Stop, Identify Yourself!

Who. Are. You? It's a question many of us ask ourselves at least once in a lifetime. We define ourselves by our roles, who we know, and our physical attributes. But what happens when we alter our identity to fit into a mold others have made for us? We suffer.

This episode is all about how we identify ourselves, how we allow others to identify us, and how we can break harmful patterns that keep us from living as our most authentic selves.

Resource Notes:

See the full definition list for identity here.

Also, if you're looking for a good read that's sure to give you some piece and help you accept yourself for who you are, check out Brene Brown's "I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't)".

Transcript

Hello, what’s up, everybody! Welcome to the Amending Whole podcast. I am Jessica Lanette, your host, and advocate for living a whole life. This is the second episode of the podcast and I am sooooo grateful to be back with you again to talk about wholeness for Black women. So let’s jump right in.

If you joined me last week, you know that I spent the entire first episode giving you some background on me and telling you why I created the show. But today, Sis, we are about to get into something real heavy, so be prepared to dive deep.

Let’s start with a question. Who are you? That can be a loaded question if we sit with it for a moment. Probably because we answer this question in so many ways, don’t we? One set of answers is usually wrapped up in our roles. We say- “I’m a woman, I’m a mom, or I’m a friend.” 

Or we identify ourselves by our race- We’ll say- “I’m Black, I’m African, I’m biracial.” Also, who we love- “I’m heterosexual, I’m lesbian, I’m queer.”

Another set of answers revolves around what we do or (our jobs). “I’m a business owner, I’m an administrative assistant, or I’m a CEO.”

We also answer this question based on who we are associated with. Like, “I’m Paula’s daughter, I’m Tracy’s cousin, or I’m Jason’s wife.”

And in many cases, to our detriment, we answer the question based on mistakes we’ve made. “I’m a cheater, I’m a liar, or I’m a thief.” Or perhaps, we identify ourselves by the things that cause us pain. “I’m heartbroken, I’m tired, or I’m broke.”

It’s not uncommon for people to do these things. We live in a world where we are defined by more than just our names. But for Black women, there is another way we identify ourselves and it’s hurting us; not just individually but as a group. 

Instead of relying on our internal knowledge of who we are, we have allowed others to tell us who we are and who we should be. 

Now as a disclaimer, I’m well aware of the cultural revolution that’s happening right now within the Black community. It’s beautiful to see us fighting to be seen and heard as the truest versions of ourselves. This point I’m making is not to diminish our progress. I’m simply adding another voice to our ongoing quest for increased awareness.

Now, I’d like to do something that I may do occasionally. I want to read something to you. As we continue to walk through this wholeness journey together, you’ll quickly learn that I like to share stories as part of my teaching method. It helps me make my points. Today’s story is a poem titled “You Called Me Jennifer.”

You called me Jennifer and I let you

Because I was too "nice" to correct you

I mean, Jessica or Jennifer they both start with J's, right?

In time you'd get to know me and fix your oversight…

 But that was my first mistake, assuming you'd take a break from your monotonously busy life.

To see that the girl in front of you was different than the one you called outright

You see, Jennifer is sharp tongued and can be connivingly witty

To you, she is smart and fun and my God, is she pretty.

She speaks her mind and always finds the time to make sure you have all you need.

Jennifer submits to your will so she won't have to stomach ill-will when she disagrees with what you say.

Jennifer serves you falsely believing that one day you will appreciate her in every way.

But now I see that when you called for Jennifer but referred to me, that I was a fake in your eyes.

I let you think I was someone who fits into the life in which you desired to reside.

You never saw who I was because I didn't have the balls to show you

That Jessica is not a Jennifer; she is so much more than the typical girls you go through.

I suppose part of the reason I never corrected your malfeasance was because I was scared of being alone.

I desperately wanted you to like me so I tried my hardest to be this Jennifer person.

I've become the fake I always swore I hate because I didnt know my worth.

And that mistake almost cost me something so great...knowing that Jessica was special from the moment of her birth.

You called me Jennifer and I let you

But now I'm determined to correct you

Since phony only caused me to end up bitter and lonely, I have to tell you what's true.

I'm Jess, not Jenn, let me say that again

I AM JESS NOT JENN and you won't call me that again

Because I know my worth and from this day forth, I will embrace the name my mother adopted from a fictional TV author who kept criminals from walking,

Around their towns with arrogant crowns believing they got away with murder.

No. I cant think of one thing absurder than being an accomplice in my own murder, simply because I refuse to stand up for myself.

After lots of prayer and staying aware, I decided to turn myself in

As the imposter everyone called Jenn.

