See You On The Other Side
80 | It's Time to Do The Work Now (with Ally)
When Allie first shared her story of personal transformation through psychedelics on our second season, it struck a chord with so many of you. Now she's back, ready to pull back the curtain on the continuous journey that began with a single mushroom trip, and has since woven its way into the fabric of her daily life after. Her laughter is contagious, and her openness about the integration of these experiences into her personal and familial relationships is as raw as it is relatable. Allie's candidness offers a map for those navigating the emotional terrain of self-acceptance and the complexities of redefining intimacy post-divorce.
Our conversation ventures into the lessons learned from letting go — whether it's the need for parental approval, a former relationship, or even past versions of ourselves. As Allie recounts her therapy sessions and the subsequent unraveling of long-held fears and boundaries, her story serves as a beacon for anyone struggling to find their footing amidst life's transitions. Her reflections on the ebb and flow of friendships and the challenges of facing internal battles remind us that transformation isn't a destination, but a path we walk with both courage and vulnerability.
Ending on a note of hilarity and heart, we traipse through the pursuit of spiritual growth that looks different for each of us. Allie's journey is a testament to the beauty of self-discovery, the power of authenticity, and the strength found in recognizing that every step, no matter how small or uncertain, is a part of the dance of healing and growth. Tune in and embrace the possibility that Allie's story might just be the catalyst for your own leap into self-transformation.
https://amzn.to/3y6YJRi
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Use code OTHERSIDE15 for 15% off
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Use code SYOTOS for 10% off
https://www.buzzsprout.com/1982724/support
Our Website:
https://linktr.ee/seeyouontheothersidepodcast
When Allie first shared her story of personal transformation through psychedelics on our second season, it struck a chord with so many of you. Now she's back, ready to pull back the curtain on the continuous journey that began with a single mushroom trip, and has since woven its way into the fabric of her daily life after. Her laughter is contagious, and her openness about the integration of these experiences into her personal and familial relationships is as raw as it is relatable. Allie's candidness offers a map for those navigating the emotional terrain of self-acceptance and the complexities of redefining intimacy post-divorce.
Our conversation ventures into the lessons learned from letting go — whether it's the need for parental approval, a former relationship, or even past versions of ourselves. As Allie recounts her therapy sessions and the subsequent unraveling of long-held fears and boundaries, her story serves as a beacon for anyone struggling to find their footing amidst life's transitions. Her reflections on the ebb and flow of friendships and the challenges of facing internal battles remind us that transformation isn't a destination, but a path we walk with both courage and vulnerability.
Ending on a note of hilarity and heart, we traipse through the pursuit of spiritual growth that looks different for each of us. Allie's journey is a testament to the beauty of self-discovery, the power of authenticity, and the strength found in recognizing that every step, no matter how small or uncertain, is a part of the dance of healing and growth. Tune in and embrace the possibility that Allie's story might just be the catalyst for your own leap into self-transformation.
https://amzn.to/3y6YJRi
1:1 Discovery Calls
Are psychedelics right for you on your healing journey? Book a discovery call to ask us anything.
Colors
Use code OTHERSIDE15 for 15% off
Microdosify
Use code SYOTOS for 10% off
https://www.buzzsprout.com/1982724/support
Our Website:
https://linktr.ee/seeyouontheothersidepodcast
is this the start of something beautiful? I think so. Okay, I love that okay welcome back, ali.
Speaker 3:Oh hi, the intro oh my god, wait, is that? I'm gonna? I'm gonna have to figure out where to edit that out that needs to be edited out.
Speaker 1:I can do that. I'm just gonna be in the background the whole time just wheezing this entire interview I'll cut that out oh, oh, thank you. Okay, so Allie was um one of our trip reports in season two and, for those who have not listened, I I think Leah and I pretty much peed ourselves the entire interview. I also cried. Well, yes, you did make us cry. I'm so good at that.
Speaker 2:I mean I made up for it. I mean you did make us cry, I'm so good at that. I mean you made up for it. I mean I make my mom cry all the time Doesn't take much for me.
Speaker 1:No, it really doesn't, but we are excited to have you back on season three. I thought you were just so entertaining and you just make me laugh, but also you have a lot of depth to you as well.
Speaker 3:You're a really great storyteller. You are a very great storyteller and I don't want to say entertainer, because it's not like you're here to entertain us, but like you make something, so like boring into something really fun and interesting. Well, I'm a generator. I don't know if that has anything to do with it. Energy, I think it does, maybe, okay.
Speaker 1:Even when she is talking about deep, dark, heavy stuff, the trauma that you've been through, like you have a way of like putting this little funny bow on it where it's. Even through the dark, heavy shit it's like easy to palette yeah, you still find the comedy, you still find the like.
Speaker 3:That's a way to live.
Speaker 1:It is a way to live.
Speaker 2:It really is. It makes things yeah.
Speaker 3:It's a gift.
Speaker 2:It's sometimes the only way I can get through it.
Speaker 3:Okay, would you say that humor is your coping. Yes, I don't know, though, because I feel like it's like that is something that that is just who you are.
Speaker 1:Oh, for sure it's very. Oh, she's always been.
Speaker 2:I mean I have clown blood in me.
Speaker 3:I don't.
Speaker 2:DNA. My family came from the circus. I am just a funky little dude.
Speaker 3:I can't well, and before you, before we started, I said I wanted to go into something you were like that's perfect, because that's the kind of one I wanted to talk about. And I really want to go into, like, where you are now versus where you were when you had your very first mushroom journey, which was when? Was the date? October 2022.
Speaker 2:Okay, so 18 months ago.
Speaker 3:Year and a half. You've had another one recently and we'll get into that one, but from your first one, when did we interview her? Like six months after, maybe, I think. What has happened since then? What has life looked like since then? Where are you now? Where?
Speaker 2:are they now? So I okay, let's see. So I think right after I interviewed with you guys, I rode that high on that first trip for a long time what's a long time? Like months? I mean I was still riding it when I interviewed with you guys and then I microdosed.
Speaker 2:I think it was right about after that that I started microdosing and like my first round of microdosing I was doing I think 12 weeks on and four weeks off, or eight weeks on, four weeks off, something like that, and I was just doing it every Monday, wednesday, friday. That worked best for me. And again that first round, it was like still, I'd come to work and people are like, oh, my God, you're so fun to be around. They could even tell when I'd come to work on Friday versus coming to work on Thursday. That I was a little bit different.
Speaker 2:Again, just like riding that high feeling. It was like this is the good life. And then I took my break, my four-week break, and when I went for round two it was like nothing happened, like I wasn't feeling the same. I mean, I was fine in the sense that I wasn't like hadn't fallen back into deep depression, but it just was like, okay, things are back to normal, which I think is when all of a sudden it hit and it was like it's work time, babe, like it's work time, like you?
Speaker 2:gotta stop riding that high yes, like you you did, because I was kind of like falling back on it, like on, you know it's giving me a boost and it's you know my life is great. It's great and then, yeah, I got back to all of a sudden it was like no, like it's not gonna be, it's not like a one-time hit and it just works for forever. Like it's time to do some hard stuff.
Speaker 1:I'm glad you're saying this because we talk a lot about integration, because I think that there can be a lot of confusion around that word and what that means. And there are a lot of people who ride that high. They have that high for a while, they have this really wonderful journey or really profound healing journey, and then they just they think that that's it and it's harder if there's not, if it's not like a dark journey, if it's like all like you feel good, they're like.
Speaker 3:how do you integrate that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I literally. I don't know if we had.
Speaker 3:I can't remember if I said this on the last podcast, but I, like I did my journey.
Speaker 2:We did my first journey on a Saturday and I remember I had explained about how my big thing was clarity about whether I should get a divorce and you know, my life was going to change. I did that journey on Saturday and on Sunday was when my ex has been walked in my room and said I think it's time for divorce. So I mean it was like, oh, this is integration. Like it happened like that, and I was like everything that I was looking for happened 24 hours later and so it was kind of like, yeah, it was so great and what I wanted happened, and then you didn't even have to do anything do anything.
Speaker 2:And I turned into this like, except for that first round of microdosing, all of a sudden I was like what is? What is it literally? What am I supposed to do? Like, what is integration?
Speaker 3:what were you saying about?
Speaker 1:what were you saying I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, you're okay, you're okay, um, I don't remember what I was saying, but I think a good maybe lesson in this is integration never really stops, no, even when. Okay, so you did get the divorce and you did that, but it's like there's always still work to do, there's always still healing to do, and not saying that healing has to be always heavy and hard and dark, but healing can also be light and laughter and fun and all of that, but like it never ends.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and healing for me was honestly just a lot of letting go of these like this had for myself that it just and I think I had told you too how, when I feel the need to work on things, like because I'm very self-aware, like when I go into therapy, I'm like I tell my therapist, I'm like this is what's wrong with me and this is where it comes from and this is what I need to do. And she's like okay, why are you paying? Carol ann? Yeah, it's carol ann, I love carol ann, I love carolyn. And so she's like okay, but are you doing it? And that's the problem. I sit here and I can analyze everything and she's like you intellectualize everything yes, are you doing it, alissa?
Speaker 2:and I'm like I mean I'll get to it, like maybe, eventually, eventually. And so I just had all these rules for myself and this, I can't do this and I can't do this. And so it it turned into this. Okay, I like I need to integrate, I need to do the work, I need to, you know, get this figured out. And I went into like a hole. I don't mean like a bad hole, I mean like a like nobody touched me. I'm like having enrichment time in my enclosure, like this is.
Speaker 3:I love that TikTok.
Speaker 2:Nobody mess with me. I didn't go out, I didn't. I mean I barely talked on the phone. I mean I don't even think, Christina, I don't think we hardly texted. I mean I was not. I mean, every like month my mom was like is your phone turned off? Are you really busy? You don't talk to anybody. I mean I wasn't hardly talking to my sister, I went full hermit mode and then it turned into this kind of shell of protection where then I started getting like oh, I've been.
Speaker 2:I mean I was literally just in my house, Like every day that I wasn't at work I was just in my house. And then it turned into like it's so comfortable and it's so nice and like now I don't want to go back out, and like it's safe and I don't want people to mess up the safe, Like I'm working on it, Cause, you know, my sister and I are very um, I do that cracking my knuckles Um, we're very open and honest with each other and we are very there's no holds barred with us. Like, we tell it like it is. And she, you know, I'd say something like oh, I can't do that. And she was like, yes, you can. I was like bitch, no, I can't and I would sit there. I can't go out, I can just go out to a bar with your friend, like no intention of going home with a guy or no intention, just do.
Speaker 1:And I was like no, no, the bubble says no, I'm working on myself still well, and to add to that, so for for those who have not listened to her, the episode about her first journey. You got married, married very young. Yeah, you went to a Christian college where you weren't able to like associate with the opposite sex off campus, like there were very, very, very strict rules. So the religious trauma that in you is very strong. Yes, and this is the. You're 34 years old. This is the first time in your life you've ever really been single, had the opportunity to date. So been allowed, just been allowed to be so right, right. So that that's a big like hurdle to overcome and dating is hard. Dating now is so hard.
Speaker 3:I could not even imagine.
Speaker 1:Dating post-divorce. Speaking from experience, it's incredibly hard to put yourself out there because it's it's. It's different than when you're dating somebody in high school or you're dating somebody in college, and they're just there and you're drinking and whatever, where it's like you're actually like dating and having actively conversation, like it's. It's just a weird and everything's on the internet and Tinder and hinge and all the things it's. It's a whole different, fucking ball game.
