TTM #16 DISCOMFORT ON PURPOSE
You are listening to me talking to myself. Welcome to the podcast, where I share useful tools to create more space, more freedom, inner peace, connection, and life on purpose.
Growth is hard. It's not something we do naturally or willingly. If left to our own devices we will stagnate. It's not because there's something wrong with us. It's because of the motivational triad. We have evolved only to be motivated by survival. Our goal as humans has been three things: seek pleasure, avoid pain, and expend minimal effort. This type of motivation has worked for 1000s of years. It kept our species alive and well. And now it's killing us. Literally, we're no longer forced to survive. Seeking pleasure and avoiding pain is what sends us into addiction, obesity and disease. Avoiding pain keeps us from moving forward with creating and contributing, and expending minimal effort has us doing very little to evolve.
In order to grow, we have to adopt a new motivational triad. We have to be willing to move towards discomfort, so we can keep evolving and growing. Our newfound comfort seems safe, but it is the opposite of safe. It's the effect of surviving but it's also the opposite of what we need in order to keep moving forward in our evolution.
Here's a new way of looking at our personal motivation towards growth: Seek growth, embrace discomfort, expend massive effort wisely.
That is the privilege of being a human. We can use our brain to manage our brain. Commitments require courage. If our commitment does not require courage, it's not a big enough commitment. Commitments that make us grow are going to take us out of our comfort zone. If we are feeling doubt, fear and confusion, we are doing it right. Those are the emotions that our brain presents us with whenever we are putting ourselves against the outdated motivational triad. That is where we have to tap into our courage to overcome the discomfort. Each time we do this, we get better at it and we grow.
“I'm not as far along as I want to be.” Why would it be? The reason why any of us aren't as far along as we want to be, whether it’s working on a project, working towards our goals, is because we have chosen not to be uncomfortable. The more we choose discomfort, the more we choose to put ourselves out there, the more we choose to try new things and be willing to fail at them over and over, the more successful we are going to be. If we want to be further along in our life, we have to embrace more discomfort. That is the solution.
It is very uncomfortable to change. It is very uncomfortable to do new things. It is very uncomfortable to risk failure and it is very uncomfortable to risk rejection, and here's why: Our brain doesn't like it. Brain doesn't like change, brain doesn't like to be uncomfortable. Brain doesn't like doing new things that are unfamiliar. And those thoughts that come up in the process of growing - judgments, irritation, insecurities create so much discomfort. The brain is trying to be protective. The only way we evolve is by overcoming that reaction that our brain has to doing new things. The very thing that will help us evolve and survive is also the very thing that holds us back.
So fear is protective when it's necessary and it is damaging when it is not. And so when is fear necessary? When we need to use our adrenaline to run away from a bear or person with a knife running after us. That's when it comes in very handy. But most of us are afraid of rejection in a very illogical way. Because we associate it with not being part of a tribe as complete isolation and death. And we associate a rejection with not being part of a tribe. And as humans we all want to belong. Putting ourselves out there and risking rejection is a real thing. We will be rejected, especially if we are doing something big, something different. There will be people that will dislike us and the more we do, the more opinions people will have about us. It's okay. It's part of the deal. We just have to learn how to manage it. We have to learn how to have people not like us and not go hide in a hole somewhere which is where we feel safe, but hiding isn't safe.
So thinking that just by not getting rejected by other people that we're avoiding rejection is false because if we don't allow ourselves to be rejected by other people, we are rejecting ourselves ahead of time by not even trying. It is not safety. It is the opposite of safety. And it's just as uncomfortable. We might feel comfortable in the moment, but long-term we will have this feeling inside that we could do more, we could be more, we could contribute more.
Let's talk about the different types of discomfort. In order for us to grow into the next version of ourselves, we are going to be uncomfortable. We are not going to be in familiar surroundings, having familiar thoughts and having familiar emotions if we are pushing ourselves beyond our current comfort zone. That level of discomfort can be managed when we understand that it's part of the process. And what that feels and looks like is doubt and fear and frustration and confusion, insecurity, rejection, and failure. So when we are pushing ourselves into new environments, into new expectations of ourselves, we are going to challenge our primitive brain. Our primitive brain likes sameness. Our primitive brain likes to keep us safe. So when we go out into the world and when we set big goals for ourselves, our primitive brain feels very uncomfortable and starts panicking.
