A Single Dad's Perspective: Challenges, Lessons, and Insights

Prepare to be moved by the extraordinary story of Gerald Traylor, a man who has been through the crucible of life and emerged stronger. A tale of love, loss, and fatherhood, Gerald's experience begins with a heartwarming childhood crush that blossomed into marriage. But the narrative takes a heartbreaking turn when Gerald loses his wife just three days after the birth of their child. Prepare to be inspired as we journey through Gerald's arduous transition to single fatherhood.

Being a single parent comes with its distinctive challenges, something Gerald knows all too well. He opens up about his journey as a single dad, discussing the struggles of dating with children, and the societal expectations thrust upon men and women when accepting a partner with children. This is no ordinary conversation; it's an in-depth exploration into the harsh realities of single parenthood and the unique dynamics it brings to the table. 

Tune in as we explore Gerald's progression from single fatherhood to remarriage, and its impact on his relationship with his children. Drawing parallels between the camaraderie of his athletic past and the dynamics of parenting, Gerald highlights the importance of a supportive village in raising children. This episode doesn’t just shed light on the trials of single parenthood, but it celebrates the crucial role fathers play in their children’s lives. Prepare for a powerful and enlightening conversation, packed with wisdom from a man who has weathered the storm and come out the other side with invaluable insights.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Hello and welcome to our podcast series, the Father Factor Podcast. I'm your host, byron Ricks, and joining me is my co-host and good friend, josh Wombrod. The objective is to give a voice to fathers who are not able to be with their kids, mothers who are raising kids without fathers, and children who, unfortunately, are growing up without fathers in their lives.

Speaker 2: 0:25

It take more than names to be a man oh yeah. It take more than sex to be a dad oh yeah. It take more than good to be the bad oh yeah, it take more. It take more, more, more, more, more.

Speaker 1: 0:45

Alrighty, hello everyone. I want to give a shout out to Jay Love, because it takes more, more, more. He's the author of our intro and exit intro and exit music, so give him a shout out to Jay. Okay, guys, girls, ladies, women, boys, everybody, today I am excited, I'm excited, excited, excited. I have a guest today. That is a gentleman I want to introduce to you.

Speaker 1: 1:20

I know many of you remember I talked about my father. I talked about his Saturday family not growing up with him. I talked about doing the DNA test with 23 and me finding the first cousin on my father's side, pamela. Pamela then reminded me my aunt died, my last living aunt on my mother's side. I'm just catching you guys up and I was a bit melancholy about that and Pamela said well, no, you have another aunt that's still living and she's in California and she is 94 years old at the time and I thought really, okay, well, I want to go see her. And then COVID hit and you know the rest of that story.

Speaker 1: 2:05

So this year in January my aunt Ann was 97 years old and I wanted to be there for her 97th birthday and, if you guys remember, brandon and I went out, we visited my aunt Ann, and we met her son, Gerald, and her daughter, patty, and they received us well. We met their kids and we just met other family members too. We went back in March and took Flora and a Kenyan my daughter, my wife and she met my family and my father's side, and so I've known them since, at least Gerald and Patty. Since January, pamela and I have been talking about three years, but I never met her physically. So Gerald and I hit it off January 1.

Speaker 1: 2:57

When he walked through the door I almost fainted because he looked just like my dad, except he's taller than my dad was. But I was like wow, this is my tribe when I was down there and they received me well. And today I'm honored to have my first cousin on my father's side, gerald Trailer, with us. He has such a rich story, guys, it makes your skin crawl and that when I say skin crawl, but it makes goosebumps come up on your arms when you hear his story. He's my hero and I haven't even known him but since January. But I feel like I've known him all my life and without further ado, wait, let me stop. I got so caught up in my own self right there I forgot to acknowledge my co-host, Josh. How you doing, man?

Speaker 3: 3:43

Oh man, you know it's a good day I apologize for that man.

Speaker 1: 3:48

I kind of got caught up there.

Speaker 3: 3:50

Oh no, it's gravy.

Speaker 1: 3:51

But then you went through this with me. So you know, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure, you know. So, gerald, how you doing cuz.

Speaker 4: 4:00

I'm doing good, Josh. Good to hear your voice. I like your style too.

Speaker 1: 4:05

Now we're burning up here in Dallas. How's it down in Pasadena?

Speaker 4: 4:11

It is. It is cooler. It's in the low 80s right now, but it's slowly building.

