TTM #15 BE A YES AND SAY NO
You are listening to me talking to myself. Welcome to the podcast, where I share useful tools to create more space, more freedom, inner peace, connection, and life on purpose.
I love saying no. Nothing feels more empowering than saying no. Saying no is not easy and most of us don't do it enough. Saying no to things, to people, to opportunities, to relationships, thoughts, beliefs, habits, experiences, jobs, opinions, parts of our current version of ourselves that no longer serve us, that are outdated, and that we don't truly want. So that we can say yes to what we love, and truly want to keep and have and create.
When we have a lot of things in our life that we don't love, and we don't use, that don't bring us joy, we start to feel burdened by those things. Not just things, but also people, relationships, jobs, thoughts, and beliefs. And so often we are holding on to those things just because we had a relationship with them in the past, and a lot of us feel like if we don't continue the relationship that somehow we are invalidating the experience that we have had. And a lot of times our relationships with things and with people are complete, and we are now just dragging them along with us because we don't want to say no. And dragging things along with you because you don't want to say no to them, will slow you down, will ultimately take up space in your life you could fill with new people, new experiences, new ideas and opportunities. Say no to things, to items in your home, to relationships, to jobs, to your thoughts, because NO allows for YES. And if you want to have a new version of your life, you have to learn how to say no to the old one.
So how do you know when to say no? Ask yourself: Would I invite this into my life today? Would I be friends with this person right now? Would I buy it again today? Would I start a relationship with this person if we met today? Would I adopt this way of thinking today? And if the answer is no, then this might be a NO. If we are growing, evolving ourselves moving towards more of what we want in the world, we need to let go of the past. We have to be willing to let go of parts of our current identity, parts of our current thinking and beliefs, friends, people, things, so we can evolve to that next version.
If you think about that next version of yourself you're moving towards and you want to become, ask yourself: Is this version, my future self, having those things, those friends, those relationships, those thoughts, beliefs, and actions? Most people believe that the only reason to say no to something is if something has gone wrong. If it's broken. And this is not true. There doesn't have to be something wrong. You don’t have to have a conflict for you to say no to it. In fact, you can love that thing, love the job, love that person and just not need it or want it in your life anymore, for whatever reason.
So why is it hard to say NO. Because you have to make a decision. And that requires taking responsibility and dealing with consequences. We don't want to feel discomfort. It's easier just to hold on to everything and not to have to decide to let it go.
Another reason is, that some of us are afraid of the regret we will feel, so we don't make a decision because we'll regret not having done it sooner. And then sometimes we don’t want to make that decision because we're afraid that we'll regret letting go of that thing, ending the relationship, or quitting the job. We're afraid of regretting it, so then we don't do it. We don't want to feel discomfort.
The other reason why saying no is hard is because of our brain's desire to avoid pain, seek pleasure, and to be efficient. Our brain likes to keep doing what it's always done. It's much more efficient, just to keep all the stuff around, same people and friends, same job for years, much more comfortable for the brain not to have to say no, not to have to change.
Saying no is hard because we have a fear of the unknown. We like what we know. We like the familiar even if we know it's not serving us. There's comfort in it. Our brain likes to think same thoughts which ultimately create the same results. Check out episode nine on how our thoughts create our results.
Another reason why most of us don't like saying no to anything is because we would rather avoid, we would rather avoid any stimulus that causes us to have any flavour of negative emotion. So many of us believe that our lives should be happy all of the time. Why would we say no and feel uncomfortable?
If you look back or listen back to all the reasons, to sum up, we don't say no, because we don't want to feel a negative emotion. We don't want to feel uncomfortable. So the unconscious reaction of our brain is finding all possible ways to not to feel it. And this is a great example of how negative emotions are part of our human experience if we want to live a conscious life and create on purpose, which includes saying yes and saying no, and being with whatever comes up. That's why the skill of feeling negative emotions, being with them and processing them is a powerful tool to have to live a conscious life. Negative emotions are not a problem. They're just vibrations in our body. They are harmless if we welcome them. Go back to Episode 14 to learn the skill of processing negative emotions.
