Ep 25 - Life Stories and Other Memory Gifts

Writing a biography is one way of celebrating a life that can bring pleasure to both the person telling their story and to those who treasure the record they have to remember them by. This episode explains why this can mean so much and  offers tips on how to go about recording someone's story.
There are also suggestions that might appeal for creating memory bears, cushions, or other memory gifts. 

A guide for planning your biography is available on the Otago Community Hospice Website

Written resources to support this podcast can be found here

Find out more about Otago Community Hospice via our website, facebook or instagram

Email us: endinglifewell@otagohospice.co.nz

We would love to hear from you. Send us your feedback and suggestions for future topics.

Transcript

Episode 25 – Life Stories and Other Memory Gifts

Kia Ora and welcome to The Ending Life Well Podcast. This podcast series for carers focuses on advice and practical solutions for carers who have been thrown into the deep end looking after a loved family member or friend in their last days, weeks, or months of life. 

Our episode today is Life Stories and Other Memory Gifts

Denise 

Hi, I'm Denise van Aalst, a senior palliative care nurse and educator at Otago Community Hospice. Today I'll be talking with Karen Mansfield, manager of volunteer services at Hospice Waikato. Good morning, Karen, thank you for joining us today.

Karen 

Good morning, Denise. It's lovely to be with you today. 

Denise 

Karen, you and I, in our roles with hospice, both coordinate volunteers who help create the biography services for hospice. And we've seen the value of that, haven't we? The value for the patients, but also for the families of creating some of this legacy work? What is it that you think really has an impact for people?

Karen 

Well, I've been in this position for 13 years working with patients telling their life stories, and I absolutely have seen the value around it. Telling their life story can have several personal benefits both emotionally and psychologically. Some of the advantages of telling your story is that it allows for self reflection. It provides opportunity to explore your own experiences, choices, and the impact that it's had on your life. Telling your story can be a therapeutic release, expressing emotions and experiences can be therapeutic, helping to release some pent up feelings and reduce emotional burdens. It can also be a way to process and make sense of challenging traumas throughout our lives.

Denise 

That's a really good point, isn't it? Because these are not about just telling the great things that have happened. It's actually acknowledging the tough things that we've been through in our life, because all of those tough things we learn from, don't we? And so when we share some of the things that have not gone so well, it's a chance not only for us to reflect on what we've learnt from that, but to share those learnings with the people who then get to read our stories.

Karen 

Absolutely. And very often we haven't shared those stories with our families. So it can help to understand who somebody is now, from the experiences in their life, traumatic or not traumatic. 

Denise 

And I'm aware at times we've had people share stories of decisions that they have regretted later in life, you know, actions they've taken, things they've done, that they're not so happy about. And in fact, I remember one gentleman who sadly was going to leave a couple of quite young sons behind. And in the end we created two biographies for him, one for them to read now, and one for them to read when they were in their 20s. Because he didn't want them making the same mistakes he had made. But he felt they were too young to hear those stories. And I thought that was so valid, that we were more than happy to create those two versions for him.

Karen 

I think that's amazing. I once had a chap write his life story. And it was very short in the beginning. And then he started to see the value it was adding to his life. And it ended up about 300 and something pages but throughout the process, he acknowledged that he could have been kinder to people and he was able to make amends to some people that he had no longer seen in his life for a considerable amount of time. It was a beautiful story actually.

Denise 

That would be Karen and we often see snippets of that don't we? 

Karen 

For everybody to get the story down on paper can contribute to leaving a legacy for their family or friends. It provides opportunity to pass down wisdom, values, and life lessons to future generations. It's huge actually. Reflecting on our lives is hugely beneficial. Even the little things can have great value. It doesn't mean we're all rock stars or celebrities. 

Denise 

No, when I'm talking with people and trying to encourage them to share their story, I will say to them that it's not about the people who have climbed Mount Everest, because we've probably heard about those people. It's the little everyday things and I think about, you know, perhaps it's not the next generation, but it's another generation beyond that. Because I think about my grandmother, and how much life has changed in those two generations, from her to me and the everyday things, are really interesting. How did she get to school? You know, I mean, she was born when it was still horse drawn transport and gas lighting. And so everything about her life then is interesting. Like how did our grandparents meet? You know, what, what's the story behind them meeting because let's face it, if they didn't meet, I wouldn't be here today. So, you know, those things have suddenly got a lot more meaning. And as you said, there's some little life lessons, you know, there's all things that we've learnt through life, that this is an opportunity to pass those on.

