Ghost in sppppaaaaaaaaccccce
A Bogeys and Ghoulies Season 4 Special!
BY ©️SARAAAAAAH GOLDING
wiTH Fiona Thraille and Robert Cudmore
Music by John Bartmann
===============
SARAH
‘Wwwwhhhooooooomb’ said the happy fun-filled ghost in spaaaace as its own inside joke from inside itself (cos it could do that, it had found) to a passing comet.
FIONA AND ROBERT
‘Whoossshhhh’
SARAH
went the comet as it passed by very very quickly, determinedly, focused forward like someone trying to avoid someone holding out a leaflet on foot at a shopping centre but whizzing by even quicker than that, like times 20,000 and coldly, and with no aim, no thought, no needs but to push on
Cos like
Comets don’t speak let alone understand English ghost humour in space
GHOST INNN SPAAAAACE
‘Oh for a muse of...something. Anything! Whooooooo.’
SARAH
Ghost in space flew and danced and backstroked and boogalooed and wriggled across time and space, not remembering where they’d come from, or what they were really doing, or why they were doing it. They did however remember that they had some memory. Grass. Sky. Shoes. Smells. Smelly shoes. They didn’t sleep …not now…but were they woke? Who knows. If you saw them....what would they look like? Hmm? If you want you can draw them in the air …or on your own paper as you listen! Or on the car window in your own outward breath. Listen and create! Have fun!
‘Ah. A planet!’ Shouted the ghost in space excitedly whilst doing the backstroke through…nothing… and feeling mischievous. ‘A bluesy greenery brownsy whispy white planet. And a moooonnn. And a ...a...(gasp) a spaceship. A cool bluey green metally whitey fun looking space ship! Oh hurray some friends to play with. At last!’
Ghost in spaaaace whistled an unknown tune in a ghosty whistley way, and put its most concentrated and sinister of facial expressions on, hurtling determinedly towards the quite far away but steadily approaching space ship, heart set on causing mischief and getting there to ‘meet’ people as fast as they could.
‘Whhhoooooooooo’ they said. It took a little while so was a very long whoooooo....I mean, if they had had vocal chords, they would be ripped to shreds to be honest, as they were a good 30,000 miles away from the rotating space ship, and that’s a long way to whooo (Because of the complication of maths of time and being in existence as a ghost for a long long time, Ghost in space had a great viewpoint of the known universe and amazing eyesight honed over many many many many years of ghostificating). (No ghostificating is not a real word but..it could be.)
Ghost in spaaace flew on through coloured gases shaped like unicorns and buses and wibbly wobbly weird shapes with no name, and past busy moving probes on missions or lost, and crackling radiation jettisoning sun spots, and populated asteroid belts and stray space junk with and without blinking lights, to finally float smoothly, gently, waving in a friendly manner outside the tiny viewing windows of the Solaris 7. The Solaris 7 was A sturdy single rotating rocket ship permanently bound for the moon. 2 occupants. One mission and No idea there was a ghost haunting it.
Ghost In spaaaace could see with its ghostly eyes two occupants. It held up its ghostly hands to its ghostly eyes pretending the binoculars. It remembered using binoculars. And on viewing was very excited to see two people inside the Solaris 7…But…something did not seem right. Something did not seem right at all.
******
Inside space ship Solaris 7 was …chaotic. To say the least. There was classical music bursting through all the rooms on the ship…a sinister edge to it making the Ghost in spaaaace a little uneasy. And so their wave slowed down a little. The mission of the Solaris 7 had been for Astronaut Dave and a dedicated specialist permanent moon abode crew, to pioneer the first permanent mission to the moon. No going back. Moon or nothing.
Yet on the initiation of takeoff, the other six valuable members of the crew had been forced out of the flight deck, down the lifts over the hills and far away by none other than master criminal Doreen Devillo. Marched away on cyber boots given co-ordinates to…March over the hills and far away. Which was. Rather a very long way indeed. All programmed by the mysterious mischievous maniac Doreen Devillo.
Who is Doreen Devillo? Great question. So…Let’s hear this clip from a holomentary…that’s a holographic documentary aired on all satellite networks one cold Christmas Eve in 2142.