Speaker 1: 4:19

I know right, low. He said you know what he rubbed it in. He didn't say, oh, it's in the 80s, it's in the low 80s, well, it's in the high 100 and 9s. Oh snap, I know right, I know the only thing hotter than us right now is Hawaii.

Speaker 1: 4:39

That doesn't mean that to be a bad joke, but guys don't take that the wrong way. I mean, all the fires and the loss of life is horrible. So, gerald man, you know, I'm trying to see how I want to set this up with you, because Gerald has raised two sons. He is a father, he's a man's man and I remember, and I was telling you guys about Gerald and how he interacted with Brandon and how he interacted with my grandson in California and just called him out on some things as a man, and even though my grandson got angry earlier, he came back later and said no, grandpa, he was right, he was right, he just called me out. But, gerald, I am going to let you tell your story and then we'll chime in after that, because I just think it's such a rich story.

Speaker 4: 5:30

You want me to start?

Speaker 1: 5:31

I want you to start with, because we're talking about the father factor, so I want you to start with your marriage, you meeting this beautiful woman, and then what happened after the wedding, and that.

Speaker 4: 5:45

Okay, so I Know, I know my thin wife since, since I was in the fourth grade, but we were acquaintances, we were taught Littlely and then when I got back to high school, she was at the high school and she blossomed into a beautiful young lady and I had a crush on her and but everybody was after her. So you know I took the backseat. Then I was a senior Because I played athletics and did some things you know on the Dean's list and stuff and had a good rep. I Would walk her to the fifth period class and because we would walk every day or by thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend, which we weren't and it was prom season and nobody had asked her. So I'd asked her who she's going to prom with. She said nobody's asked.

Speaker 4: 6:40

I was shocked and, and long story short, she set me up and a little bit, you know, got me in front of a lot of students at the main Intersection of, walked into various classes and she asked me was I gonna ask you to prom or not? And so you know I had a little bit of anxiety and panic, so I asked her. We went to the prom and that was really cool and everything, and so fast forward. We got a, we got a high school, we go to college, you know, and Our paths cross again at our tenure reunion. And now, you know, being a professional Working in the financial industry as an accountant, in all I had gained a lot of weight, which was shocking for me because I played athletics all the way through college we're gonna talk about that a little bit too, because and and so she noticed I was bad.

Speaker 4: 7:47

And you know she, we gave the good goings over and she was looking as beautiful as ever. And, you know, I got no, I got no, no time of day, and so reunion came and went when I'm in my business. And then finally, you know, I kind of realized I was fat, and so A friend of mine asked me if I wanted to run some five case and I said you know what, I have to because I'm fat. And I have to admit that.

Speaker 2: 8:16

So I'm a joe and I am fat.

Speaker 4: 8:19

Yeah, and so I, you know, I finally Got it together. First of April, started my, my training and by Labor Day weekend I had dropped 60 pounds and I was now. I went from two, 46, 47, the 188, wow, and feeling, you know feeling pretty good. And then, you know, I maintain that weight and everything. And then Irene and I's paths crossed again and she took a double take. And then In the interim I had met a friend of mine. You know we did a Bible study together and you know he said hey, gerald, you know you have those hazel eyes, you know you are a date.

Speaker 4: 9:09

Irene because she has them hazel eyes, and I said, oh okay, well, you know, we all have our standards and everything and I just Wasn't gonna date women that you know have had a kid, that have a child. I knew she had a, she had a son and Then, well, while I was training and running In in the track that I ran, I came across sirens brother and he had observed how much weight I lost and he had seen me running because he would run as well, Just in one on big dude huh.

Speaker 4: 9:44

Yeah. So he said you know, you know, I've seen you, man, you lost some weight, you're in shape and everything. You know you are a date. My sister and I'm like, oh okay, that's nice. But I didn't tell him, I just just didn't, I just didn't date women with kids, you know. And then you know, all of a sudden, you know she's, she's very spiritual, you know, and I and I as well, and you know, I, I, I just maintain a program and just wasn't listening, you know. And and the Lord said you know, I got a plan and you know, you just ain't gonna be stupid enough to blow it.

Speaker 4: 10:21

And so Irene and her best friend, they went to visit her best friend's boyfriend. Well, he lived in my apartment building and they were visiting. And then he kind of told Irene, because he wanted some private time, you know, gerald is upstairs, you got to go visit him. So she came upstairs, knock on the door and I, I answered it and you know she goes. You know who this is behind these sunglasses and everything. I says yeah, I know, I, I'll know you anywhere. Then she said you lost a whole person. What happened? I go, I go, a whole person. And then she's, you know she said well, maybe you lost a half person, I go. You know, she was oh yeah, oh yeah.