Karen 

People comment often, or say “Well, I don't really have a story to tell”. Now, that's the first thing that people need to get out of their head. We all have a life that we've lived, and amazing stories. We had a chap quite a few years ago now. And he called himself quite a bad man and had been to jail, and wrote his story all about his life, and then burned his book. So that's a little bit around the therapy of getting it off your shoulders down on paper, but he didn't want anyone to see it. 

Denise 

I think that's quite powerful. Karen, I mean, we've often talked with our volunteers, when we are training them around there's value in the completed book. But for many people, the value lies in telling their story and being truly heard. And for some people, they might not have felt really heard for a long time. But when someone is interviewing you, when they’re recording your story, you really are being heard.

Karen 

Absolutely. And if somebody's asking questions, they've heard what you'd said. And they'd like you to delve deeper into the conversation. 

Denise 

And let's face it, you know, if we're talking to our own parents, we think we know the story, we've heard it before. And then somebody else comes along and says, Oh, but why? Or how, or what did you feel about that? And suddenly, they're getting a whole lot more depth to the story. And we're thinking, I didn't know that. We’re lucky. Karen, you and I both work at hospices. And we have a pool of volunteers who can help do these stories. But actually, this is something that people can do themselves, isn't it? 

Karen 

Absolutely. Anybody can do it. It doesn't have to be somebody who's ill. Everyone should get on to it right away. 

Denise 

Start doing it, you know, when there isn't that time pressure of health issues? I know that there are some products out there that people can get a subscription for whereby questions are sent and they answer the questions. But it doesn't need to be that complicated either. Most of us have got devices now that record, our cell phones, or something similar that we can record on. I think, though, would you agree that there's a value in having a person interview you rather than just telling your story?

Karen 

Yes, I do think so. I think it's very important that you've got somebody else there doing the interview.

Denise 

It just helps draw them, draw the questions out, doesn't it? You might not think to add some depth to that little story that you've told. But when someone shows an interest they bring out more value from that story. 

Karen 

So I think all you need is a recording device which, we've all most of us have got them on our phones, and a computer to type the transcription. 

Denise 

And if people don't know where to start you can Google biography stories or biography prompt sheet, but we will have one on our website. That information will be at the end of this podcast. And they will be able to go and find a prompt sheet there, which has a list of questions that people might find helpful to start. Because I think once people get started, it gets a lot easier.

Karen 

It does. I always say, think about how you'd like to format your story? Would you like this to be in chronological order? For example, birth, school, getting married, jobs, etc? Or would you rather talk about a specific event that may have happened in your life, or an event that perhaps you've never been able to share with anyone before, or an event that had a significant impact on you. Start there.

Denise 

That's a really good idea. Because once when it gets to the editing, and we'll talk about that in a minute, too, we can always move things around. But it's, it's something significant to start with can actually just get us off and running can’t it? 

Karen 

Absolutely. Or if you are still having difficulty starting, start at a point that you remember as being your most happiest.

Denise

Oh, I like that.

Karen

Could be childhood, could be getting married, and then people seem to flow back and forwards.

Denise 

The other thing that I found helpful for people is bringing out photo albums, because invariably, when photo albums come out, there's a lot of stories attached to those photos. And so bringing out photo albums and picking out photos that have meaning for you is another way of triggering the stories that you want to tell.

Karen 

Photos are great prompts, just like you said. So get those photo albums out and pick some photos to put in your book also. They can be great. 

Denise

And not just digital photos. So photos can be added can’t they, they by taking a photo of them. And I often suggest too, if this isn't something that you're handy with, ask around the family, there's bound to be somebody who's a little more IT savvy. And who can kind of get their head around doing that for you as well.

Karen 

The photos, help to add a visual dimension and enhances the whole book. So if you can get photos and get a student, a niece, a nephew, they're very IT savvy. 

