When Do Toddlers Understand "NO" and How Can Parents Help Them Without Yelling!

Understanding the concept of “NO” is a hard one to grasp for most toddlers!

How can we help them learn to listen, follow directions, STOP when I ask him?

When is it developmentally APPROPRIATE to expect such understanding?

In this week’s episode we cover these questions AND provide 10 Established Strategies To Avoid Meltdowns

 Our goal is to help your toddler develop independence, curiosity AND cooperation.

Your desire is to establish kind and firm parenting-style.

Let's do this!

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Transcript

Erin: 0:00

It threw them off kilter and most of the toddlers then would stop after one or two tries. So it wasn't fun anymore. There was no progressive learning. They didn't gain independence. And, you know, and I know that's what the toddler wants to gain independence, that autonomy, I can do it. And so unfortunately the adult. Interrupted that natural innate drive to explore. Hello, and welcome to Talking Toddlers, where I share more than just tips and tricks on how to reduce tantrums or build your toddler's vocabulary. We're going to cover all of that, but here, our goal is to develop clarity. Because in this modern world, it's truly overwhelming. This podcast is about empowering moms to know the difference between fact and fiction, to never give up, to tap into everyday activities so your child stays on track. He's not falling behind. He's thriving through your guidance. We know that true learning starts at home. So let's get started. Welcome back to talking toddlers. I'm so excited you're all here. I know it's a busy time of year. And at the time that this particular episode is launched it'll be mid-November and with the holidays right around the corner, I acknowledge how it can be really stressful. The family dynamics schedules, special events, shopping, shopping, shopping, And sometimes our expectations can seem to get out of hand. And with all of these additional stressors. That we sometimes put on ourselves, but sometimes feel like we have to do it. I think it's because our culture has. Kind of trained us or strongly suggests that it's just part of the package that we as new moms or moms with children who are young, we just have to amp it up and. I'd like to actually take this moment to challenge you to step back and before, we're in the thick of it. Perhaps make a clear, purposeful intention. Maybe you can decide with your partner, with your family. Not to get sucked into unnecessary pressures. Life is already complex enough. And, I just want to remind you that we all, but especially new young families, get to decide the rhythm of your family. what's the pace like where are the boundaries that you can really develop over time to create an atmosphere that's perhaps less stressful, less the feeling of demands, Then you don't overlook the small stuff. Right. just take a good moment. as, as the holidays approach us and really consider that. and actually this reminds me of an article that I read way back when I think in the very early 1990s, where. It was in the newspaper, you know, before the internet, but a young mother wrote the story about how she was rushing through this last minute shopping. And she was in a department store with, the holiday music and the extra scented candles and loads and loads of people with bags and carts. And the people were rushing about reloading the racks and doing all these extra, lights on the trees and. Hustle and bustle and you think, oh, this is exciting. This is the holiday. but it was a little much for, this particular mother. But she knew that she had things still to do on her list. And then she realized that her toddler was missing. And she started to panic. She was rushing around looking between the aisles, calling his name and looking under the racks and asking people. And she really, really panicked. And then she sees her little one his feet. Out from underneath a pile of, or some hanging clothes, right. In this rack, in this department store. And she kneels down to him and she gives him a really big hug and she's like, so. Relieved or heart is racing and he's just kinda sitting there. trying his best to understand this Rat race really, but then she looks up. As she sits on the floor with him on her lap and she looks up. From his perspective and she realizes, wow, this is overwhelming. Everything that, I mentioned a few minutes ago with, with the music and the people and the bags and the cards and the. excitement, but also, you know, panic. And she thought, wow, for a two or a two and a half year old. That this is what the holidays is about, but they don't understand that. and she really understood his need to literally crawl under a pile of clothes or hanging clothes. And find respite and all of that. And to, to separate himself from this really toxic environment. So, she changed her mind right then and there that she wasn't going to get sucked into it. And she picked up, her little one and she said, okay, enough is enough. And she went home. And this story has always resonated with me in particular this time a year. So. Think about that. I think about what's on your to-do list and think about. You should I bring my toddler with me or not? We do have things that we must get done. I get that. But try to use your family, your community, your friends. To support one another and maybe not drag him or her through some of this clutter out in this modern world. And that really brings us to today's episode. Because I'd like to talk about how can we help your toddler develop the understanding of NO; how can we successfully establish boundaries appropriate expectations as your little one builds their autonomy. I've always loved that word because that's how I've tried to live my life, to not get sucked into the mainstream or sucked into the masses. To separate myself and say what's really, really the best route for me or for the people that I serve or from the family that I love and support. How do we create a home atmosphere? That is yes, energetic and exciting, but also nurturing and kind. With a sense of firmness, right? And so that's what today's episode is all about. So