. We react out of our woundedness.
Words that are later regretted and actions
that cannot easily be reversed happen.
Unless the difficulties caused in relationships are faced
even minor unresolved conflict can build hidden resentment
and be internally damaging to each individual.
Over the years this can fester into bitterness and destroy families, churches and working relationships.
How then do we deal with conflict ?
Well the issue that is at the root of the problem needs to be dealt with. HOW DO I DO THAT? BY CONFRONTATION and that will make many of us fearful because confrontation feels unsafe
and we spend much of our time avoiding unpleasantness.
The good news is, though it will still take courage there is a process we can learn as a life skill
to help us when the need for confrontation arises.
And you will be able to discover how dealing with conflict
in the home, church and workplace defuses so much of the stress in our lives.
So let us look at the HOW DO I DO THE THAT OF CONTRONTATION
• FIRSTLY Prepare well. Be sure you feel it is right to confront.
Ask the Holy Spirit.
• Never confront when you are angry or your feelings are raw.
• Own and deal with your energetic emotions, work through them so you understand why you feel and think as you do.
Did your response have historical threads for you. Be aware of your story
Identify what the issue is for you and re-run the event
and try and discern the others point of view
• Set a time and place to meet that is convenient and neutral.
Give them an indication of what you want to talk
about so that they have time to prepare themselves
• Relay in a non-accusatory way to the other person what you felt when the incident happened and its consequences for you.
Here you are talking objectively about your feelings
“I was angry when” and not
flinging the power of your anger in their face!
We learned to deal with feelings in a healthy way in Episode 13.
• Invite the other person to share what was going on for them “ I wonder what was happening for you on Saturday.”
• . Allow them to catch up, you have prepared for this.
They may need some time to reframe their position as you share yours.
Listen well to what they say. Acknowledge their feelings and position.
• Identify the issues that need to be dealt with
and the steps you will take to resolve them/
•. Let compassion and love in. What would Jesus say and do here?
Ask for forgiveness for your part
• Forgive, it is the oil that lubricates relationships and binds us together. Agree how to work on difficult issues.
This all takes courage, reaching out in vulnerability,
sharing the reality of the pain and the difficult feelings
we experience and working through it together
but this will strengthen relationships.
You will become known to each other and find
a safe person to be authentic with, a precious gift.
FORGIVENESS can reverse the damage and
can feed the growth of understanding,
love and compassion between the warring factions.
When Jesus delivered The Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7) we had God’s own word on how we can rectify the damage
and live righteous lives in His image and reflecting His glory.
TO UNDERSTAND FORGIVENESS WE HAVE TO UNDERSTAND SIN
JESUS CAME TO EARTH WITH FIXED PURPOSE To OVERCAME THE WORKS OF THE DEVIL
TO RESTORE THE BROKEN IMAGE
To BREAK THE POWER OF SIN
TO REVEAL THE RULE AND REIGN OF THE KINGDOM AND TO CREATE DISCIPLES
PRIOR TO HIS COMING, SIN HAD TO BE ATONED FOR BY SACRIFICE TO APPEASE THE LAW.
Sin was an action that broke a written rule
but in Matthew 5 Jesus is saying that our feelings, our anger can be wrong;
our judgements, our thinking can be wrong;
the way we do things, the choice of our behaviour,
how we pray or fast can be wrong. HE WAS SAYING IT IS WHAT GOES ON INSIDE US THAT CAUSES US TO SIN. When Jesus died on the Cross for us He was the bridge
for us to return into the presence of the Father
because His blood paid the price for all sin.
He was The Father’s rescue plan for mankind.
FOR RELATIONSHIPS TO AGAIN BE FREE FROM SIN.
Forgiveness flowing from the Cross is the greatest gift that Jesus gave us. It means we can be far from the finished article in the sanctification stakes
but still because of Jesus we can stand in the Father’s presence clothed in His righteousness,
clean and upright because of His blood.
And that each day we can start in freedom
without the burden of sin on our shoulders.
HOWEVER, THE KEY To seek forgiveness and to be forgiven is “Do I know when I have sinned?”
There is a general concept in the world that sin
is only about big things like theft and murder.
Even in the church there is a lack of understanding
of how full of sinful ways we are as unfortunately, sin and forgiveness are not taught about enough. It is as we grow closer to God we see how out of alignment to His person we are. Living outside of The Father’s presence, outside the Waterfall,
the lack of nourishment, the emptiness
and the fallen world organically changes us.
When we are back in the Waterfall we need a full overhaul,
a look at our physical world and inner world,
our thinking , feelings, our choices and our identity.
At every point where what we do, think, say and believe
is not aligned with God it is sin.
THE BEATITUDES IN MATTHEW 5 SCHOLARS BELIEVE ARE A LADDER towards maturity and holiness.
Each one is the step up to the next
5th is ‘Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy’ In being poor in spirit, mourning, meekness and thirsting for righteousness there is the growing awareness of the Kingdom values reshaping our image.
In the heart here of the true follower, is a growing sense of needing forgiveness and the imperative to forgive others.
SO FIRSTLY, THERE IS THE DAMAGE CAUSED BY LIFE IN THE FALLEN WORLD where we need to forgive and be forgiven as part of our restoration process
SECONDLY, UNDERSTANDING FORGIVENESS IS ESSENTIAL TO OUR GOING DEEPER INTO GOD ON THE JOURNEY TO HOLINESS
LETS EXPLORE FIRST FORGIVING OTHERS
When anyone harms us, a giant hook is inserted into the flesh of our shoulders with a chain that links us back to the perpetrator.
If we forgive the person, the hook comes out and
the link is broken and we are free.
However, in our unforgiveness many of us are bent double,
dragging a crowd of people behind us.
The effect of unforgiveness is toxic as we carry it around in our lives. It ferments within us and anger at our treatment can turn into bitterness.
The resentment can fuel a desire for revenge
or just can snag us up so that we stay in victim mode.
It can have physical repercussions on our health
and can retard the work of the Holy Spirit within us.
People change when they forgive. The weight comes off their shoulders. What did Jesus say?
He was uncompromising about two things - judgement and forgiveness. In ‘The Lord’s Prayer’ Matt 6: 14 – 15 Jesus makes forgiveness a command : For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins your Father
will not forgive your sins.
THIS IS BECAUSE Repentance and forgiveness are the oil that smooths the advance of the Kingdom.
Jesus could abide in the Father’s presence as He walked the earth because He was sinless and righteous.
How different are we but when we repent and are forgiven
we are washed clean and we too can abide
in the Waterfall of God’s love to live our lives.
Forgiveness is not easy.
When the disciples asked how many times they were to forgive, Jesus said “Seventy times seven”, in other words an unlimited number of times. I have always been so grateful for that.
When I am getting things wrong time and time again
there is no ticking clock. I have time to learn.
Forgiveness is a decision not a feeling but there follows a process which takes time to outwork as it changes us.
We were born to live free of the burden of sin and unforgiveness, which squash the divine shape we were born to fill
and would block us from the presence of the Father
but for the sacrifice of Jesus.
His blood is available to us that we might be washed and be clean and stand, clothed in His righteousness before the Father.
The blood of Jesus sets us free as we seek forgiveness.
In the next episode we will go through THE HOW DO I DO THAT? Step-by-step process of forgiveness.
In the meantime this week’s challenge:
Is there some issue between you and someone close to you
that needs resolution.
Share the ‘How do I do that of dealing with conflict’ with them
and use it to deal with the problem.
It gives a non-threatening way of learning together
which will draw you closer and enrich your relationship.
In addition it will give you confidence as it is another life skill
that can be used as we walk this earth to the Glory of God.