Speaker 4: 11:05

And and her girlfriend came up and they were getting ready to leave. So she reaches over and sees a piece of paper and a pen and quick to write her name and phone number on the paper and hands it to me and says call me. You know, so I give you know. I, as most guys do, we're a little slow to act. So I called her a couple weeks later and she said yes, the next day I called her back and cancelled. So she thought I was a flake and you know she didn't do a place. But she was kind of upset because she had seen the improvement in me.

Speaker 4: 11:43

And so I got and what had happened was a Friend of mine, he passed away. I went to his funeral and he was out of state and so I went to the. I went to the funeral. So I got back and called her. She was like I don't know if I should go out with you because you kind of a flake. He called and you cancel. I said well, you know, I don't really know you that well, so there's no reason to take my personal business. But since you're Doing what you're doing and I've known you for a while I'm just gonna say I can't. So I had to go out of town, so I had to go to the funeral and she felt really bad and we went and we went out and we had a really nice time. And then she come later on, after the first date. She knew she was marrying me.

Speaker 4: 12:26

And so when I asked her, did she have a good time? She's got a great time, I says really, I go yeah. I says well, how do I know that? I said because a lot of women would tell you that a good time. When you call them, they you know they don't return phone calls. They, you know they ghost you and everything. I said so if you really had a good time, put your money away in your mouth is and you treat, and then she goes well, then she goes well. You know I don't treat men. I go wait a minute.

Speaker 4: 12:50

I said, well, how else will I know that you really mean that you had a great time? So I could call you back and never answer the phone and I'm stuck because I had a great time. And so I said and then I said, well, I think you think you're going to go to a fancy restaurant. I said. I said you know we could do delivery and taste it and be fine. And then she, she rethought it and she's okay, okay and so, and that's that's kind of how that went. And we dated about a year, little over a year, a year and a half somewhere in there, and then we got married. You know, had a really nice wedding.

Speaker 1: 13:29

You did, and let me in there for a minute you did a beautiful wedding. He sent the pictures because he's six feet. You were six feet. What? Who knew you six feet, six, six, six, six. Right on those, right on the nose, six feet.

Speaker 4: 13:47

Yes, okay.

Speaker 1: 13:48

Well see, I'm short, so you look like taller than me. But six feet guy, tall, beautiful wife was beautiful. I mean, pictures was beautiful, her dress was gorgeous, it was just a beautiful wedding. I just needed to in and say that, well, I wish this was TV. I popped those weddings, I popped those pictures up, anyway, and you got married.

Speaker 4: 14:14

You got married, you know, and we were fortunate. Now let me say one other thing now.

Speaker 1: 14:19

I'm just, she had she. You didn't want to date her because she had a son and you didn't date women with kids. I remember saying the same thing. Actually, you know, and now you're married, you love your married, and she has this kid and you now become an instant father, yes, yes. And this kid is how old at the time? 12. Okay, so you married and now you got a 12 year old son and you can pick it up from there.

Speaker 4: 14:55

In regards to him. His name was Greg. He is Greg, yes, yes, and he great kid. She did a marvelous job raising him he's respectful, had manners and everything is a met him and I just kind of said I'm going to deal with Greg, with the truth and and, and we will formulate a relationship around the truth.

Speaker 1: 15:21

Okay.

Speaker 4: 15:22

And so I met him. He's a big Michael Jordan fan. I'm a big magic fan, and he was telling me how great Jordan was.

Speaker 4: 15:31

And so I asked him well, how great are the players around Jordan? He goes, doesn't matter. I said so. How big are players around magic? Oh, they're great. I go, yeah, but magic helps them be great. Jordan just does this thing and and he's the best at it. But there was an old saying years ago that if you want to watch a championship, you'll be on Jordan's team. If you want to win a championship, you'll be on magic's team.

Speaker 1: 15:58

I beg to differ, but we won't go there right now. We won't go there right now, but we're going to go there. Okay, and I love magic too, by the way, I met him in person, but I'm just saying anyway well, you know, you grew up in Chicago.

Speaker 4: 16:14

I understand, okay, so, and, and you know, it rubbed Greg the wrong way, but as he watched the Lakers, he embraced them more and we had, from then on, we had good dialogue and I just didn't want to be a guy, that whose wife, son I'm going to be nice to because I married his mother. Right, I wanted to have a genuine relationship with him. Right, you want to actually be the surrogate father?