Speaker 2:I mean, and it was so nuanced for me to like, even to the point where I was like, okay, the last time I had to actively get a person to like me, like with the intention of dating, I was 22, right. So I'm thinner and I have, you know, better skin and my hair is longer and I'm this and I'm this and all these things, and I'm like it was easy at 22. You know, you walk into a Denny's and raise your hand and there's a line of 15 people ready to go, like Denny's is so random what the fuck.
Speaker 1:Like there's, no, there's no, there's no trying, you go out, you get numbers, you get, there's nothing you don't have to do and you just it's like oh, you go out, I go out too oh you're in college, me too. What's your major?
Speaker 3:right like there's not depth really at that age like a guy would come up to the bar and be like, oh, you're having a drink me, me too, yeah.
Speaker 1:That was it, and now?
Speaker 2:I'm like, okay, now I'm 34. What's your trauma? And?
Speaker 2:I had to like it was like I can't. I couldn't put in my head together that someone could like me as I am now. Like cause even you know my ex-husband I thought, well, he started liking me when I was 22 and it just grew and so he didn't recognize. You know what I mean. I felt this sense of like. You know, he didn't notice that I'd gained weight and he didn't notice that I looked a little different, because we had both grown for 11 years together and so I still looked very similar. But just coming out of the gate like this, I just was, I mean, convinced that I was going to walk into a bar and they're going to be like get out, you can't come in here, you monster, you gay.
Speaker 1:You ornate Loving monster.
Speaker 2:Yes, you went to Blockbuster how old are you Get out of here? I just, I mean had absolutely, I mean morphed into my brain Like there's no way someone could like 34 year old Alyssa brain, like there's no way someone could like 34 year old Alyssa. And so it was like I had was integrating all these things with getting over trauma from, you know, marriage, from divorce, and then of course there was the mother wound that I did finally, um, that actually got kind of resolved, um, and so I finally come over all these things and then like there's a whole new set of problems and I'm like, I'm tired. I worked on this, I worked on this for a long time and now I got new things and I mean, and it got to the point, you know, I even Carol Ann, my therapist, all last year, every therapy session I'm doing EMDR Every therapy session was mainly about my mother. It was either about religious trauma or my mother, and you know how all that kind of shaped my life.
Speaker 2:It was literally in December of this last year where it just dawned on me, where I was like you know what I'm not going to get from her, the relationship that I need it's, it's just not going to happen, but she's not going to get the daughter that she wants. You know she wants me to go to church and she wants me to you know, whatever get married again and all this nonsense. So neither one of us are going to be what the other one needs. So that's fine. I've accepted it and now it's kind of just. Ever since I stopped trying to perform for her, she's a little bit easier to talk to. We still I mean, we don't talk every day, we're not like best friends, but we still talk every now and again. It's easier going home and I just fully released that, like I'm not going to get the mother that I think I need.
Speaker 2:You see, and accept her for kind of where she's at, for where she's at, and I know I think I've said this before, but she did the best with what she was given and I have just realized that it's not how she thinks about me and what she wants from me is really not my business. Like I am who I am, she can want what she wants, but that's it. And so I really kind of healed I mean that was like in December on one of my last sessions in December and she ended up, her and my dad ended up coming up like a week or so after Christmas for literally one day we like just went to dinner and walked around downtown and then they left and it was like the best four hours I've had in forever. Like we had conversation and we talked and I was like, oh, all I had to do was let go. Oh, my God, god.
Speaker 3:I just had to like, let go. You're saying it like it's so fucking easy, but I get it, because it took me 12 years to get to that with my mom and just be like I just need to stop expecting her to show up for me the way that I would like her to, because she's not capable of that and I may never get that and I'm okay with it.
Speaker 2:Yes, that was that level of acceptance.
Speaker 3:It's wild, it was, and I also feel like and correct me if I'm wrong but like, energetically, without me even saying a word about it. I feel like she gets that, like she understands that there is this. Yes, like it's. It's hard to explain, but I'm like she doesn't do the things to me that she used to, she doesn't push the way that she used to, she doesn't seem as judgmental as she used to, and maybe it's all in my fucking head, but I swear to God, there's this like energetic exchange between us. Now that's reciprocated. Yes, because it's the same thing. I don't.
Speaker 3:I think she's okay with who I am and and if she's not, she's doing a really fucking good job of hiding it, because she never would have been able to hide it before yeah, it feels less like I get cause this is what how I describe it.
Speaker 2:I used to get this all the time. That's what I get all the time when I talk about things, or I just get this big sigh and I haven't gotten one of those in a while, and so I do. I agree with you.
Speaker 2:It feels like I think she's picked up on what you're putting out, yeah, what I'm laying down, that I that she's really not going to change me, that I just that this is who I am now. And then I am confident in it because even when I you know, I just went back a weekend or so ago and I get the you just look so good because this is. She says this a lot to me now and I know that she can't fix, she can't figure out what it means. But she'll say your skin is so clear, your hair is growing so long and healthy, and I'm like, I know because I'm healing on the inside. That's why like I, because I got divorced and because I'm happy doing the work.
Speaker 2:Yes, you're doing the work my body is not like you're glowing yes, it's not eating itself from the inside out. Like I move better, I feel better. My hair is not like you're glowing yes, it's not eating itself from the inside out. Like I move better, I feel better. My hair is growing, like all these things, and I don't think she can equate that, but I think she's getting there. She's at least acknowledging like you're different and I'm like yes, thank you.
Speaker 3:It reminds me of the first time you and I met after mushrooms and you were like something's different. You're different, yeah, and it's like something's different. You're different, yeah, and it's like it's. It's just an energy that you're like putting out.
Speaker 2:I mean, that was why I contacted her in the first place. You know, we hadn't talked in however long and then, all of a sudden, I kept seeing her on Instagram and I was like you're different. What is that bitch doing? Cause there's something. You, glowy bitch, got something and I want it.
Speaker 3:What are you? What are you?
Speaker 2:doing yes and I just it. It just that was in december and it was like, oh, it's just such a big breath of fresh, fresh air that I could just kind of put that on the back burner and not have to put all my energy into it. So then I go back to therapy in january and is like, okay, so time to uh start talking about sex and intimacy. I was like man, fuck you.
Speaker 3:I just let me sit in this wind.
Speaker 2:And it was like I just spent a year, a year battling this and then all I could think about was what if this doesn't take me a year to overcome? What if this takes me longer? What if I am sitting here in two years of therapy and EMDR and I'm still talking about? I mean, I had a full fledged panic attack in the office, just talking about sex. Just talking about it. She brought it up and I was. She was like I think that's, we're going to stop right there. Oh yeah, you did tell me that. I mean it wasn't just like a I don't really know if I can I mean it was a fear, like an actual fear of the thought of someone touching me or seeing me. I mean, I was frozen. I am in shock, right now.
Speaker 3:After the conversation After the conversation we had earlier. I know, I know, I am in shock, I know.
Speaker 1:I also want to apologize For what. I know. I am in shock, I know. I also want to apologize because I feel like there have been times where I unknowingly put pressure on you because I think you and I have just such this great banter back and forth. I love it.
Speaker 1:I love it too, but when it comes to like dating, I've been like go out, just put yourself out there just put yourself out there, go on a date, like you know, hook up with somebody if you want to, if that's what feels right for you. Where you really weren't ready and it took time and I didn't necessarily realize that so, but I didn't use my words so yes, but I apologize. You don't have to apologize I love you.
Speaker 2:You're forgiven anyway oh my god, I love what just happened. It was so. I just had this conversation last night. This is the weird thing is that I don't like being told what to do. That's my biggest thing. Don't tell me what to do, so. But then there's it's morphed with this if I don't get somebody to push me sometimes, I'll never do anything, right, right. And so there's such this fine line of like I need people to push me, but don't tell me what to do. How fucking confusing is that.
Speaker 1:No, I 100 you guys are very alike in the sense because when you guys get into dark places, you guys isolate. Oh, like yeah bad and for like a long time. Yes, yeah, yeah well.
Speaker 2:So that's where I was kind of riding this line of like and I knew and this isn't, you know, to say anything against you. I knew people had good intentions with it, but I was getting it from work too oh, I'm sure.
Speaker 3:So yeah, your sister, and so you date my mom.
Speaker 2:You think you'll ever get married again. So are you dating? Is there anybody out there? Pressure, yeah, and it was like not that people were like, hey, I have a blind date for you or hey, you need to, whatever, but it just, it was very casual, but I was. So something inside of me was like quit fucking asking me, like I'm just, I couldn't and I couldn't put my finger on. This is the other problem that I have is, a lot of times I can't like people, like how are you feeling? Like I don't like. People are like how are you feeling? Like I don't know, and they're like no, how do you? I'm like, no, I really I don't know, like I can't. I have a hard time like locking down what my feelings are and I couldn't, I couldn't pinpoint what it was that had me so scared, whether it was just physical intimacy, whether it was vulnerability, whether it was like just being perceived, whether there was a sense of guilt, probably it was all of it it was.
Speaker 2:It was this whole mixture of like I felt even though you know we're getting divorced, we hadn't signed the papers yet but like we're getting divorced and it was like a couple months ago and I thought I can't go on a date until the papers are signed Like there was some sense of betrayal with Mac's husband, even though he's like man, get out there, I mean, he's you know cause he's giving you permission to yeah.
Speaker 2:Cause I give him permission. I was like, yeah, go do whatever you want to do, get after it, boy. And he's like, yeah, you do the same. And I'm like, no, no, that only stands for you, that's not for me, like there's a sense of I can't betray him I. And it was just this whole mixture and then, like I said, it just sometimes it just has to break, it just has to come from me.
Speaker 1:Well, and you texted me and you said something about like OK, stephen, is like legit dating, so like I, your ex, yes, yeah, yeah, her ex-husband.
Speaker 2:So she's like I, ok, I think I'm like ready to to do something about this. Yeah, yeah, her ex husband. So she's like I, okay, I think I'm like ready to to do something about this. Yeah, because when he told me that and you know, he told me with full intention of being respectful, absolutely yeah, cause we, you know, and he had promised me that for it, like he said, I'll tell you out of respect, cause I don't want you to get blindsided by something.
Speaker 2:I would never want you to like somebody be like hey, did you see him blindsided by something? I would never want you to like somebody be like hey, did you see him he's with? And I, he was like I will tell you out of respect for you, which I fully appreciate. So he calls me and he tells me one night and I thought because I knew that it was going to happen one day, yeah, and I was expecting this like to hang up the phone and just have this, you know, go into my hole for the next three days, isolate, be so upset, and it was like the overwhelming joy that I felt for him, like, oh, my god, I was so happy, I was so happy for him because he, for the longest time would say I'll never be with anybody else. I'll never be with anybody else and I was like I hate that.
Speaker 2:Like he's such a good guy and he wants to be a dad and that wasn't something I could give him. And I was like, go out there and find some hot mom with some kids, oh my God, like you'd be such a good father. And so for him to say I'm going on a date, I, oh my God, I'm so happy. And it was like I'm so happy I can have that too. Like I cause. Then all of a sudden it hit me, he's not going to be mad at me. Like if I were to turn around and call him and say, hey, I have a date. He's not going to be. Like, are you serious? He's going to feel the same.
Speaker 1:Be happy for you Be happy for me, and it was. I really loved the love that you guys still have for each other I was just gonna say that like they met at such a young age and like they both have. You guys are like divorce goals. You kind of are, you guys should have kind of had a kid. You guys probably would have been great co-parents. I'm just kidding.
Speaker 2:They're shit out of that. Kid like this is literally like look how much love you're getting.
