I have been battling an accusing voice saying, “Who do you think you are?” for a few months. I didn’t realize that was what I was dealing with when I sat down to do this behind-the-scenes look at Heart Doodling with Jesus.
Listen along as I explain what I’m doing and model how I get the insights and clarity I receive when I Heart Doodle with Jesus.
Discipling mothers to disciple generations
Encouragement and practical steps to improve your relationship with yourself, God, and your child.
I have been battling an accusing voice saying, “Who do you think you are?” for a few months. I didn’t realize that was what I was dealing with when I sat down to do this behind-the-scenes look at Heart Doodling with Jesus.
Listen along as I explain what I’m doing and model how I get the insights and clarity I receive when I Heart Doodle with Jesus.
Discipling mothers to disciple generations
Encouragement and practical steps to improve your relationship with yourself, God, and your child.
Today I'm inviting you in to a kind of behind-the-scenes look of how I process things and how heart-dugling with Jesus comes into that. So, as I'm recording this, this is my 50th birthday and I have been really excited about it. For the most part, there's been a piece that's been like I should be more grown up, more mature, have things more together by 50. But for the most part, I've had an excitement of what God is doing and all the things that he's working that I can see and that I can't see that I can see and that I can't see and I wrote a post about that earlier this week, about it being a big week and all the different things that are going on and that I'm blessed to be a part of. And in our age of social media, like birthdays are a big day because Facebook reminds people that it's your birthday and so lots of posts and messages saying you know, happy birthday, amazing year. And I found myself being discouraged. I'm like what? I don't want to be discouraged. Today. I've been excited about my birthday and I'm getting all these messages and all these encouraging things Like why? Why would I be discouraged?
Speaker 1:
So I sat down with my journal and I just journaled directly to the Lord, like I'm talking to him. But writing it out helps me stay focused and helps me, um, while I record what I feel like he says back to me, because it's a conversation, I talk to him, I listen for him to talk to me and I write down what, what I'm saying to him, and I write down what I feel like he's saying to me, so that I have a record of that to go back to and I can you know, like, is this what he really said, or did I twist that? Or I can evaluate it with a scripture or share it with a friend if I'm questioning to have somebody else be like, yeah, that might not be quite what God is saying, or whatever. And so I was just sharing with him of, like you know, here it is, and like I'm discouraged. I'm discouraged that, like in this menopause phase of life and I've gained weight and these body aches, and I'm doing an event and that's not going quite how I was anticipating or hoping for it to, and like some feeling of this discouragement and like I don't want to. I can see this is what I'm focusing on, and so that's why I'm feeling this way. What do I focus on. Instead, I'll just read what I feel like he said I am working things for your good. I can and will bring good out of all things Practice receiving today.
Speaker 1:
Do not discount the blessings people are sending you. Receive them. They are blessings from me. See how many people are seeing you. I have abundance for you. See how many people are seeing you. I have abundance for you. You are worthy and deserving. Because I have chosen you, you are mine. My daughter doesn't need to live in lack or fear of lack. Abundance is yours in every realm.
Speaker 1:
So sweet, so good of him to be speaking to all of these places of to be speaking to all of these places of you. Know that there are blessings. He is working and there's correction in there too, because in my discouragement and in my um, I don't know this unworthiness that I've been battling of, like oh, they're sending me birthday messages, but it's just because Facebook reminded them and it's like no, that's not true at all, because Facebook reminds me of people's birthdays and I don't always send things. And even if it is, you know he's like, even if they're doing it because they feel like they have to or they're hoping it brings them a sale, or whatever he's like, it doesn't matter, it's still a blessing and all blessings come from me. So, dozens of messages, dozens and dozens of posts on your wall, like there's all of these people that are seeing you and blessing you today. You know, happy birthday is a blessing, changing my heart to be in a place of like okay, I received that. I received these blessings that you are giving me through all of these people that you know, some I have met and built relationships with on Facebook, others I know in real life and have relationship with, and others are just kind people that are like I want to wish you a happy birthday and practicing receiving that, that it's okay for me to receive the blessing of happy birthday, even from people I don't know and that might seem ridiculous of like why, why would you struggle to receive that?