Speaker 1: 16:38

Yes, yes, yes and um, I'm not sure if I'm going to be a good father, but I'm going to be a good father, yes yes and um, that's, that is what happened.

Speaker 4: 16:52

And we, we are pretty close to this day, yes, and now, you know, he's, he's north of 40 years old and um, it's, it's just great. You know, we just deal with the truth. He knows me, I know him, and it's great. And then you know, um, when we were back, when I went, when I was married, my, my, my wife, my, I had a son and his name is Julian, and so he, he's about 15, 16 years younger than Greg, uh, but what makes it really cool is their brothers, and they get along, uh, and when we get together, we just have a fabulous time. Uh, he lives up north in Northern California and, um, it's just been, you know, it's been, it's to me. It's just great when you can just be around the truth and just be yourself. And then, as they grow up, you, you learn that they've grown, they've gone into manhood because my, my son, he's a man, my, my son's, he's, he's north of um, he's north of uh, 30.

Speaker 1: 18:13

25.

Speaker 4: 18:14

So it's just different.

Speaker 1: 18:16

Okay, so, but um, I want, I want something. This is I want to come out because you were married, you, you, you were a single man with no wife or kids, at 18 months later.

Speaker 4: 18:32

Yeah, so right, so, and so what um Byron's alluding to is the time that we were married. My wife passed away at childbirth, three days after childbirth and just a few days before Christmas, so it was a crushing time and, uh, so, put in perspective, in 18 months I went from single to a widow or two kids and and I had to grow up fast. And one thing you learn as a parent it's not about you, you gotta, you gotta give you gotta. You know this thing is you have to do. So you know I, my career was basically really limited and, fortunately for me and my DNA makeup, I try to have a good time in whatever I'm doing, you know.

Speaker 4: 19:28

So, as an example, when I would change my son's diapers, I'd have my oldest son get a stopwatch out and as we would change the diapers, he would time me like a rodeo when they wrote the calf and he would say pop you, you can do better, or okay, that's a personal best Right and and and that helped he and I too, involving him in a lot of things. And then, when he got to high school, I would go to games with him.

Speaker 1: 19:58

Right, and I don't want to. I want to, I want to, I want to go back a little bit. I'm sorry. I want to go back because no problem, because I want people to understand the impact of this. Here's a man who was a bachelor, a single man, and in 18 months he goes from that to a widow with two children. So he had no children. Now he has two children. I mean that in itself is devastating. And and how do you? I mean what, what, what? What are you feeling now? You've lost your wife, I mean a woman you've known all your life, went to grammar school with her and new and high school you know brand and tour and adult life and fell in love with her, married her in 18 months it's a short period of time, I mean you, you knew her longer than you were married to her, and now she's gone but she's left you this beautiful gift and then a beautiful two gifts, really, I mean, and, but yet you don't have her to enjoy those gifts with. That had to be devastating.

Speaker 4: 21:01

Oh, I was without, without, you know, hesitation. It was devastating and I remember saying that to my oldest son. You know, I'm just devastated and he just kind of looked at me and he just says talks, you know, life goes on. And that became our, our, our, our theme, Our theme life goes on. The sun said that I said my, my oldest, right right he's about 15.

Speaker 1: 21:28

You said so.

Speaker 2: 21:30

Yeah and he's in, he's not life goes on this.

Speaker 1: 21:32

I mean, that's wisdom, oh.

Speaker 4: 21:35

Yeah, and you know it was sobering for me as well. But you know, and and you know, without I'm not without fault like anybody else I had a pity party every now and then I had a snap out of it, you know.

Speaker 4: 21:51

But you know, the things that snap you out of it are the midnight feedings, changing the diapers, bathing, you know I did all that and it's funny because when I say that, women look at me and they go like, yeah, I'm bluffing and but you know you, some of the things you learn, like I learned how to get out of bed, keep the eyes shut.

Speaker 4: 22:12

Okay and you know, get his milk, get it ready, the right temperature, all Walk you keep in my eyes just so I could, because the the goal is to get back to sleep, right, wow, because you got to get up every two hours when they're infants. You know, I didn't know any of that and you had no help. You know, my church taught me how to change diapers, right, I had to go to, you know, infant class and toddler class, that kind of a thing, and that was just for me, it was a miracle, right, because growing up I never babysat at all right?