I know you've all heard about the terrible twos, And that they just pushed back and pushed back and pushed back. I want to. walk through how they have to do that. Part of it is learning. and building their autonomy, like I said, but it's also the language processing, the ability to understand. And through that language, they build social emotional skills as well as cognition. And I'll demonstrate how that's done and then give you my top 10. Techniques or strategies that you can always have in your back pocket. And, I do understand that we have to often stop our toddlers because things could be dangerous or unsafe. But building a home that has both boundaries and open flexibility is really the key here. Because our goal is to help them develop and learn. Through that exploration. And I'm always talking about that here. what's reasonable and healthy for his overall growth and independence. And I think I've mentioned this before, but I have to admit that often. Not always, but over the years of my practice very often. I have been surprised at parents from all walks of life, From. very elaborate backgrounds to very simple, humble lifestyles, but. That I'm surprised at how unreasonable. Expectations can get in the way of true learning, meaning that a parent expects a 16 month or an 18 month or 24 month old to understand certain behaviors as wrong or dangerous. And yes, it's common for kids this age to hit or pinch or kick, and nobody wants that. But they're trying, as I said to find and build their autonomy and figure this out with very limited life experience, right. 16, 18, 24 months. And very little understanding. so it can be those severe or more severe. Behaviors, but it can also be just irritating behaviors, like opening, closing the cabinets or taking trash out of the trash can or turning the light switch on and off and on and off, or, crawling under the chair when you need to leave, an environment or throwing food on the table. all of those what parents will often refer to as naughty or, defiant behaviors. They're really just testing the boundaries. And I do think that most parents understand this On a cerebral level, right. Or even an intuitive level. But it's hard to live day in and day out when your kid is, quote, unquote, acting out. And, the other situation that comes up a lot is like, gosh, Johnny or Susie over here is pretty good at home. Why does she always act out at grandma's house or, when we go on a play date, that's a big one. Or if we go to a restaurant, why can't she behave? And what's happening on the developmental hierarchy or the developmental process is that they're figuring out yes. I'm learning the rules and boundaries at home. But do those same rules and boundaries apply in every context. And I don't know. This is grandma's house. And sometimes I get away with things here with grandma and sometimes I don't, or, in the grocery store. And so we have to always go back to. What is their life experience been? And can we have an open heart to understanding where they are on this developmental journey? Right. And I know that, especially this time of year, we're tired. we're exhausted ourselves, but so are our kids, right? And again, they have limited language, limited understanding. So that's where I'm coming from trying to help new parents, new families understand what are appropriate behaviors and appropriate expectations. So understanding the developmental milestones of children under the age of three. And that's where I'm focusing right now is crucial for parents. And I know you all get this. I want to continually link it back to how can we understand the realistic expectations? Like I just mentioned. But the beauty of all of this really is that once parents. I understand how to guide their children with realistic expectations. Which means that you understand that a two year old really doesn't understand NO yet. And I'll explain why and how, but the more they can really blossom and the more you'll see the trajectory of their skills on a much smoother flow. Because with consistent boundaries and consistent direction and redirection their knowledge base is being honed each and every time you interact with them. So I know for the most part. We understand what the physical developmental milestones are. because we check those off and, and even your pediatrician checks them off. But they don't typically dive into the nuances beyond. Does he roll over? Does he crawl? Does she walk? how many words do they have? Because yes, talking is a physical milestone. But there's that language component then I'm always referring to the other side of that coin. And I covered in last week's episode about how talking is driven by physical growth and development. But the other. Big pile of developmental milestones that we have to be mindful of are those social emotional skills. And. This is very, very important during those first three years as well, it's tightly linked with language processing, being able to understand, being able to express yourself. when a three-year-old or four-year-old is frustrated. That they can explain, that they're disappointed that they can't, spend the night at grandma's house or whatever the situation is, but that takes time to develop. And so all of these situations really do matter cumulatively. so we're all on the same page, social emotional skills can be defined as how children start to understand who they are in this world. What they're feeling in any given context and then what to expect when they interact with others. And that's that maturity of taking in life experience. Understanding through language, both verbal and nonverbal. And then honing those skills over time. So at this stage with your toddler and think of toddlers as that one-year-old because that's typically when they start to toddle around, through their third birthday or even three and a half. When we look at developmental profiles. Preschool the separation between a preschooler and a toddler is very different. Preschool developmentally is that four to five-year-old. I know that our school systems have pushed, pushed, pushed, and that, we're even looking at three year olds as a preschooler. Developmentally, they don't really fit there because