Detective Duck

A Dark Comedy WHODUNNIT
By
© Sarah Golding 2021

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CAST
Detective Duck

Ensemble - Taylor Garcia Van Biljon, Justin Price, Kayla Rivera, Jeff Taylor

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Detective

So. We can, can we not…surmise that one of you present here in this, quite fabulous drawing room,did indeed did do the deadly deed. You did. Drop the dagger eyes dear….Draw the doors! Deter the damp dashy dolt from doing more deathing …..Someone…..a wrongdoer….has left a dead giveaway…they did! I deduce it! The dreamer dreamed death by design….Did diligently dig deeply and dash the adorned decently recently deceased with devilish demeanour and did devastatingly disintegrate the disarmed victim with a drizzle of dried lime, YES! Did! Deposits…drawing room desk, drawing room door. So! ….deceased now dead, the dastardly deeder destroyed the didgeridoo and dido disc collection….that’s dido the singer, not the queen of Carthage ….cos they didn’t dig it….deranged! and ….detectives! Do not discard the declaration of derring do in the written dedication on the dvd. De evidence! Dadaaaa!

Having done the deed, with the derringer on the dark divan, our doer of deeds did then dedicate duly days digging down below foundations to dump the deceased, discovered decayed days later down Duey Drive drains one dour dusk.

Sadly some sewage stopppered up and the strain saw it seep into the street spreading a sixth of the said suspects shattered shards streetwide. Shocker. Sickening. Sad. Discovered! So! What say you…? Murderer? Mmmm?

Made mad by moderately morose marriage and malevolent mockery of your manhood, you managed to make many men manage your means to murder. Moving mountains to make your mark, and make off with the misappropriated money made by the murdered mans many management mistakes. My goodness.

What wherewithal. What weird and wonderful wear and tear of wine and weason. When would we wake up and which willing wielded welted wound would you want to weep next? Well, the next victims are …….

all the other people in this room. All of you. Yes. All linked to the deceased on some way, all equally as guilty as the murdered man for treating the murderer with disdain and, well, quite frankly….no…respect. None. Not even the sausage. The deceased never even played the didgeridoo the murderer gave him. Or played the dido cd. Sacrilege. It’s such a great…album.

Now. You see my speech pattern has changed. I am no longer assonance or alliteration I am…..I am Jazzzzz, coming to my…conclusion with curious ease! How. Very. Exciting! Ready? Do sit. All of you.

SFX COCKS GUN

I said sit!

SFX SITTING

So. You do as the gun says hmm? But is there enough bullet for you all. YES. ONE EACH. HOW FUN.

Oh don’t look so shocked. You….recognise me don’t you? How’s about now.

SFX MASK RIPPING OFF

ALL

GASP

DETECTIVE

Yes, you get it now don’t you? Hmm? For you all are guilty of driving the murderer to their tethers end. Life changes, luck changes. Patterns emerge….patterns of behaviour….but they can change too. We can all. Change. If we’re forced to. Hmm? If we had no other alternative but to behave a certain way.

Well. At some point. I think….this one here…..this…gun…point…..So did the pattern of killing by the murderer change. And that. Is why. And how, I know …,for a fact….that all of you here in this room right now have been poisoned.

ALL

GASP

SFX BODY FALL

Ah. Yes. There goes Pike. He lied about and shamed the murderer as a child. Imbecile. He necked the wine I bought down rather quickly hmm?

SFX BODY FALL

Ah good. And Mrs Abernathy who scorned the murderer for not having long enough fingers to play the piano to her standard. I mean who hits a child on the hands with a ruler. Who? Mrs Abernathy did. But she can’t…anymore….

SFX BODY FALL

Permission to fall down and die sir! Permission granted,…. the colonel. No longer able to stand to attention uh colonel? No. This….colonel…who never even fought in any war….this colonel who thought the murderers line of employment as a protector, a law man was a waste of time…. and they should have gone into the army like the rest of the family well now you….colonel…,daddy….dad….can malign and malinger no more. I. Love. My. Job. More than I love fat purulent blinkered you.

SFX BODY FALL

Ah. The triplets. All now. Dead. Good. They each refused to go out with the murderer and preferred to be…just friends. Ha. Keep your friends close but….welll….if you willl push your enemies away….this…is what happens ladies. Here’s what ya could have haddddd,….and. …and now….for the finale…..the….confession….the reveal…Now we have.

Just me in the room. The family drawing room. The room that started this plan all those years ago.

Tick tock goes the clock. And well yes. Things have taken time but….what a pay off. Let’s see. Ah yes. Here. The order for more lime sent to this address by the colonel. Oh. Colonel. One moment….hold this please. Point it here. And…pull the trigger.

SFX BANG

AND for your other hand sir, The forged note of blame being all yours to frame you for the murder of the whole family…and visiting triplets….and, Well. There we have it. Case closed. Crime solved.

Let me just practice my poker face…..

Oh yes Officer, it’s a tragedy. A man gone mad. He had rage. He had jealousy. He needed money and lost it all.

And in private. To myself. In the mirror. I say….like this….to myself. Quietly. That…..sinister edge.

How do I know all this?

Whodunnit?

Who committed this most heinous of crimes?

And

Well. Of course. I know….whodunnit because…..

(Whispers)

Was

Me!

It was me! It was meeeeeeee

LAUGHS EVILLY

END