So why saying no is actually useful? Our life is full of opportunities. When we look around, we have limitless opportunities to do things, to buy things, to watch things, to read things, to try things, to eat things, to drink things. When we go into the store, we have limitless invitations to spend money. When we look at our phones, we have limitless invitations to scroll, to post, to text, to swipe, to follow, to watch, to record, to call, to play, to read, to click, to subscribe, to listen, to share, to save, to like, to unlike, to comment, reply, to block, to restrict, to connect, to upload. Wow. We need to constrain and say no to all the things that we do not want to be part of our life. All the things that do not serve us. Saying no to food that is not the right fuel, saying no to things that are outdated, saying no to people and relationships that are complete, saying no to offers and opportunities, social obligations, invitations that are not for you.
I had a friend, when a homeless person would ask him for money, he would reply ‘No thank you’. It makes total sense. The homeless person offers you an opportunity to give money and you just say ‘no thank you’.
Constraint is what provides for progress and in order to have constraint, which means you constrain your attention to just a few important things, you have to be able to say no to all the other things. We need to let go of what is good, so we can become great. We need to become unavailable to our current life, our current thinking, believing, and acting to create a new version of the life we want. When you allow for so much good in your life, you can't constrain for great, you can't make space for it.
It takes energy to have things, and friends, and relationships. It takes time and energy to take care of them, to repair them, to store them, to clean them, to focus on them, to create time for them, to work on them, to think about them. So make a conscious decision what you want in your life and what you're actually dragging along.
Let's talk about ending and saying no to relationships with things, thoughts, beliefs and people from a place of completion, instead of feeling like there were failures, or should have never happened. You can still love something and someone and decide that the relationship is complete with people, things, and jobs. This relationship has fulfilled me to the highest amount that I can be fulfilled within this relationship. And I love you, and I'm moving on. Everything can have its season and then you can let it go. NO can feel loving and good and doesn't have to be filled with anger and resentment and hate.
So take an inventory of what you currently have, become aware of that. Do this with things in your life, in your house, with your friendships, with people, jobs, habits, with everything.
Pick a category and make a list. Go through and decide on purpose if you want to say NO. The way that you do that is by asking yourself, Would I buy it again? Do I love this today? Do I want it today? Is it serving me? Is it outdated? Is it something I used to love that used to serve me and it no longer is? And if you say no, then you just let it go. And let yourself feel the loss. And then once you've said no to those things, then you have space to create what you want, for the things that are a yes. As with all decisions you commit to, say no and do not look back, allow an ending to be what it is, choose not to regret it. That is a decision that you get to make. Stay true to your NOs, so you can move forward to YESs.
Maybe it's saying no to working on weekends. Maybe it's saying no to doing some jobs you used to do and you don't want to do anymore. Maybe it's saying no to going out and doing things that are harmful for you.
For example, when I decided not to work in the evenings for reasons I mentioned in previous episodes I had and still have to say no to a lot of opportunities to do so. In the beginning, it feels very uncomfortable because your brain is confused. It's like ‘wait, we used to say yes all the time, what is happening?’. The brain likes to be efficient and keep doing same things that are familiar. You have said yes so many times. That's why it felt so comfortable and familiar. So when you say no, it might feel like somebody else is moving your lips for you. The more you practice saying no, the easier it becomes. It's just practice until it feels like your new identity and you feel comfortable. Now I don't even consider working in the evenings. And again, allow yourself to be with that discomfort when you say no for the first time, and observe yourself what you're actually feeling. Observe your feelings. Observe those vibrations, observe your thoughts that come up. Do not escape. Do not avoid it, just be with it. Maybe for 10 minutes. It's not a big deal.
Say no, commit to a decision. Do not overthink it. Be with the discomfort that comes up and move on to the yes. And it doesn't mean that you don't care about that thing or the person or the job you said no to. You can love it and you can let it go.