they're still learning these skills, right. They're still learning that social, emotional regulation. They're still developing that language processing and understanding reasoning and cause and effect and all of these other things. They're not ready to sit at a desk. And, practice their quote, unquote writing skills or sounding out letters. None of that. That's not appropriate for a three-year-old. Developmentally where I'm always looking at what is the healthiest development, the human nature, the natural part of this process called learning. So at this stage, the concept of NO is not comprehended in the conventional manner. And I, again, I think most parents. Intuitively understand that. But then we have to take it a step further and think it's a part of their ongoing developmental process. So the term, no, actually represents an abstract idea that contradicts our human innate need to explore the surroundings, right. And that is what then builds or foster develops their autonomy. And then later on their ability to initiate that, that developmental process of initiative. So autonomy. Let me just again, so we're all on the same page. Allows the child to manage on their own with everyday tasks. And they become more and more independent and begin to make their own decisions. Through that process. They've learned what the boundaries and expectations are. And so the need for autonomy evolves throughout childhood and adolescence, and even beyond in my opinion, But becoming autonomous means they gradually gain control over yourself. You're your individual self. In all contexts, right? So autonomy. Is really important because that's what helps children understand how to behave. Like I said earlier, And how to vary their, their behavior. According to the context. Right. We know that say in church, We whisper. But, you know, in the grocery store, we can have a full voice on the playground. We can yell and scream and roll around. But not in the grocery store and not in church. So learning how to modify ourselves. accordingly. but it takes practice, right? So kids. Who do develop initiative? Typically are eager to try new activities and experiences with very little fear of failure. And that they learn that they learn what, like I just said what they can and can't control. And so the other element to initiative is that when they do make mistakes, they don't feel guilty or ashamed or uncomfortable, They understand that they can just try again. And, and that really starts with your one-year-old and your two year old. So toddlers do have some understanding of the concept of no at one, even because as we look at what the developmental markers are or the, appropriate expectations around nine, 10 months of age, Infants will typically begin to show some responsiveness to the word? No. Although the extent of their comprehension really varies quite a bit, and we have to keep that in the back of our minds. Right. So they might start to associate the word NO with a certain tone of voice or with certain facial expressions. mama, grandma babysitter can frown or raise those eyebrows. They can even, associate it with gestures, right? Shaking your hand or your finger saying no, no, no. some people have been use some gestures, like stop. Or no, there's, short, crisp gestures. You shake your head, all of those, the tone of voice, the facial expressions, the gestures, they begin to associate that they stopped that particular behavior momentarily. Right? Because the depth of their understanding and their ability to truly inhibit that behavior. In response to the word? No. Is very, very limited at the stage with a one-year-old or a two-year-old or even up to their third birthday. Depending on the context. But by the time toddlers are closer to 18 20, 24 months. They do begin to demonstrate, remember this is a developmental process, a better understanding, but the consistency is still Waukee. So they might be able to start to modify their behavior. But again, it depends on who the caretaker is. You've heard the stories that they don't act this way with dad. Why? Because he has a Sterner voice, perhaps he's bigger. And his, gestural, stop. I mean it right. There's. There's a vibration of no more shenanigans. Where perhaps they spend a lot of time with grandma or a lot of time with the babysitter or a lot of time with mama and they're. Not always consistent with no. we have to take these into consideration. But still even with a two year old who might be able to modify some of his actions. With that strong. No, conceptually they don't understand the why behind it. That's not developed yet. And we have to look at it. And, and I've said this probably thousands of times with the families that I worked with over the years. but a two and a two and a half year old. They don't understand the words like that's a fragile lamp. Don't touch it. Or that's expensive. Don't grab the cord. Right. Or that's a sharp knife. It's dangerous. They don't understand those concepts. They don't understand that cause and effect that one, it could hit me, you know, the lamp could hit me in the hat or it could fall on break and cut me or the knife. it was very dangerous. Here's an example. And I don't think I created it myself. I'm sure I borrowed it from someone. much smarter or at least in the research world. Right. But we, as the parents will teach our toddler not to run out in the street. Right. We know. And they're pretty good. We, where the boundaries are, right. You can play in the front yard here. But. Even with that. We know that we would never leave him out there on his own, even for a moment. And the reason is because we know his knowledge base of the concept of danger and death and cars and vehicles. And all of that is simply not understood. So, although we're helping him understand what the physical boundaries are, so that he has freedom to explore and play. We would never Trust his life experience at 24 months. To know yeah. I'm not going to go and get the ball that rolled out into the street. So now I think it's important to step back and recognize that your child might acknowledge, you know what I'm going to say here that. they might acknowledge your disapproval, With certain