FIONA
(Usable Xmas music behind section)
‘Hello yes my name is Doreen Devillo. Yes it is true, I am a member of one of the richest crime families on this earth. Look on my face and weep that you are not mighty me. Survey and humbly bow to the power in my hind legs, my biceps and …my eyebrows. Yes I can open car doors with my eyebrows. You may ask how. That is a question you may ask. Well. Ask it then…
SARAH (Dude)
Uh..How do you like….open car doors with your…
DOREEN
(Impatient sigh) In 2092 -the year I was born - my family pioneered Cyborg Nano technology, harnessing power from kinetic energy. Kinetic meaning if you didn’t know, and in this instance, the more you move, the more power or energy you gain. I am movement fuelled entirely by how much I actually move, plus use of one secret family ingredient, of which I am not at Liberty to divulge. To put it bluntly, what I want, I get, I am a leader, I’m all about the power, and I will reign supreme.’
SARAH
She then emitted ten foot green and red flames from her pinky fingers with a maniacal banshee inhuman scream, then took the mic and bonked the interviewer over the head with it, stole the microphone, and the interviewers sandwich and ran away shouting
DOREEN
‘you can’t catch me I’m a Cyborg hee hee’.
SARAH
Doreen was, it had to be said, Devillo by name and A devil by nature.
She was also a rather clumsy member of the Devillo family, always falling or tripping or bonking into things, as well as being slightly unlucky too in the …wrong place right time scenario. Her self driving car had been hit by a falling tree in the flying tree storm of 2131,
DOREEN
Ow my legs
SARAH
Her treehouse home had been hit by a flying car in the electromagnetic reversal of 2142
DOREEN
OW MY ARMS
SARAH
and she herself on holiday in a flying treehouse skymansion had plummeted the 20,000 feet to the earth and yet somehow survived in the human uprising against HYBRID cyborgs sky revolution of 2144.
DOREEN
MY BRAIN HURTS
SARAH
As a consequence of all of these accidents, she was mostly made of her own family’s cyber nano tech and hardly human at all.
COMPUTER
YOU ARE 12% Human
SARAH
She became self appointed leader (well, she had the money to hire the rooms and make the T-shirts…everyone loves a tshirt) self appointed leader to A cyborg new generation of earth dwellers….half human, half cyborg hybrids, with connectible internet Wi-Fi capability…and inbuilt coffee maker…..most adults do love a coffee….and yet alongside all that came an unstoppable angry jealous grudge against any human progress led ferociously from the front by Doreen Devillo.
For this new breed It was hybrid or not worth a thing in their continuing focusing in out in out wide shot closeup stare to the distance eyes. And right now, right this minute, Doreen Devillo, criminal mastermind, Space ship stealer, notorious tier-upper… was looking out of the Solaris 7’s round window with her one red functioning multi focusable in out in out shake it all about cyborg eye at a strange ghost in spaaaace waving smiley-like apparition, whilst efficiently tying up Astronaut Dave to his flight deck chair with her left super speedy Cyborg arm with some Devillo brand gaffernano tape.
DOREEN
There’s a. A uh. Ooh. Sorry to interrupt my tying you to the chair with gaffernano tape Astronaut Dave.
DAVE
That’s ok…you can set me free if you like.
DOREEN
Uhm. No. Can you see that Dave? Can you see that …there…through the round window there with your measly pathetic little one-point-at-a-time focused human eyes Dave, can you? Hmm?
DAVE
Don’t hurt me Doreen. I bruise easily. I…I ..no…I don’t see …anything. You’ve covered one of my eyes with the gaffer tape and I kind of don’t want to open the other one so….
DOREEN
Ha. Hmm. Well. I can remove that quickly enough!
DAVE
My eye?
DOREEN
The tape! For now….
SFX RIPS OFF TAPE AND DAVE EXUDES PAIN
DAVE
ARGH. You’re ….not very nice!
DOREEN
Correct! It is on my c.v under employment. 2132 to do pthe actual current right now Present ‘not very nice’. Ha! Can you see it now Dave? There. Through…the round window? It’s something very curious but hyper exciting Astronaut Dave. Can you see it can you can you can you? Hmm? Yep. Just there look Dave look. Look look look.
@@@@@@@@
DAVE
I..don’t….see…anything.