Denise 

What are some of the other things that can be helpful Karen for you know, helping to get going, to get the flow going in the story?

Karen 

Think about some headings, could be travel, could be employment, could be school years, teenage years. And then, it a helps to put the book into some sort of sense. Particularly if you've got somebody transcribing who is not overly familiar with you and your family and who might be who, that can help put it all together.

Denise 

And Karen, when you talk about transcribing, there's a couple of ways that can be done. So there are some online transcription services. I've had varying success with those. Sometimes they work really well, sometimes they're not quite so good at picking up the Kiwi accent. But you mentioned before about a student or someone young in the family, very often there may well be a student who will be happily earn a few dollars doing a transcription. They’re used to doing it often with their study, aren't they? 

Karen 

Absolutely. That's the right place to go. I think after each recording session, it's helpful to transcribe as you go. That's what I have always found. This will help you to see the development of the book. And it also assists you in seeing any areas that are missing, or people who you need to mention in the book, but you have not done so.

Denise 

That's a really good point, you know, going back and reading those notes, it can kind of help the flow of the story for the next section can’t it? But yes, if you've made a list of the people that you want to talk about, you know, you can make sure that you haven't missed that out. That's really helpful. So Karen, when we're interviewing somebody or being interviewed, do you have like what you think is an ideal timeframe to be trying to interview at a time?

Karen 

It's my recommendation Denise, that we record for between 30 and 60 minutes, and no longer at each recording session. That can take, depends on your level of typing skills obviously, but can take between three to four hours to transcribe.

Denise 

I remember the first time I was transcribing an interview I had done and I thought ‘Oh I can touch type, won't take me that long’. But yes, it did. Because of course, one of the tricks to be aware of when we transcribe is that we don't generally speak in complete sentences do we? We go off on tangents, in different directions, so it can take a little bit longer

Karen 

I think it's also important when you're to transcribe as somebody is talking. Leave it in their words. Fix it grammatically, but so that family member can pick up the book and think ‘Oh this does sound like dad’, or ‘this was exactly how mum spoke’.

Denise 

I agree completely. These stories are not meant to come out as a formal biography that you might pick up in a bookshop or the library. And in fact, what I thought was a great success was when I got an email back from a daughter saying, “I picked up mom's book and read it. And it sounded just like her. I laughed, and I cried, I can even tell when she got a bit tired, because I could pick up the mistake she made and it was so her.” And I'm like, that's a win. Because to hear her mom's voice was, you know, to me a mark of success. So I agree. We can't overcorrect this. 

Karen 

No, it's not meant to be perfect. It's meant to be our mother, our father, our sister, speaking.

Denise 

Karen, sometimes too, people like to leave messages for families in the books, don't they? Perhaps a message for a particular family member or, you know, generations to come. Might be life lessons. Is that something that you've struck with the work you've done? 

Karen 

Absolutely. Some people have put letters and inserted them into their booklets. Other people may choose just to write letters for here and now. And some people that I have worked with have chosen to write letters for future events could be 21st birthdays, weddings, births of children, really, really special to be delivered at the time of the event.

Denise 

And I think those letters can have a great deal of meaning then when they're received, can't they? You know, and I guess that's another form of the legacy work other than just the stories. People as you say might do those letters. I've been aware of parents with perhaps younger children creating memory boxes for their children, for later on. They've got mementos of things they've done together, and special events or just everyday events. You know, ‘I remember baking with you because I really enjoy doing that, and this is why’ so there's, you know, there's often a chance to pull those things together.

Karen 

Memory boxes can be really special and you just mentioned baking, so why not put some of your favourite recipes in a memory box, or a bit of art? Some photos, mementos, the stones that you collected on the beach once, you know a special shell.

Denise 

We've had somebody doing a biography recently who is including some family favourite recipes into her book, because it's very much a part of who she is, is her recipes. And that's what she wanted to leave behind.

Karen 

We had somebody recently, actually. And they inserted jokes into their book, because that was what they were about.

Denise

That’s a great idea. 

Karen

Yeah. So it can be anything that's special to you. I've also had a few people actually have created plaster casts of hands. Like this was actually a father and a son, so holding hands. It was a really special legacy for him to leave for his son. 