actions. but comprehending again. The reason behind it is beyond their grasps. So this is evident when you know, they go to reach for something. And it could be as simple as, more cookies or it could be as dangerous as, the lamp, like I said, or a bowl that's full of, shiny marbles. But, you know, they'll go to reach for that. Look at you. With that. Mischievous grin. And have a real hard time stopping themselves because that behavior to explore. To interface with his environment is rooted in our DNA is rooted in our human drive to explore right. To touch and feel and grab. And it's really hard for him or her to turn that off. At this age, but through using some of these techniques that I'm going to run through. You will help them learn that process. Both through that physical learning. Like I talked about last week. And then the language behind it and, positive experiences. But mama and daddy and grandparents, we have to always come from. The place of being kind. And loving and accepting. And firm and consistent. I always am throwing that one in, So let's look at developmental. Around the age of one, your toddler then begins this. You know, wild stage of me doing me do it, me Dua. So now they're physically mobile right there up. And walking around. Not all that stable yet. They're still trying to connect their lower body and their upper body. And the left hemisphere on the right hemisphere and engage with this world. But it's all about me do it, me do it. And that is the beginning of autonomy. our biology drives us to do this right. And so then from three years of age, give or take right about three and a half, I always say too about six. That preschool stage that, the psychologist Erickson highlighted for us. That's when we'll see kids. Start start is the key, right? I'm always using the word emerging start experimenting with the sense of initiative. here's an example of a child is placed, or if your child's is placed in an environment where they are free to explore, You've set up the environment. That's relatively safe. But there's always supervision, right? they're free to explore. They can make their own decisions based on your given boundaries. They can initiate activities. Do I want to build with these trucks? Do I wanna, do dress up, do I wanna, make up help mommy dust or help? big sister with the cleaning of the dishes, whatever it is, but that helps them achieve initiative. But on the other hand, if a child is put in an environment where the initiation is repressed or inhibited, Through perhaps, a lot of control or even criticism like your, you can't do that yet. You can't do that. Then they'll develop a sense of guilt. or low self-esteem that they're not able to do stuff, If we're always saying, be careful, be careful. No, that's not safe. That's not safe. Let mommy help you. Let you know, daddy can do it. Daddy can do it. simple things, like getting them to climb up. On their high chair. Okay. Go for it, kid. Help organize and practice. I did that thousands of times, and parents would, stress out like, oh my God, he's going to fall. No. You're standing there and supervising him, but let him do the motor planning. Let him experience. the learning in real time. Of course, we don't want our children to get hurt. But it's really, really important. That they learn to problem solve that they learn how to figure it out. Adjust. And readjust on their own. And I'm always talking about that, right? Because that also helps. Develop. Higher order thinking, but the physical part of speech too, right? When they first start talking, it's not clear and articulate and smooth. They have to try and try and try and try and try again slowly. Growing to more fluid automaticity of connected speech. And this brings me to this summer that, I spend a lot of time at a particular playground place called thousand island park in upstate New York. And it's up on the border of upstate New York and Canada. So it was pretty far north up there, but there's this remarkable playground. They're at thousand islands and I watched, I spent a lot of time watching families.'cause it's, it's a beautiful, period where it goes back in time, they do have some modern elements to the playground, but they have a lot of. Good old fashioned play equipment. But I watched parents and grandparents and toddlers and. young elementary kids. But I swear that two thirds of the parents were super, in my opinion. Super over-protective with the toddlers. for example, and this happened a number of times throughout the summer, but they have, they had two of these, those small kind of two foot slides, that's pretty strong and stable. And kids love, especially, A new two year old really love. Playing on these things, but almost every day, a caregiver would force or demand to hold the toddler's hand as they try to walk up the steps, and again, in my best opinion, making it very challenging for them to practice climbing up a few little rungs on this very safe ladder. Because, what the toddler needs to do as they take these little steps up, these. these wrongs, right? And then stepping over the top, scooching their bum around while using his hands to stabilize and organize himself in this three-dimensional world. Just very similar to how I would let. My clients, my little clients climb up the high chair, very stable high chair. And then they would get on top and look at the world from a different perspective. Right? They're now two feet higher. But then they would slide down and then stand right back up and repeat that motor planning action. And the goal. Was to hone their skills to build strength and fluidity and automaticity in this. In this process, but the adult in their life held them back literally by forcing them to hold on the hand. Because then the child was de stabilized, right. It threw them off kilter and most of the toddlers then would stop after one or two tries. So it wasn't fun anymore. There was no progressive learning. They didn't gain independence. And, you know, and I know that's what the toddler wants to gain independence, that autonomy, I can do it. And so unfortunately the adult. Interrupted that natural innate drive to explore. And I saw it time and time again, and I thought