Speaker 4: 22:50

No, not at all and so, and then you know. So to grow out of it, I would say Every, you know everybody handles tragedy differently. And I always say uniquely, and, and there's times even now I'm not over it. But I got over the hump, probably After a year, maybe a year and a half Later, when I, when it kind of settles in that she's absolutely gone, right, you know, versus you think you're gonna wake up from a Bad dream and there she is gonna be there.

Speaker 1: 23:30

You know I'm my co-host, josh, and he's like my second son. You met Brandon, but you have to meet Josh, and Josh also Spent some time as a single dad Raising his daughter.

Speaker 4: 23:44

Now he's married with the son and he's raising the two kids, but I'm sure he can relate to being a single dad raising, raising a kid and you had a Teenager and a baby right, right, and I just made sure that we would do things together and also would give him his space when he wanted to hang out with his crew and the crew would come over spend the night. And you know, and I you know, going through all that, you, you learn it takes a village to raise kids right, and his friends and their parents were great. Eventually, when I got involved with daycare, my daycare was absolutely phenomenal and it was so phenomenal when, when the kids in that age group, when they reached 18 years of age, they had a reunion for all the daycare and a lot of the kids remember each other. That was unbelievable.

Speaker 1: 24:51

It was now I know, gerald, that you lost your dad when you were about 10 years old, right, and so you, you grew up without a father, really I mean for the most part of your life. And so now I want to juxtapose that between you growing up without a father and now you are a father Without a wife, raising these kids. How did you know how to be a father me what? Because you, I mean you, didn't have one, I mean 10 years old, may, and did you learn enough in that 10 years to Carry you over in that time that you need it? How do you know?

Speaker 4: 25:35

I think you're right, I didn't know, but I, I, I believe people are resilient and I started asking friends of mine that word dad's I started asking them questions. Okay, you know, and a lot of times that you do the best you can, you know, you know, but my mother did a fabulous job Raising me and my sister, because we were a year apart. I have a brother, but he was nine, ten years older, so he was already out of the house, in college and out of college and whatnot. So for me I just kind of it's kind of it's kind of interesting that I'm gonna say it, but I just kind of use the truth and have a relationship. And they were times when, you know, we all have our Dictatorship moments, but for the most part, with my oldest especially, I thought his mom did a fabulous job and I just didn't want to ruin what she did and I respected what she did in the three-point.

Speaker 4: 26:41

I got to observe her parenting her, her, her son at the time and. But I knew, being a parent, especially a single parent, you gotta have a good foundation and and you also have to have in the back of your mind that you got to raise your kids. So when it's their turn to get married, they're. They have a good starting place. You know they're mature. You know they're mature, they're responsible, they're accountable. So, when it's time for them to get married and carry on the family legacy, they understand it and they know what it means to be an adult and be responsible, accountable.

Speaker 1: 27:27

Right. So, josh, you've been off a quiet over there.

Speaker 3: 27:31

Oh yeah, you know, I'm letting them talk share a story, and it's a rich story.

Speaker 1: 27:36

You know a man loses his wife and raises his two kids by himself. Women get cheered and applauded for that every day, Every day.

Speaker 3: 27:50

I struggled with it when I did it. You struggled with what? Well, women. You know I was a man still interested in women, even though I was a single father. But we said I've seen that men are more accepting women's children than women are accepting a man's children, especially when it comes to a single. Wait wait, wait, wait, wait say that again. So I found that men tend to be more accepting of women's children that they've had previously.

Speaker 1: 28:17

Right.

Speaker 3: 28:18

Then a woman is a man's children. Wow, at least in my younger time, right. All right they find out that they, oh you, you, oh you were single dad, full time, not just a weekend dad. Oh, I'm not looking.

Speaker 1: 28:33

What do you think about that statement, Joe?

Speaker 4: 28:38

I tend to believe that I think, especially three or four years after my wife passed away. If I dated any female, the first thing out of her mouth was you're looking for a wife.

Speaker 2: 28:51

And I really wasn't.

Speaker 3: 28:53

I didn't think you were making for a mother for your kids. Yep, you're looking for a month.

Speaker 4: 28:57

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so it was a negative. Dating was negative to me for oh a good five, six, seven years, because that's what they would, and I believe what Josh said is right.

Speaker 1: 29:14

You know, women are definitely that's hard for me to believe. I'm listening to, I'm just an all right now, you know, because I will? Yeah, because women are the nurturers.

Speaker 3: 29:26

Well, they'll say that they are and they'll say that but they're good at they nurture what they are drawn to and love and if they've not met the child, they're meeting you and they know of this mystery child. That comes a lot of responsibility and time that it's hard to they've. I've found it's hard because I need a female right here now. I would love that.