Setting boundaries is a useful tool and skill to say no in your emotional and physical life. A lot of people think that boundaries are things that we do to control other people. And that is not the case. Boundaries are a way that we take care of and protect ourselves. Boundaries are not something that we create for other people. We create them for ourselves. What a boundary is, it’s a really clear request of somebody else with a really clear consequence. The consequence is something that you will do. It is a behaviour that you will take.
Example: If you come to my house uninvited and knock on my door, I will not open the door. I am saying no to this person coming to my house without prior notice. And my consequence is: I will not open the door. And remember, that person that you're making the request to, can continue doing whatever they would like to do, and people most likely will keep doing what they are doing. do not expect people to understand your request. Most likely, especially people who don't have boundaries themselves will not understand and that's okay. The boundary is for you to protect your personal space. You make a request, you give them the option to do whatever they would like to do and then you follow through on that request, you're not expecting that person to follow your rules, you can't control the person. Your job is to follow through with the consequence.
Most of what we think needs a boundary is our own lack of self-care that doesn't really require a boundary. Just saying no is not a boundary, saying no and then following it up with your own action is what makes it a boundary. Saying no and threatening someone or telling them how they should behave is not a boundary. A boundary is only required when there has been a boundary violation. Like someone coming into your personal space, like literally coming into your house without permission, coming into your emotional space, your physical space without permission. A boundary is you stating what you will do if the person continues that behaviour. it is not you telling the person how to behave. Just saying no is not setting a boundary.
So how do we say no? Let's start with that. Most of you are really afraid to say no. And when you say no, you usually want to offer a lie as an explanation in an effort to control how the other person thinks of you. You are afraid of hurting other people's feelings and you're afraid of feeling negative emotions, like guilt yourself. Just a reminder that we cannot hurt other people's feelings. We are not that powerful. Feelings come from thoughts in our brain, and you can't create thoughts for somebody else. check out episode 13 for deep dive on emotions. And again, check out episode 14 on how to feel and process
negative emotions. Emotion is just a vibration in your body. It's not a big deal. It's a bit of discomfort for 10 minutes. If you're a person who never says no, because you're afraid of saying no and you're afraid of what someone else would think about you and you say yes when you want to say no, and you lie to them instead of saying no, you can set yourself up for boundary violations. By not telling the truth and not having self-respect, you basically create a situation where boundary violations are very easy.
What if I don't know how to say no?
Let's tell the truth. We all know how to say no. We all know how to say no. It's just NO. Or ‘No thank you’. The rest is a beautiful package covering the truth. The important part of saying no is that it comes from a calm place of integrity and truth, your truth. It should not come from anger or resentment or with an intention to actually offend someone on purpose. It's a very different energy. And the beautiful package around the NO is there just to manipulate people so they think nice things about you and like you. So you could ask yourself, Do I care about people liking me for who I am not? Or do I care about people liking me for who I am because I'm telling the truth? I rather have people disliking me for who I am than liking me for who I am not. And I know that I will attract my people who will understand and support and those are the people I want to say yes to.
So we don't want to say no, just because we are afraid of what other people might think of us. And this is uncomfortable. Other people have expectations of how we should behave, society has expectations of what is appropriate. So it's much easier to stay comfortable and avoid any kind of conflict or confusion.
Saying no is something you have to get good at doing. So you can get good at saying yes to the things that you really want. You don't have to do anything. You always have the option of saying no. When you say no, you are choosing to say no. And when you say yes, you are choosing to say yes, you do not ever have to say yes when you mean no. When you don't say no to something you are choosing to do that thing that you haven't said no to. Make sure you're being really honest with yourself. Most of us don't set proper boundaries by saying the truth to people, then we start getting violated by that.
Another thing that people think what boundaries are is standing up for yourself. Standing up for yourself is not setting a boundary, standing up for yourself usually comes from resistance, defence and anger. You're taking an action from a negative emotion, you're probably going to end up yelling or saying something inappropriate. Standing up for yourself is not a boundary.
You can always say no and you don't have to offer an explanation ever. And people get to behave, how they want to, always. Let people be who they are and you can be who you are, and say no. People will show up uninvited and knock anyway. They will be late. They will say things you asked them not to say, they will do things you ask them not to. This is what people do. They are allowed to do whatever they want. You don't need to understand the reasons for them doing that. And if you want to, you can, and still, say no to this and YES to taking care of your private space. And you are responsible for following through with the consequence. There is no one else to blame if you don't do so.