to myself, oh, how sad. But, you know, there were a lot of other good, wonderful experiences that I observed. But that's an excellent example of as long as they environment is safe, let them do it, let them figure it out. And even if with all honesty, if he fell one you're right there, you could catch him. So he doesn't fall backwards and hit his head. But that's when you jump in, you pay attention. And a side note of this is I would also see parents. Doing this half-ass excuse my French. Uh, supervision when they're on their cell phone. And, pushing the kid on the swing. That's not engagement either. So just putting that out there. as we move into this list, I just want to share that I believe. With all my heart that, we're designed by God with this innate gift. To always learn to always explore. And then to do it differently. If we make a mistake right. To expand ourselves and hone our, our potential. I just want to take a moment to touch upon how I see that this relates to modern parenting. Giving you, an example of the playground there, but also, I see this current trend happening where both professionals and online influencers. Are are suggesting. That we raise our kids saying, Hey honey. You're perfect. Just the way you are. And I know the intention is. to show love and support and acceptance and welcome diversity and creativity and all of that. But to say you're perfect. Just the way you are. To me. It means that. Children and young adults even begin to identify themselves. With more along the lines of their limitations or even their quote unquote label. Oh, I, I can't be held responsibility. I'm a scatter brain. I have add. Or I'm overly sensitive and I can't work with. A group of people with multi. multi-skill levels or, or even the individual who has fallen under the umbrella of being autistic or dyslexic even. And this started to me. It started probably 15 years ago where dyslexia then became more understood. And then socially acceptable. And I understand that, but I also know how the brain works and how God has designed us to continue to hone those skills. And so I just want to caution my listeners because I love you. That. It can be misleading and even defeating. And let me explain how before you're like shaking your head saying, eh, I don't think so. what I think it does. Is it. It limits our potential. and I think a better way to say this, and sometimes it's just semantics, but I think it's also our attitude. What do we putting into it as the adults, As the guide and the coach and the parent. And. And the loved ones, right? But I think we could say something along the lines of, I love you for who you are today. You are absolutely wonderful. And I'm excited for what's possible tomorrow. So you're always giving them hope. And you, or you could say something like I am so eager to see how you continue to blossom, continue to get better at you. T-ball or swimming or piano or walking or talking. And that we all, as human beings evolve. and as we evolved. Week after week and year after year, we actually, Turn into better versions of ourselves, right across all the stages of our life. and I've heard, A number of people say, if your toddler is just beginning to learn how to walk or run and they stumble and they fall and they, and you're like, ah, forget it. You know, you're never going to be a very good Walker because you can't, you know, You're not very good at it now. And the truth is with practice to get better. I really believe in my heart of hearts, that that's, God's design for us as humans to grow and learn throughout our lifespan. And I was blessed to be in the middle of, the 1990s and I've shared this before, where technology and neuroscience. blossomed or evolved out of its infancy. And we really began to understand, we don't fully understand yet, but how the brain changes itself through everyday life experiences for better or worse. But, to kind of wrap up this little soap box here. I also recognize that we all do it better with others that's why I'm out here. Creating this content and sharing on these different platforms, all of our kids need cheerleaders and then they're willing to try again. If they mess up, it's no big deal. I'm a work in progress. I'll never be finished. I'll never be perfect. There's no such thing. So thank you for letting me jump on that soapbox. But before I do. Outline these top 10 strategies to help your toddler master the understanding of no. I want to just take a moment to remind you that. If you are gaining benefit from these episodes, this weekly content, please consider writing me a positive review. No matter where you're listening from apple podcast or Spotify, I have the links down below. It's the only way that we can reach other parents, just like you to gain insight, to navigate this modern world and to develop courage and strength and a little finesse along the way. So, yes, talking toddlers is expanding to YouTube as I indicated last week. and I'm really excited to reach that community as well, because I know audio listeners and video learners, do cross paths, but It's a different type of learning and gaining insight and material. So thanks for listening and being open to learning. Let's get back to this solid list of strategies. That I believe can really, really make a difference in your everyday life as specially, as you walk into. These holidays, which are right around the corner. And the goal is to look at age appropriate behavior. And how can I set them up for success? So let's walk through these 10 strategies or techniques, plus a little bonus at the end. The first one, and I do want to stipulate that many of these are well known. They're kind of common. But again, I'm trying to connect the dots and put them in. Your background knowledge to have. And to use on a regular basis. So the first one is to build routines. If we can create routines around every event that happens over and over and over again, that will build autonomy. Think of the Euro morning routine, your bedtime routine. Dinner routine shopping routine. You can build these routines and help your 1, 2, 3, 4 year old. engaged during this process and become more and more independent. For example. you can ask your