No. I am "God beholds the pretty one" Jessica Lanette, and she deserves more than a modicum of respect.

So let me tell you who I am so we won't have to go through any of this again.

Jessica is kind, loving, and empathetic and she believes that true family isn’t defined by genetics

Jessica is thoughtful and strong-willed and embraces elegance and charm as necessary skills

That show a level of respect for the entire human race.

Jessica speaks her mind, even if her thoughts are unkind, because she believes that everyone deserves the truth.

Lies only fill a beautiful life with unnecessary clutter and destroy a safety buffer we all need to survive. High stress and suicides are part of the proof.

Jessica embraces forgiveness without reconciliation because she knows not everyone deserves a place in our sacred spaces.

Lastly, you should know, that it’s Jessica’s spirit that makes her glow.

Not the golden highlighter she adds to her cheeks or the bold fashions that hug her physique.

Her smile always reaches her eyes because she is happy to be alive

You see that she is brilliant and admirably resilient because her unrelenting drive to strive for the best is what helps her survive.

That’s Jessica, not Jennifer, and if you get it wrong again, please be sure.

That any place you had in my life will become less secure.

I’ll kick you out and burn any bridge that connects us 

Until all I can see in my rearview is an image of the obscure.

You’ll start to see that being with me means that a lot of things will differ

From the days of mistaken identity and when I let you call me Jennifer.

Have you ever had someone call you by the wrong name? I’m sure we all have. We meet new people all the time and keeping up with names can be hard when you don’t know them very well. It can also be hard if your name sounds like another or is constantly mispronounced. We may be tempted to not even correct someone because it doesn’t seem to matter at the time. But what happens when we don’t correct someone calling us something else? What does that say about us? 

If we know we may not see that person again, we may shrug it off because we probably won’t remember their names either. But what about the people who will be around for a while? With that said, I’d like to follow this up by asking you another question. What do you allow people to call you? 

If you aren’t sure, take a minute. I’ll wait. You can pause the episode right now and think about it if you’d like. I’ll be here when you get back. But this question isn’t going away.

Do they call you Lazy because you won’t start that business you’ve been dreaming about?

Do they call you Crazy because you go to counseling and take mental health meds?

Do they call you Weak because you don’t stand up for yourself?

Really, Sis. What are you allowing people to call you? Think about it. And once you’ve got it, sit in it for a second.

When I first wrote this poem, I was emotionally exhausted. My then-husband and I had split a few months prior, and I was racking my brain, trying to figure out why I kept attracting men that were no good for me. I prayed about it and the answer I received was painful. I was the problem. 

It wasn’t just that there were some things about me that were attracting these types of men, which we will discuss in a later episode. But it was also that I was inviting problems into my life because there was a war within myself. At some point in my life, I’d convinced myself that in order to be loved intimately, I had to be who the man (my partner) wanted me to be. So I’d dedicate myself to these relationships that didn’t serve anyone but them, only to find myself distraught and broken because I never held on to my authentic identity. I allowed them to identify me!  And I owned it like proud parent. 

Realistically though, our spirits crave the genuine. And living as a thing that you are not slowly destroys the soul. Let’s put some Bible to it. In the beginning, (and I’m going to paraphrase this) God created Heaven, Earth, animals, etc, right? Then He created Man in His image. Now, I’m not a theologian but to me this says that from the beginning we were given an identity. From the day we were born, it was predestined that we would be who God created us to be. Here comes the problem. When we allow others to dictate who we should be, we are transforming into something man-made; not God made. 

By now, you may be wondering where I’m going with all this. Let me break it down some more. There is a line from the song, “A House is Not a Home” by Luther Vandross that says,” A chair is still a chair, even if there’s no one sitting there.” But what is a chair when you remove its legs, strip its upholstery, and put it in a wood chipper? It’s saw dust, girl. That’s what’s happening when we give someone else the power to say what we are and what we should be. Remnants of something that was meant to be beautiful and useful. 

That breaks my heart. Historically, our bodies and our cultures have already been ransacked. Our ancestors were stolen from their homelands to be enslaved. In which during that time they were sold, beaten, raped, and murdered. And we are still subject to the harsh realities of institutionalized racism in our modern lives. So how dare we give up one of the few things we have control over?

Look, I’m not judging. And I’m not sorry that I probably offended you a little. But we have to do better.