Failure is an inevitable part of success. The brain finds failure to be threatening because back in the day when we would fail, we would probably die. Now when we fail, it may be a little bit of rejection. The brain doesn't know that. The brain is responding from a very primitive place. So that type of discomfort has to be understood and managed and expected as we grow and uplevel our life. This is not to be confused with a discomfort that comes from beating ourselves up. Those are two very different types of discomfort. One discomfort is one that propels us forward, it creates growth. It makes us stronger. It teaches us. The other one does the exact opposite. It holds us back, it resists us and it moves us backwards or keeps us the same. If we are not putting ourselves out there and overcoming our doubt and setting big goals for ourselves, basically we are hiding and beating ourselves up and calling it the discomfort of growth, that is not the same thing.
So there is the discomfort of not evolving, not growing, not allowing who we are meant to be, who we want to be, the potential of us, not allowing that out is very uncomfortable. And unfortunately we can treat that discomfort with false pleasures. Now as humans we are not forced to evolve because we can stay where we are and feel that push inside to grow and experience that discomfort and not act to change our life in any way. Because we can just treat it with false pleasures and get that instant gratification that covers up that push for growth we have inside. So the motivation to actually feeling that discomfort on purpose and delay gratification, we need to generate ourselves.
Instant gratification is a habit where we forget short-term pain and instead indulge in fleeting pleasures that ultimately result in long-term pain. We find reasons, excuses, not to do something because of the pain it creates at the moment even though we know that this action is necessary to help us attain our long-term goals. Delayed gratification is a habit where we give up short-term pleasure, comfort in the moment, in order to gain significant long-term rewards in future. We stay away from short term temptations that might distract us from our long-term goals, and instead focus on what we need to do to achieve our desired long-term outcomes. Getting into the habit of delaying gratification gives us more control over our life, decisions, and actions.
When we let go of all that false pleasure, the point of our existence is to evolve.
If we do not evolve, if we do not change, we will be uncomfortable. It is the discomfort of stagnation. So basically we will be uncomfortable either way. We either feel the discomfort of growth or the a discomfort of stagnation. We can't escape the discomfort, it will be there anyway. And the discomfort of stagnation comes from us escaping that discomfort of growth.
Instead of going out, moving towards our goals, creating things, and feeling the discomfort that is required in the process, many of us choose to be comfortable in the moment provided by false pleasures, which ultimately leads to discomfort of stagnation. So if we will feel discomfort either way, we might as well get the results we want. We might as well achieve the goals that we set, build that strong immune system, get the body that we want, write that book. We will feel discomfort anyway, discomfort of growth or discomfort of stagnation. We can have pleasure just not at the expense of our growth.
Discomfort is the currency for our dreams. Because that discomfort is required for us to change, to be in unfamiliar situations, to have our identity shifting. All of those things are going to be uncomfortable because they're unfamiliar and they don't have that cover of false pleasure. So look for the discomfort that is leading to the place where you want to go. Instead of trying to avoid it, actually move towards it. The better we get at being uncomfortable, the better we get at everything. If we can be uncomfortable, we can experience fear and do it anyway. It's not about being fearless. It's about feeling the fear and doing it anyway. We are human, we will feel everything. There is no such thing as not being afraid. If our brain is working correctly, we'll be afraid a lot of the time, especially if we're asking a lot of ourselves. So how do we get good at discomfort? By being uncomfortable. As always it is a practice. Some of us try to be happy all the time, with all that false pleasure, which makes us ultimately completely dissatisfied because we are not growing. We are stagnating. So if you think about the worst that can happen is an uncomfortable emotion, That the worst thing that can happen on a way to dreams, then what's the big deal? If the the worst that can happen is we don't quite get there in the time frame we thought we would, but we have given it our all, even if we are not excited and we didn't meet our goal, but we can be proud and happy that we gave it all we had. What's the alternative? Never trying? What if we pursue the rejection on purpose, the rejection, the embarrassment, the humiliation, the fear - all of it on purpose to get good at it.
The reason why it's so hard to meditate, work out, so hard to pursue our dreams is, we are constantly trying to avoid negative emotions. What makes it easy is when we look at it, search for it, go for it, go towards it and learn how to feel it. Go back to Episode 14 on the art of feeling bad. We are afraid of what people will think, afraid of rejection, afraid of making a mistake. But if we are not afraid of our own fear, if we are not afraid of feeling embarrassment, then there is nothing we would not be willing to do.