child, Hey, what do we do next on our daily routine for today? If today is Monday or today is Saturday. You can have a chart up there. And I've mentioned that, you know, just little visual markers to help them organize you. And I use a daily planner. So this is really, really helpful for little guys because they feel like they're part of the crowd, And now for younger kids who say, have very limited language, you can say, Hey, what's next? And you can point up to the refrigerator where they have their markers. Or now it's time for us to. And have that anticipation that can fill in the blank, but to create routines is pivotal. Number two. Attitude and you're like, Hmm, what's that mean? Please understand that our attitude. Determines, whether we create a home. That is, full of constant battles and struggles. Or if we have an attitude to be kind and firm, then your child will learn how to explore within the boundaries that you and I, as the adults, as the leaders of the household build. And you create appropriate boundaries for each and every age. And so as you walk into this, especially with the holidays right around the corner, Think of what kind of atmosphere am I creating here in our home? Number three. I mean, what you say. And always do it respectfully firm and kind So children usually sense when we mean it and when we don't, and again, we've all been there for sure. Or we've heard stories or we've heard comedians joke about this, right? But after you've stated what you need or what's going to happen next. Then follow through. do it respectfully with some dignity. And typically with the toddlers is usually without words, right? And it's not with anger. In your gestures, but it's really helping them through redirecting or showing them what they can do instead of reprimanding them or punishing them or. getting frustrated by what they can't do. No, you can't have another cookie. No, you can't, climb up. The jungle gym. One more time. We have to go home, show them what they can do through gestures and guidance and a tone of voice that this is what's going to happen next. Number four. Understand that all of this, our learning opportunities, all of this is an opportunity for you to teach them what is expected, right. How to be a human being in this family, how to be a human being in this this community, So also recognize that you may have to teach toddlers, especially, but kids at any age, things over and over again, before they really are developmentally ready to understand and ready to understand the depth of our adult perspective. So be patient minimize your words and then maximize your actions with love, firmness, and direction. Don't take your child's behavior personally, either. And this is a big one that I think all of us I've caught myself as a therapist. And, going through some personal things and, being frustrated with the kids who are acting out and I've had to really take a deep breath and turn away sometimes. And realize, what am I doing right now? What's my purpose. Right. And recognize that toddlers especially are not naughty or bad or defiant in any way. They don't understand how did, how to behave that way. They're just testing their biological drive to explore. Right. And it's important for us that we stay in this adult role without, shaming them or guilting them or, making threats, because again, they don't even understand that. But I think. What happens on a subconscious level for us as the adults, then we actually create bad habits, right? Empty threats, never, never amount to anything. So number five. Give them a choice that actually requires their help. So that's a big shift. A 10 month old might choose between blue pajamas and yellow pajamas. But here we want them to do something what's next or how do we transition smoothly? Or how can we get this task done together? And so if you give them a choice that requires their help, then they feel once again important. Right? So if you're say leaving a play date or the playground, or, you know, the swimming pool or whatever, and say, Hey honey, it's time to go in two minutes. Do you want to carry the backpack to the car? Or do you want to carry the keys and unlock the car? No. So you're giving them something interesting to do and to help. And so with not all about like, okay, time to go, let's go, let's go. Right. Or you could say something like. What's the first thing we should do when we get home, do we feed the dog or do you want to look at an, this new book that we bought? Right again. It's a distraction, but it's also helping them understand that they're in it with us. Right. And that they have some say. But we do have to go in two minutes. So you're being firm with what the expectations are. You're being reasonable and thoughtful, but you're bringing them into the situation. Number six. If you find yourself screaming, yelling, lecturing, please stop. I know it's never easy and we all find ourselves there, especially around the holidays, especially where our schedules, our routines get a little skewed. But it's a slippery slope and it's an easy trap to fall into, especially if you have more than one child. Holy cow. I get that. you know, I'm one of 10. But. You're feeling tired. You're distracted. You're frustrated. You feel like you're not completing any tasks and it's just half-ass across the board. you've asked your kids several times. You probably give them them warning, even threats, right? It doesn't serve anybody. And it's really important. That's why, you know, my story about the mother who loses the toddler in the middle of the department store. KNOW what your intention is And your helping your child. You're very new child to this world. It might be his first birthday or first holiday, second holiday, even if it's his third holiday, he or she doesn't get it. But we're helping them learn how to interact, how to act and engage in this family, in this community and how to shift their behavior according to the context. You know, at the end, I'm always saying, what's our goal. We want that 7, 8, 9 year old to be a civilized member of society, right. To be happy and capable of participating. And to get along. With good harmony to be. to have, take initiative, to learn new