Speaker 1: 29:48

I need a female to weigh in on this, if you listen to this please weigh in on if women are less likely to receive a man's children than vice versa. So hit me up. Info at Byron, info at the father factor podcast dot com, my Instagram or my Facebook page. Ladies, hit me up on this one. I want to hear what you have to say. Okay, go for it. Yeah.

Speaker 3: 30:16

I want to. I want to hear what they have to say too, because I know my experience. They also. It's not a big deal. It's not a big deal that you have a kid, until they realize that it was a full time, like I was mom and dad, right, Right, I have full time, that's.

Speaker 1: 30:30

That's when the when I noticed it was a so initially they thought you just had a kid with someone and right and in that mom of that kid was involved and so they would just have to be involved with you.

Speaker 3: 30:41

Maybe see the kids sometime and mind you what you just said once they learned that, no, this is my kid all the time, and if we get together, it's going to be your kid all the time too, right, right, because, and what's crazy is that they're more willing to put up with the baby mama drama than they are the full time dad.

Speaker 1: 31:02

Do you know what you're saying?

Speaker 3: 31:04

I know exactly what I'm saying. It sounds crazy it does. It's, it's, it's the commitment I think there's. There's an automatic. You walk into a relationship or a discussion or a date knowing that there's this guy's going to want some sort of commitment from me and that's what the the assumption is Right, wow, so they get to know each other stage. It's pretty much cut short when oh you, full time dad, hmm, okay, well, this has been good, good.

Speaker 1: 31:36

Gerald, Gerald, Gerald. So that's why you haven't gotten married, Gerald.

Speaker 4: 31:41

Yeah, I got married. I got. I re married some years later Okay, approximately approximately 10 years after my wife passed away.

Speaker 1: 31:52

Okay, 10 years.

Speaker 4: 31:53

And which?

Speaker 2: 31:53

means your kids are older now though, Right.

Speaker 4: 31:56

Yes, yes, yes, and and and. To that extent, I think what Josh was is was saying is in general, because obviously there is a sentence to all the rules, but don't forget, you know, when women get married, they want to be the queen of the house.

Speaker 1: 32:14

Right.

Speaker 4: 32:15

So with that comes a little bit of selfishness. And they want the attention that the queen gets Right.

Speaker 1: 32:21

Right.

Speaker 4: 32:22

Right, okay, okay. So when they, when they come to the other one, yeah. So when they, when they come into a household with you know a man and his children, they have taken a backseat Right.

Speaker 1: 32:35

Yeah, I want to do that.

Speaker 4: 32:37

And right and women, because of the how they look forward to them being married, being the queen, creating the household, having children and everything like that. That's a damper on that drain.

Speaker 1: 32:52

Okay, but then and go ahead. I'm sorry.

Speaker 4: 32:56

And so when you're, you know when you, when you should squash a dream, everybody's going to hesitate.

Speaker 1: 33:06

Scroll.

Speaker 3: 33:06

goodness, I mean anything about the bonding aspect?

Speaker 3: 33:09

right yeah, man we didn't carry a child for nine months the way that a mother might have. So we bond with children differently than the mother does. So I know my wife said, even though her and Jelena were cool, it was still a took time. She said she became. She became more aware and really cringed on herself before she had Jordan Because when she had Jordan it was a deeper understanding of the love of that child and so she's, I'm learning something today, gentlemen, you, I'm being educated today, gentlemen.

Speaker 3: 33:45

Yeah, she says she'll tell you she cringe on kind of her dealing with Jelena and some of the jealousy that was there at times and the I mean the child's going to compete for the dad too.

Speaker 2: 33:55

Don't you think?

Speaker 3: 33:55

the kid is not just some, you know, peaceful, you know it's a kid Okay.

Speaker 1: 33:59

But the other way around. I know one of the reasons my mother said she never got married again was because she wasn't going to have a man over me that didn't treat me like his own, that treated me indifferent, and she just wasn't going to stand for that. Women expect men to come in to the relationship and and be a, and be a man and be a man in the household, but they oftentimes don't want him to be the father over the kid. No, I can. What do you think about that?

Speaker 3: 34:36

I can tell you that I'll protect who it is, but I'll just say that I know somebody now who refuses to allow their husband to have any say in the upbringing of their son because it's not his kid.

Speaker 1: 34:51

Right. But, but he can buy clothes for that kid, he can he can feed that kid.

