Existential Crisis
by
© Sarah Golding 2021

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CAST
DANE - Joey Hernandez
JAMIE/CREATURE - Taylor Garcia Van-Biljon
POLICE OFFICER - Justin Price

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SFX Click of WALKIE talkie, SOUND of mountain boots walking on loose mountainside. 

DANE
Wakey wakey! Morning darling! This is your 7am mountain hike alarm call from your fiancée of two and a half glorious days. The weather this morning is blue skies and no wind apart from in your sleeping bag and it’s time to wake up and make me some coffee! Yeah….I just went and got us some truly fresh and decent firewood so…get out the bacon and we’ll make us a slap up  m-……Wait. Oh…Ohno. No no no…..There’s. There’s something outside the tent. Darling it’s a….Oh. Oh no. Stay still. Stay still and shut this off or put the headphones on it. Or take the batteries out. There’s a. There’s a bear sniffing around the tent. ItS a big one darling. It’s…I’m. Im too far to…too far to scare it. (Nervous gulp) Don’t. Move. (Upset cry) oh. No no no you 

SFX BEAR / CREATURE SOUNDS AND RIPPING TENT

(SHOUTS) You leave the tent alone! You leave her. Stop! Oh. Oh no! Oh no oh no. Oh. Jamie! Kick it! Jamie! Just. Oh. (V upset now) oh. Oh no. (Breathing)

Breathing

Breathing

(Quiet) Jamie? Oh. Oh no. Oh.

Breathing. 

Ok. Ok Dane. What do you do? What do you do now? It. It took her. So. So. What do you do? Uh. 

SFX WALKIE talkie sound click 

Uh. Uhh. (Pause) Jamie, I. I don’t know if you can hear me but. Uh. I’m coming. Whatever that creature was, wherever it has taken you. I’m. Im going to come and find you. And. And. We’ll get out of here and go to that niagara hotel just like you wanted. Ok? 

I just had a thought though. If. If er…..if I can’t find your then. I don’t know how the hell im gonna find my way back.. cos. Cos you got all the skills huh? You’ve done this so many times. But me? I. I’m er…..pretty useless huh? My dad was right. I just …..I’m… NO damn good at anything useful. I can…..book a flight. I can find and chop firewood and …and start a fire. But. That’s it. That’s….all I’m good for. But you?

You’re like a. A super human. There’s nothing you can’t do. Apart from. The obvious. 

I can’t believe I’ve never ACTUALLY  heard your voice. Like. I imagine it. When you’re…when you’re signing at me. But. Oh. Jamie. I….I wish …..I hope….I hope I see you sign again and …and I can imagine you….I find you and you’re…you’re up a tree or something and the the creature it just took one s iif your shoes and went…nope. And…and I find you and you sign…’about time too’ and I help you down and I treat your scratches and we have our coffee and bacon and we go home and…Man I wish you could talk. I. I wish you could speak Jamie…right now….tell me you’re ok….tell me where you are…... But then. I guess I’m also glad I couldn’t….. hear you scream. 

Cos. 

I nearly fainted as it is. I. I think this is shock now. Yeah. I. I feel weird. I feel. Light and…strange and…

SFX (HE FALLS)

Arghh. Ah. Ow. ADH. My. Head. Dang it. I hit my head. This. This isn’t good. This isn’t. Oh. Oh my head is wet. Can you hear me? I’m ok. But. Woahhh. I feel. 

I

I feel weird Jamie. I. I can’t get….up. I. I just want to shut my eyes but….I….

(Breathing)

Ok. No. No. I. I have to get up. I. C’mon Dane. Go find Jamie. You want her to be your wife. Til death do you part. Even though you’re not married yet. You’re gonna. You’re ….she’s your future man. You have a future with her. She. She. She makes you…you…she makes you feel. She gives you…..she sparks joy! Get up. Get up you idiot. Go find her. And get her safe. You need to make her safe you. 

JAMIE

Jamie IS THAT YOU….

Oh. Oh. Oh dear, it’s. It’s the creature. It’s . Oh. It’s not a . Not a bear. It’s. 

It’s. Jamie? Is. Is that you?

CREATURE

GROWLS

DANE

Uh. Jamie. Such. Big teeth you’ve got. Those….fingernails look…sharp. Jamie. And. Oh. It is you. Your….your beautiful face. But. But. No. What’s happened to you? What. What even are you? I. Oh. I don’t feel so good. Is this a…a mirage? Or is that just….lakes and oasis? 

CREATIRE

GROWLS

DANE

Stop. Jamie. Stop. You. You…..you brought us here to…..to hike and chat…we’ll…I do al of that but my signing was getting good….wasn’t it? No…? No? What do you mean no? I did….I did courses for you Jamie. I. I….studied! Why? You…you askin’ why? Because I love you. Because I….I love you Jamie. So. Come back to me. Help me. I. I banged my head, and. My….what are you doing ? What are you doing Jamie? My foot feels wet. My foot it….OW! Get off me Jamie what are you? Argh! No! No….don’t eat my! That’s my best penalty shooting leg Jamie no….no…..awwww the other one too? Why can’t I feel it? I can see you doing it but I can’t feel you….eating….me….oh my…oh HELP! Hell! Someone! I knew there wasn’t a god Jamie. I knew it. If there was they’d help me now. Or. Ok. So you’re eating my arms now too. Nice. I’m just gonna lie back here Jamie. Just. I guess there’s nothing left I can…I can do…now…so….what are you. No…no (pull your own tongue for this I guess) Not my tongue. No. Jamie. You…..you wanna eat it? You wanna? You’re. ….signing. I. Want. Your. Voice. I. Want. Your legs. I. Need…your blood…..your blood will renew me in my new form…..I….I…Want to speak again…to live….  I …..am sorry. No. Jamie. Nooooooo

DANE SCREAMS

SCREAM FADES 

SFX POLICE OFFICE AMBIENCE, A PENCIL NOTES DETAIL ON PAPER

OFFICER

So….Dane is it?

DANE

Yes sir.

OFFICER 

Tell me again what happened. I just need to document it for police Records in case she does turn up somewhere. Tell me exactly what happened….

JAMIE

Well sir, she just went off. Like. We’d had a fight and. And she knows these lands like the back of her hands. She. She said she had had enough and was going back home. And…I heard….like a bear. A roar. And I don’t know. I just….got scared and wandered and wandered and….well I followed the river and ended up…here. 

OFFICER

Do you have a picture?

JAMIE

Yes. Sir. Here. 

SFX HANDING OVER PHOTO

OFFICER

Oh. How odd. You have the same….birth mark. On your cheek.

DANE

Indeed we do sir. Indeed. We. Do....

THIRLLING MUSIC BY John Bartmann