DOREEN
It’s a ghost Dave. It’s a real honest to goodness floating g-g-g-ghost and Ohhhh…
DAVE
I don’t believe in….
DOREEN
Shush Dave. Shush. I was soliloquising. Bad Dave. Naughty Dave. Just speak when I tell you to. Or…point at you. Hmmm…..Well how deliciously exciting. A ghost. Do you know Dave…that thing out there that you don’t believe in, but I can see as clearly as the light reflecting off the moon….That beautiful little waving mass of ghost is all the kinetic energy I’d need to power this cybernetic body for a ….for a millennia! Yes! Charge my nanos up large for most of your eternity Dave. Ha! I want it. I want it and … It..will. Be. MINE! (gentle evil laugh).
SARAH
Devillo stopped laughing abruptly, which means very very very quickly…much quicker than it’s taken me to say this sentence, and cyber strode closer to the window and smiled. It wasn’t a very nice smile either. Her cyber black and shiny red teeth glinted in the space ship ambient lighting and small bright blue nano bugs crawled across and around them making sure everything was at optimum temperature, capacity and function. Bless them. What a life. Doreen Devillo sneered the following words behind the most scary smile ever formed.
DOREEN
Come here little tiny waving dancing hapless ghost. I would reallly reallly reallly reallly reallly reallly reallly reallly reallly reallly reallly reallly reallly reallly reallly LOVE to meet you.
DAVE
REALLY.
DOREEN
Shush Dave or I will nanotape your mouth. Never interrupt me really-ing.
DAVE
I can’t help myself.
DOREEN
Really?
DAVE
I (Stops himself )
DOREEN
(Pause) Good. You pay attention. You may..speak.
DAVE
I’m…I…I can’t …I don’t understand. Doreen …why are you doing this? Why did you let the crew go? They were really really really really
DOREEN
Get on with it
DAVE
Important. I’m just the pilot. I can’t do anything else I just…fly…take off, wee, eat, look out the window, marvel at our human endeavours…
DOREEN
Pah. Humans are weak.
DAVE
…I…am not weak…I…problem solve, dock..land. But…It’s all I can do. I don’t even know How to work the coffee machine. I can just… fly us from here to …there.
DOREEN
You mean that pithy planet to …the moon?
DAVE
Yes. Only the moon, it’s all I know how to do. Well, I haven’t actually DONE it yet, but…I’ve practiced every day forever it seems. I couldn’t drive you fly you walk you or run from anywhere to anywhere else. I’ve just spent the last fifteen years since my selection practicing the moon run. Everyday. All day. Even know how to touch down just using my mouth on the controls and other unusual body parts combinations. Most scenarios, troubleshooted and played through.
DOREEN
Apart from this one
DAVE
Apart from this one.
DOREEN
Must have been a bit…boring…just…doing …that….for 15 years….
DAVE
I had purpose. Us humans love purpose.
DOREEN
Pah. Weak humans.
DAVE
I knew what I was going to do and how I was going to do it. How many people could say that? Purpose is…is life!
DOREEN
Ha! Is it? People are weak. Purpose is useless. Kill the lot of them and Cyborg them all I say. A power up. Upgrade. When we get back to earth I’ll…
DAVE
Back? BACK?! Oh nononono…No, there’s No fuel for coming back Devillo. It’s a one way trip. I had it all worked out for this one way trip. I was just going to…retire on the moon. Moontire. Sit back, relax and enjoy the view of the earth from afar. Be a pioneer. Read all there is to read watch all there is to watch, listen to audio fiction…The first permanent moon residents….
DOREEN
Moosidents? Moonidents? Moonies?
DAVE
Maybe. After dark. But. Listen. Doreen. I’m worried. I…I don’t know how to harvest the foods, or put up the living quarters, or reboot the WiFi on the moon.
DOREEN
Core tasks…
DAVE
Mm. What do you think you’ll achieve with taking this ship on this one way trip? How are we going to survive once we’re there? Where will we live, where? Huh? You Devil.
DOREEN
Devillo my dear …you rhyming Moonster.