Speaker 3: 34:55

He has all the responsibilities for that kid.

Speaker 1: 34:57

Yeah, but none of the authority Exactly, exactly, wow, okay, okay. So, gerald, we have, we have about 10 minutes before we wrap this up. Tell us I mean you know we're going to have to have you back, man, because this we haven't even scratched the surface with what you've done with your life. I mean, both your kids adults, they're doing great as a single dad. Yeah, okay, you got married again, but your kids were practically grown when you got married again, so she didn't have the impact on them. You know that you would have expected. So she wasn't the cause of of you guys not being together. And I'm not asking why you wasn't, that's, that's between you and her. But I am saying I do know that you were an athlete, you played baseball and you were a very good baseball player and you didn't get drafted. And I remember those times that time in America when the Major League Baseball had stopped drafting African Americans and they had began to draft Dominican Republicans that we were talking about that, that that era. Am I missing it?

Speaker 4: 36:14

No, that's true, that's true. I had a solid college career. I was fortunate enough to walk on and one at that time, in the late 70s, early 80s, one of the three best baseball programs in America and I played for the most winningest college baseball coach. I think somebody surpassed him, but when we played he was, he was the man. And it took you know I heard you think it a herculean effort to go from walk on on the bench to starting.

Speaker 4: 36:51

By the time you know your senior year rolls around and and you, you get good and you now know what it means to be good. And then and then you really learn. The one ethic is the harder you work, the smarter you work, the more successful you're going to be. And I, like I said, I was fortunate enough. My first year at playing for the Titans of Cal State, fullerton, we won the national championship. And then the next two years we lost in the NCAA playoffs, but we didn't know at the time. That was three of the three, the first three years of a 30 year run, every year planned in the playoffs. And it develops in you a standard of quality and a standard of work ethic and a standard of excellence, and I I'd choose to believe that. That's what was instilled in me after college, the rest of my life, and it really helped me to understand, from a man's perspective, resiliency and Perseverance and determination.

Speaker 1: 38:05

So we talked earlier about team teamwork and teaming in that a relationship, a marriage if we look at it as a team, and all the activities that it takes to make it fruitful and and flourish is Be coming in looking at it as a team. So Cal State, fullerton and your baseball team, tell us about the team camaraderie.

Speaker 4: 38:35

Unbelievable. To this day, when we have a reunion, or just every now and then, all the guys will text each other. We've had reunions 20 year reunion, a 30 year reunion, a couple years back had the 40 year reunion. Everybody's lost hair and everything, but everybody remembers the energy, the talent that everybody had and we were. It is. It sounds cliche, we were, we were tight team. We really were, we would. We would go out to take, we would go out together, hang out, and when it got time to do business, we all did business. It really helps to have a coach that demanded excellence and and you deliver. Wow, that is a great, that is a great feeling. And back to your point about teamwork you do have a teamwork right.

Speaker 4: 39:33

I mean I had I when they were young, having two, two sons. They were a team on my team you know, you know, my mother would chime in with bits of wisdom and and advice, counsel, sister would chime in.

Speaker 4: 39:56

Okay, and then my best friend and his wife would chime in the parents of my daycare and that there's a village that you was talking, speaking of earlier, as your village right, that was my village and you learn that if you have places to go for questions and you can get answers that are common sense or that makes sense, it really is A peacemaker for you, right? Okay, and you limit the drama. And beginning back to what Josh said across with my mind Fathers, they don't want to be a handicap to their kids when their kids leave the house and get married. Generally speaking, the fathers prepared their kids For that. Generally speaking, single mothers, they're less so, because they want to get back at the father or they want to do other things.

Speaker 4: 41:03

And, yeah, this is puts me in hot water but they're less likely, generally speaking, to Prepare their kids for when they come out of high school and college and get ready for life and marriage. Yeah, because they're either trying to get back at their ex or they're they're angry at them and they get and they poison their ex through the children and that kind of a thing. And that's what I've witnessed Generally, with other fathers Preparing their kids the right way and making sure that they meet other kids and they get involved, and I know that women do too, but men are less likely to do those. I don't know if you call them attitudes or Well, again, they're not only nurturing, they're nurturing and they want to keep them in the nest.

Speaker 1: 41:57

You know Dion Sanders comes to mind. He's got in a lot of trouble for this. When he talked about his recruiting and how he recruited, he he for single moms Raising kids. He recruited them and I'm not going to go through this whole thing because we don't have a lot of time, because we don't have a lot of time but he could tell the single mom kids from the ones who had parents and dads and moms and dads together and he recruited Based on that and then recently he said that today's kids are soft.