I know in my story, I talked about allowing a man to shape my identity. Maybe you can’t relate to that. 
But I bet you can relate to working in a job you hate because someone you love says it's what you’re supposed to be doing. So you binge eat to cope with the pain or you drink a little too much wine at night because you’re miserable that you have to go to work tomorrow? 
I bet you can relate to feeling pressured to get married and have kids because that’s what women do, right? So you settle in your early 30s for a man you don’t love just to hit those societal milestones?
I also bet you can relate to people wanting to take your Black Card because something you do or believe doesn’t seem Black enough. So you pretend you like things you don’t and you follow trends you loathe because it’s the Black thing to do? 

All these things shape our identity, Sis. And when we give in to something that is contrary to our natural self and our predestined path, we have sacrificed our truth. And that’s not okay.

So how do we stop putting our identities in the hands of others? Well, let’s explore it.

First- let’s define identity.

What is identity? Dictionary.com defines it in many ways. Ten to be exact. But for the sake of our topic today, I’ll read a few and link the full definition list in the description box. 

Identity is defined as

• the state or fact of remaining the same one or ones, as under varying aspects or conditions. The identity of the fingerprints on the gun with those on file provided evidence that he was the killer.
• the condition of being oneself or itself, and not another: He began to doubt his own identity.
• condition or character as to who a person or what a thing is; the qualities, beliefs, etc., that distinguish or identify a person or thing: a case of mistaken identity; a male gender identity; immigrants with strong ethnic identities.
• the state or fact of being the same one as described.
• the sense of self, providing sameness and continuity in personality over time and sometimes disturbed in mental illnesses, as schizophrenia.

Basically, it’s being the you that no one else could ever be or force you to be. At your core, your identity is solidified and established. And no matter what other people want from us or expect us to be, it doesn’t erase who we are.

Yet, that doesn’t stop us from changing or allowing others to change who we are. Earlier, we touched on some things that cause us to alter our identity. But what we have to realize is that when we hold on to those things that clash with who we are (like jobs, people, ideas), we are living fake. We walk around with these masks on thinking we’ve got the whole world fooled, when really, we are only lying to ourselves. 

Let me tell you something, Honey. Other people can see the things we try to cover up. They may misinterpret why we act the way we do when we are perpetrating our fraudulent activity, but they can still see it. 

Example: For much of my life, people thought I was a witch with a capital B. My behavior portrayed it and I owned that thing for a while. But it was never true. What I was, was afraid of rejection, afraid of sharing my thoughts, and afraid of being hurt or vulnerable in the eyes of others. So I kept people (those close to me and those not) at arms length by being rude and hurting feelings. I wanted people to fear me because I didn’t want them to know that I actually feared connection with them. 

My point- Allowing others to identify me as a sort of Wicked Witch of the West wasn’t only hurting them. It was hurting me. There are so many people who never got to see me for who I really am because I took on something that didn’t belong to me. And owning that identity put me in conflict with my spirit and it manifested itself in some very ugly ways. 

You don’t have to, nor should you, answer to the things people call you. When you do, you give them and that name power over you. It’s a power no one should have except you and God. 

But now that we understand how we give our identities away, along with our power. The question becomes, “How do we take it back?”

Work the process. I have a process for you that will help you reclaim your identity. 

1. First, you must self-assess. Take some time to analyze your life. What are some ways you’ve allowed others to alter your identity? Is your hair relaxed but you’re dying to go natural? Do you not want children but you keep pretending like you do to please others? Write down those things that stop you from being true to you.
2. Second, choose 1 of the things on your list that needs your immediate attention. This step is about prioritizing your growth so you can tackle the problem that’s affecting you the most.
3. Next, you will set boundaries. This is an essential but difficult step to take because it is the first one that requires you to address other people. At this point, you must make your intentions clear. You know what you want and who you were created to be. Now you must take action to make sure you hold firm to your truth.
4. Lastly, accountability. Find someone you trust to call you on your BS when you slip up because you will slip up. Let them know you need their help staying true to you so you can continue to be the person you were meant to be. Make your needs known and ask that person or people if they are able to serve in this role for you. It may sound strange to ask someone if they are capable. But sometimes the people we love are more messed up that we are, and we cannot realistically expect results if we are asking a drowning person to keep us from sinking. So choose wisely, my friend.

Before we end our time together, I want to take a moment to encourage you. I said a lot today and you might be feeling a little raw right now. But that’s okay. Fires clear forests so new things can grow. Remember, that’s what we are doing here. We are tackling the things that are keeping us from living in our truth so we can reach personal wholeness. And we deserve to live as the best version of ourselves. It is a gift to do so. 

So with that, my beautiful Sister, I pray you have a fantastic week. I’m going to leave some resources in the description box for you, just in case you need some extra encouragement during the week. Be well and we will talk again soon.