So how do you have the courage to say no? Say no, If yes is a light. And if the truth is one of your values, choose courage over comfort. It is the courage to be uncomfortable. The worst thing that can happen is an emotion. Emotions are harmless. They are just vibrations. Welcome them. We cannot control other people's feelings and actions. People will get inspired if they want to get inspired. People will judge if they want to judge, people will take it personally, people will feel rejected, angry, sad, offended, all the things. People will do what people do and what they choose to do. It's none of your business. Let people be, do, and think what they want. And other people's expectations of how you should behave and live your life, other people's plans for your life have nothing to do with you. This is non of your business. Let them deal with their own expectations and their own disappointments. You can't protect other people from feeling negative emotions. Negative emotions are part of every human experience. Do them a favour and give them an opportunity to experience a negative emotion and practice how to process it. It is a very useful skill. Send them my podcast, episode 14.
And you know what, I realised, sometimes we feel so afraid of saying no. And we spent hours and days rethinking how and what to say and when we do so, the other person is like ‘okay, cool’. And that's it. So, worry pretends to be necessary, but serves no useful purpose.
And from my own experience, every time I said no to projects, jobs, people, or things, it always created space for something I truly wanted to say yes to. We live in an abundant universe, opportunities are limitless.
Let people be wrong about you. We spend a lot of time saying yes when we mean no in a way to manipulate how people think about us. Saying yes to things we should do and we cannot say no to, like ‘I should spend more time with my family. I should go to work events. I should buy gifts for Christmas.’ Yes, for sure. But always check in what feeling it comes from. Is it actually what you want to do? Or is it coming from a feeling of guilt and you just want to make people think that you're a nice person? Do you give your time, money, presence, or service because you want to or because you try to manipulate people how you want them to think about you? That's the test. How are you feeling when you're giving? How are you feeling when you're saying yes? How are you feeling when you're saying no? If it's coming from a negative place, you're probably not telling the truth. That takes us right into people pleasing.
People pleasers are liars. If you're a people pleaser, you tell people what they want to hear and you do what people want you to do in order to get them to like you. This is not kindness. This is manipulation. And then you feel resentment and anger because you don't tell the truth. So many of people pleasers end up being so mad and angry at themselves for constantly saying yes. And constantly people-pleasing when they really want to say no. When you want to say no, but instead you say ‘sure, that sounds amazing. I would love to do that. I have nothing else in my plan.’ Then while doing that thing you said yes to, you are hating a person and what you're doing. That matters. The energy you put into whatever it is you're doing matters. because this is how your life will feel. If you show up out of obligation, feeling resentment all the time, this is how your life will feel. And the energy is so different when you actually want to do that thing.
Do not say yes to jobs and projects and things you actually don't want to do. There are so many opportunities that you would love to say yes to, but you waste your energy on things you don't, just because you don't want to be uncomfortable while you say no. You trade a minute of discomfort for hours, months, maybe years of resentment and anger. It's nonsense. say no if it's not 100% a Yes. We live in an abundant universe. There are limitless opportunities that are for you. If somebody offers you a job or a project that is not what you want, and it is not 100% Yes, do not take up space of somebody who would love to do it and would be 100% Yes. Just because you don't want to feel the discomfort of saying no, you take somebody else's opportunity to bring more value to the company or to get his ideal job. If it's not 100% Yes, there is someone for whom it is. If your partner is not 100% Yes, say no and make space for someone who is. If you are not 100% Yes for your partner, make space for someone who is.
I never do things that I don't want to do. I'm generous, I'm helpful and kind but it always comes from an authentic place. It makes my life and my relationships much more authentic. And my relationship with myself first. I never feel like somebody else is making me do things. I don't feel resentment when I show up. I don't need to blame anyone or anything for feeling a certain way. It was my choice. I said yes.