Speaker 1:
But, like I said, I've been dealing with this spirit of unworthiness again. I kind of felt like I had conquered it in the past, um, but in the last few months it's come back, and it's come back with a vengeance. And you know whether it's come back or I've gotten to a new place where I need to deal with it at a deeper level, or whatever. Regardless, I'm dealing with it, and some days I'm dealing with it well, and some days I'm dealing with it well and some days I'm not. So I just thought I would share that with you.
Speaker 1:
And then, so as I was hearing from the Lord, I felt like there was things that, like I need to spend some more time on this, a powerful way that I spend more time on things that I feel like God is speaking to me on, or that I just need to get clearer about the right way to think about it, or whatever is, through heart doodlings, what I feel like the Lord was showing me, and just let you see how that process works. When, like, I don't have a plan, I just have that unction from the Lord to like look into this and put this on paper. What I felt like the Lord was saying to explore a bit more was this feeling of unworthiness, and so I often start with just drawing a box, and if I know what I'm doing, then I can title it. I will ask myself what I feel and what I think. There's usually a third thing, and I just kind of let God speak to me on that, I guess, and sometimes I start with the journaling and sometimes I start with the drawing and for the drawing I ask myself if I'm to make a picture of how this unworthiness feels, what would that look like? What would it look like if I put this feeling of unworthiness into a picture? Well, I feel very small and afraid. I'm thinking don't see me, I'm afraid, feeling trouble, I guess like a blanket over me, like I'm hiding, I don't want to be seen.
Speaker 1:
I think the accusation is being prideful somehow, which this who do you think you are? Accusation has come up a lot as I've been struggling with this. It's a very, I don't know, I almost want to say sinister. Like it's a mean voice that's saying like who do you think you are, to think you would be worthy of anything, and so like it's a fear of being prideful. The verse like don't think of yourself more highly than you ought. And I'm not exactly sure why that is such a deep, big fear, always being taught that God is against the proud, which is true, but also like I know in my head that degrading yourself is actually a form of pride, because you're saying that your opinion of yourself matters more than God's opinion of you and he doesn't say I'm unworthy, I don't know.
Speaker 1:
So that's interesting, and as I do the lane, like I just kind of, as I do the lane, like I just kind of, if thoughts are coming, I can write them down. If they're not, and I'm kind of at that place of like I need to sit with that more, like, why does that? Who do you think you are? Why does that cut so deep? Why does that sting so much? And so, as I like, sit with that and listen for what the Lord wants to tell me on that, then I draw or paint. And part of doing the box is it gives me space to like fill that entire space. So, instead of like just painting this little me and being like, well, I'm done, I didn't get anything, I have the time of deciding how and then of filling this entire space.
Speaker 1:
And I'm feeling, as I'm doing this, that it's a fear of man that if I step out into who I feel, like God says I am, there will be people that will quote unquote put me back in my place. So partially the fear of man of being put back in my place, being attacked and accused, it stings so much because there's a part that believes like maybe those people are right, that believes like maybe those people are right, maybe that is my place, and I don't even know who those people are, like they could be anybody that tried to put me back in my place and I don't know. I'm feeling like my place, that the Lord is saying he has for me, like this is like a stage and curtains is being a light, and that he's given me a platform. And it's not necessarily a stage in front of people, but in some fashion he has given me a platform. And also, seeing that they're probably childhood times, but at the moment, like seeing times in working to build a coaching business and working to see like where, where is he leading me? How is he gifting me?