Speaker 3:This is such a good example of like a divorce and still remaining friends and respectful of each other. And I don't even know the guy, but I'm like he sounds like such a good guy and it's even. It's OK that you guys weren't right for each other Once upon a time. Maybe you were, yeah, and I know that like it's different, but like I don't know, there was probably some lessons in that that.
Speaker 1:Yeah and like, but I didn't see it at the time. Lessons too Like I think he saw the lessons when you guys separated the things that he needed to work on and this is their thing.
Speaker 2:That you know it's a lot of like, well, you know, cause some people that know me and don't know him are like you know, well, you deserve this and you deserve someone who does this. And you blah, blah and I can't. I think it was maybe my sister, I can't remember and I said he deserves that too, because, let's be real, I wasn't some like shining Stepford wife for him. Yeah, he deserves what's better for him too.
Speaker 2:He deserves someone who's going to give him the things that I couldn't or didn't and that's he. He needs that.
Speaker 2:I don't want him to be, you know, withheld from the love that is right for him. Well, I'm sitting over here going oh, it was a piece of shit on my end, but I need to get back Like he needs it too. And I think he's seen that like in such a like because we've said before, you know he, at the very beginning is he'd said something like well, I'm sorry that it failed, and I was like 11 years of marriage is not failure to me, wow, like this is. I don't see it as a failure. I see it as 11 years that we got to spend together, learning about each other, learning what we like and what we don't like, and it just sometimes things just go separate ways. You just they just do and like, especially growing up in the religious, you know community right like divorce is bad.
Speaker 2:Divorce is bad, no matter what, no matter what happens right, you stay yes, it was, and I think I might have talked about this in the last podcast too. Is that for a long time I thought to myself I'm going to say this and you're probably going to cry, and I've told my therapist this too. Try not to. I wish he would have, for when people would say you know, I'd say I'm getting a divorce and they would say what happened? What happened? What happened? I almost wish he would have just abused me so I could have had an excuse, because I couldn't fathom, like I couldn't admit, that we're getting divorced and he's a great guy.
Speaker 2:What's best for me? Holy fuck. Like no, I understand exactly what you're saying. I needed there to be something.
Speaker 1:We were just talking about this not in a relationship standpoint about how Leah and I both struggle with people pleasing and we struggle with letting people down, and we feel like we need to. I literally just did it. I feel like I need to have an excuse to say no to that person. Yes, I feel like this is more common an excuse to say no to that person.
Speaker 3:Yes, I feel like this is more common than it isn't. Yes, it's even with my hairdresser like she wants to cut her hours but won't be, and she is like banking on her husband to get another job, to work a different set of hours, because then she's like, because then I can tell my clients I can't work these hours anymore.
Speaker 3:Instead of instead of just telling them you're not working those hours anymore. And I get that. Like I was the same way, like I wanted to cut back on my hours and I didn't, until my husband went back to school and it was like, well, he's going back to school. So it's like I have this excuse yes, not because I wanted to, because, but I did.
Speaker 2:I wanted to for years and it I mean even at work. Hey, can you stay extra? Well, I can't, because I this or this, when all I have to do is go no, no, I can't yeah, no, and like I needed, I needed some. Not that I wanted to make him out to be a bad guy, no, but I couldn't admit that I'm doing it because I want to and because it's what's best for me, that's a really big.
Speaker 3:Thing to admit to yeah.
Speaker 2:Well, and now I am fully like that's another thing that ever came. Now, when people say, oh, you got divorced, I'm so sorry, and I go no, don't be, it's good for both of us. We're amicable, we're friends. Yeah, it's good. We for both of us, we're amicable, we're friends. Yeah, it's good, we're good. And some people will still did something. No, nothing happened.
Speaker 3:it's just what was best for the both of us I feel like failure is such a fucking scam it is. It is such a scam like you try something and it fails. It wasn't a failure because then you tried the thing that worked. Yeah, like so it was just a step. You're so right, like that should be one of those things. It's so it was just a step. You're so right, like that should be one of those things. It's like it's not a flex, but like failure is a fucking scam.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I just I've morphed into this kind of like. I think people come into your life when you need the most and I think they leave when they I don't want to say serve their purpose. I believe that.
Speaker 3:But they've fulfilled their soul contract in your life, your karmic lessons and I know that's a little woo woo and out there. But like I fully believe that, like we are all here to serve a purpose and sometimes that purpose is in someone's life for a short period of time, yes, and it doesn't mean you have to stay.
Speaker 2:And like bittersweet to me is such like that feeling of that bittersweetness, like my best friend from high school, I mean we inseparable, right. I mean we couldn't. We finished each other's sentences, people could hardly tell us apart. I mean it was just, and that was one of those things when you're in high school, you think it's going to last for forever. High school, you think it's going to last for forever. Well, now, you know, I went home this last weekend and I see her and I think we said hello, how are you doing? And she's got two beautiful children, and we talked for maybe five minutes. We didn't speak again, hugged each other, goodbye, and that was that and that was. You know, my mom was a little bit like well, you know, you know you guys didn't really talk and I was like, because that's not who we are anymore. We had this great friendship. Now it's over, and I don't mean over, I mean it's one of those.
Speaker 1:I wish the best right there wasn't a falling out, there wasn't anything crazy yeah.
Speaker 2:I mean, I don't if every single person that we meet, that we become friends with, is supposed to be in our lives forever, like I would not be able to keep up and it just it for that and it just it's.
Speaker 2:There's so many of these small, little nuanced things that have been coming out in the last like month or so of just, you know, enjoying the people that I'm around now instead of being so stuck in this nostalgia or this oh, I used to do this and who I used to be. And then, like I said earlier, that's who I was when I was 22 and people won't like me when I'm 34. It's who I was when I was 22 and who I was when I was 25. And, um, there was something. There's a, there's a girl on Instagram I cannot remember her name, but she does spoken word poetry. She was talking about how every phase of you is a good phase, and one of them was, um, she said something along I hope I I get this right Something about when you look at old pictures and you wish you looked like that physically, but you don't want to be there mentally and I thought, cause, I used to do that scroll through my pictures and go just three years ago I was 30 pounds lighter.
Speaker 2:Just two years ago I fit in those jeans and I don't wear them anymore. And then I sit there and I look at that picture and I go. You were a miserable bitch.
Speaker 3:You were wearing a smaller size jeans and you were miserable. Yeah, and like it doesn't equate to happiness, no, and I'm just so.
Speaker 2:This, this I know I said to you earlier, but, like, your second life begins when you stop giving a fuck about everything.
Speaker 3:do you want to know? I feel like we've probably heard older people saying that for years. I swear to God, they've been saying it for years. Your second life begins when you stop giving a fuck. Yes, we didn't get it, because we still gave a fuck.
Speaker 1:But I think you have to go through it and you have to have the experiences and you have to like, you have to live it, to embody it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and you have to have those lessons. Um, I think it was you that I sent something to the other day where it was like, if I look back on pictures of me 10 years ago, I mean, like God, I still wish I looked like that. Like, wasn't it you that I sent that? Something like that too? And it was like and then the photos of me now, in 10 years, I'm going to look back at and be like God, I still wish I looked like that. So that's not it. That's not. It doesn't end if you're, if that's what you're looking at, but like if you're looking at like how you felt and how authentic you were and your life and your purpose, and your like the people around you, like I wouldn't go back to that versus now for anything in the world, no.
Speaker 2:I was sitting there, thinking, laying in bed last night, thinking as one does, as I always do, and I thought to myself you know, in the last just five years, I mean I was an actual zombie, like I was, so numb I was, was, so I mean I couldn't think straight, I couldn't, even last night. So I went out with my friend last night and we were having a good time and I told you I was um texting someone and uh, he had texted me and said something. And I came back with the quick wit and of course you know, as girls do, she's reading over my shoulder every time and she said you're really quick with it.
Speaker 2:And I said, yeah, I'm going to be honest. It's coming back to me because for a while there, when I was in full zombie mode, I couldn't hardly string sentences together. I mean, I couldn't, it's coming back. It's coming back because I was real sharp in high school.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you got that, possessed I got a groove. Yeah, you got that, possessed I got a little sparkle, well, and here's the thing. So how long have we known each other? Ten years.
Speaker 2:I started. Nine years I started going to the gym in 2016. Okay, I can't do math bitch.
Speaker 1:Eight years, okay, so we've known each other for eight years and I've always thought that you are funny, but there is now much more, and maybe it's because it's in me too. There's much more of like a lightness to you. There was like a hesitancy.
Speaker 2:I was so hesitant about everything, everything.
Speaker 1:Everything. You were much more rigid. You were still funny, still witty, but there was there was like a little bit of a dark cloud, like a barrier.
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah, and even when I would let it out sometimes you know what I'd immediately do when I'd say something kind of weird or something out there, did you retract it. Sorry, sorry, that was weird. Sorry, I mean like immediately, yeah, and so it was like, cause it just again so concerned of what? If I say something totally goofy and they don't laugh at my joke, like people have to think I'm funny, not me. If I'm not funny, I'll funny.
Speaker 3:So, okay, I want to backtrack a little bit because I know that you have done another journey since then. But I want to talk about how you knew it was time for another journey. Because here's the thing you've you the way that you explained like you were riding that high and then you realize like, oh shit, now I have to do the work. Um, a lot of people don't get to that part of like now I have to do the work, like they're just like life is good, and then they like fall back into a depression and they're like, oh well, it didn't work. I guess it didn't work. But it's like no, no, no, no, it did, you just didn't do anything with it. And now you're right back where you started. So you're going to have to put in double the effort.
Speaker 3:But, I think, a lot of sorry. Sorry, I guess what I was trying to say is like, for me it was a long time before I did another journey, because I just kept saying, but like, why didn't that last one work? Like I shouldn't have to be reaching to do another journey, to to like live life or to get through this next chapter. But I think it's important to be honest with yourself and say like no, now it's onto the next thing. Honest with yourself and say like no, now it's onto the next thing. And now I've worked on ABC from my last journey. But that doesn't mean I'm fucking fixed, that's never going to happen. But I need a little push, like we were talking about earlier. You sometimes you need that push, but you don't want to be told what to do. No, you need that push to get over or to get clarity on the next step, like all right, what am I ready for now?
Speaker 2:Well, that's exactly what happened. Okay, I just kept sitting there and I kept thinking I, like you, were stuck, I'm stuck. I think I might have used that word with you. Well, I'm stuck.
Speaker 1:That's what it feels like is stuck. It was that text. It was like okay, my ex is out dating and doing all right.
Speaker 3:I'm ready.
Speaker 1:I'm ready to do something about this now.
Speaker 3:Yes, but there's this block there.
Speaker 2:Yes, and it was again. It came back to I can't figure out why. And so, and I needed something to open.
Speaker 3:Can I say something that that, oh God Indora said OK. That, um, oh God, indora said okay, how to know when you're ready for another journey. Figure out your question and what you need and then let the mushrooms assist you in your why. Yeah, do you remember that? That's how you know if you can't do it on your own. And there's no, that's not even saying like you didn't try. You were fucking trying. You were trying with every tool you had to get there. You're like I know what it is, I know what I need to do, I just can't get there. I need to figure out why I can't get there.
Speaker 2:And I had you know I had started um, I had increased like uh, exercising right, like so me and my friend walk every Wednesday. We call it walkie talkie Wednesday, love that. Go walk at Beckley Creek and pretty much just talk shit about our coworkers and like everything else. You know what I mean. We like mental health walkie talkie Wednesday and we just you just yabber for like three hours.
Speaker 1:Oh, you are a yibber yabber. Yes, I am. You are a yibber yabber, yes.
