EPISODE 17 - FORGIVENESS 2
IN THIS EPISODE WE are going to explore the practical steps to forgiveness. Jesus made it a command in the Lord’s Prayer
that we should forgive others that we might be forgiven.
This is because Jesus went to the Cross for us to be free of the crushing burden of sin and unforgiveness.
We are going to look at forgiving ourselves and forgiving others
As we embark on the WFJ there are likely to be 2 general areas of unforgiveness in our lives. The historical and the present.
As we are willing to let the Holy Spirit transform us
we will become aware of where and how we suffered hurt along the way. Specifically, as we have worked on the SD
we may well have uncovered more in our story of the actions of others that caused us harm. Wherever we carry pain
there is likely to be relationship problems lurking in the background.
So HOW DO I DO THAT?FORGIVE OTHERS
1. ACKNOWLEDGE we are all sinners.
We all start in the same place as sinners saved by grace
and we all need forgiveness because
we have picked up sinful thinking, choices and behaviours
living in the fallen world.
No-one is immune.
Therefore, as we look on those who have harmed us
it is really helpful to remember those words of Jesus in Luke 6:37-38:
Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured to you.
Frankly, we might feel nothing like complying at this stage but no matter,
just acknowledging we too are sinners is the start.
2. DECIDE TO FORGIVE remembering FORGIVENESS IS A DECISION NOT A FEELING
If we wait to feel okay about forgiving another person we may never do it. BUT We learnt in the last episode that where there is unforgiveness in our life there is a hook and chain linking us back to the perpetrator. AND, even if you are forgiving through gritted teeth
and only in obedience to the command of Jesus,
release will come to you as the hook comes out of your flesh.
Once the decision to forgive has been made, it allows God to work in us though it may take considerable time to work through our feelings. However, you HAVE obeyed Jesus and you can leave judgement to Him. We are all going to be accountable one day before Him
for the things we have done.
Those who have harmed you will not forever get away with it. The culture today of needing to find someone to blame
and only being able to let go, after a lengthy legal process
often causes additional harm to the victim.
God can work spectacularly through those who are willing to obey and leave judgement to him. There is a need for wisdom and the Holy Spirit’s guidance but don’t be surprised
to be challenged by Jesus on this.
3. ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR FEELINGS
As we have seen when Dealing with Pain in Episode 13
to deal with your feelings the healthy way is to:- OWN THEM
FEEL THEM EXPRESS THEMAND THEN DEAL WITH THE ISSUE.
Buried feelings will always cause problems, often years later. There may be some really big feelings which will rattle around
for some time after you have decided to forgive.
These are not a qualitative expression of how well you forgave! Feelings must be dealt with and take time to dissipate.
4. EVALUATE THE HURT AND ITS CONSEQUENCES
Sometimes we MINIMISE the consequences of another persons’ actions uponus but we need to realistically assess the damage
and the consequences to our lives that their actions have caused. Acknowledging how bad it was for us
may mean looking again at long held views.
It is helpful to acknowledge that we are all damaged in some way. So to see the events that harmed you in the context of the life of the perpetrator, where they are now and the road they have travelled can be helpful,
but this does not lessen or excuse what they may have done to you. Their difficult childhood may be a reason for their actions but it does not mean your wounding and the consequences should be discounted.
Evaluation is taking a good look at the wound, the way a doctor would explore an old injury,
understanding all the consequences before applying treatment. All we learnt in the ‘How to deal with pain’ comes into play here too.
This can take time.
Problems happen in relationships and we play our part too, so we need to be alive to our responsibility for the issue. However, big people do things to little people NOT the other way round; power resides with the big person,
sometimes the child within us does not recognise that we were powerless.
Perspective is important.
We must not apply an adult’s viewpoint to something that happened to us as a child and harshly judge our actions or responses.
An abuser works to make the more vulnerable person in a relationship pick up guilt and responsibility and we are all to a greater or lesser extent agents of harm until we have inner healing.
5. BE WILLING TO CONFRONT THE OTHER PARTY
In the last Episode we learnt the life skill of how to confront another person where there is a point of conflict between you. Problems will arise in every relationship from time to time
and dealing with the issue promptly grows deep and healthy relationships. Forgiveness is key to doing this well.