Do kind things for other people only when you want to, only when they are the truth. Make sure you like your reasons for doing it and that the reason isn't so they will like you.
Sometimes I say no to people and they might think that I'm not kind or not generous or I don't care. They think I'm selfish. And I'm okay with people being wrong about me. It takes a lot to offend me. I know what is true about me, and I don't need to prove it to anyone. I just know that those people are not aware or have not done their work, and live the life of people pleasing, and have no boundaries themselves. And this is not how I want to live my life. I know that I'm kind, giving but also an authentic person and I tell the truth.
Say no when you don't want to do something. Say no if yes is a lie. Tell the truth. Give people that honour, tell them the truth. And you might lose some relationships but those who are meant to stay will get even deeper because people will actually care and appreciate the truth. If you say no, it makes the relationship much more intimate and authentic. People know that they can trust you because you say the truth. You're not trying to manipulate them or make them like you by saying yes to everything and telling them what they want to hear. They know that if you say yes, it is a true Yes. When people walk over you it's because you're lying on the ground in their way. When people use you, it's because you let them. Do not do that to yourself.
People can say and do whatever they want. We don't control them until they literally cross a physical or emotional boundary. And even then we don't control them, we control ourselves. Physical boundaries are easy to identify. We have physical bodies and don't allow others to touch us in any way or only in certain ways. Emotional boundaries are usually a lot more subjective. Some people have boundaries around swearing, interrupting, or raising their voice. When you have an emotional boundary around something, you might communicate it or you may just take the appropriate action without communicating. For example, if you don't like to be around someone who is swearing, you can leave. it is your job to respect your boundary. You can ask people to stop but if they don't, your boundary is about what you do, not what they do.
If you make a boundary request and don't follow through, you've actually only made an empty threat that diminishes your own self-respect and other people's for you. You have basically set a boundary but you haven't taken care of following through on that boundary for yourself. That is your responsibility. If you don't respect your boundary if you don’t do what you said you would do, other people certainly won't have any respect for you either. And this is the most common reason why people do not set boundaries because they do not want to follow through on the consequence.
The reason why we don't tell people why we don't say no is because we are afraid of what they would think. Saying no is not a boundary but not saying no can have you end up with a lot of boundary violations. You don't need to stand up for yourself when you're constantly telling the truth and being honest with people in respecting your own space and your own time by telling the truth about it. People pleasing is what gets most people into a lot of boundary violations. It's not a kind of thing. People pleasing is not a kind thing, people pleasing as manipulation, and you'll end up being resentful and angry and it's your own fault. A boundary is never about trying to control someone else's behaviour, it is about you managing yourself and your own actions.
There is so much freedom without manipulating people's thinking, feelings, and actions. Feelings are caused by thoughts and actions come from feelings. We cannot control other people's thoughts. We have our own brain. There's a lot and enough work to do in there. Do not try to do the work for other people. You cannot be in somebody else's brain, and it gives us so much freedom. You have your own brain, you have your own thoughts to manage. That's enough work. Let other people manage their own brains. It is their job.
People who want to judge will find reasons and opportunities to judge anyway. People who want to be jealous will be jealous anyway. People who want to gossip, will do that anyway, and people who are focusing on their own work, their own journey, and their own life, they have probably done the work on themselves and they will see every NO they hear as an opportunity.
If the other person feels offended and blames you for hurting their feelings, it is their inner work, their insecurities, and inability to be with rejection and uncomfortable emotions. I have way more respect for people who say no than people who say yes when they want to say no. It means they know exactly what they want. They know how to take care of themselves. They know how to set boundaries, they know their values, they're telling the truth and they do not sacrifice their integrity. Because I know when they say yes, they really mean it. It is a true Yes. We live in an abundant universe. There are limitless opportunities out there. Do not block yourself from what is meant for you by saying yes to things and people that are not. You know when it is a NO if it does not feel right. Listen to how it feels. Listen to that inner voice and your intuition. Be a yes to your life and say no to whatever you don't want to be part of it. Say no if yes is a lie. I wish you a lot of opportunities for saying NO. It's really fun.
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