Speaker 2:I am. You are so yappy, I love that, I love that, I love to talk. And so we deal on Wednesday and we, both her and I, were very intentional about eating better and eating breakfast and lunch. So I'm eating so much better. You know my sister is, she's so hippy dippy and I love it. You know she's over here, I love it. Yes, and it. You know she's over here, I love it. Yes, and you know she's over here with um, her herbs and her tea and I'm taking some chinese you know chinese herbal medicine, and again, it's these things.
Speaker 2:And I had good intentions and I was doing some yoga and I was meditating and then at the end of it, I just go the fuck, none of it's working, like it's still. I felt so blocked and I couldn't figure out where, where I was blocked, whether it was my, couldn't figure out where, where it was blocked, whether it was my head, whether it was my heart, whether it was. And so that's why I thought, man, I just need something to just blow my mind open and say this this, this is what it is, this is what we need. And I thought, god, what better way than drugs, man.
Speaker 3:Work for me last time it worked. Last time medicine, and that's the thing you weren't like well, clearly it didn't work. Yeah, like you were like no, it did work it did.
Speaker 2:It did what it needed to do, and that's where I thought this is. It was. To me it wasn't. Oh, I gotta go back and fix this problem. It was. This is a new was. This is a new problem. So this is a new journey for a separate journey, for a separate problem, and I thought it's almost like it's not a line to me.
Speaker 3:It's just not linear.
Speaker 2:It's the second, like here's my first journey and I'm working on the things and it's still ongoing, but I didn't tack on my journey. I hit enter and I started a second journey, and now I have two journeys that are going on and maybe one day I'll have to come down and I'll have to do a third journey.
Speaker 3:I forgot that. You're like a very visual person.
Speaker 2:Yeah then I talk with my hands.
Speaker 3:No, but like I remember you saying, like in the last episode, that you did, like you talk about, like, seeing things. Yes, and I, I freaking love yeah, because I see it as like maybe I like that better because you're not going up, because you're never, ever, ever, ever, ever going to reach the top. But the way that I used to visualize it is like, well, this is just the first step, and in order to get to the second step, I had to learn this one. And then, when I'm up here, I couldn't have made it here without these lessons before. Like it's like every lesson is something that you're going to take with you.
Speaker 2:You're building on on the next journey yeah, yeah, that's the way I visualize it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but I like yours, how it's like, not like up it's, it's like it's just this and every time you do one, you're taking the tools that you learned the time before into the next one, and they're still ongoing.
Speaker 2:I don't put a period at the end of them, like there's no period at the end of this, they're all ongoing, yeah, and I'm just feel like I'm kind of expanding and so cause, you know, it was like, well, you know, I did this whole journey and I'm learning. You know how am I going to learn more things? Well, I'm going to expand like my mind and the way I learn all these things, it's going to I'm just going to take in more and it's kind of, you know, you start something, you start playing the piano and it's really difficult. Well then, eventually, you know, you learn to play the piano and then you learn to play the guitar and then you learn to play the trumpet. I mean, how do people speak six, seven, eight languages? Expand languages, you expand, you just expand and you just keep shoving a little bit more in there.
Speaker 2:And that's kind of what this journey was. I thought this is a new issue, I need a new journey, I need new tools and I'm going to take what I've learned, but I'm going to just expand on it and I'm going to confront this specific issue that I'm having and then we're going to go from there. And so my first journey, um, I think my word was clarity, right. I kept saying I needed clarity on decisions that I needed to make and really I just needed. The thing is, when I think about it now, I knew what I wanted to do.
Speaker 3:Right, we said that I swear to God in our last episode.
Speaker 2:I knew exactly what I wanted to do.
Speaker 3:People were like I don't want to. What if I do this and I feel like and I divorce my husband and we're like you already wanted to. You want to you don't need mushrooms to tell you you want to.
Speaker 2:I needed something and or someone or whatever, to just say you know what? You want and you can do it, cause I. For a long time, I was like I can't, I can't live on my own, I can't pay my own bills, I can't do all this. And then, literally, I did that journey. It was like, yes, you can. It was like, yes, you can. And I was like, oh, like I'm not the first woman who's ever been single and like paying my own mortgage.
Speaker 3:Okay, do you ever feel like to? You said like you woke up the next morning and your husband came in and said like I think we should get a divorce or something like that, or you guys were already separated. Yeah, sometimes, though, I do feel like, even though you learned that in your journey and you got the clarity you needed, sometimes I feel like the universe throws you a bone and is like she gets it. Now We'll make it a little bit easier on her We'll take pity on her.
Speaker 3:Yeah, like, right, right Like this time we're going to like let him come in and say he wants the divorce, so she can like rest in this for a little bit. She did a really good job yesterday.
Speaker 2:I honestly think, because sometimes I sit back and I think if he had never come in and said that to me, would I have gone to him the next day? And I'm like I don't know, Maybe not the next day.
Speaker 1:We tell people to not make any drastic decisions for like the first month. Yeah, let we tell people to not make any drastic decisions for like the first month yeah, let the medicine sit yes, but it was you know I needed that to me was the universe throwing you a bone.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I needed clarity. I need clarity. So when we came um for my next journey, and Christine sat with me. Um connection was the word that I had and I needed because I I think I had told her to in text messages. I feel so disconnected from my body to the point where I'd look in the mirror and I was like not that I hated it, but it just was like it didn't feel like what you felt I didn't feel like what I felt like, and it just felt it's almost like my body was like can you love me?
Speaker 2:And I was like, can you not? No, and I just felt disconnected and I mean I was to the point. Your body's like please you're like?
Speaker 3:no, not like that, I have other things to do right now.
Speaker 1:Yeah, why are you so obsessed with me?
Speaker 2:Like I was taking showers in the dark. Stop, yes, because it just was like I didn't say it all the time, like I just don't. Sometimes I don't want to be perceived Like just don't perceive me.
Speaker 3:You didn't even want to perceive yourself.
Speaker 2:No, I don't perceive myself Like I wouldn't go out and I'm like nobody. I don't need anybody to know that I'm a human, like don't look at me.
Speaker 3:I'm shocked. You have mirrors in your house.
Speaker 2:Honestly, I have a lot, but what I will say is they come in use at post journey Right she turned into like the fucking baddest bitch.
Speaker 1:Who, like I mean?
Speaker 3:I feel like she, if what, maybe that's what I need. That's what I need To journey with me. No, we can journey together. I'm just like to like we were saying like I am not that sexy sexual deviant person and we were saying like there's a block with me and I don't know what it is, but that's just and I'm you know, I don't know. I'm just saying maybe that could be an intention one day.
Speaker 1:I think I need to, I think I need to guide you. Oh, you got the magic touch.
Speaker 3:Hey, we'll get into that. Don't even start.
Speaker 1:Oh.
Speaker 3:God. I don't even know where this is going. Well, I knew that this?
Speaker 2:here's the other thing. I was excited for my first journey, right, I mean, she walked in. She's like you nervous. I was like, no man, let's go, let's get this done, this one. She came in and I was like, like I mean, the night before I was having some wicked anxiety because I knew this is going to. I'm gonna have to face my shit, and this is something I don't want to. I don't want to look at it because I knew it was going to hurt. And then there was also this mixture of I know what to expect, but it's not going to be what I expect.
Speaker 2:You know, I knew that I was going to the things I was going to see and some things I was going to feel, but then at the same time, like it's going, to be different, Because you're like I've already done this.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I've already done this, but at the same time I know it's going to be different. So then now I'm like I know how it could be, but it's not going to be. Oh, and I was so twisted up about it. I mean she came over in. I wake up at 1015. We'll go back. Hey, it was my bathroom, wiping down the baseboards in my bathroom, cause I was like what if Christine comes in here and says ew, look at this, I'm like mopping and vacuuming and like it was, cause I was so twisted up.
Speaker 3:I was so anxious. I'm really glad we sucked up all those spiders in the corner before she got here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I totally would't know. I know you would have totally judged me and I just was. I mean, I was so.
Speaker 3:But think about that, though, like you would never judge someone else and you were like so worried about being hardcore judged.
Speaker 2:Yes, and I just I was trying to get my mind off of it and at one point I was like I think I might just call and cancel, Like I was really, really anxious. So then, of course, you know, the little tiny voice in the back of my head goes so obviously you need it, Obviously you need it. Like this, you're avoiding. Like ball up and do it. Okay, this is what.
Speaker 3:I wanted to talk about anxiety with you about earlier. Keep going, sorry. Well, so we get into it about earlier Keep going, sorry, well, so we get in.
Speaker 2:put a pin in that, put a pin in that we get into it and um, kind of the same thing as last time, you know, started feeling things, whatever, laying down, um, put my eye mask on turnover and all I remember, cause I kept saying connect. I just want to connect to my body, I want to feel the things that I feel. I want some sort of you know, I know it takes sometimes forever, sometimes never, to actually love your body and that's ongoing. But I just thought I just don't. I just want to feel connected. You know what I mean. I just want to feel her. And we get.
Speaker 2:I get deep into the journey and all of a sudden I just kept thinking I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this. And now, when I think about it, I like at the time I thought I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this. And now, when I think about it, like at the time, I thought I don't want to do this and I don't want to do this journey, like my mind was going. I want to get out of this. I want to get, because I was real deep and I'm seeing weird things and that stupid playlist oh my God, yes, it sounds something in my brain. The playlist that plays it makes it repeat. Even though I know it's playing different music the entire time, it's repeating over and over and over again, it was the Johns Hopkins playlist.
Speaker 3:The one with no lyrics, or the classical music, one Classical.
Speaker 2:Okay, but the yes, but there's something about it. I don't know why my brain gets hooked. It literally just loops, loops and loops and loops.
Speaker 3:Some of those songs, though, are 15 minutes long yeah. I know, so you might not be wrong about that repetitive Some of those songs when you hear them, you're like oh God, fucking change it Like. It sounds dark and ominous.
Speaker 1:I don't listen to that one I know, and that's after that I texted you. I was like, can you send me some new?
Speaker 3:playlists yeah, that was, that was hard Cause it's got like that March music.
Speaker 1:I'm always scared to work. Well, I'm always scared to experiment with something different because it's music matters so much.
Speaker 3:It does so like the one. I say, though it's not, it's not lyrics either, and I think it like works really well. It's a little bit softer.
Speaker 2:I got in this loop and it was like I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this, and I kept thinking I just want to wake up. All I want to do is wake up. I want the trip to be over, I want out of this, I want out of this, and then it would go through. I could feel myself going back into it again. And I think I cycled four or five times doing that.
Speaker 2:At one point I kept thinking I'm so warm and safe. I'm so warm and safe the way that I am Cause, of course, the way that curled all the way up, you know, got my hands underneath my chin, got my feet pulled all the way up in the fetal position, and I just kept thinking I am so warm and safe. And then, when the dark, ominous part came around for that cycle, the only thing I kept hearing was somebody else is going to take that away. I just kept thinking somebody's going to take it away, like if I, if I were to date, you're not going to be warm and safe anymore, they're going to take it from you.
Speaker 2:And I got really freaked out because I just was like no no, I want to stay, I want to like, I just want to stay right here, I don't want to get out of my bubble. And I freaked out a little bit and cycled through that for a while and then, um, all I remember is that because I think we talked about this too there wasn't as much specific stuff in this one. It was a little more kind of vague feeling as opposed to very obvious things. But one of the very obvious things that came out of it is, after I went through this you're warm and safe and someone's going to take it from you. It's was something about, um, not, it was specifically not everybody's going to hurt you, and we talked about this a lot after.