SARAH
Doreen shut the round window blind and slowly walked back to Dave, the one cyber leg whirring and clicking with every step. She stopped in front of Astronaut Dave in the chair, ran one black shiny red nailed cyber finger along the top of His head, down the side of his face and under his chin and lifted his face close to hers. AstroDave flinched at the close uo site of the working nano bots cleaning and buzzing round her mouth.
DOREEN
This. My dear boy. Is a Devillo family take over. We will claim the moon as our domain, and control whatever and whosoever lands there, visits, builds, or lives there from now and forever more
DAVE
Quoth ye
DOREEN
Did I? And you, little puny human will do exactly as you are told.
GHOST IN SPAAAACE
Hello sorry to interrupt but I…
DOREEN
Oh. Hello. You see it now Astro Dave? Dave? Oh for goodness sakes.
GHOST IN SPAAAACE
Has he ….fffffainted or is he sssssleepy?
DOREEN
A little of both my see through friend. Well well well.
GHOST IN SPAAAACE
Three holes in the ground…
DOREEN
Oh. Was that a pun…?
GHOST IN SPAAAACE
No. It’s just the way I’m floating. So excited to meet you. I was listening outside. You seem like fun. But you shut the blind so…I thought I’d pop in here. So. Let’s play….hide and seek! Shut your eyes! Count to 10. Bye!
SARAH
And with a whoosh Ghost in spaaace whizzed through a few space rocket walls, up and out of the spinning Solaris 7m circled it three times in excitement, blew a raspberry at planet earth, and whizzed back in to the ship again, finding themselves in the most curious bunk room indeed.
GHOST IN SPAAAACE
Oohhhh. This is the most curious bunk room indeed.
SARAH
The metallic blue walls and purple riveted ceilings were covered with documents nail gunned to the walls, and black light illuminated the writing and many a strange calculation. There were newspaper articles of interest. Ghost in spaaace got closer to read them.
GHOST IN SPAAAACE
GHosts found in abandoned warehouse. Devillo corp buys warehouses. Ghosts vanish. Hmmm. What’s this one. Ghost power conversion. Make your cybernetics thrum with Devillo brand ghost powered ectoplasm. Woah.
SARAHz%-
The door to the quarters buzzed. Ghost in spaaace whizzed to hide against a large poster of a ghost with a red line through it. Doreen e entered the room.
DOREEN
Where is it where is it? Aha!
SARAH
Doreen picked up a strange box like machine and f,piped a switch. Two round green orbs started to spin out of the side of it and a whole console of different colured lights lit up the top. It started to blip. And the blips got faster, and faster,
DOREEN
Stupid thing.
SARAH
Doreen hit the machine a few times with her human hand but the blips just got faster and faster. Doreen tutted, and went over to the desk covered in papers. From where they were floating in front of the poster, Ghost in spaaace could see a small rectangular certificate get dislodged from the top of the pile as Doreen hunted for something. They could just about make out the wording on the certificate in spiky silver letters, and it took all their strength not to make a sound of shock and worry. The words on the certificate read ‘Doreen Devillo. Ghost Hunter’.
Suddenly a huge alarm sound flooded the room.
COMPUTER VOICE
Proximity alarm. Proximity alarm. Proximity alarm.
DOREEN
Dashit. Computer. What is…in…proximity ?
COMPUTER VOICE
The whole of the moon
DOREEN
Dashit. Computer. Initiate Landing protocol.
COMPUTER VOICE
There is no landing protocol. Only Dave.
DOREEN
Dashit. Computer. Dave…status.
COMPUTER VOICE
Dave. Unconscious.
DOREEN
Dashit. Computer. Wake. Dave.
COMPUTER VOICE
1 minute to impact.
DOREEN
ONE? Dashit, I don’t have time to suit up…could I survive in space? Hmm. I’m..mostly cyber. Should be…ok. I ?..guess.
SARAH
The whole internal ship was flashing red. The alarm was pinging. The ship was heaving and hurtling and holding the driven destination path it had been told to hold. Ghost in spaaaace watched Doreen exit the room and slid up the wall and up to the ceiling and out, following her from a safe distance. The machine she was holding still pinging vibrantly. She went straight to the rear airlock. Put on one helmet, with Oxy-attach, attaching it all to her cyber body with a laser from her pointing finger.
DOREEN
That should do it. Bye Dave.
