93: Laying Foundations: Learn from My Mistakes

My youngest daughter has always had a fear of me losing her. It didn’t make sense because I’d never lost or left her anywhere. 

The Lord showed me why in a conversation and from a Heart Doodle with Teagan. I explained in this week’s podcast. I also share how intentionally laying good foundations will set your children up for healthy behavior patterns and good character.

The short version is I laid the foundation for her fear by partnering with fear when she was an infant. 

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Building Healthy Foundations for Children

Speaker 1 0:14

I want to share with you some insight that I gained from doing heart doodling and conversations with my daughter of her background . My daughter is almost seven and for as long as she has been able to communicate to me in any way , she has had the fear of me losing her . Just at times like irrational and like a true panic that I'm going to lose her . Like be here at home . If I open the door to set something outside , she'll be like mom , mom , because she's afraid that I left . And like do I leave you without telling you that I'm leaving ? No , but there's still just this , this fear that I'm , I'm gonna leave , she's gonna lose me , I'm gonna lose her . I've always been like I'm not exactly sure where that came from , but like you clearly struggle with that . And then we've also been dealing with her struggling of like things are just too hard and it's not fair . And these meltdowns over like things that are not too hard . You know going to bed when you're supposed to and you know things that like , yeah , you don't want to do it , but it's not too hard for you to do , writing another sentence on her homework page or whatever that challenges me because , well , because I grew up with the like . It didn't matter how hard something was , you were just gonna do it . And I also know the value of learning to do hard things . Like we're called to be the soldiers , and that involves doing hard things . You know , just being a human being , a mom , just being a human like , you're gonna have to do hard things . You're gonna have to do a whole lot of things you don't really feel like doing . So we need to develop that skill and get over . It is my default attitude and that's not helpful . So trying to navigate that in a way of like , okay , I hear that that's what you're feeling and you can't function that way . So we had had a conversation . I remember exactly now what the conversation was about , what it was that she needed to be doing , but her vocabulary was just constant I can't , it's too hard , I shouldn't have to do this like just constant . And I asked her if she made a picture of how she was feeling , what that would look like , and she said that it would be a wall with her on one side and God and her dad and I on the other side of the wall . And so I asked her you know what the wall was made of and she said it was made of bricks . And I asked her to ask the Lord what did he want her to do with the wall and what tools did he have for her to do that ? And so she felt like he wanted her to kick it down and he gave her the shoes of peace in the armor of God . I'm like , okay , that makes sense . Like , go for it , do that . So she felt a little better , and this was a conversation at night .

Speaker 1 3:44

Then the next morning I was talking to her because I had had the picture and the insight of , like it was a brick wall , the enemy was handing her the bricks and he's like , oh , here I can help you , you can stay safe and not have to do those hard things . You know , like I can help you . So he's handing her bricks that are saying it's too hard , I'm scared , I can't , and so she . So I had that visual of like , okay , like you've been building that wall between God and your dad and I , and Satan is handing you bricks and you are , every time that you agree with him that it's too hard and that you can't , that you need me to do it , whatever , like you're taking another brick and you're building it on there and so it's having that conversation with her and I had her ask where'd the wall come from ? Walls have foundations . I don't remember if I asked her where the foundation came from , but you know , just remember , the exact words was asking her to ask the Lord , like , where , where did this come from ? And what he spoke to my heart was that I had laid the foundation . I guess I wrote on the side , you know , he told me I put in the foundation and she has continued to build on the wall , but there's no condemnation , it's only an invitation to freedom . What he was showing me of how I had laid this foundation was that when she was an infant , less than three months old because she was still sleeping in the cradle beside my bed and they don't fit in that much past three months , so she was less than three months old my husband and my oldest son and I were sitting on the couch .