Speaker 2:Um I came out of it was that I tend to put the things that had that my ex-husband did to me or that my mother did to me. I put those things on other people and I mean like strangers, like absolutes, like I take one, look at him and I'm like, oh, he would think that like this, like I see, like a really hot guy, and someone be like, oh, go talk to him, like, no, he probably thinks I'm too fat. Where did that come from? I'm judging this guy from across the room. He could be the nicest, sweetest guy in the whole wide world. He could just be fucking gay, who knows. And I'm sitting here going, no, he's going to think I'm too fat. But it's like I put all of my insecurities and the trauma that other people and the things that people have said to me. I've stored them all up in my life and I put them on other people. Yeah, and it's, you know, it's not fair to them.
Speaker 3:Like, that's not cool.
Speaker 2:And so you know, I'm cycling through this and all I kept getting was not everybody's going to hurt you, not everybody's going to hurt you. And then I sat there and I'm thinking and I'm like, obviously I mean, look at you guys, look at my friends that I have, look at you guys, look at my friends that I have, look at my sister, not, not everybody's going to hurt me.
Speaker 2:And you know, I've always been a very pessimistic, sort of nihilistic, but covering it with humor kind of a person and I you know how sometimes you're like that person's so peppy, it's so annoying.
Speaker 2:There's a part of me that thought I don't want to be peppy all the time, I don't want to always be like life's great, and I thought I don't know if it was like the cool girl in me that thought like I need to be realistic, I need to be, like you know, level-headed and a little pessimistic.
Speaker 2:Well then, after that journey I mean this is I might be going off script a little bit, but in the last like couple weeks I have just made it a point to see the good in everyone and everything. Holy shit when I tell you it has I mean in literally just the last two weeks Transformed your life In the last two weeks. The way it has transformed that. I just look at people as if they are not out to get me, that they're not out, like if I talk to a guy or I talk to a girl they're not sitting there the whole time thinking about all my flaws, because if they were, they wouldn't be sitting there talking to me you've had to switch to like what's the worst that could happen to what's the best that could happen that could happen, or like not even what's the worst that could happen, but almost like the worst is probably going to happen.
Speaker 2:And I even say to my friends all the time what if it doesn't? Sometimes I'll say to my friend all the time what's the worst? The worst I could say is no. The worst I could say is no. I applied for a new job. The worst I could say is no. You know, like I got really, you know, worked up about going and applying for a new job and go on an interview and I was like I need to wear a power suit and I need to go get dress pants and everyone's like just wear scrubs. And I was like what if I don't get the job Cause I'm wearing scrubs? And they were like okay, that's on them.
Speaker 3:Like it wasn't for you.
Speaker 2:And I've just said, in the last two weeks I just morphed around to this. Like I mean, if I don't think those things about other people, when I look at someone I'm not sitting there going oh God, their ears are crooked or oh my God they're heavy, they could use a little extra dry shampoo. I've never thought those things about the people that I love or even strangers that I talked to, and it was like why can I not a lot those feelings that other people couldn't feel the same way about me? Like I was just making, I was making everybody out to be cruel in my head, like I'm walking around because you were, because you were cruel to yourself.
Speaker 2:Yes, as if I'm this, like super, I'm the nicest person and I wouldn't think about that. But everybody else is mean I was like okay, like I don't know what, whether that's narcissistic or whatever but you weren't nice to yourself.
Speaker 2:It wasn't nice to myself no, and so you know this journey. I only tripped for like an hour, I think. Like I said, I only cycled for four or five times and once I hit that where it was like not everybody is going to be mean to you, I remember going. I was going into another cycle and I went God, I don't want to do this. And I heard my stupid voice in the back of my head say well, you better get it right this time, and maybe you won't have to. I went, okay, and that was the last cycle that I did.
Speaker 3:So I want to say, the first time I've only been stuck in a loop once and it was my very first journey, and it is absolutely terrifying when you're in it because you feel like it's never going to stop. And then I'm just now realizing it was very similar to that, in that I was repeating this cycle and I was just like, oh my God, okay, I get it, okay, I get it. I didn't get it, I didn't get it, and it was the moment that I let go, was the moment that I was like, oh, oh, no, I get it.
Speaker 3:This is what letting go feels like. And then the cycle stopped, the loop stopped and I was like oh my God, that's what it feels like, this is what letting go feels like. So for you, it was like this is what it feels like to let go of these ideas that other people are talking, these having these thoughts about me, that I'm having what if they weren't? But you don't like.
Speaker 2:You know that realistically, but feeling it, yes completely different and that's where I go with the disconnection I could say my feelings versus reality. I knew I can look in there and say reality, but my feelings are different and I had that's where I felt this disconnect and I needed to connect them. To take what people say to you as at face value is what they say If someone says you look really pretty really pretty today.
Speaker 2:I think I told you about this. I had oh, cause this happened before before this journey at the bar, my friend and I she wanted we were gonna go out and with no intentions of, like you know, one night stands, it was just me and her going out. Because of the way that I was raised and you know, being married, I never did the bar hopping thing. I never bounced around a bunch of bars, never went out drinking with my girlfriends literally never done that. She was like we're going to bardstown road, put a sexy dress on, we're just gonna go have fun. So I did like, did my hair, did my makeup, we both put our little mini skirt, sexy outfits, sexy outfits on and we go walking to new o'shea's. Never been to o'shea's before in my life, right? So we go waltzing in there, walk in the door, we walk right up to the bar and the bartender walks up to me. His name's Kev. Hey, kev, if you're listening. He walks everybody knows Kevin from.
Speaker 2:O'Shea's. He walks up to the bar, he looks at me, he goes hey, oh, you look really pretty tonight, shut the fuck up. And I was like, oh, thank you. And he was like you look really good. I was like, oh, thanks. And of course I'm like, oh, you've never been here. He's like who kept you trapped? And I was like I just kind of hold up for a little, you know. So we, whatever, we chit chat, and he's like I'm Kev, I'm Alyssa, and then we walk away and that's it, you know. And then we wander out. We have such a good night. We wander around, nothing happens. Me and her have so much fun, we have a blast. She came home, we pillow talk till 4 am. Like god, I love that girl. And so I'm telling christine about this story, you know, because of course everybody's really excited. This is the first time alissa has literally left her house, like people at work knew someone out.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, they literally it was just like big event. They're like will you text me when? What happens? And I was like, okay, alyssa's going to a bar, yes, and so Christine goes over and I'm like you know, I think I told her I'd go in the bar, and so I tell her this story and I'm like, yeah, and you know, the bartender says you look really pretty tonight.
Speaker 1:And what's, but they get paid to say that. So it didn't mean anything. Mm-mm, Mm-mm. And I'm like will you shut the fuck up?
Speaker 3:They don't get paid to tell you that you look hot.
Speaker 2:I was a bartender and I was not that, but that in my head there was no way. I couldn't fathom that Kev thought I was pretty, that he needed to say that, and I put that on him.
Speaker 3:I put all of my insecurities on poor kev at o'shea's. Sorry kev, and he's like I was just being nice he did. He was just like. I just said what I thought he just said you look really pretty he didn't have to say that, no, you were gonna tip him.
Speaker 2:Anyway, I was, and that was everything. I had said the same thing to my sister because I was like oh yeah, I got hit by the bartender, but they're paid to do that. She said, bitch, no, they aren't.
Speaker 3:And I was like okay, but like I would never like I would say that to somebody if I really genuinely thought that, but like I was just nice to everybody else.
Speaker 2:You're just kind, I was just nice, yeah, I was a nice bartender and that, but that was the thing. That's what I was doing. Is I just? I'm not taking people at face value for someone Because, like I said, I would never sit here and say, like you know, like when I told Christine I love you, like my?
Speaker 3:line.
Speaker 2:No, I mean it, but I love you Like I would never lie about things like that and I'm. I think people are a lot more honest than we give them credit for and we just don't want to believe. And so that was a big thing. You know, I come out of this journey and it was like I need to just take people, take what they're giving me pretty much, because you know, on the flip side, you know, then we have people that are very blatantly obviously like disrespecting you or red flags right sitting here morphing our brains and trying to come up.
Speaker 2:Well, they didn't mean it that way and they didn't mean that, right, yeah. So why do we make excuses for the bad behavior but then the good behavior we can't just take it? You know what I mean? Yeah, just take it at face value, yeah. And so all I remember is it was like an hour I was under and I wake up. I finally come out of that cycle and she's sitting over by my window and I go christine, christine, and she goes yeah, do you need to go pee? I said turn that off. And I pointed to the little speaker that was right there my bedside. I said turn that off. She said do you not like that music? I said no, turn it off. So she turns it off. She was like are you done? I said yep, I'm done. It was an hour, I think my first one.
Speaker 1:I think I tripped for like four or five oh, I would four, I would say two, three, maybe like underneath, and yeah, well then I came out and sat there like this one was just now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You sat and literally looked like a drooling zombie for a solid hour and then you turned into like you were trying to have sex with me. Yes, so there's that so okay this one.
Speaker 2:You have to listen to part one to fully understand that context so finally I'm just like I gotta go pee, so I go pee, and I just was out of it and then I went back into my and when you say out of it, I feel like we need to clarify.
Speaker 3:Like you're still high on mushrooms, but you're just not in the peak of it, the peak of the experience, like once that is out of the way. After that you're just kind of like in and out of feeling. I feel like.
Speaker 1:The best comparison is like you're awake, you're talking, you feel a little drunk.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:It's the only thing to compare it to. Yeah, yeah. Cause I always say, when I I would say I was, I was in deep, yeah, you were you were in it as in like, and we say that where we, when we were in it and then when we came out of it, doesn't mean like we're automatically like able to fully drive a fucking car like absolutely not. You're still fucking tripping balls. Oh, I was absolutely.
Speaker 2:You're just not in your subconscious anymore, yeah it was still pretty heavy because even I've still sat there and I'm like because her and I talked for hours after that later on talked. I can't remember half of it. I have no idea what we're talking about. I know I turned back into a little.
Speaker 1:You turn into like so the first journey, you like take your sweatpants off, you're in your you know spandex shorts. This time the same thing. And she does this like little jiggle when, like she like walks around the room and she like checks herself out in the mirror and she like I could hit, I could have handed her a fucking g string and that bitch would have been like doing the splits handstands in the air.
Speaker 2:If she would open my front door, my neighbors would have gotten a show like I don't know what it is. I just yeah, she's so free on her.
Speaker 1:Yes she is. She like dances around. She'll, like you know, slam her hands on like her bed sheets and, like like, claw her hands through the sheets. She like a little sexual she does?
Speaker 3:she turns in, I get a little predatory she just gets a little prim prowler.
Speaker 1:She does, she turns into like I get a little predatory. She gets a little primal. That's where it's going. Both times I've been like she could easily try to finger bite me. I'm not sure.
Speaker 3:Well, I did tell her I need to be fully prepared. We like cuddled.
Speaker 1:Hold on, yeah, she was like I think she was like um, can we cuddle? So I, you know, it was like I was like the dude holding her in my arms and she would just like tickle my forearm and she'd like rub my hair. It felt really good, but I'm like I feel like with all the books she reads, like the fucking monster, gay monster books. Like I'm like this could go weird, like so fucking quick and I'm not sure you know, ally, I'm not a lizard, okay I do love a tail, show me what you got.
Speaker 1:I do have a little whale tail today.
Speaker 2:I remember at one point I said something about I don't want to make you uncomfortable, and she was like what I said. Well, christine, I kind of tried to fuck you last time and I said, because this journey was specifically about sexuality and intimacy I know I was.
Speaker 3:You were scared.