Speaker 1:
Um, that there's been people in the online space that have stood up and been like, get back in your place, you don't belong here, still really stings so clearly. That's why he's bringing it up. We need healing there because he's not telling me to stay in this hidden place. He's saying to take my place and it's a place of authority and influence, even if that's just within my home and within my personal circle of influence, even and like I feel like he has called me to a business and to a larger platform. It starts really with him of taking my place before him as daughter, like he said when I was journaling you know, my daughter does not saying is mine, it's not me being like, oh, this is what I think I need or deserve. And it's abundance in spiritual blessings which he says, you know, he's given everything we need for life and godliness. We have the spirit of the risen Christ in us. It's abundance of relationship. It's abundance of physical health and well-being to carry out his work and his desires. Its abundance in provisions, whether that's. You know, jesus fed 5 000 with a lunch.
Speaker 1:
I don't really feel like I'm getting any insights on like where this, who do you think you are and don't, don't take up too much space and whatever, like where that comes from long term, and maybe that's because I really have dealt with that, or maybe it's because he wants me to deal with the more recent hurts first. I've done forgiving, but I forgive again those who have knowingly or unknowingly told me to get back in my place. Forgive myself for listening to them and I'm reminded that true humility is agreeing with God and seeing yourself as God sees you. The Lord promises to lift up those that are submitted to him. So true humility is seeing yourself the way God sees you, and I'm always reminded of David going against Goliath that when David said I will be the one to cut off your head and feed you to the beasts and the birds of the air, he wasn't being proud. He knew who he was. He knew he was God's anointed to lead and protect Israel and he didn't need the office of king and the crown of the king and the robes and the palace and all that to do that. He just needed the anointing. And he's like I know who my God is and I know who I am. I know the job he's given me to do. I know that he has equipped me to do it.
Speaker 1:
I've heard that the sling often it's taught as kind of you know, like a little boy's slingshot or whatever and it was just miraculous that he took out Goliath, which it could be in a sense I mean in a sense a teenager going against a bonafide giant warrior like that's miraculous. But it also the slingers of that day were like the snipers. They were incredibly accurate. The rocks were like bullets because they went so fast and they could be so accurate. So it took a lot of training and practice on David's part and he knew he had that skill and he knew God practice on David's part and he knew he had that skill and he knew God had given it to him. And he could clearly see.
Speaker 1:
Like he's given me this skill and this is a situation where I can use it, because Goliath is expecting a hand-to-hand combat and like I'm not made for that, I'm not stepping into that place, but I can take out this giant with what God has given me and who he's made me to be. So stepping into our place is seeing. Okay, god, how do you see me? How have you equipped me? What have you given me? And I'm going to take that place, regardless of what the giants around me or my family or the earthly leadership around me is telling me.
Speaker 1:
Because David had Goliath calling him a dog Like you're just this little yippy dog coming at me who do you think you are? Had his brothers which this is interesting, this is just revelation coming as I'm talking, his brothers were saying who do you think you are? Get back in your place. Go take care of the sheep. You're just a kid. Who do you think you are? You shouldn't even be here. Like you're just here trying to get recognition for yourself. And because he'd already been anointed. And they knew that his brothers knew that he'd already been anointed because they had been passed over.
Speaker 1:
The prophet had looked at each one of them and said, no, you're not the one. So his older brothers are just looking at him as, like you're just here seeking attention, you're just here trying to make a name for yourself. And then the king of like well, I'm willing to let you fight this battle for me, because I'm too intimidated to do it. But at the same time, like you know, like what's my loss if you go out there and get killed? Like we're already stuck, like we're already defeated We've been here for 40 days and we don't have anybody that can go fight Goliath.
Speaker 1:
Like the king looked at him and said like you can't do this on your own, you need my armor, you need more things from the human standpoint. And David tried it, like he you know, okay, it's the king and he knows about these things. But he tried it on and was like no, this isn't me, I don't need any of the human things. I have God's anointing and he has already charged me, anointed me to protect his nation, and so I can do that with what he has given me, and that's not pride, that's true humility. So just seeing that, that, who do you think you are? His older brothers were saying that to him and, like I've had people in my life saying that to me, I know this again, just kind of a behind the scenes of like how I'm processing why this heart doodling process is so powerful to me, why I'm passionate about teaching it to others. Trust that this is a blessing. If you would like to experience heart doodling for yourself, reach out to me. I would love to share it with you.