So why is the growth worth it? Ask yourself that. And maybe it isn't to you. But what is so great about growth? Why is everyone always talking about growing and evolving and becoming more of who we are meant to be?
Why does that matter? And nobody can give the answer, but you. Look at your own life and make that choice. Do you want the discomfort of stagnation or do you want the discomfort of growth? The discomfort of stagnation never changes. You never get any better at it. You never get any growth from it. The discomfort of growth is always new, is always exciting, is always different. You are evolving. And it's for me and for many of you who are listening to this podcast, this is what you want. You want something different you want something better. You want to see what you're capable of, you want to see what is possible for you.
So some of you may have an answer that you like. Some of you may choose false pleasure over growth, and that is okay. But it doesn't make you immune to the discomfort. You're going to feel it anyway. We all are. That's what makes the comfort possible. Right? We can't define comfort without discomfort. So look at the discomfort that you may be avoiding. If you spend your life without escaping and false pleasures and you notice that you're dissatisfied, the answer is not to start escaping again. The answer is to explore what it is that you want. And not because you need to change something in order to feel better. But so you can feel better in order to change something just because you want to.
Discomfort is a good thing. Discomfort is part of the deal. What is the answer to building muscle? Discomfort. What is the answer to not overeating? Discomfort. What is the answer to realising your dreams? Discomfort. What is the answer to creating life on purpose? Discomfort. Discomfort is the currency for our dreams. Are you willing to pay the price? I hope your answer is yes.
So how do you know if you're in discomfort that serves you or if you're in discomfort that doesn't serve you? And it's a really important question for you to ask yourself because the confusion between the two is the difference between success and failure long term. And the short term discomfort for the long term gain is always worth it as long as it's the right kind of discomfort. You're feeling discomfort that is actually serving you. So here's how you know. You ask yourself, Why am I uncomfortable? What is the reason I'm experiencing discomfort? So the answer will always be a thoughts because our thoughts always cause our feelings. If the thought that comes to your mind is ‘I'm not good at this. This is too hard. This is too confusing. I'm never going to be able to do this I am not good enough, etc.’ If those are the thoughts that are driving the discomfort, you're having discomfort that is not serving you. When you ask yourself, Why am I experiencing discomfort? And the answer is because I'm moving towards something I'm not used to, I'm trying something new. I'm exploring and putting myself in unfamiliar situations. Then you know that you are experiencing discomfort that is serving you. That will be worth it, because you're changing and growing.
Discomfort is the currency for our dreams. It does not mean to put ourselves in uncomfortable situation and all of our dreams will come true. Its means - set yourself a goal, manage your mind, and move forward with massive action towards that end result and never quit. That's going to cause a lot of discomfort. Massive Action does not mean working all day and night and sacrificing your sleep and health and relationships and your values and your integrity. Massive Action means taking a strategic action until you get the desired result, and not being in a rush. So you will know if you're in discomfort that is serving you because you will feel the level of accomplishment in moving forward and you will feel that discomfort of trying something new and not getting the level of success that you had hoped for in the process towards it. That is a very healthy discomfort. you've moved yourself forward. but once you have taken action, you have created something that wasn't there before.
What you make that to mean that you have not quite achieved that goal or it didn't quite work out how you imagined it, will determine whether you continue to move forward or whether your discomfort starts to move you backwards. And that will be determined by how you think, determined by the way how you define failure, and what you think about yourself in the process. If you see every failure as an opportunity to grow, to show up differently, to try more, this discomfort serves you, but if you use every failure to see yourself as a failure, and as not good enough, that's the discomfort that moves you backward. So the goal is not just to be uncomfortable. The goal is to choose the discomfort that is bringing us closer towards our goals. Being uncomfortable and hoping that our dreams will come true, sitting there and complaining about the discomfort is not useful. If one thing doesn't work, try another thing until it works. You have to keep moving forward. That will be uncomfortable and that will serve you.
You will know if you're moving in the right direction, when looking back in two months of taking massive action, you will be in a different place than you are right now. This is the discomfort that helps you grow. But if you look back and you're still doing the same thing producing the same result, then you know for sure that you are being uncomfortable in a way that isn't serving you.