Speaker 2:I said I was scared because I thought, if I come out of this feeling myself and she goes, are you afraid you're gonna rape me? And I was like no, oh my god. No, I said. But I was afraid that I was gonna be, you were gonna make a move, that I was gonna make her uncomfortable I said I didn't I didn't want to be Like you were going to make a move that I was going to make her uncomfortable.
Speaker 2:I said I didn't. I didn't want to be so handsy and flirty that Christine's over there like where's my chastity belt.
Speaker 3:Leah, I need you to come pick me up right now.
Speaker 2:Yes, I just because even when I get like I mean I haven't been drunk very often but if I get buzzed or get, the first thing I want to do is like I want to make out with my girlfriends.
Speaker 3:I was literally just going to say that's one of the reasons I stopped drinking is because I became a makeout queen when I drank.
Speaker 2:I can't help it. Girls have such soft lips.
Speaker 3:Oh, I would make out with anybody Like girls, guys, anybody. Why don't you come?
Speaker 2:over here and give me a kiss.
Speaker 3:Now I'm scared, just kidding. But I'm like I quit drinking because I'm like I'm going to end up going home with someone and I'm married Because I don't know what I'm doing.
Speaker 2:No, I like girls.
Speaker 3:I like kissing.
Speaker 2:They're just so soft and they're just so pretty and like. I like them when I'm sober too, I like them when I when I'm sober too.
Speaker 3:I like furry outfits I have just I'm just throwing that out there, I'm just kidding I'm.
Speaker 1:I do have a lot of you, do you mean?
Speaker 3:fuzzy we should probably clarify. I know it's not real furry, but I have a lot of animal onesies. I like have animal onesie. They're cute. That's what we did. We did it for my birthday.
Speaker 1:I was like I went for my birthday, okay animal pajamas I think animal onesies I made everybody pick out, maybe. Maybe you haven't dove into that as much as you should have I know I'm like there's something is there something there? I don't think, I don't think I'm a furry.
Speaker 3:I those I did look up a furry outfit once though, and they are expensive as fuck. They're expensive as fuck.
Speaker 2:Yeah, man up a furry outfit once though, and they are expensive as fuck. She loves a furry. They're expensive as fuck. Yeah, man, Like a furry, like.
Speaker 3:One time, jason, like SNM outfit, picked out like a butt plug that had like a tail on it. We didn't get it, but I was like you would, you would, you would like that. He's like I mean, yeah, it's kind of cool and I'm like, oh, oh, it's like a rainbow tail.
Speaker 2:Can we edit that part out. Please leave it in. Please leave it in. Did I just blow your?
Speaker 3:mind a little bit. There might be something there that was the kinkiest thing you've ever told me.
Speaker 2:Did she not just say I'm not a sexual deviant at all? I don't really get into anything, okay. Rainbow tail butt plug.
Speaker 3:We didn't get it oh they didn't get it Not that one, not that one. They got the neon green and striped one one the matching ears oh shit, I'm gonna have to have a conversation with jason oh my god, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:Sorry for that little side track. I don't even remember what we're talking about. Oh, I just was talking about making out with people, but but yeah, you get very like sexual and you're like lying on the bed and like rubbing your body like I'm I'm worried you're gonna masturbate um the first journey, I was worried myself about that.
Speaker 2:I thought is she still in here? Would it be weird to ask her to leave? This one wasn't as bad, I will tell you no no, it was.
Speaker 1:It was much more pg and it was almost like you just wanted that connection yeah, I did, I needed connection I need like just touch connection, like uh I was just like holding her like a little, like a little baby, please tell them what I did to you.
Speaker 2:What did you do?
Speaker 3:was it the foot with your foot? I remember. Oh, my god. Okay, she texted me as it happened. I'm so sorry to out you like that, but she texted me after you did it like sos, sos, sos.
Speaker 1:So not like that she wasn't like she was like.
Speaker 3:I was just like keep me posted on how ali's doing like she said, she said something about no, I leah wants to be here and I said, where is I?
Speaker 2:know I it.
Speaker 3:I would love to be there right now. I would love to like.
Speaker 1:I'm not yelling, yelling your name at her phone Next time I'm going to like record it, you should.
Speaker 2:I'm not going to. You said can.
Speaker 1:I record you. I said, yes, yeah, cause you, yes, and that was off the bed. And like, did you record me though? Yes, oh, I never saw it. Yeah, I'll send it to you. And then like, like you know, again throwing her hands on the bed and like, oh my god, like, look at me, I have such a cute butt. Like, oh my god, I love my legs. I'm so juicy and delicious and I'm like sitting there and I'm like this fucking bitch, she all here, I love her because my brain is loud and all I hear is could you please sit down?
Speaker 2:can you please sit down before you hurt yourself, ellie?
Speaker 1:lay on the bed well, that's another thing too. Like she has a bad back and she's, like you know, whipping and weaving and like twisting and turning and I'm like, girl, you're gonna like throw your back out, like sit down, you geriatric millennial. So she texts me, so I'm like her room is like nice and cozy, but it's cold and I get cold easily. So I'm like you know, like nuzzling in underneath her comforter her bed's so comfy and like my feet are sticking out and she's like, oh, what's that? And I was like it's my feet, they're so tiny. And she literally like like throws the comforter down, grabs my foot and fucking bites it, not just like a little nipple, a little nipple, it was like. And I was like ali, I don't know where that came from. Well, and then she goes oh, that was something that like I thought that was an inside thought.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was an inside thought, but it it came outside.
Speaker 2:I'm really sorry and I'm like did I bite you hard? And she was like yeah, I was like. Oh, my god, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 3:I just couldn't help it. That's when I texted it. I was just like I really wish I could be there right now just to witness it.
Speaker 1:But that was an inside thought that accidentally went outside.
Speaker 3:I'm so sorry, they look so they're so tiny, they're so easy to crunch on oh my god, I need to create an only fans for fucking real, just for your feet, for real, no like that's it, yeah, that's it for real. Just for your feet, for real. No, like that's it, yeah that's it for real I mean people.
Speaker 1:There's a guy, dash cam 365. He does comment on our youtube and he's like often about our fucking dude.
Speaker 2:I'm not wearing socks today. I gotta put that oh, he's gonna. He's gonna leave in the comments and he's gonna to say tell her there you go, there you go.
Speaker 3:Dash cam, three, six, five, you're welcome. Yeah, he's always like can you guys wiggle your feet more?
Speaker 1:And we're like he likes it. He likes it when we do the fast toe shakes. So weird.
Speaker 3:We're going to need some money.
Speaker 1:Watch dash cam three, six five is Kevin from O'Shea's this episode. Dash cam 365 is kevin from o'shea's this, this episode.
Speaker 2:He's gonna hear it and be like oh shit, that's me, those are her toes. Like those are her toes, I've been missing this this entire time. Put my venmo in the bottom of this okay, totally, totally, um.
Speaker 3:So also, before we sat down, you said something about this journey and the lessons not being as obvious. Yeah, and I think we should talk about that a little bit, because that happens often. And those are the journeys that I think people really have a hard time integrating, because you come out of it and you don't know what to do with it. Integrating because you come out of it and you don't know what to do with it. So I usually tell people, like, if it felt good in it, anything that doesn't feel like that outside of it is where you need to move, where you need to take action. So, like, remember that feeling of like connection with that you had with yourself and focus on that and anything that takes away from that is where you should be, like, putting your focus on changing.
Speaker 2:So honestly, even so, at the end of this journey. So after you know I I came out of the deep part and I get a little frisky and whatever I crashed like instant. I mean I don't even know what it was, but like I was flitting around the room and we were having a good time and then, yeah, you got exhausted and I went and laid down and that's where I mean I she goes.
Speaker 2:Okay, you were here and you are all the way down here now and it just came out of nowhere and I sat there and then that's where we talked a lot and some of it I remember, and I, because I remember I kept bringing up my ex and she was like again, gotta let it go, like, and I was like I have, and she's like you haven't, yeah, keep. Everything relates back to him. And I always thought of it as like well, that's the easiest thing that I've known. You know, I've known him for so long, like that's the easiest thing. But then again I was like, wait, I don't think I actually have let go.
Speaker 2:I don't think I have, because I do. I keep still bringing him up and you know, we sat there and we talked about a lot of stuff and about doing instead of just, you know, taking this and going from there, and I mean I can't remember how long we laid there and talked.
Speaker 1:You are also someone who is very all and it's perfect or it's nothing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I am very black and white and all or nothing Like. I'm one of those people where, you know, they say like, oh, just go for a walk for 10 minutes. And I'm like, 10 minutes isn't going to do anything, I'm not going to do it. And then you know, I haven't taken a walk for four years now.
Speaker 3:Think of all those 10 minutes and how much that would have added up.
Speaker 2:Yes, instead of like. In my mind it's like you have to work out for 60 minutes and be sweaty.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So I that's kind of everywhere in my life I'm like that, which is another thing that I'm working on, and so you know, I crashed for a little bit. We talked a lot. We talked about my human design, about how I'm a generator and these types to leave. And I remember in the first journey, when she left, I mean I was still like I said, riding this high, floating around, went outside. Well, after she left, I mean I haven't told you this, but I got angry, like angry, and I went and I sat on my back porch and I was sitting there because I like to at least be in nature afterwards Just makes me feel a lot better and I just kept sitting there thinking and I hadn't really dug through it yet and I thought, okay, nothing came up, did it even do anything? I feel like all it did was pretty much just reiterate that like, yeah, you're a little fucked up when it comes to intimacy, babe. I guess that is what it is. And I just sat there like stewing on my back porch for another probably two hours, oh wow, and came back in, went and laid on the couch for a long time. Same thing the next. So then I thought, you know what we'll go to bed and like the next couple days will be better. I'll get that high back. No, never got it, not the way that. It was the first time. And I started getting mad and I was like, and I even went through a phase where I was like, well, that was pointless, oh, shit, yeah, and I even.
Speaker 2:So, it's a couple of people at work, um knew that I was doing it again and I had come back to work and I was there for two or three days and then I was later on, I was telling one of the girls about it and she goes, I'm not going to lie, something a little different. She said, especially after your first one, the way you were, I was expecting more and it's not there. I said, yeah, and I don't know why. I don't know why. And so then that's where you know we had talked about that. That's where then it hit me. It was like, okay, you can't, there's nothing for you to hide behind. You can't hide behind the high, you can't hide behind the goofy and the funny that there's. There's nothing, there's no barrier, there's nothing there that you are that deal with it. This is it. Deal with it.
Speaker 2:Like it almost was like the shrooms this time saying like, hey, we threw you a bone last time. Hey, you know, we gave you that, we, we eased you into it. It's over, babe, this time you got to do it. Yeah, no more spoon feeding this time. It's you time, time to do it. And that's really how it felt. And so we had talked, christine and I had talked about how I was a generator, and so I thought, okay, first step, let me just see what that entails like for my human design. And I'm reading there and it says that generators are ruled by their sacral chakra. So I thought, okay, I don't really know anything, just where all that?
Speaker 3:sexual stuff is.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I start looking into my sacral chakra and it's like if your sacral chakra is blocked, you experience loss of intimacy, fear of intimacy, like issues with creativity. And I even had to tell her like I had painted my front door months ago. I'm talking like six months ago. Did I send this to tell her like I had painted my front door months ago? I'm talking like six months ago. Did I send this to you? No, oh, it's horrendous, so bad. It's the inside of my front door, like six or seven months ago. I just was like 1130 at night and I thought I'm going to paint that. And so I got the bright idea. I was going to paint it pink with clouds on it, because I thought that would be so pretty, like with clouds on it, because I thought that would be so pretty, like I had an idea in my head. It's miserable, right? It's so bad, so so bad.