things with, with confidence and with ease. Remember, small children, babies, toddlers, even preschoolers need to feel. To feel out these environments, They don't always understand how their behavior and their expectations. Can shift according to, the context and some things can get wild and out of control. Say if you're at a holiday party and they're eating all kinds of food that you typically don't give them, or they're able to, run wild and free because that's what the cousins are doing. Right. But also understand that. At this age, kids act out to figure out at the same time, what the expectations are. They keep pushing those boundaries. Well, you know, I got to stay up late last night because we were running around and mom and dad were busy doing this or that or visiting or hosting or whatever. And Now we have to all of a sudden shift back to our quote unquote routine. I don't give that. the other piece too, is that, kids will often, I think I mentioned this earlier, but it happens a lot during the holidays is that, they will be able to behave a certain way at home because they understand the rules there. They understand the expectations. But then they need to test that out in other areas at, You know, at grandma's house or at the cousin's house or church or whatever. Because they're trying to figure out, do the same rules apply. So number seven Try your best to involve them. So instead of telling your child what to do, find ways to involve him or her in the decision. And so this way it's reflective of some of the other strategies to help them hone that personal power, right. That autonomy. Hey, honey. What do we do next? You know, look at your chart, right? Or. Instead of, telling them, put on your shoes, we have to go to the store all of a sudden, They're playing with their blocks and they're like, what? I, I I'm having a fun time here. So the pre-verbal child, right? That the 10, even 12 or 14 month old. You can say kindly and firmly. pointing at your shoes. Hey, what's next? We're all done playing now. What's next? And you're pointing to the front door or you have the keys in the hand. Hey, what do we do with these. Right. Or you can point to the schedule on the board or you can. Remind him. we had breakfast, we played. And now we have to go to maybe it's the store or on an errand or to a doctor's appointment, or, whatever the next step is right. Involve them in bringing awareness to the present moment and then what's next. Number eight. I think that this is a thread to this whole episode. But to be respectful when you make requests. to be mindful of what's your tone of voice? Get down on their level. Help them see your seriousness. In your face, To hear your voice. To see you and feel you. that your. Not suggesting that we get ready to go, or you're not hoping we'll get ready to go, that you expect them to do something in the very near future within a few minutes. That? No, you might not have to jump up immediately.'cause you're hopefully planning, but you can say, Hey. It's time to go. Do you need five more minutes or seven more minutes? And again, our little ones don't know exactly five or seven or five or 10. Right. But you're giving them. The feeling, the respect that what you're doing is important. Let's wrap it up. And let's, get on the next thing on our list. And there's a lot of research, both in psychology and behavioral psychology, but a lot also in language development that when we give kids choices instead of commands that it really does build this environment, this atmosphere of more cooperation. And builds a healthier family bond. Because again, whether you're two or 12 or 20. You want to feel like you're important and your opinion, and that you are capable of contributing to the run of the household. And so, as you're walking through on this journey, just keep that in mind. And part of this respectful piece. I want to acknowledge that I know a lot of parents, a lot of grandparents, a lot of caretakers and teachers Understand that this intuitively right. That we want to treat. Others, how we want to be treated. Right. So giving a warning. Is another possible way of helping them understand what. what we're going to do and what the expectation is, so you could say something like, we need to leave in a minute. What's the last thing you want to do at the playground. Or, we need to wrap up this play date. We need to go and pick up, brother Suzy or no. Sister, Susie. What's the last thing you want to do with your friend, Joey. So again, telling them what the expectation is, but giving them some kind of sense of autonomy or empowerment. Number nine. Try to build a sense of humor. Raising kids, especially toddlers. We need a sense of humor. You could play the game. Here comes the tickle monster. I'm going to eat you up. By distracting them. We actually at the same time helped turn their attention toward you to get. Listening toward this silly monster, right? But kids who don't listen. Oh, who have learned. Basically because we've over-trained them to not listen. They really need to play flea, be enticed, right? So you can play. A variety of games. Like, Hey. Can you beat me up the stairs to brush your teeth right on your mark. Get set. Uh, or you could, he's not getting into bed, right. You've kind of get him dressed or you've changed his closed and brushed his teeth. How many hops can you, Mr. Frog of the century? Take to get across and hop into the bed, Whatever you need to be to show them that life is fun. Life isn't always serious, but a sense of humor will help both you and your toddler. And that's just. helpful, I guess, really at any age, but especially when they're learning to push back and build this autonomy. Number 10. Would be for pre-verbal kids, that eight, 10 and 12 month old. Who really are getting acclimated to all of this, Transition and life right there. They might be on the verge of walking. So their, their world is expanding. Keep in mind that the good old fashioned strategy of distract and redirect. And to, to do it with less is more, so use less words. So quietly take your child's hand and lead them to where we're going. with confidence and grace, Hey, let's go find your shoes. Right. And you show them