However, what about confronting someone who has altered the courseof your life by their abuse ? The principles may be the same but the repercussions will be much more complex, as the consequences roll down the years. It is a risky business then to confront,
because you cannot predict the reactions of the other party when they are challenged.
What if they do not accept ‘anything happened’?
It requires much preparation and wisdom to know whether confrontation is right. When we live in the Waterfall we can know that if we are to tackle someone from our past the Holy Spirit will make it clear, otherwise leave them to Jesus.
6. BE WILLING TO BE RECONCILED
Reconciliation is restoring the relationship, to fully accept again the other person. It leads to powerful testimony when people are willing
to understand their differences, forgive and let go of their hurt, accept each other and move forward together.
There have been extraordinary examples of this in The Peace Process in Northern Ireland and the Reconciliation Commission in South Africa after apartheid.
When we experience trouble, misunderstandings or mistakes in our relationships and go through the forgiveness process to this stage,
we find those relationships become stronger as though forged in fire.
We know each other more, know we can deal with problems,
and trust and freedom are found together in a strong bond between us.
Again this stage requires wisdom and is not always possible. It takes two to restore a relationship and the other party may not be willing to do so.
You are only responsible for your own actions
and some else’s inability to travel this road does not limit the freedom that is yours by having forgiven them.
7. BE FREE
To be free we must avail ourselves of the gift that Jesus gave us, seeking forgiveness and reaching out to others in forgiveness.
It is not always easy and demands effort
and often people worry whether they have really forgiven because memories and difficult feelings still pop up.
If you have taken the decision to forgive, the deal is done
and will not be revoked but we still may need to deal with the residual effects within us.
However, what if the person keeps sinning against us or we learn more of the effect it has had on us? Well Jesus forgave even whilst He was being sinned against on the Cross so difficult though it may be,He is our model.
If we learn of something additional, we do need to forgive that but only the newly revealed hurts. Forgiving once is enough.
THEN WE NEED TO FORGIVE OURSELVES
THE DEATH OF JESUS ON THE CROSS WAS BIG ENOUGH FOR ANYTHING WE HAVE DONE.
When you have sought forgiveness of God and have
done what you can of the process you are free. However, we are not always ready to step into that freedom
This can be hard for it means coming out of the victim mode and standing on what God is saying.
It is common to hear people say, “I cannot forgive myself”. The subtext to that is, “I am too bad to be forgiven by the death of Jesus,” or put another way, “Jesus’ sacrifice was not big enough for me.” There is a lot of false pride in that! It leaves Jesus pinned to the Cross. . Shut the door move on or keep Jesus nailed to the cross.
Sins go into the sea of God’s forgetfulness
There is more
FORGIVENESS IS ESSENTIAL TO OUR GOING DEEPER INTO GOD ON THE JOURNEY TO HOLINESS.
Unforgiveness can block our spiritual growth.
It is an amazing gift that there is NOTHING that cannot be covered by the blood of Jesus given true repentance.
By which I mean by saying sorry and turning away from our bucket. If I fail again God will forgive me again.
We are called to live in the freedom that the Cross gives
to please our heavenly Father.
He cared so much that He sent the best thing He had to save us. IT COST GOD FOR US TO BE FREE.
It means each day we can have a fresh start unencumbered by the weight of sin, as we undertake the things
He has for us to do.
This week’s challenge is to do a FORGIVENESS SPRING CLEAN Here are some questions to consider
1. Have you ever had a clear out forgiving all the people who may have caused you harm in your life? If not reflect on your timeline and make a list of those who have hurt you in any way.
Then pray and before God forgive each one, speaking out their name as you do so. Experience the relief.
From now on resolve to keep short accounts and forgive daily.
2. Who have you harmed? Do you need forgiveness for past deeds and behaviours that have damaged others? Go through the same process asking God for forgiveness.
Remember for life influencing events only confront others under the leading and guidance of the Holy Spirit.
3. Do you need to forgive yourself? Clear your own account. Let yourself off the hook. The death of Jesus has set us free.
4. Review your relationships. Perhaps God is asking you to go and deal with a difficulty between you and another person. Prepare well.
Now we are ready how to bring the touch of Jesus into our lives to heal and restore us. In the next episode we will learn how with the Holy Spirit to do this. To open ourselves to the wondrous , creative healing power of our God.