One of the ways that you can question this for yourself is ask yourself, Is this discomfort coming from a loving place? Is this discipline I am creating for myself coming from a loving place? When we discipline ourselves we do a lot of uncomfortable things. We do things on our calendar that we don't want to do. We eat foods that we may not want to eat. We don't eat foods that maybe we would rather eat. We get up early, we train, we work on that project. We practice, we meditate. We do cold showers, we study for exams. This is loving discipline for me, and it's usually focused on that long term-game. So ask yourself, Is this something I am doing for me? And you will notice the difference between loving discipline and beating yourself up if you ask those questions.
So knowing that you deserve your dreams and that you're capable, will require you to incorporate some discomfort, some loving discipline into your life, that will serve you. So some examples of loving discipline and discomfort on purpose would be: going to the gym and working out, telling yourself the truth, which might be uncomfortable, telling other people the truth, meditation, doing your inner mind work, showing up on the mat consistently for your practice and being uncomfortable with poses that are maybe a little bit challenging. Choosing fuel food, preparing and studying, saying NO, check out episode 15 on that topic, having discipline with your sleep, honouring your word and plans, following through on commitments that we make, planning of day and week, having uncomfortable conversations, being present with and processing negative emotions. Check out episode 14.
So many of those things in our lives are uncomfortable, but those are the things that move us forward. Something we do on purpose that doesn't immediately give us pleasure, but gives us a great long term result.
Let's talk about some examples that is discomfort that doesn't serve us. Some of the discomfort that we inflict on ourselves comes from the thoughts that we deserve punishment.
Like ‘I ate chocolate, I will punish myself with two hours of cardio’, that we aren't good enough, that we should be better. And that's a big difference. There is this idea that self-care means that we should be comfortable. When people are talking about self-care or self-love, yhey talk a lot about baths and massages and facials and manicures and cheat meals and comfort. And what I believe is that there is a comfort that is actually not serving us, that leads us backwards, and there is a discomfort that moves us forward. And some of the best self-care that I have ever done in my life has been through discomfort. Self care for me means discipline. check out episode eight. Discipline in what I eat, my morning routine, showing up for myself, my training, my practice, meditation, consistency, integrity with what I say and telling the truth. One of the best ways that we can take care of ourselves is setting proper honest boundaries with people. Telling people NO is one of the strongest acts of self-care and that is very uncomfortable. Check out episode 15.
So the reason I love discomfort is because it ultimately serves us at the highest level and helps us evolve into the best version of ourselves. So it is not about comfort and discomfort, but there is discomfort that serves us and we can utilise and there is discomfort that's unnecessary and self-inflicted that doesn't serve us. And we don't have to throw out all of discomfort and only seek comfort because seeking comfort all the time and trying to feel good all of the time actually leads to that discomfort that doesn't serve us. Being happy all the time is not the goal of life. Go back to Episode 13 on this topic.
When we make peace with the discomfort of negative emotion, there is actually a comfort in the discomfort. And until we have practised this, it is hard to understand what it actually means. But what happens is, you make peace with that experience and therefore you start enjoying it. Like for example, you make peace with the discomfort of working out or meditation and you start to enjoy the process and the benefits. Sometimes we make it so much worse by resisting and avoiding it. When we make peace with meditation being challenging and not fun, and irritating sometimes, we can let go of the judgement how it should be, how it was last time and how we should feel in the end of it, and just be with the experience. If you embrace loving discipline, that discomfort actually becomes less uncomfortable. When we embrace discomfort, we realise that discomfort actually isn't so bad, and ironically we become comfortable with being uncomfortable. Stay away from the discomfort that comes from self-inflicted pain, from undisciplined thinking, and embrace the discomfort that moves us forward.
Our brain wants to keep us safe, to survive, to stay comfortable. This is what brains do, but the danger is different than 1000s of years ago. There is no real danger. The only danger is a negative emotion. The discomfort of growth is always better than the discomfort of stagnation. So if you're going to feel uncomfortable, you can either feel uncomfortable growing or you can feel uncomfortable stagnating, you will feel discomfort anyway. The discomfort of growth keeps us evolving. It keeps us moving forward. Not choosing growth will not feel comfortable. You can stay there and be familiar but there will always be that discomfort of not following that urge inside of you to become better and more of who you are. Our human instinct is to grow, to move, to create, and when we honour that, we feel more alive. I wish you a lot of opportunities to be uncomfortable on purpose.
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