SARAH
She pressed a button, twirled a door wheel, scanned the helmet bar code and the airlock opened to a small room. The door shut to the room and Ghost in soaaace watched her open the outer bay door. And jump. And float. Struggle a bit. Get hit by a passing stray off -or it satellite, recover from that, get hit by an olde stationery moon probe on the head, and lose consciousness. Wow. What a day.
The ship was in a Mach 1 collision course with the moon and Ghost in spaaaace knew that Astronaut Dave was helpless. They whizzed to the flight deck and started to try everything they could to wake up Dave. They wriggled and jiggled in front of him. Tried to tickle his toes, tried to shout very very loudly but nothing could be heard over the nose dive of the rocket ship as it came close to 100 miles from the moon surface. Then. It had a crazy idea.
Ghost in spaaace did what they did best and decided to mischievously haunt Dave. From the inside. It squeezed in through his left ear and into his brain, tickled by firing synapses and brain activity. Ghost in Dave’s braaaainnn shrunk itself and held hands with one particularly friendly synapse that looked quite a lovely shade of teal and a major league synapse that looked like it was the boss of brain messages.
GHOST IN SPPPPAACE
I do hope this works
SARAH
They said. And then. Started to speak.
GHOST IN SPPPPAACE
DAve. Wake up Dave. Wake up Shake up, gotta eat your cake up wake up wake up Dave!
SARAH
It…sort of…worked. A little hologram of Dave appeared in front of Ghost in Daves brainnn and said
LITTLE DAVE
Hello! Uh. Where’s the cake?
GHOST IN SPPPPAACE
Well. I’m not sure. But. If you land this space ship we can make some
SARAH
Managed Ghost in Dave’s brain!
GHOST IN SPPPPAACE
You need to land this space ship. It’s…uh. It’s crashing. Doreen has abandoned ship and is floating off in space somewhere. If you don’t land this ship, well. You won’t get that retirement life you wanted.
LITTLE DAVE
Ah. Red alert! Action! Dave is in peril. All systems fire warning. We must wake up. No matter what. Or. We. Won’t wake again. Is that what you mean?
SARAH
Said Little Dave to Ghost in Dave’s brain!
LITTLE DAVE
Ah, I uh. I had a word with limb control and. It appears we are. Tied to a chair. On the flight deck. No hope of release.
GHOST IN SPPPPAACE
Then ..then this calls for a mouth control landing. It’s what you have trained for. I know. I listened. Dave can do it. Get him roused!
SARAH
Little Dave saluted Ghost in Dave’s brainnnn and disappeared in a pop. What then seemed like a hundred thoughts passed through them.
DAVE (say all these 2x different Ways pls and I’ll overlap)
Where am I! What’s happening? Why am I tied to this chair? Oh. Doreen. Where’s Doreen. There’s a red alert. I can’t move. Can I…reach. The…controls…
SARAH
Dave used all the last strengths in body to lean forward as much as the Gaffernano would allow. It seems the more he tried to get out, the harder it was to try. The nanos we’re learning. The nanos were working against him.
GHOST IN SPPPAACE
SO. Relax then. Do the opposite. Try NOT to get free
SARAH
Said Ghost in Daves brain. Little Dave appeared in a poof of blue smoke
Little Dave
Good idea, it’s working! We’re getting some freer movement.
GHOST IN SPPPPAACE
Try to reach behind you….then nanos migh do the opposite and push him forward.
SARAH
That is exactly what happened. And now with that forward momentum, Dave could grab hold of the joystick with his mouth. He’d done this in training so many times before. He flicked a switch with his nose, pressed another with his chin and the red lights stopped flashing.
COMPUTER VOICE
Manual control
SARAH
From afar it was a beautiful sight. The rocket ship retro boosters flamed into action, and the parachutes parachute shot out of the back of the rotating stern at hundreds of miles per hour. The momentum increased and then, more jets started to spark to life controlled by Dave’s brilliant precision landing training. He started to float a bit off his chair As the gravity engine groaned under the pressure of the sudden full stop. For Dave it felt like his brain was gf to come out of his head ith the force of the abrupt engine all stop. At the same time, this momentum change catapulted Ghost in Daves brain directly into a core memory. Dave training. On the mouth landing machine. His instructor sayin
INSTRUCTOR
Don’t forget to leave off the breaks at the last five seconds then stab them for all they’re worth.