Speaker 1: 42:30

He said they're soft, especially those that are raised by their single parents. Single moms are soft and he got in trouble for that and he repeated it again. And he repeated it again. She said it's the truth. You know, they, single moms, they they raised their kids overall a little differently, especially their boys. Now a single mom may be harder on their daughters than they are their sons. Now we don't have time to unwrap that.

Speaker 1: 42:57

I know I'm gonna catch flak for that, but I've seen it in my own family where single moms have been tougher on their daughters because they, being females, know what they've had to go through, want to prepare them To be strong and all that. But I don't. It doesn't seem to translate not not all of them. Not all of them, like you said, generally speaking, but when I do see those, those boys that there that are Doesn't demonstrate the skills that you think they should. As a man. They typically were raised by single mom or even if they was raised by, the dad was in the house. He was a, a inactive dad, not connected dad.

Speaker 4: 43:47

Oh, I think you're just spot-on also To what you. You just said to I I'm a witness to my mother was a little tougher on my sister, okay, oh, yeah, that's right about that, and and and. So you know, in that interaction she would, and then she was. For me it was like this is what you're gonna do. You know, whatever I say, take, take it like water for ducks back and just get it done.

Speaker 1: 44:16

Go and remember this, do what you have to do before you can do what you want to do, okay, well, cuz I'm glad you came. With us. Join us today. I'm looking at that search that half moon Bay Half moon Bay.

Speaker 4: 44:30

Yes, it is, yes, it is.

Speaker 1: 44:32

Are you played there? No, no, you could have said yes, I would have known the difference, right. But you believe in truth. Say what you believe in truth.

Speaker 4: 44:44

Oh yeah, oh yeah, but I've been the half moon because beautiful because you know, if, if, like, like what we're saying on the top, as we've discussed today, if stuff is truthful, nobody says anything, right? But when you get a lot of flashback, right, that's because they don't want the truth to come out exactly, okay, right. So, like we're saying, like did what Dion was saying.

Speaker 4: 45:10

Dion came from a single family too, he knows exactly and and don't forget, is sad to say, but 70% of all black males Come from a single female house. Wow. So if the stat is that high and I and it could be a little higher, then there's truth to it, because then, because the pushback wouldn't be there.

Speaker 1: 45:36

Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there because we are running out of time, but I you got a promise to come back. I Promise. How is Aunt Ann doing?

Speaker 4: 45:46

She's doing. She's doing well good, you know, she's, she's, she's. She has her good days or bad days, but she's she's doing well. You know she has a little dementia right, but for 97 Wow.

Speaker 1: 46:00

I want to tell you that that nothing this year, and even in the last maybe 10 years, top me meeting your mom, my aunt, for the first time, and I get shook up about it. So I'm not, I'm not gonna go too far and I still want to thank you and Patty and your family For how you receive me and how you receive my family and and it was, it's just, it was wonderful. I can't, I don't have words and I look forward to to many more years. Whatever I have left on this earth, I look forward to us being able to whine and dine and interact with each other until God calls us home.

Speaker 4: 46:45

You know, you know okay and and and it was a God send when you walk through the door and I and I could see your dad through you and I and I was like, yeah, that's him.

Speaker 1: 46:59

That's Uncle Julius this time. Okay, thank you, you have been listening to the father factor. My guest today has been my first cousin.

Speaker 3: 47:15

And your father's side, on my father's side.

Speaker 1: 47:17

His name just went out of my mind Gerald Drake. I don't know. You know what that's old age? Right there, that's a. We're gonna cut some of that right.

Speaker 1: 47:27

Yeah, okay we've been listening to the father factor. My guest today has been my newly found first cousin, gerald trailer, and His story two kids he's raised 18 months from 18 months. He went from a single man to a widow with two kids, and he did a fine job. I wish I had a clap. Let's give him a round of applause. Alrighty, then, until next time. Remember, fathers, all your kids are equally yours. Peace, hey, thank you. This is Byron the father factor podcast. Thank you for listening. If you'd like what you heard, subscribe and share and tell us your thoughts. We'd like to hear from you. Perhaps you can be on our show. And to the fathers out there Remember, all your children are equally yours.

Speaker 2: 48:26

It take more than names to be a man oh yeah. It take more than sex to be a dad oh yeah. It take more than good to be the bad oh yeah, it take more. It take more, more, more, more, more.