Speaker 1:It just looks like white.
Speaker 2:She has like white blobs on her door. It's bad, it doesn't look like clouds and it's the wrong shade of pink. So for literally six or seven months, every time I walk by my front door, I mean it still has the green painter's tape on it. Every time I go just paint it back white and deal with it later. Like you're just staring at this, I just paint, but like I'm even my creativity like blocked, it's blocked, and so you know it's like your sacral chakra no creativity, loss of intimacy, um, sexual dysfunction, irregularity in your menstruating, and I'll have you know not to get too in depth.
Speaker 2:I've always been a regular. I've had one period this year, one Damn. I just had it like the week before my birthday, march. It was like a 97-day cycle. I'd gone three months without one. Your regular periods Tight hips which is me Lower back pain, I mean all of these things, and I'm like motherfucker, oh shit, okay, so at least it was like all right, I have a plan now. I'm going to work on my sacral chakra. I'm going to open some stuff up down in the nether regions. So I started doing a sacral chakra meditation. It's a lot of humming, chanting, chanting, and I mean I just found it on youtube and, you know, even doing things like hip, more hip openers, because I was so focused on my lower back and oh, my lower back hurts all the time and I thought, well, let's do some hip openers, let's even things as simple as like uh, chakral, your sacral chakra is uh orange, the energy is orange eating my fucking carrots out of my pitcher carrots. Sweet potatoes. Uh citrus, like increased all my orange foods like little tiny steps like that?
Speaker 3:did you send her the chakra book that you and I have, like the workbook I?
Speaker 2:think I did. Yeah, the one you were working on when you were there.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah, I literally did it while she was in.
Speaker 3:Yeah, because I don't think people think it's that You're making it sound easy and it kind of is. It really is. It's like no, you can work on your throat chakra by eating more blue foods and you know, yeah, yeah, anyway, it's wild how.
Speaker 1:It is simple. It sounds pause. What time is it?
Speaker 2:255 okay how much time you got like 15 20 minutes okay, okay, I can rein it in. Yeah, yeah it, it is simple, but it was like again, I just had to do it. Yeah, because then of course, my goes into this like well, you're not going to heal yourself by eating carrots, you're not going to heal yourself by just doing a 10-minute meditation, Like you've meditated before, Okay, but I haven't done this one specifically that focuses on, like you know, that orange ball of energy and your sacrum.
Speaker 2:I mean again to sound hippie woo. I don't know if it's just a placebo, whatever, but like after three days of it felt better, Like felt a change, Holy shit Already, and like even I mean I just I don't do enough of that type of stuff.
Speaker 1:You really should do my root chakra journal, or sorry, chakra journal. Yeah, chakra journal.
Speaker 3:And that's the thing. Like I'm like the one who, like, introduced you to the chakras and the chakra book and I've got the bracelets and all the shit. But like I have that book yeah, I've read the books. I don't dive into it, and that's what I was telling you earlier. Like the way that I've been drawn to blues lately, like the way that you've been drawn to reds, I'm like there's something there and I literally just said that this morning I'm gonna, I'm gonna buy it for you.
Speaker 3:When I get home, buy what for me. That journal, it's not the one that I sent you. I don't think so.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay okay, it might be different. I don't know, maybe it is okay, well, what's?
Speaker 3:what's funny is that I quote, unquote put it in our bio, put, put it. Put the link in our bio. Send it to me on Amazon below.
Speaker 2:I always quote unquote believed this stuff I shouldn't say always, I mean recently, you know but then I don't know that I fully believed it would work and again went back to I believes that I believed it worked for others. When my sister talks about it and I go, yeah, I told I get it. For others, when my sister talks about it and I go, yeah, I get it, I don't think you're crazy, I totally get it. When I hear you guys talk about it, I'm like, yeah, man, I get it. But again it went back to it's not going to work for me and it was like I just believed it happened, but I'm not going to do it right.
Speaker 2:So if I'm not doing it right and then so it has morphed into, like I said, in the last two weeks, intention for me has been so and I think part of it was, you know, when I was growing up religious. You know there was prayer and I always was under the impression I had to get my words right. You know what I mean. You have to ask for things correctly and you have to make sure you're in the right mindset and blah, blah, blah. And if I don't say it exactly the way that I need, then God's not going to provide that Damn. And so for now, when we talk, you know, whenever I think about manifestation or intention or anything like that, I have always thought, oh crap, if I don't word this exactly correctly I could do, maybe I could get get the wrong thing. And then it was like it's intention, it's energy, it's, it's being open to things. You know, instead of being so like, sometimes I'm really really specific in my intentions.
Speaker 2:You know, I wanted a new. I got a new job recently and it was like I wanted a certain hours and I wanted this bonus and I wanted a certain pay. And I went in and interviewed and some of those things were up in the air and I kept thinking, well, I was trying to do some intentions and I thought, well, I'll be okay if it's not this and I'll take less pay and I'll take the, it'll be, that's enough. And then finally I went what? Why can't I ask for exactly what I want? Oh, why can't I? Why can't I do that? And so I like, at the end of the interview I was like, uh, they said, what hours do you want? I want these hours and I would really like if I could get a bonus and I would really like to make this much money. I got everything, everything everything.
Speaker 1:So you texted me this and you said this was just like a week and a half ago, week ago, whatever. And you said like we need to meet up soon. I have been manifesting the fuck out of my life. I got a new job, thirty thousand dollar,000 bonus, you know, whatever. And then you said something about your personal, like romantic stuff and I was like holy shit, bitch. And then I texted Leah the other night and I was like we should have her on because I want to hear it and I want to hear about it while she's on air because I just I feel like she's such a great storyteller and I just but also because you have been doing the fucking work and now you know what that looks like and being open to doing new things.
Speaker 3:And you know what that looks like and being open to doing new things and you know what that looks like, and it's like it's kind of like before you got into the woo and you would like hear me talking about it and be like, oh my, this bitch is crazy but then, like you did it, I didn't think you were crazy I know I didn't think I would experience.
Speaker 1:That's what I meant.
Speaker 3:That's what I meant to say like you were, like seeing it and like that's great that it works for you. I believed you. I've just never had that experience and I didn't believe I could yeah.
Speaker 1:Until I did.
Speaker 3:Yep, that's exactly to me. That is what spirituality is when you experience it yourself, and I hate to. I can say this in front of you, because like you have the same type of religious trauma that I have. I never experienced anything religious, they were just. My mom would always be like you just have to have faith and I'm like I don't know what that means. So I didn't.
Speaker 1:I never felt or experienced anything from religion, because it was always outside of you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, where spirituality is what's inside of you, because there was no, I wasn't allowed to explore or question or any of that. The religion that we grew up in was. We were told that this is what it is and this is what you need to believe and this is what you should feel, and this is this. And I kept sitting there thinking I don't. So I must be a bad Christian because you know you go to some kind of service and you know I can feel God move and I'm like where?
Speaker 3:Or like I can't, I think it's a breeze, Like I know a lot of Christians who are like, oh, I could never go see a medium that goes against my religion, that type of stuff. But then I'm like but you're listening to a man say he talked to God last night and is having dreams and prophecies, and what do you think a medium is?
Speaker 2:It just like you said, spirituality is so it's so personal. Like you said, spirituality is so it's so personal, it's so and that's why, like that, if you want to be buddhist, taoist, that's. That's the other thing about it is I thought.
Speaker 1:because of growing up in religion, I thought but I didn't have the religious trauma like you guys, but it's still conditioning, yeah, but I thought spirituality, I'm not like you. I don't fit into this box of like these people who come on social media and they're like, um, this is the profound thing I'm going to say to you on my reel. Like I'm goofy and I'm funny and so I didn't think that I would fit in that.
Speaker 3:Oh, you didn't think you would fit into that Right.
Speaker 1:Because I was like I'm silly and I watched Bravo.
Speaker 3:There's no box. With religion I mean spirituality. There's no box.
Speaker 1:Now I know that, yeah, I can be whatever I want to be. You can be whatever you want to be, and believe whatever you want to believe, as long as I get to just be and you're not wrong, right In, whatever you're thinking or feeling or doing.
Speaker 1:But that's too. What I love about this podcast is I think there is that thought that I'm not this, I'm not her, I'm not her, I'm not this whole thing. You don't have to be. I can't be that, but I think that we do a good job of showing people they don't have to be.
Speaker 3:Remember I said that before I was like I think sometimes people saw how I started getting into crystals and getting into and they were like if I do mushrooms, I'm going to turn into that and I'm like, no, you won't, you'll just be more.
Speaker 1:I thought I had to do the sage. I still don't do the sage. I still don't do the crystals. I don't do do all that. I do my own thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think spirituality meets you where you are. Yeah, it doesn't say I'm over here, come to me, come to me. I think it says I'm going to go and I'm going to meet you exactly where you are. Clip, and it's that's what. That's what it is to me and that's when I finally started finding things that were meaningful to me. And finding myself is when I was trying to like force myself over here and go over here and maybe I'll to me. And finding myself Is when I was trying to like Force myself over here and go over here and maybe I'll try this, and instead I was like why don't I just sit here and see what happens and Love that? This is? It has found me and it has connected me With like minded people that I can share my thoughts with and like it has been the best thing.
Speaker 3:You guys, I'm vibing so hard right now and this I can feel it did it just hit you. How long has it been? Yeah, it's been about an hour 40 minutes. Her eyes behind her glasses. You took the amanita, I did not. You and your thc. I can't. That's why I said I was like I am so in alignment with the both of you right now I'm like I don't want to be that you don't have to.
Speaker 1:I'm so weird and I didn't think I was spiritual come on, just Just give me some, you are in your own way. Just give me some Amanita and I am Okay.
Speaker 3:Remember that pin we put in earlier and I said I want to come back to it. I'm not really Okay.
Speaker 3:Yeah, the anxiety, when you were talking about how, before this journey, you had so much anxiety and we have touched on this I don't think people I think people try so hard to get rid of their anxiety and they're like I just want it to be gone, I don't want to have it anymore. And I see it in a different way. I think that anxiety is an invitation to move. I think that anxiety is an invitation to move and the way that you said that earlier, how you had so much anxiety building up before this journey I will admit, I have anxiety before every journey because you don't know what's going to happen, but you're trusting the process You're in a very vulnerable state, yeah, so I think it's normal to have anxiety. And then you said and then this voice in the back of my head said that's exactly why you need it.
Speaker 2:Yes, because I don't think anxiety is a base level emotion, the same way that I don't think that anger is a base level emotion. Right, when someone's angry, they say I'm angry. It's like no, you're not, there's something under there there's something there. Either you're sad or you feel like you're out of control.
Speaker 3:Anxiety is not a feeling or an emotion. It's a feeling it's not an emotion.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's to me, it's a response to something else.
Speaker 3:Yes, and mine was. I was feeling a little bit out of control. That makes perfect sense, because this is what I was trying to say. Like we say all the time, like you know people who start microdosing and they're like well, then I started feeling more anxious and I'm like well, take a look at when and where you're feeling anxious and and try to understand why it's making you feel that way. Is it because is it at work? Do you feel anxious when you're not putting up boundaries, or you're not saying what you need to say, or you're taking on too much? Or do you feel anxious around a certain person?
Speaker 2:Because anxiety is not always bad.
Speaker 1:Right, you need anxiety. You need it. Let's just survive.
Speaker 2:To me. I think we've morphed this gut feeling into anxiety and I need to tamp it down and it's like no. That's your intuition and you're like you know you go out to the bar and you're like, oh, sleaze over there in the corner has given me the ick Like you're good. Sometimes you just get anxiety and that's good. Your body's saying you maybe you need to move away.