that they can do it versus what they can't do. Okay. We got to stop with the blocks. I'm going to pick you up. no more of that. No more of that play. But if you also do your best by, thinking 10 words or less. Got to go home now let's find our shoes. And you take them by the hand, right? Or you can even just point. Right. Pick up your toys, pick up your toys. We got to go. after the bath or something, you point to the towels, where do the towels go? Towels go in the. Or how about those shoes? Where does shoes go? And yes, you'll need to repeat yourself over and over again. That's the process of learning, right. Try your best to avoid lectures. you say shoes. Where do they go? You're going to say that three or four times. But you don't get sucked into. Oh my gosh. I've told you a thousand times, I'm tired of tripping over your shoes. You gotta, you gotta show more responsibility. I mean, I remember losing it with my two and a half year old. And I also remember her blank face looking at me like, what the heck are you talking about mama? They don't understand too many words. They just tune us out. And it's a lose, lose situation, right? So just to run down the list of 10 really quickly. Number one. Build routines around events that happen over and over again. Number two. Your attitudes set the stage. What kind of home atmosphere do you desire? Do you want to create? And you can change this at any time. Number three. I mean, what you say. Your kids at any age, but especially these wise toddlers, they know when you mean it. Number four. Think of all of these daily activities as learning opportunities. And you are their primary teacher. So. stand, Tall in that role. Number five, give them a choice that requires they're helping you. And they'll jump in. Number six. And this is a big one is very personal, but. No screaming, yelling, lecturing or threats. It doesn't help anybody. Number seven. Try your best to involve them in the decision process. Hey buddy, what's next. Instead of just telling them what to do. I need you to get your shoes and meet by the front door. That's a different mindset, a different attitude and a different message. Number eight. Be respectful when you make these requests, remember you want to build a home environment With kindness and that your serious. And yet you have an open, loving heart. Number nine. build that sense of humor. And when all else fails act. Ridiculous. And they'll go for it. Number 10 with your very young pre-verbal kids. We'll have to use just good old fashioned distract and redirect. And that's easy with that 10, 12, 14 month old. And then as a BONUS, I want to put this one in, because I think it's really important. we as parents in this modern world. Really need to build our own empathy. And empathy when your child cries or really does have a meltdown, a tantrum right out of frustration or fatigue. Because, they're lacking in their abilities to express themselves, to gain. control over the situation. But keep in mind that empathy does not mean to rescue them. It really is understanding their situation. And, very similar to what the story in the beginning with the mom who lost her toddler in the department store. When they do have a meltdown, you know, give them a hug. And really go to their emotional state. To recognize. Yes, I know you're upset. I get it. It's hard to leave, but it's time to go, honey. But you're giving them that moment. You're holding, literally holding their emotion. And their, physical energy while they cry or whine and just most of the time collapsed in your arms. Right. And that's part of that resettling that I'm always talking about. So you let them have their feelings in that moment. Before we move on to the next activity or before we make this transition right. And be mindful. For you not to get sucked into their sadness. What we want to do is confirm that his feelings are valid. and we have an open heart and we're kind to that and respectful. But firmly. Respect what we need to do as human being, right. We can't stay here and play at the playground forever. We can't, have another ice cream cone or whatever the situation is, That you help them pick themselves up and acknowledge their feelings without getting sucked into the emotion. And try your best. And this is one of the hardest things, but try your best to check in with yourself, recognize your energy level, your fatigue, your frustration. Take. Uh, breather, you know, say he's melting down there on the floor. And you take in a deep breath and realize he's 18 months. He's 26 months. He's 34 months. This is a big deal. What are wherever you are, whatever the transition he's had a lot of things going on today. Check in. Bring it into reality, right? And. And then meet him where he is. So the key takeaways. Children under three. I do not fully grasp the concept of no. As most parents might expect most adults, Including teachers. And understanding no is a developmental process. So even that three-year-old is not magically understanding or doesn't just wake up one day and say, oh, I know there's cause and effect in their dangers. Context is always relevant. The concept of no. Literally contradicts your young toddlers, natural inclination to explore and assert their independence, making it challenging for them. To fully understand and accept our restrictions. But they will over time. If we're consistent, if we're firm. Kind and loving. But very, very consistent. So take that with you as you move into the holidays, as you plan for this coming new year, 2024. Let it be bold. Let it be courageous. Let it be fun. And let it be kind and firm as you recreate. your atmosphere at home. And just a quick reminder, if you're gaining benefit From these episodes, please consider writing a positive review. Apple podcast, Spotify. Whatever platform you're using is the only way that I can continue to expand my reach and find parents just like you, who want to support their child's early development? So, yes, talking toddlers is expanding to YouTube next week. That's very exciting. right now you're an audio listener. So go ahead on apple podcasts or Spotify and I would be so, so grateful. Thanks for listening. God bless and see you next week.