Denise 

Absolutely. And I think, though, that you can get kits with the compounds and everything you need for doing that quite readily online can’t you?

Karen 

Definitely, I think they also created an individual handprints, used them for bookmarks. So lovely. I've also heard of people making memory quilts or memory bears, out of clothing items, I think that's really special too.

Denise 

Yes. And there are a number of memory bear patterns available online, and you’re right having them made out of old familiar clothing. And those memory bears, or cushions I've seen made as well, can just, it's something comforting to hold. Whether it's just to sit and look at or to hold, the familiarity of those same clothes that you've perhaps seen somebody wear for a long time.

Karen 

So if you've got someone handy in the family, with a sewing machine, or there are some New Zealand companies out there that will do those for you.

Denise 

And you're right. I helped make a memory bear for somebody once and the family had joked about the fact that there was a cigarette burn on the sleeve because Dad had been a smoker. And they said but they hoped it didn't matter. And I said not at all. And what I did was I made sure that the arm of the bear had that little cigarette burn on it. Because that was their dad and they were delighted when that came back with that on it.

‘I've also seen people make quilts out of you know, might have been a collection of tea towels or, you know, clothes that their children have worn over the years, and they've made a quilt out of them to pass on to them. So sometimes it might be the person who's unwell themself making a memory quilt, or it might be made by somebody on their behalf. But either way, something that includes those familiar cloths and fabrics, really brings a great deal of comfort for people later.

Karen 

We did a memory quilt for a bereaved mum, with her little baby’s clothes. It was very, very special and very special to her.

Denise 

The other thing, Karen, that is not, we've not been doing it in our workplace, but I'm aware of people starting to do it, is using videos a little more. Now some people don't like being recorded visually. But in this particular instance, that I've heard about was somebody recorded themselves reading books, because they wanted their grandchildren to be able to have them read to them. And so those videos were then being gifted with copies of the books to the grandchildren so that the grandchildren could read along with the grandparent. And I thought that was a really lovely idea.

Karen

That is really special. 

Denise 

Somebody sorted them out and came and filmed them digitally reading those stories, and I thought that was really special too. 

Karen 

That's wonderful. We've had people telling their life story over video. And we've also had people just leaving special messages to family members using the video, some prefer an interview, and some are just able to sit there and talk away. So both works really, really well. Not everyone is comfortable in front of the video. 

Denise 

No, no, they're not. I'm aware of sometimes of our volunteers going out. And on that first visit, the person's been quite reticent, and, you know, not easy to interview, but they've got used to the idea. And then by the second one, they're off, they're in full flow, and are remembering those stories, and it's so lovely to have those stories gathered for a family, it's really special. 

Karen 

It is really special. And I guess it's just building the connection with the person who's interviewing you, and making sure that it feels safe and is comfortable and that the process is actually easy. It's not a difficult process. 

Denise 

So, you know, remind people again, that this is something they can do themselves, they could read through the prompt questions or something and interview themselves, but there is a real value if they could find someone else. And it might be a family member, or it might be someone else that's unconnected, is might be easier to tell their story to somebody else altogether. And I think we mentioned before students are a great starting place isn't there's often students whether at high school or varsity students who just, would be really happy to come and do something like that.

Karen 

Absolutely. The size of the book doesn't matter. It can be big, and it can be small. As long as you're speaking about the bits that you want to talk about.

Denise 

I think that’s a really good point Karen you know, it's not the length of the book. It's the content isn’t it?

Karen 

So therefore, the number of recordings could be few or they could be many. Just do one recording a week would be my suggestion. 

Denise 

Just start. Get started telling your story and sharing it. 

Karen

I agree. Absolutely.

Denise 

Karen, thank you so much for joining us today. It's been really interesting talking about the biographies and other legacy work. So thank you for that.

Karen

Thank you for having me Denise. It's been wonderful. 

Denise 

And thank you, listeners for joining us today. This podcast was brought to you by Otago Community Hospice, with support from Hospice New Zealand. If you found this discussion helpful, check out our other episodes of Ending Life Well, a podcast series for carers. As well as the Biography Prompt sheet, you can also find more resources for caring for a person who's dying at otagohospice.co.nz/education.