Speaker 1:Be friends with that.
Speaker 2:Yes, be friends with that.
Speaker 3:I need you to, not with the creep in the corner, but the anxiety that's coming up. It's there for a reason, but I think a lot of times drinking numbs that anxiety until the next day and then you're like even more highly anxious. And another thing that like amplifies anxiety is caffeine. And I don't think people realize that, like if you are already an anxious person and you're drinking caffeine every day is only going to make you more anxious, literally.
Speaker 2:I work with a guy who is the most anxious person. He walks in the door and immediately he like, takes a look at our board and it's like I can't do this, what about this? And then he walks into the break room and starts shoving a monster and it's like my dude bless him. No, we don't like him but, you know that that's not making you feel better. I don't know that.
Speaker 3:People know that I've had people say to me before, like when microdosing, and I try to explain, like try not to microdose and drink coffee, because if you're already anxious about microdosing you're gonna be even more anxious and it's gonna amplify that. They're like I didn't know caffeine caused anxiety and I'm like I thought everybody knew that. But okay, maybe it's just the bubble that I live in, but okay, but yes, it causes anxiety. But to your point, like it's necessary. And I was telling her, like there have been people in my life who brought me so much anxiety.
Speaker 3:I would have the anxiety if I saw their number pop up or I saw them calling me and I'd be like, oh my God, I don't want to do this and it was there for a reason. They weren't, they weren't for me and I had to put up boundaries. And then there are times when I have anxiety. And this is where I was saying, where my 16 year old son is driving and I'm in the passenger seat and I'm like, and I'm like that I'm not trying to get rid of that, that's going to be there, because my kid is learning how to drive.
Speaker 1:And you want to be safe and you want him to be safe.
Speaker 2:Yes, and I think there are levels of anxiety. Where they there, it's because of nothing. I mean, there's even been times where I've said I feel anxious, there's no, I'm sitting in my bed and like to me, but I think facing it is when you then learn to pull the two of them apart. Yes, am I actually anxious about something? Am I anxious about work? Am I anxious about this? Or am I just having anxiety because I'm laying in bed and that's where I go? Because I still think, you know, I'm off of all of my pharmaceutical drugs, off of all my antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds.
Speaker 2:I don't think it's a problem if people still take them. I think some people do need to take anti-anxiety medication. It's fine, but I still Maybe they don't have tools to. They might not have tools, but I still think it is obviously beneficial for you to learn to say this is the type of anxiety that my medication can handle, because it has no source, it has no meaning, it's just, that's just an imbalance, and that's a highly anxious person and that's the anxiety that my medication needs to take care of, or there's the anxiety that I need to dig in and I need to tear the two apart.
Speaker 2:Like situational anxiety situational anxiety, where it's a job or a person or whatever, and that's where you need to take action on it and I need to get away from that. And that's where, before this journey, when I was having this anxiety, I thought it had nothing, I thought it was sourceless and I'm going oh, why is my heart rate going, why? And then that's where I sat down and it was like what are we feeling? Are you afraid? Are you? Do you really not want to do it? Are you like what? Where is this? Why are you cleaning your bathroom? You never clean your bathroom. Why are you cleaning your bathroom? And that's where I had to sit down and say what is the source of you freaking out right now? And it was fear, because I knew that my shit was going to be shown and I wasn't quite sure I wanted to face it. And so the anxiety was saying you need to run away. You need to run away, because who wants to see all the crap? Who wants to sit there for an hour and go? These are all the problems that are wrong with you and you need to fix this. Nobody wants to see that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but the more that I have these journeys and the more that I tack on to the end and I expand the things that my tools and the things that I need to learn. That's where I go. The end and I expand the things that, my tools and the things that I need to learn. That's where I go. Who wants to be shown their shit? And now I'm going, I do, Show me my shit, I do, I want to know. I don't want to hide anymore. I want them to show me. I, like I need to know, and I because, show me what to do next, show me what you do next, because each little minuscule kind of mountain that I've overcome with my mother, with my ex, with my divorce, with this, every time I deal with this anxiety and this and I get shown my shit, it's so much better on the other side, dude it's so much better.
Speaker 1:Therapist Carol Ann is crushing it at her job.
Speaker 2:Like therapist, carol ann is crushing it at her job.
Speaker 3:Like god, carol ann, you are one of her real name literally I was like you were like I love carol and I'm like do you know, carol?
Speaker 1:the whole time she was saying that I was like I love carol ann would be so proud of these words I love carol ann yes, I do.
Speaker 2:She's a good one and she's a good one and she dresses so well. Okay, she's so cute. I don't know if she's out there listening, but I do love her. She's great. We do EMDR together.
Speaker 1:Love that and she's wonderful, but that was all. But that it does, it's just beautiful. It was it just feels.
Speaker 2:It feels so much better and I keep that in mind every single time I think it's really crappy it's going to feel better. And you know, some people might say that's really basic and if that's what it takes to get me there, then that's fine, it doesn't matter how simple it doesn't matter how basic, but just to remind myself that on the other side of this I'm going to be happier more well adjusted.
Speaker 3:How many times have we said that, though Like we're, like we go through shit, though Our lives aren't perfect, we just go through it in a different way and we don't get stuck in it because we know that there is another side to it and it seems like the more practice you have, the easier it is to handle when you're in the throes of it and in the thick of it. So I wanted to say that because I was like setting the table up for our new setup, by the way, that we did just for you, I love it To our creepers out there.
Speaker 3:I like being the center of attention and I found this set of cards that I bought, like how long ago, like a year ago, never opened the box.
Speaker 2:Hold on.
Speaker 3:Where are they at? Oh, there's my fingernail. I lost a fingernail, not fingernail, it's just gel. It's polish, it's polish. I lost a gel polish. I went down at the beginning of the episode. I was like what happened to my finger?
Speaker 3:um okay cards against anxiety and I'm I'm actually going to gift this to a friend who messaged me and was just like, when you are feeling like this way, what do you do? And I was like I have a timeout corner in my bedroom and I go in there and I like watch my trashy tv because I don't want to blow up on my kids and my husband, and I feel my feels and I'm in timeout. I go to my corner. I was like find a safe place in your home and go to your corner, go to my mind palace, my mind palace, my safe place. But it's a book, but it comes with these cards and I want to.
Speaker 3:I'm going to gift them to her because I'm like put these cards in your timeout corner and just pull one. And each one is a way to like move through anxiety. So there's square breathing, love your belly, which is like rest a hand on your belly, breathe in deeply through the nose and fill your belly, expand outwards, then breathe out through your mouth as the belly relaxes back. There's like all these little tricks and tips in here that like do a body scan, sit or, and then it tells you on the back of it exactly what to do you need to link that for people who want it for sure will.
Speaker 3:I'm like totally want to buy it. I bought it because the packaging is so fucking pretty obvi never opened it until today and I was like oh, that could not scream leah more right if I could just like dip myself in this. Yeah, yeah, you're like a like a sherbert cone or something.
Speaker 1:She's totally sherbert.
Speaker 2:She is very sherbert oh, and I love her what's that movie?
Speaker 1:silence of the lambs like hello, like I think that guy's sexy, yeah, but like in a but in a like, in a tearing way oh in a non-cannibalistic way okay and like
Speaker 3:yeah, you're cool, much kinder, I would be okay with you doing it.
Speaker 1:I'd be okay with you locking me in your basement.
Speaker 2:Girly pop hannibal.
Speaker 3:Hannibal, the millennial Hannibal.
Speaker 2:You know Hannibal with bows in his hair, Jesus.
Speaker 3:Christ, that went weird.
Speaker 2:It's okay, we're here for it, she made it weird she always makes it weird.
Speaker 3:I love that you said that about me?
Speaker 2:You do, you do.
Speaker 3:We're all so fucking weird, like the conversations we had before we hit record like I wish we had been recording then, but kind of glad we weren't. All right, I am loving this whole journey. I've loved this journey for you from the beginning, but like I think it also goes to show that this journey is not a one and done. You're not healed. Each step is a step to another step, each lesson is a lesson for another lesson and you're constantly building your tools up and you're constantly building up your tolerance to the shit that we call life.
Speaker 2:And I think it can be overwhelming to go. The healing is never ending. It's never ending and you go for a while there. I went seriously. It's never going to be done.
Speaker 2:And now I go it's never going to be done. I get to do this, I get, I get to keep doing it because again, it's just one more thing I get to learn, and then like, maybe if I learn it, I get to learn, and then like, maybe if I learn it I get to tell somebody else, and then maybe they get to tell somebody else, and so now it's more. I see it as this gift. I don't like the word blessing, yeah.
Speaker 3:We'll go with gift.
Speaker 2:I see it as a gift that I get to. I get to keep doing it, because what's the other option?
Speaker 1:And we are just spiritual beings here to have a human experience, and so we got to do the human shit while we're here.
Speaker 3:Do you know? I've said before like there are people in my life who I like look at and I'm like why did they get the easy way? Like, why don't they have to do the work?
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 3:I remember feeling like this my first year doing the work, being like why do I have to be the one that has to do this? And that person gets to do this and this and this and they don't have to do any of this inner self work or self reflection. And now I'm like, oh, that's their karma. They aren't doing this and they are miserable on the inside. They would never admit to that, but I know they are because I used to be that. I know they are, so that is why I'd look at it as a gift now instead of a curse. I think a lot of times people in the beginning of this work feel like it's daunting and I think maybe I've told you, maybe we've talked about it, jason in the beginning was like I wish I'd never known. I think a lot of people think that in the beginning like life was easier before I knew this shit. And then you get over that hump of that and you're like, oh, but I wouldn't go back now. There's no way I would go back. Oh God, no.
Speaker 1:Yep.
Speaker 3:I'm really happy that you're on the other side. Thank you, me too Any closing statements, any life lessons or anything we want to put out there for anybody before we go. I feel like you said it all but I'm going to try. What's your favorite monster porn book?
Speaker 2:Oh God.
Speaker 1:We'll link it, you'll never leave me alone.
Speaker 3:I kind of want to read one.
Speaker 2:I'm just saying like it's a curiosity thing, for me it's not a judgment, it's a curiosity.
Speaker 3:Do you want male? I'm just saying I'm going to read one. It's a curiosity thing for me. It's not a judgment, it's a curiosity. I'm going to read one.
Speaker 2:Do you want male male, or do you want male female?
Speaker 3:I want male, female Is there female, female.
Speaker 2:I need, like there's some female female.
Speaker 3:I haven't read a lot I'll do, male, female. Let's start with that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't even know what that is, but I want it. I don't know. I don't even know what that is, I don't know.
Speaker 1:if you do because you don't know what it means, I don't know, that's my life motto.
Speaker 3:I don't know what it is, but I want it. I don't know what the Peggy's though.
Speaker 1:I'm not sure.
Speaker 2:We're going to find out. It's hot, okay, it's hot.
Speaker 3:It's hot, okay, hey, don't knock it till you, try it. And it's real short, real, real short. Okay, perfect read. All right, I'll read it this weekend and on that note, and on that note um, I hope you guys enjoy Allie as much as we do. And her footsies Tell me I'm funny.
Speaker 2:Tell all your friends I'm so funny. I thought you meant like right now, I'm like you are funny.
Speaker 3:Yeah, tell me, I'm funny, you're so funny.
Speaker 2:Oh, my God thanks, oh my God Believe that.
Speaker 3:Believe that? Okay, I believe it. Okay, stay curious, be open. We'll see you guys on the other side.
Speaker 2:Bye.