SARAH
Then ghost in Dave’s brain was thrown by force into another core memory as the deceleration kicked in with force. This one was a really fun fairground ride that whizzed round and round and round til you got stuck to the walls. Dave had come on the ride with his mum, and some candy floss. He was 7 and had refused to let go of the candy floss. The ride started up and as it got quicker and quicker the candy floss got closer and closer to his face until he was wiping it all across his face - up his nose, across his forehead in his mouth and couldn’t do a thing to stop it. Ghost in Daves brain was jerked quickly out of that memory into the main core brain processor unit. There were lots of little Daves here in blue shorts and white T-shirts.
Dave1
Centrifugal force. If…I can…control that….I’ve got a chance….
Dave 2
Calculate angle of efficiency for optimum landing conditions
Dave 3
Co ordinate limbs to tense up
Dave 4
Set mouth dexterity to 100
Dave 5
We’re too close to the moon surface
Dave 6
We’re going to
DAVE
Elevate the starboard prong! We’re going down!
SARAH
GHOST IN DAVES BRAIN HAD A THOUGHT. A THING SO BRILILANT IT MIGHT JUST WORK TO SAVE DAVE.
GHOST IN SPPPPAACE
EAT THE GAFFER NANO! They’ll protect your insides! Try it! It’s your only chance of survival!
SARAH
There was an almighty BANG. and. Crash. And wangshunngggg Kachoo ping ping ping noise.
from afar. The rocket ship looked like it would slam into the moon surface. But at the last minute. It span. It span so so fast it could hardly be seen, whirling moon dust high high up into the air.
A distant figure shining black and red also entered the slight moon atmosphere, and landed, with no audible thud…from a distance anyway…..
AND THEN
SILENCE.
There was at least ten minutes of no words. No human. No. Not much. Other than the pings and settling of metal. And engine. And life support.
Dave woke.
His mouth felt like he’d drunk all the dirty bath water of the world. His tummy and legs and arms hurt. But. He could think. He could breathe.
GHOST IN SPPPPAACE
HELLOOOOOO
SARAH
said ghost in space. Popping up in front of him from somewhere in? His ear.
GHOST IN SPPPPAACE
Are you ok?
DAVE
DEFINE…OK
SARAH
His voice echoed in his bones, a thousand times.
GHOST IN SPPPPAACE
I think you need to get out of here. The suits are unharmed. Come on.
SARAH
Astronaut Dave felt strange. He felt like he didn’t even need a suit. He opened the airlock. Closed th dinner door. Didn’t even put on a helmet. He smiled at himeself in the window of the outer airlock and saw, to his shock, a good number of nanobots weaving in and out of his teeth. All still intact. The outer door opened. He felt a little cold, then nano’s crawled on his skin, on his face, in his brain, reconnecting, re invigorating, restoring. He was fine.
DAVE
I’m fine!
SARAH
He jumped from the ship to the moon surface.
DAVE
This is living!
Sarah
He shouted
DAVE
I live!
SARAH
AND he said the biggest Wahooooo ever heard on the moon
DAVE
WAHOOOO
SARAH
Then. Stopped.
Then. Stared.
Two legs stuck out from underneath the half crashed ticking ship. One black and red. One human. A hand held what Dave looked down to see was called a ‘Ghist hunter 3000. And it was blipping very very hard. Dave took it in his hand. And pointed it at Ghost in spaaace.
It went bonkers.
He pointed it at himself,
It went quiet
He pointed it at the black and red cyber leg.
And it
Went
Crazy
Dave laughed
Dave
LAUGH
GHOST IN SPPPPAACE
Oh, can it be true? AN ETERNAL PLAYMATE FOR ME…? Really? Really?
SARAH
And before their very eyes…Ghost Doreen stood up, brushed herself off and looked at the Ghost in spaaace and at Dave and at the blipping machine
and swore very loudly. In French, twice.
THIS WAS THE START OF MANY A MOON ADVENTURE FOR
ASTRONAUT DAVE AND THE GHOSSSTSS INNNN SPPPAAAACE