Speaker 1 5:42

The house was pretty dark because my three older were teens when she was an infant , so like if they were out at youth group or friends house or if they'd already gone to bed , like I'm not sure , but I know it was my husband and my oldest and I and we'd been sitting on the couch and it was time for me to feed her again before , like , put her down for the night . I was already sleeping , but I was going to get her up and feed her , so maybe everybody else was in bed , because that would have been pretty late , and then I was going to go to bed for the night . I went in to get her and she wasn't breathing . Panic , infant is not breathing and there's no reason for her to not be breathing . And I brought her out to the couch and we prayed over her and we declared life over her , and which was something I did through her entire pregnancy , because my previous pregnancy , even though it had been 13 years earlier , had ended in a miscarriage and so believing for life and a healthy baby through the whole pregnancy had been a walk of faith and a challenge . And so , like once she was born , feeling like kind of like okay , we've arrived , kind of thing . So then to go in and pick her up , and she wasn't breathing , so she was fine .

Speaker 1 7:11

And part of me questions , like I've read sense of like infants can sleep so soundly that like it kind of seems like they're not breathing . So like maybe I just didn't check close enough or whatever . Regardless , she's alive and well now and the enemy used that fear to lay this foundation for this wall that she has a hard time not building , because it wasn't just that event of like okay , now she's good , so the Lord has kept her safe and she's here . It became she needs to sleep with me . I need to keep her , I need to make sure , and so I took the responsibility for making sure she was okay on myself and that laid a foundation of fear , because I was afraid of losing her and it wasn't trusting like I was trying to trust . I was doing my best to trust and so I can have grace for myself .

Speaker 1 8:17

But I can look back and see that the decisions I was making about having her sleep with me and those kinds of things were based out of fear and not that doing that was wrong . Doing it out of fear was wrong . The behavior itself not saying if I was right or wrong , but doing it motivated out of fear was wrong , because that was giving the enemy a foothold . And then because I was modeling , keeping her close out of fear , even though I felt like that quit after a few months I was no longer afraid of her that she was gonna stop breathing at least not consciously . But I had modeled that pattern for her . That's what felt normal and so can see that her , the things that she's voicing now , those bricks that she's putting up , is just a repeat . It's just modeling or following the pattern that I modeled .

Speaker 1 9:41

And so I laid the foundation by agreeing with that fear and then continuing to make choices that were motivated by fear instead of motivated by faith and trust in God's protection and His goodness . I laid that foundation for her to continue to partner with fear because that's what was modeled , that's what was normal . I hope that's making sense . So I was able to like , okay , repented that I removed that foundation , like we're still walking it out , but I think I've seen times where it's easier for her to not partner with that and she also has created that habit and there's normal way of being that has to be reworked and just comes through practice , especially at her age . So in a way , it's a bad example and I'm not sharing it for you to look back at your mothering and being like , oh no , what bad foundations did I lay ? If the Lord reveals any to you , then you can deal with those and if you don't know how to deal with those , you can reach out to me and I can help you with that . But I want you to take it to look as if you're being intentional . What foundations can you lay for them to build good things Healthy habits , healthy mindsets , healthy communication skills ? Like you can lay those foundations and the way that you intentionally lay that foundation of this is how we're gonna be , this is the kind of people we are , and then you live that and you demonstrate it and your behavior matches that . Then you're making it easier for them to build on that , because that's just the way we live and just like . What popped to mind is .

Speaker 1 11:33

A super simple example is when I was a kid , both grandpa's played solitaire all the time and when we were at their house , playing cards was a frequent activity and often sitting and playing solitaire . If they were watching , they wouldn't let us cheat Like you're playing solitaire . You're the only one playing . But it was a foundation that was laid of where people of integrity , we follow the rules even if it's not going our way . And it was such a small exercise , but I can look back and see that it was so important to lay that type of foundation , of that integrity of this is the kind of people we are . We don't need to cheat to win a game . We don't need to win to be okay . We can just pull it in and mix it up and start over .

Impactful Foundations for Building Character

Speaker 1 12:27

Small , intentional things like that have a lasting impact on your kids . And so look at how can you intentionally lay foundations or how can you intentionally model building on those foundations , just in everyday life , that are going to make it easier for them to be who they want to be , who God has made them to be . If you need help with that too , like reach out Love to help you figure out those things , as well as if the Lord reveals any foundations and patterns you've laid that need to be excavated , need to be removed , he's in the restoration business , so there's always the hope and the possibility of doing that . That's it for today . I would love to hear from you and I will see you next time .